€]q(TRWell, everyone got up and going this morning. It's still raining, but that's okay with me. Sort of suits my mood. I could easily have stayed home in bed with my book and the cats. This has been a lot of rain though! People have wet basements, there are lakes where there should be golf courses and fields, everything is green, green, green. But, it is supposed to be 26 degrees by Friday, so we'll be dealing with mosquitos next week. I heard Winnipeg described as an "Old Testament" city on urlLink CBC Radio One last week and it sort of rings true. Floods, infestations, etc., etc..qT My four-year old never stops talking. She'll say "Mom?" and when I say "Yes?", she'll say "Ummm.... ummm... oh yeah. Where do lady bugs hide in the rain?" Anything to hear her own voice. Very, very exhausting. Now I remember! This is why I go to work! *Sigh*qTActually it's not raining yet, but I bought 15 tickets to the urlLink Goldeyes game for my Mom's birthday tonight, and it is supposed to rain. Do they cancel baseball games because of rain? Although the ballpark is beautiful, it ain't the urlLink SkyDome . We used to go to the Jays games occassionally when we lived in Toronto and really like taking the kids to the Goldeyes games now. I don't know what urlLink Blue Jays tickets cost now, but I'm sure it's cheaper here in Winnipeg. Oh, I just checked and it definitely is!qTfHa! Just set up my RSS feed - that is so easy! Why doesn't everyone do it? Enough for today. The sun is shining and I should be outside planting my poor flowers (that have spent far too long in their pots) but I have 3 kindergartners and a preschooler who are refusing to go outside. Little gameboy junkies... I should talk! Last post today, I promise.qTŻOh, which just reminded me, we were talking about canning food at coffee break this morning. Is this becoming a lost art? Are there any people under 40 who know how to do this? Those of us at coffee that fall in that age range couldn't. What would happen if the world as we know it ceased to exist (a la urlLink Day After Tomorrow which is only being released today and I can't wait to see - I love a good escapist picture with lots of special effects) and we had to preserve our food somehow? Well, we in Canada definitely would need to preserve our food. I found lots of sites on canning, including urlLink this one , but I guess that wouldn't help me much if everything went. Better print it out and keep it just in case!qTYI've tried starting blog after blog and it just never feels right. Then I read today that it feels strange to most people, but the more you do it the better it gets (hmm, sounds suspiciously like something else!) so I decided to give it another try. My husband bought me a notepad at urlLink McNally (the best bookstore in Western Canada) with that title and a picture of a 50s housewife grinning desperately. Each page has something funny like "New curtains! Hurrah!". For some reason it struck me as absolutely hilarious and has stuck in my head ever since. What were those women thinking?qUąMy 20th high school urlLink reunion is this weekend. There are over 100 people coming, so it should be a good time. Lots of names from the past. Funny, I barely ever run into anyone, and yet a lot are still in the city.qT“We always have pizza on Friday nights. It takes the stress out of "what am I going to make for dinner" and the kids look forward to it. In fact, many of their friends look forward to it too! But tonight we are having a family gathering at my mom's and I've offered to make pizza for all the kids. So I've been madly making dough in my breadmaker (which is very easy but still needs to be done) and freezing it. Now I have to go home and cut vegetables for the vegetarian cousins' pizzas and grate a huge amount of cheese. Then I'll have to cart it all over to my mom's without wrecking the crusts. It is not the usual relaxing Friday night, but this hasn't been a relaxed week at all.qTOkay, I saw it this past weekend. Not as good as Independence Day for sure. Better than Raising Helen which I also saw. Yes, two movies in one weekend! One was with book club, and one was with my husband since we hadn't been out together forever. Guess which was with whom...q TŃI've been cataloguing film scripts at work. What fun! I have to look a lot of the writers up on the urlLink IMDB . What a great database! I read somewhere that there were lots of mistakes in there, but given the absolutely huge amount of information, it is bound to happen. And everything links! I love it. Library catalogues should be so good. Best of all is getting a little sneak peek into people's lives. Just enough to get your imagination going...q TPaul Martin promised today that if he is elected he will create 250,000 new affordable child care spaces. I think they promised something like that last time around too. But if they really want to do something for working women, they should make it easier for women to work and be with their families. An affordable child care space would be helpful, but I want to spend more time with my children, so I need more flexible working arrangements. Instead of a year's maternity leave, what if they made it mandatory for employers to allow women five years of part-time work. If we worked at least 50% they should have to hold our jobs for us. I think that would appeal to a lot of moms. And then there would be a lot of part-time child care spaces too, which are impossible to find right now. Yes, I'm still pondering quitting my job. It seems to me to be ineveitable now... just a question of when.q UqNo, I still haven't seen it, but apparently it is urlLink not so good unless you are a librarian. Ha! I am!q T0Well, it's over! It was good to see so many people. Most haven't changed much, but some have changed a great deal. Funny how things that were important in high school no longer are. Anyway, it is over and I'm glad. I was very, very tired all week and am glad that I had 4 days off to snooze a bit.q T²The astute among you will note that this run is a minute shorter than the 5th one. This run was three minutes running, one minute walking--which is much harder than the previous run-walk ratio. I was feeling good until the 4th repetition, which was difficult, and I really struggled through the 5th one. Tonight I noticed a very odd sensation. While I was happy to take the little walking breaks, I found that the moment I started running again after each break my legs felt really invigorated. I'm sure there's some clever scientific name for this phenomenon. However, I'm also sure there's no clever scientific name for the fact that I'm really, really glad tonight's run is over.qTśSo the pressing question was whether I should increase my total running time or decrease my walking time. Since the schedule I'm following says to increase running time, I decided to do that. They're the experts, after all--I'm just the one in the expensive shoes. While today didn't exactly feel what I would call "good," it didn't feel bad either. Actually, after my third repetition I felt like a million bucks; after my fourth, I flagged a bit. But I made it through to my 7th repetition without feeling like my lungs were inside out. I probably could have done 8 repetitions, if the truth be told, but I'm sure I'll regret saying that on Wednesday. Jon has just decided to go on a health kick too; he says that he's going to join me in running. I think I might be a little bit too slow for him. Today I definitely felt like a jogger rather than a runner--I think it has to do with the massive amount of crap (chocolate syrup, ice cream, crisps, pizza, etc.) I've been eating over the past couple of days.qTUI can assure you that it was not laughably easy. It wasn't as hard as last time, but it still felt pretty painful. I didn't start thinking I was going. to. die. until the 4th repetition, at which point I again told myself that I was only going to do 5 repetitions. I even had all sorts of excuses figured out: I was running at midday in the sun; I was running in the park on uneven ground, I was feeling vaguely hung-over. But in the end it was the thought of coming here and writing down the fact that I had wussed out that made me do the 6th repetition. Now I have the reward of a hot bath.qTTonight I decided to decrease the walking time between the periods of running. I did 2 minutes on, one minute off, repeated 6 times. After the first 2 repetitions, I felt like I was going. to. die. But the middle two were fine; I was on top of the world. I considered only doing 5 repetitions, but when I finished the 5th, I was further away from my house than I expected, so I slogged on to a 6th. The 6th repetition was a real struggle. I was literally forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. The knowledge of a hot bath was the only thing that kept me going. Then I had to run past my house to finish out the time. Psychologically, I found that upsetting. I also find the people on the sidewalks upsetting. I have this paranoid fantasy that all people who see me running are runners themselves, and they're critiquing me. When I'm feeling slow and down, I find that forcing myself into a sprint helps me get past it. Even though I'm not a fast runner by any means, I prefer to run at speed rather than to jog. I'm not sure if this was a struggle because I didn't run for over a week, or if it was because it was genuinely more difficult than my last run. Anyway, I'm sure I'll laugh at myself on Saturday when I go out and do the same run again and I find it laughably easy.qTI spent a long weekend in Edinburgh, doing more walking around than usual, but not doing any running. In the meantime, however, my knee felt fantastic. After the ACL surgery I lost most of my muscle tone, which meant that my kneecap wasn't tracking properly, which led to some clicking and aching when walking, especially when walking down steps. Now, after only two runs, I can feel a real difference in the way my knee feels when going down stairs. It's almost normal, which is something I don't take for granted.qTĖTonight I did the 2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking deal (repeated 4 times), which is the recommended first run for 10 training according to the schedule I've decided to use. I have to admit that it was far too easy. I came in the house having not even broken a sweat. Because it was so easy, I'm not sure whether to increase the overall time out or decrease the in-between walking times. There seem to be definite advantages and disadvantages to both.qT‡My initial plan was to start on a basic 10k training schedule, urlLink as described here . However, tonight--my first night out--was still a little bit of a tester, so I ran for 1 minute, walked for 1 minute, and repeated that 6 times. It was reasonably hard work, but it wasn't anything scary, and my knee felt fine. I feel that I am ready to move onto the proper 10k training schedule.qTWhoever reads this (if there is anyone) might think I'm not taking this running thing very seriously. I am, believe me, but you have to understand that the past few weeks and the next few weeks are full up. There are plenty of nights where I get 5 hours of sleep because I'm busy doing things I must do (and there's precious little reading or watching TV going on), then the next day I'm shattered because I only got 5 hours of sleep. Fitting in half an hour of running, while technically feasible, is not always an incredibly attractive option. Cycling, however, is a happy medium. But I have been afraid to cycle recently for two reasons: 1) Last October, running + cycling really made my knee hurt. Running was ok, but cycling actually caused my knee to react so badly that I couldn't run anymore. 2) My chain is rusty. I've been running (if you can call it that) for a few weeks with no bad reaction from my knee at all, so I thought tonight I would give cycling a go. On closer inspection my chain wasn't too bad (though I probably should replace it), so I braved it. Because I haven't cycled in a while and I was worried that either my knee or my chain would break, I didn't go too far afield, and only did half an hour. It's not particularly hard work for me, even on the hardest gears, and it's an excellent opportunity to make my left leg work harder (because I would estimate that my left leg is only about 80% as strong as my right leg now). We shall see how my knee reacts, but I'll probably be cycling more if it's ok.qTSI'm amazed that, even being so lazy as to go out only once a week for the past couple of weeks, I've managed to improve each week. Today I ran for 7 minutes, walked for 2, ran for 4, walked for 2, and ran for 7. That's what 7 (2) 4 (2) 7 means in the subject line. I think that makes more sense than trying to reckon up the fraction each time. I mean, really. What was I thinking? So tonight was eventful. I didn't mention it in my last post, but last week someone actually stopped me to ask for directions while I was running--while there were other people around. I wrote it off to the absurdity that is present in everyday society, but today, as I ran towards an elderly man who was carrying his dog, he asked me, "Are you jogging?" Of course I am! Do I look like I'm, for example, fishing? Could the direction-asker and the elderly man really not tell? Do I just look like I'm going for a leisurely stroll? Then, as I was running along on the sidewalk next to the park, a snivelling brat kicked his football at me, hard. I don't think he appreciated it when I called him a "little prick." But he was. I hope he falls out of a tree and breaks his ankle in three places. I now have comments, so if you feel the need to tell me what a heartless, child-hating bitch I am, please feel free. I like these new Blogger templates; they're pretty.qTHI know, it was a week. I am trying. ("You can say that again, ha ha!") (Ahh, do you see what I did there?: I used the word "trying" as a verb, and then pretended that someone else implied that it was used as an adjective. Ahhhh!) Anyway, so when I went out, I said to myself, "Self, why not just run until you really feel like you have to stop, instead of adhering rigidly to this schedule?" So I did. And I ran for 6 minutes. Now, I wasn't really all that tired after 6 minutes (compared to the last 6 minutes I did, anyway). It's not my legs that complain, and I don't get cramps in my sides or anything. The main problem that makes me have to stop is my chest/lungs aching. I've always been this way and thought it was normal, but urlLink this page says it's not . Hmmm. So I had to walk for 2 minutes until my lungs stopped aching, then I did 4 minutes running again, then 2 minutes walking, then the final 6 minutes running. If you're thinking that a full 20 minutes of running shouldn't be that hard to achieve, remember that I've been totally, totally inactive for a year.qTįI think that running is akin to childbirth in some respects (not that I've ever given birth): while you're doing it, it's painful and terrible and you can't imagine ever doing it again, not in a million years, and you curse the bastard that got you into it in the first place (in running's case, yourself). But then it's over, and you have a shower, and you sit down to blog about it, and it feels great. Running, that is. My analogy ended in the first paragraph. You weren't still trying to make it work for this one, were you? Anyway, I didn't do myself any favors by not running for nearly a week. In case you're curious, a combination of factors including illness, DIY-mania, and heavy rain contributed to my sloth. Tonight I went out thinking, "Do I really have to bother with the run-walk nonsense? Can't I just run out for 10 minutes, then run back for 10 minutes?" The answer is no. I did the same run as before, and by the end of the second repetition I looked over at my house (which faces the park) and seriously considered running home right then, jumping the fence, and going in the back door. Then I remembered that my back door was locked (safety first, kids!) and that in order to get home I'd have to go back the way I came, round the corner, and down the road again. And by the time I thought of all the logistics, my repetition was over. Later, something funny happened on my 4th repetition: I started running, and suddenly the 3 minutes was over, just like that. I thought I must have shortchanged myself or read my watch wrong, but no: it just went like a hot knife through butter. Mmmm, butter. Ahh, that's the other thing. I haven't had much food today, which might have contributed to my near crash early in the run. I tried to eat a toasted bacon and guacamole sandwich for lunch, but someone really needs to tell the ladies in the canteen that guacamole should only be served ice cold. Hot guacamole is nastified. Oh well, at least there were pink wafers in the tea room.qUÕI haven't just dropped off the face of the earth. I went on holiday to the US, where it would be almost rude to exercise. I'm back now, and as soon as I'm over my jetlag I'll be back in the saddle/running shoes.qUqRun Along Now has moved urlLink over here ! It's a community, so feel free to join if you are also feeling fit.qT’You love me... I have you here by my side... Our hearts overflow with happiness and love for each other... That's all that matters to me now... Sorry I ever doubted you and your love... I just don't feel too special anymore... Maybe i'm not the one you should love... Maybe you're beside the wrong person... Maybe you could have been happier with her... I'm not that special, you know... (as if on cue, i hear "our" songs play on my winamp) WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING?!?!? YOU LOVE ME... I HAVE YOU HERE BY MY SIDE... OUR HEARTS OVERFLOW WITH HAPPINESS AND LOVE FOR EACH OTHER... THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME NOW... SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU AND YOUR LOVE... i truly am sorry, baby... our bestfriend PARANOIA paid me a visit...qT!"...Thanks to you now I know all my dreams can come true... ...And i'm not sure I deserve a woman so true but I love that you think I do... ...I've got BLIND FAITH in you..." You sang these words to me as if only me could have made your life complete, as if only me could have made such difference... I wonder if you knew that YOU are the one who turned my life around and showed me who I really am.. ...That I was afraid of dreaming and never really believed in dreams, until you came and showed me that dreaming can be beautiful and making them come true is worth all the pain that we might go through... ...That with you by my side, life can throw her worst shit at me, and i'll just show her my finger and laugh at her face... ...That you literally brought back the real me from a world where showing my true colors cost too much... ...That with your "blind faith," i see more... ...That whatever i say wouldn't amount to what i feel for you AND how you make me feel... I wonder if you know how much i love you...qU7http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=jm8bja2zqU‡My first blog... Here at my workplace.. Got lots to do, but don't know where to start... My mind's gone blank... Need some coffee...qUõwait...now dat i think about it...dat GBC thing was okie xcept for ONE exception...as i was leaving i saw a certain someone...and i KNO he saw me but yea...he was like the LAST person i expected to see...y does he keep showin up everywhere?!?!?!qT4ahhhhhh!!!!! break's almost over and i still got a crapload of hw to do!!!!! stoopid stoopid me...always procrastinating!!!! o well break was pretty good...pretty boring at first...then talked to my cool best buddies in az on the for phone till the weeee hours in the morning (sorry for fallin asleep on u'll!! :-P u'll kno i still love u'll!!! and miss u'll like crazeeee of course!!!) and then went to GRB convention center to help out during thanksgiving... then ate an AWESOME thanksgiving dinner :-P then friday slept in and then cleaned the house (as usual) then went over to sophia's and watched a buncha confusing movies (analyze this-actually that wasn't that confusing, amelie, and vanilla sky) then kinda ended up spending the night and then went to katy mills with parents and yea...that's bout it... *sigh*q Tē*Sigh* my mind is all mashed up... headache... theres so much on my mind. i wanna get it out. i wanna solve some of them, i wanna analyze some, i wanna delete some (the ring!) i wanna add some i wanna store some *Sigh* i wanna tell some i wanna share some wow that looks like some kind of poem... haha didnt mean to. this point i'm steady right now, not sad , not happy. just fine. i can add something a lil more and i'll be happy, i can take away something and i can be sad. right now... steady... steady is so boring. i wanna be happy. like everyone else wants to be happy. but i can wait. i will wait for the happy to come :-p . looking for it does not always work well so i'll wait for it to look for me. when? i dont know. i just hope sometime soon. why? because its so boring being smack in the middle of happy and sad/depressed. well anyways... everything has been school school school, so not much time for anything else. argh, im not even doing that well in school but i know i have been trying my best. i just need some help. yay! i get my tutor back next semester! i will pass with flying colors!! :-p until then i can watch myself at the edge of failing, its not like im depending on my tutor its just that lil things are killing me.ahq!UĄNgelasTiger: vikhoeria NgelasTiger: ahaha NgelasTiger: hahah MoO iz VIKgloria: lolx! MoO iz VIKgloria: wasaps anhela? MoO iz VIKgloria: waspas inhale? MoO iz VIKgloria: lolx! NgelasTiger: hahaq"U“at BMT... ( bellaire math tournament... hahah me and lynna were saying... bellaire middle tower!! and then some guy laughe at us) oaky well vik : anhella me: vikhoria bwhahah...q#Thttp://naucon.net/misc/tests/love_test01.htm 1. You are attracted to those who are warm and obedience. 2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored. 3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal, faithful, never change. 4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too moody; and you don't know how to please him/her. 5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is one that you care not only about the present but also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship that you can grow with. 6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage. 7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much. 8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do anything for it, you won't fall for it easily. true true true. ah trueq$TAH omg! i forgot to tell yall something. that night after i finsihed watching the ring i was really really scared right? so i asked my lil sis to sleep in the gameroom with me. after getting all my blankies and all my pillows and my melody, i turned off the lights and boom... it hit me! WHY AM I SLEEPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BIG SCREEN TV?!?! i mean its a BIG SCREEN. so that girl can come through right? omg... so i freaked myself out... but i kept on telling myself... its just a movie its just a movie. AHHH I HEARD SOMETHING! so paranoid. okay well so then i pulled all the covers up and hid and all. okay well i fell asleep after a while of freaking out. well so it was very late an some how my sis was up walking around in her WHITE dressy looking pjs! and she just woke up and like with her hair all down in her face cuz she was looking down TOWARDS ME!! and my heart was just pounding like crazy here. omg. and then i feltl ike screaming right? but yeai was tired and not fully awake. an then she kinda pushed down on my tummy... aw mayn that almost killed me. i thought she was the lil girl trying to kill me! CUZ I JUST WATCHED THE MOVIE AND I DIDNT MAKE A _______________ ( cant tell ppl who havent seen the movie) aw mayn then i like jumped and ran to another corner and fell asleep. hahha. well im not exagerrating at all , that was my horrible experience. ugh. then like my sis told me she thought i went back to my room and she was just checking to see if i was still there cuz she thought i moved thats why. argh. so yea.. and o yea that night i was so paranoid. every lil noise i jumped at. an my mom knew cuz i was running all around the house trying to find out what it is. hehe. yea and it was embarresing cuz she told a lot of ppl on thanksgiving when i was RIGHT THERE..hehe. and they were laughing at me. hhe. o yea, and i watched training day. good movie. hehe. a well so... COWS keep on cancelling moo krew meetings! so mandatory meeting over xmas break :-p we have a lot of catching up to do! i miss yall:-p all that milkin hehe jkq%TPwhat i'm thankful for: God for all the blessings He's given me my sister whom i love dearly yet cant stand my parents who i also love with all my heart but i still cant stand dem sometimes - and i gess dere pretty smart too so when dey lecture me i'm pretty sure dey kno wat dere talkin about my "mama C" and "sister So" and all dere wonderful hugs and always knowin how to make me feel better my "papa Stu" for drivin me everywhere when he's actually home my awesome best buddies in AZ who dont get mad when im super tired (well actually dem) and accidentally fall asleep on dem when im on the phone - and who listen to me blab about ppl dey dont kno but still act like dey care my cousin for letting me use her phone to call those awesome best buddies in AZ my cooool church friends who ALWAYS make me laugh which turn always makes me feel better when i'm down my after school buddies who go with me wherever my friends at school who make my day jus by saying hi my house my health having food to eat clothes to wear all dat other material stuff HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE!! (sorry if im kinda late)q&Tits funny to listen to lil kids talk. you know,,, about the lil problems we used to have... like mean teachers who punish kids for leaning on the back of their chairs and so on. haha... well while my sis was trying to desscribe the ppl shes talking about to me ...ehh.. you can tell she doesnt know her ppls: my sis: balil... uhh he's like... you know osma bin laden? me: yea??? my sis: hes kinda like him. me: you mean middle eastern? my sis: no, he looks like osma bin laden me: middle eastern. my sis: no.. me: hes from the MIDDLE EAST! hahha and then today she was telling me that she used to like the spice girls but she forgot the group name spice girls. my sis: you know that group... of girls... i used to like them me: who? my sis: theres a girl ... uhh... you know martin luther king? me: yea? what does that have to do with music? my sis: no theres a pregnant girl like martin luther king.... its uhh something american me: african american?? my bro: why do girls wear bras? me: uhh my bro: is it like braces?q'T—anyways so yea...after talkin to sophia last nite (ehh more like early early dis morning) i realized something. i've learned sooo much from them. she seems to be able to write what i feel. i jus somehow cant quite express into words the way she does. i TOTALLY understand everything she says. and from him, after all the lectures and talks, i've learned about the harsh realities of life. i kno i hate when he lectures me but there's some truth in what he says. i just wont admit that to him cos den it'd b like admiting to my parents. but i still hate how he does dat. i mean i hear it enough from my parents. i dont really need to hear it again. or maybe i do.q(TYSportyAznBoy: im sick rosalie... SportyAznBoy: the doc said i only have 2 more weeks... SportyAznBoy: oneo f my finaly wishes are that RoSe A La LA: 2 more weeks??? SportyAznBoy: maybe... just maybe SportyAznBoy: my best friend rosalie SportyAznBoy: could come visit me RoSe A La LA: awwwww SportyAznBoy: and i would die with a smile on my faceq)T_haha im glad i didnt go watch the ring today. im NEVER gonna watch dat. hehe yea im a wuss but o well. anyways i dunno wat to post...my day was so boring...need some excitement in my life...think a boy will do??? haha yea rite...boys=bad rite angela??? :-P anyways hope tmw will b a better day... note to self: (take angela's advice) think positive!!q*Tcomg! i watched the ring today! NgelasTiger: AHH MoO iz VIKgloria: OMG SO FUNI MoO iz VIKgloria: HAHAHAAHAH NgelasTiger: mayn NgelasTiger: so freaky MoO iz VIKgloria: hahaah i noe MoO iz VIKgloria: u were screaming da whole time! NgelasTiger: hahhaha MoO iz VIKgloria: u were like da onli one screaming MoO iz VIKgloria: hahahah MoO iz VIKgloria: so funniq+T×[some guy:how would u like to go vancouver wiv me durin xmas m o O iZ s y L v: haha m o O iZ s y L v: NO] m o O iZ s y L v: hahaha angela, give me a nasty comment NgelasTiger: "why would i want to go with a fat pig? NgelasTiger: i might get a disease" m o O iZ s y L v: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAh m o O iZ s y L v: OMGOMGOMG m o O iZ s y L v: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NgelasTiger: hahah NgelasTiger: put it!! m o O iZ s y L v: THAT IS SO MEAN m o O iZ s y L v: HAHA m o O iZ s y L v: NO! NgelasTiger: no its not! NgelasTiger: its actually a comment NgelasTiger: hes actually a whale with aids NgelasTiger: so pig and disease is less harsh m o O iZ s y L v: HAHAHAHAHAH m o O iZ s y L v: whale with std m o O iZ s y L v: haah NgelasTiger: hahahq,TY*sigh* so yea...realized how STUPID we are... :-/ Angela!!!!! how could we be so stupid?!?! oye i feel so bad now. dont ever wanna talk to him again. but i dunno...i think i'll eventually end up talking to him again...but still... im hurt now...but we cant make assumptions...we never know...even though all the evidence points to exactly that...but i dunno...i dont think we should give up on that friendship just yet...or maybe we should...erase it from our past...i dont think im ready to do that though...even though i feel like it's the only way to forget it...i cant believe we were so stupid...q-T¦mayn... so tired. it rosalie and me forever to set it up but we got it. yay! well tomorrow i'm gona go see the ring! OMG! i hope i don't pee in my pants or cry! so i'll be prepare, pee before and bring tissues and a blanket! hhaha. replace blanket with big jacket to hide under. i hope it wont scar me for life. anyways... *** is such a *****!!! ARGH. i just wanna ... *Scunch up face, cup hands together* MOO KREW!!! :)q.TCyan425: ok Cyan425: wats the deal RoSe A La LA: wait think she got it Cyan425: o ok Cyan425: man, i'm awesome at helping Cyan425: i don't even need to say anything and the person just gets the answer Cyan425: must be y i'm a genius haha...angela u're rite...q/Ui WILL blog tmw angela!! :P been typing stoopid history all night so i'll blog tmw besides...angela u kno most of it anyways :)q0Tgwell..i finally actually get to type in here. friday! YES! i feel happy today. hehehe. all smiley :) :) except 3 things that kinda made my day not so great. hehe. orchestra... dangit... why does isadore not like me..argh... 67!! humph! o well i screwed up but i idnt want to start all over... and then after school i cant get the tempo when we were practicing butterfly lovers. made me kina mad but o well, my fault. i havent practiced it. hmm what else... o yea and dance... mayn i like actually practiced but when we got up there heather and them kinda messed up so judy and i were like.. sucky with them. *sigh* byebye ad dance. OO good things.. well i think i did prertty well on the chem test * crosses fingers* plz plz plz i want an A! so desperate for one... im failing! well and then i got 2 good grades in alg that brought my d to a b. pretty cool huh? smiley! hheeh. wong lee hom is so good... his good song s are the best but his bad songs suck. hahah. van is cool too. energy:-p christmas is coming up... chrismas presents... what to get yall? i wanna get stuff for everyone... but im brokish so i gotta be a lil cheap but thoughtful. hehe. need to go xmas shopping. hehe. *sigh* i want to spill my guts to ppl but i just dont know if i can trust them ... so now..: X ofcourse i have one person that i completely trust... thats all i need for now.. just one. *sigh*q1TŠNgelasTiger: chem chem chem MoO iz VIKgloria: ugh NgelasTiger: kill kill killkill MoO iz VIKgloria: compsci compsci compsci NgelasTiger: kil killkill MoO iz VIKgloria: die die die NgelasTiger: *stab stab MoO iz VIKgloria: lolx! NgelasTiger: murder NgelasTiger: *MUHAHAHHAHA NgelasTiger: *kick kick NgelasTiger: *punch MoO iz VIKgloria: ... MoO iz VIKgloria: *moves away slowly NgelasTiger: hahaq2T£jdaVII: its ok..i missed my collge deadlines.. jdaVII: which is pretty funny come to think of it jdaVII: hmm..not really NgelasTiger: hahha NgelasTiger: thats what ms ting tol us NgelasTiger: but you can get into almost any college NgelasTiger: smarty pants NgelasTiger: i want some smarty pants jdaVII: wut? NgelasTiger: i wonder where you buy em jdaVII: hahahaha jdaVII: good one! m o O iZ s y L v: HAHAH m o O iZ s y L v: they're on sale m o O iZ s y L v: at foley's!!! m o O iZ s y L v: well ilt's for a low price of 9.99 m o O iZ s y L v: get ur pair now!! m o O iZ s y L v: *winks* m o O iZ s y L v: *holdsup pair of pants* m o O iZ s y L v: hahahah NgelasTiger: hahhaha NgelasTiger: wow, they do make me smarter m o O iZ s y L v: wut's sexy? smarty pants pants!!! NgelasTiger: hahahah m o O iZ s y L v: haHA *on old navy commercial* m o O iZ s y L v: have u seen those? m o O iZ s y L v: about the leopard pull overS? m o O iZ s y L v: hahaahaahah NgelasTiger: yup m o O iZ s y L v: hahaha well these smarty pants are for girls m o O iZ s y L v: AND baby girls m o O iZ s y L v: hahahahah NgelasTiger: hey NgelasTiger: if you remmeber ch 7 part 3 test, what are the multiple choice like? NgelasTiger: terms ? or problems Cyan425: hey NgelasTiger: i think problems NgelasTiger: okay NgelasTiger: nvm Cyan425: ok Cyan425: hm...i'm really good at answering ur questions Cyan425: i don't even say anything and u understand Cyan425: :-Pq3TjdaVII: angela angela angela angela.. NgelasTiger: alex alex alex xela NgelasTiger: xela NgelasTiger: xela NgelasTiger: thats so coo;l jdaVII: xela? NgelasTiger: xela NgelasTiger: xela NgelasTiger: alex! jdaVII: alegna jdaVII: ha-sounds norwegian or smthng NgelasTiger: haha NgelasTiger: yeah NgelasTiger: renee said itt souned like some kind of beer jdaVII: sounds like name of algae.. jdaVII: which reminds u of a pond.. jdaVII: which reminds of a duck jdaVII: which reninds u of a ducking... jdaVII: which reminds u of UGLY.. jdaVII: wow everthing ties together.. jdaVII: jkjkjkjk jdaVII: hehe sorry? yup always remining me that im ugly... hes old.q4T£my bro and i in the dining room study: hes studying bio im studying chem my bro: can you explain to me all that mitosis and meiosis stuff? me: o uhh.... i dont remember, i used to know... o just look through your bk, and liook through the cliff notes.. youll get it my bro: uh okay. [few secs later] me: i wish i had a bigger sibling to help me chem! AH i hate this chem stuff my bro: *LOL* well i dont have one either!q5UHi have so much to say but i dont feel like blogging...i'll blog later...q6T8angela's scary movie list: 1.) the ring 2.) resident evil....m o O iZ s y L v: GOSH RESIDENT EVIL WAS NOT SCARy 3.) sixth sense 4.) what lies beneath...NgelasTiger: #4 NgelasTiger: heheh NgelasTiger: YES m o O iZ s y L v: OMg m o O iZ s y L v: wut lies beneath is soo number wun man 5.) the others 6.) A.I. ( sad but sorta freaky.)m o O iZ s y L v: ima hit u m o O iZ s y L v: that movie isnt scary sylvias list: 1.) what lies beneath....m o O iZ s y L v: i thin kthe scariest movie i have ever seen is m o O iZ s y L v: wut lies beneath 2.) sixth sense 3.)the othersq7UÕahhhhHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH * GASP* AHHH *Choke* AHHHHHHHHHHHH :( :( BREAK .....ALMOST>>>>>>>> OVERRRRRRR :(:(:( !! DANGIT! i have so much to do... *sigh* what have i been doing all thanksgiving break?! AHHHq8TZokie supposed to b studying for finals...BUT i guess i'll blog...(happy angela :-P) anyways...gosh i hate finals...too many study groups...finals = gayness..so does school...*sigh* why is it that ppl always xcept me to do everything?? y cant dey do something for a change...ppl always talk about stuff they wanna do but they never actually go through with it??? wat's up with dat?? sometimes seems like i'm the only one who actually goes through with what they say...i DONT break promises...i might forget sometimes but i will ALWAYS do what i say...no matter what...even if it takes me awhile to do itq9T%NgelasTiger: dpo we get to use oursolkuvikity rukes? NgelasTiger: our solubility rules? MoO iz VIKgloria: o.@ MoO iz VIKgloria: LOLX NgelasTiger: haha MoO iz VIKgloria: i thot that was some russian instrument or sumtin MoO iz VIKgloria: ! MoO iz VIKgloria: haha NgelasTiger: A RUSSIAN COMPOSerq:U6its tomorrow, rosalie... i dont see any new blogs. :-pq;Uńokay nvm, i lied... i'll type some more. i'm just happy thinking. hehhe. well. aww.. nvm... i typed something and i deleted myself.. hehe the whole highlight all an backspace. hehe. i realized that yall might find out my secret. no biggieqTŚomg so i like FINALLY finished that STUPID extra credit for physics...y do we bother?? 10 points on our final...is it worth all the stress we put into it?? the gettin in trouble...the gettin mad and frustrated...feelin like we're bout to have heart attacks...i dunno...and even with the 10 points still dunno if we'll get the grade we want...i haaaate physics...and den that whole site fiasco thing...my gosh ppl...think sometimes...*sigh* look wat physics has done to us...we're all gettin mad at each other...we're supposed to b helpin each other rite?? btw...thanx sooooooooooo much for those ppl dat helped me...dat's y im still on...blogging and helping ppl b/c OTHER ppl helped me :-) anyways should b gettin to sleep now...q?TOkae yea...i dont get it...y am i so mean sometimes?? i really didnt intend for it to b like that...it was supposed to b a casual convo...so what's my problem?? i ALWAYS blow things outta proportions...actually i dont...i jus *sigh* i dunno...at least it didnt end in me apologizing again...or maybe that woulda been better...=/ o well...hopefully next time will b better...okie i PROMISE next time will b better...and i will get down to the bottom of this thing once and for all...no more stallin or avoidin subject...jus gotta get it over with and then whatever happens after that...happensq@TSMERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! yea so i might b a lil late...but o well... FINALLY got in the Christmas spirit... =) but yea...so today was a pretty good day...found my new hobby...baking cookies... =) anyways not much to say...been a good day =) btw...angela i got your present!!! and thanx so much for your present!!! =) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!qAT(i thought i was learning a lesson today about patience...but it turned out to b a lesson about learning to b content...to b happy with what i have...satisfied with what is given to me...appreciative of what ppl do for me...yea it's hard. i mean like the past six months have been pretty tough...my dad's job...some other complications...time away from home for so long (which made me realize how much i missed my friends and appreciated them)...starting junior year...stoopid studying for SATs...growing apart from ppl b/c of my selfishness...busying myself soo much that my breakdowns came almost weekly... but it's okie...cos next year will b different...i'll get a fresh new start. an opportunity to improve things such as my schoolwork...an opportunity to fix things with everyone...an opportunity to do my mission on this world right...an opportunity to get right with God (though that i should do rite now)...an opportunity to mend broken friendships...an opportunity to grow (physically, mentally, AND spirtitually) *sigh* next year will b different...in many different ways...dont kno what's to come...but i promise whatever happens i'll make the best of it...cos there's a reason for everything...it's all part of God's plan...as long as i can accept that wholeheartedly...please hold me accountable for that...qBUurlLinkqCUśmy friend and i talking about boys my friend : but I dont' know NgelasTiger: awww my friend: justm y hormones acting up my friend: must push them done my friend: balance them my friend... but can't my friend: ... my friend: no NgelasTiger: hahahahaqDT#tonight i want to sleep a good nights sleep, and finally dream again. i used to dream everynight, but school keeps me up stole my dreams. tonight i want to dream a wonderful dream. i wanna go to a waterfall with lights and pretty flowers. a good dream. unlike the random ones ive been having called nightmares... lil pshyco babies plotting to kill me with their lil deforme selves telling my future husband and brainwashing them. so goodnight everyone.i hope you have a nice dream tonight... hehe. i actually said something related to our theme.qEUæAGAIN! i hate this... i typed something reallly really long and meaningful! and then poof its gone because i clicked on something on accident. an now im not motivated anymore... im fustrated!qFTöi wish that this world would b perfect...that we would never b sad...that we would never hafta shed a tear... i wish that our favorite memories would last forever...or that we could go back to them whenever we wanted to... i wish that everything would always b okie...that there would b no such thing as money that could make us greedy or whatever... i wish that there would never b any arguing...that we could all live in harmony... those r jus a FEW of my many wishes that are NEVER gonna come true.qGTghavent blogged in a while. its been boring this pass week but its okay since its better than being stressed out, right? well im late but, HAPPY NEW YEARS! i want something excititng to happen. go hiking or something :-p hahha, go outside an play, run around... hehe. i guess moo krew meeting will be postponed till sadie hawkins if we all go. hehe. i dont know if i should even ask someone. my parents tell me girls should never go after guys so,...yeah, and plus itd be bad if i get turned down huh? hehehe. so ishouldnt try. o0o! i get my tutor back! pan lao shi, but i only get him once every 2 weeks. *sigh... i need him everyday for chem and alg. hehe lord of the rings the two towers was so good, i saw it before christmas :) *sigh ! so good, its worth seeing it twice . hehe we had to sit in the very front too. i got avril lavigne's cd. its really good.qHTźnow im jus confusing the heck outta ppl...i swear...NOONE understands me...they may think they understand me and maybe they do a lil...but noone understands completely...nowhere near that...noone understands how i think or how i feel or even how i am...yea i dont even understand me...i dont understand what i do...what i say...y i do what i do...y i say what i say...it all jus comes out in blabberings that dont make any sense...and now im doing it again so maybe i should jus shut up nowqITšNgelasTiger: is it intestines? or intestints? or? MoO iz VIKgloria: LOLX MoO iz VIKgloria: intestints? MoO iz VIKgloria: ur tests have tints? MoO iz VIKgloria: ur intestines have tints? MoO iz VIKgloria: :-P NgelasTiger: hahah NgelasTiger: its blueee MoO iz VIKgloria: ewWw MoO iz VIKgloria: mine's green MoO iz VIKgloria: :-D NgelasTiger: hehhehehe NgelasTiger: mines rainbow!! NgelasTiger: and silver and gold and diamond NgelasTiger: its worth millions NgelasTiger: so is my poopie MoO iz VIKgloria: is it worth crap? MoO iz VIKgloria: HAHA NgelasTiger: its worth a lifetime supply of crapola NgelasTiger: omg, crayola NgelasTiger: but its crapola NgelasTiger: we can make crayons!! NgelasTiger: YOU KNOW WHY? NgelasTiger: because its INTESTTINTS!!!qJUŸwow, i just skimmed at what we wrote. hahahaha. so young. i mean somethings i totally remember. and others... are so surprising because i really forgot. hahah.qKUAtook hours to recover this blog. hahah. amazingly, its still hereqLTNHello hello hello again. It's lovely to speak to you all. Really. Let's see... seeing as my mother is off at work for another 40 million hours and I have neither A) a license or B) a car (though I have a permit and could easily drive anywhere I wanted to had I my Jeep), I am inherently under house arrest. 'Oh,' you say, 'But it's such a lovely day outside! Why don't you take the dog for a walk, or go for a bike ride, or read a book in the sun?' Well, first off, I will not be taking anyone for a walk because I am just now regaining said gift of movement back myself. Yes, I have begun training for cross country, and it hurts . Secondly, my dog is quite content to nap, and continue on in a napping way until about 6 o'clock when he will undoubtedly begin to go mad with hunger. Yes, I starve my dog. He never eats. He is bone thin, and can barely survive on the bits and scraps from the garbage left over from the feast last night. Actually, he is getting rather portly. We feed him the same two meals a day, it's just that he hasn't gone for any walkies in a bit. I should go throw the ball for him outside. But not now, he's napping. And besides, that much physical exertion after a long and strenuous day of, err, doing stuff, might just kill me. And I have practice tomorrow. Need to preserve my energy, I do. Of course, the scheduled practice was to go swimming. Well, coach calls it swimming, it's really treading water for forty minutes. But it is much more fun than drills and sprints, or even a long run. No, though. We can't go swimming. The swimmers are going swimming. Wait a bit, it's not even the swim team. It's... the children! Little children who are afraid of the water and cling to their mother's legs before getting thrown into their cold, wet, doom, only to be met by some overly-perky girl with a long blonde ponytail, enthusiastically encouraging the little kids who are innocently flailing their arms about to "relax... be one with the water... and blow little bubbles... and..." So, while some children will become forever aqua-phobic, I and my fellow cross country runners will succumb to the pain and torture that is... the DP weight room. Again, actually not as bad as some workouts. It's just that, well, we did it on Tuesday. And it hurt. A lot. And it smells. A lot. And swimming is just way more fun. Ah well. C'est la vie. Friday's workout is going to kill me. Sprints. I hate sprints. Sprints are the reason (besides wanting to devote my precious time to the beautiful art that is theatre) I quit track. And not only are we doing sprints, oh no, we are doing sprints on the BEACH! Ooh, it just keeps getting better. (Dear reader, you must know that, while I do seem rather sarcastic and cynical, I really do love cross country. Besides the pain, it's a fantastically fab group of people. It's just that it's very easy to complain about. Not that anyone reads this... but I digress). Yes, so, anyway... ah yes. And, on Saturday, whilst everyone is dragging themselves up Gaviota Peak, I, in my Jeep, will be happily driving around in Los Angeles, shopping for back-to-school supplies, writing (in Italian) to Sig. Cicale back in Prague (or are they in Italy now?), and maybe taking in a nice leisurely bike ride around the lake. Oh, and shopping for something to give to Ariel for her grand birthday spectacular that I know she will have in a few weeks. I feel like an old lady around all my DP frieds. Well, all my freshman friends anyway. I was just at Karisa's for her 15th birthday, and Whitney hit 15 in March, Ariel will be on the 16th of August, and Molly - not until January of next year! However, I shall be happily celebrating my Sweet 16 come November. A round of huzzahs!, if you will. Well, I suppose I must be going now. I've loads of important people to see and many things that need tending to. Perhaps we shall chat again sometime soon? Baci, ~KqMTMSo hello. I've become so fed up with my other blog that I just need to start a new one. I've littered the other with stupid quizzes and mindless babble. So here I am. I've not much to say right now, but I just can't leave a brand new blog naked, so I thought I'd post a quick note. That being done, I shall leave you now. Tata. -KqNT1Basics Name: tess Single or taken? single Sex? Female Brithday: june 2 Sign: gemini Siblings? 1 sister Hair Color: brown. until i redye it black, of course Eye Color: light brown. sometimes a little yellow. hah. Shoe Size? 8/8.5 Relationships 1. Who are your best friends? tamar, sophie (there are more, these are the ones i list though) 2. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no Fashion Stuff 1. Where is your favourite place to shop? it's more of with whom. place not important 2. Tattoos or piercings? ears, once. until i turn 16. Specifics 1 Do you do drugs? nope 2. What kind of shampoo do you use? herbal essences anti-dandruff. woop. and aussie, at times. 3. What are you most scared of? myself 4. What are you listening to right now? bikini kill- capri pants (haha, actually true) 5. Who is the last person that called you? maybe meredith? olivia. 6. Where do you want to get married? let's not go there 7. How many buddies are online right now? seven. slow day! 8. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? my will power. imagine everything i could do with myself! Favorites 1. Color: dark red, green, or blue 2. Pasta: OOH! linguine, when it's well cooked and with olive oil and salt. 3. Boys names: peter, james, something i can't remember 4. Girls names: I like a lot of girl names. 5. Subjects in school: it's a new semester! we'll see which leads, aps or chorus. 6. Animals: Cats, i guess. not really an animal person, by parental default 7. Sports: soccer, skiing. you ever... 1. Given anyone a bath? um, no. 2. Smoked?: nope 3. Bungee jumped?: no 4. Made yourself throw up? yep 5. Skinny dipped? no, sorry. oh wait, yes, i have. 6: Been in love? doubtful. let's wait on that one. 7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? i don't think so. 8. Pictured your crush naked? who hasn't? 9. Actually seen your crush naked? unfortunately, no. 10. Where'd 10 go? dumb question. 11. Lied? yes, but my morality inevitably beats me out if it's important. ohhhh wait. big lie. yes. 12. Fallen for your best friend? not romantically, really, but yes. constantly. 13. Been rejected? by a person? no. i've never tried, so there's nothing to reject. 14. Rejected someone? only if fourth grade counts. 15. Done something you regret? too many times. Final Questions (yeah right) 1. Do you like filling these out? yes. from time to time it's enjoyable. 5. Gold or silver? Silver. So what happened to 2, 3 and 4? 6. What was the last film you saw at the movies? lotr. 7. Favourite cartoon? by the way, i never watched tv. never. no cartoons, esp. 8. What did you have for breakfast this morning? kix cereal with non-fat milk. 9. Who would you hate to be locked in a room with? my family. wait, that happens a lot! other people; i don't know. i don't hate many people. 10. Who would you love being locked in a room with? *grin* or a friend or two. everyone would get old, but it'd be fun for a while with some of you. 11. Could you live without your computer? possibly (yes), but i don't feel like finding out. 12. Would you colour your hair? yes. obviously. 13. Could you ever get off the computer? yea... i do have a semblance of a life. 14. Habla espanol? iie, nihongo o hanasu. 15. How many people are on your buddy list? 158, but i don't talk to half of them anymore. 16. Drink alcohol? nope 17. Like watching sunrises or sunsets? both, yes. 18. What hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional. physical isn't bad. Currently Clothes: pajamas. still not dressed, after a car ride... Taste: my mouth. Make-up: none. pajamas, remember Hair: fluffy and smelling nice Annoyance: my cold feet (acne i HATE YOU) Favourite artist: ani difranco and/or dar williams Desktop picture: the sony vaio thing. how lame. Book you're reading: nothing, yet. that starts later today. Cd in player: cd i copied from tamar (other people's music, june 2003) Dvd in player: it's not mine, i wouldn't know. Last Person You touched: tamar You talked to: my mom Hugged: megan You imed: it's been a few days, actually. but i think aditi. You yelled at: my sister, day before yesterday. Are You... Understanding: i like to think so. if i don't get it, i don't know that. Open-minded: again, i like to think so. i flog my brain if i find myself being close-minded. Arrogant: sometimes. working on that. Insecure: very Interesting: i hope i am, but i don't really know. Random: sometimes. things progress logically for me, but you can't see it. Hungry: no. i rarely am. Smart: generally, yes. specific to certain things? well, a few. Moody: all the time Childish: i suspect i am Organized: a little. things have piles. Healthy: not really. well, maybe. i don't know. Shy: unless i know you, yes. Difficult: yes Bored easily: no (i choose to be so) Messy: aye Responsible: aye Obsessed: aye. more than you know. Angry: not too often. well, yes, often. Sad: a lot Happy: sometimes. i like being happy. Hyper: depends how much stress and sugar i've had. Trusting: too Talkative: by default, from silent friends Who do you wanna... Kill: i wouldn't actually kill anyone. if they happen to die, well, no loss. but i can't think of many people. Slap: there's a list. not sharing. Look like: that's so hard. i just want to edit myself! a lot! Talk to offline: *grin* Talk to online: tamar. (also for the previous, but it's not the same person, so i didn't want to confuse the two) (and i only always say tamar, by the way, because i talk to like 5 people consistently, and she's generally the most interesting, or at least has things to say. you could lift yourself up on this list, you know.) Random In the morning I: brush my teeth, wash my eyes. etc. Love is: you don't get to know that one. I dream about: the weirdest things ever. there are clear plots and recognizable characters, and sometimes they're frightening or fantastic, but i dream all the time. Which is Better? Coke or pepsi: diet pepsi. Flowers or candy: flowers better for you, i believe. and you can dry them. Tall or short: for what? i'd rather be short, but i love tall people. and medium people are adorable. Opposite Sex What do you notice first: Physically? depends on what angle. usually how they walk. or their hair. Personality? sarcasm in the voice. how much. Last person you slow danced with: wow. it's been a long time; i don't remember names. OH! teddy! duh. Worst question to ask: to make me mad, or to not get an answer? mad, that's dumb. no answer, try name o' crush. Who makes you laugh the most: is this supposed to be of the opposite sex? i don't even see anyone of the opp. during the school year. so: the person who makes me laugh the most is sophie. used to be toni, but check it out, she left. meredith? Who makes you smile: everyone can. real smiles are very rare. but... 743? (DUH) Who do you have a crush on: 743, remember. Who has a crush on you: no one, i think. i wouldn't know. Who is easiest to talk to: tamar Do You Ever... Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you? no. if a person signs on and they don't IM you in the first five minutes, then they're probably not going to. anyway, there's no one whose sn i know for whom i'm so desperate. Save conversations? always Wish you were a member of the opposite sex? not wish, wonder. Cried because of someone saying something to you? my family, but not anyone else. Number Of times you have had your heart broken: n/a, right? Of hearts you have broken: again with the NONE! right?qOU8think of lines. now think of a really bent one. meet me.qPU*urlLink create your own visited states mapqQTL 1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "pounds left him and bought a ship, a small overgunned retiree from" 2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: an REI bag 3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: karakoe thingies, but really buffy, the original movie (!!) 4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 11:10 5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 11:11 6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: assuming aside the music as well [pauses], washing machine, airplanes, car outside 7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: walking into the house from the car (yes, it was outside) after spending the evening in palo alto, and stopping for gas on the way home. 9: What are you wearing?: baggy old t-shirt (green), and light blue costco plaid pajama bottoms 10: Did you dream last night? most definitely. it involved returning aps tests and caitlin b. 11: When did you last laugh? ehm... on the phone last night, probably. 12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?: paint. my parents aren't big things-on-the-walls people, and we're having it all repainted on monday anyway. 13: Seen anything weird lately?: not in particular. 14: What do you think of this quiz?: it's decent. not great. 15: What is the last film you saw?: buffy . if that counts? before that was hairspray . 16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: a good house in palo alto, of COURSE. who knows what next. 17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: you know everything. 18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: i'd probably fix the whole environment. X on pollution, fix the ozone layer, restore the trees, and all of it. 19: Do you like to dance?: i do. i'm bad at the "normal" type, but the rest is good. 20: George Bush: eurgh. 21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: miriam or rosie. (middle names are there, but i can't remember) 21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: jacob, james, or adam, actually (albeit, those are family names), though i would also name a kid oren because it sounds nice. 22: Would you ever consider living abroad?: absolutely. 23: Will you pass on this survey?: sureqRT%Instructions: On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on the list (no matter how cheesy or embarrassing), and write down your favorite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line. Then, have your friends comment and see if they know the songs. 1. i say my hell is the closet i'm stuck inside 2. and if the chance should happen that i never see you again, just remember that i'll always love you 3. oh go back to being friends, tonight let's be lovers, oh please 4. life can only be what a man can make it 5. ...can break you loose... 6. there goes my hero, he's ordinary 7. there's one metal more in group three 8. i wish he'd never come near me, i wish his shoulder wasn't touching mine 9. all through the circling years, you were the only one who could have brought me here 10. you said you understand why this kind of work satisfies 11. new, and a bit alarming, who'd have ever thought that this could be 12. won't you tell me what you're thinking of, would you be an outlaw for my love 13. are we the fools for being surprised that a silence could end with no sound 14. i stand where you stood, i stand for bad or good 15. yes, i will wait for the truth 16. you don't know how much I'd give or how much I can take just to reach you 17. so deafen me with silence, drown me with your roar 18. i recall the sunshine as you were melting and though the comedy softens the fall 19. when i go for a ride i like to take it nice and easy 20. she drives me crazy like no one else, she drives me crazy and i can't help myselfqSTtoo brilliant to pass up! TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR... NOSE: 54sw ELBOW: t56eweswse CHIN: fdxzxs FEET:tes EYES CLOSED AND ONE FINGER: ress BACK OF YOUR HAND: 6edese PALM: tess MOUSE:te4sews WRIST: ter3wsasa oh jesus! that would show my coordination accurately.qTX%MOPSY 1 Wandering aimlessly seems to be a thing of pleasure for her, these days. Marianneā€™s sense of romance lets her connect collapsing in a graceful pool of cloak and limbs with skinning the soles of her feet on a hot sidewalk, and getting one more concussion from fainting along the way. Her hallucinations and the wild heat aid her. She smiles faintly when I struggle to pick her up, fluttering her hand at me as if to say she cannot do it herself, but that it is not worth the trouble. I think she is worth the trouble, and know she tries not to grunt when I put her across my shoulders and carry her home. Sometimes the walk home is very long, and I see that it is a large distance she has walked. Then, there are more and more frequent pauses as I stop to catch my breath, and listen for her slow breathing. Sometimes she has only just made it around the corner of our street, and then I turn around to see the curtains falling back down, the neighbors pretending not to have been watching. I would not look at them if I was Marianne, but I think she does. I think Marianne sees a lot of things I would not want to see if I were her. When she is back on the drooping couch, she does not look at me. I intend to fix the sofa; I will give it proper cushions with full ends and upholstery that doesnā€™t remind us of nineteen eighty-two. I will take away the brown-flowered curtains in her bedroom, and find clean white ones to go in their stead. The rugs should not be faded, the bed should not sag and creak the way it does, and there should be neither linoleum nor a plastic table cover in the kitchen. Marianne never thought that being an invalid would mean old red and green and beige and pale blue flowered sheets to hide the stains from when she could not keep herself from coughing in the night. She did not think there would be coughing in the day, too, and that some of it would be done in bed. I never (have never, do never, will never) ask her why she walks barefoot out the door sometimes, so long that I must go find her. I would not want to sleep on a tired, springy bed with stained sheets either. I do anyway. Finally, Marianne looks up at me from the couch. I am sitting in the armchair across the room, watching her and waiting for the present moment. She wants to ask me what we shall do this afternoon. Anything you like, I can say, giving her the decision. She will not be able to make up her mind, and we will turn the cushions backward on the sofa to redistribute the old fluff inside. There will not be anything worth watching on the TV, and we will be admittedly too lazy to pull out a CD player, so we will just sit. My arm goes around her shoulders, she slouches against me, and everything is just the way it ought to be. I will have to push her away, then, because her skin is too hot and I am afraid that I will begin to burn if she does not let go of me soon. Sitting on the sofa this way will only make new sofa memories over the old ones, and I do not want to revise the past. I will not suggest or move or even look to sitting with my arm around her on the left and left-middle gap cushions because I remember when her skin was cool. She did not cough so very much then (and coughing rubbish up was rare). Marianne and I are quite well matched, I think. The neighbors say so, and they laugh. Mr. and Mrs. Chotky have their prejudice intact (Marianne sees them and smiles all the same), but I happen to know that Marianne is not going to ask me what to do this afternoon because she does not want me to pull away from her. She knows what I am thinking. This is good. Even fevered people can be soul mates. Even fevered people can read minds, if they could before. There are many things that Marianne can do, these days. She can walk half a mile, in shoes, without fainting. She can, usually, dress herself. She can manage our calendar; every so often she will update it with colored crayons to mark the days in which we will go to a park or a museum or Ikea to sit on the furniture. I am teaching her to make pancakes from the bag, and she is teaching me to bake brownies from the box. Sometimes she has trouble with the flipping and the mixing, but that is why I am here. My arms are fairly strong, she says, though my culinary genius does not yet extend beyond pre-packaged food. I try not to remember that she does not have the energy to stand and work for longer than it takes to make boxed brownies. She particularly likes the interval between opening the box and eating the brownies, when she can watch me become befuddled and laugh. Youā€™re learning, she says, you have to be the one to sort the process out. I laugh too, of course, and if the brownies are miserable because I forgot the yoghurt this time, we laugh again. She can laugh a lot, these days. One day, I bring her a book that I have bought in the subway station on the way home from work. I have a part-time job in an architectā€™s office as a kind of gopher, only they pay me more because they know my girl is terminally ill. We deny that it is terminal, but accept the money anyway. Perhaps someday Iā€™ll get a real job there, and move up the totem pole? Twenty-six and Iā€™m only starting off. I think weā€™ll be okay. Marianne protests that she is not okay- She does not really want the book I brought today, or the cards from yesterday, or the disposable camera from the day before. She wants me home, of course, she wants to be well again, and she wants a bottle of Lysol to clean her sheets with. I tell her that she might not want Lysol for her sheets, but she is adamant. In the end, we strip the bed and dunk the sheets in Clorox. We soak and drown and inundate the sheets with Clorox. [The sheets] are now slightly closer to white than they were before, but have mostly faded into beige. She is begging me for brooms, for vacuums, which we have, and for heavy duty window cleaner and ammonia based cleaning products, which we havenā€™t. Formula 409, while probably toxic, does not smell the same way ammonia does. It is also advertised as biodegradable, and I thus see it as a good investment. Marianne does not think that Formula 409 will rid her house of the old invalid smell. Twenty-six and this is how it ends, she says. Then she looks at me solemnly, and points out in all seriousness that she intends to scrub her soul of disease with ammonia. I do not want to laugh, because she may honestly intend to wash herself with floor cleaner, and if I laugh she will swallow it just to spite me. This must be stopped. I snort accidentally, in the effort to breathe calmly through my nose. Again, I snort a little, and my mouth is twitching, so is hers, she is laughing a little, then I am, and then we both are, as ever. Marianne flips to the first page of the book I have given her and shows me that a) it is a romance novel, and b) the main character is intending to scrub her soul with something or other. She had begun reading while I was searching for Clorox, and found it devilishly amusing. I begin to wonder if she is honestly as tired of living in a sick house as I am, or if sheā€™s only made that up to use a line. Shame upon me, because of course sheā€™s tired of living here; Marianne is here more often than I am. Marianne is always here. On Saturday morning, I make a feeble attempt to sleep past nine. I do not like venturing into the real world at 6:45 daily to make money- some days I am still a teenager. Marianne is a teenager too. 8:45 AM and she is sitting on my bed, considering shaking me awake, considering staring at me until I wake up, considering doing neither, and finally just staring out of sheer nervousness that I might die if she shakes me too hard. You are fragile, she says. I wake up, of course, and ask her if I have kicked her in the night. You are fragile, I say. Then I want to kick myself, because of course she has her own room, own bed, now, with Clorox-ed sheets. I must kick myself again and again, to remember that I am not going to forget sleeping with her nearby when her skin felt white and her rubbish landed in the pot by her pillow. It is all right, of course; a slip of the tongue at 8:45 is forgiven by her because we are going to make pancakes again. She will be a fast learner and a fast talker when she gets tired. Marianne has stopped getting cranky when she is tired. She is tired often, I think. When we are getting ready for bed, Marianne often sits on the bathtub ledge to watch me brush my teeth. She is very philosophical, then. You know, she says, having toothpaste on your nose is like having banana on your chin. Here, I want to laugh, but doing so while brushing my teeth opens my mouth dangerously wide. I think thatā€™s why she says the things she does, to see toothpaste dribble out of the corner of my usually neat mouth. She strikes me as so young, then, or at least so fun. Itā€™s funny that you connect the two, she says. Twenty-six and thatā€™s just where we are, love, twenty-six. She pauses, and I stare at the mirror, brushing heartily away; thinking. I canā€™t say Iā€™ve learned something from her. There is no lesson from her sickness, and I donā€™t want there to be; lessons mean closure, and weā€™re not finished yet. Weā€™re going to make her well, weā€™re going to move across the country, and weā€™re going to be young and beautiful doing it. I grin, and lose a little toothpaste out the side of my mouth. I think weā€™ll be fine, I say. Twenty-six is a good place for us.qUX, The Song That... ...describes me, myself and I: has not been written, i think. ...i was listening to 5 years ago:"Little Black Backpack" by Stroke9 ...i was listening to 4 years ago: "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden ...i was listening to 3 years ago: "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch ...i was listening to 2 years ago: "The Young and the Hopeless" by Good Charlotte ...i was listening to last year: "Both Hands" by Ani DiFranco ....that is all I listen to now: "Calling You" by Blue October ...plays in the background if my life was a movie (and if i had to choose one): "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas ...I canā€™t get out of my head: "Crazy for This Girl" by Evan and Jaron ...Iā€™d rather have in my head: "Stay or Leave" by Dave Matthews Band ...i just start singing randomly (anytime anywhere): Happy Birthday ...I sing in the shower and ONLY in the shower: none? ...makes me think about the past: "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden, if you want camp flashbacks? ...takes me back to my childhood: "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess ...describes my [relationship] with my [best] friend(s): "Singing in My Sleep" by Semisonic ...[should have] played during my first kiss: (n/a? but,) "She Says" by Ani DiFranco. nevermind the lyrics. ...describes my love life: "I'd Rather Be in Love" by Michelle Branch ...describes my fury, my anguish, my rage: too hard. the three are different. ...reminds me of my saddest moment: but what WAS my saddest moment? try "Stay or Leave" by Dave Matthews Band again ...reminds me of my most triumphant moment: "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard ...reminds me of something it took forever to figure out: "I'd Rather be in Love" by Michelle Branch, again ...cheers me up EVERY time: "Love is in the Air [Ballroom Mix]" by John Paul Young ...makes me sad EVERY time: "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman ...gets me hyped up when I need to be: "Sekai ni hitotsudake no hana" by SMAP ...lays down the hottest beat: "Devil's Dance Floor" by Flogging Molly ...makes me want to dance when no oneā€™s watching: "You Make Me Sick" by Pink (the no watching thing.) ...has the best harmony: "I Was On the Moon" by Apollo Sunshine, only not, i just like part of it. really, there's nice harmony everywhere ...i will never grow tired of: "Never Was" by Allette Brooks ...I heard most recently: "Crazy for this Girl" by Evan and Jaron. obviously? ...will play at my wedding: i'll get back to you on that one. ...takes me far far away from here: "America" by Simon and Garfunkel ... sums up my whole turbulent or blissful life: "She's a Rainbow" by The Rolling StonesqVToh, i must! not sorry. [ 1 ] First grade teacher's name: McKercher. Marnie? Keri? [ 2 ] Last word you said: no. [ 3 ] Last song you sang: Tonari no Totoro [ 4 ] Last person you hugged: nicole [ 5 ] Last thing you laughed at: sol [ 6 ] Last time you said I don't fucking remember: possibly never [ 7 ] Last time you cried: bus in tokyo (leaving host family) [ 8 ] What's in your CD player: either Bolero by Mr Children or the carey mix [ 9 ] What color socks are you wearing: orange [ 10 ] What's under your bed: 1960s typewriter [ 11 ] What time did you wake up today: 6:30. oh god. [ 12 ] Current taste: pizza and pesto [ 13 ] Current hair: loose and messy, whee! [ 14 ] Current clothes: jeans, junshin belt, green japanese tank top, jean jacket [ 15 ] Current annoyance: being overly full [ 16 ] Current longing: to receive a letter- no, a snog, from a certain person [ 17 ] Current desktop picture: vaio! into the distance. default. [ 18 ] Current worry: there will never be a letter. i will fail at writing my own letters. i will be scorned for my stupidity. i will become fatter. these were separate. [ 19 ] Current hate: my blubber [ 20 ] Current favorite article of clothing: striped shirt with lace from japan! [ 21 ] Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: forearms [ 22 ] Last CD that you listened to: Putumayo Presents: Womens' Work [ 23 ] Favorite place to be: still cambridge? the park, and the carpet, are creeping up on the list. [ 24 ] Least favorite place: small gym. no reason. [ 25 ] Time you wake up in the morning: 9-ish? very averaged. [ 26 ] If you could play an instrument, what would it be: other than what i already can do, piano. [ 27 ] Favorite color(s): dark green and grey, burgundy, navy blue, black. [ 28 ] Do you believe in an afterlife: undecided [ 29 ] How tall are you: 5'7" [ 30 ] Current favorite word/saying: "goodness" or "muchly" [ 31 ] Favorite book: The Bell Jar [ 32 ] Favorite season: fall or spring in california [ 33 ] One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: jacob [ 34 ] Favorite day: halloween [[[ FUTURE ]]] [ 35 ] Where do you want to go: excluding places i've already been to, because i want to back to all of them: thailand, new zealand, denmark, norway, luxembourg, portugal, greece, russia, ukraine, india, china, germany, austria, scotland, iceland, tibet, pakistan. everywhere? [ 36 ] What is your career going to be like: exciting [ 37 ] How many kids do you want: 0 or 2 [ 38 ] What kind of car will you have: something non-polluting [[[ HAVE YOU EVER... ]]] [Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc]: n/a [Been to New York?]: yes [Been to Florida?]: no [Been to San Diego, Cali?]: no [Been to Hawaii?]: yes [Been to Mexico?]: no [Been to China?]: no [Been to Canada?]: yes [Danced naked?]: yes [Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day]: yes [Had an imaginary friend?]: yes [[[ RANDOM ]]] [Do you have a crush on someone?]: yes [What book are you reading now?]: Uncle Tom's Cabin, Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams (and other stories) [Worst feeling in the world]: loneliness (pain of that sort), guilt [What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?]: i process the smell of the morning [How many rings before you answer?]: two [Future daughter's name]: miriam, rosie [Future son's name]: gideon, jacob/james [Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?]: yes [If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?]: musician [Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?]: righty [College plans]: none yet. [Piercings]: one on each ear [[[ THE EXTRA STUFF ]]] [Do you do drugs?]: no [Do you drink]: alcohol, no [Who are your best friends?]: jessie/megan, nicole, and sophie? it's hard to say, these days, so i'm likely wrong [What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?]: clairol herbal essences, alternated with vidal sassoon from japan [What are you most scared of?]: drowning? maybe [What clothes do you sleep in?]: boxers and a t-shirt [Who is the last person that called you?]: called ME? tamar, at home; my mom on my cell phone [Where do you want to get married?]: in a castle, or something stoney with gardens of that sort [If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?]: body [Favorite number]: 32 [Been In Love?]: doubtful, but undecided [Are You Timely Or Always Late]: neurotically timely, but my family makes me late [Do You Have A Job]: yes, starting tuesday [Do You Like Being Around People]: yes [Best feeling in the world]: the open heart feeling of lying in the sun with someone [Are you for world peace]: sure, yea [Are you a health freak]: no, i don't think so [Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After]: kind of. yea. [Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now]: yes [Are You Lonely Right Now]: yes [Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married]: no [Do You Want To Get Married]: yes, but also very much no. depends on the situation [Do You Want Kids]: see above [[[ IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU... ]]] [Cried]: no [Bought Something]: yes [Gotten Sick:]: no [Sang]: yes [Said I Love You]: no [Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them]: yes [Met Someone New]: no [Moved On]: yes [Talked To Someone]: yes [Had A Serious Talk]: yes [Missed Someone]: yes [Hugged Someone]: yes [Kissed Someone]: no [Fought With Your Parents]:yes [Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With]: yes [Had a lot of sleep]: noqWX  Edge-of-Jungle Scene It is late afternoon, and the smaller animals are gravitating towards the watering hole. Its uneven blackness spans a large area, with a graying log floating in the center. The animals appear to avoid this potential resting spot in favor of hovering around the edges to drink and retreat into the shadows. More grey, ropey branches lie tangled across the surface of the water, from the fall of the central rotting trunk. The jungle populace holds its distance from these deadly cords, the nearest life form being a single toadstool growing in the shadows. An adventurous pale green frog has recently begun swimming near the opposite shore, but the others wait in the shadows for proof that the predators have already come and left. Keyboard pad, keyboard, cords, paperclip bowl, post-it notes A large rock stands atop a nearby plateau, overlooking the watering hole. It has a smooth, thin surface, with a blackness that the pond reflects. A frequent origin of strange noises, only the tiniest and bravest of creatures seek protection here- purple speckled tree frog of the same species as the pale green swimmer, and a colony of white moths. Computer monitor, post-its, business cards Off to the leftmost side of the pond, after a safe space of red earth (trampled into circles and ovals by the larger animals), a large sloth has emerged to hydrate itself. The sloth is of a very light grey, and has not moved for at least twenty minutes. It is difficult to discern which end is its head and which its tail. Neither end nor sides produces limbs of any kind. Breathing is also not visible, but it is expected that it will soon ā€˜awakenā€™ to drink and slink away. This manner of appearing dead or inanimate is a defense mechanism of the grey Jungle Sloth. Cashmere sweater Tree branches swing low by the right side of the water. On top of these sit a variety of birds, possibly unsure as to whether the fallen tree branches are snakes or plants. One bird, a deep brown creature of the Armanus family, has opened his wings silently, revealing tan wingtips to indicate that his status as a male of mating age. He sits triumphantly atop a red jungle worm that he has crushed into submission. It no longer struggles for freedom. Armani glasses case, red CD case Behind this more colorful bird sit a collection of oddly shaped birds. The first two are crows, one starved and gaunt, and the other with a tumor on his rear end such that he appears curved up at each end. Their black feathers are no longer shiny, perhaps indicating a flight across the desert to the edge of the jungle, here. They, too, await the clearing of the watering hole. Next to these two characters sits a black vulture with a particularly bulbous head, which he swings at random moments so as to inspire fear into the sloth and the other faking-death animals. However, his possession of a bit of still-red rhinoceros carcass indicates that he is no longer on the hunt. At his side is the last crow, with longer feathers than the others, looking particularly mild for the hot weather. A cool breeze blows in, and the purple speckled frog leaps into the watering hole. Stapler, tape dispenser, rolodex, pink bank receipt, hole punchqXUThis is Unforgettable.qYT`In Bush We Trust? John Moyers is Editor-in-Chief of TomPaine.com. George W. Bush is a liar. There, I said it -- the "L" word. Someone in Washington had to. Thanks to AWOL WMD, people all across America have the "L" word on their lips, but here in D.C. it's still a hard one to mouth. Few Washington-based commentators and fewer politicians have done so. On Sunday, June 22, The New York Times had a chance to be the first big-league outfit to say it plainly. But the headline on Washington-based reporter David E. Rosenbaum's story, "Bush May Have Exaggerated, but Did He Lie?" was a tip that the story would pull up short. Rosenbaum considered a narrow question -- whether Mr. Bush has told any neat, tidy, obvious lies -- and concluded he has not (a couple of fibs and distortions, maybe, but no lies). Whether the president twisted intelligence on WMD "can probably be answered conclusively only by historians when all the evidence and consequences are known," Rosenbaum wrote. (So, our kids get to pay the debt for our imperial aspirations and our tax breaks, and someday they'll be the first to know how it all happened. Great.) Distance seems to make criticism easier. The Times' Princeton-based columnist Paul Krugman has written that the administration "systematically and brazenly distorts the facts" and is "choosing and exaggerating intelligence" and "misleading the public." Close, but still no "L" word. Boston-based William Rivers Pitt isn't daunted: The administration "lied us into a war," writes the high-school teacher who moonlights as a columnist for Truthout.org. "Trust a teacher on this. We can spot liars who have not done their homework a mile away." A full-page ad in The New York Times last week by MoveOn.org and Win Without War, groups with members across the nation, put it plainly and hoisted the president on his own pointed WMD -- words of mass distortion. Under the headline "MISLEADER" the ad stacked up five of Mr. Bush's pre-war whoppers and noted, "It would be a tragedy if young men and women were sent to die for a lie." (Full disclosure: TomPaine.com liked the ad so much, we paid to run it in the June 30 issue of The Weekly Standard.) Harley Sorensen, writing on SFGate.com, gets the prize for directness: "Why mince words? These are the facts: 1) President George W. Bush is a liar. 2) Secretary of State Colin Powell is a liar. 3) Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is a liar. 4) National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice is a liar." No mincing there. So the word is out there in different forms -- lie, lies, lying, liar. When will Mr. Bush's putative opponents in government, the Democrats, decide it's time to tell it like it is? Democrats have accused the president of "a pattern of deception and deceit" (Sen. Bob Graham), said he's not been "entirely truthful" (Howard Dean), and led us to war based on "unfounded assertions" (Rep. Dennis Kucinich). Strong stuff, but no "L" word. Opposition worthy of the name would push the GOP-controlled House and Senate hearings beyond the question of what the intelligence community knew about WMD, where it seems stalled. Sen. Jay Rockefeller, the ranking Democrat on the Senate Intelligence Committee, could invoke committee rules that would allow his minority party to launch a full investigation. But he won't -- reportedly for fear of being seen as partisan. If this isn't the time for partisanship -- after all, we're talking about manipulations that led the nation into war -- when is? Rockefeller's timidity is allowing committee Republicans to cover what looks more every day like a lie of literally global magnitude. Perhaps Dems fear the day when WMD are found (and they will be found, by hook or by crook). But they needn't worry -- even if misleading the nation to war weren't an issue, Mr. Bush's record is full of lies. The president says he supports our troops -- but he proposed cutting veterans' benefits and sidestepped a law meant to protect the health of soldiers headed for combat. His "leave no child behind" pledge is a fraud -- he's vastly underfunded his own education plan, and he signed the recent tax bill even after his GOP minions sneakily removed provisions benefiting low-income families. Mr. Bush says he's a "compassionate conservative," but only a hard-hearted radical would push his Robin-Hood-in-reverse tax policies. He says he wants to expand national service programs, but he's presiding over a huge cut in AmeriCorps programs. Candidate Bush promised to be "a uniter, not a divider," but his foreign policies have profoundly divided the international community, isolated America and devalued her stock in the eyes of world. Mr. Bush's administration is built on lies, which means the granddaddy of them all is his promise to restore "honor and integrity" to the Oval Office. Presidential Brain Karl Rove must be worried. Rove knows that any president's popularity rests more on whether voters think he's a believable and admirable leader than on the substance of issues. George W. Bush has that going for him -- people might not like his policies (if they understand them at all), but they like his swagger and certitude, and they trust him to do what he says. But that trust could crumble if questions linger about whether the White House deceived us into war. Few of the president's allies could or would defend that -- even GOP-TV (a.k.a. Fox News) would have trouble explaining away that one.qZT1Opening up with these excellent quotes from our dear friend, Ann Coulter: [more in-depth attacks on Coulter later today, I promise] This is all from her new book, Treason. By the way, I'm firmly convinced that it should be considered treason to write this kind of filth. "Ashcroft has been incessantly attacked on the op-ed page of the New York Times by the same columnists who are now angrily demanding to know why the Bush administration didn't imprison all Arabs before Sept. 11. He has been compared to the Taliban. (And you're not a patriot in this war until a liberal has compared you to the Taliban.)" "Like everything liberals oppose but don't have a good argument for, all reasonable national security measures are called "unconstitutional." Whenever liberals are losing on substance, they pretend to be upset about process." "While undermining victory in the Cold War, liberals dedicated themselves to mainstreaming Communist ideals at home... Betraying the manifest national defense objectives of the country is only part of the left's treasonous scheme. They aim to destroy America from the inside with their relentless attacks on morality and the truth. (p. 289)" Oh, yeah. Let's destroy America! Hey, people! Where are your liberal grenades? WHAT?! You lent them to HALLIBURTON?!! "Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America's self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant. Fifty years of treason hasn't slowed them down. (p. 16)" Fifty years of Treason? If treason includes making sure that a bunch of fat pot bellied men don't take over the world, then bring treason on! *snorts* MANIFEST NATIONAL DEFENSE OBJECTIVES, indeed. "McCarthy's fundamental thesis was absolutely correct: The Democratic Party had fallen to the allures of totalitarianism. It was as if the Republicans had been caught in bed with Hitler. (p. 71)" Now we get to my favorite part here; this is where Ann Coulter idolizes McCarthy. This is the same bastard who ruined thousands of lives and kind of ruined the country, but he wasn't a liberal! He must be great! Bitch! How DARE she?! "When the Democrats' bluff was called in a roll call vote in Congress, many voted for war with Iraq. Inadvertently performing a great service, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd revealed the Democrats' treasonous calculations. She explained that Democrats would be forced to fake enthusiasm for the war on terror or lose the American people forever. Democrats, she said, "fear that if they approach" Iraq the same way they did during the Gulf War in 1991, "they will be portrayed as McGovernite wimps." Consequently, liberals would lie and pretend to support America. With their votes duly recorded, they went right back to attacking the war. (p. 14-15)" While Maureen Dowd is not the nicest person in the world, I have yet to see her condemn every conservative in the world as having committed treason. Dowd might be petty, but there is a line where she stops and rarely crosses. Coulter on the other hand, has no problem discrediting actual achievements of people based solely on the fact that she does not LIKE them, as can be seen here: "Carter would travel to Norway to accept the award in December 2002 - two months after Congress had authorized war against Iraq. Article III's definition of treason is narrow. But after Congress's action authorizing war, for any American to accept this award on the ground offered does sound terribly like "adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort." (p. 257)" Yes. Carter has actually helped people and done more than you ever have to help anyone else. Carter has saved lives, and Coulter has caused grief. Let's see. Who's the better person? I'm thinking here - Oh, Clod. She is, indeed, a horrible person.q[TOk ... so here it goes. Icenhower was talking to me ... and she goes, shaking her head, "Sreya ... I just got the grades ... they're terrible! What are you doing with yourself! I can't believe this ... you KNOW colleges see your final transcripts ... " But on a funnier note, Colella and Connolly were talking and Colella goes, "Ever since she got in to college she's been ... phew! Forgetting homeworks left and right!" "Well," Connolly goes, "She must have been really smart. The way she acted in my class, she got accepted as a freshman!"q\T¢I am afraid of failing Biology. I am also equally afraid of failing Calculus. Whatever I get in either of those classes should not matter because I'm going to retake them either in college, or in the case of the hated Calculus, I will be taking it over the summer. What will happen if Rutgers rescinds my offer of admission: 1. I will be disowned. 2. I will be without a roommate. 3. Sarah will hate me for life. 4. I will be nothing, and nobody. 5. It won't matter because I am dead. There seem to be no pros to this situation, so we'll all move on. What I need to do: (It's too late to accept anything but the usual F on my next bio thing. But I can complete the worksheets and make an attempt to BS stuff. The worksheets might also help me study. Count on me being up until a really hellish hour.) I have also written the world's crappiest poem. And afterward, I think that I should eat cheese. Yes. Cheese. Moving On ...q]T±I am stuck on the plot for Sanguine Fortress. Every problem I solve creates a new one. Did you know that this hunk of junk is the largest project I have ever attempted? I won't say more than that ... I'd jinx myself. What was today? (Two Ap exams in a row, pizza, gerbils and a very wise saying.) Samantha Figueroa asked me what I wanted to do in Spanish class yesterday, and I told her I want to make it possible for more Americans to have health insurance. So she said to me, "I don't know what you feel about what's up there ... but you know, you'd get mad points with him." And that got me thinking more than anything else ... is there a God? I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I'm so FRIED. Anyway ... everytime I write SF I feel better, although it's thoroughly depressing at the same time. So I'm going to keep going. And hopefully, sometime, I can read my work and say, "Well ... I've gotten a damn sight better since then."q^X™*Be Nice* There was a little girl, Who didn't know what to do first. The razors caused too much pain, But life was much much worse. The strength to push down harder, Just wasn't really there. She wasn't very sure, But honestly didn't care. She thought no-one would miss her, Notice they would not. But little to her knowledge, She would never be forgot. People were all amazed, All her family could do is cry. Everyone felt bad, Her friends just wondered why. Teachers were confused, Her bullies all felt bad. If they were only nicer, Now they really wish they had **The Girl** Sheā€™s the girl every one wanted Sheā€™s the girl that I could never have Sheā€™s the one that made my heart beat faster But why? Was she the girl for meā€¦. When I starred into her eyes My whole world seemed to disappearā€¦. When I held her hand Everything seemed so clear When she smiled at me It was nothing but blissā€¦ Do you remember ā€¦ Remember that day It was just you and me Everything turned out great Just as expected to be It was so unclear Those moments we had.. I donā€™t know whyā€¦ But now I can seeā€¦ I donā€™t know why I thought you were so great I donā€™t know why I thought you could ever want someone like me I donā€™t know why I thought We could ever be together Its something thatā€™s so unclear to me We are so alike in many ways Yet we seem to grow apart every single day I donā€™t know what I could do or sayā€¦ To make you trust me To make you believe that Im only wishing for the best I look back at one night.. And I donā€™t know why it had to end like this.. The pain I felt inside was something indescribable But for some reason I didnā€™t care Because I was with you I only wish you could trust me.. And Id like you to know that I would never do you wrong I would never lie or do you harmā€¦ But I donā€™t knowā€¦ I donā€™t know if youā€™re the girl for me? Because right now Everything is unclear to meq_T¹Anyways at the bottom of this Blog there is info on my party. So dont forget about that. Anyways Tommorow is the last day of school!! Finally i can get rid of those little BiTChEs** Anyways My Goals for this summer are 1.Have a succesfull Party 2.Start a PRODUCTIVE!! Band 3.Get a good job that ill keep 4.Get a Girlfriend that i actually like..And want to be commited to (Hopefully Ill find some one good that doesnt give me ShIT* like ______?? I am currently trying to start a band.. In witch my damn band member want to practice... Cuz i cant stand Those Lazy Bastards!! Anyways If you play an instrument or something.. If you want to start a band Email me and tell me PlEaSe.... LiquidBloodyFear@yahoo.com ...... And Just to be specific I want to start a Heavy Metal/Goth band ...SO dont give me any CrAp* about that.. And Im not so good with instrument.. But i can sing pretty good.. And yell very well!! Anyways yeah hit me up bout that!!q`TłIndustrial rock! Just like Marilyn Manson, you know what you have to say and you just say it! I like you very much...just be careful you don't scare me away... urlLink What genre of rock are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to make people laugh and have a good time. You enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what people think of you. You like to hang out with your buddies and just have a good time. [please vote! thank you! :)] urlLink What Kind of Shoe Are You? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla SELENE: You are selene! Beautiful, vivacious, fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the Lycans extinct. Ever wish you could be a vampire? urlLink Which UNDERWORLD character are you? brought to you by urlLink QuizillaqaT=Well I havent updated thi ShiT* In a wile.. But dont worry.. I wont be so fucking lazy Party Info: VICKYS 16th B-day Party June 26th - 7pm-12am - House Party - 2110 Buena Vista Ave Alameda - All types of music - Free Food and Drinks - Bring your own ShIt** If you know what i mean I aint gonna be giving out my shit to people... Anyways If you want to come. Your welcome to. Im not exactly sure who i handed invitations to, Im sorry if I missed you.. Also If you would like to invite friends feel free too.. Last thing but not least.. KeEp YoUr FuCkIng DrAmA aT HoMe!!qbT|urlLink You've Got Good Sex Manners Your mother taught you well - and it shows in the bedroom You've got the class and tact to deal with any weird situation You know how to smooth things over and get back to the good stuff A together, smart lover like you is everyone's dream! urlLink How Are Your Bedroom Manners? urlLink More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaqcUŌTheres not much to post right now.. But there will be shit* in the near future... But if you know me and want to get in touch this summer..Please feel free to Email me at LiquidBloodyFear@yahoo.com Or call me..qdT¬Well my party turned out to be pretty cool..I got shit face drunk, and i smoked about 8 blunts..Which is so much within about 5 hours. The cops ended up showing up around 11:30..For pretty much no reason..Except the people across the street were feeling umcomfortable because there was so many people that supposably look like gang member..BULlShIt!!! Theres not much to say..But when theres somehting important, ill post it...qeT™urlLink You Are 100% Skilled at Going Down On a Girl Chances are your tongue is so tired now that you can't even talk Not only do you rock at oral - you do it a lot Your girlfriend is the happiest girl on the planet. No, really. And, you Mr. (Ms.???) Pussy, are the most sought after lover in your town urlLink How Well Do You Go Down On Girls? urlLink More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaqfT·PAUNANG SALITA HELLO!!! Halina at makisama sa mga adbentyurs ni Hermes at Jackie. Ang aking 2 alaga...punong-puno ng buhay at aksyon...na minsan ay may halong S.T. flick. ETO... DA ADBENTYURS OF HERMES AND JACKIE ADBENTYUR #1 Uunahin ko yung mas matanda...si JACKIE Ipinanganak sha noong March 14, 1997. Nung dumating sha sa bahay namin...napaka-amo at mahiyain nya. Palaging nakabuntot sa akin...di ko sha mashado napaglalakad sa bahay nuong una dahil...meron na rin kaming isa pang dalmatian sa bahay...si SLY! Si Sly ay hindi purong dalmatian...80% lang sha...isa sa mga characteristics ng dalamatian ay ang pagiging territorial nito. Kaya nung dumating si Jackie sa bahay...nagkaroon agad ng mortal na kaaway. Habang lumalaki si Jackie...unti-unti naman itong nagkakasungay (hehehe). Siya ang nagle-lead sa iba pa naming aso (may 2 pa nun...si Sly(dalmatian) at Hubbs(terrier))para magkalat at mag-ingay sa bahay. May isang pagkakataon na binagsak ni Jackie yung salamin ng dining table namin.BASAG ANG SALAMIN!!! Hirap na hirap akong tanggalin sha dun...mabuti na lang at konting galos lang ang nakuha nya. Siguro kung kaya nya lang ibagsak ang piano matagal na nyang ginawa. Sa bahay...si Jackie at Sly ang umuubos ng betadine kesa sa aming pamilya. Lagi silang masaya sa garden...binabasag ang mga paso, nagbubungkal ng lupa...atbp. Maraming kuwento ng kakulitan itong si Jackie...tsaka ko na ibabahagi sa inyo! :D Si Jackie ay isa sa mga pinaka-mabait naming aso...mabait na makulit. At eto ang isa pang natatangi nyang kakayahan...galit sha sa panget...no offense ha...pero minsan kumatok sa aming pintuan ayung isa naming kapitbahay na madaming inaaway...biglang tumahol si Jackie nang pagkalakas-lakas...at mistulang lalapain na iyong ale. Iyong aling iyon na maraming kaaway...at talagang masama ang ugali lang ang kinahulan ni Jackie ng ganung katindi. Si Jackie rin ang aso naming marunong umarte...heto ang kanyang picture sinasadya nyang pagandahin ang tenga nya ng mga panahong kinuhaan ko sha...kasi tangan ko sa kaliwa kong kamay ay isang biscuit. Itong aso kong ito...lahat kinakain...kahit papel kakainin nya...ganon kalaki ang tiwala nya sa akin. itutuloy... NOTE: THIS WAS ELOISE'S ORIGINAL POSTqgTI just want to remember this day.Earlier my aunt living in Nevada gave me a call. I barely recognized her voice because of her hard sobbing, and I instantly knew what was wrong.You see yesterday evening when she called me up, she's told me that right at that moment, her baby - Raider, a 7 year old black labrador - will go under the knife and that she and her husband were frantic, worried sick. She's told me that there were bumps over Raider's body. I knew it didn't looked good and my aunt who is a nurse, seemed to refuse to face the possibility that her baby could die...but 'mothers' are like that, aren't they? But when the vet cut Raider open, instantly they knew that the cancer has spread all over his body and there's just no hope. So immediately they told my aunt and uncle and asked them if they would want them to close him up, wake him up so that they can say goodbye. They were also told that Raider was really suffering. They chose to let him rest in peace. He was cremated and today his remain will be delivered to my aunt. I just want to remember this day when I wasn't able to console my aunt.....The day when I realized, that someday, I will experience the same thing when my babies decide to 'go away', for good.Raider, rest in peace....someday mom and dad will be just fine.qhTheRe's goLLum with the kittens. see the one at her back? i aLways thought that one Looks Like SAM, that girL who won the starstruck kids finaLs. hehe. I was actuaLLy surprided when i saw them this way, in peacefuL coexistence. Kasi, goLLum aLmost aLways pLays with the 3 cats... Karinyo BrutaL ang Laro niLa. then, here's goLLum now... sus, kaLandi... hehe. Titingin pa e... posted by: BEBELABSqiT adbentyur #2 Meet Hermes (her-mee), born:june 7,2001 breed:shih tzu color: tri-color gender: female Bigay lang sa akin si Hermes ng isa sa mga students ko. Medyo di na sha naa-alagaan dahil sobrang busy na nung bata (kyna)...nagkasakit na si Hermes. She had Heartworm and was confined at The Animal House vet for 3 weeks. Nung umuwi na sha...nakapag-decide na ang parents ni Kyna to give up Hermes. At shempre....sa aken nila ito ibinigay (fave teacher nya akowe!)Habang inia-abot sa akin si hermes ito ang last words ni Kyna at Aissa (magkapatid) Teacher Eloise...she'll be your dakilang alalay". Nung inuwi ko si Hermes sa bahay namin...ang payat-payat nya at kalbo...hindi sha mukhang aso...mukha shang pusa. Still...hit na hit si Hermes sa bahay at di lang dun pati na ren sa aking mga kaibigan. Totoo yung sinabi nilang "dakilang alalay" si Hermes kasi kahet saan ako pumunta...sunod den sha ng sunod. Inakyat ko sha sa taas sa kwarto namen para laruin. Dun muna sha para di mashado magselos si Jackie...bumaba akong sandali para ihanda yung kanyang pagkain...ng biglang...blag...blag...blag..."Si Hermes nahulog sa Hagdan!" sigaw ni Nanay. Ay sus..sa sobrang pagiging "pala-sunod" nagpatihulog sa hagdan si Hermes to be with me. Awww...ain't she the sweetest? posted by: ELOISEqjUÄurlLink This is HER! :D This is Baybee Booskie when she was a pup. Thats her topak mode. Oh, by the way, this is the other boo. Not the one that died. This one's the doggie that lives with me.qkTćI just noticed that no one else was posting here the last few days...except me! lolz. I just read mama sangre's post earlier on about rescuing that poor lil creature. I took the liberty in logging onto my local animal shelter's website and goshiez, the pets up for adoption are soooooooooo cute!! If I could only have them all, I'd definitely go for em. The dogs that look like mops, the ones that look like brooms...the ones that look like old men...hehehe. Well, theyre all cute.qlTęI have a friend Who longs for a companion (Like her husband isnt enough) One with big droopy eyes (full of mucus) One with big fat cheeks (that hang like water balloons) One with a wrinkled face (that looks like a wrinkled butt) One with a cold nose (cuz its always full of snot) One with a big mouth and bad breath (that drools like a water fountain) One that she can cuddle (i dunno why she couldnt settle for a pillow) One that she can feed (Ahem, HUSBAND?!?) One that she can take care of (mm, how about a plant?) One that she longs for so much (that she actually asked me to write something about, what a waste of my time!) One thats actually a DOG named TJ! LOLZ!! okay the dogs actually cute. I was just bein sarcastic..DUHqmTói first met him a little more than three years ago, when i was volunteering at the local dog shelter. we found him abandoned at his original owner's home. the owner left him, though she really didn't want to -- she had to go to heaven. so there he was: barely three months old, very frightened, and very alone. he didn't know we were there to help him, and so he was a difficult little ball of fur to handle. i came into the room and our eyes met, neither of us realizing that at that moment, both our lives were going to change forever . as the days passed, he eventually warmed up to me -- he possessed all of the usual shar pei attributes, including being aloof and even suspicious of strangers. i named him noah, because of his burly disposition and the wrinkles on his face, he reminded me of an old man. he won my heart completely and i decided to be the one to give him his new permanent home. he decided to give my life some meaning. i live alone, noah gives me reason to look forward to coming home every day. he is an intelligent dog, and typical to most shar peis, he acts with great dignity and is completely loyal to me. he trusts me implicitly. he makes me feel needed, like i'm a fine person and that i'm safe. definitely, safe, for he is very territorial and though he has never bitten anyone, he lets guests know he doesn't like their presence in his turf. shar peis are definitely not for the first-time dog owners, but i've had lots of experience with dogs in the shelter. i was very lucky that i had the chance to get to know such a magnificent creature. without noah, i'd have been lost long ago. sadly, noah's plight is not at all uncommon. there are millions of dogs in shelters , waiting for someone to take them home and give them all the love and affection that they're more than willing to return. in england alone, every citizen must have 14 dogs each to give all the dogs there a home. if you're thinking of having a dog, please visit the shelter in your area. or at the very least, research about the breed you are thinking of buying, so that you will know what to expect. having a dog is an enormous, long term responsibility, one that we should all think of very thouroughly before acting on. the rewards, however, would be beyond your wildest dreams.qnT2 I have always loved animals; especially DOGS. Growing up, I had all sorts of pets; from Birds, Rabbits, Fishes to Dogs. Each were special in their own way. What I appreciated most from these animals is their ability to sense our feelings. They know when you're down, when you're happy...they know YOU. Five years ago, when my brother went back to the Philippines to continue his education; we got a Dog...just to keep him company. A Dog named Boo. She was a sweet little thing, a sweet and beautiful Mongrel. As time went by, we all got attached to the Dog. Although the rest of my family and I were living overseas, each and everytime we'd go back, she was always there. She was a part of our family. As she grew, her primitive instincts developed and she became one of the most feared dogs in our neighbourhood. She protected our home. She protected us. Apart from being the protector that she was; she was also a very good mother to her puppies. It was such a sweet sight whenever we'd give her little goodies then she'd call her babies one by one; feeding the youngest first. She had always put her kids first. Just like we humans do. She also offered us lil gifts at times. She once caught a fish and brought it to my dad. She also caught a bird and did the same thing. Everybody loved her. Two Years Ago, we received a Phone Call from my Cousin. He lived with my brother and he too looked after Boo. He told us that the 15 year old son of our neighbour had shot our Boo in the heart - IN OUR FRONTYARD. She was 3 months pregnant...and she was shot right in the heart...right in the heart. She laid there, in our resthouse and bled to death. My Cousin phoned by brother shortly after and he rushed home. My whole family was outraged. Everyone cried. We loved that dog so much. People say that we are foolish to have such a strong attachment to just an ANIMAL. She wasn't just an ANIMAL to us; she was our FAMILY. Til this day, I still find it hard to talk about the incident. Writing this has made tears well up in my eyes. It still hurts. I still miss my Dog. Sometimes its hard to understand the things people do. Animals are still living beings...they breathe, they feel, they love just as we do. My family has tried to take the case to court. However, since it is the Philippines, nothing much has been accomplished because according to them, it was just an ANIMAL. Since the incident occured, I havent returned to the Philippines. I do not know if I could control myself under the circumstances of seeing that family and remembering what they did to my Dog. It still hurts and I still miss her.qoT… A new added attraction on our mini zoo... :D she's a 3 monts old monkey and we call her Chi-chi. At first medyo takot pa sya sa tao. Medyo aloof.. and mabaho. hehehe!! Ano nga ba naman ang maaasahan mo sa pet shop to take care of this little soul.. siguro matagal na siyang walang ligo. Medyo manipis ang hair nya and payat talaga. Kawawa namang nilalang. Nabulunan pa nga nung first time naming pinakain ng saging... and we thought fruits lang ang puede nyang kainin. As week pass, medyo nakakarelate na din siya sa environment nya. Nililiguan namin siya thrice a week and she slept with my sister. Of course, medyo takot kami kasi baka may sakit, may ebola, may aids, lahat-lahat na but then unresistable talaga ang charm ng little chi-chi na to sa amin. Oh my.. kumakain din pala ng kanin ang unggoy. Minsan kasabay namin siyang kumain.. OO nga.. nang-aagaw sila ng pagkain minsan. hehehe! may pagkamaldita lang tong bata na to kasi pag nandyan na nanay nya (my sister).. ayaw ng sumama sa kin. Whenever her mom's at school, she's here with me at my shop... and she always fall asleep in my arms na parang baby talaga. As we know, maingay dito sa shop.. pag inaantok na ang bata at may biglang malakas na tunog.. sumisigaw siya... minsan bumubulong.. siguro sa loob-loob nya "ano ba naman tong lugar na to.. ang dilim dilim pero ang ingay" or kaya "ano ba kayo! inaantok ako! wag kayong maingay!" hahaha!! Ah.. may isang beses lang pala siyang sumama sa kin na nasa tabi lang nya yung sister ko.. wala pang isang minute.. inihian ako. Bad Chi-chi! Even Bullit have an experience on her peeing habit... Ganon siguro sila, parang sinasabi na.. "this is my property" chuvabelles. :) Her latest improvement.. Playful. At first, takot siya sa 3 aso namin... even with my little Schat. Minsan kasi tinatahulan or kinakagat siya (kagat na lambing) nung mga babies ko but not now.. palaban na din ang matsing. Not really palaban pero kaya na nyang makipagsabayan. One morning, nasa lapag lang siya at di nilalapitan ng mga aso.. Di siya pinapansin. Nilapitan si Achilles (which is so big na..) at kinurot near his pwet. Syempre, ang initial reaction ng aso.. kinahulan tapos kinakagat-kagat siya.. She also do that.. nakikagat din ang loka.. Nakita ni Schat na nilalaro ni Achilles si Chi-chi.. lumapit ang dalaga ko (si schat).. ang nakiharot na din. Contented ang 2 (Schat and achilles) kasi nakaganti and they left her. Ay naku.. she didn't even cry kahit pinagtulungan nung dalawa. Pero Chi-chi is not contented, nilapitan ang Schat at siya naman ang kinurot. Tawa na lang kami ng tawa sa kalokohan nya. hehehe! Don lang sa isang aso (na adult na talaga) siya di makaporma kasi baka iwasiwas siya non. Hahaha! Ok na yung itsura nya ngayon... Makapal na yung balahibo nya, may buhok na unlike before na nakakalbo siya.. and syempre.. tumaba na din. :) Sabi ko sa sister ko, ituring nya yan parang tao.. dapat laging yakapin, alagaan (as what Ate Thess told me) pero parang sobra ata tong kapatid ko kasi kahit pagtulog at pagkain.. magkasama na sila. Hehehe! I really wanted to post a picture of my sister and chi... pero di maupload dito eh.. can somebody help me. posted by: JOANNEqpTUI thought of posting this photo of Danielle when one day I saw her, just her head, peeking outside when she heard the noises I was making in the kitchen. Curious as she's always been and with half eyes closed, there she was trying to find out what mama's been up to. taken yesterday ( july 31st )...this was Gizmo sleeping on top of his shirt. It's a known fact that ferrets sleep in the dark but since we've been having warm weather the past days, the light didn't seemed to bother him ( Jacob and Danielle were sleeping under their other shirt ) Also taken yesterday, their dad and I decided to buy them a piano hoping to find out if we have a Mozart in the family ( that's not all together true, we got jealous because the other day, we saw a piano-playing-ferret on tv so we thought.. perhaps our kids can do better. ) Jacob played about 3 notes out of curiosity. Papa and mama actually clapped their hands when they heard what Jacob has accomplished! Unfortunately the piano didn't interest them at all, all they wanted to do was to destroy it. KIDS do the darnest thing!!qqTLord thank You and take away all fears that I have right now. Give me and fill me up with Your love. Right now I am scared and need your help desperately. Please work everything out for Your good. Help me love You and act on that love by loving other people and worshipping You.qrT%Father, Make the deepest desire of my heart be for me to live to glorify You and have You glorified in me. There is nothing else that can fit Your will completely in me. Help and give me a mindset with this in mind. I want to die to my flesh, so that I may be able to walk in Your Spirit and likeness. I want to reject any part of myself and gain all of Your qualities. I need You to save me from myself, or before I know it, I will kill myself, but not to You but to the world. Save me from everything, give me Your strength. Love, HannahqsTõLately I have been so confused of what I have been feeling. I know that what I am doing is right, that I have God's blessing, that I am in His will. Yet, at times I feel like I am having pride and lack of love and compassion. I wonder, will I have the words to express all these things? Will I make sense? Why did I take this burden on myself? Why didn't I allow God to help me? Why didn't I go to Him and let Him open my eyes sooner? Why was everyone so scared to tell me? Why didn't I listen when they actually did? Man, I can be a dumb man. Yet, thank you Lord that You are bigger than me and all of this. Thank YOU Jesus, that You are helping me through this. Guide me Lord and show me when and how to communicate and love her through this.qtTŗAll my life I have been trying to please my dad. God has continually told me, "Please Me and you will be pleasing your dad." So then I continue to try to press on to be obedient to the Lord and follow Jesus daily. As I grow and notice the truths in His word and the wickedness of the world around me, I get more and more convictions that I need to follow in my life and obey. Yet, then I become a person that my dad doesn't want me to be. He wants me to do nothing but get a degree and get married. He doesn't want to wait for the right timing. He doesn't want me to serve God. He misunderstands so many points in the scriptures and then gets angry with me because I try to follow them out. He is the only person that doesn't want me to go to Africa because I need to go to school. He is upset with the way I am turning out. Yet, since his expectations of Sarah are lower, I would say that he is equally pleased with both of us. I'm not saying I am perfect or he should even be proud of me. He has asked, "Can't there be something in the middle?" Why does he want idle daughters that want only what the world around us tells us to? Why doesn't he want me to serve the Lord by working with children in Africa? The Lord has been so faithful to me and yet he doesn't even notice. Yet, I can't have the hope of pleasing my dad, I just need to be obedient to God. Many times my relationship with my father is the hardest struggle in my life. I want to obey him and respect him as I am told to do in Galatians and Colossians and throughout the Bible, yet he doesn't even respect the fact that I am attempting to follow Jesus daily and to go where He is leading me. My dad may never be supportive or see the views that I hold, but I know that they are of the Lord and Jesus is there helping me and guiding me. Once again, Jesus tells me, "I love you, you are in My will. Don't wonder what he wants, only do what I want. Never feel bad for doing what I desire."quTWahoo! So much is going on. I am praying about going to Africa and an application to Rainbows of Hope is being mailed to me today. I am pretty sure this is the organization that I want to go with. I hope Jessica likes it too. It really seems like God wants me to go. I pretty much just need to trust in Him to provide and show me the way. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.qvTÕIn the pamphlet, "My Heart - Christ's Home", Robert Boyd Munger is talking about how he was spending time in the morning's with Jesus in the living room. He had been missing the daily time and hurrying in the mornings. One morning he saw Jesus in there waiting and he asked Jesus if He had been there all along. Then Jesus explaned: "The trouble is that you have been thinking of the quiet time, of Bible study and prayer, as a means for your own spiritual growth. This is true, but you have forgotten that this time means something to me also. Remember, I love you. At a great cost I have redeemed you. I value your fellowship. Just to have you look up into my face warms my heart. Don't neglect this hour if only for my sake. Whether or not you want to be with me, remember I want to be with you. I really love you!" I know this is how the Lord feels and that I really need to spend more time with Him. Yet, He has been on the back burner. I need to move Him up to the front and make Him my top priority. I have in some ways, like with my convictions. Yet I haven't with my time. I continually put people as more important in my schedule. I know that there are technically 2 front burners on the stove, but God needs to be on both. Lord help me make you more important in my life. Help me stand up for You and the things You desire for me to do. They are important and I need to make the things important to You important to me. Thank You for your faithfulness to me.qwTé There are so many questions that I wonder about the Bible. How do I know how to wait while I am trying to figure them out. I have been trying to figure out some things like: 1) Is the first part of 1 Cor. 11 cultural or literal 2) Is it okay to speak in tongues to oneself in a church service 3) How far must we go to prevent stumbling others . . . Plus many more. For example, 1 Cor. 14:34 says, "Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says." 1 Tim. 2:11 says, "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission." According to the strongs, silent means silence and churches means a meeting place (jewish synagogue, church) that includes saints of the earth and in HEAVEN. Yet, this word for woman means wife. Where do the single women lie in this? What are we called to do? Is it possible for when the Bible says the word, "brother" "man" it is really referring to the male gender only? I ask all of this not to bring more confusion, but to maybe figure it out. I know that I am called to pray and study out this issues. However, what do I do while I wait. Do I be silent or do I continue to speak? Is it my pride that makes me want to speak? Or if I stopped to speak, could I end being like the servant that buried his gift in the sand? I see both sides as not good options. I just want to serve the Lord and to try to understand what HE wants me to do. I know that I can't always be able to look, read, and follow. Yet, I definitely need some more insight on this one. Tongues? . . . 1 Cor. 14:18-19 "I thank my God I speak with tongues more than you all; yet in the church I would rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may teach others also, than then thousand words in a tongue. 1 Cor. 14:16 (Amplified) "Otherwise, if you bless and render thanks with [your] spirit [thoroughly aroused by the Holy Spirit], how can anyone in the position of an outsider or he who is not gifted with [interpreting of unknown] tongues, say the Amen to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying?" I guess my questions are: Can we not speak in tongues around other people? Even if it's under our breath? Can we not speak in tongues when other people are praying (in the known language). This is what I am seeing in the verses, yet I am not seeing it practiced - even by myself. Stumbling others. . . How are we supposed to prevent others from stumbling when we don't know what stumbles them? How do we know if they are healed? How can we be cautious? As a group, can we prevent doing certain activities for the benefit of others? Can we be sensitive to everyone's needs and struggles? How far should we go for these things? Just random thoughts. . .qxTØLast night I went to Quo Vadis. We all shared what God has been doing in our lives, and I was able to share how God has been helping me with my fears. Then, of coarse, comes an opportunity to face one of them. As we were all talking about playing the jimbay, they asked if I wanted to give it a try. I said, "No, I don't have rhythm". It's okay, you just feel it. "No, seriously, I can't hear it or feel it. I do not want to play it." Just when they stopped asking. . . God says, "Is this another fear?" Me, "Yes, it's pride, huh?" God, "Yes" Me, "Alright, so even if it is Lord, I am not going to overcome it today." I began thinking of ways I could maybe practice it at home to try it at a later date. Me, "No, I am definitely not going to do it today. I will look and sound stupid. I can't keep a rhythm." God, "So, I am helping you over come your fears? You just told them all about it earlier. How about you actually do what you were talking about. Overcome it." Me, "I can't get out of it. Fine one song, that's it." So, I did. God finally won. It was actually fun. Who would've guessed it. Micah seems to think I kept the rhythm throughout the song. I know I messed up a little bit. But it was actually fun and I did it! Praise the LORD! After all, it's all for him anyways. He doesn't care what it sounds like. Thinking back, I actually said to God, "Lord, I am not going to overcome it today." How can I possibly call Him Lord and not be submissive to His voice. Isn't the meaning of Lord that I am supposed to submit and serve Him? Hmmm, as I'm talking to Him, I use an oxymoron. If I am not submitting to Him, then why call Him Lord? Hello, that is so dumb of me. Like calling Him Lord makes my desire of disobedience better or not as bad. Yet, Jesus is consistent and really desires me to obey, so He did everything He could to help me be obedient. HE is good and great. Praise the LORD!, for real this time.qyT’Never Underestimate My JESUS You tell me there's no hope I'm telling you you're wrong! Never Underestimate My JESUS When the world around you crumbles You will be strong, You will be strong Can I be free of this unreleasable sin Overcoming the obstacles are Overcoming my fears Never underestimate my Jesus Isn't that the truth? Lord even though, "I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think YOU Can, I think YOU Can! Gather my Insufficiencies, place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands." Lord, help me keep them there. Help me Lord. Thank You for the continuing reminder that You are working on resolving my fears. Praise You LORD!qzU%urlLink urlLink urlLink urlLinkq{T~1 John 4:4 "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world ." Oh me of little faith! Why do I doubt? Lord give me more faith and hope in You. Build these things up in me. Show me what my part is. Lord, You are awesome and You are love. Help me be made perfect in love. ". . . If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us." (1 Jn. 4:12b) I do not want to fear anyone or anything, make me have perfect love towards all Jesus. I need to know how You did it. Shine Your light in me and strengthen me Lord. I love You.q|T Tonight at home group, the Lord was really teaching me and reminding me of different things. They seem so milky and at an elementary level of biblical knowledge. But this is where I am at. Tonight we studied 1 John 3. Micah brought up how amazing the first phrase is " See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us , that we would be called children of God. . . " I was thinking, 'yeah, so. He loves us, but why is that so amazing, we already know this.' Then God started to show me why it is so amazing. As I have been dealing with all of these fears, God was telling me, "I love You. You are My child. I will protect You like any good earthly father. I have your best in mind. I know the best thing for You." All of a sudden, wow, why do I doubt You Lord. Why do I doubt who You are and Your love for me? Lord give me more trust in You. We also talked a lot about loving other people. For the past couple of days I have been asking people, do I tell people the truth about the Bible and God's ways when they view me as holy rollers, Molly Mormon, and think I am putting myself on a higher level than them? So many times when I tell my family something that is concrete in God's word like 1 Jn. 3:6-8, it's black and white and there is nothing anyone can do to change the meaning of it. Yet, then Grant brought up 1 Jn. 3:18 "Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth." Telling my family the truth about these things is loving them in truth . Even if they don't percieve it as love, it is still love. Just as David reminded me, I need to pray for them. I need to pray a whole lot. Lord help me not give up on my family. Help me realize You have Your hand on my family's lives and You love them so much more than I do. Micah brought up too that we need to be more open and honest with people. Answer people's questions truthfully about our lives and not try to make people comfortable. Chrissy added that if we are more bold with people and they decide to no longer have fellowship with us, then that can be a good thing. It can show them what exactly is missing in their life. They might miss it when it's gone. Today I read about the flood. It continually shows how Noah obeyed all that God commanded him. It says how Noah was a righteous man. Yet, the first thing he did when he got off the ark was get drunk and naked. The Lord dealt with him accordingly and Noah dealt when Shem accordingly when he looked upon Noah's nakedness. These chapters really show God's mercy and love in having a remnant of people that was saved. They also show how the Lord has a balance of His mercy and grace with the need of being obedient to Him. Lord help me be obedient and remember the promises You have given to me. Help me rely more upon You. I love You Lord.q}TóCome to find out I have more and more fears approaching daily. In the past couple of days, I have realized just how many fears I have. I have the fear of the Lord picking someone for me that I won't like. I have fear of the unknown. I have fears of looking stupid (like when I am dancing), which is PRIDE. I have a fear of not being a good enough witness. I also have a fear of the demonic realm. I have a fear that I can't get past all of my fears. Yesterday I read Proverbs 1. vs. 33 says, "But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, And will be secure, without fear of evil ." Luke 12:32 says, "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." 1 Tim. 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Psalm 112:7 says, " He will not be afraid of evil tidings ; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Isaiah 35:4 says, "Say to those who are fearful-hearted 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with recompense of God; He will come and save you ." Lord, You give me some awesome promises and resources to rely upon. Why don't I trust You? Why do I doubt that You will come and save me? Why do I doubt that I have been given more power from You than in the demonic realm? Why do I doubt that greater is You in me than is of the world? Lord, I admit to you all of my fears, worries, and struggles. I know I have a lack of faith and trust in You. You have shown Yourself to be more faithful to me over all situations. Help me trust You more. Help me remember all the times You have saved me from myself, danger, and my sins. Help me remember all the times You have prevented me from making wrong turns in my life. I praise You for how You have been faithful to me through all of my struggles, and through all of the victories You have helped me achieve. Lord, continue to be my helper. Help me go to You for help Jesus. I love You, and I want to love You even more. Amen.q~T:A while ago, I was reading Exodus 14 and verses 13 and 14 say, "Do not be afraid. Stand form and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." The Lord fights constantly for all of our battles, especially the spiritual ones within. He is good and all we need to do is be still and know that He is Lord. A couple of days ago I read Exodus 35:21, 36:6-7 ". . . Everyone who was willing and whose heart moved him came and brought an offering to the Lord fo rth ework on the Tent of Meeting, for all its service, and for the sacred garments. All who were willing. . . . Then Moses gave an order and they went this word throughout the camp: 'No man or woman is to make anything else as an offering for the sanctuary.' And so the people were restrained from bringing more, because what they already had was more than enough to do all the work." Wouldn't it be nice if this was the problem today. I think that we need to be wise to who we give to, yet I think it's impossible to give too much to the right source. Everything I have is God's and I need to remember that. It's not on loan. The things that God does give me though, I should go to Him to show me how to use it wisely for His good purpose.qT)1 Corinthians 5:11 "But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner - not even to eat with such a person." Sounds somewhat simple now, right? Wrong. Applying this verse to my life is very hard. My sister fits these things and now I need to figure out how to be obedient to this. How much time is it okay to spend with her? Are my parents supposed to ostricize her out of the family? I don't know. My uncle mostly, and also my cousins, probably claim to many people that they are Christians, yet they are drunks. Am I not to go to any family functions? Am I supposed to be like my Grandad and just pretend like it's not going on? This is what I am going to seek out.q€TVJust as I think, "most of my questions are getting answered - or at least not as confusing", I get some new questions. I am beginning to realize, "THERE IS ALWAYS MORE TO LEARN ABOUT LIVING OUT CHRISTIANITY. FROM THIS, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE QUESTIONS. IT'S NOT BAD TO BE QUESTIONING AND FIGURING OUT HOW TO LIVE OUT THE BIBLE. THIS IS ATTEMPTING TO LIVE OUT LIFE AS A CHRISTIAN." I have been feeling like I have been legalistic lately, yet I haven't. I am simply attempting to be obedient to the things the Lord has been convicting me about. Have I perfected it, no way, I have a long way to go. Yet, doing things because the bible says so isn't legalistic, it's being obedient to Jesus. Galatians 3:1-3 says, "O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in hte Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" So basically, I just need to be able to trust in God as I am doing things and not try to do it out of my flesh. It's a lot easier to not be legalistic than I thought. Just because others may think I am being legalistic as I am being obedient, doesn't mean it's true. I can't make my walk decrease because of others misconceptions. I am not saying this pridefully, I am saying it because it is more important to be obedient to God and please Him by obeying Him than by worrying about what others think about my walk.qT Sometimes I think "What am I hearing? Who am I listening to? How am I supposed to respond to it?" So then I wonder, what if I am putting these thoughts into my own head. Maybe, just maybe I want to hear what I want so bad that I say it to myself. Then I go into the mode, "Maybe my whole way of wanting answers is so clogged up in my head that I couldn't hear God if He was even trying to speak to me." Then I go to, "Well, God always talks, so Lord, open up and clear my mind that I may hear what You are saying not what I am trying to make myself hear what I want to hear. I want to know what you desire." Just a few thoughts that go through my mind, a kind of spiritual warfare. Jesus promises in John 10:3-4 "To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice." I know I am His sheep and HE is my shephard. Even when satan tries to lead me astray or attempts to 'answer' the questions going through my head, I am not going to follow. This is what this verse means, right? Yet, Jesus will guide me and show me because I belong to Him and He is going to guide me in the ways in which I shall go. I am supposed to always be able to discern what He is calling me to do. Yet, what if I don't want to, then what? I still belong to Him and my free will takes over. Now I don't want this to happen, yet I know I choose the other way all the time. If I didn't I would be sinless, and I am clearly not. So is this just an honest attempt to show the every-day struggles in my life. Maybe. Does it mean it makes since. Clearly not. It only makes since to me. I realize this, yet, I know that when I do discern and be obedient to God, then it makes it easier for me to hear Him the next time. So, Lord, Help me be obedient to You and hear what You are telling me to do. All this for, I finally have peace regarding the whole women issue. I need not to worry about it any more. The whole conflict in my head was killing me and just confusing me so much that it felt like my mind was leaving my body. Yet, I have it once again. Wahoo! I hope and pray I have the right interpretation this time. So, I am not to interupt service or teach man. This is how I now look at this verse. (1 Cor. 14:34-35) I now have peace and the comfort that the only Lord can fill. He is good. After years of trying to study and figure out the verses, I now know what He calls me to follow.q‚UŃMy 10 people to pray for: 1. Kortney and Jeff Keaton 2. Sarah Vincent 3. Nick Curzio 4. Trish Bowman 5. Chris Lopez 6. Kathy Cupryk (?) 7. Merry Darr (?) 8. Lori Bowman 9. Mary Adams 10.Brian WhisnantqƒT~Deuteronomy 6:4-9 "Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." LORD, help me make You my life, and help me follow Your word.q„TBLeviticus 5:1 "If a person sins because he does not speak up when he hears a public charge to testify regarding something he has seen or learned about , he will be held responsible." Numbers 15:30-31 "But anyone who sins defiantly , whether native-born or alien, blasphemes the Lord, and that person must be cut off from his people . Because he has despised the Lord's word and broken His commands, that person must surely be cut off; his guilt remains on him." 1 Corinthians 5:11 "But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler - not even to eat with such a one. I was wondering if anyone saw a connection between the OT passages and the NT passage. It almost looks like the 1 Cor. verse is the NT principle from the OT verses. It's interesting to me that it requires someone to testify even when they learn about it, not just when someone sees it. God's word is always good, it's not always easy to follow, yet when it is obeyed, the reward is great.q…T&Romans 11:32 "For God has shut up all in disobedience so that He may show mercy to all." It's a shocking verse, but an awesome one. He wants to show us mercy. He wants to so badly give us what we don't deserve. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." These scriptures are awesome. When we are disobedient, He, our awesome Lord and God, is still able to use it in our lives. From this, we are able to begin to grasp part of His mercy, at least the mercy being shown to us at that particular time. Praise the Lord that He is even able to use our sins to reveal His holy character to us in our lives!q†TŻGod's love Micah 7:18 "Who is a God like You, who pardons iniquity And passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in unchanging love ." When we think we understand it, it brings us back to the Israelites. If we think we can grasp it or put it to a certain measure (even a big one), we are still minimizing it. The Israelites used to make idols, like themselves, and worship them. There's this song, and it's a good one, and one of the lines is hold me just like any father would . Yet, I think the song should say, hold me better than any father would In a way, it limits God to a human father's standard. He's God, He can do more. I just don't want to think I understand His love, grace, or mercy. I don't want to minimize them in any way with my own comprehension. I know they are unending, uncircumstantial, and uncomprehensible. I know we have a sovereign God and shows us how He loves us daily.q‡TäThank You for my church. Thank You for the awesome families. Thank You for the sweet children that have tremendous gifts. Thank You for Allison who intercedes and prays with faith. Thank You for Jennah who is always willing to help and comfort. Thank You for Raeanna who has a heart to serve. Thank You for the youth who continually surprise me with the servants' hearts. Thank You for the leaders and the examples they set for many to see. Thank You for the examples of families that all share faith in You and follow Your ways. Thank You for allowing a safe place for visitors to come. Thank You for using our church to reach out to the neighboring kids. Thank You Jesus for blessing me with awesome people and a place to come to worship.qˆT(LORD, Thank You for your goodness and all the blessings You give. I can't believe how much I need You throughout the day and throughout my life. I am so stubborn and stupid to ever think I can do anything on my own. Help me ask You for help and help me lean on You, my sufficiency. You are my Father and You are my Friend. Thank you Jesus. I think the most prideful thing one person can ever do is think they can do it without God or His help. He is always there to help us, yet many times He is denied entirely. I don't want to be that stupid.q‰T¶"Can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only joking." This is a line from the song 'Your Racist Friend' by They Might Be Giants on their Flood album. This is a powerful statement that is so incredibly true. Many times I will blame my sin on me joking around or goofing off. Yet, every sin is serious and choosing to shake the devil's hand instead of running toward God. Something to consider the next time a trial comes. . . .qŠTśI just wanted to put this in here because it is something I want to remember. Once again, it's about a simple little prayer of faith from a sweet child. Kerry Moy told me about a prayer that her daughter, Kendsey, prayed about a week ago. "Lord, when Joey gets to heaven to be with you, teach him to walk on water like Peter." As Kerry shared that with Lisa, Joey's wife, she found out that Peter is Lisa's favorite person in the bible. Praise the Lord with His goodness and how He uses His children.q‹T3Why is it that the people I expect the least from I see the greatest change? Why is it the ones I doubt their love for God are the ones with fire burning within their hearts? Why is it that even when I am supposed to be in leadership I still judge people by their appearance and even their character? Why is it that these are the very ones that God uses within my own life to teach me a few things? God says that none of us are above one another and not to think of oneself higher than he ought to think. There were youths last week that showed me what I could have been like in high school if I ever had boldness - if I allowed God to work in my life and didn't try to hide Him everywhere I went. Praise the Lord for the ones that are shockingly in love with the Lord and desiring to follow Him wholeheartedly.qŒTh"Live in harmony with each other. Don't try to act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!" Romans 12:16 NLT Can one verse have any more themes? It was Air1's verse of the day, and since I listen to it ALL day long at work, I heard it many times. It kept on speaking to me. It's simple really. Be loving. Be humble. Be teachable. Enjoy the company of ordinary people is kind of funny to me. I think it means that people put certain people on pedastals - pastors, elders, leaders in the church. Yet we don't need to spend all of our time with the godliest of the godly people. We can simply love on and be friends with anybody. It goes good with the verse, "don't think of anyone higher than ye ought to think" Maybe that verse is "don't think of yourself more highly than ye ought to think". Regardless, I think it applies to both. We need to be humble and can't think highly of ourselves. Yet if we elevate others, we will be let down and may end out making them an idol in our lives. We must be careful and pray for God's help and love to teach us and sustain us.qT-"Things don't always work out the way you want them to, but things always work out the way they are supposed to." My supervisor from my work said that yesterday. She has been going through a tough time. Even though I haven't been through anything bad lately, I think it is still applicable to any situation and anyone. Ecclessiastes 3:1 says, "To everything there is a time, to everything there is a season." So many times I will want to know something right away. Where should I work? What should I do? Should I be going to school? To become a teacher or occupational therapist? When is the next stage of my life coming? Yet, it will all come in the time that God has planned and that He allows. I don't need to worry about anything, it will all happen when it's supposed to - when God wants it to.qŽTnTuesday night at home group we were worshipping and then we spent some time just listening to God. God brought Josh Prior to mind - the guy that interviewed me for a position at Insight. I didn't know why so I just started praying for him and his walk with God. God told me that He wanted me to make a commitment to pray for him. I told Him, "Well, if I get the job that will be easy because I'll see him. But if I don't get the job than you'll really have to remind me because I'll forget." God said again, "I want you to commit to pray for him." "Ok, but please help me remember." Next, God brought to mind the church directory. I was trying to find his name in it. As I was meditating on that, I realized God wants to use me to help draw Josh back to God. I don't know what kind of walk he has, but I know God wants to increase it. God wants to use me in some way in Josh's life - whether it's through prayer or through my life - i don't know. Right now, I just have peace and know God knows. This is all that matters. Lord, bless Josh tonight and this weekend. May You draw him closer to You and show him Your presence. May he feel Your presence Lord, and may You give him a hunger and thirst for more and more of You. Thank You Lord for the work You are doing within him. Praise You Lord for how You work in all of us in such different ways. I love You Lord Jesus.qT²I was talking to one of the girls in the youth group, and she was telling me about how she tries so hard to be nice to a girl but the girl just doesn't like in her return. It made me start thinking. John 13:34 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another." We are called to love. Not just our friends, but also our enemies. In other words, we're not supposed to love people just so we can get loved back. We are called to love to be obedient to Christ. That is all we can do. For those people that just might not like our personalities or that we may have hurt in the past - just love them. Continue to show them the love of Christ. That is enough. There's nothing else we can do. This is something that we can rest in. It may or may not effect the relationship with that person. Yet, we can rest in the fact that we are being obedient to our Lord - Adonai.qTToday I went and washed my car. But, only the outside of it got clean. I told myself that I would clean out the inside of it later. But hey - it looks clean, right? I immediately thought about how people might try to appear clean on the outside, to the people around them. However, in order to be truly clean spiritually is to be clean on the inside. Continually repenting and confessing to the Lord, letting the Word wash us clean by the power of the Spirit and of the blood. We can't just appear clean, we need to be cleaned by God.q‘TvLast night I had a dream that I was at ASU East. I saw an old friend from junior high and we were talking in the parking lot with someone from church. Then, all of a sudden, everyone in the parking lot began singing and signing I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me. It was an awesome picture on a secular campus. Romans 15:9-11 "and for the Gentiles to glorify God for His mercy; as it is written, 'Therefore I will give praise to You among the Gentiles, And I will sing to Your name.' And again he says, 'Rejoice, O Gentiles, with His people.' And again, 'Praise the Lord all you Gentiles, And let all the peoples praise Him.'"q’T,Influence. It is a powerful thing. Paul was able to say "Imitate me as I imitate Christ". I see people with a huge amount of influence on the people around them. I see the people that look to them and are taking on the other person's behavior. It can be a very bad thing if they are imitating the wrong parts of someone's character. When we are in a position where people look to us as how Christians are supposed to act and look, we need to make sure that we are representing Christ as dear children. It doesn't mean that we need to pretend we're perfect. It simply means that when we make mistakes, we choose how to respond correctly and with integrity. May all of us youth leaders be the appropriate influence on the youth, that they may desire to draw closer to God and yearn to spend more time with Him.q“TöLast Wednesday at Youth Group, Allison and Jake did an awesome skit. Allison went around and gave every person a candy bar, and Jake had to do 5 push-ups for them to get their candy. After Jake had done quite a few push-ups, people stopped wanting their candy. But, Jake still did push-ups for them even if they didn't want their free candy. Every time someone was getting their piece of candy, Jake would look at them and say, "Ok". It affected me so much because some of those kids that were there he doesn't even know their names. Yet, he would look at them and then do his 5 push-ups for them. His arms started hurting really bad, but he would just stretch and then do more. In the end, Jake did 180 push-ups. He continually did them faithfully until we made him stop. Allison then said, sometimes actions mean more than words. This is just a little glimpse of what the cross should mean to us and what Jesus went through. We felt bad for Jake after about 30 push-ups. Yet, Jesus wasn't even recognizable as a human when He was put onto the cross. It was an awesome picture of what an average person can do to serve people, yet it can't even compare to the price that Jesus paid for us. Thank you Lord for all that You went through. I love you Jesus.q”T*"I am addicted to you" I heard this line in a secular song. It's awesome, if it's about God. I want to be addicted to God, to the point that I would be: *Sick without Him *Depend upon Him to make me happy and give me joy *He is the one that controls my life *Everything about my life is revolved around Him *All of my money is His and spent where He desires *I would not go long without spending time with Him Jesus, You are the One thing I want to be addicted to. You are the Lord of my life and I want don't want You to just be the center of my life. I want You to be my life. I want to be addicted to You. I want you to be in my thoughts and heart continually. I want my mind to be focused upon You and heavenly things. I praise You and thank You for being my Father, my Saviour, and my Redeemer.q•TŪThe other night I got to babysit my little cousin, Dakota. She clearly wasn't tired, but I had to put her to sleep - it was already 10:00. At about 10:30, she was just lying in her crib and talking galore. To who? I have no idea. Then I heard her say, "Thank you for Hannah, Mommy, Daddy, Dakooota." Then she kept on saying all of our names again. It was so sweet. Perhaps she was praying. I don't know, but this encouraged me that the Lord has His hand on her life.q–TGod created the moon and the stars to be the light in the world admist the darkness. Saturday night I was in a church service and the Lord showed me how this is an example how God can use His creation to teach the church. Just as Timothy and Silas helped Paul raise his hands (maybe this was Stephen), God has the body of a church lift up the arms of their pastor. We can do this by praying for them, tithing, and supporting him in the decisions he makes. The pastor can represent the moon and the church body represents all of the stars. God promised Abraham in Genesis that his decendents would be as numerous as the stars. (Genesis 15:5, Hebrews 11:12) In the same way, we all work together to be the light admist this darkened world. Philippians 2:15 "that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." Let us all strive to be the lights of this world and to support our leaders as God has called us to do.q—TSometimes I wonder what all God is doing in my life. I can seem Him working, and I can hear Him speaking. Why is it that I will doubt when He does? Why is it that are certain things that He wouldn't speak to me about? All day Sunday, I was wondering who was going to be proving the childcare during the Danny Daniels seminar. I felt that God had told me to work with the kids if they needed help. As always, the faithful youth were in the nursery. They are awesome servants. Yet, Paul and Erin were with all the other ages. When I arrived at the church, I pulled in right behind the Greens. Zarah saw me and she just stared. After I had caught up with her family, she was still staring and then her family started walking. Finally after I started talking to her, she began walking as well. I decided I was going to go in so I can talk to her and her brother John. She insisted that I had to stay in there with her. Once again, God uses a child to confirm what He had been speaking to me all day. It was such a blessing, every child there was a blessing. It was definitely a 3 person task, 2 people just wouldn't have been able to watch all of the children and to play with them. Thank You God for the little gifts that You give to me. Thank You for that gift on Sunday night.q˜TLThis has been a very weird week for me. Monday night Kristen came up to me and said she just wanted to apologize for how she was mean to me at camp. I must say, there are things I would change when it comes to my behavior towards her that week. Yet, she apologized and I was in awe. It was so random and heartfelt. I owed her an apology as well. Then the next night, I went to homegroup. The first think little Allison Lott said to me was, "Hannah, I am so sorry for all the times that I wasn't nice to you." I reassured her that she has been really nice to me lately. She responded with "I know but there were times where I wasn't nice to you. And I am sorry. I shouldn't have treated you that way." She's 4! I was mind boggled. Lord, what are You trying to teach me through all of this? Should I be more forgiving and give more random acts of kindness? Are you trying to show me that You love me? Is this just part of the body of Christ and how we are to love one another? Is this a time of receiving? But Lord, I have been receiving so much lately! Whatever it is You are trying to teach me, You are blessing me in the process. I love how You use Your children - and sometimes little children - to teach me things. I just love You Lord for You are good and You know how to give presents to Your children. Thank You Lord for these.q™TüLast week at home group, Kim said, God gives you the desires of your heart, after He puts His heart in you. It's really true. I can see it with my jobs. The Lord put special needs children within my heart. He told me to work with them and now they are forever in my heart. Even though I don't work with them full time anymore, there's a part of my heart that belongs to them. Working with them part time is a way in which the Lord continues to give me the desires of my heart. That same night we went through an exercise where we write something down that we want to hear from God on and that we want answered. Then we wrote what we would hope for the answer to be, what we wouldn't want the answer to be, and then the details of what we want the answer to be. That week, my prayer was on where I should work. Exactly one week later, I found out that I got the job I had applied for. Some of the details that were answered: A job that pays atleast $24,000 a year (this pays $23,500 - close enough for me) A job that has benifits (yeah) A place that I can be a witness (Insight has a lot of drunkards) Some of the details that will be answered in time: A place/ job that I will enjoy A place that I can learn and not be bored A place that I can be creative Someone that I can move out with God sees the answers of our hearts questions. We may not see or hear them when we ask, but they are still there. God just wants to bless us immensely - and He's really good at that. Why is having patience so hard at times?qšTśSunday in the toddler room, there were only two kids! Wooh, it was so rough! The three of us in there could barely handle it! Anyways, during the story, I asked them if they knew how much Jesus loved them. Joshua said, "I love baby Jesus this much!" and he opened up his arms as far as he could. Then Savanna said, "I love baby Jesus this much!" and then she opened her arms up as far as she could. They continued to repeat this taking turns. It was almost as if they were fighting over who loves baby Jesus more! It was so precious. It's so awesome to see how kids show their love to God. That was a completely different situation than when I watched 15 1-4 year olds on the 12th. Cela watched 13 5-12 year olds, and she had it just as bad. We were essentially on our own because we divided up the kids. I truly could barely handle it! Yet, I don't know how I would have been able to without the older kids that love to help - Katelyn, Jennah, Isaiah, Adi, and Katarina. They wet paper towels and toilet paper to make wipes. They did all they could to help. Once again, they each wanted a turn to make a wipes for me - I could never say I had enough - until each of them made me one. Poor babies (Annah, Melissa, and Eliana) that had to suffer through so many cold wipes everytime their diaper was changed! Praise You Lord for giving gifts to Your children and using people of such young ages to bless me and help me. They are awesome and it is so evident that each of them are wonderfully and perfectly made!q›T Wow, it's been a while since I've posted last. . . . . . Well, a lot has been happening. Probably too much to talk about all at once, but I'll try. On Christmas Eve my sister was saying that she had been having contractions for the past two days. Chris and I took her to the hospital (because they were SO bad)! We found out that she was almost 3 cm dialated, but because she didn't change during the four hours that we were there, they sent her home. She wasn't able to sleep all night because they were progressively getting worse and they were coming every five minutes. At 7:30 Christmas morning, she insisted we go back to the hospital. She said, "Either this baby is coming out or they are giving me some strong medicine because they are 10x worse than they were last night. I had no idea that it could hurt this bad." Well, she was then dialated to 4 cm so they called her doctor and had him come in. (Her doctor was out so guess what his replacement doctor's name was - Dr. Seymann - pronounced semen). :) Well, I guess he's in the right field! Anyways, they soon gave her an epideral, I guess it's about 9:30 about. Then they broke her water at about 10:30. I went home about eleven because she was just going to sleep for a little bit so she would have energy later. At about 1:00 Chris called me and said, you better hurry, she's going to be here in 10 minutes! Well, I got there and there wasn't a doctor or even a nurse in the room. But she was dialated to a negative 2. The RN had thought that she was just going to come out without any pushing. Sarah was pretty well off, but she did have to push - for a whole 25 minutes! She lucked out but she was still in pain. I must say, it was a beautiful thing to experience, and the miracle of birth is truly that - a MIRACLE! After little Lilia came out at 2:12 p.m. Christmas day, she started crying and then all of a sudden she stopped. When she came out she started crying so fast that some of the amniotic fluid went into her mouth, and she swallowed a lot of it! She started turning blue and I think 7 nurses came in all surrounding her and taking the fluid out of her. It was pretty intense and scary, but I don't think we really understood it at the time. I just kept taking pictures. So, they took her up to the Neonatal ICU and watched her there for about and hour, hour and a half. We found out she was 5 pounds 14 1/4 ounces and 18 3/4 inches long. She is so tiny, but perfect and complete. Ever since then it has been bonding time with everyone! She has already starting to show off and showing some expressions. She loves having her arms straight up and stretching. She is such a good baby so far. She hardly cries, and yet it is still kind of hard to claim as a cry - it's so quiet. She is so tiny that the shirt the hospital gave her fell off of her shoulder and her arm came out of the sleeve. Anyways, she is a huge blessing, and my whole family is so happy that she's healthy, sweet, and SO cute! Well, I better get more rest so I can spend more time with her tomorrow!qœTD\Fa"vor*ite\, n. [OF. favorit favored, F. favori, fem. favorite, p. p. of OF. favorir, cf. It. favorito, frm. favorita, fr. favorire to favor. See Favor.] 1. A person or thing regarded with peculiar favor; one treated with partiality; one preferred above others; especially, one unduly loved, trusted, and enriched with favors by a person of high rank or authority. Thank you Ben for the link on your blog. So, is it really bad to have favorites? Hmmm. . . I have a lot of favorites, and really, the more I start to get to know a particular 'youth', they become one of my favorites. It's really not that hard. Yet, I do have favorites of my favorites. (sshhhh) Yet, each of us are God's favorites. We can each say He favors us with partiality (it's called mercy). So my philisophical argument is: God has favorites. We are God's favorite. Other's are God's favorite. Therefore, We can have favorites because they are God's favorites too. We are each the apple of His, He keeps us in the palm of His hand, He knows the number of hairs on our head, He loves us. He really loves us.qT[My (daughter), pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. Proverbs 4:20-27 NIV Sometimes I think it would be really nice for God to say, "Hey, pay attention Hannah to what I am saying." I would probably obey Him a little more, I would definitely have less questions on what His will would be. Yet, it might seem a little harsh if He did it too often. It's just for those faith building moments . . . . when you have to take a risk. . . . and really trust that you heard His voice. . . . and that it's time to be obedient. Yet, this is why I need to keep my eyes looking straight ahead, gazing them at the Lord. I don't want to stumble or fall. So, sometimes I'll take the easy road, sometimes I'll take the hard road, but hopefully it's the road that I will be able to look to Jesus for His help, strength, perserverance, and endurance to help me through it all.qžTFAt times I have wondered: am I dedicated more to the toddlers than the youth? I have realized that I talk about the toddlers with the youth and I hope they don't think I love the younger kids more than I love all of them. But then I realized, it's not like I can talk to the toddlers about the youth. They wouldn't be able to follow or understand the concepts of the different ways in which the youth bless me. I have realized that I enjoy both ministries so much and that they both bless me immensely. I enjoy seeing the toddlers grow into their little persons and personalities and the different things they learn about God. I love hearing 5 or 6 kids pray over the snack. I loved when they remembered that Jonah went to Ninevah (that's a hard word to say). I love when they all participate and listen to my 15 - 20 minute story / lesson. As for the youth, I love seeing them worship, and I love seeing the way that some of the S.A.L.T. youth really do step up - like Jake Roessler when it comes to Darian, Zach, and so many others, and Joanna with all she does with her letters and planning of events, and Liz, Lindsey, and Kristen with the way they are so dedicated and always willing to step up and serve, and Jake Mullins with how diligent is is to clean the church, no matter if he feels like it, and James with his heart of worship.qŸTˆI have realized how much I love my Alpha group. It's awesome to see some of the girls open up. Each week, there are a few things that are constant: Kristen - prayer requests for her Mormon friends and for a puppy. Sarah G. - prayer requests for her friends (there's always a spiritual battle) Danielle - always ready to read God's word, usually the first to pray of the youth Emily - always has a laugh attack, and then makes Kristen join in. There are some gifts that I have seen in them and that became obvious to me last week when we were talking about the Holy Spirit: Emily - intercessory prayer Kristen - children Sarah - compassion Danielle - definitely has one, but can't think of it right now (might edit later) Some of the other ways that the "sparatic" girls have blessed me: Melissa - all of her questions of truly wanting to understand the Bible; her concern for the lost in other religions Kelly - her curiousity and spunk Megan - her love for people and animals (Lord please be with Megan's and keep Kelly's ferrets from running away) Lord, thank You for my Alpha group and the girls you had Ben place in it. I ask you Lord to continue to be with me and Kerri as we lead and show us the things You would desire for us to teach and discuss with the girls. I ask You Lord to open us all up to share our trials and failures as well as the way you use us and help us overcome. I love You Lord.q TåDamian and Darian - they are cool kids. I needed help to bring in groceries yesterday. They were talking to their friends, but I let them know that I needed their help. Without finishing their conversation, they stopped and came outside and then brought all of the eggs in. They have also helped me out in the toddler room. It's great when the different ministries you are in can mix together like that. They serve - and I love that they help with Super Church and it's kept on the down low. I have also served with both Kristen and Lindsey in the toddler room as well. They both have the gift of children - if that makes sense. They totally bless me. I love being able to see the kids serve - and wholeheartedly! Last night at the Renaissance, there was only 3 kids. At snack, I asked them if anyone wanted to pray. Addi said she did, then Kyndahl volunteered, and then her older sister, Bailie, said she wanted to pray too. So, they all prayed. It was awesome because the two sisters prayed for all of the children in Phoenix Children's Hospital and everyone that's sore. That's awesome! I think I am going to pick an organization like that to start praying for. Hmmm. . . why did Jesus tell us we need to have the faith of a child?q”TŽLately, I have been thinking that I have been experiencing some spiritual warfare. Most of the time when I am experiencing it, I don't even recognize that I am in it until it is over. Yet, it has been so strong that I have been recognizing that I am experiencing it, and it just didn't seem to ever stop. I think that it's finally over. The past month and a half or two months have been really hard. I have been noticing my trials, praying about them, asking for God to help me fight these spiritual battles, and in the end - I think that they are conquered. Only through God are all things possible. Thank You Lord, You are truly a very good GOD!q¢TM Last night, I went to Central Christian's college group. I had many preconceived thoughts about what it was going to be like from conversations with different people. I was expecting a really big room, maybe filled with a lot of expensive furniture, decorated nicely (but hip), and filled with a bunch of young Christians that just hop from one another like it's a dating show. (Yes, this is really what I expected) Then, I show up. It's in a small room, there are maybe 50 chairs set up, and I felt like the young one, where most people appeared to be 30-40. Mostly everyone seemed pretty mature and were actually nice. Why do I listen to other's opinions? Why would they influence me to not to go to something where I am able to be in fellowship with believers? I just don't really know. However, I still felt awkward at first. Yet, it was just like everything I have been used to. It fits right in with the Vineyard and Calvary setting that I am used to. Afterwards, we went to the Coffee Plantation. I haven't really been comfortable yet. I had been judging the place like I wasn't there experiencing it, but as if I was an outsider looking in. Then I see Mandy there at the coffee shop. Even though I have been with Jessica all night, I finally feel comfortable. Seeing her there was just a simple boost of familiarity and somehow made my shyness go away. Once I got over my preconceived thoughts and feelings, I was able to talk to some people - with realness. They were really nice. I was able to have fellowship with them. I think it's awesome that believers are simply that - believers in Christ. We can all come from different backgrounds and churches, yet we have gone though similar trials, similar experiences, and we worship the same GOD to help us through it all. It is HE who is so faithful. It is HE who will be faithful to us even when we are unfaithful or faithless, because HE cannot deny HIMSELF. Even though it ended out being a blessing last night, when I got to church this morning, I became so happy. There are so many people that I love at my church - so many people that just make me smile or laugh at the sight of them. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be apart of a fellowship like this. I also love God for how He really works all of our lives together for the good of the church - both the universal and local.q£T"The Passion of the Christ Praise You Lord that You are able to be seen in our secular world. Praise You that You always reveal Yourself to this darkened world. Praise You that You save all people, from the beggars to the stars. Praise You Lord that You died so that ALL may live and share life in You. This movie was very good. It was pretty accurate, and I think that they did an amazing way of interpreting the scriptures and putting them into a film. There were some parts that were hard to watch, yet it is no where near as gory as it should have been. Jesus was scourged 39 times (3 separate times) - that's a total of 108 scourges at that one time (?). It was illegal to scourge someone 40 times, so they would always punish people 40 - 1. Yet, Jesus was not recognizable as a human. He was the perfect sacrifice - the slaughtered lamb, that the ravenous wolves came and feed upon. Yet, this is the only way our sins could ever be forgiven. I must say it was very hard for me to watch some of the scenes in that movie, yet they don't even really compare to the reality of it. You had it so much worse Jesus. This was the last 12 hours of Christ's life, yet we watched it in two. I don't know how You did it Lord. You truly are an Amazing God. Thank You Lord for all that You did just because there would be no forgiveness of sins without the shedding of blood. Praise You Lord for Your goodness, Your mercy, and Your grace ! Isaiah 53:11b - 12 By His knowledge My righteous Servant shall justify many, for He shall bear their iniquities. Therefore I will divide Him a portion with the great, and He shall divide the spoil with the strong, because He poured out His soul unto death, and He was numbered with the transgressors, and he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.q¤TŅWho is harder on us? God or ourselves? At work, I don't think that there is a single Christian around me - well maybe one or two - the two new guys that started about a month ago. Yet, it is so amazing to hear the words that come out of the mouths of my other teammates. To call God a she and for someone to say they are not worried about heaven but they just want to make their customer's happy. . . other people celebrate how long they haven't gone to church. . . there are two mormon's on my team. . . . and others just love their sinful lives, they might not be happy, but they sure do love all of their sins. Once I began to see how lost everyone around me is, I wanted to try to make more of an effort to be available for God to use me there. If by some way I could be a light to the people around me, I want it to be done. I want to shine. Yet, there are so many times that I get stressed out. . . . especially lately. I felt like I was yelling at people on the phone (HP, Qlogic). I would also say things about other people that are so not edifying. Yet, Friday one of the people I work with told me that she could tell when I get stressed out by the way that I sit. She also told me that she has never heard me be mean to anyone. Yes I have. . . to her even. How could she forget the way that I was rude to her just the week before. How could she overlook all of the times I would demand service from a manufacturer or another reseller? Maybe I'm not yelling, but I'm just being assertive. Whatever, they are pretty much the same to me. Yet, was she telling me in her own subtle way that I may still be used as a light. . . can people really overlook my flaws and still see Jesus in me? I know Jesus forgives me for my sins, but I still feel like a failure as a light. . . Yet, maybe God was trying to show me that I can still be used. . . that He can go past all of my weaknesses and still use me in my job. Praise You Lord for that. I know that my job has been used by God to teach me a few things. When I first started working with special needs children, I did not want to do it because I didn't have the patience for it. Then God told me, "And I can't give you patience?". Not that I am the most patient person in the world, but I must say that God has followed through with His word. When it comes to kids, I can be pretty patient - it doesn't matter the rate at which they develop. They are kids, and I can understand why they do some of the things they do that can try us. Yet, with adults, I have a lot less patience. I think because I expect more out of them. One day, I think after I got off the phone with Austin from Bubbles Car Wash, (I hope he's not a blogger). . .God told me, "I have given you patience with kids, now you need to trust Me to give you patience with adults." Is there a better place for that then customer service? I think not. The past week has been evident that God has been working that in me. . . I have been a lot less stressed out and nicer to people. Another funny thing is ever since I have bought things on my own, I have never been one to return anything. I don't know why, maybe because I felt bad about returning it or maybe I thought the people would get mad at me for it. . . Kind of funny that I work in the returns department and allow people to return things everyday. It was when I was shopping for my new bedroom that I started to realize what God was doing. I had bought a sheet set at Walmart and some pillowcases. It wasn't until I was making my bed when I realized that the sheet set came with pillow cases. I didn't need any extra, and so I should return the extra pillowcases, right? I didn't even have to think about it, I just did it. I returned them. Then, it was after I left with my money that I realized that God is doing yet another work in me. He has given me more confidence and shown me that He can use all aspects of my job to help me grow spiritually. He can also use me with the people around me. It's amazing how God works!q„TFew people actually know about how spiritually unhealthy it was for me to be living with my parents. At times, I began to take on my parents bad characteristics. I took on my mom's insecurities and my dad's temper. It's not a good combination - trust me! Then I had an offer to move in with the Cloud's. I had been wanting that for quite some time, people had told me in the past that it would be a great place for me to live. Yet, I would never want to burden anyone or for them to feel obligated to help me out. I also didn't want for it to look like I was making a big deal out of nothing about my parents. It's just kind of hard to explain. They have never encouraged me to seek the Lord. In fact, when I was younger and I would come home from church camp - I was always so hungry for the Word. If I went in my room and read my Bible, my dad would get mad at me. He missed me after me being gone for a week, and he felt that I could always read my Bible later. It was always more important to spend time with him than for me to read the Bible or do a study. Sometimes he would say, why don't you read in here or study in here. Other times, I think he felt convicted and he would say, you should probably do that in the other room. It was always a stressful situation, and no matter what I did - I always failed them. Now I live with the Clouds. Even though I don't see them much - it makes me so happy to go home at night. It is so much for healthy spiritually. Just to see how they all relate with each other is awesome. Last Saturday, everybody was home. It was so cute to see how Jennah was playing with Mandy, and Noah was playing with Ben. Then, Noah was playing with Mandy, and Jennah was playing with Ben. They continued switching parents and playing with each other. Both kids and parents were getting individualized attention from the other. Then, they all played together a game of Crazy 8's. It was such a blessing to be able to observe that. I love living there, and I must say I never thought that I could be blessed this much. I don't think that I could ask for a better living situation for me. They are truly an awesome, incredible family.q¦TļThank you Lord for You are good, Your mercy endures forever. Praise you for everything You did in the youth, for using us leaders, and for blessing us beyond comprehension this weekend. Your children are beautiful, and You are a very creative God. Be with us this week, and continue all of the works you are doing within the youth. Continue to raise them up into leaders and call us to a high standard that we may be able to be examples to them. Thank You for You are a very good God! :)q§T½Sometimes it is good just to notice creation - to look around at the amazingness of God's creatures. For a few weeks, I was seeing birds everywhere. They were always doing something that just absolutely amazed me. One time they were all in a tree that had no leaves on its branches. I thought it was just a normal tree that was covered with leaves. Then, as I got closer, I realized that the tree was just completely filled with birds. Another time I saw the birds playing a game. There was a few of them, and lets say they were in order 1, 2, and 3. Then bird one would fly and then the order would be 2, 3, 1. Then bird two would fly and the order would then be 3, 1, 2. It was so funny because they just kept flying and taking turns like they were playing a game with each other. They also seem to have their own friends and family. I saw a few trees all in a row. Two of the trees pretty much had the same amount of birds in them. Then one would fly to the other tree. A few seconds later, more would fly to the other tree. Eventually, almost all of the birds were in the one tree. .. at least until my traffic light turned green. Birds are seriously so facinating to watch, as boring as a "bird watcher" would sound. Yet, it's neat to see that other creatures can have personalities too. Just remember, God say he takes care of even the sparrow and they always have their food. Yet, they were always the birds that were looked upon as evil.qØTlcom?mu?ni?ca?tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (k-myn-kshn) n. 1.The act of communicating; transmission. 2.The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior. Interpersonal rapport. The whole e-mail, blogging, text messenging, instant-messenger, and chat room scene. . . . Is this a superficial or real form of communication? By definition, it is a form of communication. . .Yet, there are all the normal things that are usually obvious that we miss because of this form of communication: body language, tone, expression, and the such. Is it possible that we may get along with someone perfectly fine or even really well in an on-line setting but we might be at each other's throats if we met them in person? Is it possible that you can't truly get to know someone without seeing their expressions and the such or even know their smell? There is a definite positive side of it all . . . Sometimes it is easier to witness to someone you have never seen. . . It also gives you time to think and respond with prayer. .. I also get to see the different depths of my friends that I don't always get to see otherwise. . . Sometimes it is easier to type something than to say it outloud. There are some things that we all know from each other by just our first impression of them. . . without a face to face encounter, that whole step is missed and it leaves us with preconceived ideas and notions about the other person. Is this fair? Can they be correct? I really just don't know how I feel on this matter. I really wish I had comments, because I really want to know what people think. . .q©T¦Sometimes I am amazed at God's goodness. . . Sometimes I forget to even notice His overwhelming goodness. . . I wonder why. . . Is it the busyness around me or even within? Is it the different things that I put as a priority in my life? Although I love all the things that make me busy. . . . it is definitely good to be able to rest at times. LORD. . . . . Help me not miss the beauty of Your creation. Help me not miss the small things in people's lives. Help me not miss the things You have called me to do. Help me not miss the promises You have given. Help me not miss the simeple things of love that You do. Help me not miss the gifts that You have given. Help me not miss the beauty You have put in each person. Help me not miss the rest that You give. Help me not miss the peace You try to give - and I don't receive. Help me not miss the strength You give to meet my needs. Help me not miss Your greatness, beauty, mercy, grace. . . . I need Your grace. I desire Your mercy. I love Your character. I hope in Your promises. I long for Your love. I hunger for Your word. I need Your strength. I desire You. I love Your goodness. I hope in Your beauty. I long for Your guidance. I hunger for Your Spirit. Thank You my God and my Lord, the all in all in my life. Thank You for what You give to me every second of every day. For this I thank You and I love You. Your are more precious than words can ever try to explain. . . . . .qŖT9Sometimes I don't know if I can handle the things around me. I see the hurt that these people are going through and have gone through and I ache. My chest hurts and feels bruised, my heart is beating faster and I am in physical pain for what I have seen people at work go through. Michael has had a horrible life and if I had went through all of that. . . I wonder if I could believe at all. . . . would I be an atheist if I had his life? Does God just have His hand on some of us more than He does on others? I don't know, but Lord, please heal him for all of the things he has been through. I know he says that he is okay, but I just don't know how he could be. I know he is a strong person, but please Lord, help him become vulnerable to you. Touch his heart, touch his life, comfort and heal him. Give him the hope only you can give and be with him throughout this day. I love You Lord, and I ask You to touch him today. As for Megan, she is going through so much as well Lord. Please continue to work with her and help her not being comfortable with the decision she has made in the past in regards to her current situation. Continue to help her and show her that You can be her strength and source. You can be her provider for all of her physical, emotional, and personal needs. Oh Lord, be with her in the decisions she has - please Lord, help her make the one You would desire for her. Thank you Lord for wanting to take on all of my burdens as well as the burdens of others. I lift myself up to You and ask You to continue to give me the words to say, the compassion to comfort, and the wisdom to share. Use me and take control of all these situation. Thank You for Your goodness and the amount of love that You give to me. I am so glad that I have a God that is too good to imagine. . . . Thank You Lord. I love You.q«TAbraham Sometimes there are youth that seem like their walks are stagnant. Then - there comes a slight change. Abraham has always stood by his friends and talked during worship and the lesson. Yet, Sunday, they brought friends and yet, he went up a few feet in front of them and stood by himself during worship. He focused on God and set himself apart from his comfort zone. The, during the lesson, he was by himself again, and he was intently listening to Obie as he was teaching and giving examples. I saw the posture of his spirit and the hunger in his eyes, and God was moving, teaching, and working within his life. Praise you Lord for the ways that You are molding Abraham. May You continue to work within his life and increase his hunger and thirst for You.q¬TāSometimes the Lord does more than we can imagine. Sometimes He uses us despite of ourselves, our abilities, and our weaknesses. God is so good. From time to time I wonder, am I being a light in my workplace? Do others see Jesus in me? Why do I work at Insight? Is this really where God wants me? Am I a true imitator of Christ? Then, there are days like a few weeks ago. Megan asks, "So, have you always believed in God and gone to church?" Which, when translated into Christianese is "Tell me your testimony". That was awesome. Then, there are days like last Friday. Jason and Megan are talking about how much I know the two of them and about the two of them. Jason is worried that I know too much about him. Then Megan says to him, "Hannah does not know everything about either of us. I would never tell her everything because then she would not like either one of us." To them, my opinion of them matters. Why? Yet, they know my character. They know that I do not cuss and that I would not used the Lord's name in vain. It's to the point that if she overhears me say something that sounds like it, Megan questions what I said. Thank you Lord that she knows what I desire my character to be. Then, there are days like today that still shock overwhelm me and my understanding. I still want to pinch and slap myself and know that it is real. I have befriended this guy named Michael lately. Not very many people like him, but for some reason, our personalities click - maybe because we are both open books. He saw the Passion of the Christ this past weekend, and that began our day long conversation about our belief/ lack of belief in God. Throughout the time I have spend getting to know him, I could not figure out where his beliefs lie. Today I found out. He is an atheist. He was a baptist until the age of 17 or 18 where he lost all his faith. Today we talked about Jesus being 100% God and 100% human, the trinity, and the neverending debate of creation vs evolution. He shared his heart with me, the things that effected his paradigm, and he was completely vulnerable. In our conversation, he said things like "spoken like a true Christian" "I try to learn as much as I can" "I believe Jesus Christ existed, I always have" "when I had found out what had happened, it effectively killed any faith I had left" finally "well its nice to communicate with a person that isn't as much of a religious fanatic as most. that's cool that you feel the way you do and I respect that entirely. I just wanted to say that I enjoyed this very much." Wow - you mean an atheist enjoyed talking about Christianity and God ALL day long? Lord, please continue to soften Michael's heart. Please heal him and his family through all of the emotional and spiritual scars that they have. Show him that You exist and that You desire to poor Your love into his life. Provide for him the evidence he needs to know that You Jesus are the Son of God and You are God and the Creator of this world. Lord, I also want to pray for Megan and Jason. Continue to help them through all of their problems. Continue to allow them to trust me and confide in me. Use me in any way You seem fitting. Thank You Lord for my job and the opportunities that You have given me. You are truly an amazing God and when You do the things You do, I can barely contain myself and not stand up and scream, rejoices that You are a God that moves in peoples lives. Continue to guide them in their steps and the hard predictaments that they are in. Thank You for the love that You have for them and myself. I love You for when You use me and when I feel like I am not being used. I give You glory for everything You have been doing. I praise You Lord, please help me praise You with every aspect of my life.q­T<Throughout my friendship with Megan, she has had certain preconceived thoughts about me and my beliefs. Which can be good. . . What amazes me the most is this: We were talking about our past roommates and how we love where we live know. We talked about the drama of girls and the different types of personalities and little synocracies that they have. After I told her about my first apartment and roommates, she ended the conversation with "Well, no wonder you turned to God." It just mind boggles me that she, a "heathen", can recognize that. I was totally blown away. I think that she is starting to see that God can help us and take us out of some troublesome circumstances. . . She is also going to read, The 5 Love Languages, along with her mom. They both are excited about it. They know that it's a Christian book and yet, they still want to read it. Please Lord, may You use Your WORD that is in that book to change them, enlighten them, and give them hunger for You. I ask You Lord to draw them to You and to speak to them. Please Lord, give them the gift of faith.q®T‘Tonight Set Apart came and played for the youth. It was so stinkin' awesome to see two great bands come together and worship the Lord like that. They brought new kids to church that we might not have been able to reach otherwise. It's incredible the way music can really move people and speak to them. Everyone in this band totally has a heart for the Lord and it's great to be able to witness how God uses other people. Lord, I just ask you Lord to bless this new band, bless the previous members of both Bloodbaught and Dunamis and use them mightily for Your kingdom. May You continue to guide them in every aspect of their lives and with the band.qÆUq°TˆLast night at youth was awesome. Sometimes I wonder how many kids we actually make an impact on, individually. Then Juanca came up to me and told me that he missed me, because I have been gone for so long. (I only missed one Wednesday and one Sunday). He is so silly. It makes me wonder though, how much time do I actually spend with the little guy? I should maybe spend a little more. . . Yet, worship at the end of the night was incredible. First, it was an awesome blessing to see Vanessa be strong and worship with her heart "on stage". Then, there was this kid right in front of the stage in the dead center. . .I don't remember his name, I think he may be friends with Jared Shipman. . .but he was worshipping his heart out throughout the songs, raising his hands, lifting his head, and it was just incredible. I want a picture of him worshipping, because it was so incredibly beautiful. Then there's little Juanca, who was worshipping and then crying out to the Lord, desperate for Him, and just worshipping with his entire being. Crystal Cornejo, wow, - I have never seen her focus on the Lord like she did last night. She completely surrendered herself in front of her friends that always talk and distract others. It was a little piece of God reaching out to her and then her responding. Then there was Joanna and her new friends, Christine and Justine, and they were all worhipping the Lord joyously - I love when new people feel comfortable to just worship. It's so encouraging. These were just all the kids I saw worshipping, in front of the couches. . . Praise You Lord for the work You are doing in the youth and for the heart of worship that You are giving them. Please Lord continue to do Your work. I will hold on to Your promise in Philippians 1:6 "I will continue to complete the work in you until the day of Lord Jesus". (I think that's right) Please Lord, complete it in all of us. :)q±UnI need to try this again. One to see if the comic will show now, and two to see if I have comments. Hmm. . .q²UourlLink Check out this comic that Jessica found for me. It goes perfect with my past two hosts. urlLinkq³T]Relationships based upon real/ superficial communication 1.There are some people that I only talk to mostly in person or on the phone. 2.There are others that I have only e-mailed and spoke to on the phone a few times. 3.Yet, there are other people that I used to hang out with all the time, but now due to new circumstances in life, it seems like we catch up via e-mail. Someone has told me that they think if you mostly e-mail someone and have never seen them in person, than this would be considered a superficial relationship. When I asked if I talk to someone 70% of the time via e-mail and the other 30 % either on the phone or in person, that person continued to say that that would be a superficial relationship. Yet, that same person is the 3rd type mentioned above. We used to only hang out and talk on the phone, but now our communication is based via e-mail. So according to that person's logic, our relationship has moved from real to superficial, right? Yet, there are some people that I know more about and have more of an honest relationship with, due to e-mail and our communication that way. Yet, after a while, it gets drawn out and it doesn't last. Is it just like every other relationship where it goes in spurts of varying amounts of communication? I really don't know. I do know that no matter if the relationship is superficial or real, according to each person's standards, God is able to use us. We are able to be a light into that person's life and able to make a difference. We can still show God's love and still be able to care about people. Ben's comment off of my last blog makes a lot of sense (even though it's poetic). A person's skin doesn't make the difference or make the relationship/ communication more or less real. It doesn't change who we truly are and what we're all about. What does matter is that no matter what type of communication we're using, the most important thing is honesty. It is then that a true relationship is formed and can be trusted to be true. People can always lie as to who they are, and that is when the relationship/ communcation becomes superficial.q“TClassic quotes from kids during VBS.... Addi Hoover (5)- "My favorite part of VBS is when the teachers love on me." Eric Thomas (4)- "Jesus is going to be so mad at you." (as another child put a leigh around his neck and was pulling on it) Axton - (4 1/2)"People usually think I'm two until they hear me start talking." another quote from Axton - "One way in which Jesus saves us is like when Peter was walking on the water and then began to sink. Jesus then picked him up and helped him. That's one way in which Jesus saves us", Then I said, "Axton, can you please repeat that because some of the other kids were talking and they couldn't hear you." He replied with, "They heard me. Why? What's the point." Classic moments..... Gabby - She just finished repeating the sinner's prayer...Right after she said Amen, she picked her nose. I know that Noah and Jennah did some totally cute things too...As with Addi and others...Feel free to post other classic moments or quotes from our week of fun on Lava Lava Island....qµTPlease pray for my friend Jason. Today makes the 1 year anniversary of when his brother committed suicide. Neither he or his family are Christians, and so they are not leaning on God for their hope and comfort. He did not come into work today and so I am not aware of how he is doing. Thank you. Lord, I just want to lift up Jason to You right now. I ask You to comfort Jason, his parents, his sister-in-law, and his nephew. May You comfort them that they may be able to feel Your presence. May You give them Your strength and sufficiency that they may be able to handle this situation and the remebrance. May You pour down Your love onto them that they may feel no void. Lord, may You also soften their hearts that they may be able to know that You are real. May You give them the gift of faith that will cause them to come to salvation. Thank You Lord for Your goodness, Your grace and Your mercy, and I ask You Lord to pour onto this family Your grace, mercy, love, strength, comfort, and healing. Thank you Jesus, I love You so much.q¶T-To my earthly dad on Father's day.... As a baby, you nurtured me; As a child, you raised me; As a teen, you loved me; As an adult, you guide me. Thank you for being my father and my friend. To my HEAVENLY FATHER on FATHER'S DAY.... before my existance, YOU THOUGHT OF ME. before my entering of this world, YOU CREATED me WONDERFULLY AND PERFECTLY. as a baby, YOU COMFORTED me AND LOVED me UNCONDITIONALLY. as a child, YOU DISCIPLINED, TAUGHT, AND RAISED me. as a teen, YOU FORGAVE me, BELIEVED IN me, SAUGHT AFTER me, AND CHASED me WITH YOUR LOVE AND YOUR HOPE IN WHAT i may one day become. as a college student, YOU SHOWED me YOUR GRACE AND MERCY AND my need for You and emptiness without YOU. as an adult, YOU CONTINUE TO TEACH, GUIDE, BLESS, LOVE, CHANGE, MOLD, AND CREATE me INTO WHAT YOU DESIRE. YOU SHOW me YOUR GRACE, MERCY, AND PATIENCE. Thank You my true Father and Lord for being my Father, Friend, Husband, Lord, and King. I will love You forever and try to praise You always, no matter what situation or trial comes my way. I praise You Lord. Amen.q·T!I have had a chance to spend some time with my little couisins lately, and they are just way too cute! Kylie is turning 7 on the 4th of July and she just had her 'friends' birthday party yesterday. Since she had a rock star party, she made up her own song. She sung it to me Friday night, and let me just say watch out female pop stars, because here she comes! :) I Want to Be... by Kylie Bowman I want to be a girl I want to be a grown-up I want to go to the mall with my friends I want to be on American Idol I want to be a singer Oh Yeah! Then, today Sydney (4) and Colten (5) were putting a puzzle together. Sydney wanted to be the one that connected the pieces. Even though Colten is the one that found the piece, he handed it to Sydney and let her put it in the puzzle. I told him how nice he was being and how impressed I was that he was being so good. Then, he replied with, "Yeah, I'm being really nice and good. That way, I can get another cookie." How can people not want to be around kids all the time? They are just so dang cute!qøTįIsaiah 40:3-5 3 A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. 4 Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." These are some of my favorite verses (and they are in my least favorite part of the book of Isaiah). I personally really like the first 20 chapters and the last 20 chapters more than the middle ones. . .Anywho, these verses are good to think about for a couple of reasons: 1. They are good to think about with trials. God is able to make our way out of every trial a smooth path. He can make every hurdle in our lives seem easy, and He can change every part of the situation and circumstances. 2. God is able to do this when witnessing. Sometimes we can think that some people are unreachable. I have thought this about people at work, but yet, I have had a chance to share little things with each of the "untouchable" people. God can change their hearts and make way for little tidbits of light and His word and love to reach His people. 3. God can do everything. He can do the impossible. We are His creation, just like the mountains, hills, rocks... He can do amazing things with them and He can do amazing things with us. Praise You Lord for You are good and worthy of ALL of our praise.q¹T™Disclaimer: If you are aware of one of my other blogs and I have not personally told you that you can look at that blog, please don't. This is the one that I like to share with everyone and the others are more for accountability with girls and for myself... There is nothing against anyone, I love you all regardless, but I would just prefer if only a select few people look at my other blogs. Thanks! :)qŗU^I love you Jesus for all the things You have done in my life and all the things You are doing.q»TzSo, today while perusing urlLink Slashdot , I came upon an interesting article discussing how urlLink cellular phone convergence devices are a black hole, eating away at profits of other electronic gadgets . I don't know where these people are getting their info, but nobody's giving away these things with their cell plans. If you want a full-on converged device (Treo, iPAQ, etc), you're looking at spending a few hundred dollars. A few hundred dollars which, I might add, go mostly to the company that designed the phone. A perfect reason to buy stuff on the bleeding edge, instead of waiting for market saturation. Because, boys and girls, once these things saturate the market and become the "free" phones, there'll be even neater gadgets that still have to be purchased. In other news, folks trying to decide whether to purchase a urlLink Treo 600 or a T-Mobile Sidekick now have a decent guide to aid in their decision. Personally, I had already made my decision, and I love my Treo. However, to folks who don't understand my love, it's a very well-done presentation made from a person as opposed to a commercial marketing standpoint.q¼T So, here it is. I have a blog. Impressed yet? I knew you would be. Hi, um, I'm spazure. I have a PalmOne Treo 600 GSM phone and figured I'd create a blog to share my experiences with it, mostly because I'm sure others with the same phone might benefit from my trial (and sometimes error) of various features and programs. Just to get an idea of the point of view, a little about me: I'm 23 years old, and married. Don't confuse me with your typical housewife, though. I'm a poor college student. My husband is a soldier in the U.S. Army :-) I have friends all over the country, and I travel.... a lot. Hm. That's about it for now, I guess. My first post is going to be a list of stuff currently on my Treo, as well as short little reviews on each piece of SW. Be looking out for it. :-) -Spaziq½TŃSo, the wonderful folks over at urlLink MusicMatch have recently released a new version, 9.0. No, I didn't learn this by going to their website, I learned it by running the installer I downloaded last year when I purchased MusicMatch 8, and realized it wasn't the actual setup file. No, the file you download from their website isn't the install file for ANY version of MusicMatch. It's an installer (that explains the fast download). When you run the installer, it connects to MusicMatch's server and fetches the most current version of MusicMatch that's compatible with your system and the language you specify, installing it from their server. That's the problem. The actual setup executable is never on your hard drive. It wasn't always like this, I know I had the real setup files for MusicMatch 7. But not 8, and not 9. So, if you want to download MusicMatch and install it on a machine that's not connected to the internet, or maybe you just want to downgrade to a different version, or a different language, all is not lost. Apparently, MusicMatch keeps older versions of MusicMatch on urlLink a publicly accessible web server . This isn't a page designed to ever be seen by customers, so it's not particularly intuitive, and I wouldn't suggest complaining to them about the user interface. Basically, the setup file naming convention is like this: mmsetup_#.##.####_XXX.exe To find the version/language you need, look to the first # in the series. That's the version number. All the rest are revision numbers. You'll probably want the most recent revision, as it's got all the bug fixes, but whatever, it's up to you. The last three letters are the language. I don't know them all, but here's a short list of the ones I *do* know: ENU - English ESP - Spanish FRA - French KOR - Korean DEU - German CHS - Chinese I'm also not sure about the releases marked "DELL" or "Apple". I have a Dell PC. I'll look into that. As for the apple, well, no clue. I own no apple machines, but from what I recall of the last one I did have, they don't run windows executables well. Note: These are all just the shareware versions. If you have purchased a version of MusicMatch, you'll still need to enter your product key to unlock the Pro features.q¾TMstuff is so changing like always..you just get used to something and then it changes with life death moving breaking up everything just everything. i feel sad in a way but thats what life is, just changes. well anyway i dont really have much to say. everyone pray for everyone. thats about it. we all have our own grief and problems.qæT›wow im writing twice in 2 days...thats like amazing :) today i woke up at 9 and got ready for work and then i worked 10-5 at the cleaners w/ andy and it was sooo long but a little fun and not so hot b/c GUESS WHAT?? it was cooler today! on my way to work my car said it was 75 degrees. thats like amazing. last night mel alli and i went to macaroni grill and it was SO GOOD and always when i go there i eat the bread and my salad and then when my pasta comes out all i can eat is like 3 bites...literally...so i take it home for later! i should just learn to say no to the salad but mmmm i just cant! so yeah im heating up my pasta righhht as we speak to eat it for supper tonight so that totally excuses that damn place being os expensive...it covers 2 meals! anyway im getting side tracked...after eating we went on an adventure w/ jail mates and then we went to joes house for his party and stayed there for a bit. it was fun so yeah....gooooo ddr as if we havent had enough of it already lol. wow cool stuff right haha. but yeah joes was really fun then i came home etc. then today i worked and then i went and worked out and now im just chilling for now...so later kids xoxoqĄT heyyy :) whats up? it is friday at 12 oclock in the afternoon and i just got off of work at the gym and then i picked up mickie dees! its so good! i havent had it in so long so its yummy. i have to work again from 3-7 and then im not sure what im doing :) it is SO pretty outside today! like really im thinking its the prettiest day since i moved here. its nice not hot just really nice and sunny so yay! lets see what have i been up to! nothing at all! just enjoying the last few days of summer. the other day i went to my friends house and laid out at his pool and even though it was only for an hour it was just SOOO relaxing! sunday mel alli me and katie might all go shopping at like lenox and town centre so that would be fun! i get paid today at one of my jobs even though it probably wont be much b/c it is from the time period that i was on vacation in hiltonhead! im wearing my livestrong bracelet right now, everyone should get one b/c they are only a dollar and they give money for lance armstrong's cancer and research for it. over 6 million have been sold! and theyre kinda cute and fun to wear :) . i got my hair cut yesterday :) its kinda a little shorter but its still past my shoulders so its all good! it needed to be cut! todya at the gym i had the CUTEST little boy ever and he just moved here from orange county california. isnt that crazy. i would give almost anything to live out there! but oh well i suppose for now peach town will do :) today on my way to work i was on the highway and its 2 lanes and a fire truck w/ its lights on was behind me and didnt know what to do so i switched lanes. are you supposed to completely pull over? i wasnt sure b/c isnt it bad to stop on a highway? hmm im still not sure hopefully i did it right...tomorrow i have to work 10-5...ahhh! thats so long! okay well im going to go do nothing now for 3 hours until work! i love you all! melanie---i still need you to be my bloggie doctor missy!! adryan---im not depressed, really im not. im just very VERY moody most of the time... brandon---its cool that yall went out...whatd yall do? anyway im glad you didnt call me at 5 am b/c i had to get up at 7 for work but i'd put my phone on vibrate so i suppose it would have been ok! you know how i am when im asleep...lol. k bye everyone...and...Smile b/c i love youqĮT'things are about to change dramatically eh... im not going to mention the unmentionable of next week the worst is over and we can breathe again mel---im totally completely sorry but can you fix my bloggie w/ all my links again? i really did try to do it on my own and i have NO idea what im doing. i love you! i wish i was at the beach :( ive been very moody lately. very. and not exactly lately, unless you consider several months, lately. yesterday was my half birthday. anyone remember. off to the gym. leave me some.qĀTok my couple of days off from work are about to end soon. I felt I was getting some things accomplished on line this week. I still have to fix the mistakes at the other diary page. No, no I won't drop the name here. I found some more graphic resources this week that was a plus. I must admit you can go only so far with the kind of graphics I am doing. Which leads me to my next project making the graphics myself. In my frustration I tend to do things my own way. It takes me a while but I eventually do it. God I need more hard drive space! I need a new computer! Don't know when my next day off is? Got to go, wishing wet dreams for everybody :PqĆTJ before I do research on my bloggy idea, I want make a reality check list. Listed below is what has been either broken or going wrong with me. This has all happened in the past week. Things all break at the same time. I hate it. Is it all over yet? Will more things break or go wrong? static electricity: I get shocked all the time. At home and at work. It is starting to be painful. My cats even avoid me I have shocked their little noses one too many time. Poor Murphy and Lilly, I am sorry. I do what I can but my heating system is not well equiped. My kids say it is me. I don't think so. And if Jay keeps telling me that I need to drink more water he is going to get a water on him. I drink alot of water already. dryersheets: Humm now this product is supposed to reduce the static in our clothes. I got a killer shock from the laundry and bought these thingies. Well it only helped a bit. I am still getting shocked. I swear someone is trying to kill me. washer hose: Well this thing had a nice bubble on it. Thanks to Jay he noticed it and brought it to my attention so I didn't have water everywhere before I did the next load of laundry. And the sweet guy that he is he fixed it for me today. Yeah Yeah Yeah the guy I threatened with the water. Water is good. Water is clean. He will adjust. (he knows I am kidding) I also found out where all the socks go when I do the wash. Behind the washer! Hey bloginfinger go check behind the washer for socks. hahaha thermostat: This thing just stopped and it is in the middle of winter. I had company coming over the next day. We were so cold that night. I knew how to do it and I wanted to do it myself but the timing was bad ( long story). I do have proof that I can install one though. I am not that hopeless. Yes Jay helped me installing this also. He really is good. :) heating filter: Since the heater is working with such efficiency I thought new filters might help us breathe better. My heater was working poorly and I think still needs a tune up or something. But before the repairs the downstairs was so cold all the time and upstairs was very hot. It has evened out now. This amazes me. I have no idea why but it does. Humor me I am a lost soul sometimes. phone plate: This sucker has been broken for two years now. The phone was disconnecting in the middle of conversations. And recently it was hanging from a wire out of the wall. hahaha ( bad homeowner) I got this done finally! I was almost down to one phone in the house. A bad thing for me. hehehe oh and my favorite rogaine: I might have to try this stuff but I am not ready for it yet. My sister keeps telling me " I really cannot believe how thin your hair is getting. You look like Aunt Lucille." Aunt Lucille was almost bald before she died. This is not a compliment and my sister is 11 years older than me. My sister has a full thick head of hair. Don't ya love sisters who point things out like this. Well at least it wasn't my mom who would not only point it out but announce it in front of others. Oh my I had to say that, damn it might come true then. I should shut up.qÄU”urlLink lord urlLink blogfinger Ok I am posting the above of my two friends that blog like I do. I am getting another bloggy idea. hummm brbqÅT$ Its been a long time since I have felt the need to post on here. I have recently decided to pull away from alot of my on line activities. I am doing some serious introspective thoughts on the work I love to do. I have never felt I am the best and the brightest at web design or computer graphics, but I can do things that have made other people happy with my results. I help them for what they need on line. It get great pleasure out of helping others. I am proud of what I have done even when I walk away and think I can do better. I still did it and the challenge is good for me. I learn constantly which ingnites a fire in me. Not many things in my life have this effect on me. So this thing that I do I am keeping to myself. I am not letting anyone take this little happiness away from me like they have done in the past. I am pulled in so many different directions to do for others and I do them without hesitation. That is why I sometimes have slow results when finishing a job but it gets done. This thing that I do is apart of me now. Just like my kids and I we are stuck together like glue. The little vermin that they are hahahaha! As my little one would put it "love you for forever mom!" "Same for me sweetie!" :) Now for the day time job I go to well I am working 5 days a week. I love this job it is not perfect but the best job I have had in years. The employees are nice and bosses are nice. They work around my hours. THE PAY IS SUCKY! No way around it... it just sucks the big ol wiggola. I was offered a management position but the company reduced the perks of the job. The most important perks in my opinion. For starters money was reduced cause the job is now classified as perminant part - time. What a nice little loop hole to not pay an employee. This also means no insurance benefits. OHhhh isn't that sweet and caring of them. Yep, I declined the position. I like my flexability so I am able to be home with my children. Now today was fun at work. We got a truck of new product in for the summer season. This stuff we all have fun with. The the two managers and I always vote on what will be a good seller. Cute stuff came in. Very summery. But this one thing that came in was called a banana holder? I am gonna pay $19.99 for something to hold my bananas? Whatever happened to a fruit bowl on the table? Now I understand I should not be confusing this with a banana hammock. A totally different entity all together. To be honest I think the concept would be better for the fruit also. Now the banana holder is hook made of steel and wood and the hammock is made of cotton. I would think the hammock is more practical don't you? You gotta keep them safe so they don't go soft or bruise. I really think this banana hammock idea is better for a bunch of bananas on my table than that steel hook holder thingy anyday. Now the original banana hammock that holds the other kind of fruit well lets admit it thats the best fruit there is. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. :) I am gonna try to put up Alton Browns website on this blog. I think he is a trip and I like his show. If you visit his website I posted, go to his rants and raves page and see his post dated March ohh something or other I forget. OHHH damn!! I am old expect this from time to time. Well...he has some Martha Stewart comments that had me rollin on the floor.qĘU„roll over the title 'Nothing Accomplished Today' has the link on what I did today. Wow I need to do more than that. I know I can do a better job than that. Just meqĒTB I wanted to get back into the swing of things on my day off. It is a monday and I am home alone to get some of my online and graphic work done. No such luck. I put a link up at the top here to see if what I made will show up this way. I put it in the code of this template but you should see a little red x. I am still trying to fix that. I have had creative block for about two weeks now and I get very frustrated. I have about three projects going at once and soon the kids will be off from school and home all day. No time for me to get my work done. But my block was broken when I decided to create this siggie for this blog. So the good news is I got past my block but I cannot show it. Oh well, I will rectify this soon. Another thing my hair is all cut off. Yep about 5 inches of it. It has been years since I have had short hair. I said yes cause it was getting so thin. It looks and feels great now. Long hair doesn't always make you look younger. It has to feel good to make you feel younger. Last week was my youngest sons concert with the band at his school. Now I try not to miss this every year this is so fun to go to. The music department they have at his school is excellent. All of the teachers are fantastic. All of the children were wonderful. It was a packed auditorium. We don't care about the heat it is our children up there. *big smiles* I will describe the closing singing act for the night. It was the entire 5th grade class and they did a medley of the Beach Boys. He had them do quick costume changes like beach hats and big sunglasses. They just don't sing he makes them act it out. Which is so delightful it leaves a perminant smile on your face. When they got to "In my room" they did another costume change putting on thier robes and hugging stuffed animals. It was a hoot. The best entertainment I have seen all year. Great job kids! My son plays trumpet and has improved greatly this year. I wonder if it is just me cause I am the proud mom but no his teacher told me too. He wants to see him back in band with his trumpet next year. He also wants to tutor him this summer to keep it up. My son was so happy to hear this he begged me "can I please mom?". My son also got accepted into a singing group this summer he tried to get into last summer. My youngest is 10 and loves music. A great place to put his energy. I really feel the singing class this summer will help with some of his shyness. I also turned on my girlfriend to this bloggy idea and she has since signed up. Her and I call each other sis cause we feel like family. I will post her link. Warm SmilesqČT‚Again I am rushed for time. I have about 5 minutes before I leave for work. You know how many times in the last week I have opened this blog planning on writing only to close it. This is my situation. My computer sits in an open room in the front living room. I wish I had a private room for an office with a door and a lock on it. The kids buzz around me like little gnats annoying me. Then this holiday weekend family just drops over so no way will I get anything done. I like to write while I am doing laundry or if I am doing a quick dinner. I also have kids who have school work. Their computer doesn't have a printer on it. Mine is crappy anyway. I will buy a new one soon but they will get my crappy one on their computer. hahaha LOL It serves a purpose for their school work. I have not hooked up the internet for them and I don't think I will for a long time. I basically control this computer cause I have cable hook up which means instant internet. I keep a close eye on them now. Especially the 12 year old who thinks he is 25. Ohhh that boy is in for a rude awakening. hahaha I am still dreading when they are off for the summer. My computer time that is. I have to do graphics and I need concentration. And some of the nudity I deal with I have to do that at night when they are asleep. I have my drive partioned and password protected. I am also starting to store my stuff on line in a place that is private. Ok now I have to go and I don't want to go to work today. I need a rest from this holiday weekend. *waves like a nut to my friends* I probably spelled something wrong but I am in a rush. *shrugs* 'THE STORY OF MY LIFE'qÉTToday I have one of my days off from work and home alone. I decided to get serious about me and my future. For all who reads this please understand... that my future always includes my children. But I have to make me healty inside and out. I know I can do this with my children living with me through it all. I honestly feel that if I am healthy then my children will be. I tend to make these lists for myself to accomplish some of my goals and maybe one or two things on that list gets done. Currently, some of those things on that list need some real attention and I keep getting scary signs that I cannot ignore anymore. I am not happy with the way I am living my life or my health. The fence that I am on is getting to be a real bitch to balance anymore. It is a false sense of balance. I do not reccomend this for anyone to live by. But in order for me to change and get off the fence I have to start with one step at a time. It's gonna be slow but I will do it. First lets tackle my health. I woke up and sat down infront of my computer and I saw this thing I left as a reminder for myself to do. It is a reminder from my health insurance to have a mammogram done. I am 41 and have not had this done yet. I know how wrong this is but I am scared. I hear other women say how painful it is and I freeze. The thing that changed my mind today is a coversation I had with one of my customers this weekend. She is a cancer survivor and her cancer was found early from her mammogram. She told me..."I put mine off too even though I knew cancer was in my family, I wised up just in enough time to have a new life that I am thankful for every day." Life is definately more important than being scared. So I made my appointment today for next week. (the earliest appointment I could get) This is one step closer of feeling proud of me today. The next step. Why am I blowing off things like this that are so important to my life. I do know the answer to this one. DEPRESSION! PRESSURE! STRESS! I need to dig deep inside me and pull out what is stopping me from moving forward with my life. For example not getting my resume done. Oh I typed one a million times but I destroy them. I see myself on paper and automatically put myself down. 'Whos gonna hire me. Too many holes in my employment.' I have asked for help from some family and friends with my resume but they can only help so much. I am the one who has to do it not them. I cry alot more than I admit to anyone. I hide alot of feelings. Only a few people in my life know how I really feel. Only one of them lives close to me. My personal life with relationships is horrible for me right now. I really cannot talk about it on here. So the step I made towards this today is I called a psychological center today to find a good therapist. I am waiting for a phone call back to make an appointment. I need to be fixed. I need help. I give up! This is too much for me to handle alone. Third step. Temporary things help me cope like purging. I have been cleaning out this house throwing so many things out that should have been thrown out a long time ago. I have a rule if it hasn't been useful, played with, doesn't fit, is broken,or is ugly it goes out the door. I find we accumulate alot of junk. I have to give some credit to some of those TV shows that are cleaning out houses. They have inspired me to clean out and get organized. It feels good to actually find a room that you can enjoy when all the junk has been thrown out. Very cathartic! So today I would say is a three step proud day for me.qŹT.Well for starters I did go for my mammogram and got my results back. They didn't find anything. That is a big relief. Now my thoughts on the process well... it really wasn't that bad. The pain was minimal. The place was a newly built specialized women's center and they treated you nicely. I think they know how tense we are when we get there. They did a lot to make you feel so comfortable. The technician I had was very sweet and professional. She did comment on the cut I had on my arm from work. Her comment was "how did you get that it looks like it hurts?" Well at my work I do some heavy physical work and use a box cutter. I never get cut with this thing it is usually the boxes that cut me. It hurts a lot and deep too. Actually this cut was not as bad as the other ones I have had. She told me it is probably because my skin is so fair the cut looks so pink. Well that is me I am whiter than white bread. I don't tan anymore. I either burn or get freckles. I work too much to get to the beach in the summer as often as I would like. I love the shore. I could be on the beach everyday and never get bored. That reminds me I need to buy new kites this year. The boys and I love flying them. So if I buy them then it will force me to make some day trips down the shore. The convenience of having the beach only an hour away is great. One of my goals in life is to have a place to live down there and stay all year round. Ahh, just to relax and hear the ocean everyday would be great. My appointment with my new therapist is in about two weeks. I am really looking forward to it. If I am purging the house I need to purge me too. I need to get out of my rut and move on with life. I have pushed myself to do more siggies. I am finding my own way anymore. I start a tutorial and end up doing my own thing anyway. I am also branching out getting other kids of ideas to make for banners and backgrounds. The new stuff I am learning with brush techniques is fascinating me. I have learned how to make my own custom brushes out of anything. My imagination is endless. I have even been thinking of a new banner to do for a friends website. I am going to use original material too like great nature shots I have from his digital camera. Well, actually he has challenged me to do it. He has no idea what he started in my brain with this one. LOL I just got some great filters to make stuff look like realistic glass and metal textures. So I am having a party in my head right now. :P I have been going back and forth between both programs PSP and Photoshop. PSP has been more versatile for me. I just had to do maintence on a webpage I did earlier this year. I am happy when the client is happy. The hard part for me is the pricing. I do it as I go along. I can have flat fees for things but when someone wants maintenance that gets into gray area. If they want a new face lift for the site then well that is more than maintenance. The client doesn't know how much goes into it. It is so hard to explain to them. Also when the client messes with the page too well you have to keep some opinions to yourself. You have to disconnect from it and let the emotions go from all the work you put into it. OHhh here is the urlLink web page . I just redid the sound clips and other things. I have a couple of siggies to do tonight. I also think I will post some of my current work on my personal web space and link it in here. I have to go there and transfer files yadda yadda yadda. Next I will do a blog about my part-time, retail circus lovin, dependable paying, job. hahaha Keep it wet people. *big kisses*qĖT‹Its close to impossible. Not just becuase most IB kids are doing homework from the time they get home till they have to wake up between four and five in the morning, but because the selection is so low. Its really quite sad, especially for Kemps Landing Alumni. You see, there are one hundered PIB freshman. Of those one hundered students, roughly twenty to thirty are male. Out of those, about eleven or twelve are not Kemps Landing Alumni. Out of those, one has a girlfriend, several are most likely gay, and the rest, well, hardly suitable. Well, why not date those other male students? The answer is quite simple. At least for me and my friends, its not so much that they aren't dating worthy, but its just either they are really good friends or theyve taken on brotherly qualities. Well, why not date out of the regular student population? Most of our classes are with other IB students, therefore, only a couple classes are taken with regular students, and its hard to get to know them. Not to mention, we appreciate intelligent conversation.. Im wondering how long Im going to have to endure being single. And wow, this post sounds reallly awful of me.qĢT¬Since IB students are worked extra hard, generally get less sleep, and have to wake up extra early to catch a bus for a school that is on the other side of the city, it would make sense that for the SOLs, they would provide a split bus schedule for inzone kids, but not out of zone IB kids. Let me explain, during the weeks of SOLs, you dont technically have to go to school until 9:55 if you don't have a test. Thus, there are two bus runs for in zone kids, one for those who are taking a test, and one for those who aren't. IB kids aren't so lucky. Its either, get a ride, or come into school and sit in a study hall for two hours. I guess there is really nothing to complain about, but a couple of extra hours of sleep would be nice. I'm still going to be catching the bus at a quarter past six though. The only good thing about having a forty minute bus ride is that it is a perfect opportunity for you to b.s. your block one homework.qĶT¶I suppose that if anyone at all is reading this and is familliar with the International Baccalaureshit program they might be wondering how in the world I can be a freshman in IB. Typically, the IB programs spans a students junior and senior years in highschool to prepare them for college. Pre IB, then, is to prepare students for the actual IB academy program. Essentially, its like putting an innocent person in the stocks and hitting them with half-eaten apples before actually carrying out their sentence, whatever it may be. It strikes me as interesting that they need a program to prepare for a prepetory program. What's ever more interesting is the 'Early Years' program that my city is establishing in one of the middle schools; a middle school program that is for, ironically enough, the prepartion of young student for the IB program. And yet, as the standards of IB are being raised with every passing state test, as all schools in fact, are raising their standards, the average student is becoming more lazy, less educated, and in many cases, essentially illiterate. So much, in fact, that the Virginia Standards of Learning Tests (SOLs) are under hot debate. The question? Shoule we get rid of them, becuase they are too hard for the average student. It's incrediblly hard, and I'm not trying to sound like an eliteist or whatever else they've been calling IB students these days, for an IB kid to comprehend how in the world the SOLs can be too difficult. We fail to realize that while we worry about paswsing advanced, most kids worry about whether or not they're going to pass at all. I suppose its even harder for me to understand this seeing as I went to the one and only middle school magnet program for many, many miles (by that I mean like magnet schools are hardly anywhere). And because I had that 'gifted education' the Pre IB program is extremely easy for me and basically filled with a bunch of nonsense busy work. I'm anticipating a fairly easy introduction to the IB program, and most people who graduate with an IB diploma find that college is a whole lot easier than their actual high school IB classes. I guess then, that all the preperation is good, but for us students, its like living in hell.qĪTMTrue to the IB way, Im going to be a slacker with this blog. Usually, I make everything all pretty and lovely and whatnot, but why bother? I already have a webpage, another blog, and a xanga, which I keep quite nice, so why make my IB blog good looking at all. It doesn't deserve it. IB is for slackers who are good at bull shitting.qĻT(I figured I needed a place to rant and rave about how absolutely sickenig the International Baccalaureate Program is, and how absolutely unacceptable it is that I finally learned how to spell all that. My name is Rae and I am currently a freshman at a Virginia IB school. These are my complaints.qŠT8Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you are I know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved And she will be loved And she will be loved [in the backround] Please don't try so hard to say goobye Please don't try so hard to say goobye Yeah [softly] I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Try so hard to say goobyeqŃXˆTell me where iā€™m Supposed to begin An unhappy life working Some kind of dead end job For everything you thought you had Has gone from worse to bad Lean to the side Whisper it quiet The end is in sight to working All night around the clock For everything you thought you had Has gone from worse to bad But itā€™s not my kind of scene oh yeah Footprints on the other side Remind me where Iā€™ve been oh yeah Iā€™ll watch from the other side Tell me where iā€™m Supposed to begin Move out of sight and onto Some life Iā€™m dreaming of For everything you thought you had Has gone from worse to bad So Iā€™ll just wait and watch the wheels While youā€™re turning back But itā€™s not my kind of scene oh yeah Footprints on the other side Remind me where Iā€™ve been oh yeah Iā€™ll watch from the other side Pulls me over and it drags me under Pulls me over and it drags me under Alright now alright nowqŅT I can't remember when it was good moments of happiness in bloom maybe I just misunderstood all of the love we left behind watching our flash backs intertwine memories I will never find inspite of whatever you become forget that reckless thing turned on I think our lives have just begun I think our lives have just begun and I'll feel my world crumbling down feel my life crumbling now feel my soul crumbling away falling away falling away with you staying awake to chase a dream tasting the air you're breathing in I hope I won't forgot a thing I wish to hold you close and pray watching our fantasies decay nothing will ever stay the same and all of the love we threw away and all of the hopes we've cherished fade making the same mistakes again making the same mistakes again and I'll feel my world crumbling down feel my life crumbling now feel my soul crumbling away and falling away falling away with you all of the love we left behind watching our flash backs intertwine memories I will never find memories I will never findqÓT’there's a part in me you'll never know the only thing I'll never show hopelessly I'll love you endlessly hopelessly I'll give you everything but I won't give you up I won't let you down and I won't leave you falling If the moment ever comes It's plain to see it's trying to speak cherished dreams forever asleep hopelessly I'll love you endlessly hopelessly I'll give you everything but I won't give you up I won't let you down and I won't leave you falling if the moment ever comes hopelessly I'll love you endlessly hopelessly I'll give you everything but I won't give you up I won't let you down and I won't leave you falling but the moment never comesqŌT Upsie Daisy, Downsie Daisy Sometimes life's good. Sometimes life's bad. And sometimes I feel queasy, because I really can't tell if things are going up or down -- I know it's definitely motile, even if it's just resonating back and forth. I recently came upon urlLink Tinka's blog , and found myself. It felt like looking through a mirror! How exact are her words, in describing how I'm feeling? All her uncertainties, frustration, her endurance and her yield of control -- I don't know what it is, but her blog seems to say all the things that I am afraid to admit in my own blog. It's kind of spooky, actually -- it felt like some sort of alter-ego voice telling me that I need to be more honest with myself. I'm feeling a bit low these days, obviously because of the gargantuan amount of work that I do. Had it been something more meaningful, like something to give me experience in my future career, or like saving the world, I would not be this stressed and unhappy. There. I said it. I'm unhappy. Many things are not going right, and I've been putting up with them silently. I've been bitching and moaning on my blog for sure, but I was in denial. I am unhappy, and now I admit it. While I certainly do feel ready for a relationship, sometimes I doubt myself. I am conflicted. There's a conflict of interest. Am I wanting to get into a relationship because I truly seek my other half (or temporary space-filler, at the least) or because I'm just really really lonely and utterly lost? It's one of those things I ask myself frequently. If I were dating a man (hypothetically speaking -- long term), and he proposed, what would I say? My biggest fear would be that I would say yes. Normally, that would be a cause for celebration, but underneath the very bottom layer of my heart, I would be questioning myself. Am I marrying this man, because I truly love him, or am I marrying to get myself out of this horrid situation (a.k.a. "go fuck yourself USCIS!")? Perhaps that is the reason for my growing ill-sentiment for marriage. It is one of my greatest fears, to be lying to myself. But sometimes, it's not as simple as thinking things over a night of sleep. How can I admit that I am only seeking a relationship because of sheer, utter loneliness, when I really don't know? How would I know if I am truly ready for such human bonding? I always want to bust out of this "it pays the bills" job and do the things I really want to do -- I was meant to do. But I don't know what it is! It's the most difficult thing. For a good 10 years, all I ever wanted to do was become a doctor. Become an MD, and work in third-world countries. Fight AIDS. When I get too feeble and old to work under harsh conditions, I will come back and teach, to install the same passion for humanitarianism to the younger generations. For 10 years, that was what I wanted to do! But a second passes by. 60 of those are a minute, and then 60 of those are an hour, and 24 of those are a day, and years passed by. Now I am turning 24 (again with the age thing!), frightened out of my mind! I am getting older each year, without becoming any wiser. The clock is ticking, and I still don't know where I'm going. This whole "going to medical school" business was as good as set in stone for me. I could not imagine myself doing anything else. It was my "calling." I was so happy to have found my "calling" because I know so many people who wander aimlessly, just doing what feels "ok" -- not even what feels "right" -- and wasting their precious time on this planet -- people, we get, at the most, about a century, and that's if we're lucky. It would be nice if we could live until we were 600 years old like Moses, but apparently, that's not too commonplace these days! Also, it seems that nothing is "set in stone" unless it literally is. My dreams of medical school flopped. Now I have drifted away from the sciences and math. If I ever get my bachelor's degree, I would be in my late 20's. Would I ever make it to medical school? I am not so sure -- I have lost faith in my greymatter. I can no longer recite page after page from memory for the sheer joy of shocking my classmates. Heck, I can barely stay awake through a paragraph. And I also have more fun reading for English classes, rather than biology texts. So now that my life-long planning has flopped, where to, and how? Would I be as passionately motivated? So many quesitons, so little answers. I used to be one smart kid. Now I'm an astonishingly average, mediocre young adult, and pretty soon, I'll be old and the twinkle in my eyes will have dulled to a mirky brown color, reflecting the muddiness of my capabilities as a human being. How can I have a relationship when I'm so uncertain? I don't know whether I'm coming or going. How can I break loose from the hells of a cell phone store, when I really have no clue if there's something better out there? Speaking of outrageous fears... I know I'm digressing again, but somehow, I feel like this is the time to write it out. Every child has fears. Most have fears of the boogey man, vampires, monsters. Fortunately, no monsters hid under my bed to devour me the moment my parents went to bed and the lights were off. I feared no monster, no ghost, no werewolves. I feared murderers who escaped from prison. I feared psychopathic child-molesters. I feared rapists, at an age when I did not know what rape was. When I grow up, and make a whole lotta money, I need to go plop down on a psychiatrist's couch and start my much-needed, years of therapy. I won't go into details, but at that tender, sweet age (ok, so I don't remember the exact age) of seven or so, I was wronged. I don't know what the word would be to describe it. It wasn't rape. Sexual assault? Can you sexually assault a 7-year-old who doesn't know what sex is? If a man grabbed your child-self and threatened with a sharp blade in the middle of the night, and you don't remember it for the next 6 years, did it still happen? Sometimes I ask myself if I am imagining things, because sometimes I do. I imagine bad things, to see if they seem real enough -- it's my personal gage to measure whether or not a certain bad misfortune could happen to me. Like becoming paralyzed in a car crash. I try to imagine that happening to me, but I can't make it feel real. So in some mystical, internal way, I tell myself that it won't happen to me. I try to imagine myself leaving the US, never to return. No matter how hard I try, I can't make that image become alive. So I tell myself, if I can't even imagine it, it won't happen. But can I see myself with a man, not even a man, a boy, just twice my age of seven, to do things to me that I can't even write, let alone say? Too often, I see myself in the same predicament, and the story plays out exactly the same, every time. Oh yes, the pain. The years of suffering. Not really. I'm a tough cookie, as urlLink Christopher says. I don't want to become the next basket case woman who cried wolf. Even I read magazine articles of women, who had been date-raped and what-not, and roll my eyes, and say to myself, "not another one." Rape doesn't make you special. Getting touched in your special place by Michael Jackson doesn't make you special. I don't want to be Hellen Keller. I don't my biography to say, "despite all her misfortunes... blah blah blah." I'll tell you what my biggest misfortune is. It is this curse. That I have to write. As I child, I read a story about a girl who bought a pair of red shoes although she was warned not to. She puts on the red shoes and dances forever and ever, through thorny vines and all, and finally has to have her feet amputated and replaced by wooden pegs or something. I'm hazy on the details, but you get the picture. I'm the girl who has to write and write and write and write, to no avail. On the surface it seems therapeutic, but the more I get into it, the more of my ugly self I see, and the devastation is just too gory for me to bear. Yes. I'm a nutcase. I bask in the juices of my misery, smothered in the gross tar pit of my own despair.qÕT T H U M P. . . THUMP. . THUMP. . thump, thththththththththth... The beating of my heart at a speed of 200-beats-per-minute woke me -- it thumped so hard that there was pain. When my eyes adjusted to the brightness around me, I knew I was free, at least temporarily. When will it stop? These nightmares -- the brutal killings, sinister villains, and my own impotent measures for escape -- come more frequently than ever. Even as a child I was never one to cry awake in the middle of the night from a bad dream. In fact, I was such a sound sleeper, I barely even remembered some dreams, and those that I remembered were just gae-ggoom , a dog-dream, which means a dream that has no meaning. Now an adult, I wake up because my own piercing shrills awaken me from what shouldn't be called slumber. The dilated blood vessels form red cracks in the whites of my eyes, and I am always left panting for air. The moon floods the room with an iridescent light, and it is the witching hour. There is momentary silence, a vacuum, if you will, until reality creeps in and I can adjust to it, and hear the chirping of crickets outdoor, and the neighbor's cat making love calls. Early this morning I had such a dream -- one that also left me out of breath from fright and one that made my eyelids slap open, like one of those blinds that roll up in cartoons when a little string is tugged. I saw the red LED numbers on my alarm clock -- 08:00. It was a dream. But was it a dream? When you try to explain a dream, the harder you try to make sense of it, the more confusing it becomes. I can only say that mine was of terrorism. Men in head-to-toe orange came in, ravaged women and beat the men, killing them in the most brutal fashion -- no, not kill -- as death would have been too merciful. In my dream people lay with their eyes wide open, forced to watch the continuation of atrocities as they happen -- no solace would be granted. I scream, but no sound is made -- I am in a vacuum. I am in a vacuum because there are two conflicting positions -- if I scream, the terrorists would surely hurt me too -- if I don't scream... how can I not, when a man's skull was cracked open before my own eyes? Cruel eyes -- why must you see? I want to shut them -- I want to be rid of this, but my lids won't come down, they just won't close -- I have to see. I want to persuade, I want to yell out "stop" but my tongue is frozen solid, and so are my legs, firmly planted where I stood, in the middle of madness, midst of a frenzy that was an overload for my sensory nerves. Too much to handle, and I'll break down. I must do something, but I am paralyzed. They say that dreams reflect you, at an unconscious level -- maybe about someone you love, or happily eating mountains of carbs, or perhaps your fears. It is only after the nightmare starts to fade that it becomes clear -- I am leading a life of paralysis. I need to move, but I can't, because I am afraid to move, but I still need to move, and I still can't, and I am still afraid. A vicious circle. Paralyzed with fear. The most cruel thing to do to yourself -- and yes, it is something I inflict on myself -- I am a victim of my own doings. The nightmares come more frequently these nights. I pull up the blankets, upto my nose, with trembling hands, preparing for another battle within.qÖTtLos Angeles. What can I say about the city of corruption, of filth, of savages? Los Angeles has a reputation, a myth, a legend of sorts -- it is the land of endlessly sunny days, tall palm trees wading in the cool Pacific breeze. People wear sunglasses and smile. The perfect brochure to lure fools searching for gold. Truth is, LA will swallow you whole, and you too, will join and be one with the sordid conditions of the city. There are Republicans, and even more Democrats, and even more powerless victims. Quarrels ensue in the name of a government for the the people and by the people, but in the end, everyone knows, the scapegoats are plain to see. The deserving poor, the ones not speaking the language, the ones with different colored skin, the ones who don't have houses on the beach. Cut public education. Cut the arts and music. Kill the animals at the shelter, ASAP. Don't give them a chance to be found! The blaming game continues. Who mishandled what budget and what movie star governor is definitely not terminating his staff, and in fact, increasing their pay. Fingers are pointed, but nothing gets accomplished. A seemingly civilized witch hunt for everything. Outwardly civil, inwardly evil. You'd think of bronzed gods and buxom beauties, strutting down the streets in a lux saunter, flashing pearly white teeth, waving as though they were on a pageant. Instead, the truth is that toothless and homeless dwell, covered in insane amounts of dirt and dust, overlooked unless they scare you with the flashing of the whites of their eyes. Restaurants proudly display a letter grade of "A" on their windows, a grade lower and even baser than the scarlet letter, because it is bought not earned. Back alleys are crowded with roach colonies, some big as mice. You can hear them run when you turn on the lights, their hairy legs brushing against the darkness, stealthily.q×T¤Ok, so this is my new blog. Hmmm. I think this looks better over here don't you? Yes, that's nicer. Ok then. I'd like you to go and visit my website which resides at: urlLink Bunni's Place It's not quite finished, because my significant other hasn't finished providing me with his significant content for his part of the site. But the rest is done, or at least done enough that it might be considered enjoyable rather than annoying. Then again some people are annoyed by almost everything enjoyable. One can't make everyone happy. I decided that a Blog might be a nice addition as I need a place to whine without having to upload a new whiners page to my site. Not that I will always whine here, but since I have the opportunity, I suppose I could. I could also leave the page absolutely blank, and make people wonder what I was up to. Well maybe just my paranoid visitors. Most people probably wouldn't care. There's that word probably. Chances are, you will not see that word typed on a page of mine often. Since my earliest bbs days I have cut that word down to prolly, and it's become part of my speech. I avoid saying LOL during a conversation however. I actually do laugh out loud. Well enough of this banter, because there's prolly gonna be more to follow. I'd love to know how you like the website, and I'd be pleased to share comments and criticism right here in an open forum if you'd like. Thanks for reading! bunniqŲT)Oh my! I haven't been back to post at all! Have you been visiting my website? It's prolly going to be moving soon as Atlantic Broadband has bought out Charter Communications. Charter was my previous ISP. I'm reworking the site, and making it pretty before it's time to upload it to Atlantic. I've been busy knitting, crocheting, supporting my Fiance in all his endeavors, looking out for myself, keeping my children well-behaved and productive members of society, and feeding the cat now and then. I'll try to be better at posting! Hugs, CarolqŁTI've been messing around with PSP8 again. I'm creating some new things, and I'll post links soon enough. My kids are gone for the week, and I hardly know what to do with myself. It's very rare that I'm left alone to my own devices. That's about it for today.qŚTŒgood times last night. our group attended karaoke. I planned on signing 'bad timing' by blue rodeo but they never called my name. but gosh darn was it ever a good time. beers (and when i say beers i of course mean good ole 1892 beers) were 2 for $5, quite the steal. photos taken will no doubt be incriminating. after the pub we had a snowball fight. i was snowbanked more times than i care to remember. my whole right side is aching. tomorrow we go home. hard to believe we have been here a week already. we are just starting to get into the swing of things. just starting to build friendships and now they are going to end. as usual, such is life.qŪTÉOkay, so maybe I should be a bit more clear. I am at the Canadian University Press conference in St. John's, New Foundland. You see, I am the Managing Editor of a college newspaper and I am out here representing. Okay, let me now be even a bit more honest. I haven't been representing so much as drooling over two really hot boys. Both, of course, whom have no idea who I am or why I am. But still, good times. There is a blizzard here. For real. No planes in or out for the next two days. I have to get out of here back to my real life. I have to go to L.A. next week and my plane leaves from Vancouver, not New Foundland. I love you all, which really means just me as I have a zero readership at this point.qÜUŸI am in New Foundland. I am desperately trying to have fun and enjoy the experience. Desperately. It is taking my all but that ain't much. anyhow, more laterqŻTõThe absolute worst time to post is when you are intoxicated. Do you ever listen to people talk about how bad their relationships are and you think...if only I could get someone to treat me like shit. Okay, maybe that's just me. Maybe I really and truly should be medicated. I wish I could tell you everything that happened in the last week but we aren't that close yet. I honestly do hope that we reach that level because it sure is lonely keeping all this insanity to myself. Until then I guess....qŽTÆTell me July is over. This has been one long, painful month. One hiccup after the other. It's been a lonely month too. Good thing I have you now dear reader. I surely missed having such a captive audience. But you never write, you never call. Sometimes I need more from you. Sometimes I would like to hear what you think. Unless you disagree with anything I say. In that case, I think it's best you stay silent. I have to go.qßTĢSo, it's been awhile. What can I say...I've been busy. You know, school...work, blah blah blah. I have been writing letters to people and then regreting it. There is something to be said about writing a letter. You feel something, you write it down, you deliver it, and then immediately regret it. The worst part about giving someone a letter is not getting any answers back. I wrote a line I was quite proud of in the last letter I gave to someone. It went something like this: "I'm going to walk away and cross my fingers hoping that you will have a change of heart before I forget how good the idea of us could be" No response. Nothing. Those words were gold to me...to the other person, not so much. I even taped the letter to the front door of the recipient of the letter because I thought how romantic it would be if I came home and there was a like letter taped to my door. I use the word like because love...I mean what do any of us really know about love? So, today I must sleep so I can function for real at work tomorrow. But I will leave you with a quote I recently heard. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They get up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day" Until next time.qąTµSo tomorrow I am going to urlLink Whistler . I am trying really hard to be excited. I am going with a girlfriend and I wish I was going with a love interest. I am in the mood to be romantic. I am NOT in the mood to get drunk and go to a bar. Man, this sucks. I got older but for some reason some of my friends didn't. NOW, I understand how my friend used to feel. She wanted to sit in a lounge downtown, have drinks...and GASP have meaningful conversations. I just want to club, club, club. Now I am longing to sit in a lounge. I have traded in all my clubbing gear for downtown lounge chic wear. I am READY! I mean sure I still like to shake my tail feather. Sometimes get really drunk and just go to a local club but really, what I really long for...is my friend :( I sent her an "i love you and want you back" email...throw a penny in a well for me, would ya. okay, it's raining and I have a massage appointment. I'll be back tonight. KissesqįTļso I thought long and hard about this and have come to a very sad conclusion. i have not had sober sex in a very long time. 2 1/2 years to be exact. the only time I have had sex lately is when I have called up an old lover after a few (many) glasses of wine. this may say something very strange about me. either i have issues with sex or drinking. either way, i'm quite the catch. but seriously, i am pushing 30 here. when does the sexual peak kick in? i am ready to go the distance. if the distance is kissing and some light petting. one day, mark my words, when i am in love and being loved back...its going to be a sex freak show. again, if sex freak show means like, i may get on top or something. so thats whats been on my mind. what about you?qāT7So I used to watch urlLink Days of Our Lives but I stopped quite some time ago. I had a friend who watches it, so from time to time I have caught up with it but really things never really change on soap operas do they? Today I saw a commercial for Days and it showed a clip of Sami and Lucas getting married. At first I was shocked. I mean after everything they have been through....why? Then I thought for one, why do I care...and for two, and this is much worse...my life may be loosely based on a soap opera. I have it all: Many ex-lovers who make appearances when everyone is sure they must be dead by now. A baby from a relationship that just narrowly escaped marriage. Evil in-laws once removed. Friends who sleep with my current and discarded lovers. and elusive employment. Hmmm kinda sad actually.qćTäThe last day of the long weekend. I am sad to see my days of lazing around and watching movies end but I must say that when you are alone, a long weekend feels more like an eternity. I feel like I have been off work for weeks. And I am also regretting that on Friday I didn't get very much work done so tomorrow will seem like two days in one. Plus, I have three finals this week and I am not even sure what is going on in the classes. I really let myself get lazy this summer. But I have decided, that August is going to be my month. When I look back in time, as we seem to always do, I am going to say be able to say "Yes, August 2004, what a month is was." Maybe it will be filled with intrigue and good surprises. Unlikely I know, but a girl can dream. I have travel plans for each weekend in August. So the work week will be bookended by little relaxing getaways. urlLink Whistler , urlLink Kelowna , urlLink Seattle , urlLink Victoria ...It will be fantastic. Plus my horrible haircut is starting to find a style of it's own. I have also decided to quit smoking. I am on about 2 hours so far and it is working out just fine. I am definately going to quit smoking or really pick up the habit and be a full-time smoker. I am one of those social smokers that you all love to hate. Or maybe not. Now if I can somehow find a way to fit in romance and wealth, this will be a time to remember. Most definately. Song you MUST download: Lady Stardust, urlLink Lisa Miskovsky . You can thank me later.qäTso i found out that journals really suck. and i dont even know why i have one. these past couple days have been hard...im leaving vans. my last day is wednesday. i want to leave, but i dont want to leave the people i work with. and that makes me sad. i have been fighting with danny a lot latley and i dont know why..but i know its me though. he has taught me a lot since i have been with him, and i just want to thank him for putting up with me. i think i am like this in regards to me leaving for mexico. i am totally stoked to go, i have never been anywhere, besides nevada and utah and i know this is a once in a lifetime expierence. i just dont like the fact that i am in a totally different country than the person i want to be the closest to. its been about 8 months, and in those 8 months i have learned to want somebody, and definatley to need somebody. and i am sure alot of you know that when you love someone you need to just hear their voice, or feel thier touch..and if you havent then your time will come..trust me. i cant do this for a week with him. and it just hurts. so it basically just comes down to im going to miss him like crazy. i know this will test our relationship, and i know everything will be okay. i just know it. i trust him more than anyone..and i know he loves me and would never hurt me. so i dont even know what i am worried about. so enough of that. thats just what has been bothering me. i saw emily at hot dog on a stick on my way to work. she has changed so much...i waved and she waved. its just so wierd..i have so many memories with her its kind of hard not to miss them. she introduced me to the best friends that i have now, and without them i dont know what i would do. its just weird i dont know. well im gonna go shower or something.qåTzmy ear hurts, i cant sleep on it. i have to go clean it. i am home alone..i have to go shower and get danny lunch annd go give it to him at BP. went to b-dizzle and then after that danny robert alyssa and i went to some scary contruction site and we jumped into sewers( without fecal matter) and we lit off fireworks. it was so loud you could go deaf. and so then the whole tunnel started filling up with smoke and we couldnt breathe so we left. OH. and i must say this story...we are walking to try and find this spot and there are big sticks that line certain measurments sticking out of the ground that are about waist length high. danny purposly walks into and the stick gives him a nice nut tap. so to get revenge he tries to "karate kick" the next one he sees and as you know that plan backfired and it broke, but the bottom half of the stick went into is leg. and that resulted in me seeing the biggest splinter of my life. haha. we went back to dannys house and we watched the nathans hot dog eating contest on ESPN. hah. it was awesome. im gonna go shower now, go have llunch with danny and then i have to work 5 to close. RAD.qęT\ok so i just found this from aub and it excited me.. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ....... A - Age: 16 B - Bands listening to right now: starbucks commercial..GLENN, GLENN GLENN GLENN C - Career of the future: beautician or something along the lines D - Dad's Name: Steve E - Ethnic Background: English and German. F - Favorite song at the moment: FM static-Definatley Maybe. hahaha so good. G - Great escape: being with danny. H - Hometown: pleasanton, california. I - Instrument: well i dont play any. J - Job Title: vans associate and thats it. K - Kids: none thank god. L - Last person you talked to on the phone: tara at work. M - Mom's Name: barbara N - Number of Siblings: one O - Oldest Sibling: 19 P - Phobia[s] / Fear[s]: BEES, and being in the car when people are driving fast/out of controll. Q - Favorite Quote: "dont need nothin but a good time...it dont get better than this.."- poison S - Song you sang last: umm i sing too much. T - Time you wake up: 9:45 U - Unknown fact about me: i can make/eat cereal while driving on my way to work. milk and all too. hah V - Vegetable you Hate: BROCCOLI. W - Worst Habit: bitting my nails. X - X-rays you've had: um every one of my fingers, and ankles and wrist. Y - Yummy Food: mint milkshakes, choc. covered strawberries, bell peppers, Z - Zodiac Sign: SCORPIO. and damn proud of itqēT so these past 2 days have been very fun and busy. Sunday danny and i went to the fair. It was a lot of fun..we didnt go on any rides or anything because i didnt want to die. We fed camels in the petting zoo and looked at all the pools. boy did i want to jump in. Danny won me a goldfish. I named him Basil..like the spice. haha. He was cute but the bag kept leaking and i didnt feel like feeding him all the time so i left him in the parking lot. I KNOW that sounds mean, but its a 10 cent goldfish. And dont even worry , i have gotten enough shit from my family for doing that. So after that, we came back to my house and my dad barbequed and then ran through the sprinkler and danny got mad at me because i put him in a headlock and got his hairwet but it was all ok later and then i cant really remember what we did after that. Yesterday i really didnt feel to good, i got john to cover my shift yesterday. that was nice of him. i hate working at vans. i just got off today, and i need to rant on things that piss me off there. I HATE when you are greeting people and you say" hello how are you doing today?" and they just walk right by you without saying anything. And while i am there hanging up shirts i am thinking to myself" what a fucking dick hole" and then i find out that they are deaf and then i feel like a wang. So thats one thing, and THEN. This one really gets my goat. When your helping little kids and your putting shoes on one of them and then one of the siblings starts making faces at you, like sticking out there tongue and shit, and then i just think to myself, well should i really stick my tongue out at him? but then the mom might see....and blah. so i just ponder while the little kid keeps doing it and then i just say to myself"be the bigger person just be the bigger person" and then i let it go..but i am not satisfied. I hate customer service. So i put my 2 weeks in today, i am pretty stoked about that. Im gonna go to club sport now. I saw anchorman. HAHA. i love that movie. IM JUST IN A BOX OF EMOTION!! kills me. oh i got my orbital pierced. On my left ear. i know it sounds gay but it looks pretty good. it hurt alot. i dont let pain hurt me like you cant tell on the outside that it hurts but when a guy is sticking the needle in yes it fucking hurts i dont care what anyone says, your just screaming on the inside. thats what i do. haha. tammy came in and visited me today. it was good to see her, i miss her bubbly personality. i miss playing v-ball with her. she was fun. alright im gonna go now so bye.holy shit this is long.qčT½so yesterday was a long day, but a good one. Danny and i went to modesto to look at puppies that were up for adoption because my dad said that they have like over 100 dogs that they need to get rid of. So we get there and they have 5. So at that time i am like" ok dad thanks alot" but they had this real cute black lab puppy that was SO CUTE GOD DAMNIT. and so we left. We got lost for 2 hours in stockton because danny claimed to know where the freeway was but i just let him drive, i didnt say anything. haha. so we got home is the bottom line. We went to Mountain Mikes in livermore and we ate and played video games and we came back to my house. My dad was being so helpful to danny and i about where to get a puppy and telling us where to go and everything and once i say that it might now work out right now he just laughs like its a fucking joke. and that made me mad. But my mom gave me money. i guess i just have to be sad now in order to get money from my mom. we went back to dannys house and played DAAAAVE MIRA BMX and i did a barspin. he took me home, and we talked about old times, like before we went out and making moves and everything and it was just funny. i love him to death. so it is like 8:30 in the morning and me my sister and my mom are going to petsmart to look at what they have there. i might have to work at noon but lets just hope i dont. i want to go to the fair tonight. YAY. no rides though. rides suck. EXHIBITS BABY.qéTso today i have the day off, and so does danny. Already this day is nice. Last night i worked, tammy, ben and aub came and visited me!! so i was happy even though i had to go take cardboard down to the dumpster, i couldnt really talk long and i felt bad, so sorry i left in a rush. I had to mop, but it wasnt bad i was mopping like a mad man. So after i went over to dannys and amber and ashley were there. Ashley is really nice, i like her. anyways, we went to coldstone and got ice cream, and i am obsessed with having gummi bears in my ice cream and they put lots but they were STAIL. but i ate them anyways. So we went back to dannys and watched DONT GET ELIMINATED!!! this helps me a lot with my problem with asians. heheheheh. So today has come...and me and danny are going to the modesto pound to look at some puppies there. I am very impatient and i get my heart set on things and once someone says YEA LETS GET A PUPPY i get REALLY REALLY excited like jo jo the circus clown and i hold them to that, and then when they dont get a puppy im all dissapointed like a jerk off. but that is how i am. and i need to learn to stop being so gay. so im sorry. ANYWAYS. so im stoked to spend the day with him. lets pray we come home with a puppy................................=). COMMENTS PEOPLE!qźTāso i just woke up, my mom found me on the floor and told me to go climb in her bed. oh man it was comfy. Worked last night, it was fun..im kinda sad Steve is leaving. He is the only one there that has a wierd sense of humor like i do. All we do is play the same song over and over and dance. Danny came in and visited which was awesome because while i was consolidating shipments i was going to call him. He bought a hella cool shirt and some sandals and i gave him 50 percent off. =) He got me a banana-banana smoothie from surf city too, and waited for me to close. I don't care what anyone says, I have the best boyfriend ever. Danny and I came back to my house, and i tried to get money from my mom but that was to no avail. So i made me and danny some food and we watched sports blunders show on ESPN and we hung out. It was nice to just lay down, i was tired from dancing in the previous hours of the night. So it ended up us falling asleep. which is AMAZING because danny never falls asleep when he is with me. so that was nice. and then he went home and now im going to get my dads truck smoged and get breakfast and danny is coming with. but he doesnt know it yet. i work tonight too, 5 to close. so stop by if you want. BYEEEqėT™LONG TIME NO TALK! so im bored and a lot of things have changed since october. I'll just give you the obvious. I passed junior year, i got my license, got a car, a great and loving boyfriend that i have been with for 7 awesome months, i got a job working part time at Vans annnd......i have great friends. I got back from vegas with alyssa and her family not too long ago, which was totally cool despite some misunderstandings with danny. But it worked out of course like it always does and not to mention it was hot as frick there and walking like 10 steps made me want to melt. anyways, i leave for mexico with danielle on the 24th and i have to say i am stoked for that besides the fact that i have seen my boyfriend every single day since December 5th of 2003 and not seeing him for 7 days will be a challenge for me. i love him lots. so im sitting here, just did dishes because i am awesome and waiting for a call from the shop to tell me when my car is ready. my car is awesome and everyone knows it, and the front suspension is STILL on and was NEVER OFF, thank you very much. My air conditioning is broken which is not very cool whatsoever seeing as how it gets like 80 something degrees here and my car is like dark and heat consuming. so i just sweat everywhere i go and it works out fine. BUT HERES THE THING. my car isnt in the shop for the AC. fucking shitty i know. its in for the freaking power steering because my steering wheel decides to be cool and just not move sometimes. and thats a problem. So enough about that. went swimming yesterday. that was fun. and i have to shower now and go to work and then do the same thing tomorrow. AWESOME. 143 closing at Vans. bye byeqģT– 1. 6pm, Standing on 2nd Avenue btwn Starbucks and Burittoville. You've got a great haircut, a threadbare t-shirt and groceries, and you're talking to a short, chubby, neo-goth girl. I was going to get a buritto, but I follow you into Starbucks instead. I stand in line behind you and I hear you explain to your neo-goth friend that you were designing wedding invitations all day for a particularly difficult client. I suddenly get a mental flash - you lying back on a bed, hand pressed down on my head, raging hardon in my mouth - then internally chastise myself for thinking this way. You order a large iced coffee and ask Neo-Goth Friend which way she's walking. She says, "i'm taking a cab, this box I'm holding is heavy." She's obviously asking you to walk her home and help her carry that box - she's obviously smitten with you - but you're being cagey. That's my boy. Maybe you deserve a blowjob after all. 2. 6:15pm. I toss my small (tall?) coffee in the wastebasket and head up St. Marks with my Powerbook open, looking for a signal. I have to email a document but I don't feel like going home. I sit on a bench outside Yaffa Cafe and get to work. You're sitting outside by yourself, smoking a cigarette, reading a book, finishing a coffee. You and I blatantly stare at each other, our faces expressionless. I am waiting for you to give up or crack. You go inside to pay and I unbotton my sweater so's when you come out you'll be able to see my rack. You hesitate in front of the restaurant for a moment as if you're deciding which way to go. I pretend to be shielding my eyes from the sun, but really I'm veiling the fact that I'm staring right at you. Terrible jeans. Terrible. Some kind of wash of denim that should be illegal. Please, please, please - just walk away. 3. Jason Bateman. You are a professional actor and former child star. I saw you in the fiilm Dodgeball 2 nights ago. Mr. Bateman, this film is a work of cinematic genius, and, also, I think I am in love with you. This is not a conclusion that I've come to hastily. It started earlier this season on Arrested Development , your situation comedy that airs Sunday nights on FOX. You were seducing gues star Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a completely inept fashion. That hit me right here. But Dodgeball made it all too real. I don't want any talk, Jason Bateman. Just you and me, flailing around like I'm a blind lawyer. What do you think, Jason Bateman? Your place or mine?qķTXMonday, June 21, 1:41 pm. My new Favorite Breakfast Place, 1st and 10th. Are you gay, young man? I think I've seen you around the neighborhood before, and I can't tell. You're better looking than I would usually like - DETAILS Magazine good looking. Oh! But look at your ass. Thank you for getting up and asking for a glass of water. I like that matching arm cuff look. Very The O.C. . But the big silver rings have got to go. And your sunglasses. Uh-uh. Sorry, Maybe Fag, The sunglasses are a deal breaker. It was fun while it lasted, but now my heartbeat is returning to normal. See you around.qīT)Sunday, June 20, 6pm. I went into the Starbucks on 2nd and 9th because I desperately had to pee. There was a line and I was also ravenously hungry, so I bought a sandwich and sat down by the window and plugged in my computer to keep me busy as I waited for the loo. When I saw you, I decided to stay. You are sitting two tables over, wearing a blue-and-black striped sweater, jeans, really awful brown dress shoes ... and ear plugs. Oh gosh. You're so cute I want to cry. You sort of remind me of the hot-dog delivery boy from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead - and now I truly know how lucky Christina Applegate was. You look so young, 20 maybe, too young for me. And what awful, awful shoes. And uh-oh - further examination shows that you have a copy of a Syd Field screenwriting manual on the table in front of you. Maybe you're just holding it for a friend. I'll go with that explanation, Ear Plugs. I keep getting up for no reason so I can look at you from different angles. This is exceedingly stupid, as every time I do so, I am leaving my $1700 computer and my cell phone and my purse with all of my credit cards unattended. Also, I have a coffee stain on my white skirt from this morning's brunch and I havn't washed my hair in two days - I'm not in the best shape. There is no point in me trying to show off for you or get you to talk to me. I'll just sit here in the corner and stare, and blush every time you notice. Carry on, Ear Plugs. I'll just admire you from over here. Oh, fuck. You're gone. I looked up and you left and now I've lost you. Shit.qļT4...but now, finally, there's something to watch: It's truly startling how deep affected I am by boys with certain haircuts. I can't even really tell whether or not Greasy Bowl Cut is even attractive. All i know is, I picked him out from across the computer repair store, and now my jaw won't go back to it's upright locked position. He is examining the motherboard of the G5 that he is picking up from the service desk. I am woozy with lust. He's got one of those wallet-marks in the right-back-pocket of his jeans. I'm staring at it and imagining what his cock looks like. He's got a bit of a potbelly, which is not well served by his tight, light-blue, threadbare ironic t-shirt. I don't care. Oh! He's bending over. His shirt is going up and his jeans are going down. His panties have a stripey-waistband that I would like to run my finger underneath. I'm blatantly oggling him, but I don't think he can even see me. They're going to take my computer away from me in a second. If I was a boy, I'd have to find something else to put on my lap to hide my erection.qšTŚurlLink My second Malory Towers quiz is now online . I recommend playing as a member at FunTrivia, because then your scores are saved. But if you don't care about that, just have fun and play as a guest! I am leaving Trondheim (where I go to university) in five days, after handing in my papers, packing and cleaning. I hope I'll get the chance to stop by here (and my two other blogs) during the summer, but I don't know how much internet time I'll get. Have a nice week!qńTäI'm liking this new blog so much, I'm posting yet again. I think all the new Blogger functions are great, with the list of recent posts and the comments built into the template (I used to have to get my comment templates from places like urlLink Haloscan , which are good, too). But it's very practical when the comments come with the templates. I think Blogger has improved a lot. I haven't been over at urlLink Blogskins for a suitable template, either - I found one that was just right, right here at Blogger. I think the brown goes well with the Malory Tower theme, don't you? I mean, considering that the school colours at Malory are brown and orange. I probably should put in a little orange, too. I have also added a link to a Malory Towers fanlisting. It's right there, on the left-side menu, in green. I probably will add some more links in the future. I would also like to take a moment to recommend a great site called urlLink FunTrivia . You can take quizzes on all topics, including Malory Towers and other Enid Blyton books! I recently submitted a Malory quiz of my own - it's on book five, "In the Fifth at Malory Towers". You can play it yourself, just urlLink follow this link . You can either get an account or play as a guest.qņTēFor my first proper post to this blog, I'm going to show you the result from a test I took at urlLink Quizilla : Occassionally prone to fits of temper, but liked by staff and students alike. You are straightforward, honest, good-hearted Darrell. urlLink Which Malory Towers character are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla I'm pretty pleased with this result, seeing as Darrell probably is my favourite character. I know it's somewhat unoriginal, but there you go.qóUÅThis is my first post to this blog dedicated to Malory Towers. This is just to see what it will look like. I'm not too sure about the title "Cornish Sunsets", but it will work for now. More later!qōU©Hey kimmer let me know if you get this so i know how to give comments. dad has a lot of info on greece for you. did you know the apostle paul attended the first olympicsqõTöOur first "unofficial" unit study will be on the 2004 Summer Olympic Games. We will be studying every subject in regards to the olympics, Greece, gymnastics etc.. We have about two dozen books from the library on such subjects as the summer games, the Parthenon, Mary Lou Retton (winner of the gold in the 1984 summer games), Bruce Jenner (decathalon winner), Greek Mythology, Marion Jones, Olympic history. We will also be looking at the significance of the Torch, Olga Korbut (medal winner of the 1972 summer games), Nadia Comaneci (7 perfect 10's and medal winner of the 1976 summer games), we will be listening to Nadia's song, we will explore greek food and desserts and study the globe. While researching all of these subjects in our books we will incorporate spelling, vocabulary, math, science, history and crafts into the study. We have made some really fun crafts to decorate around the t.v. We made two olympic torches to go on top of the television, we have American flags hanging on the wall, we made the Olympic rings out of colored pipe cleaners and we are hanging olympic articles on the wall. We took the girls and two of their friends to a Greek cafe for lunch on Saturday and we made them eat Greek food (ok, so it was only a grilled cheese pita), Michael and I were a little braver, we tried gyros. While we were waiting for our food the girls all worked on an olympic word search puzzle that I made out of grid paper. There is a restaurant close by called "The Partenon" so we will take our Parthenon book with us when we go to eat another Greek meal. I told all the girls on Saturday while we were all having a blast that this is homeschool. We had our Tivo unit shipped to us so that we could record all the events and pause and rewind whenever we wanted to discuss something or see it again. We are going to eat Greek desserts while we watch the games. This is basically an introduction to the girls on what homeschooling is going to be like, and how our lives have changed. We are having a blast.qöT‚I am also expecting that God will be my guide. I have always prayed that if we were supposed to homeschool that God first would give me the desire and then the ability. Well, here we are. He has definitely given me the desire and a million creative ideas and I now expect that He will give me the ability to do this. When we left Florida I asked God to change me. If I had to go through this painful and emotional move then I wanted to be changed for His glory. One of the things that I have always despised within myself was the lack of discipline and diligence in my life. My heart's desire is to be stronger in both those areas. Guess what? He is changing me . The only way I will be able to successfully homeschool my daughters is to exercise more discipline (being in the Word and prayer on a more consistent basis) and diligence (sticking to what I have chosen to do). I'm sure that I will still "fly by the seat of my pants" just as I always have, but that will be the exception and not the rule to my life. I don't plan on giving up my spontaneity or spirit of fun, it will now be incorporated into our homeschool life. I can't wait to just up and announce to the girls that we are doing school in our pajamas, or guess what, we are going to do school at the pool, or who wants to blow off school today and go shopping, etc.....Please pray for me that God would direct my paths and give me discernment.q÷TUMy plan for Hannah is similar to Sarah's only in the math curriculum. Hannah will be using hands on manipulatives called "fraction layovers" and will also share the blocks with her sister. This program is designed to teach the child more critical thinking, and to give them a clear understanding of the math that they are learning and now to use it and apply it in life. I am sure she will do great. Now her other curriculum is called "Total Language Plus". This is based on the reading of a lot of literature and similarly to the math curriculum, will teach her critical thinking, make her think outside the box and come up with her own answers and ideas. Hannah's spelling, grammar, and vocabulary will also come from this language program (plus). Once again we will be doing a lot of unit studies to incorporate every area of their education. We as a family are looking forward to a lot of field trips in our RV for these unit studies (Washington D.C., Mt. Rushmore, Grand Canyon, Williamsburg, Underground RailRoad, etc.) I think Hannah is going to group spiritually and intellectually over the next year.qųT(My plan for Sarah is to really concentrate on her comprehension of phonics. I am starting her on a program called "Explode the Code". This should give her a firm foundation to build her reading skills on, hopefully boost her confidence so that she will fall in love with reading. It has been suggested that I don't force her to read books right now, just concentrate on the Code and give her a chance to develop her reading skills. I was told that this is basically called "delayed academics" and if we give our children a little time to get ready naturally then they will soar as soon as it clicks....kind of like potty training a toddler....you can't force them until they are ready. I also ordered her a math curriculum with manipulative blocks to teach her to understand the math that she is learning....not just memorize it. It looks fun. Those are my main two focus points for Sarah for at least the next four or five months. Then of course I will be using unit studies on all kinds of fun topics to incorporate the spelling, history, science, crafts etc....qłU²It's like a party in my house! Friend from out of town, my parents are here... wow. I think this is the most people that have ever been here. Anybody up for getting drunk?! :)qśUsurlLink LAF Store Support all those you love with cancer! Buy 10, keep one for yourself, and give the rest away.qūT!So Fantasia is our new American Idol. It's nice to have someone two years in a row showing the world that NC isn't full of morons! However, I do have to admit that I wish Diana would have won. I do like her sytle a bit better. My head still hurts, but at least I had a fun day today. I love my road days. I get to see tons of old friends. :) If I thought a couple years ago everything would work out this good, I would have switched jobs a loonnnnnnnnnnnngggg time ago! Now it's time to hit the sack. I have a friend coming in from out of town to say the weekend with me so I need to get some sleep. And I also need to get up early to swing by Target to pick up my copy of Return of the King. Shame on me! I didn't get it on the release day. What the hell is wrong with me? G'night :)qüT;My head is pounding still... like it has been all day. I seriously think I sleep standing on my head at night. Someone, make it go away! It's probably stress related and has a lot to do with the fact this morning I was woken up 6 different times. I finally gave up and just got out of bed. If it wasn't the rommie's kids, it was the dog, or someone calling me about something. Why can't people just shuddup for a while a leave me alone? I do like to have private time every once in a while. I'm in a terrible mood, and don't really give a shit about much of nuttin. I'm really getting sick of all the stupid drama that surrounds my job. It's always he said that she said that my brother's half cousin twice removed's uncledaddy said blah blah blah. I want to tell them all to grow up and just do their damn jobs. *eye roll* Okay, I must go to bed before I rip my head off to make it stop hurting. I have affiliates to go play with tomorrow so I must get my beauty rest to be spunky for them! Perhaps there will be more positive mumblings from me tomorrow. Good night.qżT~So I've come to realize that I am never going to update my other website simply because I don't have time to sit down and write tons and tons of code, and because I'm just lazy and don't want to write tons and tons of code. This, although cliche as hell, is much much easier. So here I am, once again, back at blogger. Perhaps you'll see some UPDATES! But don't put money on it.qžTBeen cleaning all day. Damn the man that invented dirt. Three mop water buckets turned black, and I must have swept up a full coat of hair off the dog AND cat. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. We won't talk about the kitchen! Now I'm off to enjoy some pizza and a well earned night in the bed.q’T`Ahh, I'm really getting used to this whole walking routine at night. I have wobbly jello legs at the moment. It really does make me feel better to get out and walk. Today marked my first official diet day, and I failed absolutly miserably flat upon my face. But hey, it was a bad day to start considering I started that female thing today. MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! Something has to keep me sane! :) Wish me luck on this diet adventure. I've never really been serious about it before so we'll see how it goes! Off to do some sit ups so my Princess Arwen will stop batting at my fingers while I type.rUBIntroducing Princess Arwen... Isn't she the cutest? :)rT¾After a tour kick off party for urlLink IYF Pork , a friend over for the weekend, a birthday party tonight, all while working my ass off... I'm a little on the exhausted side. The tour kick off party was great. Lots of old friends over and some new as well. We all had a good time. We all had a drunk time. :) My roomie brought me home a small furry present a couple days ago. Yes, I have a new kitten. Her name is Arwen. >^..^ *snore*rUI just don't understand.rTŻAfter a long day of going to Albemarle for my cousin's wedding shower and back, then shopping with mom, and then shopping with my roomate, I'm realllllllllly tired. But first, I'm enjoying a nice very LARGE glass of wine to better put me to sleep. :) I did get to go to urlLink Dennis Vineyards today for the first time ever. I LOVE their wine. Yum-a-licious! Go buy some if you live in the Charlotte area. I promise you won't be sorry. I recommend their Spring wine.rTNIt's been hectic for the past couple days around my house. I went to see a production of Grease at the urlLink Blumenthal in Charlotte Sunday night. I throughly enjoyed myself. Grease is one of my favorites. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, and Hairspray are already in the plans for next year's Broadway plans. Yay! Yesterday was spent washing clothes and running around with a friend of mine. Went to Lowe's to pick up some potting soil and mulch. Finally, my front flower beds will look like they should! And of course, I couldn't leave without another orchid. Damnit, orchid are addictive! We finished up at Lowe's, picked up my roomie's kids from daycare, and came back to the house just in time to for it to start pouring rain. It stormed for about 30 minutes or so and we left again to eat dinner. Glad we did, because evidently the power went out right after we left. So yea, I spent most of the night without power. Although, it is nice to be reminded how fortunate you are to have such luxeries. Reading Harry Potter by candlelight isn't so horrible now is it?rTÖI'm happy to announce that Princess Arwen is feeling much better after a couple days of antibiotics in her system, and some serious TLC from her human. She is up, running, playing, and begging for chicken again. Glad she survived this! I had my doubts. Guess this is one tough kitty! On a side note, go see urlLink The Notebook ! I don't cry often at movies, but this one is a real tear jerker! Wow. Nicolas Sparks is my hero. I will marry him one day. Also, in screwing up last night and ending up in the wrong movie (that stupid Michael Moore movie about the president) trying to see The Notebook, I saw a trailor for urlLink The Phantom of the Opera movie that will be coming out around Christmas. I'm stoked!rTxMy Arwen kitty is sick. She's been sleeping and dumpy for a couple days until I noticed she wasn't really eating or drinking. So this morning, I haul her and my exhausted self to the vet office before work. 90 bucks later, she comes home with me with an antibiotic, dewormed, and with a 105 degree temp. She is *not* a happy camper. Poor baby has had so much stuff shoved into all of her orafices today. I'm sure she is severly traumatized and will never look at me again in the same way. I have to keep on eye on her temp to make sure it doesn't spike back to 105. She's at 102 now, thank god. Still not sure what is wrong with her, but the antibiotic, worm med, and flea stuff seem to be helping her out. She is still sleeping all the time, but looks a little better than she did this morning. Everyone say a little prayer for her and hope to god it's not distemper or worse.rTÖForget Calgon, take me back to the mountains where the air is free and the temperature is 60 degrees! I enjoyed Sunday night and Monday freezing my ass off in our mountain house. It was a much needed get away where my cell phone has NO signal, and nobody has the phone number to where I am. God, how lovely. I'm returning July 1-4th, and I can't wait! I plan to sit on the porch, watch the waterfall, drink wine and read my books. Anybody know how to speed up time?rT‡It is *so* hot right now. There is nothing more miserable than it being really close to 100 degrees with 100% humidity. I have poured sweat for the past 2 days. I feel disgusting, tired, and bitchy. I really want to go lay in the bathtub with ice in the water. My internal body temperture must be about 105 degrees. I dispise summer. On the better side of Sumer, my cousin... she got married today! It was a very pretty wedding and everything seemed to go very smoothly. I was in charge of taking non-formal pictures in black and white. Let's just pray that my photography skills have heightened as of late and these pictures turn out good. I took 6 rolls of film, so odds being 50/50, at least ONE of them has to be a good picture! *crosses fingers* I'm off to finish unpacking all my crap, and start masking off the bathroom so we can get to painting. I'll post pictures at some point.r UņI managed to scoot into a free screening of urlLink this movie tonight in Pineville. I do have to say, it was rather hilarious! Go see this film. It will keep you giggling about all those high school geeks until it ends. Vote for Pedro!r TŲI'm finally back in town after spending 4 days in the mountains. Wow. What a nice trip. When can I sign up to go back? I managed to read the 3rd Harry Potter book, and Fellowship of the Ring while I was up there. I can do some serious book damage at the mountain house. Nothing better than curled up on a couch, under a blanket, with a cat in your lap, and a book in your hand. Ahhh. Our evening was spent shooting off fireworks. We got the crappy kind from the grocery store and about 100 spaklers and had a blast. We managed to score some bottle rockets from our neighbors as well. Glad I kept that empty Duplin wine bottle! I knew that sucker would come in handy! Everyone have a happy and dangerous 4th of July!r U”Nuttin happening. Bathroom is still not painted purple. Haven't taken wedding pics to get developed. Working like a dog. Please call for further information.r TģThe last couple of days have been hectic trying to get everything in the house done before my birthday party. The bathroom has been painted a beautiful shade of purple. There's places I need to go back and touch up, but that will come later. I did make a boo boo and manage to forget to paint a whole strip of wall where the wall light went above the mirror. Thankfully, I just moved a mirror bracket, and remounted the stupid thing. Worked like a charm! :) Yesterday, I took $30,000+ of inventory out to my affiliates to stock them up for rental season. After loading and unloading all that after painting my muscles were screaming. But when I got home, late I might add, it was cleaning time. I started on the kitchen and did the dishes, cleaned the cabinets and appliances, and wiped them down with clorox. I finished up the kitchen with a good sweep and mop job. Then I swept the hallway after picking up stray stuff, and mopped. Then, I got in that nasty disgusting bathroom, got on my hands and knees and proceeded to scrub the floor by hand. *shudder* Just thinking about it makes me wanna barf. Ew. I cleaned dirt and human/animal hair from every corner. Wiped down the counter, cleaned the mirror, then mopped the floor. The toilet and tub were cleaned right before I laid in the bath rub full of hot steamy water for an hour. There is nothing like a long hot bath, with candles, a mud mask, and a kitten to keep you company! So now were here. Gotta get ready for work in a few. And tomorrow is my birthday! Big party tomorrow night and you're all invited. I am going to eat lunch with my mom and a friend at Carabbas, and then going to get my drivers liscence renewed at some point. Fun fun. I'll let ya know how it goes! ;)r TšI challenge all of you to broaden your music horizions and purchase urlLink Honey Child's CD from urlLink CD Baby . I am amazed that this band is not rich and famous. It's probably one of the best local bands I have ever heard in the Charlotte area. Wow. It is rumoured that there are free downloads from their CD Taller on their website. I say, just buy it. With it's musicial diversity, there is something to please every craving. This CD is bound to live in my car CD player for many many months. Mad props to the guys and gals of Honey Child. You've earned my respect. And Steve, if you ever seen this, you are such a rock god! See you at work. ;)rT’It's cold! Someone stop the presses! This fortunate change in the weather has been MUCH appreciated. Someone is finally hearing my cries about it being just too damn hot! *does a little jig* Not much to write about. Work is getting busier and busier, and I think I feel the twinges of a cold coming on. Let's just hope it's allergies. I really don't need a cold right before I start working 50 hours weeks. Got new pics of Arwen kitty to post as soon as I yank them off my camera. Totally cute indeed!rTJenny kissed me when we met, Jumping from the chair she sat in; Time, you thief, who love to get Sweets into your list, put that in! Say I'm weary, say I'm sad, Say that health and wealth have missed me, Say I'm growing old, but add, Jenny kissed me. ~Leigh Hunt~rTą That's where I went today with my Mom, one of the best days I've had since coming back. I love the city. I love that city. So, we headed down (compliments of my driving, naturally) and after visiting my Great Grandma at her "older-people's home" (which was so nice, she's such a sweetly forgetful queen) we headed up to the heart of Toronto, via Queen St. East. Then drove by the university I want to go to next year...if I'm accepted. And around that area, checking out possible houses and stuff, since I won't be living in residence (that university has none) and I won't be living at home (commuting is NOT an option). I was so excited to see where I'll hopefully be in a year. I'm so excited to start "life"! (or mine at least) And then we went up to Spadina and Kensington area, which is one of my favourite parts of Toronto (plus the Harbourfront, memories...and Queen Street West), checking out stores/deals/whatever. We found an excellent wok for none-other-than Japanese cooking, and an excellent knife just cuz we need a new one. Then we just wandered in and out of stores on Spadina, which is incredibly close to my aunt's condo, and my cousin's, but he's in Yokohama right now. We also drove past my (different) uncle's house and cafe. My family is awesome. Anyways, we checked out some sweet textile stores, and Asian food stores. Not to mention, my favourite, a Japanese store, with everything shipped straight from there. It was crazy to walk in and see all the products, edible and not, that I'd spent the last year familiarizing myself with, it almost seems more 'normal' to me than some Canadian foods. So we bought some, POCKY, and continued on our way...which lead to a wicked art store, where I bought a cute little palette, cheap but handy. This summer I want to experiment with oils. I've already got some books from the library and we'll see how it goes. Anyone want to volunteer to model? Actually, I work better from photos anyways. I can't stop thinking about university, but I'm not even accepted...I haven't even applied, wait, not even in Grade 12...aaaah, all this excitement energy better be focused into making a sweet portfolio. And if I don't get accepted at Choice A, then I'll hopefully get accepted somewhere else. I can be a light anywhere. Righteo then, sometimes I wish I had a British accent, or Australian, like back in the day...oh well, I could always pick it up again when Australians visit my house this summer (old old friends, I'm so excited for that too!). EXCITED IS MY THEME. IN LIFE. (imoto e, sore wa watashitachi no jodan desu!) and now for the reason I titled this post what it is titled. After being in a single culture country for so long, I appreciate Toronto's (insert adjective here that I can't think of cuz all that's in my head is Japanese-tatoeba kono tango: hontou) multiculturalism. I was in a store where the Asian (Korean to omou) storekeeper was conversing with an European (I thought she was Scandinavian) customer, both talking in English, both with thick accents from wherever they were from, both understanding the other perfectly and the whole situation seeming so natural to me. We take it for granted cuz we grow up with situations like that. I really appreciate our spectrum of cultures. I am a part of it. EXCITED!rTōis the day on which I will finally see my brother! Who I haven't seen in a year, might I add. Yaaay, except he's only home for 5 days before he leaves for his summer courses. He leaves on the 6th day. I knew it last year, but it didn't seem for real till this year. My "full family" life is over. From now on (well, last year on) my brother is constantly going to be away save for holidays. And this is my last year at home, but I'm so excited to get out, no disrespect, but having life away from home is awesome. (see last year). And we're going to be all over the globe. Cuz that's how I want to be, always traveling. This is my list: Japan (mou ikkai); Europe-including England, Scotland, France, Italy, Greece, Spain, Sweden; and I want to go to Papau New Guinea, and Fiji. We'll see how many I actually get to. Oh yeah, and Korea (as in South). Lalala, today was productive. It's always the productive days that make me feel the fullest at the end of it. Tomorrow will be productive also. And on Sunday: church! Second time this year...this month... I always post at night. I wonder if I blogged in, say, the morning, if I would have a different attitude...less "night-y"? Omoshiroi! haha I can't keep a steady stream of thought, I'm going to bed. Oyasumi nasai.rUP"...we spent so much time in the same room and I never uttered a word to her..."rTŽI just watched a program on CBC called "Screw the Vote"...some random guy who went all over Canada to ask 18-34 year olds why they don't vote. The number one reason being that "our votes don't count". (Note: by saying 'our' I mean 'their' because I won't be 18 till August...unfortunately). So, they had some interesting things to say. One girl/lady from Montreal (an artsy type) said if she was American she would vote, just because she'd either really like or really hate Bush. She would have a reason to vote. The American President, regardless of your personal opinion of him, causes a reaction in most people, thus creating the desire to either support or not, vote or vote for someone else. Canada's PM isn't known for being especially charismatic or anything, just kinda a middle-of-the-road guy. If he was someone who caused reaction in people, (ex. Pierre Trudeau), he/they would have more younger people voting. to omou (I think). That is one of my opinions on this, not that I can affect anything until August, after the election. This makes me want to run for something, just to try to change the system. Maybe one day I will, after I become legal age...rTA year late. I guess you're right, Dan, in saying a year late related to what. There is no late, as long as there is no comparison, and I guess I'm actually graduating "on time" but just a different time. Sweet. If I hadn't gone to Japan I would be missing alot of experiences. Not to mention that's where I decided what I want to "pursue" after graduation. ARt. I'm so excited for life right now. Life in general. This summer will be sweet, next year doing grade 12 with sweet classes, and I'm so hyped for applying to university, and hopefully being accepted at the one I want to get into. And excited for going back to Japan, hopefully in 2 years. And excited for getting a job. Excited about being back with [Canadian] friends. My family, excited to see my brother on Monday (getting back from Scotland). Excited. But why this excitement? Why is everything so peachy keen? I will tell you. It's because I'm excited about God. He's the One who has given me so much peace about my future goals (art...). He's the One who has given my life purpose, and a purpose I'm excited about. Like a cycle. Everytime I hear a worship song, I am just excited because I know He has a purpose for me, my time here on earth. And I'm so excited to be back having good times, good conversations, with my Christian friends. Encouraging each other, questioning, praying for each other, laughing; this is what I missed in Japan. This is a real life. And I know it's just begun. watashi wa mada juunana sai desu, kore made wa hajime dake. kore kara wa tanoshimi desu yo.rTsThis was the first year I've ever picked courses and not had a conflict. I appreciate that. So, the verdict is...no commencement. Until 2005, that is. I can't take English during summer school cuz I have my G2 test on the first day of the classes, and I can't transfer Japanese credits as easily as once thought. Apparently, if you go on an exchange out of "free will" (as opposed to being "forced"?) your credits don't count for much, unless you have some sort of test score or other internationally recognized official document saying that you can speak another language. So, luckily, I wasn't counting on those credits to graduate, and it looks like I'll just have to paste my picture to the wall beside all your graduating photos, and have my real photo a year later. Oh well. But the happy news, is that I love my classes next year. I love school... Sememster I: -Drawing/Painting -Writer's Craft (online) -World History -Biology Semester II: -Weight Training -English -Visual Art -Chemistry And all I have to do is actually hand in my 40 hours and I get my diploma. And a Gifted Certificate. And then I commence. A year late.rTöI type, post and write in this blog just because i like to have somewhere to put all my thoughts (of the moment). So, it could be assumed that I type not really caring who is or who is not reading this. But that strange part is, after I find out people are reading it (like the Itariajin, - yoroshiku - and other friends of mine), I will probably post more often just because I am entertained by the idea of an audience. I am not sure if that actually is ironic, but it seemed ironic a few moments ago.rT`Wow, the more I talk to people I haven't seen in a long time, the more I'm glad to be back and around them. Wow, the more I talk to people I haven't seen in a long time, the less I'm glad to be back and around them. People have changed, though they may not have noticed, it's the abscence that highlights the differences in now and last June. I never saw a gradual process, just the 'before' and 'after'. And then there are the people who have stayed the same. And then there are the people who just make me laugh and smile so much that I can't imagine how I didn't cry myself to sleep every night in Japan.rT”that's what she said, but in english "a bird pooed on me [my head]". some people just make me laugh...charity...these are the reasons it's great to be back. not to mention seeing a strange "lion" today. why do all "lions" have manes? that seems to be a cross-continental pattern. long beach. utsunomiya. ajax. everywhere. AND, Charity was ever so helpful in brainstorming how I could graduate from high school, either this year or next. a) get Japanese credits transferred, take ENG 12 during summer school. commence. b) get Japanese credits transferred, take one semester of next year. work. c) get Japanese credits transferred, take one semester of next year. enter unversity during the winter semester. d) get Japanese credits transferred, take ENG 12 during summer school. commence. do the rest of Grade 12 next year. I think I'll do some stirring and get Japanese credits transferred, perhaps take English in summer school, and then do at least one full semester of grade 12 and then the second semester as half days only, so I can work in the afternoons (the root of that being that university equals dollars). We'll see what guidance has to say about any of this. Tomorrow.rTģWhich was amazing, to be back within my "God Family", seeing people that I know are sincere about growing closer to God and encouraging me to do so, but...there's always a but. Everything seemed exactly the same. The social cliques, the stares at 'strange' worship. While the church is a place to worship God freely and meet with other Christians, whose purpose it is to do God's Will, there is still so much humanity that it will always have faults, which is what separates us from God. However, I would really appreciate it if some of these people would grow up and see how petty their differences are. And then --> take out the log from your own eye before trying to remove the speck of dirt from someone else's I will never stop growing. (2)rU "...Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." I'm so tired of seeing people "go out", "dump", "see each other", "break up"..."waste"-ing time, perhaps.rTalmost best friends, but the farthest possibility. itsumo waratta. itsumo. and now, we never laugh because we can't. i wish time wasn't, but since it is, i deal with what it brings. what is the most taisetsu? nani ga ichiban important? kangae ni, i know it doesn't matter, time will cause me to forget, or at least disattach myself. sukoshi zutsu, mainichi mo chotto. the more experience, the more complicated. but i'd rather have something to think about than nothing to know. mada warau yo, i am still laughing; we'll meet again.rUŽkyou wa watashi no sanban me nichi, nihon kara kaeta no ato. kimochi wa? maamaa. kokoro no naka ni wa nani mo nai. mada. riam kun, kore o wakaru? i've always been partial to things balanced in thirds. flesh, spirit, soul.rTwTo make a long story short, concise and to-the-point: I will be away from Saturday, July 24th to an undecided date at the end of the summer. Maybe I'll come back for a week in August, still undecided. I am going to Camp MiniYoWe! To be a camp counsellor for my 3rd year running. I am so excited, and I get to drive the van up (it's kinda "my car"). So that's that, and I hope to see some people at the end of the summer and if not...till commencement, and best of luck in university! or wherever the next chapter goes. PS--> I turn 18 on August 17th! Think of me on that most delightful of days! PPS--> If you'd like you can send me a letter/note/postcard/card/anything in the mail to where I'll be (I'd smile) this is the address: Jenny Nasmith (Tuxedo) Girls' Camp Camp Mini-Yo-We 1878 Muskoka Road #10 West - RR#2 Port Sydney, Ontario, Canada P0B 1L0rTæWhat an excellent weekend! As summer goes by, somewhat non-thrillingly, there are the times when you just need times of good times. This was one of those times. Driving a snazzy car, having some pretty great conversations, meeting some new people, being at the cottage, boating, tubing, laughing like mad with my sister, watching the stars, watching the lake, thinking, being with parts of my extended family, cruising back in the same snazzy car. And my birthday is coming up...less than a month! The big 1-8, which isn't all that big, but I'd like to point out that I'm now 5'7" (170 cm) which makes me happy. Also, I'm going to be a bridesmaid! Other random news: Wow, I suppose it seems all I can talk about is Japan, Japan, Japan...but after having Japan be my life for so long, it's strange to have that part cut out. However, I will be returning soon (a couple years?). Anyways, what I think is strange is how much I was looking forward to seeing all my friends when I got back to Canada, but how little I've seen any of them. I mean, I've said 'hi' to a bunch of people, but not really 'hung out' (for lack of a better term) or talked to them. This is a little saddening, because most of them are moving away this August/September and time is fleeting. So, hopefully I'll call some of you up soon, and we'll do something. Actually, maybe I'll have a party... Lastly, I must say I must do some art for my portfolio. I keep having all these great ideas, as I fall asleep! I should start experimenting with some of them. After all these personality/intelligence strengths/what-have-you tests we did in various TAG and Careers class, I realize I do alot of plan and not much 'doing'. But tomorrow I will do. Good night.rTĻpost. post-adventure. the opposite of pre. and that's all there is to it. stuck here in this endless web of suburbian ideals. can't we break out? it's already been done, but unfortunately not being done. when do i get to go back...the meeting of the NGC CEOs need to commence ASAP. and then some. sleep evades time and it all keeps passing. the drone of summer, the last of 17. all i can remember is the trip to the conbini. the surreal and ethereal mist of that one long moment that lasted 17 minutes and then i was back inside. who else was outside then? no one important. and as it fades it grows stonger, more intense. one person, and all rules broken. laughter cuts the silence, shatters it, and the pieces are dissolved. koko, watashi dake wa nihongo wakaru. nihongo dake jinai, nihon. sono koto wa jibun no desu, mada aru. all i want to do is speak swedish. he has been left behind, to be met on the road ahead. he told me so. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.r UŠG2 test = I passed! Yaaaay! And it was so easy, plus the examiner was super friendly and nice. That's all for now. I'm going out to drive.r!T«That's right! Sitting here playing on the computer of the Director of the Durham District of Young Driver's of Canada (he's late and the nice office ladies let me use it). And when he gets here, I am having a driving lesson...to refresh my once excellent driving skills! Yay! The office ladies are so cute, they just asked if I wanted a cup of tea! They are all so sweet. Well, back to playing on the director's computer! Haha.r"ToAwesome time.....party with barbeque (Canada size...can I make it?), fireworks at Kinsmen (hitting children/dogs with a soccer ball, but obviously, "not really"), hilarious friends, which obviously preceded the immense amount of laughter and on it goes. The not-really-but-kinda highlight: meeting random people who read my blog, because it's connected to Dan's? ...Hi Todd and Phil, whatever happened to YOUR sites? there's no link...not to mention props and all other things related to cool kids. And the hours of amusement from the ring tones. In Da Club. and I haven't blogged for forever. Cuz I was at my cottage for a while and then just never got around to it really...busy doing not much of anything. It looks like the search for a job will be hopeless. Everyone I've talked (that's looking) hasn't found one, and everyone I've talked to that has one says there aren't any...like we just ran out of jobs? We'll see. All the more time to work on my portfolio, (oil painting? haha) so I can apply to OCAD and make my own clothes, as the story goes. Tomorrow I'm going to cancel my G2 test (it's "on" Monday) and reschedule for a later date... I'm setting myself up to fail, I really think I will at this rate. But I'm going for a special lesson from YD tomorrow. Whoop dee doo! (that was meant sincerely, i love driving. haha) So, about that portfolio...anyone have juice? Creative juice that is! I have some ideas floating around, but I need to catch them and then represent them, with mediums. Ah, I need to get some sleep, too much energy. Actually, I'm hungry. I want to change my blog colours...everything is so complicated! Haha!r#U€RANDOM QUOTE! WHEE! In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. --Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)r$T"MONTHLY WARNING Amanda and other parties assume no responsibility in the viewing parties contracting the following side effects of viewing this page: an open mind, new insight, and/or super head-explody. If you have any problems, please do call 1-800-GET-REAL and my flying monkeys will assist you with any problems you have. Thank you and enjoy the flight! To get things started, I'm Amanda. Most people know me as...Amanda. I have many, many names beyond Amanda. Such as...Big Red. Or Sno-cone. Even Manders has a place upon the names. Or if I'm in a bad mood, it's usually "You Bitch!" See? People answer to more things than one thing. I am fifteen. I moved practically across the U.S. about a year ago. But it's all good. I'm alive and enjoying life and enjoying everything around me...except the nasty smelling air...DAMN YOU HOUSTON!! *shakes fist* I am not your normal person. Heh, I'm much more cool!...kidding kidding...but seriously, I'm not your everyday, simpleton, plain Jane. No..I have a mind and I think for myself. And that's good. I've invited three of me best friends ever to join in on writing this blog. I seriously doubt they'll all turn me down...well...at least I HOPE not...Caleb, who also has a blog. I post on his...hee hee. And Kista, who lives back in meh home town and who is the first person to introduce me to Achaea, and adicting MUD game. Aaand, then there's Nats. She's my one of my bestestestestest friends ever. I wub her to deaf! So, if you ever see a post that is somewhat sane...then you'll know it's one of those three, and not me. Life is not as bad as it seems. Sure, things bad come our way. But they can't be that bad. Carpe Diem. Seize the Day. I always see people groaning on and on about how life is too hard, too boring, or too depressing. I say, "Then get a life." You should be happy that you are on this earth, with all its problems and all of its bad things...but there's more to it than that. Yesterday in World Geography, our teacher was going around telling people what he thought of them. He loves all of our class, yes...but my teacher said, "Amanda over there...she's an angel. She loves and enjoys life, this class, and this school." Considering I'm the class outcast to the students, that came as a really good surprise to me. I got up in front of that class the first day and was told to give the class some information about myself. I remember doing that like it was yesterday. He had some questions on the overhead projector. Some were "Where were you born?" "How old are you?" "What kind of music do you listen to?" "What are your religious preferences?"...I didn't mind a single one of those questions that he asked. I stood up, being the first person on the roll, I had to go first. "My name's Amanda. I'm fifteen years old and I was born in Nashville, Tennessee." I went on to explain that I'd just moved to Houston a month earlier and that I had not yet adjusted to the place I was living in. I told them about the first month of moving...me missing my home..and my friends. And I told them that I'd noticed that this place was a Church town...and I assumed the majority of people were of some kind of Christian religion...which they were. I smiled and politely told them about my Pagan beliefs. "OH! So that means you can like put a little spell on the opposing soccer team next weekend so we'll win, right?" said my teacher kiddingly. They stared at me kinda funny and that sealed my exile contract. But, My teacher kept smiling the entire time I was talking.In response to my teacher's question, I brought up Karma and how I live my life by the rule of threefold. Someone asked what that was and I explained that whatever I do will come back on me threefold...or even more...depending on what I do. And that I'm finally over being so angry and sad at everything and that I'm going to make the best of being here. He grinned and nodded and said that he's glad to know that someone as nice as me was in his class. The point of all this is that I'm okay with being across the country...it's an experience, let me tell you that. I'm still not used to everything. Kids don't roll houses, they wrap them. And there are no freaks or hicks here...there's bangers and kickers. It's all so confusing. So, a little bit about me... Like I said, I'm not your typical person. I'm a weirdo who listens to whatever music you hand me...unless it's frickin Britney Spears...who I think should quit her career (if you can call it that) so that little girls would stop dressing like whores. I'm a relative gaming Newbie. Ah, the joys of learning! But that's okay. I like learning! Whee! I don't talk like normal person. I use words like peachy, spiffy, nifty, oi, and woot! Oh, let's not forget the new word for today...Swell. I am Queen of many things. And I am Mistress of Flying Monkeys. If anyone disagrees, they are attacked with flying monkey banana peels. You have been warned. Well, now that you know a bit that runs through my deranged mind, go on..play nice...and tell yer friends! Psychic Queen of Rubbery Things, Sno-cone The Misplaced and Malfunctioning Teenr%T„Chillin' back, hangin' out, and listening to some Nirvana. Life is good. Boyfriend gone, eye on possible prospect(s), and doing Caleb a life-saving favor. Play over, no more rehearsal...missing peoples...missing the cute upperclassman Assistant Directors that is...hee hee..boy crazy is bad. Did the governent intentionally make Easter Sunday on 4/20? I mean, do you realise how much a conflict it is going to make with the pot-smoking Christians out there? Granted, there aren't many...but I live in the place with top schools and tons of druggies. It sucks. Until next time, adios muchachas. Clean Girly, Manders, Solitary Boycotter of 4/20r&UNPweaze? Someone post something, I'm getting antsy over here. -Dice Squirrelr'UVAnd I have no experience on the matter. -Dice Squirrel (Aren't you glad I told you?)r(TóSuper Stressed Do you know how much of a pain in the arse it is to put on eyeliner and then take it off? It hurts. Like a biatch. And then when you go buy the remover for eye make-up so you don't have to worry about stinging your eyes with the normal cleanser stuff, it ends up burning your eyes just as much AND it doesn't get the eyeliner off. Damn you Theatre rules...damn you. So, this month's warning is about the dangers of make-up. In order to keep a lawsuit from knocking on her door, Amanda suggests that one never uses eyeliner unless he/she is well experienced peoples who can handle poking their eyes with semi-sharp, wooden objects that write on your skin. Also, if one were to be crazy enough to do this, experienced or not, do not use any kind of remover to get the black crap out of your eyes. Simple warm water and a soft washcloth works better, and hurts less. Please refer to the monkeys if you have any problems. Thank you. Drawn-on Princess of the Eighties, Manders, Black-eyed pea.r)T¾Frantic Hullo Blog, At the moment, I'm a bit busy...erm, I'm clicking the Connect button on the Java client at about the speed a hummingbird beats its wings, hoping that urlLink Imperian will open up at noon, like it was advertised to on the urlLink board. SO! Apart from that, I'm at school, lost in my thoughts. An hour ago I was momentarily interrupted to take a Biology test. So now I'm back to the thought stuff. Whee! -Dice Squirrelr*U=I said it once, I'll say it again: hmm... -Dice Squirrelr+U1Women fascinate me Just so you know. -Squirrelr,TœIt's a sad story to tell when you go blonde. But you can't go blonde because the dye in your hair was maroon at some point...and the blondeness turned light red. Spongebob is the bomb. Simply put. Who wouldn't adore a short, square, holey man who can play the flute with his nose? I need to find something to warn you folks on for this month... Until I do, I'm out Dazed and Confused Manders Blankly staringr-U Not brokenr.TI mean, no shit. They really do. Honest! Anyhoo, I maintain my pearly alabaster finish by doing not much at all, other than MUDding, studying, and reading. A lot. By a lot, I mean, take a really big number, and double it. That's half of a lot. -That's- how much. Nyah. -Squirrelr/T]Caleb... I know. and I have a warning for the month of July! Woot! So to avoid many people in the hospital, burnt tear ducts, blistery skin...and to promote the sunscreen market, Amanda suggests that one does not swim eight ours in direct sunlight without sunscreen. This will result in a lobster-like appearance. Also, doing so, could cause intense, stinging pain. If you have tanned skin and don't burn, do not heed to this waring...but...when you look like a rattlesnake...don't come to my monkeys...it's your fault that you were stupid enough to stay outside for so god damned long. BUT...for all you other folks, excluding African-Americans, those of Hispanic or Latino heritage, or the aformentioned lucky folks who tan, do NOT stay in the sun for a long time without sunscreen. It hurts. Oh, and from now on..my name is...Panda! Woohoo! =Pandar0TkReminder to self, update blog more often. GOING TO THE ICP CONCERT TOMORROOOOOOOW! WOOOOT! ....... Bitch, ain't I sexy? Wanna take a ride in my lexi? Well, I ain't got a lexi! I got a taxi! So get the fuck in it, floor it, and pay for it, bitch!.... I'm done. Screw the monthly monkey warning. I'm just kinda in a ...Fack owf! Kind of mood....yeah... -Pandar1T You know...it's been bloody forever since I've been on this blog. Jesus. FOREVER... SO long in fact, that I have been on a blog period, that Caleb took me off of his. Which makes me sad. But I'm not going to take him off of mine. Because I'm just nice like that. I was at Dancin' in the District Saturday night. I got to see Fuel, Magna Fi, and The Clarks. There was another band, but they blew, so I won't mention them. I do believe that I am part of The Shallom Revolution beginning here in Mt. Juliet Tennessee at a lovely music club called Cafe Express. We are believers in God. We are 'Christian'. But we do not whore out the term to make money. We are here to fight out the ideas of 'different is bad' and that you must look and act a certain way to believe in god and that Christ is your savior. We're the ones who are breaking down the boundaries of religion and are here to accept anyone who wishes to join. I started up with it because I never felt comfortable in a church. Well, my new church is held in a music club. We are young people who have a passion for their beliefs..and are there to speak and to listen and to let the Lord God speak through us and into other people. We don't, I repeat, we don't want to push religion down someone's throat. But if you were to ask, I'll say. We walk in love to the degree that we can. Our enemy is the syndicated, whored-out industry that religion falling under the name of Christian has become. That's what we all want to change. That's what I want to change. Granted, I am moving to North Carolina within the next week and will not be able to attend meetings anymore. But i will be updated..and I will spread the word of the revolution to people in North Carolina. It's what I want..it's what I need..and it is a calling that I have come to answer. Heh...No apologies for the rant there. I needed to say those things. Even if no one reads them, at least I know they're out there. And that there's a chance that someone may say, "Hey..y'know..that's pretty cool" and ask me about it. I've changed a bit since I even last posted. I don't think I'm nearly as hyper as I used to be...but then again....i've been through a lot since then. Attempted suicide, parents nearly splitting up, moving again, and the constant wondering about God and where He has a place in my life. At least one of those has been settled. I'm starting my Junior year of Highschool on August sixth of this year. And I'll be starting it in North Irdell High School in NC. I hope to have a GLSEN chapter open (What? GLSEN? Christian? HUH? I believe in equality. I live a lifestyle of love and acceptance and support of those who need to be supported.) and hopefully spread the Revolution to some folks. This should be interesting...seeing as I definately will be posting more often. God Bless.r2Uįwow.. I've moved to North Carolina. My only computer access is the computer with the sticking keys at my dad's work place that I'm having to deal with right now...and my contacts are itching and I forgot the solution. Pout.r3T”Despite random lectures and other disjointed bits and pieces, tomorrow is to all intents and purposes our last day. At the moment I just feel very stressed as my folder is a big fat mess and I am looking at a long night of crazy before the morning of HOORAH! The other big ol' pisser is that I have to go to a flinging reps meeting tomorrow. Reps!? Who cares? I wouldn't bother if Barbara wasn't the chairman. But never mind that just now: TODAY WAS MY LAST EVER EVER EVER LESSON AS A STUDENT TEACHER. There are many, myself included who thought this day would never come. I am summoning the strength of ten tigers for one last time ... grrr! Right then.r4TbSome really good things happened in London and environs today. And some horrid things too. A couple of lovely things: The li'l tykes had their exams today , meaning that I didn't have to teach AT ALL. Which in turn means that I have finished my KS3 essay, although it is unmitigated shite. Some kids were vaguely perturbed that I am leaving. Aw. Nice things happened to good people. And the not so lovely: I got myself all upset and befuddled about the Summer. I literally had six days left unaccounted for such was my workload. After seeking advice from, well, everyone, I decided to pull out at short notice from the summer work I got ages ago. Meaning that the people involved now hate me. Justifiably, given that I've dropped them in the shit a bit. The teacher who asked me to do it in the first place is v v angry at me. *sobs pathetically* This is nothing to get upset about, right? So I've pissed off a few people I'll never see again after tomorrow. It is difficult to be a let down. But! I have cleared a full three weeks of my schedule. Am so so relieved. TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY IN MY PLACEMENT SCHOOL.r5T+Oh. Sweet. Jesus. Tonight, four periods tomorrow, and Wednesday night. This is all the time I have left to sort out my file, write my essay and write my CEDP. Three things, three blocks of time. Well, that works out! Time for some serious chunking down, I reckon. Grrrr! *grits teeth and fists*r6TmIt is completely uncivilised to be out of bed before 9am on a Sunday morning. But there are essays and other important things to be done. It is too depressing. In my Western Isles childhood, this would've been blasphemy. But! Let's look at some stats to up morale a bit: TWO DAYS of school left. Thanks to training day at New Job tomorrow. Eep! FOUR DAYS until big official last hand in With Friday being what Rob rather charmingly terms 'a buffer day'. This isn't entirely good news. THE WHOLE OF JULY Is given as a grace period to finish taking our Skills Tests. Yay! EVERY BAR IN LONDON is at my disposal from Thursday onward. Note to self: drinking to excess is neither big nor clever. Right then. I suppose I'd better get on with it. x ETA: Oh for the love ... it is now almost eight thirty AT NIGHT and I have done nothing. Literally. Think of what I could have achieved in the last twelve hours. Bloody hell. I am a big fat failure. Thankfully there is still Pimm's, so I am less concerned about this than perhaps I should be. Dammit it IS the bloody Calvinists! That or the fact that I am bone idle. *gibbers*r7TtOh dear, there is so much work to do and yet I'm not doing any. Rather, I am wiggling my feet around to Benny Goodman and His Swingin' Band and considering whether I need to buy more yarn to finish this lacy number I am knitting. We also have Pimms, thanks to online impulse-grocery-shopping. I seem to have turned into my grandmother. What is to become of me? Come on!r8TIs it just me, or was that the longest week in recorded history? It just seemed to go on and on. Still wibbling, but dealing with it the only way I know: by getting my hair cut. Long time viewers will recall that I don't really like getting my hair cut due to the painful hour-long conversation with the stylist that it entails, but in this case I'll talk about pretty much anything to get the coconut shampoo and the head massage. Anyway, that's happening tomorrow. We are having potatoes and wine for dinner. Culinary genius!r9T„Attn: Friends, family, lovers, children of PGCEers It is too much. There is too much to do and too little time to do it in. We are tired and cranky. We haven't stopped since September. Children shout at us all day and we shout at them and then we shout at you. We are incapable of thinking of anything except Fuckarses of Standards and KS3 essays and WHAT IS A CEDP ANYWAY?! We are sorry and we love and need you all if we are going to get to the end. It is nearly over. We will all be back to normal soon, I promise. We might even say or do nice things and not talk about teaching for a day or two. Kisses and apologies in advance. xr:TkSigh. Still no keys and a punnet of little Year 7 boys told me that there's been a wave of teacher-key-stealings of late. Ah well. Collective nouns for teenagers: A punnet of Year 7s A query of Year 8s A gob of Year 9s A wibble of Year 10s A fag of Year 12s A pout of Year 13s There is no collective noun for Year 11. They are solitary creatures. Pip pip! xr;TToday some mean kids stole my keys. Am I SUCH a horrid teacher? I never got 'em back so I'm damned to stand outside of classrooms for the next fortnight. Hmph. Chris gave me a voucher for iTunes music store. I just can't stop buying tracks! It is late and I am tired. Goodnight! xr<TWoo! I am in the midst of a mindbending standards marathon. Have got three pages-worth so far. Only another - bastard! - three to go. Can anyone think of a way I can prove that I respect children and am concerned about their learning?* Hm. In related news, why don't you go on over to the copyright-hell that is my urlLink online gallery and marvel at Peter and his miniassociates? My fingers are fine now, thanks. Do be careful when you are washing glasses, though. Two weeks left! x * Imagine if there were special government agents whose job it was to compile an anti-standards file. And they had photographic evidence of me disrespecting children and not giving a shit about their learning. And drinking too much. And making up lessons as I go along. Or don't.r=THooray! The boy is home from Cannes with a vague tan and tales of corporate cash-spunking that would make you cry if it weren't so damned funny. I'm sure he will post pictures over on urlLink his blog sometime soon. Perhaps when I stop hogging the internet connection. This afternoon we have been doing some pyjama-dancing to the frankly unnerving urlLink Rodeohead and buying tracks for 79p on the amazing new iTunes Music Store. You should get iTunes! It rocks hard. We are having Sainsbury's moussaka for tea. That is all.r>Xš Oh dear. Carla is coming next week. She wants to see all of my files. Like, ALL of them. Yes, even that one. No, I don't know what I'm going to do either. The other thing is that I got my contract for my job, which is great, but requires all sorts of documentation and form filling and police checking and I just don't quite feel like doing that just yet. My brain is locking down and bracing for impact. Jesus. So the Boy called from Cannes a few hours ago. Apparently it is hot and the hotel is nice, although they were 'treating' the journalists to a big screen viewing of the football, rendering the poor bugger mute and glassy eyed for a couple of hours. I tried to encourage him to get excited by the running around and cheering; perhaps he entered into the spirit of things later on. Perhaps he is glassing some French people as we speak. The exhibition business went off alright, considering. Good crisp selection. Jon, Rob and I turned up about two hours early to talk to the external examiner. No one else did - we are fools. Nothing else of note happened. I have work to do for school tomorrow, but I feel I should be making the most of a night of singledom. At the moment I am having a floor picnic of cream crackers and cherries and drinking unfiltered water from a paper cup. Woo! I am clearly the most decadent and wanton lady south of the river. Next I think I will practice maudlin ballads on my guitar and experiment with my SHINY NEW CAPO.* If you are bored at about 2am tonight, feel free to email or AIM or text me, as this is the hour timetabled for extensive wibbling over burglars/monsters/wiggins. Bye now! x *Boring guitar-spod interlude: I got a new capo which is probably totally normal but utterly new fangled and futuristic for me as I have been using a pencil and bit of string for frigging years. Anyway, it is one of those springy metal clip-on varieties for, you know, quickly changing capo position mid-number (!) but it's actually QUITE RUBBISH. The bottom E never seems to be trapped by the capo. Am I doing something wrong? Does anyone else have one of these capos? Does it make all of your capo playing out of tune? Am I putting it on upside down? It was about Ā£12, which I think isn't THAT cheap for a glorified clothes peg, really. Should I upgrade? Do these questions sound slightly rude for non-guitarists? HELP ME. Also, if you have any good tab recommendations, do share: all of my books are Up North.r?UbHere is a picture taken at this evening's exhibition opening. Yes, that is Jon's nipple. Night xxr@T÷The last two days have been spent on my knees, sweating and swearing like a woman possessed. For normal people, the word 'exhibition' conjures up an image of a clean white room and aesthetically stimulating artistic treats to drink wine in front of whilst nodding at a man in a cravat. For we grubby underachieving art-trained, it is another word for 'sweaty, panicked, sleep-deprived, laborious hell on a stick.' Um, where was I? Yes. We have been setting up an exhibition of our pupils' work to be assessed by the external examiner. You'd think this would be fairly easy for a bunch of creative types with more sticky fixers than you can shake a metre stick at, but you'd be wrong - factoring in extreme exhaustion and greenhouse-level temperatures, we all became very slow and ham-fisted. Works were hung squint, boards fell off walls, portfolios were sticky-fixered to the floor and strops were had all over the place. Sigh. Never mind. It's all over now and they are assessing as we speak. I'm sure it will be fine, assuming the spray mount hasn't given up the ghost entirely. The private view is tomorrow, which should be fun. Wish I had invited more people. The most anti-climactic thing about all these exhibiting, interviewing and skills-getting achievements is that it is STILL not over. Jesus. Back to school tomorrow. Next on my agenda are standards and files and the KS3 essay, which is like the promised land of PGCE course work. Starting to doubt I will ever see it. How many days left in the sidebar..? xrAUKThe BBC says that blogging is excellent urlLink educational tool. Huzzah!rBT»I'm not sure if it has to do with being brought up in a city battered by North Sea gusts or with just being a miserable sod, but I hate this hot weather. I am sticky and cranky and no matter how much weight I drop, I will never look like anything but a cartoon ham in summery clothes. I guess I'll just have to sweat it out (literally) until the season of coats and scarves and proper tailoring. Have left Chris at the Tate Modern drinking tea and come home to do my concerfuckingtina book. I have no idea where to begin. Current plan: find as many pictures as possible then print 'em out at A4. Stick down. Fold. Will that do? Also have resource board to make. Bugger. Sport is happening on television. That is all I know about that. Had row with Chris because he thinks I should phone all the PGCE people since Babs told me to make sure they all know that we start at nine tomorrow. But I can't be assed. I am crap rep but I don't care. Goodbye xrCTƒOh dear. Everyone is having a go at me for being completely underwhelmed about job. I'm sorry. I am happy and relieved, yes. I am just slightly terrified and feel like I've just condemned myself to work like a fucking Trojan for another year. Plus it has all happened so suddenly that my poor addled synapses are stuggling to relay the information to my facial muscles and speech centres. I am squeeing inside, I promise. Underenthusing with Mags McR Guess what I've got, Mum? A cat? No, a job! A JOB! But you haven't even done an interview! Yes, I did one yesterday *outlines events* Oh. Why didn't they want the other applicants? I don't know ... maybe they were crap or something, it doesn't matter reallly. Yes I suppose. But where will you stay? Probably just in New Cross. I can get a train from here no problem. *doubtful noise* Hm. I just don't want you getting mugged on the way home or anything. You know. And what about Chris' work? Well if we stay in New Cross, it won't be a problem, will it? Well ... and is it a nice school? *losing patience* Well apart from the rival knife gangs and crack addled playground whores, yes it's lovely. Yes, well that's good then. I'm just going to cut the grass. Write your grandad! Yes I will. Bye Mum! *shouts in the background* Ian! Where's the cat? Get her out of there! What? Okay then. Bye! *click brrrrrrrrrrrrrr* Sigh. Meanwhile, I am trying to summon up some energy for the final lap of the PGCE derby. Jesus. I still have the concerfuckingtina book to do, along with my two resource boards (might just do one) and getting my files back in order. Mr Bird, do we have to submit our files during the exhibition? If so I am utterly buggered as I have dismantled them to put in my folio. OH SHIT WE ARE MEANT TO MOUNT LESSON PLANS TOO. I had forgotten. I also have to do the KS3 essay (yes, that one is still dragging on) and this really weird internet thing that I don't understand at all. And don't even talk to me about professional portfolios. Mine is non-existent. O God! O Jesus Christ! At least am not being burned alive in pagan ceremony while Britt Ekland takes her bra off.rDX0830 Apply for job 1005 Invited for interview 1030 Get train to New Cross. Pick up folio and work. 1100 Get bus to Eltham. Pick up more work. 1120 Get bus and train back to school. Mount folio work. 1530 Heave folio back to New Cross. Permanently damage arms and hands. 1800 Get 453 to Oxford Street. Buy interview clothes and shoes in one hour flat - record! All shopping should be done this way. 2000 Have dinner with Chris. Avoid alcohol despite extreme temptation. 2105 Get cab all the way from Fitzrovia to New Cross. Ā£25 and worth every penny. 2150 Mount up work, swear, inhale spray mount. 0220 Sleep 0530 Get up. 0645 Cab to teacher's house to get lift. 0830 Report for gruelling interview. 1300 Bus and train back to New Cross. 1410 Offered job. Accepted. Shit!rEUÖDo you suppose our table is the catering equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle? Where ships never come? Hm. By 'ships' I mean waiting staff. Yeah. And by 'come' I do of course mean ejaculate. I know you do.rFTWCome! Gaze in awe at my numerical genius! Truly I am the mightiest at the 7 times table! Would you like me to calculate anything for you now? Tax rebate? Monthly expenditure? Percentage of your pupils achieving grade 3 or above? *sigh* So yeah, I'm not sure what happened, but I passed maths despite NEVER having passed ANY of the practice tests. Hooray! I now have a piece of paper verifying my numeracy skillz and plan on having it tattooed on my arse so that I never have to do another test ever ever again. I also passed ICT which was surprisingly hard. Was so excited I almost asked to take literacy then and there since they weren't that busy, but thought I was pushing my luck enough for one day. Woo! I met lots of people from other courses and things. Lots of them seemed really het up about the whole business - calm down guys! You can take it again if you fail! One girl freaked out during her mental arithmetic test and started crying. Jesus. I am knackered. Only three days before a luxury two days off and two days bitching about the injustice of it all back at college. Do you like my 'days' counter in the sidebar? I know the ad is quite ugly, but I like that I can know the number of days left at a glance. Also, the ads are for Henry's Cat at the mo, which makes me laugh. I am going now. I promise never to brag about numeracy ever again. xrGT2When I was a kid I had a Henry's Cat mug with the above motto on it which I hold true to this day. The motto, I mean. I'm not sure what is more disturbing; that I take advice from a piece of cheap-ass ceramic emblazoned with a long-defunct cartoon character, or the fact that I choose to boast about it. The upshot of this is that I came straight home from school at 3.30pm and went directly to bed. Fully clothed. Which part of the day would you like me to whinge about first? How about that DT girl got a job at my school and is strutting about like the teaching prodigy she is, making friends with the staff, talking about next term and about how 'everything's all serious now'. Yeah, because it wasn't before. Or perhaps that urlLink that Rob is right. There are no jobs. None. There are jobs in Edinburgh! But no, no jobs to be had in London town. Am applying for things in Kent which is all hassley because of the boy's work. Otherwise quite good because of well-behaved children, leafy surroundings and affordable property. But still. OR there is always the near-hysteria that accompanies my skills tests tomorrow morning. I am taking the well-worn revision route of 'If I don't know it by now ...' Always a winner. And finally, in a heartwarming Newsround moment, my HoD stormed into my lesson today and gave everyone a bollocking for making far too much noise. Shit. Yes, I know that none of this is entertaining reading. And I know that all of it is better than war, death, famine, divorce or a poke in the eye. But I am still wound up and frankly it's better to post here than to lay it on Christophe when he gets home. Poor old thing. In other news: ARE YOU COMING TO OUR EXHIBITION? I HAVE NO ONE COMING! YOU CAN BE MY GUEST! Well, Chris might come, or he might be in Cannes. But you should come anyway. THERE IS WINE.rHTThe boy did indeed rescue me from the BIGGEST MOTHERFREAKING WIGGIN this side of the river. It was about to use its horrid pincery wigginy ass to take a chunk out of my foot and he manfully captured it in an ingenious trap made only from an iBook and a jar of houmous. Gra would have used a shoe to mash it nauseatingly but reassuringly into the bedclothes, but not the boy; he is a veritable patron saint to all wiggins. It is in the bin now, feasting on chickpeas and slowly suffocating to death. Soon it will fall into a painless garlic-scented sleep, never to wake. Damned dirty wiggins. The only good thing about this incident is that it allowed me to say wiggin every hour on the hour for an entire day. I have my TTA skills tests in ICT and numeracy on Tuesday. It will be nothing short of a miracle if I pass, considering I am almost completely innumerate. Seriously. You don't believe me, do you? Care to make it interesting? My spell checker says that 'innumerate' doesn't exist, which ain't great news for my literacy test. Wonderful. I have taken v trippy Lemsip Non Drowsy Sinus Capsule analgesic. Now I can't get Surrey with a Fringe on Top out of my head. Wouldn't be so bad if I knew the words. Currently goes Chicks and beans and ducks better hurry When I get you out in my scurry Wiggin get you out in my scurry With the THING on top But changes every thirty minutes or so. Nice. Chris fairly stoic in the face of nasally-intoned Broadway hits. I think I should go to bed. Bugger, back to school tomorrow. Goodnight. xrITDIf there was any justice in the world, I would have a sofa and a duvet and tea and my mum and six episodes of brain rotting teen angst Dawson's Creek to watch. Poor me. Poor old me. Sniff. ETA: Attention Londoners! Saying 'just now' is not Scottish! Is commonplace everyday English. Twos of independent adjudicators agree!rJX²... and you go from sprightly LEGO punter to adenoidal snot monster in the blink of an eye. To be fair, I haven't had a cold this year yet which is a blinkin' miracle, considering. Three expressions that may or may not be Scottish Depending on who you ask. I'm sure many Scots would assert that none of the following are Scottish at all, merely the product of my addled mind. Just now Are you serving food just now? When did it happen? Just now! This means 'right now' or 'this instant!' It looks kind of stupid written down, I guess I should try to phase it out. Or phrase it out. Ha! Oh dear. Will we ..? Will we go for coffee? Will we go to the pub just now and get food later? I only found out that this was unusual last week ... It isn't a request for precognitive ability; rather an uncouth way of saying 'shall we?' It is trĆØs gauche and I apologise to all in retrospect. Will we move on? Where do you stay? Yes, I mean live. Screw you sideways. Well that's everything I can think of at the moment. For the record, Scottish viewers, I was just considering expressions that I use every day, hence the exclusion of 'aye' and 'dinnae' and 'shitebag'. That is a good one, though.rKT|Last night we went to a v nice place for dinner. I felt a bit out of place because the bar downstairs was full of the beautiful young people shouting over their music, but the eating bit was much quieter and had exotic continental waiters. It was good. We had wine and coffee and proper whisky with ice. Today we are up very early because we are going to the Land of Lego. Where Lego is king! Yes, you know, the funny little bricks. That stick together! LEGO! I wonder if they have a whole section dedicated to 'fours'? Gra and I always used to run out of them. And Lego-man hands. There might be a well full of those. I am v sleepy.rLT,Yes, stats fans, the rumours are true; the boy and I have been a groovy love-thing for four whole years today. Rather shamefully, I forgot for the second year in a row. I am so so sorry. So while he has fabulous surprises up his sleeve for tonight and tomorrow, I can only offer this paean to our wildly romantic beginnings. Note to the squeamish: I'll try not to be too simpering, but I can't promise anything. You might want to skip to the end. How the boy and I met or Things to do in Dundee when you're not dead yet The boy and I met through a mutual friend the day before Valentine's day in the year of Our Lord 2000. Actually, I needn't have mentioned the year there, since it's 2004 now and if you take away four years of non-marital bliss then the year would be painfully fucking obvious, non? Where was I? Oh yes. So it was the day before Valentine's and I called Jim to find out if he wanted to go out for a spot of dinner as was our custom on Saturday nights. If you don't know Jim, his real name is Jamie and he is funny and Hobbit-like. He lives in London now and takes my mild obsession with his love life in good humour. Still single, to my knowledge. Come on girls! And guys! No, sorry Jim, that's not helping really. He's 100% straight and as rugged as can be. As a hobbit can be. No, I'll be quiet now. Anyway, Jim was at The Rat and Parrot which, in the days before the DCA, was the height of sophistication due to the amazing curly fries and mini Twixs. Twixi. BUT! To my horror he had dragged someone else along! His 'friend' Chris. Why? Was I not everything Jim could want in a friend? And more? Was I being ousted by this upstart? Was it because I refused to watch scary films? Or actions films? Yeah, it was definitely about the films. My irritation was compounded by the fact that I knew of the chap in question and had decided on sight that I didn't like him. He was outgoing and funny and confident and ballsy. He wore clogs to college and didn't give a shit. Instead of trying to hide his male pattern baldness he clipped his hair right to the scalp for all to see. And it looked great. Damn him! But I had to admit he was clever. You have to admire a clever man. In clogs. That evening, Chris and Jim came back to my flat and watched telly and admired my new sofa. It was amazing - huge cushions, comfortable rolling armrests ... what? Yeah, so they wandered off in due course and I thought nothing more of it. I had decided that the Christopher person wasn't so bad after all. He was actually quite amusing. And given to flattery. And old-fashioned manners. He called that night and we chatted for a couple of hours. In fact, he called every night for a month. We quickly became a gang o' two, to the understandable chagrin of Jim. Sorry Jim. We shopped, we dined, we drank, we cooked, we sunbathed. We routinely stayed at each other's houses until 5am, chatting and listening to music and watching movies. People spoke, curtains twitched. It was not until he went away to Milan at Easter that it became blindingly obvious. I was completely mad about him in every way. On a Sunday evening after he got back, I met him in the deserted town centre when the sun was low in the sky. He gave me The Penguin Book of Gay Short Stories in reference to my devotion to Queer as Folk . We had dinner at the Twin City Cafe, where he hated the chilli and I drank fizzy water instead of still. We held hands in the street afterward. It was another couple of months before that fateful night in the cold when he gave me his jacket and walked me home. And never left. Not a day goes by. xrMTThought I would feel more excited about finally reaching this week's deadlines. Hm. The lecture this afternoon was tortuously slow and badly managed. I sat at the back with the usual suspects eating sugar-free Polos and drawing stick animals. Sally waxed lyrical about Andy's virility and Rob had a guffawing fit somewhere in the middle. I learned absolutely nothing about Career Entry and Development. I don't even feel bad. Had a few jars in a pub somewhere in Kent for reasons that I still don't fully understand. Also wrote an introduction and essay plan for Jon while feeling slightly spinny; is terrible but I suspect he will use it anyway. Feel pretty rotten now. Not at my most fabulous or verbose. Despite earlier protestations, I have no intention of going to college tomorrow. I need to go into town and buy some printing ink in exciting 'my turn Miss!' colours. Kids are so easily amused - a tube of pearlescent acrylic reduced my Year 7 group to blithering fools a couple of months ago.* Barbara came up to me yesterday and whispered 'only four weeks to go, Jenny.' We are buying Barbara organic gin. I am tired. See you tomorrow you lucky lucky people. x * Sadly they remained blithering fools for the duration of the term. They should put that on the label really.rNT‹This feels odd. Do I reference no-longer-posts? Do I literally start my online life again, having metaphorically stripped naked and waded into the sea like a virtual Perrin? Perhaps I should assume a new identity and try to trap the boy into a crazy web love affair? With his own girlfriend! That would be fun. And so to business. *clears throat and intones in newsreel manner* Today I wrote my entire 'school based action research paper'. Or 'armchair based inaction no-research paper' as it shall henceforth be known. Go me. Tomorrow we are in a lecture. Joy. I wonder what it will be about. Jim is the new new Andy. It is well past my bedtime. xrOT;I had a blog. It was good. I wrote every day! I had about 20000 words, which I think is about novel-length. Wow. Sadly, stuff happened, I lost my blog-groove and deleted it all this morning. In many ways it feels good. In other ways it feels freaking awful. I'm sorry everyone: I'm glad you liked my old blog. xxxrPUņIf you are at a loose end, why not look at my urlLink gallery of Kew Gardens photographs? Then step away from the computer and review how you spend your leisure time. Not really! Love me, accept me! Hope you are having a splendid weekend.rQTIt is almost half past four in the morning. I can't get to sleep. I am tormented by visions of handicrafts - no, really. First I was thinking about whether or not I should order yarn online, then I was considering possible uses for the pretty woven wire I made whilst watching television. Then I wondered where I could buy more wire to weave and mused for a time on the benefits of magnetic catches. God, it's a sickness. Now I am online looking at the urlLink Walsh tools website, which is like jewellers' porn. Hexagonal triplet loupes, standard pendant motors ... oh yes. Sweet Jesus, the birds have just started dawn chorusing. I didn't know there were birds in New Cross. In other news, the boy staggered in at half two this morning, almost entirely incoherent. Where the hell did urlLink you urlLink lot go ? I tentatively asked what he ate for dinner and he replied '... vomit'. Oh dear. Ah well, another thirty five minutes and I can listen to that amazing Danny Boy medley on Radio 4. Yay!* * I know.rRTToday I have to wear clothes that aren't pyjamas and say words in a logical order to make sentences. The reason for this folly? I am going to meet Lucy at urlLink The National Gallery . Hooray! Lucy works at the gallery as a lecturer, so she got us tickets for the Russian Landscapes exhibition. I hope we get to go to the cafe too. It is a nice day outside, which always presents me with the problem of What to Wear. When I'm on my own I will happily roam the streets in inappropriately warm clothing such as a scarf, balaclava, fur coat, wellingtons and so on, but it seems more ridiculous somehow when you're in the company of someone who is wearing a strappy vest and sandals. Hm. What? No, you don't have to listen, I was just thinking aloud. In other news, the boy is going out with his work tonight, leaving me to eat dinner straight from the pan and drink wine until I can't get up. Ah, simple pleasures! Goodbye.rSTįLike all Scots-in-exile, I spend many a gin-fuelled evening waxing melancholy about the Old Country; how blue the skies! how pure and life-giving the water! how cheap the property! Thankfully, I only socialise with people polite enough not to ask why, if it's so bloody great, I don't bugger off back up there. Bless 'em. Anyway, the boy has now booked tickets for our biannual jaunt North, first to his place on the beautiful urlLink South coast , then to my parents in the urlLink Borders . No, it's not a holiday per se, but it is an excuse to behave like a teenager for a couple of weeks next month. Woo! In related news, the excellent urlLink Chris Cope points out this hot Borders story - urlLink The Devil, I tell you!rTU+I made a lasagne yesterday. That is all. xrUT|PHONE: BRRRT! BRRRT! BANK: Hello? JENNY: Hello, I've just qualified as a teacher and I have a job and everything, only I don't get paid 'til the end of September. So I was wondering if I had an overdraft facility to use until then? BANK: Ha! Are you freaking kidding me? Um, I mean no, there's nothing coming up on the screen here. JENNY: I see. Well, I was wondering how I could get one? BANK: *doubtful pause* Well you see the problem is that there has been no, er, income of any kind this year. JENNY: No, that's because I've been training, you see. Postgraduate teacher training; I told you about it this time last year. When I was calling about my overdraft, remember? BANK: Right. Well do you have a copy of the contract for your new job? If you really have one , you bloody layabout. JENNY: Yes! Yes I do! I can fax it to you! BANK: Yes, that would help your cause. Can you also give me your contact number? JENNY: Yes it's ... 0207 - 73, no 779, no ... actually, can I get back to you on that one? BANK: Er, yes alright. Goodbye. Jesus JENNY: Goodbye! PHONE: Click brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. CONTRACT: *is hopelessly lost*rVXĄWe are not going on holiday this year. It's okay, I've come to terms with it. Long time readers will recall that the boy and I have never been on holiday, unless you count that time we went camping in Cornwall. And we don't. The reason we are not going on holiday is that we can't afford it. Yesterday, for the record-breaking 6th summer in a row, I was greeted by the immortal words AVAILABLE BALANCE: Ā£0.00 YOU MAY WITHDRAW: Ā£0.00 UNDERSTAND? NOW PISS OFF, LOSER.* at the cashpoint in Westminster Station. Bugger. The bank have taken away my overdraft - the injustice! I may write an angrily worded letter. Or perhaps just phone them and beg. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Revolting, isn't it? But! There are worse places to be stuck. London, for chrissakes! This weekend we have been throwing ourselves wholeheartedly onto the throbbing groin of our great nation. Yesterday we took a boat all the way up the Thames to Kew. Our cheeky Cock-er-nee captain showed us the street where Oscar Wilde lived, Michael Caine's fancy flat, beautiful Battersea Power Station, and the place where all of our rubbish is compacted and put onto barges. That bit made me feel strangely proud - that's our rubbish! We spent the afternoon lying in Kew Gardens, marvelling at sunflowers and bamboo and reading all the dedicated benches. Today we went to Greenwich, Where Time Begins. It rained on our picnic, but we stayed out like hardened Scotsfolk while all the namby Southerners ran for cover. Grr! After only-slightly-soggy sandwiches we went to the National Maritime Museum and saw menus, tickets and amazing silk slippers from the Titanic. We are at home now, watching Bill Bryson being diplomatic about Scotland. Tomorrow I have shitloads of schoolwork to do. Have given up utterly on finding somewhere new to live. All you summer visitors will just have to cope with the mouldy bathroom. At least the slugs have gone. *In retrospect, I may have imagined that last bit.rWU!*maniacal laughter* *door slams*rXTˆI am in bed again. There is really no reason to get up when you have forgotten to buy urlLink Crunchy Nut Cornflakes . They really do Taste Too Good. I checked the urlLink weather; today is going to be muggy and hot with 'thundery downpours'. For the love! No sunbathing for me. Unless I want to do that romantic comedy thing of getting caught in a deluge wearing only a thin vintage dress and fancy bra, and then trying to keep my head dry using a newspaper only it doesn't work and my hair falls engagingly around my face in damp curls which are in turn tugged playfully by a sensitive and wistful man walking a Dalmatian who is sheltering under the same tree as me. Surreal dinner conversation #372 I wish there was more than one way to get married. Like, you know there's more than one way to have a funeral: you can be buried, you can be cremated, you can be put in a cardboard box with an acorn ... I wish weddings were like that. Yeah. So do they put the acorn in your belly button or just in your hand or what? I'd love that, to be buried with an acorn, not because it would be really humble and unaffected, but because I can't think of a more egotistical monument - A TREE! Everyone shelter under me! Make way for my roots! Come, squirrels, tiny animals, nest in me! Yeah, or a fruit bush and everyone could eat a piece of me I wouldn't be a crappy fruit bush , I'd want to be A MIGHTY OAK! A GIANT REDWOOD! But if we're both really big trees they'll have to bury us really far apart or one tree might strangle the other with its roots. I could be a tree and you could be a climbing ivy then Fuck off, I'm not being ivy. You be ivy.rYTDo you know how many times I have lain in the sun in the last two years? No times. None. Zero sunnage. I am blue, even transparent in places. I am ready now; but where is the sun? Where is it? It is mid-July and it has rained every frigging day for a fortnight.rZTZWe have a plague. Of slugs. It is utterly vile. What is the point of slugs? I know that question could be aimed at so many creatures on this fair planet, ourselves included, but ... slugs. If I was a slug I'd sure as hell have serious existentialist issues. Blah. Drunkenly asked the boy last night what he would do if he woke up and saw that I had a slug on my face. He said he'd 'pour salt on it'. I somewhat hysterically informed him that the only thing worse than waking to find a slug on your face is waking to find an oozing, squirming slug dissolving in salt and its own juices on your face. Rest assured; there is now an agreed Slug Procedure should any such event arise. Last night was fun although I ate and drank far too much and learned more about the internal workings of an IT publishing house than I ever wanted to know. To be fair, Jim let me talk a lot about teaching and wasn't too offended by my over-personal questions and grumpy swearing. We left the bar early-ish as Jim had to deliver a ring and this big eye kept looking at him. In other news, DO NOT be fooled into buying Onken Wholegrain Yogurt , no matter how enamoured you are of the other excellent varieties of Onken. Particularly the Mango and Vanilla one ... god, that's delicious. But Just Say No to wholegrain. It may seem like a bit of harmless frippery at first, with its jaunty packaging and promises of barley and oats, but in the end you just feel vaguely sick and disappointed, cursing the day you swore off refined carbohydrates and feeling like all the little live cultures are mocking you and pointing as they reproduce asexually.r[T¼I am overexcited because Jim is coming all the way from the Shire to meet us for drinks in Greenwich. You may recall that the last time we saw him was for the boy's birthday, when we inadvertently offended the mild mannered patrons of a fine Greek establishment in Fitzrovia. Ah, the revelry of youth. On Friday we had lots of fun at the theatre, not least because we got our seats upgraded to the very fancy dress circle. I used the little binoculars to look very very closely at what the extras were doing during party scenes. Afterwards we walked to a Chinatown restaurant and were served noodles by the Angriest Waitress in London. Next week, I plan to knit like a bitch, work on school things, look for a new flat and work some more on Hollywood Blockbuster, which is rapidly looking like a post-apocalyptic episode of Hollyoaks written by a wine-addled till-monkey with a Wodehouse complex. Bloody hell. Greenwich calls. And not a minute too soon.r\TžPlease accept my apologies for my rather maudlin postings of late. There is no excuse. I have only just woken up. At 12.07pm! Truly I am the queen of decadence! After my afternoon bath and flatmess stressathon, I am off into town to get tickets for urlLink Beautiful and Damned which looks like the inside of my mind made flesh. I suspect this will not help my retro fantasy leanings. Right then. Take care.r]UźTiring day. Good Induction over Got lots of worky things to do Am free 'til September Barclays Ad Bad No flat No holiday No pay 'til September Ad not on right now Overview Could be worse Cranky lady = terrible postr^TqOn my first day at school I was a bit late but Ms said it was okay as some of the other NQTs were even later anyway. Then they gave me a pain au chocolat which is like a kind of pastry with chocolate in the middle. And a cup of orange juice or water - I took water. Then Ms gave us loads of paper and I had forgotten to bring a notepad so I had to write on the back of my papers but I suppose I can write it all down somewhere better later. We had a tour of the school it was good although some of the children stared at us. They are probably quite nice really I suppose I would stare too if I saw some people I had never seen before in a place that is full of people. At break we got to go in the 'Staff Room' which is where all the proper teachers go. The teachers were nice except for one teacher who told me off for being in the 'Staff Room' until he realised I was not a Sixth Former. I was scared but I made a joke. The joke was rubbish but he laughed anyway. Then I had Art, it is my best subject. They put me in a classroom with no other people. I was supposed to sit in the teacher's chair but it felt a bit cheeky so I sat at a pupil desk instead. I looked in some cupboards which were full of jelly moulds and things because they used to teach cooking in the art department. There was no paint or brushes or paper. Or pencils or glue. Or pens. Maybe they are somewhere else. At the end of the day we had a talk about Pastoral Care, which is about when you have to go to assembly and things. We got biscuits and tea or coffee. I had tea. At the end of the meeting I went outside with a naughty American NQT who wanted to smoke a cigarette but had to do it in secret because it is not allowed in school. I did not smoke a cigarette though. I went home on the train. I really liked my first day in school, it was good. Then I woke up and it was all a dream ... or was it? By Jenny aged 23r_TI haven't been sleeping well again. Yesterday I tried to tire myself out by doing the Richard Curtis RomCom Walk of Whimsy (patent pending) along Bankside then wandering around the Tate Modern for several hours, but come nightfall I was still wound up and angsty and suffering from substandard spinal support.* The result of this is that I slept until about 1.30pm today and have achieved nothing. Ah well. I have two days of induction at New Job starting tomorrow. Oh no. I don't mind the meetings and tours and so on, but I find the sinister two hours of 'personal planning time' on the timetable somewhat alarming. I suspect this will require me to hang about in the art department getting under everyone's feet and feeling stupid. Is there anything more cringe-inducing than starting a new job? In other news, I was trying to find a link to the Barclay's ad when I found out that Gary Oldman is from New Cross. I don't know what to do with this information, but I feel it could be Important in some cosmic way. We are having baked potatoes for tea. * I genuinely think my head is too heavy for conventional pillows. The boy regularly buys me new and exotic varieties of pillow but within a fortnight they're flat as pancakes again. Does anyone else have a really heavy head? Just me then.r`T¹Today has been spent shouting 'KISS MY FACE!' at the television every time that new Barclays ad with Donald Sutherland and Gary Oldman comes on. It's those glasses. I will never tire of it. Ever. As well as obsessing over men twice my age, I have been exclaiming over the cuteness of the boy's urlLink childhood recordings , arguing with my mother and eating far too many evil snackfoods. Bad Jenny. Last night it rained like a bastard. xraT¢Well my days are certainly quieter. Literally, I mean. Am struggling to adjust to a world that no longer involves raising my voice to be heard, looking stern, and substituting swearwords for Blytonesque alternatives such as blimmin', shoot, and my favourite; flinging . In other news, it's That Time of Year when tourist board ads, heather honey, Caledonian Spring, Glasweigan dads cuffing their kids on Westminster Bridge and lard-based bakery products in the supermarket can make me weep like a child for my Up North family. It has to be soon, before I start moping around the Visit Scotland shop, eating black pudding and singing maudlin ballads and pouring porridge in their desk drawers. In an unrelated story, the boy got me an amazing MIDI keyboard so I could mess about with the supercool GarageBand application. He seems to suspect I have dormant musical-genius tendencies. Might have a go. It's not goodbye ... xrbUz... and your urlLink boyfriend might buy you one of urlLink these instead. YIPPEE! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx JrcT¶Wouldja take a look at the time? This time last week this would've been a perfectly normal time to be eating Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and getting all wet under the crappy shower but today I feel just wretched. The middle of the frigging night! Anyhow, I am off to take my literacy test. It will be great to have a piece of paper saying I am literate. I'm sure glad all that exam stressing all those years ago wasn't for nothing. I'd hate to think that the TTA itself was implying, by making me take a half hour pop quiz invigilated by a trained chimp, that it held no stock whatsoever in the QCA and the very exams they are training us to prep kids for. Forgive me; I am sleepy and cranky. xxxrdX&Oh dear. As predicted, going from an eighteen hour working day to eight weeks of unfettered freedom has driven me slightly crazy. Last night did not sleep one wink due to being merely a bit sleepy rather than exhausted to the point of collapse. This was compounded by the boy being mysteriously tired and going immediately to sleep in a very angular and pointy-elbowed way. Was forced to shake him awake several times and demand to discuss the day's hot news topics and/or where would be the best place to live in South London. Am thinking maybe I should get an Insomniac Messenger Buddy; someone to be on call 24/7 for my conversational amusement just in case I can't sleep. Yesterday was rubbish. I am sick of this flat with its poky corners and mouldy ceilings. And dust. I had promised myself I wouldn't go out for the day until I had transformed it into a veritable Cif palace, but frankly I couldn't give an arse anymore. I am going out. Behold! My Tate Modern membership card! Wonder! At Ā£2.50 for UNLIMITED BUS TRAVEL! I feel I'm rather too excited.reTgThis week I have charged myself with one of my most loathed duties - looking for a new flat. Back in ol' Dundee, this was a case of swapping places with a friend of a friend's sister who'd recently split up with her boyfriend/fallen out with her flatmate/had an illegitimate child with her tutor/delete as applicable. In the Big Smoke it is an epic quest that drags on for months and requires the sort of paperwork and initial cash outlay that could be used in a less pompous region to start a small independent state or breakaway republic. There is also a kind of selective deafness to the lettings agents I have spoken to: 'Hello! I am looking for a one or two bedroom flat near New Cross station please.' 'Hm. What about a studio in Peckham?' 'Ah, well you see that has no bedrooms and is in Peckham, thus the complete opposite of what I am looking for.' 'Does it need to be furnished?' 'Yes it would be best if it had furniture. Beds, at least.' Well, there's a place in Nunhead. But there's no furniture. Or shower. Or washing machine. Or roof. Or walls. 'I see. That's not really so much a flat then, is it? More a set of ideals.' And so it goes on. I wish they would just say 'To be honest we haven't got anything that would suit you.' It would make it so much quicker. Honest estate agents. Honestate Agents! A new chain of estate agents that promise to be brutally honest. Strangely similar to my plan for Intellidressers , where you can have your hair cut and coloured by a stylist with a masters in criminal psychology. Eschew the conversational world of clubbing for one of forensic evidence! Or astrophysics! Or 18th century French literature! You could request the stylist with the specialist subject of your choice. There must be some disillusioned graduates out there who would love a little comb-holster. Anyway. I think it is time to tidy up the bedroom.rfTYes I know, it's tragic. All this time to myself, the whole of London at my doorstep, and I'm sitting in the dark blogging. I'm sure everyone else is lounging around in fabulously shabby bars being desirable and louche, but I am just hanging out here, clearing up the debris of a two month long housework embargo. Am finding it hard to wind down into holiday mode and feel slightly frantic about the various odds and ends that need to be done before September. I think my brain is just looking for some displacement stress; you can't just expect it to stop suddenly like that. Have spent most of today listening to '30s jazz and considering seaside holiday destinations. Seem to be slipping irretrievably into Wodehousian fantasy in which I have land and a sense of moral outrage. Miss you xrgT©Just back from Sainsbury's, where people with no appreciable spacial awareness, motor skills or co-ordination were having some sort of wager on who could drive their trolleys the most spastically into the island merchandising areas. Jesus. No wonder they have to have those funny rubber bumpers in the fresh produce aisle. Additionally, I hereby promise to drop kick the next lucky toddler who runs into my basket at full tilt then dissolves in hysterical tears at my feet as onlookers are scandalised by my flagrant disregard for the wellbeing of fucking hyperactive children who should be handcuffed to their parents, put in the trolley seat provided or tied up outside the shop so help me God. In more cheerful news, I am intermittently knitting, making cakes and grumbling at length about the state of the house. Hooray! Also: the Emma! The Emma is coming! Not for ages but I am very very very excited! Being on holiday is great. xrhXŠOnce again you find me in bed. How slovenly. I'm not sure what to tell you today. What did I used to talk about? I can't remember. Anyway. Some of you want to know How it All Ended: We turned up on Thursday to have our files checked and to hand them in for final assessment. Of course, this sounds far simpler than it actually was - upon inspection, everyone had things missing which then had to be done at the last minute amidst much stressing and shouting and stropping around. I am ashamed to include myself in that bit. I think we ended up running about like crazies for about six hours before the hand-in time came round. Then we each checked in our files with Barbara, who gave us a pink slip of paper with our names on. And that was it. Those of us who had finished went to the pub, but we left lots of other comrades behind, typing and photocopying like billy-o in order to meet the final deadline of 8pm. I hugged Carla. She was fragrant and huggable. I'm glad we will be seeing her again soon, it wasn't a great way to finish. Yesterday I paid my fine of Ā£16.40 (!) at the library and Lucy gave me a lift home with all my exhibition stuff. Thanks Lucy! She also invented an amazing new drink from the paltry contents of our fridge. At night, I took Chris to see Shrek 2 at the Empire in Leicester Square. It was great. I can do whatever I want today! It is too exciting. Why not indulge me by considering a few PGCE thoughts for one last time: We still don't know who has passed and who has failed (if anyone) ... angst! I am an actual, real life teacher. Carla's bracelets - are they the source of her power? Would we do it again? Probably.riT>I am in bed. Can't really write too much at once ... People went to the pub. The people were me and Lucy and Jon and Sally and Rob and Hav and Chris. I drank too much gin. It tastes like celery. Sally made puppets happen and said I was a beauty. Hahaha! My legs hurt, I don't know why. My head is really hot too. I have to go to college soon to pay off my library fine and get my portfolio. Lucy will give me a lift home which is good but oh god our flat is shameful I hope she doesn't want tea because there is no milk. Or cups. Or tea. I am sad to leave everyone. Being teacher is a bit alarming. In other news, I would like to announce that for the next two months I am free as a bird. Place your bookings now for shopping, cinemaing, coffeeing, members' lounging and general larking. Woo! Have a lovely Friday everyone. xrjTtGood morning. I'd like to apologise for all the exclamation marks and caps-locking of late. There is no excuse, really. I got up about half an hour ago because I woke up with all the tunes from School of Rock going round and round on my internal jukebox and because it was hot and irksome lying down. And because the boy was snoring like an adenoidal bandsaw. touch me baby, ba-ba-ba-baa, Lawrence is good at pia-no! ba-ba-ba HHHNNNNNNRRRRRRRRK HNNNNN HHRRRRRNK You get the picture. I'm sure I'll regret getting up so mindlessly early and end up getting all cranky and being sent to my room before dinner, but never mind.rkTßI am tidying up the flat so that Emma won't think I am a slob. Obviously this is madness as she has known me for over a decade and knows full well the extent of my slobbiness. But I need something to do to stave off the crazy! I am so so excited, not JUST because Emma is coming, but because the boy is on holiday, and we are going to Scotland to have a surprise party with fireworks and cake! And after that I am going to my parents' to eat and drink and torment the cat and be told to shut up by my brother who, to be fair, calls it like he sees it as far as I'm concerned. Hooray! It feels like a proper summer holiday now. This post is rubbish but I don't care! *expresses holiday joy through the medium of interpretative dance*rlTOnly three weeks 'til school starts. And the next two weeks have been put aside for larking around. Leaving only ONE WEEK when I get back from Scotland to do preparation. What the hell have I been doing for the last month? I don't know either. Suppose I'd better do some work then.rmT\Yesterday I was a gift-buying genius! I went to Hamley's and bought Wee Bead People for Alis' 8th birthday, then I went to the Contemporary Ceramics gallery and bought lovely Japanese stoneware for my in-laws' anniversary, then I went and queued for THE LONGEST HOUR OF MY LIFE at Cookson's to buy gold and silver wire for some impromptu jewellery making. Studying in the wilds of Scotland means that I had never actually been to a bullion merchant before. It was very exciting! Everyone is behind bulletproof glass and the whole place can be secured and inescapable at the touch of a button. Wow. Weirdly, you also have to take a supermarket-style ticket before you can be served, giving the whole thing the air of a nuclear arms deli counter. Do you think Scotland Yard will knock my door down at 4am for putting 'nuclear arms' in my blog? This time next week I will be heading North to the land of milk and honey and coronary heart disease. Hooray! Also, the all-translating, all-interpreting, cow-loving, ankle-clicking, floor-sleeping karaoke giant that is Miss Emma is coming to stay on Saturday. This is more exciting than anyone can possibly imagine! I suspect my post on Friday night will consist entirely of exclamation marks. In other news, the boy has signed us up for a free trial of an amazing DVD rental service where you go online and make a list of films you want to watch and one falls through your letterbox every couple of days. It's great! Also, you end up with bizarre combinations; tonight I have the choice of Schindler's List or School of Rock, for example. And now I am going to Sainsbury's. xrnT”We had a problem with our phone that went something like this: PHONE: bbrrrrrrrrrrrrt-b-bbrbrrrt-br-rrrp- *wheeze* ME: *lifts receiver* Hello? PHONE: *eerie silence* ME: *replaces phone* Hm. PHONE: bbrrrrrrrrt-br-b-brrrrrrrrrrrrr-*splutter* ME: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! After a couple of hours I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so the boy phoned the Amazing BT Automated Phonechecking Robot. It really was! Amazing, I mean. The robot finds out what is wrong with your phone through the miracle of fibre optics, then schedules a BT man to come to your house at the crack of dawn the next working day. THEN it diverts your landline to your mobile with no extra charge to you or your callers. It's an innovation in artificial intelligence! Part of a new hyperrace of beings! Switch to BT now before their dark army of Automated Phonecheckers take over the planet! Right, I think that's enough BT pimping for now. Suffice to say I think you should all stick your phones in buckets of Tizer and call the 'Bot forthwith.* Now I have to go and write a lesson plan on How to Draw a Portrait. Thrill! Take care. *Unless you're not with BT - that would be crazy.roT2Billy Zane and Jaoquin Phoenix are half-brothers. Their father may or may not be the Lazarus (he could just be a Lazarus- type ), this mystical paternity has granted them the ability to raise the recently deceased from the dead. Do they have a mission? Yes, to find out the fate of their father and, if he still lives, kill him and set him free from the bonds of the Earth because for every year the Dad is alive, a single soul must take his place in the afterlife. A soul that would have otherwise continued to live. Oh, the angst! Are the brothers raising the right people from the dead? Or are they making things worse? Would they be better off doing nothing, or not bringing people back and just killing Dad? How do they find all of this out? Does a little man who lives in a cave and wears a white robe with an equally white beard tell them? No! Their mothers belonged to a cult - both died in childbirth, of course - and they were raised by a woman who amounts to the cult's den mother (because even cults need someone to clean the bathrooms). Is there a conflict between the brothers? Of course! Jaoquin's character is afraid of what will be revealed and would rather turn back than continue on and Billy's character drags him forward by sheer inertia. But who will play Dad? That is the question.rpTMEarleir today, as my brother Nathan was getting ready to head home after visiting for my birthday, we got talking about network television and how the networks have cancelled some of the shows that we found to be most promising. This conversation was inspired by my purchase of the urlLink FREAKS AND GEEKS and urlLink FIREFLY boxed sets, and how we felt that the creators of these shows had learned and not learned the lesson of working in TV, respectively. Sort of like Chris Carter with urlLink MILLENNIUM and urlLink HARSH REALM . But what has all of this got to do with Billy Zane? Well, Nathan said, "I liked that show. [HARSH REALM] had that guy from urlLink THE CUTTING EDGE - I like him." " urlLink D.B. Sweeney ," I said, "I'd like to see him in a show with Billy Zane ." And thus the concept was born. Billy and D.B. would play an urlLink ODD COUPLE -ish pair of detectives. Billy would be the "by the book" immacualtely clean one, and D.B. would be the rough around the edges, "whatever it takes" one with lackluster hygeine. Together, they solve crimes - let's say they are a private investigation firm that specializes in finding kidnap victims and missing persons. Billy's character was a cop, but disgusted and frustrated by what he views a corrupt and ineffective police force, he leaves and goes into business on his own. D.B.'s character is a slightly reformed criminal - a bookie, who, after having to chase down one too many late payments, had decided that his connections could be put to a more profitable and less annoying enterprise. When we meet them, they've been working together for some time already, so the rhythm of their relationship is already established - that way we get to allude previous unseen adventures and characters that are already established in this universe. Is it trite? Is it a cliche'? Yes and yes. But the casting of Billy Zane is what lifts it up beyond the mundane. Billy and D.B. , we think, would have the chemistry to pull it off and make it fresh and fun. Have at it, Billy. Have at it.rqT Billy Zane is, without a doubt, in possession of the most expressive brow and sparkly eyes known to filmdom. But that's not the reason why he's the subject of this blog. Over the years, it just seems that his name comes up whenever my brother, Nathan, and I talk about various concepts for TV shows and movies we'd like to see. I suppose that this would an approriate place to cite an example - but that what the other entries are for. Or I could talk about his performace in a film that I particularly enjoyed - but that's the point, I like all of them (with the exception of TITANIC, haven't seen it) because he's Billy Zane. Although I will say that he totally creeped me out in DEAD CALM. I'd like to inaugurate this blog by saying one thing: Thank you, Billy. Thank you.rrTaEspecially in the warm weather... Actually I am thinking it is not a cold but that I am allergic to my assistant manager... Wouldn't that be a hoot!... I was fine til he came to my dept. And stood next to me... Then I started sneezing and my eyes got all itchy... I have been thinking lately about dimensional stuff... Like several dimensions living within other dimensions and not interfering with each other... I don't mean "not interfering" because they are being courteous, but because they are oblivious to the existence of these other dimensions... I think it can explain alot of strange occurances in peoples lives... I know it can explain alot in mine... I have to give this more thought... I am not a real "heaven or hell" person... and I have found a sort of comfort in this dimensional thinking... anyways, I will get back to you on this... laters! mersT®I decided to start over on my Blog Getting ready for Inventory at work on the 9th of June... This year I am not going to stress out like I did last year... As long as nobody dies on Sunday I will be ok... Also checking to make sure all my prescriptions are filled too... I have my Plan of Action all made out and I am determined to stick to it... No faltering... The Saturday after inventory, I will be picking my nephew and 2 nieces up from the airport!!!!... They will be visiting for a week... I am soooo excited about this... My niece Jennifer and nephews Andrew and Christopher are the kids of my sister Christine and my brother-in-law Dave... Andrew won't be visiting right now... Soon though, I hope... My other niece that is also coming is Elizabeth, my sister Maggie's daughter... Abby, Maggie's youngest won't be coming up this time... She is going camping with some friends... Well, just wanted to get this started... laters!!rtT&Well 2 days to go til Inventory!... I lost it a little yesterday... but then we (Me and JoAnn) had already put in 15 hours and I was tired... ready to go home... and found out I still had a couple hours work ahead of me... I broke down... Janice and Mel came to the rescue... they printed out my listings and labels for me so I could leave... THANK YOU!!!! Maybe if the people in my dept would move with a little more urgency AND they would see I need a few more people in my dept... things would go a little more smoothly... wait... just seeing I need more people won't make things move smoothly... because they already see that... they agree... so??????... The bright side to all this is that starting next week, JoAnn will be on days, seeing school is out... but then I think to myself... I shouldn't have to pray for summer to get things done in my dept... why should I lay all this on JoAnn????... I was once told that people are set up to fail... if this was the case, I have failed way too many times to still be there... at least in my mind anyways... I know my potential... I also know my breaking point... more than that, I know how I can be when I pass the emotional stage of feeling like nothing is going the right way and I get overwhelmed... I don't like going there, but maybe I should... just to see if it truly makes a difference... There is a joke among a few at work that I have many faces... there is Maryann, she is fun and a little goofy... Jaryann, she has some emotional issues... Caryann, she is the bitchy one, she doesn't really come out too often to too many... and then there is Red, she isn't too different from Caryann except that when she wants something done she wants it done... another that doesn't show her face too often... If I could just get Caryann and Red to team up together without fighting I might have a good thing going... So, CMK, I might have to give this a try... see how well the 2 can work together... I surely hope this doesn't blow up in my (Maryann's) face... Well one of us will report back and let you know how it goes... LOL...ruTĀI am late again getting anything posted... but I have a good reason... nieces and nephew are here from Florida for a week... They got in Saturday evening at the Gary Airport... of course I was crying like a baby when they touched down... Jennifer is the one who I think went throiugh the biggest change since I saw them last... 2 years ago... she is taller, a little more mature looking... but still acts like Jen... Christopher is also taller and is still a giggler... and the spikey hair-do is no longer there... Elizabeth is... well... Elizabeth... I really think she should have been born a blonde (no offense to all the blondes out there) but, she is truly the picture of just about every blonde joke out there... but we love her just the same... After we got their luggage we headed off to Johnel's for dinner... got home and showed them where everything was and proceeded to sit and watch 2 movies... Shrek and Cat in the Hat... I couldn't make it all the way through the second movie... Sunday we went grocery shopping then to the mall... came home and slowly made our way into the freezing water of the pool... After turning several shades of blue and heading to purple, we got out, made some suncatchers, ate hot dogs and watched Blackhawk Down... Then it was off for frozen yogurt and a drive... 2 nights in a row I was asleep before my head hit the pillow... Today we are taking the train to Chicago to go to Navy Pier, Buckingham Fountain and Millenium Park... Going to the bank in a few to cash in all my change I have been saving for this event... probably have about $200 in there... we should have fun... gonna take alot of pictures... We will post some on my website... Well gotta go get ready... Laters! MervTĪFrom "Conversations with Charlie...," 08/02/04: I took the five seconds of silence to think of what it must have been like, back then. I took those seconds to realize, once again, that my generation has nothing to hold onto. In the twilight of my life, I will have nothing glorious to look back on. Revision: Five seconds of silence ticked, to and fro, between Charlie and me. So Charlie had had that first ballgame, the way first ballgames are supposed to be. Did I have one? I couldn't remember. Ticket prices have skyrocketed since Charlie's time, if anything I would remember the hell just getting those damned tickets. I wondered if any of my boyfriends remembered their first ballgame. Did they? Or were they too busy making money for the weekend bash in Long Island? Or for a new video game set and iPod? But didn't Charlie just say that it's the kind of thing a boy never forgets -- his first ballgame ? But I knew that it wasn't really about a first baseball game. It was about something else, something intangible that, in the twilight of our lives, still glimmered just beyond the darkening horizon. Was it the immutable, eternal moment of a simple joy? Did anyone in my generation even know what a simple joy was, the way Charlie knew and loved his simple joys? As those five seconds tailed-off, as Tivo flashed through my mind like a sinful thought, I began to understand. I realized how it was that my generation was, indeed, a generation without glory.rwT½There was once a King and, like any other king, had everything he desired. All this was not enough for him, though. Night after night, the King tossed and turned in his royal bed, tormenting himself over this dilemma. One day, he decided to visit his Wise Man. "Wise One," started the King, anxiously, "please help me." "What can I do for you, Majesty?" The Wise one peered curiously at the King with his beady black eyes, under a pair of grey knitted brows. "I need something that I cannot find myself. Something that will make me happy when I am sad, and sad when I am happy." "Maybe I can help you," murmured the Wise Man, as he began to sort through his baskets of stuff . "Here," beamed the Wise Man, "wear this on your finger." The Wise Man handed to the King a simple, golden ring. Confused, the King put this ring on his finger. As he wandered away, however, the King noticed a small inscription around the ring. This, too, will change.rxUĀurlLink Ixiana and me at 1020 for Gene's birthday. Note the cupcake I am holding - very important detail. There is a daffodil on it. The daffodil, of course, is my favorite flower. urlLinkryX!The sun was shining brightly on the front of CafĆ© Zannyā€™s. It was a fair place to sit on such a fair day, I thought, as I took a final drag from my cigarette. I crushed the spent Lucky under my flip-flop. Charlie sat on the wooden bench adjacent to me. ā€œYou know,ā€ Charlie puffed on his cigarette, ā€œI donā€™t get into other peopleā€™s business. I keep to myself. Iā€™ve been living in this neighborhood for a year and a half now. Sometimes, I drop by that 1020 bar to say hi to Timmy. You know Timmy?ā€ I nodded. ā€œBoy, heā€™s a real Boston fan. I keep telling myself, I just gotta go to Fenway before they tear that ballpark down. Fenway is an old ballpark, you know. Classic. I gotta go there soon, I guess. And I have to go there with a real Boston fan, like Timmy. Boy, that would be a great time, before I go.ā€ I smiled. Yes, I knew Tim Monaghan. There isnā€™t a Red Sox fan in all of New England like Timmy. ā€œYou know, this was before you were born, in the seventies. I used to go to Gallagherā€™s downtown, every Monday night. We called it the Monday Night club and we had a private dining room upstairs, in the back.ā€ He took another drag from his cigarette. ā€œOne night, my friend says to me, ā€˜Over there, do you know who that is?ā€™ And I said, ā€˜Why, thatā€™s Ted Williams!ā€™ You wouldnā€™t believe it. Ted Williams was at our Monday Night club at Gallaghers!ā€ I took a sip of my coffee. Teddy Ballgame. Man . ā€œYou know, the one thing Williams loves best after baseball is fishing. Boy, youā€™ve never seen a fishing aficionado like Ted! So, I go and tell him on the side, ā€˜Mr. Williams, now I know that you love fishing. I know the perfect place in the West Indies for you to go fly-fishing. Theyā€™ve got huge hotels, hundreds of rooms and dining rooms and ballrooms, you canā€™t go through it all in a whole month! But that ainā€™t nothing compared to the fly-fishing you get down there. Why, this is where the professionals go to fish! I think you might like it, Mr. Williams.ā€™ā€ Charlie was now crouched over my knee. His grey, grizzly eyebrows were arched and his sunken eyes peering intensely up at me. Perhaps I was supposed to be in disbelief. ā€œSo Mr. Williams steps out of the crowd and says to me, ā€˜Well, that sounds just like my kind of place.ā€™ Wouldnā€™t you know it, man, Mr. Williams talked to me for a whole half-hour about fly-fishing!ā€ Charlie leaned back onto the bench as in full-bellied satisfaction, and flicked his cigarette to the pavement. His eyes vanished into a squint, the sun was setting squarely on his leathery face. He lit another Pall Mall. ā€œThose were good times, oh boy! I look back and I say to myself, I wouldnā€™t change a thing about it.ā€ His face, crinkled in a grin as wide as Broadway, was smothered in his exhaled smoke. ā€œYou know,ā€ he continued, ā€œWhen I was in grammar school -- this was back in ā€™46, well before your time -- that was when my father took me out to my very first ballgame . I remember it clearly, because a young boy just doesnā€™t forget these kinda things. It was my first ballgame, in fact it was Opening Day at Yankee Stadium. They were playing the Dodgers. Boy, was it something. And my father takes me out of school and says to the headmaster, ā€˜Sir, you know, my son here is going to learn more about life at Yankee Stadium today, than he will ever learn in your damned school.ā€™ā€ Charlieā€™s eyes were now far away from Zanny's. He had returned to another space, another time. ā€œGee, you see, my father takes me out of school to take me to my first ballgame. There's nothing like it, I tell you. ā€œYou see, baseball was a real game back then, not like it is now. We used to have only eight teams, so every Sunday the city would explode. We had the Yankees, the Dodgers and the Giants across the River. Boy, oh boy, people would go just wild! And then if you went to the stadium to see the game, first youā€™d get the minor league game, then the major league game. Those were good times, I tell you.ā€ I took the five seconds of silence to think of what it must have been like, back then. I took those seconds to realize, once again, that my generation has nothing to hold onto. In the twilight of my life, I will have nothing glorious to look back on. ā€œYeah, Charlie,ā€ I said. ā€œI was born in the wrong generation. Big money, clubbing at hotspots and a house in the Hamptons donā€™t do a thing for me. I belong somewhere else, Charlie.ā€ I blew my bangs from my face. ā€œI missed it all, the life youā€™ve lived and Iā€™ve only imagined. Itā€™s up to folks like you to tell me how it was.ā€ ā€œI know what youā€™re saying. I may be an old geezer, you see,ā€ he waggled his finger at me, ā€œbut I know whatā€™s going on.ā€ Charlie paused. His eyes fell, darkened. ā€œYeah, the times have changed, I guess.ā€rzT×Finally sorted out the problem that was troubling me. Alls well that ends well. Life is good again. No tensions. Had a major hang over after team lunch. Havent eaten so much my whole life. Couldnt eat anything for days. Was wondering what it would be like to go on an indefinte fast. What would happen to all those little cells inside my body. How would they react!! What would be going in their nucleii. Not biologically but physcologically. Ok I am blaberring again....r{TµWell I guess i havent been posting anything for quite sometime now. Dont know if that has been because I was busy or because I didnt want to write anything. Life has been a little complicated for quite sometime now. Something is definitely bothering me but cant actually pinpoint what. I am not enjoyong my work. I think I need to think it over and identify what is it thats causing all the trouble. Had gone for team lunch. Wonder why people celebrate it when they get married. I mean what is it that they are gaining after all. Arent they losing their freedom and getting bound to one person. Beats me!!! Maybe I will know if and when I get married. ;-)) Guess I should get back to work now.r|T3Buenos Dias, Well life goes on as usual. Working on something which is becoming more and more confusing. Didnt play Holi for the first time in my life :(( Wanted to but then we were just 5 of us and didnt see a point in playing in such a small group. Holi is one festival where its more enjoyable to play with as many people as possible. A couple of my friends did come and put some colors on me. That was Holi for me ;-) India is all set to crack world cup semi finals. It would be nice to see them win the cup this time around though Australia is a better team.r}TYWell today has been one of the most confusing days of my life in TI. We have been so confused with what we are working on and there doesnt seem to be any solution anywhere in sight. Have been trying to contact various people and but noone seems to be the right person to be contacted. Looks like India is going to win the match. Good for them!!!r~T€I am back again. I am thrilled in life. I got some stuff from home. Lots of Shrikhand. Had that for lunch ;-) Was just thinking, what does it mean to really hate something. I mean its not that I have never hated anyone or anything ever but guess my hatred never reached a stage where I would really want bad things to happen to the one concerned. I think I really want to see that negative side of me where I would want terrible things to happen to what I hate ;-) Kenya won the match and I really hated that but then I didnt want terrible things to happen to Kenya. Well guess when one genuinely hates something one would want to be as mean as possible. Does that mean I have never genuinely hated something? Does it mean that none of my feelings are genuine? May be thats too much of an extrapolation.Let me remain happy with the (mis?)conception that only my ill feelings are not genuine ;-)rTśBuenos Dias, What a beginning. No mails in my inbox, thats one thing which simply spoils my mood. Have loads of work to do. These days I am getting this feeling that I am like one of those extras in a play, one who is required to be there but the presence doesnt particularly lend any meaning to the play. I mean it can be anyone doing that part. So my own contribution is insignificant, another person would have done it equally well.Dont know lets see when will I get promoted to a more significant role.r€U;Buenas Tardes, My first posting as a blogger.Wont say much.rT]I am getting irritated today. We are supposed to go for a trip and noone wants to even think logically. They all are behaving in such an immature manner. I am giving up on the trip. Losing all the enthu... Anyways we are supposed to have one last meeting today if nothing is decided today I think I will not go for the trip. What a painful thing...r‚TŠWell wonder why certain things happen when they are not meant to be in the first place.But they still happen and hurt you because they were not meant to happen. Beats me. Have tried to find a reason to avoid such things to happen but guess its finally not in our hands. I mean if they were in our hands they wouldnt be classified as things which happen which are not meant to be in the first place. Anyways life is too confusing to be sorted out like this I guess.rƒT#Well i think I took a really long break. Well lots of not so important things kept me busy. Well finally made a decision to do MBA. Realised the reason behind my dissatisfaction. I want to be in-charge and that can be attained only if I have power, authority. And that means management ;-)))r„TÜToday there was a lot of excitement in our group. We are going for a day's outing on 31st to Club Cabana(http://www.clubcabanaindia.com/). So everyone was planning out games and things to do. Someone came up with this idea of giving surprise gifts to each other. We all picked up one slip with the name of a teammate written on it. We are not supposed to tell whose name we got and we have to buy a gift for that person now. Since I have recently moved to this group I dont know people very well. One person from my previous group has also joined along with me. And guess what I got his name. Thankfully , atleast I know him pretty well. I hate to give a gift to a person without knowing the person. I mean its so sad. A gift should be given keeping the other person's likes and dislikes in mind. I mean I wouldnt like someone gifting me a cassette or a CD of some ROCK BAND. (I know lots of you would frown on that) If I dont like getting something I dont like I am sure others dont too.r…TįYesterday was a very hectic day. Got up at around 9am (well thats a bit too early for me on a holiday) and got ready in half an hour. Went to Fab India. Man that place does have some really cool stuff. Bought some stuff for parents and sis, went to Art of Living Ashram outside Bangalore. That place is amazingly peacful. Well I guess most of the people who claim to have got benefit from Art of Living course, must have got the same from the very stay in that place. Its so beautiful and close to nature that anyone will forget his worries and feel relaxed. Anyways, went to ISKCON temple after that. The place was overflowing with people. Didnt have the strength to actually climb those stairs so decided to wait for my parents in the car. Came back home and slept like a baby. I like the feeling. When one is tired, very tired . The feeling one gets is just awesome. Dad is leaving bangalore today. Its going to be just me and mom for sometime now. Not too sure if I am happy about it. After having lived away from parents for over 5 years now, I am not too comfortable when they are around. I mean its good for a couple of days, but then I start longing for all that independence which I have when I am all by myself. Am I being too selfish?r†Ui cant see my last post :((r‡T…Feeling a lot better today. Guess it was just some weakness which was causing me all thos weird feelings. Anyways came late to office. There is nothing like sleeping as much a you can. Well have you ever felt that amazing feeling you get when you wake up and then know that there is nothing much to do the whole day :) Well ever since i have changed my group i havent been doing any work what so ever :) Come to office, think of ways to waste time and go back home. Man thats life :) My parents are here these days. Its a nice change. I dont have to do anything :) Get up, get nice food, come to office, relax again and then go back home to have another nice meal, and then sleep. But then as they say all good things come to an end, guess soon work will start and my parents will also leave. Hehehe, Bhagwan jab deta hai to chappad phaad ke deta hai aur jab leta hai to bas phir kya hai :) Adios. PGrˆT8Havent been feeling too well for past 4 days now. Have this weird feeling in my limbs and am feeling quite breathless today. Hope I dont have anything serious going on inside my body. Well for the firt timers, I am a highly paranoid person. A small infection causes me to think about it for hours together till I have got all kinds of tests done on myself to make sure it really is a small infection and nothing else. So now you can imagine what this kind of uneasiness is doing to me right now :) Well got myself checked by a doctor yesterday and she thinks everything is fine but am still not convinced. I am now associating everything that happens to me to this uneasiness in my body. Well guess i need to stop thinking for sometime. Maybe everything is because I am being paranoid." Well as they say its all in the mind"r‰T‹Hi I am back, well i must say it was the longest possible break I could have taken. Well lots seem to have happened in life in all these months. Both on personal and professional front. Well I would keep this blog more of not so personal kinda thing since I dont like to discuss every micro detail of my life so openly. Anyways our group, the one in which I was working for almost 18 months closed down and i have been shifted to this new group. A nice small group though work hasnt really started yet. Have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of timepass. Well think its enough for today. Will make it more interesting from tomorrow (hopefully :))rŠTdWell I had decided I wont post any blog for a long time to come. Reason? Well I am not too sure if its worth the effort. I mean why am I even maintaining one? Its doesnt come even 0.01% close to having a personal diary. I mean personal diary is close to someone's heart. Its one place where you mention your deepest, darkest secrets and noone absolutely noone can read it. Blog is, on the other hand, exact opposite. One writes stuff which absolutely anyone can read. What is the intention? Write stuff so that others can read? or what. Anyways I am not convinced yet and will not write till I am convinced. Byer‹TéWell well well. One day I dont update my blog and I have so many people requesting me to do the same :) Hehehehe. Well our trip to club cabana was a great success. We played a lot of games, ate good food and got good presents. I got a photo frame cum wall clock. Very cute thing. Wonder who gave it to me. Weekend was a lazy one. Didnt do much. Slept most of the time. Mom's leaving tomorrow. So helped her to pack her stuff. Kinda relieved that she is leaving. Well not happy, guess i have not become that mean yet. I guess I am not totally dead inside. A teammate has moved into a new house. Went to her place for lunch. Man I am waiting for the day, when I would move into MY OWN HOUSE. A house, which I will decorate with my own hands. I have decided to make a room in my house, which I would even paint myself. That room is going to be my own creation. Anyways, guess work will finally start today. Art of Living course starts tomorrow. Have heard a lot about it. Lets see how it turns out to be.rŒT*Well, I think I can update my blog once in a while. Its not that bad a thing to do :) Today's post is not mine. Its taken from Som's blog and somehow I feel it fits. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They know. You know. They know that you know. You know that they know. But they don't say so. So you don't either. And they go on acting natural. So you do the same. Nothing unnatural in the whole thing. As if nothing is different. But what's wrong if things are different? Different is not wrong. Different is not something to hide. So why all this play-acting? Why can't I declare aloud that I know, so speak to me without this deception, this mask? And what good comes out of it all? A realisation. I thought I was their friend. I thought that they would tell me about it...something important. They didn't. I wasn't as close to them as I thought. So even if they know, and I know, and all of us know that the other knows, this must go on. Till they take the first step to change things. Will they? I do not know.rTÆJust wanted to write the following poem. A poem I have read a million times. A poem I think is a masterpiece. So powerful in its meaning yet so simple in its words. "The Road not taken" Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the differencerŽTThe demon has resurfaced. She is a very nice person. I have spend some really happy moments with her but now the very look of her pains me. Is it something she did? Cant think of anything which could have triggered such a feeling. Passing phase. Thats what everyone tells me. But deep down I know its not. It all seems so familiar. Has happened before. Not long back. I am sacred to even think about it. Is this the end?No. I won't repeat the mistakes I made before. I won't. I won't let the demon win this time.rTFBack from Mumbai. The trip was good. I guess I took Ashish's comment of relaxing way too seriously. Slept like a maniac. I am sure my parents got an impression that I work way too much out here to get any sleep ... hehehehe No matter what, I still fell so much comfortable in that colony of ours. Its like my own. I guess that's because I have spend most of the time there. I met some of my old friends. After almost an year. It was great. Everyone seems to have changed a bit. Some for good. Its nice to see those people who had such naive and narrow opinions opening up to the realities of the world. Or is it that I have changed and that's why I perceived them differently. Whatever it may have been. It was a good balance. But there is one thing which I have been thinking ever since I came back. Infact I was talking to a friend of mine about it. She brought up a very interesting point. She said, we change when we stay away from our parents. We find it different when we go back home now. We feel a bit weird. Is it the same for our parents? Do they feel a bit different when we are around after such long periods of time? I always used to think that parents never change. But after she brought up this point, I was a little confused. Isn't it that they also settle down in a kind of a routine which is altered when we come down. I wonder....rUłGoing home tomorrow. After almost an year. I feel strange. Very strange. Dunno why :( Hope the trip is a good one. There are so many complications floating all around me..... I hope I can forget all that and just enjoy my vacation. I just hope !!!r‘U5Just a test post to see if comments option is workingr’TI had got my PAN number. But they never sent me my PAN card as promised. And when I called them up to find out the reason, they didnt have any convincing answer. I had to reapply for the card. And again fill all those thousand forms and submit hundreds of documents. Man these people are pathetic. Why cant they be more efficient and have a better process in place. I guess they are the ones who need all these ISO, CMM certifications. Though considering the way things have becoming, I really doubt if anything will change the scenario.r“TæDamn. Something is terribly wrong with my blog. When I view it in Netscape I see a huge font. It covers most of the window and I am not even able to see the links to my archives and all. If I see it in IE, for one of the archives it shows me my previous template and a lot of junk. I have lost all the comments to my previous posts :( Thanks Gaurav for pointing this out. Man , does anyone know why this is happening? I am not too conversant with html and all. Anyways, have been thinking a lot of late. About what is it that I want in life and deep down inside me I have realized I am not the kind of person I thought I was. I am not so strong as I thought I was. I am not the Prerna I thought I was. And believe me thats one hell of a scary feeling. I mean suddenly you realize that you are not what you should have been. Maybe I knew this all along but was scared to accept it. Maybe we all know. Maybe we all actually are not the people we think we are.r”TĒWell today happens to be a compensatory working saturday. Man so much for making up for the loss of productivity. 50% of the people havent turned up.Most of the remaining people came in late and are either chatting, or surfing the net. In my whole team, we are just 4 out of 25 people who have turned up for work (???)... Man thats what compensatory working days are for :):).. Compensating for lost surfing times, missed out laccha sessions and sleep :))r•TsHavent been able to blog for quite sometime now. Almost a month I must say. Well no particular reason. Just was busy with this and that. Well the latest from my end is that I shifted to a new house. I simply love this place. Its the best house I have lived in ever since I came to bangalore. I am so thrilled. I am not a big cleanliness freak, but believe me I have been taking extra care in making sure that nothing is messed up. I wonder if I am like this in a rented house what would it be like when I have my own. I am just waiting for it. Finally, managed to put my snaps online too. The link is http://albums.photo.epson.com/j/AlbumList?u=4218129. Have realized that suddenly I have become quite a satisfied person. Very unlike me. I used to a person who wanted so much more out of life. I am not sure if thats a good thing or bad. On one hand its good to be satisfied as it gives so much peace of mind, on the other hand, it leads to stagnation in growth. Not too sure which way to go.. Not that I have stopped aspiring for things, but I dont get too disappointed if I dont get those. Guess need to do a bit of thinking on that...r–T{Well, all in all things are going well. Day two went well yesterday and I tried to report it to my journal on www.BFL101.com but it is down. Since Monday a.m. I've dropped 4 1/2 lbs of water weight (who's kidding who here - I KNOW it is water) but weight is weight and it feels good. I've eaten clean for two whole days (except for a nip of Brandy last night) and it feels terrific. Yesterday I rode my bike indoors on the windtrainer for a whole 20 minutes! I can't wear my regular brace when I do that because it only gives my 90deg of movement, and I need about 115 to ride. So I wore the tensor, which seemed to be enough. And I iced it down after. Today is a weights day. I will get going after I drop the kids off. Kyle had a friend over yesterday and they spent hours on the computer going to funny links. A couple are great star trek TNG clips. I'll have to try to find them. LCSr—TĘWhich I already knew, of course, but I am feeling pretty sorry for myself. Three and a half weeks ago I tore ligaments in my left knee, effectively curtailing most fun for the next several months. PMO!!! Anyway - the good news is that the bruising has now faded, the swelling is down, I can walk further than I could even a couple days ago. The bad news is that I am still wearing this silly brace and using a cane. The physiotherapist said I "did a real number" on my LCL and illotibial band (sp?) and can expect the healing process to take a while. It could have been worse right? I could have broken my leg or completely torn the LCL. It could have been my right leg and I wouldn't be able to drive. So much for paddling this summer. At this point I still can't bend my knee far enough to get or out of a boat. I CAN still do weights though and I had a short somewhat successful trial on my indoor bike a couple days ago. I walked around the bloack today too - not exactly the 10km run I wished I was doing, but a few days ago I could only make it halfway around and today the whole loop was easy. Progress, progress. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and ride my bike (indoors again) after I do my physio exercises.r˜TU"All right," Damien said as he hurried up the stairs to the rooms where the Snow family and Joel lived above their store. The bathroom was the second to last room at the end of the hall, right next to Damien's bedroom. He closed the door behind him, not bothering to lock since there was only Joel around. As he kicked off his flip flops, Damien also threw his beach towel into the clothes hamper beside the sink. The he finally pulled down his swimming trunks which were still wet and made a squeaky sound when brushed against the skin of his legs. Those were also tossed in the clothes hamper. Damien stepped into the shower stall and turned the water on. A quick spray of cold water hit him before it finally turned warm. Maybe we'll catch a movie on Pay-Per-View , the boy thought as he squeezed out some shampoo from a bottle that was close to being empty. His face wore a happy expression as he thought of spending time with his big brother without his parents around to remind him that it was time to go to bed. "I have him all to myself." While Damien worked up a lather and scrubbed furiously to get the clorine out of his hair, he noticed how good it felt to have the warm water running down his prepubescent body after such a long day of carefree play. After rinsing his hair, Damien reached for the soap and when his mind wandered to thoughts of Joel he suddenly got a visual in his mind of Joel taking a shower. The boy's face burned with embarressment at the idea of such a thing. "No... why am I thinking that?" The bar of soap dropped from Damien's hands. He reached down to pick it up and tried to banish such thoughts of Joel from his mind, having no idea what caused them in the first place. "What's wrong with me?" Damien whispered to himself as he rubbed his soapy hands over his body, cleansing physically despite his dirty mental state of mind.r™TaHe really is rather childish, Joel mused to himself when he heard Damien babble on and on about his adventures at the pool which mostly involved playing around with pushing the girls into the pool. He felt no jealousy or possessive nature towards the boy, and why would he? The college student wasn't in love nor did he have any particular strong feelings that would warrant him to be selfish like that. It was true that he liked Damien. He found the boy cute and refreshing to be around. When he had applied for a part time work at Sweet Delight, he could have never known that the little brunette would become his next "project". And that's exactly what Damien was to Joel; a "project." As a teenager, Joel discovered how thoroughly he was interested in playing around with people and the control that came along with it. There was something so delightfully splendid about the masquerade that was required in order to convince people of this and that. He would string them along with glorious lies and adapt to press what his current "project" Occasionally Joel would wonder if, somewhere along the way, he'd eventually loose sight of who he really was since. What a funny notion... He thought for a moment about the question. His mind could think of several plans of actions he could take. "Well," Joel begun, "We can order pizza tonight since I'm lazy and don't want to cook." "As for you, I think you should go take a bath or shower. I'm guessing you didn't wash your hair at the pool?" Damien nodded. "You need to get the chlorine out of it," he explained and checked his watch again. "It's closing time, so how you wait for me and then we go up shortly?" Joel smiled, figuring that Damien would more than likely agree. The boy could be quite accommodating an, in certain ways, Damien looked like he had an innocent crush on the older male. That's what Joel thought anyway.ršTŽDamien noticed Joel's eyes lingering on his body. Perhaps he was looking to see if the boy was sunburned, but Damien knew all he would see is the golden tan he had. This brought a blush to his cheeks, although he was unsure exactly why. "It was fun. We kept throwing the girls into the deep end and they were screaming for us to stop." His face lit up as he told of his escapades with his friends and he didn't let Joel's expression bother him in the least. He continued to relay the events of the afternoon in a bubbly tone that only a child could possess. Damien's thoughts were of innocent fun, completely impervious of the older man's unspoken intentions. After several minutes of recounting the day's events, Damien realized that he didn't know what was planned for this evening. "What are we going to do tonight, Joel?" Damien was excited that his parents had left him behind instead of dragging him along with them on vacation. They didn't realize how embarrassing it was for a twelve-year-old boy to hang out with his parents during such outings. Even though Joel was babysitting him while the rest of the family was away, Damien felt more independent. He still loved his parents yet he had reached that age where children begin to distance themselves from their family and spend more time with friends and role models. In this particular case, Joel was both. Even though Joel often babied him, Damien felt special since the college student genuinely wanted to spend a lot of time with him.r›T/Joel easily greeted the boy with kind, deceiving eyes and a very friendly expression. He'd been waiting for this type of situation for months now and just when he was beginning to despair, thinking that he'd never be able to finally be alone with Damien, he lucked out with the boy's parents feeling the need vacation. Proving himself as an upstanding, wholesome college student that truly cared for the Snow family (Damien especially) and their business had been quite a task for Joel. It also required patience on his part since the image he was portraying wasn't true to himself. Despite the charade he was currently taking part in, Joel found out what he was acting was enjoyable. It wasn't necessarily fun to be the nice and caring guy, but there was something appealing about it. "Welcome back. How did the swimming go?" Joel asked, looking down and quickly shut off the radio after some horrible teeny bopper song had started. When he faced Damien again, Joel let his eyes licentiously roam over the boy's body. The twelve year old's medium brown hair was closer to a coffee color since it was still rather damp and in the process of drying off. It was messy and cutely sticking up in places. Obviously Damien hadn't bothered to do anything with it. A used towel was carelessly wrapped around his neck and currently was the only thing on his upper body. The boy was tanned, but not excessively so. Joel had never cared for the extremes concerning skin complexion. Wet, but not dripping swimming trunks clung to the boy's hips and legs. Damien's feet were in casual flip flops, which enhanced the boyish and easy going look. Joel was all too aware that if he let his mind wonder, he'd end up getting aroused which may have caused problems. The blonde needed to be careful with how things were going to advance. He expected that some difficulty would result, but not a lot. The last two years the college student had been extremely observant of Damien and was fairly confident that he understood the boy. To assure success, Joel knew it depended on his controlled and thought out actions.rœTķThe warm sun felt good to Damien as he was walking home and it slowly dried his wet body from where he had been swimming with his friends at the public pool. He knew his parents would have already left by the time he'd arrive home so that's why he'd said his goodbyes before he'd left with his peers earlier. His damp towel was draped around his shoulders and he carried his nearly empty bottle of sunblock in one hand, which reminded him that he'd have to ask Joel for some money to go get some more. Joel ... Over time Damien had come to think of him as an older brother, someone to confide his deepest secrets to moreso than his own friends. There were things in Damien's life that he would have felt embarressed discussing with his parents, but with Joel it seemed easier to talk about what was on his mind. Lost in thought Damien suddenly found himself in front of Sweet Delight. He could see Joel inside listening to the radio and tapping to the beat. Damien knew it couldn't be Joel's preferred choice of music because the man refrained from listening to such harsh lyrics since there was a young child living there. A smile came to Damien's face as he opened the door and walked inside, causing the bell to jingle overhead and Joel to turn around.rT:A sugary smile was on Joel's face as he pleasantly waved goodbye to the couple in the car. His current employers who also let him board with them had decided to leave for a vacation to the Virgin Islands. It was the twenty-one year old's second year working at Sweet Delight-- a lovely little candy store that was quite liked in the neighborhood. Over the time Joel had worked part time (he only worked full time in the summer since he was attending college) he'd demonstrated that he was more than able to handle the affairs for the next few weeks. Besides the responsibilities that came with completely taking care of the business, he was also babysitting their son, Damien, who was twelve. When the car could no longer be seen, Joel turned around and headed back into the store, a bell ringing when the door opened. Light blue eyes glanced around the shop, making sure that everything was in order. Joel gave a content sigh, pleased that he didn't need to straighten up anything. He was also happy that the store would be closing soon. He strode over behind the counter and turned on the radio, tapping his fingers to the addicting pop beat. The song was sickeningly sweet and on the pathetic side. Joel preferred rock with angry, screamed lyrics, but obviously that wasn't suitable to be playing in this type of environment. He looked down at his watch, growing a little impatient that he still had around thirty minutes left before he could begin closing up the store. "Damien should be back soon," Joel commented. And somehow that realization caused a small grin to form on his place.ržT˜I had a movie marathon session with my friends last Saturday, after Teza treated us at Krocodile. Teza, Lod and I watched urlLink I, Robot : urlLink Rating? I give it a 7 out of 10. Why? Wala lang. Basta hindi lang sha 10.=) After that, Teza and I watched urlLink King Arthur . Lod had to go since he has work at 8pm, and the first movie was done 5pm. He has to go home and change his clothes pa.=) urlLink Rating? 6? Well, between the 2 movies that we've seen, I liked I,Robot better since King Arthur bored the hell out of me. But it was a good film. Labo. Basta. I have plans of watching Along came Polly later.=) Addict!rŸUĢLa lang. I just find this nice. It's from a friends blog that costs so much! Go Belle!: You are today where your thoughts have brought you...You are tommorow where your thoughts can take you. Peace.r TAI've read one book of the said author, which is urlLink Stardust , and I'm reading another one now, urlLink Neverwhere . So far, I can say that I admire urlLink Neil Gaiman for his creativeness. I am intrigued as to where he gets his ideas. Anyway, I just wanna share that. I'm going home now....EARLY!!!!! Yehey!r”Tž Yes, I am trying to make my blog a little better, nicer. But, I don't think I like how it turned out. It doesn't have that "strong look"....However, this has more features on it, so, I'll go for it in the meantime. My blog is not the only thing that I'm trying to "salvage" as of the moment. there is an ongoing issue here on the floor about supervisors and their relationship with their agents. When do we determine that one is not performing properly? When do we say that one doesn't have the "people skills" needed? Such hard questions to answer. But, this is something that I have to try to address before escalating to my manager. This is a test of my managerial skills! Haha! Another issue that I'm trying to salvage: my "friendship" with the love of my life...I've waited, and have been waiting still...to no avail. I was able to chat with him earlier. And as expected, we talked about it again... S: nanjan ka pa rin ba para sa kin? R: why do you ask? S: la lang... R: hindi pwedeng wala lang...naniniguro ka lang eh. S: hindi no. bkt mo naman nasabi yun? R: eh kasi y bother asking? S: wala nga lang... R: eh kung sabihin kung oo? S: eh di oo... R: kasi naman puro ganito na lang tayo...ayaw pa kasi eh...hehe S: ayaw ano? R: ayaw pang ako na lang...=) S: masisira lang buhay mo sa kin R: bkt mo naman nasabi yun? S: baka lang R: puro ka baka...y do u think so? S: ewan R: magbibitiw ka ng salita tapos di mo alam kung bkt? S: hindi ko nga alam R: it just puzzles me...how can one's life be ruined if that something that she's been wanting for is given to her? S: akala mo lang yan len... R: marunong ka pa sa kin. di mo naman madefend own reactions mo. S: di ko nga alam kung bkt...basta lang...baka lang...wag mo na kasi tinatanong dahil hindi ko talaga alam ang sagot. ...Not the end of our conversation, but it was the end of that topic. He will never give me a straight answer. I will never be slapped with the truth....But I do know what the truth is...I've always known it, I just refuse to accept it. We're too close as friends that changes will be hard to face. It's scary to think that if things do not work out the way we expect it, everything will disappear, even the friendship that we have. Who knows, baka tama sha na masisira lang pala ang buhay ko sa kanya? It is possible that the things we want most may not really be beneficial to us. Ewan. yan lang din ang masasabi ko dahil hindi ko rin naman magawang kalimutan siya. I guess I can make things better by not entertaining thoughts like this anymore.r¢T›My friends and I watched The Prince and Me after hanging out at Segafredo. We just wanted to see a light movie. urlLink Reaction after the movie? Pelikula nga sha. Complete with all the mushiness and close to impossible scenes. I can't help but wonder, when does something become a fairytale, and when can it be considered reality? I guess it's something relative...What could be achieved by others may be a fairytale for me, and vice versa. Ang sa kin lang naman...maging kami ng love of my life ko is a fairytale na...pero to all the girls he loved before, and he is loving now (kung meron man), it's not a fairytale. So, what is a fairytale for you?r£TüWritten. 22. October. 1999 Vestigion Darkness crowds in against the warm, living parts of me. Pushes against the wet, hot, hidden places I keep secret from even myself. Red and wet, like my probing tongue against your ear, like my lips sliding over your tongue- teasing you with what I'd like to do to you. But later, much later, after the Darkness smothers us, makes us cling to each other- as seductive as black lace on sweat. Pain is pleasure, sublime torture Sometime in the night the music died, the Darkness crowded in again, oblivion in the bottom of a bottomless cup. Living information and I draw it in with each breath, strip mining and raping it for all the pertinent details before exhaling the waste- filled with meaning. And there's you, rubbing, sighing, wooing, coaxing the secret from me, breathing in what I breath out, asking me to come again when its over, to call and hang and share all the warm, wet, living information of Vestigion Darkness- with you- And shall I feel afraid?r¤TōWritten. 11. January. 2000 I have this body of work something to behold, to see, to read its bulky, jagged in places, but its mine. I definitive cross section of who I am- indelible proof of my need for therapy or drugs. Bi-polar, split personality, borderline schizophrenia- all of these things are in my head. The order of things was never in question. How was that order broken? Pre-thought thoughts microcosms in your eyes. I can't live like this. I can't go on not knowing, any longer.r„TrWritten. 14. October. 1999 Somewhere Somewhere in the Darkness lost- a girl child cried out for her Mother. No one answered. Somewhere in the light of day a Mother left her girl to fend for herself. She never looked back. Death comes as an end Sublime peace for a chaotic life. Somewhere in the Darkness lost a girl child cried out. Silence answered with no answer. Lost inside the dead of night, near the hour of the wolf, a love starved woman gave birth to pain, bitterness, and hate. Trapped inside the suffering of life a girl child screamed in mute need, letting go of trust, hope, and love.r¦T£Written. 7. September. 1999 I would like to state for the proverbial record, that the events that have taken place these last months here in San Antonio are by no means morally, legally, or justifiably correct. I took part in them firstly because I wanted to, and secondly because they were a means to an end for me in a time of my life that needed extreme means to reasonable, rational ends. I took part in these acts because they were exciting, they were wrong, and because to me, they played to that dark fiendish side of myself that I keep so well hidden; of course, I could've done them simply for their arrogance. ( Again, I never finished this either. )r§TęWritten. 8. August. 1999 I'm dying, did you know? And I'm trying so hard to pretend I'm not, to fool myself and everyone else. There are all these words locked inside of me, and they won't come out. I just want someone to hold me. PLEASE! I feel so alone, and lost, and it hurts just to breath. Please, somebody help me! I sleep all the time because that's the only time when it doesn't hurt, when I don't exhaust myself by trying to double think myself into happiness. I just want to be able to talk to someone. About anything. I feel so completely locked inside myself and no one seems to want to listen. I just want some attention. I sit on this bed day after day and I watch them- ( I never got to finish this )rØTžWritten. 21. October. 1999 Mehe Nihil Soom- Though Everything I used to be a very shy, lonely girl. I say girl because I was over 18, but not yet a woman within myself. I was 18, but still clinging to all my childhood pain and anger, still embracing my teen angst and rebellion; it was all I had to keep me alive. To keep me from gathering the courage to see what was on the Other Side. For a year there had been a man who'd been training me, preparing me for things to come, teaching me, forcing me to become more than the sum of my broken parts. Broken parts- the means were there, but all my foundations were in ruins, and this man, my man, was trying to build on top of rubble. I had a restless spirit and a bad home life, so I left. Proverbially to sow my wild oats. 2 years and my first criminal record later I came home, only different. Before, I had been nothing, though everything was there for me to be something. It took countless miles, terrible prices and soul searing agonies to become what I am. Rape, near homelessness, jail, even a conversation with death, but I'm here. It took 2 years to realize that I had it all, I just needed to lift it up, clear out the rubble and lay solid groundwork. Formulas were never my forte. I went about it all backwards. Built the tower before I poured the foundation. Grew into the woman before I knew she was me. No one wants to suffer, to know pain and sorrow. Especially not me, and for so long I thought that was my purpose in life, to live in pain. It wasn't that. I was learning. From each new horror and crisis and fire to walk through there was a lesson, a boundary of myself to break through. Last month I realized that for the first time. In everything learn something. Be it good or bad, carry it with you always, for you'll have need of it again. Last month I became a woman at the age of 21. Remember that, when you're happiest, and when you're saddest, but especially when you're simply feeling fine. From eveything, learn something. From joy learn to smile. From pain know that joy will follow. But perhaps most importantly- never leave the house without clean underwear. You never know when that bus won't stop just because its a red light.r©T€Written. 20. October. 1999 The One You Want To Be Calm but unbroken, Tame but unbridled Fettered but free So you smirk my way tell me I'm headstrong and I laugh in your face. I know the soft parts of me, the womanly needs in me, I know how to cross my ankles when I sit. I know the pains of love and the scars of hate. I know ridicule and jest and maliciousness. I know my limits I know how to break them. I know what turns me on, what keeps me going- I know the ending to my own story- know the price I pay for this knowledge, feel the shackles of responsibility... But I know how to rattle my chains and still get what I want. You'll never break me. You'll never bridle me. And I'll always be free. So go on and and smirk and think you know me better- I know me, the soft and the hard, the gentle and the strong, delicate and steely. I know me. I'm the one you want to be.rŖTŒWritten.20. October. 1999 Without my Warrior Heart It is said home is where the heart is, How can that be? Tattered, frayed, bloody, scarred heart that stubbornly continues to beat, to Love, to Hope- Despite Fate itself. How can Home be there, on that already Sundered battlefield? Home is where you take your heart, Here, there, geography matters not Mountains or oceans, forests or deserts- Home is where you take your heart. Without my Warrior heart- Nothing would be Home, even heaven. Without my Warrior heart, I would not be what I am, Alive, strong, wise and naive, Without my Warrior heart- I would not be Home-Within myself.r«T"Written 22. March. 2000 You are Me. You're cool, when I'm hot. You're subtle, when I'm bold. You're tactful, when I'm brash. You're smooth, when I'm rough. You're suave, when I'm uncouth. You are everything I'm not when I need you to be. You are all that I am when I'm not myself. You are the sun and the moon and the stars when I am Darkness and Nothing and Void. You are my worst nemesis, you are my dearest lover, my harshest critic, my tragic seer. You are me, when I look in the mirror, and see my reflection... from your eyes.r¬TBWritten 9. October. 1999 Taunting Taunting, in the vague shiftlessness of Darkness, a teasing laugh, a tender smile- What am I seeing? Truth- my own wishes, simply what I want to see, or something more... Something deeper, hints of longing. A delusion for a love starved heart, a bittersweet dream for touch starved skin- flushed and heated beneath my fingers- wet and sticky agaunst my tongue. Legs, long and tone- arms wrapped tight A blood filled heart beathing rythym with mine- For the Blood is the Life. . . And shall I feel afraid?r­T7Written 1. March. 2000 Merely Sleep Its soft here, Behind my eyes, sensuous, neither dark nor light, A moment of just Being. Feel my breath Float on sound, Exist in the rythym. Turning and flowing Notes caress my face the way a breeze would Cooling me, fooling me, Such sweet repose Drifting over Mind's Landscapes. And There is Serenity, There is Peace Feel me breath Rising higher, wanting more nestled among worlds Sure of everything, everywhere, every when Absolute Bliss To be behind my eyes in the right moment. The rest is merely sleep.r®T2Written 5. February. 2000 Down In the Jungle Down in the jungle Where the hard ones and the horrors play, in a thorny grove of decadent decay lies the heart of the matter. The seat of the soul at the base of madness' origin. Down in the jungle, sickly sweet and humid with fright.rÆUŽI'm trying to make this page more reader friendly. And I'm gathering up the energy to transcribe some more stuff. So bear with me, please.r°T&Well. So far so good. I've got an awful case of acid reflux at the moment, so this will be short and sweet. If anyone would like to comment on the poems or writings here, feel free to do so at witchylass@hotmail.com. Anyway, I need to get rid of this feeling of being eaten by acid, so ttfn.r±Te Written 10. October. 1999 I swear there's a certain ennui trickling within me. A languid sort of viewing, perception of the world that worries me almost more than the situation from which it originates. I took a breath, and my whole world fell away when I exhaled, and I was forced to look at all the foundations on which I'd built the city of me. What I found was less than solid construction. So I razed all the old foundations and in record time rebuilt using all new, indestructable materials. Solid as the oak, but with the power to bend as the willow, and offer shelter to others in the storms. Perhaps its just a fanciful metaphor for saying that I changed my life's values and perceptions in the space of a week. o maybe I like verbosity. But even that irreverence is part of who I am. I thought my time in Atlanta was hell. It was everything a tearjerking, anger inciting, heart anguishing Lifetime movie of the week should be. I nearly died in Atlanta. And so I thought Atlanta was my hell. It turns out San Antonio was. For the first time I knew true, paralyzing, fork against your fillings tasting terror. And in the three days I lost contact with the outside world, my life shattered around me. I was homeless, friendless, penniless, and had nothing but the phone numbers in my head and the clothes on my back. In the month since that time I have had to push the limits of who I am and what I was capable of to the breaking point- and beyond. I've swallowed all my pride and given up every spark of dignity. But by doing so, I broke all my own boundaries and rebuilt all my crumbling foundations- I renovated who I was. Became who I am. Its only in the last month that I finally gave up all my childish trappings and become a woman. I'm not preaching. Gods know I had enough of that from my Mother last week. I guess what I'm saying is never give up. I know how it can be so tempting to drop your head onto the pillow of eternal sleep. But its not as fun as seeing just how strong you are. It sucks while its happening, but when its all over- Gods it feels almost better than sex. I couldn't begin to tell you what's on the other side of life, but for me- its infinitely more fun to see how far I can go, how much of my own potential I can fulfill. No matter what though, be true to you. Because its not really worth it if you're not.r²T•written 2. November. 2000 Flip your hair and take a walk- on the not so wild side. Breakdown in a break up ruined life in a ruined date and what do you know of true pain? Of silent screams and bleeding wounds that will never be seen, never be healed. Do you nails and jog around the block of your upper middle class suburbia. Never mind the wrong side of the tracks where the down trodden struggle to feed children who dodge bullets on the way to school. Don't you worry about a thing, dear. But don't expect anything from me except gleeful laughter when the inevitable happens- and you tumble from your slick little pedestal- into my dementia.r³TlFirst written 22. December. 2000 Sovereignty of my Soul. There is but one Mistress here, and no master. I hold the key, and the lock, and the Universe resides in my soul. Made of star stuff and filled with light, and I alone hold control of its destiny. An eternity of knowledge fused into flesh and sinew, blood and bone. By Divine right I sit upon my Throne of Scone and royal fiant alone bind my commands. I am High Queen, and Master Sorceress and kin to the dragon of my heart. Gods alone know the razor edge I walk on the verge of continual disaster. But I alone am Sovereign of my Soul, and I alone pay for my mistakes. I alone bring about my fate; I alone must face it straight. So there will never be master here, and only myself mistress, for I am the Sovereign of my Soul. Would that I did not have to rule... alone.r“TĢForewarned is forearmed. So they say. The saying sometimes is easier than the doing, a thing we already know. The majority of the postings here will be transcriptions. Journals, essays, poems, snatches of short stories. In short, all that which make sme who I am. Writing comes more naturally to me than breathing oftentimes. But I need a permanent residence for those scribbling and bibblings as Mozart put them, and so here is where I choose to do so. And here they can not be tarnished, nor used, nor stolen from me and destroyed in a fit of adolescent temper. my goal in this is two fold. Firstly I wish to have a chronological record of my life, or at least all I was able to save from the Hell and go on to do. Secondly I want to be remembered. My greatest fear is being forgotten, that after my death my life, my mind, my heart will simply fade away, like the dust of the earth I return to. In this medium I can assuage myself of that fear somewhat. So I begin with a poem written little less than a month ago, though some entries will date back years. Be assured that I will preface each one with the original date beforehand. And now I bid you adieu for this evening, and welcome.... to the world of me.rµTSThis is MY letter to the world. A detailing of all the slings and arrows this outrageous fortune of a life has chosen to throw at me thus far. As it was, as it is, as it shall ever be. Each moment is a learning experience. And each lesson is an opportunity to grow, to change, to become more fully what we truly are. So read as you will, learn if you want. But if you walk away from my pontifications with one thing, walk away knowing that this is just one perception in a Universe of perceptions. And it may never write to me.... but this Is my letter to the world. This lifetime, anywayr¶TžWritten. 31. January. 2001 (This was comissioned by a very dear friend of many lifetimes. Working on revisions, to be posted. ) Dreams past When we are able, not to look beyond- but beneath. When dreams past fade, spins into shadow- becomes lessons learned. When time slips not away, but spins outward into infinity and back again. When the faces we wear no longer are masks, but facets of ourselves Only then will we see the whole, see the Universe in the blinding light of truth. But not blind for the we shall SEE the soul beneath- know the spirit true heart that makes up our existence. Linger not in the shadows, in the realm of dreams past. Move into the light of truth, the gravity of love. Look beneath. Look to the Soul. Only then- will we know peace.r·TŗWritten. 4. November. 2000 A blank sheet of lined paper, like this, is intimidating to me. I feel compelled to write, but when I open the notebook, and the blank page is before me- I clam up. Its like some twisted version of performance anxiety. Time and again this happens and it never fails to leave me frustrated and unfulfilled. As though I'm taking some cosmic test of merit, intelligence, and inevitably I think I'm going to fail.røTŗWritten. 4. November. 2000 A blank sheet of lined paper, like this, is intimidating to me. I feel compelled to write, but when I open the notebook, and the blank page is before me- I clam up. Its like some twisted version of performance anxiety. Time and again this happens and it never fails to leave me frustrated and unfulfilled. As though I'm taking some cosmic test of merit, intelligence, and inevitably I think I'm going to fail.r¹TæWritten. 11. January. 2000 There's something about a roast beef sandwich at 5 in the morning that's just bliss. Absolutely wonderful. Too bad I don't have the energy for another one. One should be enough. Nobody's been in anyone else's shoes. We all have our own private pains. Its how we deal with them, integrate them into our shared lives that defines who we are individually. I have this frustrating feeling like everything I write has been written before, like the same perception has been explained by someone else, and so I'm just copying. There is nothing new under the sun and Gods how finely I feel it, how precisely, how keenly. How many variations on the same can there truly be?rŗT›Written. 11. January. 2000 sitting in the tub, head bent- the spray showering down on me; its silent, except for the water And its a small thing, but I love it, you can't take it from me. the lines in a hand, tendons flexing, veins bubbling to the surface- such aesthetic beauty to me- such wonder in a hand, you can't take it from me. I'm running away from the change. From the knowledge. From the being. From the doing. I don't know how to break through I don't know how to get anyone to listen to me. I wrap myself in silence, blanket my world with denial, so that I don't have to face it. I'll never get what I want that way. I don't know what I want.r»Tž(No date on this on, but done late Sept.-Oct. 2000) Tell me what it means to be one of the chosen ones And maybe I'll choose you. Show me what it is to know arms around me, and maybe I'll wrap mine around you. Give me access to just one hour of your love, your reason for living, and maybe I'll let myself fall in love with you. Teach me to feel the fullness of life and death, And maybe I'll learn to revere you.r¼T‚Written. 11. August. 2000 Precious Gems All the glitters is gold, But not all gold is worthwile. Fool's gold, thieving deceiver, Tightropes treacherously walked over pipe dreams, Phantom Hopes, Glittering brightly, waiting to be snatched Away. Diamonds are forever, But hope soon whithers, sundered. Flashing in the harsh sun, Dangling happiness like prisms- Rainbow colours on the walls Icy talons eager to rip, shred, Tear me from myself. Sapphires sparkle, Flowing like tears, mine And deepen into obsidian flakes- Chipping at my heart- Until my blood runs like rubies Fevered attempts at self preservation A treasure chest of pain.r½T°Written. 16. August. 2000 ( The original is of course, in pencil ) God damn, pencil I can't stand using pencil. Nor can I abide erasing with it. I need the permanence of ink, the starkness of jelly roll styling. I needs PENS! I'm a writer, I write. I am attempting to catch every moment of my life on paper. Do I want to go back later and change it? Edit and rework it until it is no longer a moment I captured as it happened? Do I want to erase the life I'm trying to encapsulate in indelible grammar? So how the bloody, buggery hell am I supposed to use pencil?!?!?!?! Pencil implies fleeting, temporary, not meant to linger. It feels faded and inconstant, easily marred and taken away. Its like taking back something I did, or said, or thought, or wanted. Oh, I'll just erase it and it will never have happened. Its like saying I can move ahead without looking back. Then, THEN!, there's the physical. Two paragraphs from the top and I'm nearly on my third pencil- they wear down so easily! Too fast! First the line starts out thin, distinct, sharp and crisp. But then as you continue the thinness flattens, becomes fat, lazy. You find yourself pushing harder, holding the damn thing at wierd angles to get more readable letters. Your fingers hurt, your penmanship falters and your level of frustration grows exponentially with each fat lazy, indistinct letter until- you change to a new, sharp, clean lined pencil. At least for a little while. And after all that bullshit, if you're very lucky, in a week it won't be so faded you can't read it. More often than not, though, it will be nearly gone, lost forever to the redundancy of smudging graphite. God damn, pencilr¾T(Again, no date, though I know this was written at least 4 or more years ago. Please note: As with a number of other poems, this one is meant to be centered down the page. Unfortunately, either blogger doesn't have that feature, or I haven't figured out how to access it...yet. ) Wicca Phallus. Womb. Fertility religion. Invoke the Goddess in her earthly form. Earth. Water. Fire. Air. Strength of Stone. Power of Light. The circle opens. The coven unites. Heated tantric dance. Fearless. Careless. The invocation is completed. The praise is given. The spells are cast. The beauty seen. The wonder awed. The gods thanked. Phallus and womb become one. The seeds are offered. The circle closes. The Persecution. The Burning. The Hanging. The Ignorance. The Hatred Reigns. The Rape of the magic. The Loss of the Truth. Dispersion. Secrecy. Solitary Practices. The Fear of Discovery. The Careful Steps. Silent Offerings. Hidden Desires. Coupling in the darkness of ignorance. Praises given under the veil of disguise. The magic remains alive. The Darkness lifts. The Bold step into the Light. The Courageous reunite. The Coven forms again. A new Age begins. Ignorance is smothered in wonder. Left festering in the blackened hearts. To be reborn as the Wheel begins to turn again. The Darkness will fall anew. The Hatred will rule again. But the Magic will remain sacred. The Truth will remain hidden. The Practices will continue. The Covens formed. The circles cast. Wicca will remain alive. Blessed be the Gods. So Mote it be.ræT? Written. 22. September. 1995 Cigarette. The young woman sat on the dock in her jeans and her NIN shirt. She wasn't really looking at the water as much as she was looking through it. Clear through to the murky depths of her psyche. Anyone seeing her there would've thought her to be a statue. Although the guys who drove past thought she was a pretty good looking statue with her knee pulled up so her arm could rest on it while her other leg dangled over the side of the dock. But she doesn't notice her surroundings. She's too preoccupied with her own mental introspection to care about anything else. 'This has got to stop. I can't live like this anymore. Never again. Someone help me. Never again. Quoth the raven, Nevermore.' Why does she always get off track? The young woman slowly lets her eyes focus on the water around her. Its green and colorfully murky, with an oily covering. She delicately reaches into her shirt pocket and draws out a long, slender cigarette and a lighter. Carefully, she lights the cigarette, takes a large, nicotine filled drag, and replaces her lighter. She watches the smoke as she blows it out, noticing the swirls and inconsistencies of its patterns. She languidly flicks an ash into the water and watches it try to stay afloat. Her life is a paradox. She can't think. She can't cry. She can't feel. She simply focuses all her remaining energy on smoking her cigarette. She lays back, enjoying the feel of the wooden planks under her back. She takes another addiction guaranteeing drag and exhales sensuously, as if she were in a deep, long term relationship with her cigarette. In a sense she is. The cigarete has her undivided attention, her absolute focus to the act of sucking in and blowing out. The art of french inhaling is like a long lost lover's kiss. At least to the woman. Briefly, her attention leaves her cigarette and refocuses on the calming polluted waters around her. Hindsight is always 20-20. But she can't go back now. The bridge was burned. Along with the rest of her heart. The young woman closes her eyes and lets a barely audible sigh escae her slightly parted lips. One small, clear, delicate tear seeps out of the corner of her eye and leaves a salty, sorrowful track down her face. She takes another drag. She is determined to finish her cigarette.rĄTWritten. 27. November, 2000 I feel like Madame Bovary, only without the opportunity to take on lovers and thereby spill passion everywhere. Any real feeling I have for this world or the people in it is so far gone from me as to never have existed. I AM comfortably numb.rĮTWritten. 18. May. 2000 What's it like to write, to really write? To start with a single word on a blank, virginal page and add to it? To watch this child, grow and mature, page after page, until at last you look before you and you've borne a work, purely from the bits and pieces in your head. What's it like to look upon this body of work and know that you created it, breathed life into it? And how do you then offer it up for the world to tear apart or elevate to godhood as it chooses? Once I know the answers to these questions- do I dare to create? Or leave those creations inside of myself where they'll be protected and nurtured and never subject to the persecution and torment and lamentation of existence? Do I even have time to worry about any of this?rĀTÆWritten. 13. February. 2001 ( Yes, this is the most recent poem I've written. And its silly, but its kind of cute, too. ) Sleepy Nap Time Its raining soft, light, the kind that makes you want to curl up- take a nap. The sky is gray, but not oppressing. just shadowy enough that you can throw the curtains open, and sleep comfortably in the light. Bed's warm, dark sheets, fluffy blankets, perfect with the egg crate foam underneath cozy and inviting me, a doorway to dream land. The cat is resting, lolling, luxuriating, fitting her soft body next to mine- one eye cracked open, then close- purring next to me as we drift off into Morpheus' Lair- Floating off to Sleepy Nap Time.rĆTzWritten. 14. November. 2000 I had the oddest dream last night. Or rather a series of dreams. A family with a secret who was forced to destroy its home- and the one that sits more uneasily with me: Alison who had powers, a dragon ability, fell in love with the devil. And how he was attractive. I think I fell in love with him, too. After losing her head, she gave up her powers in order to live with him in Hell. They left, and I was to await either his return, or David's. Mother actually came, and there was a huge fight. A school type function, and then I called Him- and he was so wonderful- so alluring and captivating. He and Alison had broken up and I pleaded my case- he agreed. Then the alarm woke me up. I can never describe it well enough afterwards, can never get all the little details. Was I dreaming about Keith and this upcoming date symbolically? I wish I could find the meaning of it. Was it a warning? A test of some kind to be passed? Gods, I wish I knew. I nearly called in so I could go back to it. I'm here at work, however. And still very much affected by it. I imagine I will be for quite awhile.rÄTDWritten. 17. November. 2000 Keenly Time passes so slowly when You're so keenly aware of it. Its not like you killed someone Except perhaps yourself Choking on tedious time Gagging on inconsequential inertia Counting the seconds as your will Slithers away Leaving an empty time- So keenly aware of Its passing so slowly.rÅT'Written. 30. March. 2000 Personal Observations. So it goes. I'm trying very hard not to let the shadows over take me. Even if the shadows are in my own mind. They say you're not going insane if you can question your own sanity. I'm not so sure. But I'm trying. Trying very hard. If I'm truly unable to face up to my own past, will I finally be consumed by it? Can I stand up to my own shadows, or will I have to admit defeat and go on the 'happy' drugs? And so it goes. And I'm still trying very hard not to let the shadows overtake me.rĘUžWritten. 9. October. 2000 fly away if I could- Soar above it all and watch as it fell away to nothing. Let the current take me, blow me, flow me, twist and mold me, clean me- of all the dirt. I'd land, fresh, almost new, anonymous- And I'd start over.rĒTÕWritten. 15. October. 2000 I tried. I tried to love you- and you turned me away. I tried to live for you- and you told me I was better off dead. I tried to fight for you- and you shunned my blade. I tried to defend you- and you led yourself to slaughter. I gave you all of me, life love, soul, blood, sweat, and tears. All my sorrow, all my pain. My shame. Every ounce of control. All my joy was yours. I held the world back for you. And you just walked away.rČTĄ( This one isn't dated, but it can't have been written more than 2 months ago. ) Gentle fingers through my hair- am I consoling myself? Heated bubble bath, Am I soothing myself? Sherry sipped before a warming fire- Am I indulging myself? I'm refusing, certainly- but what I'm not sure. Give in, give up, resign myself to melancholy? To solitude and pain? Solitude maybe, but not pain I'm happy in my aloneness. I am peaceful in my silence. I win.rÉUĄ( Here's a haiku I wrote for my sister because she couldn't come up with one for class. Written in the last 3 weeks. ) Autumnal wind blows gently through my raven locks Fall is nearing fast.rŹT9Written. 12. September. 2000 I think today I think I said farewell today to all the haunts of my past Wolfie's Death Mass presided- in apropos solemnity. But I think I mourned for today all the ashen dreams, crumbled hopes Silence hovered in that sky, pregnant with accusation. And I wonder how much fight is left within me I wonder how much further I can go- Alone. If I keep breathing is it the same as fighting, or admission of laziness. If I don't have the strength to fight, am I too weak to end it? I think I said farewell today- But I'm not sure to what.rĖTiWritten. 2. October. 2000 Will It? My life My love My joy, my hate My shame, my pride- I gave it all to you. And it still wasn't enough. I've been such a very good friend Held back the world for you Carried your reality on my shoulders- So it wouldn't crumble in your face- And still it wasn't enough. It was never enough. And it never will be... Will it?rĢTWritten. 30. August. 2000 Its time for me to stop and take a breath- to look around and see what I can see. Not that I'm going too fast, But I'm too deep, too mired down in the mundane, slowly drowning without even knowing it. I have to take a step back and look at the whole of it- at least that which I can See. Perhaps I'm so deeply embedded in the little things that I've really become detached from Spirit and so yearn for adventure, for change I know I don't need. I wish I could meld the two, so I could function smoothly between, ins tead of having to flip back and forth, using energy and resources that are limited to begin with. This is my goal, to achieve fluidity; as I grow and learn I believe it can happen. Through it all there is this lethargy, a weariness that grows every day, an increasing desire for true silence. I fight myself even as I am resigning myself to the care of Spirit, and it is exhausting me. I've begun to wonder how much further I can go alone. I wonder if I even want to.rĶTVWritten. 10. January. 2000 Nothing Really. New century, new pen, new paper. Nothing really changes. Its not right, this year, it started to well, won't stop. Each night I lay me down to sleep Each morning I wake up just the same. Nothing really changes. I breath the same breath, think the same thoughts. Go through the same motions. I want to rip holes in all my shirts to see if anything looks different on the other side. I want to see through someone else's eyes. I want to make amends for my wrongs. Each night I lay me down Each breath I wonder what changed In me- Nothing, really.rĪT™Written. 7. July. 2000 So you read a poem in front of a group and you got a goodly amount of applause- maybe not the biggest, nor yet the most- but enough. To make you smile, to make you proud, to make you think maybe you're not so gawky and ungainly as you thought. Maybe, just maybe, you have some worth. Maybe. But its early yet, and there's so much more of your soul you want to expose, to lay open like a living autopsy for the eyes of others. Maybe its not time, maybe your not ready- Maybe they're not. You think you could, if the time was right, if all the facets fell into place- if the planets aligned and the Dark Crystal were healed- if Ogra knew, if Jareth made his maze easier to solve. If Hercules became a God and Xena begged to be your love slave forever- if Ares learned compassion. If all these things happen- and if I can know true love- Then what the hell, I'll let them all see... All of me.rĻT¾Written. 21. February. 2000 Work At this moment I'm sincerely wondering if we're going home early. I don't think I'd complain. I'd like to sleep, but the Ginseng is keeping me from nodding off at work. And just for the record, I think the missing link is sitting next to me. Not that it really matters, I'll take my break and with any luck be out of here by 9. I've taken to hanging up on my calls. The ones I do take always kick out in the screener. Still though, there are worse jobs than this. Its amazing the assumptions people make on sight alone. And how easily they disregard the truth if presented with it- We really are just lambs eagerly being led to the slaughter. The Bible teaching us to be better herd animals, Republicans helping us to to sodomize ourselves gleefully, and the government urging us to kill ourselves in the most painful and torturous way we can- by slowly polluting, raping, and destroying our own world around us.rŠTāWritten. 10. January. 2000 I dreamed about Death last night- and it came on a pale horse to take me away. And I dreamed about God the night before. He talked and gesticulated, and said, 'Suffer the children', but didn't give me peace. Last week I dreamt of blood- imagine that. Hot and thick, flowing in my veins nectar of the Lost Gods. Someone died in my dream two months ago. And soon after two uncles died, and I stopped to take a breath. Maybe later I'll dream about you.rŃTWritten. 22. February. 2000 ( Here's a tiny phrase that I always wanted to construct into a more in depth poem. ) Fire walk with me Because sometimes My arms bend back. Perfection is the dream of those with no imagination. We can't all be heroes, Can we?rŅT¦Written. 2. January. 2000 ( This was written about a man who I gave 5 long years to. And to whom I am still enternally bonded. We may never speak to each other again, and ours is a long, long story, but we'll always be each others. And no, it was never a romantic relationship. ) There's a feeling of justification as I sit here writing, a feeling that I did what needed to be done. Ours paths are ultimately seperate, but forever intertwined; in that respect we'll always be friends. But I need to embark on a personal journey, I need to go forward and carve my own niche, and he can't be there for that. Its the same feeling from San Antonio, and this time I HAVE to act on it- I have to heed the calling. Its time for my spark to flare to brilliant life. He heard his calling long ago. And I'm sorry if these actions and decisions hurt him, but its my turn to shine. I know how selfish that sounds, and that's not how its meant. I want him to understand, but its not necessary for me to keep going if he doesn't. Its almost as though I'm standing outside of myself watching the drama. I don't need him anymore, though I'll always want him near me. There's a transcendance here, of all the things small and material, and he knows it. The move was a catalyst only. I'm happy where I am. I'm safe. I'm excited about my future. I'm free. I'm challenged, and esteemed, and centered within myself. I'm ready. I'm not forsaking the past, nor ignoring the present. I'm finally learning all my lessons. I'm doing it without him. No bad blood, no ill will. I'm coming into my own, on my own. I feel justified. I feel right. I feel whole. I feel love. I feel alive.rÓTżWritten. 25. March. 2000 5 years ago on this day I was writing the blackest poetry of my life. Only then I didn't know what true blackness really was. I'd had a nice, healthy taste of it, no denying that, but I hadn't been beyond it, to the light, only to make the stupidest mistake and be plunged back into that darkness. Now, here, 5 years later, I've seen that light, that happiness, been able to walk that path-and yet I still made a stupid mistake. But the funny thing is it feels more like a slap on the wrist. As if the Universe has said, 'Hey now, we didn't help you achieve your freedom from the Dark so you could turn your back on it. Straighten up, now, you have a destiny to attend to.' I do have a destiny to fulfill. I will be known, remembered. So this mistake of mine won't end up amounting to much. My karma here will be short and swift and generally painless. There will be a few snags, a few tangles to work out, but in the end it won't keep me from what's ahead. And so long as I heed this slap on the wrist and go about paying my karma, I won't be any worse off than if I'd never done it. I grew complacent, and careless, and while the hidden irony of it is shaded blue- its still no one's fault but mine. So be it. I will pay, and continue on my path, and never once look back. I want to tell you a wonderous story, filled with love and happiness and dreams coming true. I want to tell you this glorious tale, but I can't. What I can tell you is a tale of unwavering devotion, of true friendship. A tale of heartbreak and tragedy, of trial and sacrifice. What I can tell you is a tale of life, and of one life in particular, and how there may not be true happy endings, but there is survival, and in the midst of darkness- there can be life.rŌTvWritten. 3. December. 1999 Been out of reach and Seperatist feeling the coming of the new age as keenly as the icy steel of the razor-against my wrist pressing in, a thin line of blood welling up- Red and wet, as tempting as any Biblical apple. Washed in the blood, And shall I feel afraid. Hell at one dark window, Death at my back, breathing down my neck Caressing my Dark side, my Isis. You're leading me astray. And I almost begged you to on my knees, giving you everything you demanded. Undeniably jealous, watching others go before me But shall I feel afraid? Or wake up- from this bittersweet nightmare? Do I want to?rÕTĢWritten. 1. April. 2000 ( This was something that popped into my head one night at work. No real context, just.. this. ) It was filled with a wonderous sound that flowed over me and through me until I thought surely I would be swept away by it. It was as though I was going to die and find before me the Elysium Fields. I stood there transfixed, seeing colors bloom behind my closed eyes in time with the music and I knew I would have this played at my passing over. The music faded finally, and slowly I opened my eyes, letting the real world take shape around me once more. I drew in a long, heart felt sigh of peacefulness and reached down to pluck a sprig of mint from the ground before setting off.rÖT Written. 9. October. 1999 Who. I lusted for you, I wanted you, I loved you with all that I am. You turned it away. In anger I cursed you, in pain I bled for you. You turned it away. I loved you. I needed you. You turned me away. But who is the stronger now?r×T¢Written. 21. November. 1999 In the shadowed darkness of moonless night- I search for you. In the cries of a new dying infant, I yearn for you. In the screams of lost innocence, I moan for you. In the heated core of my sex, I come for you. In the suffering of our existence, I live for you. In the bloodlust of timeless feedings I call to you. In the death, in the life, I will find you, I will love you, To Death.rŲTš(Unsure when this was written, as I didn't date it. Grr.) Desperate in my questing vigil lonely in my waking hour restless in the dark corners. Not quite comfortable- in this new skin. Loose threads in the raveled parts. I'm not quite- whole. Something missing, undefined. Some small stitch- in the design; I'm questing to find it. A silent, watchful vigil. Lonely when I think to be. restless as it lays undiscovered, as time flows by. Lonely, when I lay down at night, when I can't think of anything else. And I'm still searching For this elusive link, this small thing to make me- whole. Still keeping vigil, still questing- still lonely when I think to be.rŁT@Written. 2. March. 2000 How like Me I fell away from you as you reached for me. And I reached out, too, How futile of me. I thought I wanted you, when you didn't need me. And I longed to need, too, How foolish of me. I searched to find you, as you tried not to hide. And I lost you completely, how naive of me. I screamed for your release as you proved not to be captive. And in so doing shut myself away, how misguided of me. I fought to make you a dream come true And all the while you were there before me, How like me, to miss the forest for the trees.rŚT:Written. 9. June. 2000 Failure Strength of Stone Be in My Bone Power of Light Sustain my Fight In this my Darkest Hour Help me find within myself the Power When dawn afire crests the horizon Let this icy heart be no more frozen In the passage of time, the winds of change did blow This war is over, Bury me low In that my darkest hour, no Light came saving No Gallant Knight, no Gods a-waving And nothing from within my soul All was slience, Lifeless and cold. Stone as water, Light was as ink- Take off my sword, Carry me slow This war is over- And I failed.rŪTrWritten. 16. August. 1999 Just Now I am a pretty piece of flesh I am, a neatly coded set of numbers I am, A convergance of Molecular structures I am, A thought, an action, a deed I am, A sentence, a knowing, a consciousness I am, A mind, a heart, a soul I am, A sense, a touch, a taste I am, A smell, a sight, a sound I am A need, a yearning, a hunger I am, A current of running electricity I am, A nexus within my own resistance I am, A safe harbor within my own stormy seas I am, A consoler of my own cries I am, A romantic buried in cynicism I am, A quester buried in complacency I am, Watching the audience for any hint of approval I am, Slowly exposing my secrets for perusal I am, Living proof that pain can suffer I am, But half complete without my darkness I am, There always, should you have need of me I am, Just now Learning to understand who I am.rÜT»Written. 7. January. 2000 Dive Poison flowing through my veins, exploding into the chambers, of my heart. A willing overdose. Treacherous ground to walk, these legs beg run and I stand- Firmly grounded head thrown back as the wave crests over me, eyes wide to take in what I can. Teeth, shivering in my jaw from the excstasy. A poison in my body, in my blood, But Gods I love it, fall into it. Dive headfirst, Into Crysania.rŻTEAcid Steel... Conclusion. Its not possible. You can't be stalked by a figment of your own imagination. Never the less she's there. Maybe half a block behind me. I can't think straight. I'm still seeing trailers, flashes, visuals all over the place. She's amused by this. Enjoying my discomfort, my confusion, my... arousal. I AM aroused, I can feel it now, my nipples hard, warmth between my legs as I speed up, trying to put some space between us. I close my eyes to focus internally. I could walk these streets blind I know them so well. I think I want her to catch me. I'm sure I can hear her chuckle from behind me. The chase is on. I walk even faster, turning corners, feeling the hunter, reveling in being the prey. How did I get here? Oh yes, the acid. Of course. I've never been hunted by my trip before. Interesting take on things. I'm almost running now, buildings and people and colours streaking past. I can feel the wetness between my legs now, nipples so hard, aching; they could cut glass. How is this possible? Don't think, just look for- yes, there. turn down that alley. I stop, catching my breath, one hand on the wall for support. In a heartbeat she's there before me. Sweet Jesus I'm caught. Trapped. Right where I want to be. I am so thoroughly enjoying this, even if it isn't real and I'm chasing shadows. Her hands are on my shoulders; I hear the notebook slip from my fingers, fall to the damp ground with a thud. I catch a flash of white teeth, a triumphant smile, and then her lips are on mine and they're ice cold. I think I groaned, tried to exert power over my own hallucination- yank her roughly against me. She pins my arms above my head and laughs and open my eyes, knowing, realizing, seeing. She's completely real, always was. And she was always in control of this... encounter. Fear mixes with desire and my knees feel weak, but I'm paralyzed. I've never wanted anything more. She kisses me again, roughly this time, her tongue pushing past the barrier of my clenched teeth, twining with my steel studded tongue, so eager. There's danger here. I can feel it throbbing through me and it spurs me on and on; how I've been searching for this. She releases my arms and immediately I cup her breasts, firm, ripe, tracing the outline of her nipple rings through her shirt. She's got one hand in my crotch, torturing me through my jeans as our tongues war. I want to feel her, taste her, penetrate her with my tongue and fingers- see her writhe beneath me, begging for release. With an effort I pull away from her damnable tongue and drop to my knees, pushing her legs farther apart as I flip up her plaid skirt. Now I can smell her wetness, slick bliss. My hands travel up her legs, fingers peeling apart her labia and I thrust my tongue into her tight, wet hole, then dart quickly up, flicking over her clit, all swollen and pink. I hear her moan and now there's a heartbeat pounding in my head but I can't tell whose it is. I've never tasted anyone like her, so sweet, with a tang- but she's pulling me up, away from her sex and I whimper, a child whose toy's ben taken away. She's staring at me, drowning in those eyes again, so green, like a meadow I saw as a child...and we were running through it, laughing and kissing... The same wall where I first saw her. Some of the same people milling about. The same quasi punk rock music overhead. Only this time no one talks to me. No one wants to. I don't mind. I smile to myself, remembering- her lips on my neck, the sharp sting of her fangs, and then- ecstasy. My lips on her wrist, the font opened for me to drink of, fountain of youth, and death. The blood flowing hot and thick and coppery, ambrosia of the Lost Gods, the Dark Ones. Better than any acid trip. Forevermore. She was real. I remember how warm her lips were when she kissed me afterward, how cool mine had become. She was gone when I awoke that night. She was gone and I was a vampire and we'd never even spoken a word. Now I'm the one against the wall, letting the hunger build,looking for dinner amidst all the heated teen age rebellion. Perfect hunting ground. I'm melancholy suddenly. Never again do I get the option of joining in. Forever on the edge, watching, observing. What the hell though, I wanted this, and the sex is great, but the blood... the blood is always better. Another smile- dinner just walked past in a black leather trench and pony tailed blond hair. Pushing off the wall I follow dinner, and the soft clink of steel against my fangs sounds natural amidst the roar of pulsing, throbbing hearts, flowing blood, all around me. (NOTE: THis and all works of mine are CopyRighted. All right Reserved.)rŽTWritten. 3. March. 2001 Acid Steel ( WARNING: This is pure fiction, scraped from the leftovers of my psyche. Part 2 to follow soon.) The soft clink of steel against my teeth sounds natural amidst the back drop of raucous teens in various stages of rebellious rantings. Ski caps and wallet chains, and mohawks in abundance. I sit quiet, alone, dressed almost somberly in untucked button down shirt and jeans; I'm watching. Occasionally someone will come up to me, someone I know, to see how I am- mingle- before moving on to more enjoyable company. I'm not very good company tonight, would rather watch than talk, feeling the ebb and flow of anger laced angst. I never did quite fit in here, though it was fun to pretend. But tonight is different somehow, things are vaguely distorted. I feel eyes on me even as I'm eyeing everyone else. And then I catch a glimpse of her at the corner of my vision, little snatches as people walk past. She's leaning against the wall on the far side of the room, a wallflower against a mural of clouds. I think at first she's not real She looks exactly as I'd always imagined someone like her might look. I think maybe the acid I took earlier is starting to kick in. She's tall but not lanky, tone and lithe- inhuman is the word that slips into my mind. Thinking her a figment of my hallucinogenically enhanced mind I don't bother to not stare. The crowd things and I have an unobstructed view of her; I'm drinking her in with my eyes. She's pale, but so are most of the people here, under this lighting, would be Goths and creatures of the night, or simply malnourished. A heart shaped face, full lips, she reminds me of the actress Angelina Jolie. Her hair is dark and short, but in this light its hard to determine what color. High cheekbones, small ears; I'm avoiding looking at her eyes. Finally, I bring mine to hers, impossibly deep, impossibly green, impossibly alive. Inhuman. There it is again, a warning? The floor drops out from under me and suddenly I'm falling, drowning in her eyes. I never knew what they meant by that until now. I can't be here. I must be starting to peak to feel this intensely, to dream up someone so real, so Alive. But I can't take my eyes from hers, can't stop this free fall, can't breathe even- and like that someone walks past, and I jerk my eyes away, the connection broken. I stand, grabbing up my notebook and cigarettes. Keeping my head down I slip out the back door and into the cool autumnal evening air. Already I feel better. More grounded, though I can feel the acid coursing through me and I shake off my hallucination, a bad trip avoided. I hear again the clink of the tongue bar against my teeth as I walk away, down the street, letting the LSD skewed world tilt and tumble around me, getting lost in mundane sights and sounds turned hazy, abstract. I've gone from Teen angst to being part of a Salvador Dali painting. I'm strolling down the sidewalk, notebook in one hand, lit cigarette in the other. I've always had a talent for acting perfectly sober in public, no matter my mental state. No one pays me any mind. There's an accident up ahead, squad cars everywhere, their flashing blue and reds drawing me like a moth to a flame. I look like all the other rubberneckers milling about, but its those lights I'm looking at. The colours are swirling and blending, exploding into prisms of trippy enlightenment. But I've gawked long enough, my interest is waning and I move on with a sigh. Nothing really holds my interest anymore. Such a wasted, jaded life is mine. She's following me.rßTōWritten. 10. November. 2000 My second day at yet another new job. Will I ever settle in one place and be happy? Somehow I highly doubt it. The closest I've ever come is TCIM in Oklahoma and that was due to a lack of options and transportation. And what of the position promised me if I move to Longview? TCIM, yes. But won't I suffer the same ennui, the same burn out for its being on the phones? I truly did enjoy working at Waldenbooks and at Priscilla's. Variety, the chance to meet new people- but in both cases my physical limitations played a major role. So back to the phones, back to the doldrums. And why am I complaining when there are still starving children in Africa and Hitler's reincarnation ready to take office here in America?rąT0Written. 27. February. 1993 ( This is one of the very first poems I ever wrote. ) Some people Some people can't even believe that there are others unlike them. Some people can't figure out that the First Amendment goes both ways like the split in a dress' hem. Some people are just so ignorant that they can't believe they aren't god! Some people are just too stupid to realize that there is a real life, especially the death squad. Well some people will never, ever learn, and they will never, ever earn in mind as well as social and soulful knowledge.rįTeWritten. 9. April. 2000 (This was a person I'd met and Really wanted to develop a relationship with.) A chance Hes mesmerizing. I'm fascinated by him. He intimidates me. Someone so good looking, so handsome, so witty and intelligent. I feel I don't deserve him and I don't even have him, yet. Perhaps I never will. But don't I deserve? Haven't I struggled and fought for exactly this? I've let my hopes rocket into space. Why shouldn't I? I'm so frightened I've scared him off. I pray he calls. It would be such a validation of all my past pains if he calls. A validation that I'm just as real, just as worth something so good. Even just in friendship, gods. I could spend hours looking at him. I could spend years being thrilled, challenged by his intellect. I'm not fooling anyone. I want much more than friendship, I know. I want passion and seduction, hot kisses and fevered caresses, whispered words. I want to make out in dark theatres and flirt with our eyes in public. More than that I want to be able to touch him, to put my arms around him, to feel his arms around me. I want him to put an end to my lonliness that night after night leaves me frustrated and pained. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend to other people and know its true. I want a full fledged relationship, even if its not for love or forever. And I want it to be with him. Kevin Patrick Dougherty. Mulder in a ball cap and sexy black coat. Oh gods, I hope he calls. I want it so much. A chance: Conclusion I'm surrounded by shadows even though I'm trying to live as much in the light as I can. And he never called.rāTzWritten. 21. February. 2000 I smile He told me I had a good voice, pretty eyes, but then claimed allerigies when I tried to repay with a kiss. Is it my inexperience? My naivete that keeps them away. You make the best friend they say. And its always just me alone at the end of the day. Mentally I went beyond the physical, emotionally I moved beyond the mental. But there's still the emptiness, there's still the physical, and so my lonliness begins to feel simply logical. In that moment I began to make my masks, hiding from myself even, anything even remotely resembling human contact. And the cobwebs form, the dust settles, the shadows move in to claim their domain and I pretend that I like them, that I love the dark. I pretend to enjoy only what I can see in the light. I tend to my hidden places because even I know that to shed light on them would destroy my logical existence. I smile when love blossoms in the world around me. I smile and step down on another thorm from my hidden places, my savage garden. I smile and shed another drop of blood to my pain. I smile- and you say I'm the best friend you could ever have.rćT] Written. 21. February. 2000 It happened so suddenly I almost didn't see. One heartbeat I was one person, and the next heartbeat another. And it didn't happen with bells ringing or pumkins into carriages or great melodramatic wailings and hair pulling. I breathed in- and I was myself, with the same pains and sorrows, firefly sparks of joy and searing longings. But when I breathed out- it was as though I was standing in a ring of me's, each one carrying one trait or mannerism orbelief that made up the whole of me at that moment. It was as though all of my parts had seperated and then presented themselves before me for inspection. I knew of self analysis,just never expected to bring it upon myself this truly, this- palpably. If frowning were an emotion, then this is what I felt at that moment, looking around at all the different parts that made up the sum of me. Funny though, if these parts make up my sum- then how is it I haven't fragmented just as they did? How could I look at each of these parts seperately if it took all of them to make me to be able to look at them? Have I then erred in my deductions, or am I simply an innocent bystander in the acute and quite permanent fracturing of my psyche into millions of not so easy to assemble shards? But I shouldn't use shard there, it makes me think of the Crystal Shard from 'The Dark Crystal', and gets my thoughts roaming completely from the moment at hand. Another facet of me, one I'm quite good at. So let us say pieces instead of shards, for pieces is a banal word, and only flickers in my memory association with Tori Amos' singing voice. Tori being a topic very easy to push aside for later, I gatherd myself together, such as it were, and had a look at this ring of me's. To my immediate right was the part of me that worked tirelessly to construct my many, many masks. She had a sort of harried look to her, as if she'd just been interrupted from the most all consuming task, which I suppose she was. For perhaps the absolute first time in her existence she didn't have to be creating a new mask to put on, to present to the outside world, to keep the whole me hidden so completely that standing there, on my right, she was only just realizing that there was a vast universe beyond her mask making that she was too self contained to see or even know existed. Until now. And with the simple act of turning inside and looking at myself, getting my own attention, I had touched the first domino in a labryinth of intricate and subtle changes, changes that would take years to fully manifest and mature. All I did was draw air into my lungs, and in that heartbeat, in that breath, I began to change. By tapping the part of myself that generates my masks on the shoulder to say hello, I had set into motion a series of thoughts and actions, realizations and epiphanies, that would finally, completely, and wholly allow me to tear down my own self made prison, brick by brick, bar by bar. Just one breath, one heartbeat, one blink of an eye and I knew I was meant for greatness, in some form, even if it was only in the conquering of who I was, to become who I am.räTŒWritten. 25. May. 2000 Benefits I may be lonely, but I can't say, truly, that I am alone. Friends with benefits? Dave in Atlanta. Desperation for human contact. I need to sleep on it. No pun intended. Warned by everyone, no strings attached But oh, go slowly, be gentle- I could break- so easily. Can I take this at face value? Am I lonely enough? But are my standards too high? Would it be settling- Because he's not a fairly tale knight in shining melancholy? Do I aim too high? Can I live with myself if I say no? Can I if I say yes? Friends with benefits, eh... I wish I knew, wish I could see- The fork in the road, and the right path for me.råT\Written. 23. May. 2001 Something In Me Something in me... brewing, building... frothing red and wet.. just under the surface. A volcano of passion, desire, hot and sticky melting my icy heart Give me back my will to live So I might die in peace- and know- Whatever is there to know But it simmers, churns, bubbles, and never crests. To course through me, Surge in my veins, A hurricane in my mind Tornadic soul. A tidal wave of rage, of love, of hate, joy, sorrow of everything that nothing did first create. Be me Walk in my shoes know the wrath- and the pain of me. Know your history. Know Me.ręTHWritten. 30. April. 2001 So. You think you know me. But you've never been in my shoes. Think you can control me. But you don't know what's in my head. You try to mold me. But I don't fit into any of your forms. How is it then you think you'll hold me To the lies you take for truth? And who said I would let you try, anyway?rēTBWritten. 21. April. 2001 Its time for me to go I think, Curtain call is here. And I have run my course- a bit part, cameo, at most. Its time for me to say goodbye, the shadows leading me away. And I never did anything , really- My ember never sparked to life. I never saw another butterfly. I never really wanted to.rčT@Written. 20. April. 2001 Would That Within, without As I breath, As I feel, As I am. A pretty piece of flesh, within- But without, Nothing, everything, too much. Flesh upon flesh, always alone- enough for two In one. The sounding board, the confidant- And never the lover. Would that I was without, the woman within.réTWritten. 16. April. 2001 Goth We have dark, withered things with in us. Eerie, fetid, festering secrets, down in the jungle Where the nightmares and the hororrs play, clambering about with malicious glee. Whispers in our ears, of sweet repose and roses decayed. Gloomy dusk and sorrowful mourning and the fantasy of black lace... on sweat. Erotic funerals, for witch we dress. Musty scent of burning leaves, and clove cigarettes. A twilit world of aching grief, sublime in its crystal coldness. pale faces and black veils, all the trappings of mourning. Passion, thick, and red, and explosive- down in the darkness, the early Autumnal evening of Goth.rźT(Written. 16. April. 2001 Handle Me Head bent, defenses up, charging bull like through the world to keep from getting hurt. Casual off hand remark, Savage self deprecation to others, When in Rome, they say. Self poison in jest, to warm smiles that never reach my eyes How dare you think I'm not lonely. What made you think I'd want your sympathy? Who told you I only wanted to be friends? Why do you assume I have no feelings? Because I'm fat. Not like the others. I'm fat. But I'm sick of your hipocrasy. Fuck you all, you just can't handle me.rėT—Written. 20. April. 2001 And its the little things that make me smile, make it easier to breath, to live, to BE. The sights, the sounds, the tiny gestures the Universe makes in its infinity of finding itself. The questing to KNOW. The doing, seeing, touching, smelling, searching. Every moment, every thought, every second a journey of infinite possibilities. And we'll never learn it all, never know ourselves completely, never come to the end, ad infinitum. But is that really so bad? A journey without an end, a quest without a holy grail. If there were an end, and we found it, What then? On to greater things, higher levels? Implies a continuation merely. Do you see? There can not be an end. The end would be absolute darkness, utter void, complete null. Who are we to call that down upon the Universe? Thus, the journey. To see how the proverbial cookie crumbles, over, and over, and over, into eternity...rģT" Contemplation ( Written about 8 Am this morning.) 27.July.2001 My dream, whatever it was, sits very heavy with me this morning. The feel and shape and tone of it. There was a message in it, a meaning, but I'm not sure what. I know it had shades of yesterday's thoughts, but the complete content is gone. I think it had water, and a hazy kind of drug numbed pain. Sometimes I think I'm beginning to understand the nature of Death, of what it means to Be dead. Or maybe once the fear of dying left me I embraced it far too quickly and whole heartedly and now its taken on some romanticized joy and transcendence for me. We're having an affair, Death and I, courting each other on and off for years. And he'll win in the end, I'll be his willing bride. But our courtship now is to try to lure me into his bridal bed early. He's trying to woo me into slipping the veil over my eyes and taking my vows with him now and sometimes I'm so tempted. At least there I'll be a bride, instead of the monstrosity I am here. But if I accept that we'll be together at the end, when the Fates clip my string, then why shouldn't I wait? Why should I give myself over now? Because I'm tired, and I know only pain, and in his arms I can find escape, and be refreshed, and know peace. None of it means anything to me when I feel like this, not even the PAST. Maybe that's the most tragic part, that my soul is being so smothered by this fat body and chemical imbalance that I just don't care about my past lives. They're gone. They can't hurt me anymore. Its this life, here, now, that hurts just to breath sometimes. Is it really that selfish to want a little peace, a little reprieve from the pain? Can it really be so bad then, to let Death court me, if it lets me close my eyes and imagine peace? Its the hardest for me in the mornings, I think. When I'm still so close to my dreams and I'm here alone, waiting for work to begin, with just my thoughts and pen and paper. Its here where I have to put my game face on, my smile. Or if I can't smile I at least must wipe the cobwebs from the corners, sweep the dust under the rug, and make of my eyes a blank window that can't be seen into. maybe that's the worst, to have to hide it, this pain, day in and day out, because its my pain and darkness and no one else's and therefore there's no need for anyone to know. They couldn't do anything if they did and I wouldn't want them to, anyway. I deserve no one's pity, not even my own. One of these days I'll no longer have the energy to put my face on, and nothing will ever be the same after that. Ever.rķUČThere are secrets that we keep Down in the tropics jungle of our hidden hearts Secrets even we don't know exist. The air moist with palpable knowledge. Secrets.. Some stones are better left unturned.rīTsWritten. 6. February. 1998 ( I should note: This was written after the first and only relationship I've ever been in fell apart. I was so fucked up from the experience as a whole that its taken me 4 years to be able to look back and and begin to piece together what lessons I was supposed to learn from it. So. There you have it, or part of it, at least. ) When Dave in Atlanta gave me this book, after explaining its purpose- He told me to fill it. "Put your deepest thoughts and feelings into it. Make it your sounding board for your pain. And when its full, send it to me. As your teacher, consider it your first and only homework assignment." As a person, I wonder about that statement and the motives behind it. I never need a teacher, or a mentor for my Wiccan studies. At the time he made this statement to me we were no longer lovers, and to me, no longer even friends. I was raw, my wounds fresh, my pain bloody, pooling. And in some ways I had resolved to make this my outlet. To dip my finger in my bloody holes and write it all out in this book. And then he 'assigned' it. Why? David, while good at heart, is an inherently selfish person. From his thoguhts, it manifests itself in his words, his actions, his love making. I don't know if other people don't see it, or if they simply don't acknowledge it. David is a man who has known past glories, but no longer has the capacity to live out new ones. But he twists that, manipulating it not into a noble telling of a legacy, but into a cheap, bastardized version of a sob story. He plays upon his old great deeds, whimpering like a lame horse, wanting the pity, the sympathy to carry him through. David feeds off of others' pain, drinking it in, as a means to make himself appear more pathetic, more woeful, thereby insuring that someone, somewhere will pick up the slack he refuses to in his life. Send him the book, he says, when its full- so he can look at it from the vantage of someone older, wiser, with more knowledge. Send it to him, so he can see the progress, and show me where to go next. Why? He doesn't want the progress, he wants the pain. He wants to drink in the heartbreak lasviciously, like a pervert at a pornoshop, eagerly fondling himself as he thrills to cheapened sexual acts. He only wants it so he can debase it, flinging it about heedlessly, a means to say, 'See how guilty I am over this. Pity me the burden I bear, the price of past glories.' He wants to rip down the curtain of me and plunge his hands into my soul, greedily, selfishly. He wants to rape me of my most private emotions, my deepest joy and sorrows. Sucking my wounds until they become infected, watching avidly as gangrene sets in. And then he'll take that. Then he'll blow his load in a shower of extracted pity. A philandering of plucked strings, all contrived to get other people to bleed for him, provide for him, love him, while he sits back in humble gratitude, inwardly applauding his skill that once again he didn't have to lift a finger for himself. This is the David from Atlanta. This is the man who effectively lured me in and raped me. Not with his hands, but with his mind. With his words. This is the man who sucked my clit even as he sucked my heart dry. And forever after this, no matter what anyone says- I did not run away from Atlanta. I walked away from him, from his groping mouth, his raping words. I walked away from a battle I neither needed nor wanted. One I firmly believe is not worth my time, my effort, my pain. So live your life, David. Leech from other people who're willing to turn blind eyes to your malignant personality. Continue raping hearts and souls. But not mine. My pain, and my life, are mine. No one else in this world is responsible for it but me. And on one, most especially you, is entitled to view, or use that. Live your life, Charles David Wilson, but keep it far, far from me. You'll not get this book, and you'll not see my contentment in my new life. But David- I freely give you my justified anger. I offer you my bitterness and my cynicism. I blithely present to you my shoulder, icy as it is. See if you can rape that.rļTśWritten. 2. July. 2001 They Never Had Lastly came the children, stained with the sins of their parents. Lost, hardened, pleasure sacrificed to survival; childhood giving way to a reality they never deserved. Desperation in the air, Defective love, corroded, decayed, Futile hope, tattered, frayed. They tread on, year after year, as the memories fade- and the desert becomes all they ever knew. Broken and stained they wander- searching for a hero they can't remember... And a childhood They never had.ršT`urlLink Jessica's journal Into Darkness. She moved in the night like sinewy sentience Curling and twining 'round the thoughts Dark and mysterious- a lunar lit nymph In my head On my mind Cool and caressing Sensual hedonism And the thoughts give rise to desire as she dances in her gypsy sway evoking images of times long past and hidden pleasures. Slow and seductive She writhes, fusing herself to my consciousness insinuating her smoky form into the margins of my life, Until I need her, want to be her, too restless to be satisfied with silence. I turn, in my thoughts.. And follow her into DarknessrńT0More. You can not quit me so quickly. Can not walk away. You can not turn your back on me Can not refuse to fight for me. To give me up so easily. Sheer lunacy For you to give up on me and all my wicked ways. To refuse my love. Absolute Insanity For you to lower my defenses then shun my breathless avowals to die for you. You must not surrender without first battling my fear, conquering my bitterness, winning the war of me. You can not quit me so quickly. Lest you break me, forsake me- and leave me begging you... for more. All Rights Reserved.rņT“And If I Jump Written.31.January.2002 Precariously perched upon the precipice of some sparkling epiphany And do I want to learn it? Darkness ahead, Shadows behind and the only way open is down But am I strong enough to jump? No future, agony of past they always say climb to the light Only I don't know if there is a bottom to climb from. six feet or six million miles this open grave stinks of my own living decay Although I dug the hole myself. Sickly sweet scent of sanguine salvation silence at the edge of a shimmering razor have I the will to finish it? Blind gropings in darkened corners desperately seeking a hand to guide me How do I know if its the right one? Do I jump, can I fly? Why is there no safety net below me? Is there a light below, or cruel cosmic joke? And if I jump... will I plunge into the healing of this epiphany Or be dashed against the slick stones of my own shattered hopes?róT‰Let Me Die Written.26.January.2002 Black mood, bad day Let me die and fade away. I want the peace I need the silence to cease the endless cacophony of voices Close the open wounds Stem the flow of pain Please let me die. The yearning ache for love never had Bitter envy for those with less, but more. Let me die I'm not here I'm not real I know only agony. I want to open my arms to the Shadows and let them O'er grow my spirit I want to die! There's nothing left for me to say and only pain to feel Let it all fade away leave me in some peace I never did a thing with my life Would that I could go to sleep Never wake up. Let Me Die. Please.rōTāSin Free Written. 24.January. 2002 You have honoured my request for silence my need for secrecy. You have harbored the knowledge within you and smiled in the light of day. Silently, we have crept Stealing the night to come together to say a final goodbye- time and time again. And ever on the morning after Smiling in the light of day- not by word or look or deed Have you let our secret slip away. But comes the day when all must change We must part, ever more refrain from seeking pleasure in dead of night and Lying in the light of day. So keep our secret sweet phantom lover Honour my request for silence Think not on that we parted must be Look to the day we meet again. Honour my request for silemce to keep us both sin free.rõTšWritten. 1. January. 2002 Of Mine Lend me your mouth that I might fill it with words. Offer me your mind that I might fill it with thoughts. Open for me your fingers that I might place within them a sword. Bend to me your will that I might make of you an instrument. Shed for me your tears that I might purge my pain. Scream for me your Sorrow that I might add it to my own. Sing for me your joy that I might know happiness. Give to me your soul that I might glimpse a spark- Of mine.röT+Let Me Go The tears are ever right behind my eyes and the pain is always just a heartbeat away. The Darkness forever issues its sickly sweet call and the Shadows ever so gently wrap me in shrouds. The wind whistles mournfully through the broken headstones of my heart and the lonely willow of my Passion sags under its heavy burden of Sorrow. The scarred landscape of my love begs silently for life and my barren womb slowly withers in dejection. The flesh caged mind longs for release from bitterness and the moonless night of my Spirit quails under cynical onslaught. The soul bleeds fresh within its thicket of thorns and the wounds of life ... never really heal. So I stumble, and I fall, shattered- Scrabbling blindly in the Darkness ahead of me and only the utter silence of death offers reprieve. Fate, cruel whore- For now I have the courage to let it end ... with the will too weak to conclude my quest. But I'm dying already. Let me go. By Jessica Gasparini, Copyright 2002. All Rights Reserved.r÷U’Written 24. April. 2002 And into the shadowed Nocturne they swept, weeping for their lost innocence, reveling in their corroded morality... until the Darkness surged forth to meet them, spreading its spidery wings and enveloping them.. In eternity.rųTéWritten. 10. April. 2002 Speak Speak the tenses, the tensions. Passed present, nervous future. But don't go calling it what it wasn't. Swore I felt you go stiff now See you smirking at who I was The missed opportunities hold sway, knowing tomorrow will have been just the same. Tell me the story about last time When we sat silent, breathing into our argument to come. the subtle slights, distance looming between us then, makes us hesitant, to bridge the gap once more. But the hurt caused each night keeps us apart for another tomorrow. Talk to me about yesterday in an hour so I have time to prepare to hear to listen to maligns when we were strained controls today's emotions in the confrontations ahead. Feeling the tension, reliving all the jagged memories about the future. Please don't let me comment on what will have been. Speak the silence, confusion Began with one moment of sneering at dreams Speak of the tenses, the tensions Speak of the pain Of passed presents, uneasy futures.rłTąWritten.20.May.2002 Sorrow. Such overwhelming sorrow. Sifting through my mind, Stifling my will to live. Searing in its intensity. Neither pain, Nor darkness. Entirely different, Sorrow. Anguish shrouded in resignation. Shuddering in its icy silence. Sluicing over my breaking heart. Dousing the flames of my spirit. You can not know. Shh, darling, don't speak. She'll not wait for you to decide. To Die. Act now, or forever hold your breath Waiting for the Sorrow to pass.rśT×Written.20.May.2002 All You See Sometimes I cry for you and the sorrow you feel. Sometimes I lie for you to hide the pain you see. Sometimes I bleed for you so that you're not alone. How I need you, need to feel you. Would that you could see me as I am, a guttering candle in the hurricane of your presence How I need you, need to be with you. I can not do this any longer I am dying for you And you do not see. I can not be her any more She is gone from you And I can not replace her. You can not do this to me ever again For I am fragile and easily broken. You can not rule over me once more For I am equal and remain untamed. And how I need you. How I yearn for you. How I love you. And all you see... is her.rūTŠWritten.20.May.2002 Sing the Voices. Sing the voices Soft to list Carried away on Cool breezes. Chant the praises Thrumming fast to hear Keeping time with pulse In heart's secret place. Dance the Circle Feet against dirt Drumming deep within Pull soul to Surface. Raise the energy Shape the funnel Intent fueled frenzy Power in the Night. Expel the need Showering climax cried A unison of wanting Breath exhaled as one. Sing the Voices In dead of night Under Lunar's full Enchanted light. Sing the Voices, Sing the Phrases Praises Cry out Sensation Release in Joy Sing the Voices, Call to Her Glory. Good Mother Earth, We rejoice in thee.rüT~Written. 1. may. 2002 TABOO Lurking under your sight, just below the surface of your mind - the fetid thoughts you try to hide from yourself. Twisted longings, depraved arousals, forbidden desires... TABOO. Please Daddy, show me how you love me. C'mere little girl, and touch me in the secret place. Rough padded paws on my back, hot canine breath on my neck... Never give in to abnormal temptation. But such lusts, such heat suffuses my sense, makes me breathless with want. Wanton. Hedonism with a razor's edge. Don't think about it. (Oh Daddy, yes, you love me so hard, so deep) Don't acknowledge it. (No crying little girl, it only hurts the first time I push it in.) By the Gods don't act on it. (That's it doggie, just keep licking right there... ) Crawling and clawing on the periphery of acceptable society. Driven to madness unless you seek your warped pleasures... Taboo.rżUurlLink Jessica's JournalržTźWritten. 27. April. 2002 Hideous Kinky Hideous Kinky And I begged for it, Didn't I? Down on my knees in the wet pre-Dawn grass Me and your cock and your words so crass and my twisted longing for this to last Hideous Kinky That I condemn While you fuck me and I beg you for this to end. The pain's not so bad But this wound will never mend. Hideous Kinky How it all came to be. In the dark, in the corn and me on my knees. Just a kiss, just a stroke You raped me so good, Did you know?r’TeWritten. 15. March. 2002 Appreciate Let it all fall by the way Fade and blow the dust Across the Universe Let it be forgotten Or if remembered, fondly so. At least you took the chance At least you didn't lose in the end. Later they'll say you did what you could. Later, when you're dead - They'll find you're life, O Brilliance! Too late to appreciate.rUåWritten. 14. March. 2002 How How hard do you try runnin' through the shadows? How long can you wait before giving in to the fear? How high do you climb in order to reach the summit? How far do you go to get what you want?rTyWritten. 28. February. 2002 From Crysania I get defensive here sometimes Nothing to prove - no need to validate Justify With Sleet icing down overhead and I', deliciously lost in my thoughts. Let the Dawn fold and the Day break Leave only Night Supple Darkness Sensual Sensation Behind my eye Under the right Conditions is utter contentment, Pure pleasure. Try it sometime.rTŌWritten. 5. March. 2002 They Do For Me Do the edges of the world soften for you? As the Day fades and Night seeps in? It does for me. Blurs and drifts into the Shadows - becomes cool and sensual Romantic Caged within the Daylight's cynicism. Shining armour, golden towers, The faeries and the sprites. Fey frolicking through full foliage - lit by the moon's soft glow. Do the edges of the world soften for you When you close your eyes and dream? They do for me.rTWritten. 20. June. 2002 Fiend Get out of my head you vile usurper. Out of my thoughts, rancid serpent. Off my mind, devious manipulator. Away from my consciousness you... Fiend. Unrelenting you are Insidious and viscious Unrepentant, you laugh Watching me backs towards insanity. Madness to be so affected by you - And you're not even in the room. Be gone from my waking world, thieving deceiver, Leave go of my haunted dreams, arrogant knave. Unravel yourself from my soul, duplicitous instigator Fiend. Stay away from me.rTßWritten. 23. June. 2002 Everything You're everything I never wanted to be. Harsh and brutal Cold and cruel, Calculating. You're the sum of all I loathe Egotistical and vain. Haughty and disdainful, Selfish. The epitome of all I hate Calm under pressure, Detached, decisive. Mysterious and cryptic, Conspiratorial. Shameless, arrogant, Manipulator, bold, brazen A natural leader. Charismatic. Oh, you are everything I never wanted to be. And all that I can't live without.rT Written. 20. June. 2002 Fill The World The things we never think of Could fill the world with thoughts. People the planet with efficiancy And never be bought or sought after, like a waking dream Slipping through bloodless fingers Regret and remorse hold court here in the flash bright chambers of your memory. Perfect hindsight, blind to the future, trudging perilously ahead Caught up in contraptions to make life easier. Overhwelmed by loss of time and effort. All the counless things we never think of Cluttering up what could've been.rTWritten 16. April. 2002 Troubles me, to think of where we're going. How we've gotten where we are. Irreverence, Sadism - What a horrible creature is man, arrogant and cruel. Seduced by technology and asphalt. Spill your own blood there and see how it feels. Pull yourself from the mirror for a second, And see through the eyes of the dead. The poor, defenseless - the Mother's Children. Just because you're a lamb led willingly to slaughter - doesn't give you the right. To take the lives of the only creatures worthy on Earth.rTWritten between March and May. 2002 Momentary Pause Counting time in infinite seconds Bleeding into endless hours Flowing towards eternal days. Forever in a grain of sand. A split second in a mountain of time Inexorable movement toward the moment, the infinite minute - when it's over, forever. Crawling and scratching at the boundless boundaries of time Over and over, ad infinitum. Impossible task, unsolvable riddle, Unanswerable question. To find the moment, In an infinity - identical, meaningless moments.rTIWritten 13. March. 2002 Could It And into the mind came the thoughts, the questions, confusion - Need, want, desire, pain. Veiled in happiness. How do I? Why should I ? Don't rock the boat - But what if it's worth it? What if it isn't? Turn away, Don't look back - Let it all fade Because it could never happen... Could It?r T¹Written 12. June. 2002 So It Goes Sickly sweet, consumed by rage, made bitter with pain. Careful construction of a thousand illusions shattered with a husky whisper. Come tumbling down to land at my feet - staring in resigned acknowledgement. Such are the standards I hold myself to. But now the wound is closed with a cynical scab, and it only itches a little, around the edges. Small scar in the making. What's one more among the countless rest? Not festering, nor screaming in anguish just... letting it happen, flow over and through me - 'cause I'd rather be done with it then bring it to light. No martyrdom here, no cry of foul. Too many details to be justified in that. Too many greys to plead black and white. I'll give it up, I'll let it go, let the scar find its place. Pick your battles, choose carefully when to fight - Here's my sword - I am neutral to this plight. And so it goes, and we move on and I can smile again... Someday.r TWritten.9.June.2002 Mobius Time's like this I can see life spinning out before and behind. The whole of my existence a heartbeat in the silence of eternity. Here today, gone tomorrow. Filled with meaning to none but ourselves. An infinity of precious moments, only in our minds. Inexorably the arbitrary days pass, rooted as we are within fleshy cages - creating seconds to tick away, humanizing time as we blunder towards death. Minutes to hours, hours to days, a life in a second of true time, inconceivable to us. So at time's like this I step back, to see the twisting cord of infinity before, after, now and again, ad infinitum. I know my place in the Universe. In time, only time remains. Tis the only constant, fixed and known among all the secrets we've yet to behold.r T!Written.9.June.2002 After All Peeking through, just a glimpse of what I gave up for you. Blissful ignorance, a lost soul wandering, happily unknowing. All I left behind to follow you Friends and family, compassionate moments, sobbing merrily at weepy movies. Close knit life of material hours, sewn tight with a happy, if provincial ending. And everything I gained by taking your path. Pseudo enlightenment in a Twin peaks fantasy, wealth of understanding, Human Nature explained. Dizzying journeys into madness, back again - and willingly diving down for more. Cynical, clinical observation, ever searching for hidden meanings and illumination to half veiled truths. Conspiracies abounded with you. But so did contentment - jumping sky high at truly scary movies. Down the rabbit hole you took me, past the cellar door. Nothing was ever the same again. But after all, it was my choice. So I know not regret, although in vulnerable moments I look behind Catching a glimpse of the world I surrendered, peeking through. All I shunned to be with you.r TšWritten.6.June.2002 Personality Disorder Love and Darkness and my will to live, All tangled in a heaving web of self deceit. I am so duplicitous with myself. Laughing sardonically at my own cries for merciless mercy. The dreams in which I'm dying are devoutly to be wished. To find relief from Sorrow To find surcease of pain One perfect silent moment of truth within my soul. And yet my pleas unheeded go By my insidious ears, falling deaf, falling mute. Snatched away on the gales of self loathing. Shut out the light, and I stumble into blindness clumsy, colliding with my will to live. Beating it down unintentionally, Please remove my binds, take my hands from my ears - let me see what I can. Never, never, never... trust your love again.r TĘWritten. 2. June. 2002 Foolish Games What foolish games we play Tearing ourselves apart Breaking our own hearts, with the aching in our souls Such weakness we support letting ourselves break giving in to our dark thoughts opening our own wounds How vainly we cry out screaming our created pain begging for release from self appointed misery. What Sorrow to know that it is all in our heads That the power to heal is ours... And we don't take it.rTŽWritten. 24. July. 2002 The Bar Scene Wasting Away Waiting to Die Killin' time, and I'm not even high. I'm just the driver, cabbie, chauffeur the masochist who agrees to go along And I can't even join in the fun... 'Cause this circle of friends only holds four. Such a searing lesson, Glaring reminder Of all I'm not allowed. There's evil afoot, pure self loathing - How apropos to be surrounded by mirrors. As if the staring, eyes weren't enough. So this is what I'm reduced to - If I want to have fun. Sit at the end of the line, and wait until I'm needed to drive. Is it any wonder than, That I prefer solitude over this Hell that so many enjoy.rTTWritten. 15. July. 2002 Self Under the chest nut tree - I sold you and you killed me There in the fetid core, the truth that bound us free And all we could do was watch, to see it end. Sometime in the night, the music died. Silence hovered, pregnant with meaning, accusation. I held you, and you raped me of all that I held dear. Leapt eagerly into the open mouth of my own grave for you. Now I'm scrabbling for a hold among the bracken... But its made of thorns and my hands are bloody with regret. Vultures circling, You're towering over me, that same sardonic smile. Triumph in your schizotypal eyes. Will you wait until I'm dead to suck the marrow from my bones? Or devour me alive while my screams play melody to your feast? If I turn to look I know I'll see.. The mirror and the chest nut tree where I sold you, and I killed me.rT•Texture of Sound Texture of Sound brushing over my skin like Egyptian linen. Fabric of Crescendo ripping up and down my spine. Explosion of Melody coursing through my veins. Weave of Arrangement fitting to my body like flesh. Tapestry of Music encasing me in pure emotion. Threading of Lyrics twining my soul to the Universe. Texture of Sound fills the void of loneliness gives meaning to my life.rT Die Happy I'm not interested in completing Herclean tasks for your love. No desire to sell my soul for your tenders of affection. I don't want to climb the highest mountain to prove I'm worthy of your acknowledgement. I just want to love you from afar, feel your eyes onme now and again - I simply want you to notice me. You don't have to love me. No need to vow undying devotion. Only see me, at the end. I'll make do with that. I'll learn to deal with that. I can carry on, if I know that You see me. Acknowledge me. Know that I exist. And have patience with me. I'm dying loving you. But I don't expect it requited. Won't jump through hoops to gain it. Can't rally to prove it. Just be with me, at the end. Let your face be the last thing I see... And I can die happy.rTŃWritten. 26. November. 2002 Mourn Ahead As the day seeps into night you begin to wonder about your life And how it is, you want to be remembered. Or you ruminate on the future imagining having lost your most beloved Trying to mourn in advance, knowing you'd never survive the loss Ponder the pain, then of being torn, snatched, wrenched away from the only person whose soul fitted to yours like flesh over sinew Its a selfish thing really to want to continue though you're half complete want to become the one who carries on, being ever looked upon in sorrowful commiseration. Find you want to be the tragic survivor desire the pain of living without And so begin to draw from the future grief mortgage to get you acclimated to that state of being You Mourn ahead, take out an advance letting longing for it grow with each year until day seeps into night And you find yourself mourning for your loss before it happens remembered as one who mourned. Jessica Gasparini.rTPWritten.26.December.2002 So Well You know me so well not at all all my quirks and desires nothing of my needs and wants See my tastes and proclivities no idea my fantasies and fetishes You know me so well What I savor and cherish Blind to that which thrills me and kills me Understand my words and reasons completely lost to my thoughts and emotions You know me so well the secrets I tell Promises I spill The ways in which I move in life The people I surround myself with So well- But you only know me as much as I let you see Give you permission to me You only Know One facet of me.rTJWritten. 27.December.2002 The Let It Be I moved like David tonight Didn't notice it till just after And I wondered why I wasn't angrier. A Painting went for a million and one But the portrait he seared into my soul was priceless. All those trials and tribulations Lessons that altered the very way my brain worked Skewed my reality until all I saw was youo- And what you wanted me to. I still can't extricate myself. How did I lose myself in you? Why have I never found what I lost? What power do you still hold over me? And if I never learn to live without you? Then let it be.rTWritten. 30. January. 2003 Again Time and time and the wheels of fate the grinding erosion toward inevitable death. Ghosts of the past and future spectres All from one e-mail. Indistinct and impersonal on the surface clawing open festering wounds long scabbed over. Trying to make me gangrenous with envy, with longing, with remembrance. Striving to lure me back to your void Another turning of the wheel, time inexorably bringing us together aain, this macabre dance, morbid web we weave- 'round each other. Who is the master here? time and time and time again. Eternal and infernal, my emotions for you. Offered and coerced, my reaction to your words. And through it all... sorrow. You could've been great. You wasted yourself on meaninglessness. And I can't waste any more time on yourTWheel Turns The wheel turns He has risen from the grave of my memory From the ashes of my burned out heart back from the rubble of my shattered psyche. In the flesh and the blood. His words searing across my consciousness Rip right through me. But I renounce. I defy you. I do not follow. I will not fall into. You. Again. Pompeii is my past now. Frozen in time. And You along with it. I refuse to disturb the ruins. I make of Your words an echo, impotent wailing against the cages of my mind. You have no power over me. Nevermore.rTcWritten. 7. January. 2003 I'll Be I'll Be. Didn't really think you could Best me, did you? Or wheedle your way into my life without losing a piece of yours in the process. Two way street this Mutual manipulation. Across the distance past the time I've sold you to the highest bidder and rid myself of your stink. Try to do the same to me- You'll find a void Where I used to be. How will you fill it. Sticks and stones, fate's favourite son you can no longer afford to run. Karma is coming and you're not prepared You should've known, I'm always there. Look in the mirror David, For that's where I'll be.rTŪWritten. 10. December. 2002 I Ran And I ran Feet stomping, side stitching, heart pounding- Into the brink. Launched myself off the cliff- With a smile. No fear. Running through the Shadows; Storming through the smoky veil of complacency. Laughing. No Shame. I ran. Over the river through the woods tearing toward the underbrush the precipice in sight Made the decision. Took the leap of faith in myself. I ran Hell bent for leather right for the beginning of my life.rTģWritten 10. March. 2003 Untitled The Minutiae of memory distant details too fleeting galaxies lost in a single day with the inhale of new ones. And how do we find the balance between the past and the present with room for the future? Do we live in our memories or forget the past entirely? So we meander betwixt the two drifting to the past and back again In time we learn the lessons intended. Wanderers in our own lives, the minutiae of our memory weaving the tapestries of us together.rT+Written 7. March. 2003 Untitled Are we losing the moon? Have the secrets of the primordrial ooze been discovered? Suppose there is no impact? Only Speculation remains our window Our stepping stoned to other planets - means to the cosmos, the Sentient Universe. Are we losing the moon? Rue the day.rTŖWritten 22. April. 2003 Soon Soon and soon and soon And this waiting makes me ache That I should be so close and yet so far But all I can do is wait. Breathe through each moment move past each day bring myself closer and closer and closer To change to hope to life or something like it. A chance granted with stipulations abundant- Don't fuck it up now. Just wait. Wade through the ache walk past the restless imaginings Focus on right now. Get the details right And everything falls into place Soon and soon and soon Wait. Sweetest things they say Did they ever have to wait for this? Or mourn for past and future? All inside my head. Soon and soon and soon So I wait.rTŗWritten. 25. September. 1995 The Fall I Stand here, yearning, wanting, waiting. The pain I know is never ending. The love I feel is little consolation. Fate has dictated that we will hurt. Free Will is our empire of dirt. The Universe is infinite. Coffee and conversation are necessities. Cigarettes are a staple addiction. I stand here yearning to take him in my arms. I stand back, knowing its not my place. I sit here wanting to take away his pain. I move aside in an effort for him to remain sane. I stand here waiting for the storm. I stand here knowing it will come. I stand here understanding the nature of his pain. I stand here, by my free will I stand here, waiting to face the fall.rTøWritten. 17. Novemebr. 2003 Climax And I felt you hesitate inside of me Wondered at the vagaries of perception that widened the chasm between- Like a breath drawn in and held just a moment too long. I sensed the pause, the change in myself. Did it have as much meaning as I so yearned to give it? The order of things was never in question. Looking up, I marveled the silence of it- when silence reigned every change. But felt obligated to mark the moment with sound. And then I felt you move again the rythym regained- We pressed on, strove to come back together, breach the gulf of who we were and who we are, Until everything exploded in sensation. For a moment we were one, at the climax.rTĮWE Written.10.May.2004 Crude and rude and completely without tact Brash and rash and utterly lacking in decorum No finesse and unrefined, absolutely uncouth Raw and crass and severely in need of diplomacy Dark and dreary and gleefully macabre irreverent and irrelevant and enveloped in shadows Morbid and morose, devoid of Light or Joy Sorrowful and forlorn, lost in the valley of the dead. Anti-Social and sociopathic, seeing through schizotypal eyes Depressed and repressed, with an oppressive lack of self worth. Manic and frantic, socially dysfunctional in every sense. Psychotic and chaotic, a fractured psyche We are all of these and more We are generally not amused. We are myself in pieces.rT?Holiday Countdown Written.10.May.2004 Six Hours left to live to die to spread my wings and fly? Three Hundred sixty minutes to flail to rail against the injustice of it all? Time and time and time slips by bleeding me leaving me without the will to go on And shall I feel afraid? Shall I run or hide from the inexorable ticking of the clock? Should I turn away in fear? Stand bravely at the edge of the abyss, and see myself reflected in its Vestigion Darkness? Five hours, forty eight minutes now, to reconcile or find justice or simply just to be - before the end.r TkWritten. 24. May. 2004 Welcome to my Head To enter an access code, press pound, To start the Inner Monologue, press play. Then strap yourself in, and keep your doggie bag handy - You'll need it. When visiting my head, taking the scenic route through my psyche The debris and ruin, downed power lines sparking in the wet Turgid Darkness enveloping all. Duck the rotting corpses of my past swinging lazily from rusted aluminum trees. Keep your appendages in the vehicle, please - lest you lose them to the snapping jaws of my inner demons, ever ravenous for fresh guilt. Don't get out to explore the rolling fields of dead grass since you might get pulled under by the horrors - clambering gleefully within it, reaching down to dig sharpened talons into my wounds and keep them bleeding. Hide your eyes from the atrocities on the left, my inner child slowly skinned alive by my sadistic cynicism, Just don't listen to the cacophony of screams. And before the nightmare tour ends, if you're still in possession of your sanity - breath shallow through the blood falls Add your shadows to my Valley of Death. Welcome To My Head.r!TŃWritten. 24. May. 2004 Gay I am gay - and yet I've never dated. I am queer - In every definition known. I am lesbian - because men appeal not to me. I am womyn - and crave a woman's touch. I am female - thus I rejoice in the female form. I am fag hag - for I relate better to gay males. I am big nelly bottom - due to lack of experience. I am beefy, brutal top in my mind and heart. I am broken. I am whole. I am strange. I am normal. I am... Queer as Folk.r"T=Friday night and I'm stuck at home. There's a basketball game tonight, but my mom doesn't think I should go because of the weather. It is very very cold outside and the roads are all slick and snowy, so maybe it's a good idea. It was alittle hard for me to get home today after school because the hill wasn't plowed or anything and it was very scary. I thought I wasn't going to make it, but I did (going only 10 mph by the time I got to the top). Tomorrow I have to get up very early, and I'm not looking forward to it, but when I get back Micki will be home. WOO HOO. I was supposed to try out for the musical tonight, but tryouts tonight were postponed to sometime next week. It is called "Honk" and it's some silly play. Not many of my friends are trying out, I think Kayla is the only one. It should still be fun though.r#TįI am starting a new blog, compliments to Buffalo Butt Breath. No school today, due to snow. Last night I worked and my Chinese manager had no idea about three of us moving to grocery, and he was very very mad. However, I'm not on the schedule for next week for sacking (and the other 2 people are) so I dont know what's going on. I'm still looking for another job. This weekend my sister is coming home. I'm excited. But, Saturday I have state show choir, so I have to get up at 4 AM, but return home in the early afternoon. I'm excited for show choir competitions to start. They're so much fun! My New Years Resolution to exercise more is starting to die down. I think I'm going to go get a YMCA membership thing...which will hopefully make me go lift weights more often. The school is doing a musical this year, about the ugly duckling or something (from what I heard). I think I'll probably try-out, considering I've been wanting to do the musical for the longest time. I don't know.r$TbWell, it's been a crazy, crazy week. Ok, I guess it's just been a crazy last 3-4 days. First of all, I found out that I only got 4 hours this week and 4 hours next week, so I am once again applying for different jobs, praying that one of them will hire. Now, to the bad news. I was in my last class on Friday and I got called to the office. The secretary told me that some woman called to tell me that Matthew couldn't take me to the game that night. So, I went back to class, not thinking anything of it. 10 minutes later they said on the intercom that everyone should obey all the stop signs on the new highway by Argyle because there was a wreck. I got the pit in my stomach thinking it was Matthew, because he has to cross that road. Sure enough, after class I had a voicemail from his mom saying that he was in the hospital because he got hit my a SEMI!!!! OH, I was so scared. I called her back up and she said that he was fine, he was getting tests and X-Rays and all that stuff. So I went home instead of going to practice and Mom called the hospital (a friend of hers answered and told her everything that happened-he ran a stop sign because he was going too fast and skidded into a passing semi and got thrown from his car while the semi took off the front end of the car.) He's ok though...no serious injuries, just a ton of cuts and scratches and bruises-his face is really bad by his eye. He had to stay with me (at dad's) yesterday and today though because his parents went to chicago yesterday. So, we're babying him over here. Now, the good news...C-Force got Grand Champions at West Burlington yesterday. We rock.r%TThis weekend has been mucho fun. Saturday was Central Lee Invitational, and the schools there were quite enjoyable. And, Micki came, and locked her keys in her car. Then, Matthew came over and we watched Joy Ride. Today the family went to eat at Applebees, I havent been there forever. It was good, I got to see my cousin Kristen, so that was even cooler. Now I'm home, trying to figure out what to do tonight. I think I'm going bowling with some people, but I dont know yet. I really need to get a prom dress, and I have this one picked out that I'm dying to get, but the closest place it's available is in Des Moines, so maybe I'll see if I can go up and visit Micki and while I'm up there I can get that dress. It's very pretty, and very different from typical prom dresses (which is a plus).r&T<Good morning! I'm in school right now, with my beautiful boyfriend, Matthew, sitting next to me. He's showing me the Von Dutch hat he wants. What a cutie. Micki, I REALLY hope you can make it home this weekend, because it's Central Lee Invitational...and I'm gonna make you come if you're back. :) 4 months todayr'TuToday was West Liberty Show Choir Invitational, and C-Force got 3rd in 2A. There were some really good show choirs there (better than we expected). We didnt make the finals, though. Inertia got 1st in Prep, too. Rock on. I go back to work in a couple days. Aaghh...I dont want to go back to HyVee. I'll still look for another job though. Look is the key word, no one is really hiring. Thursday I had to memorize a 2-3 minute famous speech for Drama, I got an A!!! It was really hard to memorize, but I did really well. Mine was "Care in the Community" by Princess Diana. A movie Nichole doesn't recommend: My Boss's Daughterr(UQColey-- I will beat up anyone who says you should quit show choir. Love, Mickir)UHi kiddo. Good day to go ice skating. Sorry i missed your phone call. Watched the super bowl at the seagers. good time. I'll talk later or call when your up.r*TuOK!!! Any boys in high school who are going to prom, we need you to buy mugs. We only have 18 ordered, and we need to get more or else you wont be getting them. Now, today was an ok day. Not too exciting. We're starting to do stage makeup in drama. So, that'll be fun. We also had to register for classes for next year. It's kind of scary thinking of being a senior. Yes, it will be fun, but it will be a little scary to know that it's your last year of high school. However, we need a minimum of 6 classes a semester. Unfortunately, I am taking 7 1st semester. I really dont want to, but I'm in band, and that makes 7 classes.r+TKRainy today. I saw Dawn of the Dead last night. It didn't scare me too much. I got scared at the part with the little girl in the doorway...just because that kind of thing is really freaky. But, it didn't scare me like I thought it would. Thumbelina is on right now. I haven't seen that movie in a really long time, but I'm kinda excited. I know that makes me sound like I'm 5 years old, but it is a cute cartoon movie...with many songs, which is a plus. Well, Chelsea's prom dress is perfect. It fits just right. So, I'm getting excited. Prom is only about a month away. I'm excited.r,UŸIt's super duper nice out right now. I just got done playing basketball and some baseball. I have nothing planned today so I've been super lazy...it's awesome.r-T$I found my prom dress. It's actually my cousin's (Chelsea). It's gorgeous though, I just hope it fits right. No more show choir (other than swing show). We went to Quincy yesterday. Left at 5:45 AM and got back at 12:30 AM. It was such a long day, but in between Inertia and C-Force we got to hang out in the rooms, so most of us slept. But, we ended up getting last...Keokuk got first, I guess they're good this year (they've always been bad). Although I only had like 5-6 hours of sleep last night, I'm so wound up right now. It's kind of nice out, a little chilly but sunny, and I really want to do something fun. 2 days of work this week (Tuesday and Sunday). So, Dad...I work Sunday from 3-7 PM but the rest of the weekend I have nothing going on, but I will give you a call today to talk to you.r.T‚Matthew is doing great. He had a few doctor appointments, but now he is back to his normal self...all crazy and what not. But, he's my boy. Our boys basketball team went to the game right before state tonight, but lost by 1 POINT!!! I was hoping they'd make it, but it still sounded like a really good game. I'm still in the process of looking for a prom dress, and prom is May 1st.r/TEI just got back from Bobbi's house. We had a mint-making party (no alcohol, don't worry). It took us about 3 1/2 hours to make them, but it could've only taken a little over an hour if we didn't mess around. It was fun though, I haven't been with a group of friends outside of school for awhile, so it was a good way to end a good weekend. However, we got into the conversation of college and I think one of my friends got offended with what we were saying about not being set on one thing in particular in case you change your mind. She interpreted it as if we were saying she wasn't going to make it into fashion design and ended up leaving saying she was disappointed that I (not anyone else) didn't think she could make it. Hmmmm....Save the Drama for your Mama! But, the subject of college. I got a call the other day from a student rep. from U of Iowa and we talked for about 15 minutes. I got ask a lot of questions and he seemed really cool about everything. Prom is this weekend. This week is super deluxe busy for me too. It's going to be awesome though. WOO HOO!!!! I'm so excited.r0U·GREAT job at Swing Show Nichole! We all thought you were great. Next year maybe play guitar, sing and do the bunny hop or chicken walk at the same time. COOL! I'm really proud of you.r1TgOh boy!!! Tonight is swing show...and I'm getting nervous. That's no good. But, I'm crazy-because I'm getting the most nervous about my family watching me. I don't care so much about all the other people watching, it's more about my family and close friends of the family watching me. But, I had to practice with the microphones yesterday at school, and there were people in the gym, and I did fine, so I'm feeling I'll do ok tonight. It's just the nervousness...but, hopefully that will die down a little bit. Micki's home. This morning was already an adventure. We went across town to get breakfast at the old Country Kitchen. So, we sat down and before we ordered our food, Micki realized she forgot her wallet at home (which consisted of all her money). So, we told them we had to run home real quick and we'd be right back. So, we finally got home, and both of us didn't feel like going all the way across town again, so we went to the Ivy Bake Shop instead (which is just a few blocks away from our house). So, it's good that we didn't order our food at the old Country Kitchen, but we did tell them we'd be right back.r2TšI hope everyone had a good Easter, I know I did. The weekend wasn't bad either. I had to work on Friday and Sunday, but they let me out a couple hours early on Sunday, so I was very happy about that. I got a lot of candy, too. Saturday was Matthew and my 6 month anniversary. So, he got to hang out with me all day Saturday. We were over at Grandma's for awhile and then we went church (an hour and a half long!!!) And, he also hung out with me on Sunday after Dave, Donna, Chelsea, and Gabe left our house. It was so good to see them. Chelsea is going to quit college and go to Chicago to become a starving actress-trying to get into commercials, movies, plays, whatever...So, good luck for her. I think she'll make it-but I am her cousin, so I don't know. Saturday is swing show, and I am getting even more nervous every time I think about it. I have been practicing my song all afternoon, and my fingers are starting to hurt alittle, but once I get done with this I am going to start practicing again. :)r3TQI had a good weekend. I had ACT's on Saturday morning. Then Matt came over and we went and played in the park and had a picnic by the river. It was a lot of fun. Then, Sunday I had to work 4-10 but I got sick at work and had to leave early. So, today I would've had school, but I got stuck home, sick as a dog. I found out that I have to work Easter Sunday from 9 AM till 4 PM. Wow, that really blows. I'm alittle upset...but I shouldn't complain too much, given that I have 13 hours this week, contrast to 9 hours. But, geez, could they give me any other day or any other shift than that?!?r4T»Wish me luck, I have ACT's tomorrow. I have already taken them once, but I figure I can try for a higher score, and now I know what to expect, so hopefully I will do a little better. A friend of mine is back from Colorado. He's only back for a week though. But, I got to hang out with him on Wednesday. It was really nice to see him again. He's leaving tomorrow though, so I probably won't see him again until summer...and then he's back for senior year. yay! Swing show tickets go on sale Monday. I still have to perform my song to Mr. Weinrich, and I haven't practiced it in a long time, so I hope I don't screw up too much. I'm really looking forward to swing show though. It's going to be great.r5T½Congratulations Class of 2004. You will all be missed greatly. Graduation went well. I had to stand, but no problems there, because I was with a few friends. At least I wasn't by myself. The highlight of graduation was definitely Kasey Kruse. Walking with a crutch his whole life, being born almost paralyzed, he got on stage to receive his diploma and walked without his crutch. Everyone stood up and cheered. It was awesome...I (almost) cried.r6TBProm was a couple weeks ago. It was such a blast!!! Both Matt and I looked hot, too. Many compliments. Post prom was fun, it wouldn't have been if we didn't make it fun. But, I don't think I was really tired until I got home that night. However, the comedian/magician we had got really old after awhile when he found out someone went to Hooters during a school trip. Then, during the handing out of prizes, he'd ask everyone if they'd been to Hooters, and make other really stupid jokes about it...for almost 15-20 minutes. It got REALLY OLD!!! The next weekend was Pella and State Music Contest. Pella we got 2nd. It was cold that day, and it wasn't much fun. State all three groups (band and the 2 choirs) got 3's!!! We don't think we really deserved 3's in any groups...actually we thought Varsity Choir should've been a 1 or a high 2. Not a 3!!! Oh well though...I guess there's nothing we can really do about it. Now this weekend is graduation. The seniors' last day was Thursday, and one of my classes today had 4 people in it, continuing until the end of the year. The other 3 are close friends though, and it's a cool teacher, so we played Hearts (cards)-and I have no idea how to play-so I think I lost...but I had the best excuse you could use. It's kind of sad though having the seniors gone. I really got along with a lot of them.r7TøPlease, remind me to never ever in a million years ever agree to come into Hy-Vee to clean again. It was horrible. I got called in and they told me I'd be cleaning the front entrance way and that I could wear street clothes, and that it's not that bad at all. Yea, I go in and the manager tells me what I have to do...I was thinking, "Oh my freakin' God!" I had to scrub everything--the walls and all these little cracks filled with dust and dirt piles. Then, I had to take a whole row of carts and move them so I could wipe off all the dead flies and bugs on the ledge by the window. Then, I had to take the motorized carts back into the shower room in the back (which was embarrassing to drive in the store) and wash them off. I started to get my pants wet when I went into the shower room so I pulled them up, and I looked like such a dork! (many of my co-workers saw me too). Then, I cleaned the security things in the doorway that beep if you steal something. All this in 4 hours. They also told me I had to get onto a ladder to clean the top part of the walls, but it was already 8:00 so I kept that for last and didn't have to do that. But, it was not fun at all. I like bagging groceries MUCH BETTER!r8T8Well, although it is the first day of summer, it feels FREEZING!! I am so ready for it to get hot and humid, just because it's been so cold lately. Grrr, arrgh. My wonderful sister, Micki, wants to take me to a HANSON concert in St. Louis at the end of July. However, I think we're going on vacation that week, so I dont know if I'd be able to go. Another grr, argh. I went on the river for the first time this year yesterday. It was Matthew, Dad, Julie and me. It was cold when we went fast, but on the way back from Burlington, we went very slow, and it was so nice.r9TŌSummer woo hoo!! Yea, I'm enjoying it. It's been great weather, although today was pretty hot. I really haven't been out doing a whole lot, just work and hanging out with Matthew, but I've been having fun with it. I start my summer English Composition class tomorrow morning (8-11 AM). I skimmed through the book when I got it, and it looks like a super deluxe easy class. I'm not too worried, but watch me get in there and it's very hard....hmmm, I kinda doubt it. :)r:T“It's crazy how fast the summer is going by. I'm enjoying it though. It's finally really hot out. I've been waiting for this weather. Kevin has had lots of baseball lately with his regular season and his all-star team. Last weekend he had a tournament in Cedar Rapids. It was pretty fun. They lost, but it was still a fun weekend. Saturday night we went to ChuckE Cheese (Dad, Julie, Kevin, 4 other teammates, and me). On the way there, the boys talked about the 50-year old prostitute in Ft. Madison with a son named Elvis. I didn't realize how much you can learn from 12 year old boys. I won a slinky and some stickers. Sunday it rained in the middle of his game, so it was moved from noon to 4:00. We ended up staying up there an extra night with another family. I ended up watching The Simple Life with Kevin and his friend, Drew. Then, we went to The Olive Garden on Monday. Now, this weekend, Kevin has a tounament in Nauvoo. So much baseball.r;UurlLink I'm so silly.r<TøFun 4th of July here. Saturday night I got to see Nauvoo's fireworks, with my brother complaining about the Mormon's half the time. Then, Sunday, I had to work until noon. After that, Micki picked me up and we saw Spiderman 2 in Ft. Madison. That theater isn't that bad...I figured it would be very sucky and kind of smelly like butt. But, it didn't. However, when the previews started, the music from the things before the previews was still going on. So, they lost a couple of points there. I did forget about that by the time the movie started. I LOVED IT! Go see it. When we got home, we watched Buffy the Musical, "Once More, with Feeling". I loved that too. I had already seen it, but it was such a long time ago, it seemed like the first time again. I think when I dance, I'm going to dance like Buffy, it seems fun. Then, that night we cooked out and got to see the Ft. Madison fireworks. Those would've been better if my 3 year old niece wasn't laughing and clapping the whole time. She was very loud. I guess it was kind of cute...but only kind of. I had a funny blonde moment yesterday...Micki and I had to go into the grocery store to pick up hot dogs, buns, and bread. Before we left, Dad said to make sure to get bun length. So, we got to the buns, and I started to say, "We need bun length buns". I caught myself before I finished, but Micki still asked what I was going to say. Yea, he meant bun length hot dogs, and I thought he meant buns. Oops. Another blonde moment from the day before: I was playing Outburst with Kelly and John and I had the category of cartoon bears. I named all that I could, and I was just thinking of different cartoons. I asked, "Is the pink panther a bear?" Ok, stupid me.r=TŗAnother boring day in the life of Nichole Long. I have nothing planned, like always. Kayla wants to go out to eat with me and then have me spend the night, but I'm not feeling it-if it were someone else.... It's also 4th of July weekend. There's probably a few parties that are going on. Exciting. I guess the Ft. Madison fireworks are supposed to be the best ever, so that's exciting. Sunday I go to Dad's for 4 weeks. I really need to pack.r>TPretty good weekend so far. I haven't been too busy. Just work, and been at dad's. Tonight Matt went to Cedar Rapids to see some friends. Even though I probably should know what he's doing up there, I really don't want to know. I wanted to find something to do with friends tonight, but most of them are out of town at a volleyball thing or with their families. So, I stayed home on this Saturday night with my dad and we ordered a pizza. It was nice. I start school now in 11 days. I can't believe it. It'll be nice to see Fish D. :) That's about it. I got my haircut the other day. I got bangs. They're cute. They took awhile to get used to, but I do like them alot. I can do the punkish straight, ragged look or the cute, girly, side swept, whispy bangs. Man, I'm cool.r?UßHi. This is Kelly. I'm just tryin this thing out since it's my first time and all. I'm happy Nichole's back. HINT TO ALL WHO KNOW ME: My birthday is in 9 days. *wink wink* I'm a size 3-5 in jeans and a medium in shirts. :)r@TĆ17 days until school starts. OMG! That's really not that far away. Anyway, I'm back to mom's now. Even though the 4 weeks with dad flew by, I'm still excited to be back. It's nice to see everyone. But, Tuesday we're going to Waterloo to the waterpark. So, I'm super excited because I love waterparks. Woo hoo. And, then next week we're going to Des Moines to Micki's and then we're going to Adventureland. So, I'm excited for that too because of the roller coasters. Woo hoo again. And, last week (the last week of dad's 4 weeks) we went camping at Lake Rathbun. It was very, very relaxing. I only caught 3 fish (2 within 5 minutes). But, it was still enjoyable. I also got to see Micki Friday night. We saw 2 movies (Bourne Supremacy and The Village) I jumped twice in The Village-one time was really stupid...I knew it was coming. But, I guess that's how it goes. Saturday we went to the Valley West Mall in Des Moines, and this thing called Iowa Idol was going on (An American Idol for the state of Iowa) and I only heard a couple of people sing--the first one reached a really high note and Micki and I looked at each other with the same "Wow, but we weren't expecting it" expression. Then, the second girl started singing "At Last" and she was pretty good. But, unfortunately, I left my purse in my dad's van (at Lake Rathbun) so I had no money, and three birthdays are coming up in this month and I had no money to get them anything. Oh well. They can just get poop. :)rAU you're grossrBUżWhat are you doing to my typing??? I didnt type that!! You BETTER stop that or your going to get it!!!! With whipped cream and butter and cheese and bread and monkeys and purple stuff and green stuff to go with it and some nachos and a burp at the end.rCU SEE A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHIN!!!!!!!rDU=I will! Just watch and you'll see me as a dirty crack whore!!rEUPROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!rFUFLOSSrGU5I don't think! Im hung the most in this planet!!(not)rHU someone who's more hung than yourIU Who's Larry??rJU!Larry's hung like a whale! FLOSSrKUIm hung like a mini horserLUoh yeah FLOSSrMU$Lisel that's like an insult to larryrNU=Lary is very hung. He is a tripod. he is hung like a donkey.rOUFLOSS!rPU mmmmm cheeserQU&roger your wandering off topic FLOSS!rRUAhhh the power of cheeserSUFLOSSrTUOH YES MY OWN BLOGrUU WHOOOHOOOOOOOrVUyou are so weirdrWU)Yeah you know you like it, Just admit it!rXUthat's just weirdrYUSo I take Viagra!rZU lisel smellsr[U—What in the hell are you guys talking about? Im bored... i have to help little 1st graders at westfield school..... MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL byer\U does it now?r]UOOh, that really turns me on!!!r^UANYMORE QUESTIONS????r_U OK!!!! weeeer`U MY COUSIN.raU Who's geni??rbUok fine whateverrcUstop being like me, please.rdUhomg mary! stop going getting inside my blogger thingy, and puttin other crap. gosh. mind your own stuff!reU*oh him!!!! i like eggs!!!! cows go moo!!!!rfUTOM FROM TEXASrgUphaving aim is not like having an email addy. but yeah...this is my sn btw: genidotcom...hehe...who's tom anyway?rhUŚIT'S OKAY GEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF THEY WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT EVENTUALLY. . . I THINK. . . AND GEN YOU DIDN'T LEAVE YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS FOR THEM TO HIT YOU UP ON. . . OH YEAH STAY AWAY FROM TOM!!!riT+well yeah, you guys prolly don't know who i am. and it was very rude of me not introducing myself. my name is geni, and i'm mary's cousin. ^_^ this is prolly the only way we could keep in contact w/ each other, other than the cell fone. anyway, if any of you have aim and wanna tawk, just hit me up.rjUĶwell, it's nice to know that i get to finally tawk to you once in a while on line...and not just waste minutes...hehe...anyway...since you're here...i'll just see you on line i guess...*wink wink* byeness!rkUhi mary! hows it goin?rlUOBETTER THAN BEING A GORILLA YOU STUPID POOPY HEAD GORILLA!!!!! ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!rmUFThen they'll think that you did it because YOU look like a Gorilla!!!!rnUJI'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU DIED IN MEXICO BY MEANS OF LARGE RAMPAGING GORILLASroU?I wont go to school then. What are you going to do about that??rpURHey mary whats up? so hows the summer been for ya.... well talk to u laterz BrittrqUlOH THANKS FOR REMINDING ME DIEGO. . . YOU HAVE LESS THAN A WEEK TO EAT SOLID FOOD BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS. . .rrU,Nothing I was just kidding, dont beat me up.rsU HAHA. That amused me. I feel good today, despite my ....piling problems. Hehe. I got online today to find reviews in my mailbox. I dunno..reviews always have such a euphoric effect on me. They're my really strange pick-me-up. =P hehe. Soooo nothing interesting going on in my life recently. Just the usual "so bored...why no stuff do?"r“TĮSANA'Y WALA NANG WAKAS Sharon Cuneta Sana'y wala ng wakas Kung pag-ibig ay wagas Paglalambing sa'yong piling Ay ligaya kong walang kahambing REFRAIN: Kung 'di malimot ng tadhana Bigyang-tuldok ang ating ligaya Walang hanggan ay hahamakin Pagka't walang katapusan kitang iibigin CHORUS: Kahit na ilang tinik ay kaya kong tapakan Kung 'yan ang paraan upang landas mo'y masundan Kahit ilang ulit ako'y iyong saktan Hindi kita maaaring iwanan Kahit ilang awit ay aking aawitin Hanggang ang himig ko'y maging himig mo na rin Kahit ilang dagat ang dapat tawirin Higit pa riyan ang aking gagawin Sana'y wala ng wakas Kapag hapdi ay lumipas Ang mahalaga ngayon ay pag-asa Dala ng pag-ibig saksi buong daigdig repeat REFRAIN repeat CHORUS 'Di lamang pag-ibig ko 'Di lamang ang buhay ko'y ibibigay Sa ngalan ng pag-ibig mo Higit pa riyan aking mahal ang alay ko Eto ang favorito ko na lov song. at yung paborito kong singer, si ate shawy ang kumanta den nito. :Dr”U¤Nothing's been really great..and nothing's been really craptastic. I can't escape the mundane, and I can't control my life. Why doesn't the world just stop turning?r•TļBlogs.... A strange phenomenon which has proved to be extremely infectious. Forget about Ebola, Sars or Anthrax. Blogs have become the new threat to life as we know it and is spreading faster than can be imagined, both airborne and by touch and is immensely contagious. The worst branch of this epidemic seems to be the Xanga-branch. Several people I have observed, who were previously strong and otherwise healthy, have fallen victim to this aggressive virus commonly known as Xanga-blog. This very destructive mutated form of the blogger virus is claiming several lives every day and the rate seems to be rapidly accelerating. Other known branches of the virus are Blog-dot and Globe of blogs although these are so rare that only a few cases have been reported so far. The original form of this virus, known as Blogger, has proved less contagious but in other ways stronger than the mutated branch, Xanga. Mutual symptoms for all branches are so far known to be an overwhelming urge to rant and tell your most private thoughts and feelings, being in the strong belief that others might actually have an interest in reading them. This is not all, however, as the symptoms will soon escalate into strange behaviour, such as including links in signatures on different forums and discussion groups around the web, in order to spread the virus onto new victims. Sadly, no cure for this condition has so far been discovered. A silent enemy that shows no fear and no remorse. The Blog appears to have come to stay!r–T I need a vacation! So far this day has been terrible. I went to work and went to shut off the alarm as usual..... and found that I simply couldn't remember the code! *slaps forhead* Come on! Something I've done almost every day for nearly 3 years. Talk about early Alzheimer's! So the alarm went howling, I managed to remember the code and shut the thing off and called in to tell the security guys that I did not want to see any of them. After that, everything went fine. For about 15 minutes. Then I just happened to slam into a wall because I (for one reason or another) misjudged the distance. *sigh* I am the only person I know who can actaully manage to do such things (or at least the only one to openly admit it!) Maybe I should try to get 4 hours of sleep at night instead of only 3... *rolls eyes* It's not like there's any wild activity going on anyway to keep me from sleeping... (ah, but if only....*snickers*) Ahem! Actually, the wall-thing happens ocassionally, so maybe it's time to get those contacts after all.... If only the yellow ones I used when playing live "Vampire; the rpg" hadn't been stolen. They looked pretty cool with my black hair. Hehe! Well....if only my hair was still black! *sigh* This reddish-blond thing is just so damn boring and doesn't go well with anything. I don't really understand the fascination some people have with it. Maybe I should just cut it. It's not like anyone will notice anyway. 4 inches more and I'll be able to sit on it... No one will notice if I get rid of 4 instead. Hmmm... Maybe I should make a poll. Cut my hair or no? That way I can always say that it wasn't my choice! Ha ha ha! Movie of the day: The Tuxedo (Jackie Chan, Jason Isaacs, Jennifer Love Hewitt) I started watching this movie with a nagging feeling that this would be another of those poor American comedies which seems to be in massproduction these years, but I'm happy to say that I got myself a surprise. Especially when I discovered that Jason Isaacs is in it. That man is...."nice" to say the least. To tell the truth, he made Harry Potter 2 worth seeing. (Yes, I know... I'm pathetic!) Anyway, The Tuxedo.... It was actually funny. It was actually very funny! Certainly recommendable! Song of the day: Road to nowhere - Talking Heads Simply a classic.r—TV Helka claims that I'm depressing to read and asked if I never write anything "happy"... Well, I tend to write what's on my mind and at the moment that seems to be my own misery, so there you go sweetie! And yet you pop in here every other day?!? Just to check on me or to get something to talk about on MSN? Certain people seems to be.... well, stalking me. Don't know why I've suddenly become so damn interesting, but oh well.... It even appears like my old "friend" the ghostie has returned.... The cat's been acting up several times today and I've encountered the usual cold spots around my apartment. Just hope I don't have to go through the same as I've done twice before now... Right now, I couldn't care less, though. I have too many things to be concerned about right now, so I can't really waste my time focusing on a ghostie that is dying (no pun intended) to get some attention. If it becomes too annoying I'll perform another cleansing. Some of my cemetary shots turned out to contain even more than it appeared at first sight. I'll have to run them through a few programmes and maybe even send them to the group so Zub can have a look at them. Orbs! I hate orbs!!! I want full apparitions, thank you very much! And no Photoshop alterings!!! Which reminds me.... Pugslee ..... If you send me that Photoshop fake of yours, one... more... time..... I promise you, you'll know what pain is!! *sigh* Still losing weight. Back at 62kg which is about 125 lbs. People have started noticing and it's really annoying. It seems I do nothing but eat and yet... *sigh* No one will mention anything if you're gaining weight, but if you're losing weight.... damn! You'll find no peace anywhere! Song of the day: "The second you sleep" -Saybia (well, actually the entire CD has been playing all day) I stay to watch you fade away I dream of you tonight, tomorrow you'll be gone I love that song, although it often makes me remember what I don't want to. It makes me remember my ex, Michael. One of the only decent guys I've known (I know, there have been far too many and most of them jerks.) Sometimes life simply doesn't turn out the way you think it will. I never got the chance to say goodbye. He left.... and never came back! I haven't visited his grave since I don't know where he's buried.... Nor do I wish to know.... A soul too beautiful to live!r˜T”*sigh* Fell down in a hole again. A very dark one this time. Maybe that's just how my life is supposed to be. Maybe permanent heart-ache is simply my lot. Not that it really matters anymore. I'm used to it by now, it's a familiar feeling. Guess I would end up feeling strange without it, so it's probably for the best anyway. Apparently, I always end up being the cause to everybody's problems. No matter what it is, I always seem to play a part in it. Nothing new in that. Guess it's just so easy to blame "the weird one"... And I've always been that one, that's no secret.Oh, right... 'They' call it "eccentric". Even my so-called "friends" usually tease me by saying that everything's my fault anyway. Well, I guess so, when they say it... What is a friend anyway? I only have one. And people on-line.... well.... they usually think I'm a joker. At one time, someone mentioned my "feigned evil persona".... Well, who says it's so feigned after all? When you spend most of your time on the "dark side" you sooner or later will pick up on the darker side of nature. I may be named after a goddess, but I'm only human after all! But why care...? If there are really people reading this, I can imagine that most, if not all, will run away screaming. Should I be so lucky that anyone will even think about me after reading this.... I can only hope that they will try to understand.... and accept. I'm sorry that I am who I am....r™T®AAAAAAAARRRGH!!! I'm ready to pack up all my sweet dragons and simply leave!!! Maybe find a small deserted island somewhere or get my own cave in some remote mountain. Human beings are nothing short of amazing! Someone's being mean to you so of course you do the most logical thing you can think of: Being mean to someone else! Right! Someone's pissing you off and you simply have to try chasing everyone who're trying to help you away. Fine, go ahead, why should I care.... *bangs head into wall until neighbour starts complaining* DVD of the day: No cure for cancer ( Denis Leary ) I simply love that guy! No one escapes his rants! Woops! Busted by Mithadan. Is my face red. Well.... no, actaully it isn't. And it won't be unless it's very, very hot! But the guy's close to proving to me that he is the impossible being. Hmmmm... could make for an interesting psychological profile. (Oh my, I can feel an evil smile appear.)ršTWhew! My CSI marathon is over (for now) and now I feel a bit.... hmmm, "empty" I guess... My interest for forensics is burning bright these days and I'm taking in everything I can get. Nothing on the TV but I've seen all their forensics shows anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I know, a lot of people find me weird because of that interest, but honestly, it's not really my problem! I had a childhood dream (ok, I had several but this is one of them) of becoming a forensic pathologist, but sadly, my inability to understand chemistry when I was in school made an end to that dream and now that I actually do understand it, it's too late to do anything about it. People always claim that "it's never too late" but trust me, it is! Another question I'm always met with is, "why dead people?" Well, first of all, dead people don't complain! If they do, something is very wrong and you better check a second time. Second, the living can tell what happened. The dead can't! Unless you help them. Which is why this is so damn interesting. These people have a story to tell and it's important that it will be told. The worst thing is the smell.... Ever had a raw piece of meat getting overdue? It's nothing in comparison! Trust me, I know! But they say you get used to it. Actually, the "rule" is that after your first 3 months as a student at the Forensic Institute, you'll be able to eat your lunch again... Uhm, O...k. Only 3 months without lunch... sounds good. Should help you lose a bit of weight. [insert evil cackle here]r›TļNot much going on today. Or maybe too much going on, so I don't know where to begin writing and therefore won't start at all. Album of the day: "Play" - Moby The man's a genious, what can I say? "Everloving" gets me every time. Beautiful, haunting and without comparison! Movie of the day: Event Horizon My favourite move to date! A killer plot (literally) and oozing with talent. I mean, Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburne, Jason Isaacs and Sean Pertwee... What more is there to wish for?rœUĄI've added a new link to a despairing place where you'll find all things dark and gruesome. Morbid facts and lots of fun! The home of my sister in despair, the Comtesse. The Asylum Eclectica!rTqWoops. Aman the Archer knows I've found her blog. *snickers* Ah, well... She hasn't said anything bad about me... yet! Teehee! Wednesday! The name just says it all, doesn't it? It's hot, it's humid and it's windy. The summer-weather from Hell. Makes sure you'll stay indoor and watch stupid movies. Heh! I actually saw Daredevil today. The thing I find the most ironic in this movie isn't the fact that we've got a blind superhero, but that we're dealing with a lawyer with a conscience! How unrealistic is that??? (I know Mithadan would kill me if he saw this, but what are the odds that he'll even come here?) Don't really know what to think about that movie. A lot better than Spiderman, but then again, I only saw Spiderman because someone dropped in with it and begged me to put it on. Which I only did because I'm a major fan of Willem Dafoe. Which brings me to: Movie of the day: The Boondock Saints ( Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, Willem Dafoe, Billy Connoly ) My, my, what fun they have in Boston... What can I say? It's brilliant, it's original, it's... it's..... I love it!!! And it has the most amazing scene containing a cat, a gun and what those two together can make on a wall. Wonderful humour! Definitely one of my favourite movies! I don't know how many times I've actually seen this movie. And with a sequel in production.... Troy Duffy, you're the man! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Song (and album) of the day: "Bloodflowers" - The Cure "This dream never ends, you said, this feeling never goes, the time will never come to say goodbye..."ržT)Ah, the wonders of insanity. I am in total denial or so some people say. And who the hell cares anyway...? It's me after all. My writer's block seems to have disappeared and my story is flowing freely. Same can be said about my posting in "Brotherhood". The bitch is back!!! Yay! At least for a while. Ok, some idiotic bitch, who's just become a member of a discussion group I'm a member of, has been irritating me for some time now and today she truly pissed me off. All along she's been giving advice and stuff, telling everyone who would listen about the importance of mutual respect and acceptance in order to make people get along. A pretty interesting subject was being discussed and then another (longtime) member of the group told her that she didn't agree with some of the other person's otherwise interesting viewpoints on that matter. And then pure hell broke loose.... Apparently feeling hurt that someone didn't agree with her, she started a flamewar and lost whatever respect she had build up. What the hell happened to mutual respect and acceptance? Or does that only work one way? Rita..... you made a mistake and that's ok, we can all do that. But then you destroyed everything for yourself by flaming someone we all like and highly respect. A very bad move!! You have your belief, others have theirs! You preach (yes you do) about respect and acceptance of each other and yet you don't respect or accept others for what they are. People with their own beliefs and opinions! Step carefully next time you move into the middle of a tight group and start flaming people.... Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. Thank you for giving me a reason to rant! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Song of the day: "The Two Trees" - Loreena McKennitt (The Mask and Mirror)rŸTWSo a bad day got a whole lot worse! I had a major fight with the most important person in my life and from there, things took a turn for the worse. Sounds like a damn episode of "A day in the life of..." Well, definitely not the invisible man (thank you for that one, Rowan Atkinson) but of the alwaysaroundandbuggingotherpeople Lady DeSpair! I had a discussion with one of those I-know-it-all-a-lot-better-than-you types earlier today, about this "condition" of mine and of course she claims to know exactly how I feel... Right! You have no frigging idea how I feel because you haven't tried it!!! So please, stay out of my pathetic life and everything may get a whole lot better. For me at least! Why is it that people always seems to know what's best for you, when they actually don't have a clue? It's pathetic! Apart from that, certain people have gotten the idea that I need to get myself a tan... Well, not to disappoint anyone, but I've been out in the sun almost everyday in the past week! I got fried and have been peeling my own skin off.... and I'm still deathly pale! And? So what if you have to wear sun-glasses to look at me? So what if there's no reason to turn on the lights when I enter a room? (and I'm definitely not talking about my bright smile here...) Just.... go away! If you have a problem, take it somewhere else. I have enough!r TīHmm, ok so I have one of those days... *sigh* Everything's cool, the weather's great, the sun is shining, the cat's curled up next to me catching mice in her sleep.... and I just feel like screaming my lungs out. Maybe I should really try that Primal Scream therapy I've read about. Must certainly be better than this. I hate it when people are walking on eggshells around me, just waiting for me to explode and yet trying to avoid it. You're.... not ...... helping!!!!! Just leave me alone!r”TÄOk, so I'm starting a new blog because the other place (where I've had my angry blog for quite some time) suddenly got the idea that they wanted me to pay for it! Yes, really! Can you believe it? They should pay me for decorating their site with my wonderful and talented writings. Well, so you don't agree. That's ok! I forgive you. This time. Hmmm, it's weird actually. It seems that after spending more than a year on the Barrowdowns, black, green and orange are the only colours I can stand looking at for a longer duration of time. Oh well, I know I'm not the only one with that "problem" so I won't make a fuss about it. There are plenty of other topics that are screaming for my attention.r¢TÕI'm so bored I could cry! I have so much to do but I don't feel like doing it. I have a home and people to take care of... But I don't feel like doing it right now. I keep going back online, but for what? There's no reason whatsoever to be here. Why is it that the absence of one person can actually affect you that much? Geez, I think I just realized that I have no life, or at least that it's centered around one person. How pathetic! *runs off to cry in a corner*r£TOI now know that my decision about RP'ing was right! Once 'Brotherhood' is done, it's over for me. *sigh* I haven't been able to write a post for a couple of weeks... I'm trying, I really am and it's not that I don't have any ideas. I have plenty, everyone makes great posts....but when I try to start a post, I simply go blank. My brain shuts down. I feel like such a failure, having to leave it to others to use my characters. I hate that feeling. I can't tell how many times I've wished that we could just close the damn thing for a month or so. People keep disappearing without a word and we don't even have the players we need. People saying they'll join and then we never hear a word from them again. Even our game-owner is gone at the moment, although I believe that attending your own brother's funeral is a more than valid excuse. We've been cursed from the beginning. So much have happened and now the players have lost focus. What should have become a great story is now a mere shadow of what it could have been. I hate the feeling that I'm letting everyone down. Had I been made the co-owner as was suggested, it would really have been a joke. Yes, I do a lot of work behind the scenes, making things run as smoothly as possible. In fact, that's how it is in a lot of places. I'm the one you never see, the one pulling the strings. I guess that in a way I'm nothing but a puppeteer. And I don't mind, really. I'm used to working in the shadows. What I can't accept is the feeling I get when I sit for hours, staring at an empty screen, unable to write more than two lines. I feel like I've burned out. I think The Cure hit the spot with their song "39". "The fire is almost out and there's nothing left to burn" That is how I feel. I've used all I had. People claim that my writing has never been as good as it is now. Heh! If only they knew the struggle it is to make a decent post. Looking through the posts I've made in 'Brotherhood' people only see a post. I, on the other hand, see the 7-8 hours of work that often lies within my posts. Far too much time if you're not satisfied with the result anyway!r¤X,Hmmm, haven't felt like writing anything this weekend.... Still don't feel like writing anything.... Have been reading too much, I guess.... "Had I the heavensā€™ embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. " -Aedh wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, W.B. Yeatsr„T7Damn...I actually left Mordor (Land of Shadow) today. It has simply degraded into something so pathetic that I will have no more of it. Why create a Troll-forum where people can bitch at each other and then start complaining when people actually use it? It should never have been made in the first place! I thought Mordor was a Tolkien discussion board, wisely led by our dear Ringlord, but I guess I was wrong. At least I didn't think it would become a place where we would get an entire section to tell someone how much of an Orc you think (s)he is. It's no longer the place for me. Thank you and goodbye! Which leaves me roaming 3 Tolkien-forums on which I only post on one. And even that is something that doesn't happen very often anymore. I can't count the times I've considered leaving the Downs and yet I'm still there. Although mostly in lurk-mode. And should I decide to leave, I doubt few will miss me if anyone will even notice that I'm gone. No one there has ever been listening to what I had to say anyway. I should post in 'Brotherhood'. They're all expecting me to do so, but I've never been as empty as now. I can think of absolutely nothing. Definitely time for me to withdraw from RPG's! Song of the day: My Immortal - Evanescence No matter your guise, be it Elf, Dragon, Ranger or simply you, you are my immortal! Always and forever! Movie of the day: Equilibrium ( Christian Bale, Emily Watson, Sean Bean, Sean Pertwee ) To stop the inhumanity of humans, any kind of emotion is illegal. Feel and you will be killed. Brilliant movie! Must be seen! Contains a fabulous soundtrack which, of course, is not available. A very emotional soundtrack so it has probably been considered EC-10 and has been condemned. (Only those who have seen the movie will know what THAT means! So go ahead and see it. You won't regret it.)r¦Tõ Heh! I've just learned that I should start looking closer into things before accepting to do something. At least with certain persons. I'm not one who usually reads fan-fiction, especially not Tolkien based, except for a selected few that have been found worthy of my interest (you guys know who you are) and just a couple of days ago I accepted to proofread a story. Oh my.... I am a VERY open-minded person who's practically impossible to embarrass but I must admit that at one time, my eyebrows nearly ended up in my hairline. Uhm..... you COULD have warned me that it was a pretty steamy slash-fiction. Not that I care, but.... Ah well, I got myself a good laugh. Truly an... interesting (to say the least) pairing you've got there. ;p But at least you kept your filthy hands away from my Maglor! You've learned that much during the short time you've known me. :) More than once have I been asked why I join RPG's when I don't like fan-fiction. Well, I don't think you can really compare those. I consider an RPG more like a play. In 'Brotherhood' I was given a name and some personality traits for the character I had agreed to play and that's that. To me it's like being on stage. You're presented with a character and a script, now play! At first I had no idea what to do with her, I felt absolutely nothing about her. But then suddenly we established a link and I knew exactly how to work with her. A bit too well, actually, since she managed to settle herself more in my mind than I wanted her to. I even ended up having to convince some people, that it wasn't me, that I'm nothing like her. That Aman likes her as much as she does and that she's crazy about an older character of mine, Rhana, a turn-coat of the worst kind, can only be found disturbing. But we've already talked about that, right sweetie? ;p But RPG's are almost history for me. Once 'Brotherhood' has ended, I'm off. Ok, I know I've said that before, but this time I'm serious! No more RPG's for me, at least for a very long time. When writing a post feels more like a burden than something you do to have fun, then it's time to stop. I don't feel that I write very well, so why do it? Maybe someday the RPG I've been looking for for so long will turn up and I'll be able to join. But until then... I read an interesting theory on the Jack the Ripper case. Was the last victim really Mary Kelly? Those who have seen the photos from that crimescene know that the body was so mutilated that it was beyond recognision. Was it staged? urlLink Article by Des McKenna.r§T‘I'm amazed that it appears that quite a few people are now reading this thing. A weird feeling to say the least. But don't expect me to watch my mouth, because that's something I'm practically unable to do. Someone referred to an earlier entry and asked me who Michael is. Well, I guess I asked for it by mentioning him, although I didn't mean to open up for that part of my mind again after so many years. *sigh* Michael was.....an incredible person, one of those you simply can't argue with or be mad at. My boyfriend, but still so much more. He just....understood everything. You didn't have to explain anything because he just knew what you meant. All the plans we had.... And then he died in a car-crash in '95, 20 years old. It wasn't his fault. He was just there, in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's truly amazing how quickly your entire world can change. It only takes a mili-second for everything to fall apart. That's the story or at least as much of it as I'm going to tell. I've never fully recovered, that's no secret, but I'm able to live again. Heh! I'm finally learning how to drive. About time, some would say, but I haven't needed it until now. Gods, I HATE driving with a stick!!! It should be forbidden by law! Besides, it would prevent a lot of accidents... But that's not going to happen anytime soon and so I'm stuck with the damn thing. *sigh* But if my sister could make it, then I can definitely do it as well. As long as I remember that I'm surrounded by idiots out there... I'm still recovering from my vacation. It sounds strange, that you have to recover from a vacation, I know, but that's the way it is. When I left, I was exhausted mentally. When I came back, I was exhausted physically. But I'm feeling better now. And I've finally found some measure of peace. There is a day after this. There's even a day after that. Album of the day: Pisces Iscarot -Smashing Pumpkins Song of the day: Obscured - Smashing Pumpkins (Pisces Iscarot) Truly a masterpiece from Billy Corgan! Even people who despise Smashing Pumpkins have given in to this track. Quiet and soothing, touching the darkness and yet reaching out for the light. Brilliant!rØX.Honey, I'm ho-ome!!!!!!! Whoever said vacations are good for the soul and the health had no idea what he (or she, but not likely) was talking about!!!! After 9 hours of driving and 2Ā½ hours of sailing we (my parents and I, yes I know some may find it pathetic to go on vacatin with my parents, but they invited me and they paid for the thing, so...) were finally able to drag ourselves over the doorstep of one of the most pathetic houses I've ever set foot in. And then it all started... My mom and I are, apart from very good friends, very much alike and both terribly dominating (no one guessed that, right?) which is bound to lead to trouble when we're both placed in a small hole together for a week. Poor, poor dad...... me: Mom......? mom: .... me: Mom! mom: .... me: MOM!!! *quickly pulls mom out of the kitchen and turns off the stove which mom has accidentally turned on....with a large, now melting, plastic box on it. * me: *hissing just about every known curse and bad words in the Danish language* mom: Do you have really to say all that? me: YES!!! mom: Don't inhale that. Don't want you to get sick or hurt yourself. me: OUT! Which is why everything smelled and tasted like burned plastic for the rest of that day... Yuck! Then, when I danced on the cliffs, she nearly got a heart-attack. mom: Get away from there! me: .... mom: You are aware that there's absolutely no support under that rock...? me: Yup! And the surface of the sea is 60 ft below me! mom: Get away from there! me: .... mom: Stop looking at me like that! me: Mommy dearest....I'm an adult! I can look at people any way I want. Besides, I have to take a picture over the edge! mom: .... Still tired, stressed out, too much sugar, too much food...too little rest. And too much sun... I'm now showing off the Danish national colours (red and white). And now, after 2Ā½ hours of sailing and 9 hours of driving, I'm back home... Ok, off to bed! Album of the day: Fields of Gold - Sting This album has one big mistake. Shape of my heart isn't on it.... *sniff* Otherwise, it's perfect!r©XoSo..... Today's the day! I know I should be thrilled that I'm finally going on vacation, but.... I'm simply too tired and have far too much on my mind to even enjoy the thought. You're awake for more than 30 hours, suffering from stress, guilt and having barely eaten anything for several days, then finally get some sleep..... and is wide awake again 3Ā½ hours later..... Sleep deprivation? Nah! Totally overrated! I'm not even hallucinating, so what's the fuss? But I should get going. Everything's packed and I'm ready to be picked up. Or at least I should be. But DAMN I'll miss my beloved computer!!! *sob* But I guess most of you can use one week of silence from this corner. I bid you all a very fond farewell.... Damn, did I really say that? Me, using words said by a HOBBIT of all evil creatures...? Guess that proves that I AM losing it! *faints* Anyway, I will be back in a week. Behave yourselves in my absence. And yes, that means you too, Helka! So to all: Farvel, goodbye, adieu, ave, tot ziens, auf wiedersehen, adiĆ³s, au revoir, ŠæрŠ¾Ń‰Š°Š½ŠøŠµ, arrivederci..... Song of the day (or at least this morning so far): Dante's Prayer - Loreena McKennitt (The book of Secrets) Peaceful, sooting and simply magnificent! "Though we share this humble path, alone How fragile is the heart Oh give these clay feet wings to fly To touch the face of the stars Breathe life into this feeble heart Lift this mortal veil of fear Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears We'll rise above these earthly cares Cast your eyes on the ocean Cast your soul to the sea When the dark night seems endless Please remember me...."rŖTI have lost someone very dear to me. Someone I cared deeply about, for being the friend he was. Someone who actually seemed to care.... Someone who could almost always make me laugh or at least smile... If I had any tears left, I would cry.....but I can't. I've used them all... May the grace of the Goddess ever shine upon your path! People tell me all the time how cold I am, but if that is the case, would I really care, then? Damn, I just realised that I've been up for nearly 31 hours now. But how the hell should I be able to sleep?r«TčWhat do you do when someone you've trusted, someone you confided in, suddenly goes behind your back and betrays you? I mean.... once the white-hot fury has settled....and you've managed to keep yourself from screaming out a curse (they work, you know).... you have to do something.... Right? Are people simply trying to make bad things worse? Hmmm... Maybe I should just say thanks! I've just been reminded of why I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone! *bangs head against wall*r¬T½Yay! Only two days to go and I'm off! I can't recall ever needing anything like I do this vacation. One week away from everything, from everyone....alone with my troubled thoughts. Maybe I can solve this...maybe I can't... Only time will tell. Why is it that things are always dawning on you when it's practically too late to do anything about it? I'm confused, I'm sad and I'm angry....all at once, making everything a big blur. Well.... actually, I've grown numb. That's what happens when too many emotions are fighting each other to be the primary devil in the mind and causes the emotional center in the brain to shut down temporarily. It's a simple chemical reaction in the brain, to prevent the mind from getting lost beyond the dark doors of insanity, nothing more.... but damn it feels good when it finally sets in. That's when nothing really matters anymore and you realize that life goes on, with or without you. I found a friend. Someone who managed to pull me back up when I hit the floor and eased my mind so I, for once, was able to sleep at night and I am grateful for that. I dared to trust you from the beginning, but I never had the guts to turn to you before now. I thank you for helping me up, though I hope you won't have to again. Thank you for being who you are! -"I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask. I do not know, but I feel that it is happening and am tormented." -Catullusr­TIt is a strange feeling when you finally realize that your relationship is crumpling and breaking between your hands and slowly slipping from your fingers. And that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Did I care too much? Crave too much? Why all the kind and sweet words, if they are just that? Words.... I wish...... I don't know what I wish... is there anything left to wish for? I no longer know what to think or feel.....or how to... Does it even matter anymore? How can I make you understand, make you see, when you don't want to see? How can I tell you when you don't want to hear? I'm trying, but I'm losing....... -"Tell me that one day I'll find the courage to have the life I've dreamed of." -Zazier®T6Yay, I actually managed to get 5 hours of sleep for once. Truly amazing! Someone asked me this weekend, why I'm being such a bitch at times. Standard answer: Because I can! Well, sugar.... If you deserve it, I show no mercy! Ah, so Mad Maddox has been "released" from the Cuckoo's Nest once again. You would think that they'd know you by now, right sweetie? ;-p Good to know that you're back to..... well... since I can't say 'normal' I'll just say 'your old self'. *snickers* Glad I could be of some service by entertaining you with this blog. For those who doesn't know, Maddox, mostly known as "The Twit", is my former forum-master on the Crypto-zoo forum where I used to be an admin. One of the few guys who pass the "test" although he hasn't turned 35 just yet (one year to go, sweetie). He's a great guy with a mind even more twisted than mine, so beware. He also has the bad habit, from time to time, of asking me to marry him. No way!!! Why not, you ask? 1. I know you! 2. You're gay and I don't want to fight with Steve all the time! 3. I've seen you naked and it nearly made me weep because of reason #2!!! Hmmm, must be why Steve always seems to be in a bliss.... *tries to look innocent but fails utterly* It has come to my attention that the forum wants their 'Ruthless Reaper' back. Well guys, I'm sorry but that's impossible. I hacked Master Maddox' account and deleted my own. Well, ok... so I didn't hack it, he gave me the password long ago so I could run things from there when he was....indisposed, but I did delete my account and since I helped close the forum to new members, it's not that easy to come back, even if I wanted to. I'm aware that the forum has turned into something it shouldn't in our absence, but with all due respect, it's no longer my problem. I ran that forum practically alone and if I want that again, I'll start my own. Maddox, your e-mail isn't working but I know you'll read this sooner or later. I seem to have lost the theme article I wrote on Tunguska. Please send it to me, thank you. It's the only one missing, I have all the others.rÆUbSo the celebrating of Lughnassad has come to an end. Hope everyone got through safe and sound! ;-pr°TžJust finished watching 'Phonebooth'. Pretty sweet! Should teach some people to never answer a phone that doesn't belong to them. About movies.... Someone asked me about all these movies I mention here and wanted to know if I really am some movie-maniac who do nothing but watch movies all the time. The answer is, that I have some..... 250-something DVD's and I usually have a movie running in the background when working at the computer. Which I do a lot, so there's your explanation. ;-) I ran into my old music teacher and vocal-trainer today and it really turned into a fun experience. We decided to go back to her home and experience "the good old days" once again and we soon found ourselves by her piano. She said that we could just warm up by starting slowly and being as much of a Loreena McKennitt fan as myself, she immediately started playing "Dante's Prayer" which I knew was my cue. The song went well (if you ask me) since I know it forwards, backwards and even in my sleep and it's pretty good for warming up. The challenge (or should I say disaster) came 2 seconds after finishing the song, when she forced me onto L.M's "Courtyard Lullaby". That one went pretty well too, or so I thought, until we finished it and looked at me like I had just been singing the lyrics for another song and she looked like she was going to cry. "What the HELL have you been doing? I thought you were singing in those bars, not emptying what they had behind the counter!" I had to explain that singing Irish folk songs aka Irish drinking songs, need a little "flavour and mood". And then she laughed and said that at least I no longer sound like Janis Joplin. Nope, I don't! As much as I love Janis, though, I learned from that experience that it's best to shut up when you've lost your voice or you may end up sounding like the Lady for 3 weeks. She's never forgiven me for not keeping quiet during those 3 weeks, but honestly, if you suddenly sound like Janis Joplin, you damn better use it for something good. So I kept singing. Hehe!r±T Men! What do we need them for? Do we even need them? For more than testing our own (lack of) patience and stress-level, that is. And yet.....there's just something about them. I had a discussion about men last night, with someone I know, but it didn't take long before others decided to join. My friend claimed, that whenever you see a relationship with a remarkable age-difference, it simply can't be out of love but is because of money. UsuallyI'm able to compose myself, but that remark caused me to see red. According to her, you shouldn't have an age-difference of more than 5 years (and it damn better not be the guy who's the younger). 5 years, huh? Well, let me tell you something. Of all the relationships I've had (and I don't intend to count but it's far too many, ok?) with guys my own age, only one didn't end in a complete disaster. Ok, so I may not have made the best choices in my life, but who the hell cares?!? Fact is that you just can't judge people like that! If you ask me, few guys are attractive until they reach the age of 35. There you have it! Why, you ask? Because that's when they finally grow up! You can have this guy you've never really noticed and on the morning of his 35th birthday, WHAM! Right in your face. Ooh la la! Gimme! So, now I'm being called an opportunist. O......k! So just because I prefer men who are acting like adults, it turns out that I'm actually just going for the money! Hmmm, amazing what other people can tell you about yourself and your views. I must say that if it's money you're after, wouldn't it be a lot better to pull an 'Anna Nicole Smith' on some senile 90-year old millionaire instead of picking a 45-year old with a normal income? Well, I just ask.... The discussion naturally turned to the matter of money and once again I ask what do we need it for? Money, the root to all evil! No, men are, I know, but let's stay with the cliches and old beliefs for a while. "Money doesn't make you happy!" We've all heard that before, but damn, it's true! You see the career-riders out there, making lots of money, spending long hours in the office....and when they go home they have nothing. Money may place you in a certain spot in society, but they don't keep you warm at night! Ok, so you can buy that as well, but that doesn't really count, does it? Moeny's not a bad thing to have, but I certainly don't want it at all costs. To combine these things, can you be happy with an older guy who has lots of money? Good question.... I don't know the answer and I truly doubt I ever will. And that's fine with me!r²TRI went for a nice long walk in the forest today, alone, all by myself. Just me, the whispering trees, the warming sun caressing my skin and the soothing touch of the wind as it lazily played with my hair. Having completely lost track of time, I found myself by a small brook and next I had tied up my long skirt and kicked off my boots. Yes, I am one of those people who have my very own sense of fashion, which means that I almost always wear army boots whether I'm in jeans or wearing one of my long flowing dresses, no matter the season or temperature. I sat down and relaxed, feeling the cool water surrounding my feet and let go, listening to the voice of Nature and the stories she told. How long I was sitting there I know not, but a rustling sound got my attention and I caught a glimpse of a screaming red colour out of the corner of my eye. Keeping perfectly still, I observed the squirrel for quite some time as he slowly came closer to me, having obviously eyed the remains of my discarded apple. Becoming more bold, apparently deciding that I was no threat, he quickly came closer until he was so near I could have reached out and touched him. Daring for a moment to turn his back on me, he snatched the apple and moved away but only a few feet and began to eat, still watching me closely as if to see if I had more for him. Wishing that I did, I watched him as he ate, seeing the fine details of this small creature, the way he held and turned the food in his small "hands", the strong red of his fur and the fine white of his throat and belly, he certainly was a beauty. Having finished and realised that I didn't have anymore for him, he looked at me once and disappeared up in the tree nest to him. Finally able to move again, I quickly removed my now icy cold feet from the water and tried to get a little life back into my sleeping legs. As I was leaving, I turned once and looked up into the tree. There he was, sitting on his throne in the branches, his black eyes watching me. With a smile I turned and left, knowing that I had just had a wonderful encounter with one of nature's gentle spirits.r³T—" Huge erection causes blushes on the eve of Royal visit A giant statue of a naked man with a two-foot erection has caused a row in Salzburg after it was unveiled on the eve of a visit by Prince Charles. Salzburg's mayor Heinz Schaden said he was horrified when he realised what the artwork comprised. He said it would be impossible for Prince Charles to avoid seeing the figure when he arrives in the city and wants it taken down immediately. Mr Schaden said: "No-one asked me or my office for permission to put this up, and if they had, we would have said no. I can't stress strongly enough how totally tasteless this is, and have demanded immediately that those responsible take it down." Called Arc de Triomphe, the statue by artists Ali Janka, Wolfgang Gantner, Tobias Urban and Florian Reither shows a naked man bending over backwards with his hands on the ground and a two-foot erection thrusting into the sky. The statue was described as a tribute to Viagra and was unveiled in front of the Rupertinum Modern Art Gallery, one day before Charles was due to fly in for a visit to the Salzburg Festival." Culled from: Ananova urlLink Full story and picture of the naughty statue Ok, now that I've finally stopped laughing hysterically.... My, my..... That is....er... interesting... to say the least. *giggles* I must admit that when I saw the picture of that statue.... gods... I laughed so hard I had to go dry my eyes. I really like that thing with the water! Sure adds some detail. *breaks into hysterical laughter again* Uhm... Am I the only one who'd like to see who they used as a model for that thing? *broad grin* I wonder why they don't put up stuff like that here . We only have less interesting pieces of... "art" Like that ugly fountain with those ugly frogs. And no! I wasn't drunk! No! I didn't trip into the water and no! I didn't kiss that damn frog! That photo is a fake! Period! (denial, denial, denial)r“TfHow the heck it happened, I don't know.... but I actually passed the driving test..... I now have a driver's licence..... Hmmmmmm..... All I can say is: Be afraid! Be very afraid! [insert evil laughter here] Album of the day: urlLink A day without rain - Enya Somehow I managed to forget about this CD for more than a year....but now it's back and it's here to stay! Probably the best album the lady has made so far, although one of my clear favourites of hers, Boadicea, is older than that and so it's missing. A lot of people actually find that particular "song" rather strange, but I've loved it ever since I heard it the first time, many years ago. In fact that was in the Stephen King movie Sleepwalkers , a movie that I actually like. Seeing that movie actually kicked me into a crazy search for the answer to one single question. In the very beginning of that movie, there is a quote from a book, an Encyclopedia of Arcane Knowledge . No one has been able to answer me whether that is actually a real book, or if the dear Mr. King just made it up. Although, I have seen books with descriptions of creatures stranger than these "Sleepwalkers". And yes, Maddox, I know you're probably rolling your eyes and yawning right now, as it isn't exactly the Necronomicon , but honestly, I find this a tad more interesting, so no comments on that, thank you very much! ;prµTmAnother day, another week. Only 6 more weeks and my life will once again be worth living. For about a week....then I'll sadly enough have to send the dragon back to its treasure in the US. *sigh* The time from then until New Years, when I'll once again be resting in the dragon's lair, will be horrible. *sniff* Heh! Someone sent me Nico Claux's e-mail addy. Nico, who's also known as "The vampire of Paris". Uhm.... thanks pal, but what do I need that for? No matter how interesting or fascinating a cannibalistic killer may be, I've had enough correspondence with cons of different kinds to cover a lifetime. I simply don't have the time anymore. Yay, the kids-discussion came up again. Just fucking great! And now I feel like I've been run over by a truck. What's the point anyway? Might just as well go and ask the Dr.'s to rip it all out, because I don't fucking need it! Could probably be donated to someone who's able to put it to good use..... Song of the day: "Clocks" - Coldplay urlLink (A Rush of Blood to the Head) Just so damn relaxing when you're in a bad mood..... And I'm in a VERY bad mood right now....r¶TØWe won the case!!!!! Of course we did! It wasn't even a question! *makes funny little dance* Which led to a discussion with someone about court-room "dramas". We see it time after time on TV and in movies, "Raise your right hand, swear on the Bible".... But what about non-Christians? I mean.... don't get me wrong, but I can swear on the Bible and the next moment lie so you wouldn't know what to look for (not that I would, but you get the point). It really wouldn't have the desired effect. What would they do? Use my large book of herbal lore? Probably the closest you'll come to something resembling a bible to me. Guess I was simply born to ask all the weird questions.r·XÆSomeone has shown a great interest in my RPG-idea but I don't know if I'm ready to "sell" it just yet. Although it may end that way, since I've proved to be a complete and utter failure, when it comes to writing in RPG's. Some say it could become a fabulous fan-fic, but since I simply refuse to write fan-fic, that's really not an option. Guess that if I want to see it happen, I'll have to pass it on. And right now there's already a taker. Only problem is, that after hearing out my thoughts an ideas on the matter, he has one demand. That I play the part of my dear Maglor. "You have an understanding for misery and despair that no one else I know does!" Gee, thanks mate! Just what I've always wanted to hear... Anyway, that may all sound very good. Except for one thing! If I accept this, I'll end up in a new RPG. Then I might just as well run the thing myself. So this idea which has been brewing for 1Ā½ years now is very close to being flushed out the drain. Who would have any interest in writing about the Dagor Dagorath anyway...? I've only come across 3 so far and only one has actually read about it. But it's truly amazing how a single comment by someone can end up in a twisted idea for a RPG. Guess that although it may never be, I should say thanks to Nazzy10 for planting the seed for this in my head by telling me, that my only purpose in life is to release Melkor from the Void. But who cares? Movie of the day: urlLink 28 days later As a horror movie, it doesn't really hit. I'd recommend urlLink Resident Evil over this. What makes this movie brilliant though, is the psychological aspect. When it all comes down to survival, what becomes of our so-called civilised behaviour? We, as humans, are only one very small step above all other animals and when it's a matter of our own survival....it's basic human nature at its best. Or should I say worst?!?! That is what makes this movie worth seeing more than once. As I already have. ;prøT{Ah, geez.... Someone managed to start a topic on the Downs which I can't recall ever having seen before. I believe it was something about Balrogs and wings.... *rolls eyes* And Rimbaud threw around the same wonderful humour as always. Today a person directed me to this oh so funny blog that I simply just HAD to see.... Amazing how people just know exactly what I have to see or do or what not to. Well, it turns out that it was Burrahobbit's, which means that this was my second visit to that place. *sigh* I don't get it... Honestly, what's so funny about what he's doing? Hmmm, maybe I should go "au naturelle" like Burra and start a new blog, perhaps one about my non-existent sex-life. Guess a lot of people would find that, if not interesting, then at least horribly pathetic! Should be able to provide people with a good laugh, if anyone should possibly stay awake for that long.r¹TĢHehe! Hehehehe! I'm truly sorry that I'm in such a good mood (no, not really but it sounded good!). I just finished watching urlLink The Ring and I haven't stopped laughing yet. I never really intended to watch this movie, but when several people told me that it was pretty good, I decided to give it a shot. And my, I haven't laughed this hard since....hmmmm, when did I laugh like this...? Probably the last time I put on urlLink The Exorcist .... Or urlLink Hellraiser . Hehe! Yes, Pinhead and Darth Vader are my childhood heroes. Must be the leather! *siiiiiiiiiigh* ;p Anyway, I didn't expect much from this movie but I decided to give it a try and I honestly admit that I was surprised. It actually has a story! At one time I started thinking "No! It can't just be this simple!" when I couldn't stop thinking urlLink Stir of Echoes (BRILLIANT movie! MUCH better than urlLink 6th Sense , but sadly kept in its shadow). But then everything took a turn and the movie saved itself. And I'm still laughing. What a sweet and utterly wicked idea! The best part is the "forbidden" movie itself. What a masterpiece! Like a wonderful mix of the best (or worst?) of E.A. Poe and H.P. Lovecraft. Makes me want to start digging in the old stuff and read Lovecraft again. The gods know it's too many years ago. Ah, I'm in the mood for more. Wonder if I should put on my favourite movie, urlLink Event Horizon . *gasp* WHAT??? My favourite movie isn't LOTR??? NO FRIGGING WAY!!!! I prefer movies that are able to move me in some way. urlLink Fellowship... is ok. It has its moments but urlLink TTT .... *sigh* What can I say? There are 3 things in that movie that I find worth watching. Gandalf's fight with the Balrog, Gollum (what an adorable creature! I want one!) and then the final seconds before the credits, when the view goes to Mordor. The fiery sky with the lightning, the Nazgul in the air and the tower.... The only scene in the two movies that can make me teary-eyed. That is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen!!!! I would give anything to have that particular picture as a wall-painting in my apartment. *sigh* Guess I could call it a "room with a view" then.... ;p Anyway, I'm off to find another funny movie! Hehe!rŗTÓI passed the damn thing!!!!! Got the theory over with, now it's just a few more lessons and then it's the final driving test. Which I'm not at all nervous about. Why should I be? I'm just going to drive a car.... No big deal!*makes funny little dance* This is going to be a gooooooood weekend! *makes funny little dance again* Peeked in at the Barrowdowns chat last night. I knew I shouldn't have and once again I found that it's extremely sad what it has become. I've had wonderful Tolkien discussions (and other topics) on MSN- and Yahoo Messenger. Aman, we miss you big time on MSN!!!! Sadly, she's not the only one who's disappeared. But all who may be interested, you know the despairing addy. I'm here everyday.r»TMaddox, sweetie, I LOVE opening my inbox and finding another of your one-liners! The one today was brilliant! "Christi, you're insane!" NO secret! But, uhm... I'M not the one going back to the Cuckoo's Nest every other month. ;p Had an interesting "conversation" with a nurse today. She was sitting there, twisting what seemed to be the very last drop of blood from my body, smiling ever so sweetly. Nurse: You look pale... Me: I'm always pale! Nurse: sure you're alright? Me: Positive! Nurse: Let me know if you start feeling bad. Me: I'm not! Nurse: it's just so you don't faint... Me: I'm not going to faint! I've never fainted! I'm too damn stubborn to faint! A dog bit off half my face (well, almost) when I was 9 and I didn't faint! I'm not going to faint so just do your job and don't worry! Nurse: ..... Yes, I know, I could've been nicer to her but I really didn't feel like it. These days I don't feel like being nice to anyone. At least not anyone who has to do with hospitals. (Sorry, love, you know you're an exception!)r¼TĒMy, my... No one's dared to officially comment on Sunday's entry, but DAMN have they flooded my e-mail, telling me what a sick, twisted and perverted person I am. Well... DUH! That's really old news, sweethearts and I've never claimed to be otherwise. Claim what you want, the Bodyworld Exhibit is mostly minded on science and studies of the human body and no one's telling you to go there if you don't want. And I DID warn you! Am feeling a lot better today, but the mere thought that I have more bloodsamples taken (10 or 12) tomorrow really doesn't make me want to jump around from joy. *sigh* As if I don't have something better to do with my time than letting them suck out all my blood. And I had Anemia already before they started that... I'm just about fed up with Blooger.com. So much that I've started considering the unthinkable.... moving to *gulp* Xanga.... But I won't do it in silence. Everyone will be sure to know if that's going to happen.r½T-BLLGH! I feel like... I don't know... Just came back from the Dr. More tests! Tests tests, tests. Bloodsample after bloodsample. I doubt I have much more blood they can take. Soon they'll start ripping off my skin as well. *sigh* Better throw myself on the couch and feel lousy for a while. *sniff*r¾X(Damn! This thing's been down and acting strangely most of the weekend. Which means I haven't been able to say anything here. *sob sniffle howl* Realised yesterday that GĆ¼nther Van Hagens' "Bodyworld Exhibit" will be in Hamburg, Germany until January. I wanna go! I wanna go! *sigh* Frightening to some, exTREMEly fascinating to others. Heh, like me! A dream to some, a nightmare to others! ;p Here's a couple of links for those who might be interested. Warning!!! Probably not for the weak-hearted. urlLink Official site urlLink "Eye-account"ræT Oh, no.... oh no.... *laughs hyserically* urlLink Must read! Hmmm, don't know if you can call that guy a jackass.... But he's certainly SOME kind of.. uhm... ass.... As much of it he has left, that is.*snickers* Too bad he didn't die. I'm sure there would've been a Darwin Award waiting for him then. Hmm, other things claim my attention for now but I'm sure I'll be back soon to update this... Stay tuned! ;prĄTFOh, my, now we're at it again. Once again someone has created a thread on the Downs to ask us all the brilliant, interesting and thought-provoking question: Who do YOU think should have played [insert name here] in the movie? This time it's about Arwen. *sigh* When do people face the truth? They may not be satisfied with the result but there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. And no one cares! It's all a matter of taste. We all have certain actors we prefer but unless you start saving your hard-earned money right NOW so you can make YOUR version of the movie in about..... say a couple of hundred thousand years, it doesn't really matter who you think should've played the part. Because he/she didn't! Simple as that! Accept it or don't watch the movie. It's really not that supergreat anyway. One thing that can really annoy me, is when people openly admit that they can't tell two movies apart. "Oh, yeah, I saw Elrond and I yelled 'AGENT SMITH' so everyone could hear what a dork I am!" Ahem! Why is it that people for some reason have to make that connection? You don't look at Gandalf (Ian McKellen) and yell " Hey, that's the nazi Richard III dude" . Or look at Bilbo (Ian Holm) and say "Wow, that insane android from Alien is actually a Hobbit!" Or do you? I really hope not. A movie is a movie is a movie! Actors are actors! Elrond is NOT Agent Smith! They're both characters, played by Hugo Weaving. Hugo is an actor. Repeat after me ac-tor! Good! And no, he's not too old or anything. He's PERFECT! He's.... oh....right...forgot there are actually people reading this thing. *shoves tongue back behind teeth* But anyway. How many times can people tell who they think should've been what? Accept that it is the way it is. PLEASE!?! Yup, I know that word isn't one of my regular ones to use but it does work from time to time.rĮT;Hmmm, some very weird things are going on here. First I had no problems while testing the comments function but apparently everybody else got an error message. Then I played just a bit with the code and had someone testing it for me (thanks Helky) and now it seems to work. Apart from the small detail that now I can't see any comments on the site. Good thing is that I can see all comments elsewhere so don't let that keep you from saying something. Still don't know what's going on, though. Guess too little sleep and too much caffeine doesn't help much right now.rĀTtYAY! They finally came up with a way to include comments. So go ahead and comment! And for you people who'd like to flame me (you do so very nicely in my e-mail) please do so. It's September and Denmark is getting really cold now and since I think that everything below 65 F is cold, then I can really use something to warm this place up! Which can also provide a good laugh! Hehe! Joe updated his photo gallery for the Downs today and already someone commented on my picture. Well, what can I say? I didn't get the Beanie Baby Award for nothing! ;p (woops, looks like mud on the halo!) Movie of the day: The two final episodes of Farscape . I could weep! There's only on thing I have to say: I hate FOX Network!!! Why, oh why did they have to cancel it? They only had one season left. It had been planned that way all along! 5 seasons- the end! Not like all those pathetic never ending shows without a proper story. *Cough*Stargate,Xena, Buffy*cough* Instead, FOX decides to buy it and stop it. Now we'll just have to deal with the fact that the most brilliant Sci-Fi show ever has left us hanging with a half ending. *sigh*rĆTAAn extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost". Happy Samhain, Halloween, Alle Helgen and so on to all!rÄTsYou go to work, do your job....and everytime you turn around to do something, you can feel this guy's eyes being glued to your butt... among other things. Believe me, I now know the old movie cliche is true. You know, "Oi! Look at me....I'm up here! Those are not my eyes!!!" Grrrrrrrrrr.... I'm so sick of men right now I could scream! What do we need them for anyway?rÅUQSometimes I get the feeling that I've been placed in the middle of a cosmic joke.rĘTDI actually slept for about three hours today. Almost too much! ;p After all it is possible to sleep too much. Hmmmm, sems I made the challenge too hard for the poor people on the Downs. No one's even tried to answer my question in the "BD'ers Trivia" thread. Just because they'd have to actually go look it up. Well, welcome to the real world, my friends. Here things don't come easily, you'll have to work for it! Ah well...but since no one's even asked for a hint, I guess they just couldn't care less. Not my problem. Gives me more time to...uhm... be awake. *rolls eyes*rĒUNeed.....sleep....rČTąDamn I'm tired!!! And I won't get much sleep tonight either (no you perverts! That's not why!!! *sigh* If only... *rolls eyes*) Work, work, work, work, work, work, work....... Have been studying Rorschach pictures for a couple of hours (I'm still using them for scaring people). Hmm, I honestly think I just saw Mothman, Nessie and Bigfoot... And they all came out of the same UFO.... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... *slaps forehead* But it'll soon be weekend. What do you mean it's only Monday? I know it's Monday! And what do you mean that 2 hours of sleep a day is unhealthy? I'm busy! I don't have time to sleep! Sleep is overrated anyway. Maddox, Maddox, Maddox..... What am I to do with you...? Sometimes you're really an idiot!rÉTŃInbox: 23 Bulk Mail Folder (spam): 238 What...is wrong....with this picture??????? I check that particular e-mail once or twice a week and usually, the bulk mail contains about three times as much as the inbox.... but although math has never been my greatest talent, I do know that 3x23 is not 238!!!!! And since, on Yahoo, you can only block 100 addy's and I did that long ago, I guess I'll just have to live with this. But damn it's annoying. As if I care about all their pathetic porn sites. *rolls eyes* Although, maybe if I began looking through them *puke* I might someday find that rather.....revealing picture one of my dearly beloved (not) ex'es put up on the web just to piss me off. And it seems that I'm just about the only person who doesn't know the URL... So girlies... listen to me. A guy and a girl, two bottles of vodka and a camera is not and I repeat not a good combination!!!!! It may be fun and innocent until the moment you break up and hate each other. Anyway... Any bets on Super Bowl? I'd say Chiefs vs. Vikings may be a good shot. But I don't know...we'll see. It was a bit of a surprise that the Bucs ran off with the victory last year, so I won't make any bets on anything.rŹT<Attention! Someone REALLY needs to update his blog!!! Argh! Found yet another thread on the Downs about how difficult it is to read the Silmarillion. Uhm....I really must be an idiot, because I've never found anything about the Sil difficult. On the contrary, of Tolkien's books (at least those I've read) I very much prefer this book over LOTR, which has a tendency of making me fall asleep. There, it's said! The first time I read that book, I truly thought I'd never know what happened after Pippin and Gandalf arrived in Gondor, since I simply couldn't get through that part. *yaaaaawn* In all honesty, I think I spent as much time on that particular chapter, as I had used on getting to it. And another thread: "Do you think the lord of the Rings book is better than the film?" *bangs head against wall* No, of course I don't think the books are better than the movie. PJ's version is so much better than those pathetic books. And he really did the right thing, leaving out all those more or less important characters. One thing I would've done differently though, is that I would've let Arwen take the ring to Mordor!!! Uhm... why do you all look at me like that? You don't think it would work? I mean....if she could steal Glorfindel's horse and a sword and pretend to be Xena (no! I do NOT watch that show!!!) then why couldn't she just kick that darn Hobbit out of the way, grab the ring and go to Mordor? Surely she could do that. And if we were lucky, she would trip and go with the ring into Mt. Doom....! What do you mean? Of course I don't have anything against Arwen! How did anyone get that idea? Song of the day: "In my place" - Coldplay urlLink (A Rush of Blood to the Head) I was lost, I was lost, Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed, How long must you wait for it? How long must you pay for it?rĖTII've never liked Frodo, but who would've thought I would beat him up and take his place as the one with only 9 fingers...? Or at least that's how many digits I'm able to use at the moment. It wasn't Gollum but only my own stupidity and so I'm now waiting for my poor finger to heal. If I'll ever get rid of the infection, that is. *sigh* I never thought it could be this difficult to type. Anyway... my life is the usual dull, boring, lonely misery as always, so no surprises for anyone there. The cold and darkness is getting closer everyday, letting us all know that autumn is really here. I hate it!!! I want... no, I crave summer!!! But that's just what you have to deal with when you live in freezing Scandinavia... And Maddox.... please refrain from telling me that the temperature we've got here during the summer, is what you have in Florida during the friggin' winter. I've heard that enough! Album of the day: urlLink Surrealistic Pillow - Jefferson Airplane What can I say? We're talking White Rabbit here.... Ah, I miss the good ol' days when I sang that one myself.rĢTPOoooh, what a game!!!! Of course Raiders lost, would've been a miracle if they didn't, but damn, did they put up a fight! *sigh* I managed to do it again... I got kicked off a board for getting in a fight with the powers. But honestly, when you realise that the board admins are nothing but powerhungry teens and one of the leading moderators goes by the name "Orli's mine", then I simply can't help myself. But I do believe that I manage to behave on the Downs. At least I don't fight the admins or the mods. Drive them crazy, yes, but no fights. Unless of course they ask for it! Hehe!rĶU’Wahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!! *sob* Chiefs vs. Raiders!!!!! Tonight!!! And I'll be at work at the time!!!! AAAARRRGH!!! Sweet, wonderful, nice little DCD-recorder... PLEEEEASE be good and record this. Mmm? NO ONE bothers me tomorrow! I have a game to watch!rĪTDAMMIT!!!!! Just received the news that my copy of TTT, the extended version has been delayed all over Europe, so I'll be lucky if I have it by Thursday. *sigh* I WANT MY GOLLUM FIGURINE!!! Grrrrr... And I'm curious as to whether the extra scenes will actually manage to make the movie worth seeing or not. "Fellowship" became an entirely different movie and I simply refuse to see any other version of it, but this movie.... *sigh* I mean.... it will take a LOT to impress me!!! And I'm afraid it won't happen! Hmmm, for some reason people keep looking at me in a funny way when they ask me about the drive home Saturday and I tell them about my road-rage and speeding. Ok, so you're only supposed to go 110 km/h on the freeway, but really, 140 feels SO much better... And then there are all the idiots out there... *sigh* Men! They just have to show off! What do we need them for anyway??? Ok, so a few suggestions come to mind, but still....?!?! Anyway, there seems to be no way around them, so I guess we'll just have to live with them.rĻTGSo, I'm back from my vacation. I must say the weather pretty much resembles my mood. It's been raining nearly constantly almost since I left the airport early yesterday and it certainly does not improve anything. *sigh* Ah well....In about 40 days I'm the one crossing the ocean, so this time it's easier to endure. Gods... where do I start...!?!? So much have happened. We actually cut my hair (3-4 inches) so it'll certainly be a while before I'll end up sitting on it again. Damn, it feels strange, it's so short. Although most people probably won't even notice. tsk tsk. My mom taught me not to play with food, but she obviously has no idea what whipped cream is for....*blinks innocently* It's been a wonderful week, no doubt, only much too short! And so it's back to work, starting out with 12-14 hour workdays. Yay! *rolls eyes*rŠTI'm leaving for a week very early tomorrow morning. Once I've picked up a certain someone at the airport, I'll be able to relax a bit. Something I need more than anything these days. Take care everyone! Try not to miss me too much, ok? Hugs to everyone!rŃT°For a time I managed not to live up to my nick as the Lady DeSpair...but in this very moment I see no point in being anything but that. Just when everything seems to fall into place, when life just couldn't be better.....after far too many tests and samples, you get the message from the Dr. that you have an incurable disease. The world doesn't stop just because of that, I know. But right now, to me, it certainly feels like it!rŅT The most wonderful thing happened this morning (well, ok, so it was 3.30am, but whatever). I was at work, running around like crazy when suddenly my cell phone rang. I looked and it said "No number" and I was like "HUH? What?" People don't usually call me up at that time, so I was a bit puzzled when I answered. Only to hear the voice I've been missing for far too long. "Just wanted to check that my phone-card's working and who would be better to call than you?" Awwwwwww...so sweet!!! *siiiigh* Only 3 more days...rÓToIf only, if only, if only..... If only there were more than 24 hours in a day.... If only there were more than 7 days in a week.... If only I didn't have so much to do, so much to finish before Friday.... If only I weren't so damn clumsy, lately! I seems that just by walking from here to the kitchen and back, I'm about to kill myself (with some help from my cat).rŌTŚ*sigh* Raiders lost...again! Although it seems they're about to replace their quarterback and so there may still be a chance for them. And Hell may freeze over...when there are two Thursdays in one week. But there's nothing wrong in hoping for the unthinkable to happen. Hmm, last time I commented on someone's lack of updates to his blog, it actually worked, so I think I'll try again since it's been nearly a month. Several people really need to update their blogs!!! I've almost started wondering if certain people are even online anymore. Guys, where are you? Heh, received a link for the coolest quiz/test. urlLink Try it! And let me know if you can tell the difference. I got 7 out of 10. *makes funny little dance*rÕT-Top 10 Indications That Cats Are The Evolutionary Descendants Of Dragons 10. Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of position/facial statement 9. Really wicked breath 8. Enjoy toying with mortals 7. They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath 6. Ability to gain total control over the humans in its territory 5. Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (and upholstery) 4. Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls 3. The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebears 2. Habit of playing with food 1. Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep Hmmmm... Guess we just solved an evolutionary riddle... And on that note... Her Highness is trying to tell me there's something she wants... Ai! I am but a humble slave.rÖT«Another year, another birthday... Why everyone else must celebrate such a thing, I don't know. I'm usually mourning. When I was little I wished that it could be my birthday every day. Now I see that insanity actually hit me at a very early stage in life. *rolls eyes* And then of course there's the "threat" hanging over my head with the words of my dear betrothed. "You might as well get used to it because the girls and I will be celebrating you every year!" *gulp* One thing has changed, though. As a teen, I used to say that I had no intention of reaching 30. But I admit, that now where that number is so awfully close... I think I can take on another 10 years. *toothy grin*r×TSo, today's the day, or at least people keep telling me. "The movie is out, aren't you going?" Er....no! First of all, I've got pneumonia, I'm not going anywhere. Second.... I really couldn't care less about that movie. I may go see it someday... I may not. Only time will tell. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm sick and feel like crap. I've felt like this for the last month, I don't really feel like going. Sure, if someone gives me a free ticket, I'll think about it. Until then... well... guess I'll continue not to care.rŲXVSo, I'm down with pneumonia. Coughing up blood and I know not what. Oh, yay! Last time I had that it "only" took me about one year to get over it. And I've never fully recovered, which is why getting it again is even worse. So I had to call in sick. Weird, since I haven't done that for 1Ā½ years. True, I've been sick but my politic is that as long as I can stand up, I can work. But since I can barely stay on my feet for 10 seconds.... And I feel so bad about it. It takes a lot to make me stay home in bed (which kinda led to a rather heated discussion with a certain someone this morning). Yup, I must be every boss' dream. But why do I do it? I don't know. Do I ever receive a "thank you" for showing up even though I had to nearly o-d on painkillers just to get out of bed? NO! And yet, I keep showing up, doing my job, taking over for all the others who are sick... Even this time I tried. I've been sick since Sunday night, and yet I kept going as long as I could. Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. But I know that next time I'll be doing it again. And once again I'll probably end up wondering why.rŁT#*fights through thick layer of dust and cobwebs* I have been told in no uncertain way, that I'd better move that butt of mine back to this place and say something. Well...ok. SOMETHING! Better? *grins* No, I've been horribly busy and ever since those 3 days in that bunker, right after my vacation, nothing has been the same and it probably won't be until after I get back from the US. And then I'll be out of my mind for a couple of weeks until I'll (hopefully) be able to function again. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep saying goodbye. Don't want to... *sigh* But yes, I probably work too much. Even on vacation I had to be told all the time to sit down and relax because I kept pacing aimlessly, driving everyone insane. Just let me shut out the rest of the world. It's a horrible place anyway and right now it's filled with Christmas decorations. And I'm sick of Christmas decorations. Dammit, the stores have been full of them since mid-October. How can they expect anyone to still think "Yay, it's Christmas!" *rolls eyes* Well, if anyone needs a break from the insanity, come to my place. You won't find the slightest clue that it's even December. What's the fuss? Yule is on the 21st anyway and presents can be given at all times of the year. And frankly, I value a gift more when it's given for no special occasion, than when it's "because it's Christmas"! But that's just me and I'm usually considered a bit "off" so don't go follow my example. It's probably bad for you anyway. Song of the day: "Right next to the right one" - Tim ChristensenrŚTŁWOW!!! Check urlLink this out!!! Is that cool or what? Aren't they cute??? I want one!!! To begin with.... *evil grin* It seems that people have finally come to their senses and have stopped reading this thing. About time you guys realised that I have absolutely nothing interesting to say anyway. Or maybe the comments stopped because Blogspeak was taken down without warning, so no one had the slightest idea that the comment function had been disabled. But then again, my e-mail's right there, on the right *points to link* so there really is no excuse. Ah well, comments are enabled again, thanks to Haloscan. So go ahead. Use it. It doesn't bite. I may, though! (but only where you want me to) ;p *blinks innocently*rŪT[I've been laughed at, yelled at and called some of the weirdest things lately. Why do you ask? Because of that idiotic movie, that's why!!! I've now seen Return of the King twice and all I can say is that I'm not impressed!!! Call me a purist, call me a freak. I just don't get why they had to change so much and for the worse! Stupid changes! And that song by Annie Lennox....why does she have to scream like that??? It could be pretty but she completely ruins it by sounding like a crow! And no, I don't dislike Annie Lennox, actually I like a lot of what she's made, but this..... *shivers*rÜT#Ok, being the, according to some, eerie and morbid person that I am, I really thought I had seen it all. BUT ...apparently the live-webcam craze has reached new heights. Or should I say "depths"!?! 6 feet under, to be precise. urlLink http://www.seemerot.com is, apparently, a "new" idea among all the freakish webcam ideas we have so far. If you're squeamish, don't worry, it's not like rotten.com. The latest "instalment" seems very fresh. TOO fresh if you ask me, which is why I say it's a hoax! *sigh* What some people do.... *rolls eyes*rŻT–I was cleaning up in my e-mail and had to smile when I found some 1 year+ old PM's from Paul aka littlemanpoet. Dang, he really wanted me to join the Fairy Word Weavers back in the days when there were only 12 members. As usually I simply didn't have the time and had to turn down his offer. And now, to my regret, it seems that the time issue has finally killed the story I was writing. Guess writing just isn't my strength. Only do what you're good at, right? In my case, writing certainly doesnt seem to be it. *sigh* Anyway, the trip went well and I had a really good time. The girls were wonderful and the boy.... well, he actually said something once in a while. WOW! Actually, when he wanted my opinion on some of his writings and RPG characters, I nearly fell off the chair. Almost seemed a bit empty when he went back to college. I wonder if I'll ever be allowed to order fries as a side again, since I...erh... kinda.... have a pretty "bad" behaviour when it comes to restaurants... *blinks innocently* So? There's absolutely nothing wrong with my way of eating fries, just go ahead and ask C. *snickers* Ok, so maybe I could've paid less "attention" to them, maybe even used my teeth, but still.... C. certainly didn't mind... *evil grin* Yes, I know, I know... I'm horrible! And I'm not going to change!!! Ah well, I'm back here in the cold, it's snowing and I'm bored. And I just want to go back. :-( *sniff*rŽT|In February 1821, the Nantucket whaleship Dauphin was sailing up the Chilean coast when it pulled up alongside a derelict whaleboat. Two men crouched on its deck, their beards caked with blood, each sucking marrow from the bones of their dead shipmates. After their rescue, the two survivors recounted the story of the most famous maritime disaster of the 19th century, a horrific tale of murder and cannibalism. The rescued men were from the whaleship Essex, which had sailed from Nantucket in August 1820 with plans to round Cape Horn and hunt sperm whales near the South American coast. On November 20, Captain George Pollard and most of the crew were out hunting in small boats west of the Galapagos Islands when an 85-foot-long sperm whale repeatedly rammed the Essex on the port side, destroying the ship. All aboard swore that the attack was malicious. After retrieving the navigational equipment from the wreck, the men split into the three 25-foot whaleboats, and determined a course. Bad weather blew the men far off course. Their meager food and water supply soon ran out, and men began to weaken and die. Before long, the desperate sailors resorted to consuming their dead crewmates. Later, straws were drawn to see who would be shot to feed the others. In one of the boats, Captain Pollard took part in shooting and eating his own cousin, first promising to deliver a message to the dead boy's mother. By the time they were rescued off the coast of Chile, the eight survivors of the 21-man crew had sailed nearly 4,500 nautical miles across the Pacific. The first mate of the Essex published an account of the journey, which eventually fell into the hands of a young New Bedford sailor named Herman Melville. Chase's harrowing narrative inspired Melville to write Moby Dick, the epic tale of a murderous sperm whale and a vengeful sea captain gone mad. And it's probably my favourite book of all time!rßU„Well....I'm back! Got off the plane not 6 hours ago and I feel kinda weird. A little sad and...lonely. I just want to go back. :-(rąTV*sigh* Got a call some time ago. A friend...no, not really a friend, since I haven't seen her for almost a year now... Anyway, I got a call from a friend, saying that said person has gone into labour and is now at the hospital. Hooray, yay, congrats...why the hell are you telling ME that??? Fine, rub it in!!!! I'll just go hide somewhere!rįTˆI finally saw the third Matrix film and I must say that unlike how people told me I would react, I actually liked it. And I loooove Smith!!! How could I not? It's bad-ass Hugo when he's best (or worst?)! *drools* Ahem, sorry! *composes self* No, really. People had claimed that I wouldn't like it, some even said that I would hate it. So of course I have to find that it's actually an ok movie. But I still hold onto my statement that they should never have made any sequels. The first movie was original and ended just the right way, telling you "THINK!"....so of course Hollywood has to remind us that we are, after all, stupid and unable to think for ourselves. And so they are forced to spell it all out to us, to make sure that we fully understand what's going on. Because we can't figure that out on our own, now can we? Listening to: Let your fingers do the walking - Sort Sol (Glamourpuss)rāT~Now....why am I reading Poe and Kafka and discussing Faust online...when I should actually be reading the Silmarillion for the Noldolante RPG? ACK! An on-going joke at the moment is that I now go by the name "The Goddess and The Car" by one of my online friends, referring to my RL first names. I carry the name of a Celtic goddess (try to figure out which one... :p ) but what a lot of people don't know is that I also carry the name of a (very) possessed car, a beautiful red 58 Plymouth Fury (pleeeeeeease, can I have one???) Hmm, thinking about it, it's also the name of Louis XIV's favourite mistress. Ah well, I prefer the car! :prćXeAnd the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted ā€” nevermore!räT2Hmm, bloodsamples: No answer yet. EKG: "normal", but they may want to run it for longer, so who knows. Why are they checking this now, you ask? Because this damned heart of mine skips and jumps as if it were performing "The Nutcracker." I'm sick of this!!! I want out!!! I'm sick of the people who are trying to make my life a living hell!!! I'm sick of myself because it seems that I've chased everyone else away!!! People I love... people I care about.... Hell, people even stay away from this place now...In a way that's good... e-mail's not full of flames and junk anymore.. Guess I might end up as the crazy old cat-lady after all....alone... unwanted.... half-eaten by the cats once someone finally comes by. Or maybe I should just get it over and done with! Wonder how long before anyone would notice....råTbDammit!!!!!!!! For I'm not sure how long, I've fought to keep Brotherhood open, begging Bb not to move it to Elvenhome, posting without knowing half of the storyline myself, while trying to move things in the direction I had discussed and agreed upon with C. very long ago... And now it appears that I'm the only one who's able to remember that. Which means that we've ended up with a line of post now that certainly does NOT match what was planned.... In other words... GAME OVER! At least for me. By following the planned storyline...I just screwed up the storyline! Is that logic or what? I feel most like deleting my post but damn if I'll ever have peace again if I do. "No, no, I can use it!" Uh huh... by making a post that gives me the choice to either turn my character into something he's not and having him do something he never would.... or I'm out! Ok, so how the hell do you want to make the ending you intended, since I'm no longer part of your game? And why the hell do I even care? I'm sorry I let you down, people. But I guess now there's a spot free on the Downs and everyone can join another RPG.ręT I have been asked to take the part as Sauron in a rpg about Akallabeth. I wonder why they asked ME...? I wouldn't know anything at all about Sauron, oh no. *blinks innocently* But they promised me it would only be a cameo so I accepted. I kinda have a responsibility towards the glorious Dark Lord, right? It must be done properly! Yes, I know, that's the ego talking again... Guess I only need to add Mr. Bauglir himself and my villain list will be complete. I've been around all I find interesting or at least so I think.rēT<Wow, it's been quite some time since I've been blogging (but not as long as certain other people *cough* Mith *cough*). A lot of stuff has happened, other stuff....hasn't. *sigh* But this isn't the time, nor the place to go into that. It's funny to see people on the Downs go crazy because of VBulletin3. When it was updated to VBulletin2, it was actually a small setback for me, since I've been used to VB3 for quite some time in another place. One thing that frustrates me, though, is the new rating system. I mean, the ability to actually comment and tell people what you think is something I really like, but that there is no way you can know who commented...is just plain stupid. It would be nice if you actually had the option to include your name (yes, I know, you can write it after your comment, but who the heck thinks about that until they receive a comment themselves and starts thinking about who actually wrote it???) Someone wrote something extremely nice to me and I really wish I was able to see who did it so I knew who to thank. All I can do now is hope that said person may read this when I say, Thank you, it really means a lot. I appreciate it! But I'll never know, I guess. Ah well. *sigh* Brotherhood is up and running again, though not the way it should have been...but I really don't care. I have my project now and so far, I've only got positive feedback. I guess that's good. Being allowed to write the chronicle of your favourite character and knowing that there are actually people waiting for you to finish the next part.... is an interesting experience.rčTĒWell, I'm back.... Yeah, yeah, yeah... "From where?" you ask. Well, I didn't really tell anyone but I've been on vacation. And now I'm back. And I'm bored. Not that I weren't while on vacation, but still... *rolls eyes* But that's just me. A lot of things have happened lately. Brotherhood is over (finally), not really the way it was supposed to end, but strange things happened and demands were made (and certain mods apparently got funny ideas) so I never got to make the last post I was supposed to, because honestly, I didn't know if I were even in control of my own character anymore, which in the end caused me to simply boycott the thing. I honestly couldn't care less. Hmm, what else....? *thinking* Ah, yes. I've been invited to play the lead in a rpg. A mean bastard! Really looking forward to that one. That makes.... 3 active rpg's and 2 or 3 pending. A life? What the heck do you mean "life"? I have a life! Really, I do! Somewhat.... *rolls eyes*réT“This....is absolutely horrible!!! Everything's changed and with that, I've lost...everything! Comments, links...everything but the posts! It's all gone! WHY, OH WHY??? Ah well, not that there were that many comments anyway, especially not any of importance since the ones using it are generally the same people I talk to almost everyday (and of whom none really has anything interesting to say anyway).rźU{"Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun." -Bishop HallrėT/FINALLY weekend!!! Thought it would never come. And then it'll be over before I even get a chance to enjoy it. Ah well. Too much work, barely any sleep and a post that has just decided it doesn't feel like being written! That's how my week has been so far and it seems the next will fall into the same category. Chaos! What a mess! Otherwise nothing much is going on. Or maybe I just don't have the time to notice it. *rolls eyes* Listening to: "In the shadows" - The Rasmus ( urlLink Dead Letters ) Once you've heard this song, it's stuck in your head!rģT: Ok, was I in for a suprise this morning!?! I was trying to come up with a post for Pack, when I thought I'd take a look around at people's blogs. And what did I find? A new entry from Mith... WOW! Nearly made me fall off the chair and probaly would if I hadn't been so busy reading. And grumbling. Patriots, eh? tsk tsk. *rolls eyes* ;p Oh, btw, the reason I've never posted any comments on your blog, Mith, is because you have to be a Xanga member to comment on a Xanga site. And since I'm not.... Don't think for one moment that I've never had something to say. According to some, I ALWAYS have something to say, even when I shouldn't. At least here, everyone can post a comment. If you're not a member, you post as anonymous and simply include your name in your comment. How hard can it be? But nooooo, Xanga only allows for members to comment. *grumble grumble* Gods, I've seen a lot of movies lately. "Troy", "Van Helsing", "The day after tomorrow", "Hellboy", "Kill Bill Vol.2".... hmmm... anymore...? I can't even remember. The only one disappointing is "Day after tomorrow". It's the first time in my life I've actually fallen asleep in the cinema. In the middle of a disaster movie. "Troy"... what can I say? Fabulous! Amazing! Fantastic! Brilliant! Just like everything else made by Wolfgang Petersen. The man who gave us urlLink "Das Boot" and so many other brilliant movies. (Although I do prefer urlLink "Stalingrad" by Joseph Vilsmaier over "DB" anytime!) If you haven't seen it, you should! It is truely moving. Anyway, where was I...? Ah yes, urlLink "Van Helsing" . Funny, funny, funny! It shoots itself in the foot numerous times, but it is FUNNY! Dracula, the dramaqueen! Most notable performance in it, however, must be David Wenham, who most people know as Faramir in the LOTR. He is absolutely amazing! urlLink "Hellboy" . Well, I love comics-turned-movie stuff and this is no exception! Glad to see a wonderful portrayal of Kroenen, one of the most mysterious and fascinating characters (bad guy, of course) in the story. urlLink "Kill Bill vol. 2" . If you like Tarantino, you will LOVE Kill Bill!!! Without doubt the best he's made so far! Daryl Hannah is wonderful as always! And I could go on...and on...and on....but I won't! Listening to: "Once" - Felicia Sorenson (Joseph DoLuca)- urlLink Brotherhood of the wolfrķTsHey crazy ninos! I've decided to start one of these bloggy things. God has been teaching me suh much lately...tis a shame not to write it down somewhere. So alas, I turn to the wonderful world of internet. So hopefully I can keep up and remember to write the things in here. I guess we will see how it goes, eh? (that was for all of you Canadians out there....) Peace.rīTä Weekend Stuffeseses My modem died so o I haven't been able to type anything on here over the weekend. Darn storms. Well, this weekend was pretty cool. I went to the Riverbats game with a group from Southeast Christian Church. It was the second game I've ever even been to ever. The other one was the Anaheim Angels...well unless you count little league, then I've been to three games total. Anywho, the game got kinda interesting in the last inning and then we lost. I walked around the stadium alot. It was kinda cool seeing all of the different people. I prayed for alot of them as I walked past. God's really placed that on my heart lately....praying for random people....cuz with God it's never random. All of the people that I have any kind of interaction with whatsoever whether it's as a really good friend or the cashier who always checks me out at the store or the waitress at the restaurant or a person I pass on the street and never say a word to, God has placed them all in my life and in my path for a reason. That's so crazy cool to think about!!! It makes you realize how interactive God is in our lives, whether we realize it or not. It definitely makes me think more about my responsibility as a Christian to pray for these people and, if so led, to start a conversation and possibly some kind of relationship with them. I pray that God would place these people in my path and give me wisdom and courage to take advantage of the opportunities He's given me. Sunday, I went to church. Woohoo. Kyle Idleman talked about servanthood and how we are called to serve not to be served. And our servanthood is not limited to people who are "servable" (aka: nice, appreciative, respectable, yadda da yadda). We are also called to serve those who annoy us, are rude and unappreciative. And even if we know that they are going to hurt us in the future, it doesn't matter. This is such a big thing for me. I've been praying that God would truly help me to understand forgiveness as He sees it. I kinda hold to a kind of "forgiveness" that says "ok, i will try hard to get along with you despite the fact you've hurt me or ticked me off." It's such bullcrap on my part. I've got to come to the point of realization that I will be hurt and I will be stepped on and even in those times I've got to step out and serve those people knowing that it will happen again but not allowing that to hinder my service or my thoughts about that person....anywho, it was just a whole lot about what I've been studying in Jeremiah....actually, I think I might just go ahead and describe in another post my current spiritual developments cuz they are suh exciting. The Vine was really cool. Worship was awesome despite the fact that I thought the floor was going to cave in....but it didn't :O)rļTŲDistractions The need to love. It is a strong and powerful force. Not just to be loved but to love - to experience the fulfillment. Relationships falter all around. It's hard to have hope. Yet the need remains. Our very nature yearns for these things. Yet when I search for the object of my love, I am left wanting. I wonder how people find each other, where it begins. Still, the need consumes me. I pray. I hear others speak of their need - how it consumes their life. I pray. It consumes mine too. I pray. The balance between the heavely and earthly is oftern twisted for the earthly I can see. But the heavenly surrounds me, lives within me. It penetrates my soul, my being. Yet somehow I'm blinded to it's presence. I trudge on down the sidewalk - the trees, the car, the people. My thoughts shift. How can I devote my heart - fully devote - to this God. A parking meter, a mailbox, a crosswalk. The God of the universe, the mighty creator. The gas station, a pothole, the noise. He calls my name, but I hardly hear. The traffic, the planes, the songs in my head. Dear God, scream louder. **This was written on 10-2-03 as I deal with the vice of allowing the distractions in my life to cloud my view of Jesus.**ršTČSurreal I find no comfort in my surroundings. The trees, The sky, Even the very air I breathe - It all seems so surreal, As if they were masks created to convince my mind That knowledge is found through sight, That love is found through giving. I yearn to see beyond what is here, Not with my eyes Rather with my very being. There is something more. Something so unexplainable and uncomprehendable. Something that most people shall never see. Nor will they miss not seeing it, For they view the world only with their eyes. To open oneself up to the true source of vision is far too terrifying. Not because of what is seen, but rather for us to truly see, We must become transparent, Totally exposing ourselves to this harsh world. Yet even more terrifying, we must view ourselves as we truly are. So, we convince ourselves that happiness is found solely In our state of blindness. A lie that swallows our desire to see. **This was written on 8-5-99 when I was struggling through depression and God's role in it all. It is so awesome to see what God has brought me out of!! Still I find these words an insightful reminder of how deceptive our world can truly be and even moreso, how deceptive we are with ourselves.**rńTĘ The Point Between Confusion steeps my soul with words much too difficult to say. And I sit here. Here in complacency, Here in denial, Here is self absorption. I don't want to talk about it. Not because I don't want to deal with it but because I don't know how. How to express the thoughts I'm thinking. How to make sense of the things I'm feeling. It all seems so circular. I don't even want to think about it Because I keep ending up at the same points over and over again. The bottom line is that it doesn't make sense. Is it me or is it them? Now I don't even know. And if it is me, then how can I truly know anything? At all? I can't. I don't. So I sit here. Here in confusion. Here in hopelessness. Only is doesn't really feel like hopelessness anymore. It is beyond that. My brain is foggy. I want to give up. But for what? A life of ignorance? Can I ever truly be happy with these thoughts in the back of my mind, knowing that I would be living a lie? So now, the problem is ever before me. While the solution evades the entire plateau of reason. I'm tired of talking about what I want. It doesn't make a difference anymore. I just don't even want to think about it My body is exhausted from the constant searching. It must end. There must be an answer. But where? Not in the frail logic of man. Not in the ever-changing emotions of man. Not in the hypocritical actions of man. Not in man at all. It must be elsewhere. In a place we continually try to overlook. Our stupidity drives us in the opposite direction And our pride keeps us there. Now it is no longer just about me. No, now it is about the whole. Humankind. We continue to look the other way as salvation stares us in the face. But we can't give up what little we cling to. Somewhere along the way, We were misled into believeing that this world is what our existence is all about. Pointless. Ignorant. We have tried to remove the true source of all that is. Thinking that we are the inventors, The discovers, The creators. Can we invent something that is already made? Can we discover what is already known? Can we create what has always been? We must relinquish this false power we believe we possess. For this is not the purpose. But still I sit here. Here as the whole. Here convicted of all that has come between. Here, I sit. **This was written 2-26-00 during a time when I was struggling through some very tough doctrine and looking at it all in light of how we as Christians, as people, live these things out.**rņTōThe Cost of Love The world crumbles around me, As the darkness rushes in. All the words I spoke in vain Tear and rip apart my skin. Exposing me to what is real Exposing me to truth. I lay here stripped and naked Looking everywhere but You. This truth it hurts my wearied heart, It makes me cry aloud. I try to quiet my aching pains As I whisper through the crowd. I smile and laugh and pass You by As if the world is full of glee But every breath I take Brings me closer here - to me. The darkness - it cannot prevail. Trembling I turn to face my fears. I feel some strength within me. I fight back the showers of tears. You have a plan and this I know A plan to bring me life, A plan to watch my darkest hours To call forth your wife. I turn to You with tear-stained checks How bright Your light does shine. I realize now, that the darkness I saw Was only because I was blind. By choice I went and shut my eyes Darkness filled my vision alone But when I turned and faced your glory, Radiance flowed from Your throne. I thank You God that You are King And that You are filled with love. For in my own power I can never attain Your blessings from above. But you have bought redemption You have sacrificed To live a life in love with me Paid at the highest price.róTśFreed to Dance The space between dreams and reality is an ever-moving line. It dances. It spins. It twists and glides. Sometimes my heart is filled with thrill and awe. Sometimes - with aching and anguish. It all depends on how this space aligns itself. The moment of truth. This dance makes it difficult to know with certainty Which way to choose, Which path to walk, Which heart to trust, Which soul to touch. For one side can not make decisions based on the other. They each demand my all, Yet I yearn for the balance. I am pulled and torn and led away- Sometimes for good, Sometimes for bad. I ponder on God's design- His decision to place man in a real world But to give him a mind that can dream up another. Sometimes those dreams rip us apart. Other times they pull us together. So I will join the dance- Performed to the song of God's providence, Led by the hand of God's grace. Sometimes I might fall. Sometimes I might soar. But this space between the dreams and the real, Truly make life worth living for.rōTšUntitled Nothing is ever quite what it seems, As uncertainty spins its web, Clouding the hopes I treasured. I try to resist the trap, But I am taken in Through my desire to live, to love. This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't what you're supposed to say. I have rehearsed it over and over again On the stage of my mind. So follow the script And we will be alright. But you don't, so we aren't. What am I left with? Disappointment and depression. Can't we try it my way, Just this once?rõTHOde to a Night of Little Sleep My head is foggy as exhaustion overcomes. Faint memories of hostilities expressed fill my mind. What I have feared my whole life is coming to fruition. The uncontrollable release of emotions leave me volatile and unpredictable. I yearn for balance. I desire control. These things evade my grasp.röUAvoidance Life is well.r÷U¹My Coping Skills The mind-numbing bliss of Coronas and Saving Silverman shake me from a day of despair. A day full of avoidance as sleep provided an escape from reality. Damn reality.rųT`Words Float Away I try to conjure the words to express what I feel. But I can not fabricate them within the confusion of my thoughts. I only get brief glimpses of sanity as my thoughts fly by too fast for me to grasp. The world goes on as if all is well. The sun still rises. The sun still sets. The darkness still consumes the night. And I am left alone to wonder when peace will make it's presence known. The mundane tasks of everyday life bring no passion to my heart. I lack direction. I lack desire. I'm tired of scooting through life doing just enough to get by. I am not able to muster enough strength to take hold of my dreams. I have been beat down by the world. My arms, once strong, are no longer able to lift me from my burdens. My legs, once muscular, are no longer able to carry me away from the pain. So, I sit powerless as the world overtakes me.rłT’Another Day Confusion weaves a web around my thoughts. I grasp blindly for something to cling to...some sort of stability. I am met with nothing but empty spaces. As fear consumes me, I transform into an anxious creature, knowing nothing but the fight for survival. Hostilities scream within my head, warring with harmony for my attention. They win. They always win. I fight for control. But I lose. I always lose. As I torment myself, a victim of my own thoughts, I wonder if I will ever know peace. My only choice is distraction. It's a struggle but at least it provides momentary hiatus from the war within. But all too quickly it's over as I'm left to face the harsh reality. Religion, independence, career, confidence, school, spirituality, relationships, family, drama, friends, hobbies, passions, words, prayers, self discipline, understanding, edification, partying, hurts, depression, wounds, dissapointment...my world crumbles around me. Balance is non-existent. My strength wears thin. I can not do it anymore.rśTļGroup Therapy Hostilities continue to war with my sanity. It sucks. It's never been safe for me to express my emotions. So I've held on to them, internalized them. Now I'm screwed. I'm tired of all the Christian shit about denying yourself, sacrificing yourself, anger is bad, what would Jesus do....God gave us our emotions so I'm sure he intended for us to use them. Not to suppress them in the name of piety. I'm so tired of my life of deceit. Now I'm ticked and I don't care who knows it.rūT™Fun Mind-numbing skills increase as I seek to fill my head with anything but reality. I'm getting better at this task. A weekend of wild fun in Nashville made it easier to cope. My reaction of absolute bliss versus my friend's hangover pains makes me wonder. But I don't want to think too hard right now. It was fun and that's all that matters. Now I trudge through the task of milling through my entire life of torment as I sort out what went wrong and where. All this to the tune of a cursing elderly woman who is darn friggin good at dragging things out of people. All this in front of an audience struggling through the same shit. I pray that peace will come.rüUõSleepy I feel exhausted...emotionally, mentally, physcially. It's amazing how life can affect you. I don't know if this is natural or medicine induced or a combination of both. But I am worn out. Unfortunately, I can't sleep. There is no time.rżT¬Overwhelmed. I don't know what other word to describe how I feel. There seems to be so much that needs work. So much for me to do. I'm stuck. I want it all to just go away. I'm tired of having to think about these things. Having to ponder these things. I understand my problem but I still don't know what the hell to do about it. I continue to distract myself. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I'm not. In the mean time, I'm not about to commit to anything with anybody. My brain is shot. I can't even think straight. There doesn't seem to be a hope through this. Everyone says there is but I just can't even fathom the concept. I'm tired of it all. My obessive thoughts will ever plague me. I guess I should accept the fact that my illness will ever be before me. I can't fix it. Others can't fix it. I don't think it can be fixed. I'm tired of the hurt and the pain and all the shit I've been put through. I don't even care anymore.ržTõ Ten Broeck Yesterday was my last day for group therapy. I so came to love that place. Hours a day in the midst of honest communication. It was something that I was missing my whole life. It developed into an environment that was safe, calm, and loving with Mary as our surrogate mother cheering us on and ripping us new ones - whatever was appropriate. I miss it. I miss being able to share my thoughts and feelings with people actually listening and me receiving honest feedback. I miss listening to other people and understanding the different fixes we use to compensate for our lost self worth. I miss being able to say shit and hell without being judged. I miss being about to talk about sex in a realistic way without being condemned. I miss being able to talk about my somewhat psychotic thoughts with people who are honest enough with their own shit to admit they've been in similar situations. It's amazing. We all had the same problem, just different symptoms. I need to take what I've learned in this setting and transfer it to my reality. But I'm not quite sure how that will play out. There are many things I have learned about myself. I know more about my problem and where it stemmed from. I'm learning to not be so critical of myself. It is so amazing how our childhood affects every aspect of our adulthood. Those messages that get stuck in our mind play throughout our lives. Sometimes they are good messages and that's awesome. But sometimes they are lies and that's when we have to step back and separate ourselves from them. I'm tired of the deceit. I'm tired of trying to live up to other people's expectations. I'm tired of wanting people to view me as some super Christian. I'm confused about how my spirituality plays into all of this mess. But I know I've been dished out some fucked up religious views that kept me in a life of shame and guilt. Well, I guess I will take it one day at a time. Today, I'm realizing that my crazy obsessions that seem to control me are actually my attempt to create chaos in my life because it's my comfort zone. It's what I'm used to. Throughout my life, there has been much legitimate chaos. I became so used to it that when it wasn't present, I was uncomfortable. So I start to obsess over past things to fill that void. I need to continue to realize when I'm doing this and kick it in the ass. Self worth is another HUGE issue. I basically have none. I need to restructure my thinking away from false religious precepts that have held me in bondage and toward the truth. Fuck lies.r’TīBaptists...Those Dirty Dogs Ok, so maybe it's the baptists that I hate. After years of growing up under the legalistic dogma that did nothing for me but enhance a sense of shame, I'm realizing that maybe belief systems aren't absolutes, like I had been led to believe. Years of hiding my faults and elevating myself above others as a disguise is coming to an end. And I'm damn glad it is. This screwed up behavior wasn't a conscious effort on my part. It was all that I had known. When things get messed up, you hide it. When you make a mistake, you hide it. When your family embarasses you, you hide it. You don't talk about it. Don't even acknowledge it. This is NOT healthy. Then you throw in the concept of religion and the stresses accompanying a world view that life demands perfection and so does Jesus. You have people who give you pre-fab answers to life's crappy events and stare at you like you're nuts for not tapping into "God's peace." I spent almost my entire life struggling with depression. Whenever I would try to talk to people about it, I would get fucked up answers like "Whatever is worthy, noble, blah blah blah...think on those things", "You may be unhappy with the circumstances but if you ask God, He will give you joy even in the midst of it all" and "What would our passive Jesus do...turn the other cheek and move on considering it an honor to suffer for Christ." Ok, so then I pray my whole life and where is this peace....no where. I am angry and hostile on the inside but Jesus doesn't like angry people....so Jesus must not like me then. But what if I just hide the anger and suppress it...maybe He won't notice. Again, these aren't things that I consciously thought about but perspectives I had developed based on the attitudes of those around me. I don't even want to start on the attitudes of the Baptists as a whole. My time at Seminary was by far some of the worst years of my life dealing with people. As a whole, the Seminary community cared more about proving a theological point to elevate themselves above others than they did about other people. It's so ironic because it should be the one place with the most caring people but it isn't. They sit around and gossip in the name of "prayer requests", they spread rumors and lies with no regard to the people they are hurting, they are dishonest with the things they struggle with leading them to a lifestyle of hidden sin stuck in a perpetual cycle, they get more upset over petty things like language and immodest clothing than they do about the reason they are even at Seminary....because people are GOING TO HELL. My years spent there were one big lie. It was enveloped in deception. They twist God's word to make themselves look better. This is not what I see as the church when I read the Bible. Then there's my church that I grew up in...a power hungry pastor elevated above questioning and bent on intimidating those he comes in contact with. A church that says shit to you when you wear jeans to church because everyone knows that Jesus hates those disrespectful jeans. So we must all dress up and act like everything is wonderful so other people at church will think we are super Christians, all the while we are falling apart on the inside. Our families are eroding...dads are fucking younger women, kids are doing drugs, moms are popping pills...then we dress up in our Sunday best and act like everything is wonderful. It's bullshit. I hate the deception and I hate the lies. I've done it for so long but I'm finished. No more. I'm not going to live my life to make other people view me a certain way. I'm going to be myself. If people like me, then they like me. If they don't, oh fuckin' well because I'm not going to bend over and kiss my ass for every person who won't accept responsibility for their own shit. I don't know how all of this will play out but I know that things are definitely changing and I kinda like it. I have the right to live a life of freedom and not hold myself under the burdens of this shitty world. So, that's what I'm going to do.rT6... All or Nothing Black or White Rigid or Open Passive or Aggressive This is what codependents flip between. It's one extreme or the other. Either side is unhealthy. You are to desire a balance between the two. But now, in my codependency, I have journeyed from the far left to the far right. I don't want to be screwed over again. I don't. And now I'm going to make sure that it doesn't. The problem is...I'm turning into a real bitch. To be honest, it feels good. But unhealthy none the less. I guess it's a process. I wish I knew how to find a balance...until then...I feel kinda bad for those who tick me off. I'm sure sooner than later I will feel remorseful for those I offend. Until then, I'm going to have fun with my new found freedom of speaking my mind.rTõbeachchick After a week in Myrtle Beach, I am quite dissappointed to wake up and not have a beach to run and play at in the mornings. The responsibilities of "real life" smack me in the face. Vacation was so much fun. I am so glad I got to spend time with my fam (Mom, Lou, my sister Cindy, her bebe daddy Chris, my nephew Caleb, my step-nephew Tyler, my step-niece Taylor, my step-sister Amy, her husband Mike and my step nephew Alan) and also with Rachel. I was so excited to have a friend on my family vacation. It made the night time fun. It's amazing some of the shit we got ourselves into....all in good fun of course. It's so cool to go and meet new people and get to know them as well. The first day we were there, we went parasailing. It was way fun. They make you sign your life over and keep saying it's for "thrill seekers" but honestly it wasn't freaky at all. It was very relaxing. The banana boat ride out there was way more thrilling. Also the hot guys who operated the boat thing were more exciting. But I'm definitely glad I did it. It was very very relaxing. The waves in Myrtle Beach are awesome!! Not as big as Cali but Cali waves are scary. Also, east coast water is warmer and easier to swim in. One night after it stormed. We went and fought the crazy waves for hours. It was sooooo friggin fun. We kept getting yelled at by the lifeguards because we were too far out!!! So much fun....for reals!! We went out to eat at a seafood buffet place one night....actually it was a friggin Chinese restaurant that had a bunch of seafood. I felt ripped off but that's ok because we got all you can eat crab legs for $15. Rachel ate over 5 lbs of friggin crab legs....yeah, she likes food. We also went outlet shopping.....which seems to be my favorite past time lately. I got lots of fun stuff. There were a bunch of little shops along Ocean Blvd too. I got a cute little shirt for Caleb that said "If you think I'm cute then you should see my aunt". I had to buy it!!! I also got the cutest Corona outfit. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with Corona wear....probably because I'm pretty obsessed with Coronas....but you know....anywho, I got a cute little pink tank top with the Corona logo and a cute little white mini skirt thing with Corona written on the butt in pink. Also, at one of the first stores we went to, I met this little asian guy, probably in his 30's. He worked there. We started talking and he mentioned competing in Aikido tournaments in Japan and I was like sweet. Cuz you really don't meet a lot of people who even know what Aikido is. So we talked for a bit. I don't know if he was hitting on me or what. It was weird. He was like maybe I can come to KY and teach you Aikido. He gave me his number and everything. I'm thinking um....ok. I don't quite trust him though because when I mentioned the name of the guy who started Aikido, Morhehei Ueshiba, he didn't know what I was talking about. And that's just weird. Oh well.It was weird. But cool to talk to a new person none the less. The clubs in Myrtle Beach are pretty fun. The first night we went out, we went to the House of Blues. They have a cute little deck bar area with a live band. We had a couple of drinks and were about to leave when the bartender came over and said this hot guy, Josh, wanted to buy us some drinks so...of course we didn't want to hurt his feelings. We ended up hanging out with him and his family and neighbors, who were all there on vacation, all night long. They were kinda wealthy. They bought us lots of drinks and we all danced (with all of them) and had fun. Seriously, they were all crazy!!! The whole family!!! They were staying in our same hotel so we all went back to their room and chilled. They were very cool people. Plus Josh was hot....did I mention that??? The next night we decided to stay in and chill. We went all bummed out to the hotel bar and ended up having the most lame time of my life!! The woman who worked there was so annoying and harassed this guy for over 20 minutes about bringing alcohol into the bar. Finally I was like...WE MUST LEAVE NOW BEFORE MY BRAIN EXPLODES. She just wouldn't shut up about it. So we got dressed up and went out to the Spanish Galleon which was kinda a lame club. We were bored out of our minds there too until we met Sean (Shawn?)....the coolest accountant in North Carolina. He was bored too so we started playing bar/club games to amuse ourselves. These consisted of dancing like retards in the cage (and amazing enough we fit in because most people there could NOT dance) and then picking out really ugly people or bad dancing people for each of us to go dance with. I made Rachel dance with this redneck with a mullett. Sean picked this bald funny looking guy in a 007 jersey for me to dance with. Unfortunately there weren't many busted girls for Sean to dance with so he got off easy. After that I spent the rest of the night dancing with Sean. He cracked me up to no end!! I wish he lived in Louisville because he is so the kind of guy that I go for....laid back and amazing sense of humor. I so regret not getting his contact info. Maybe I can find him with my stalker skills....who knows. Overall, it was a fun night with very little drinking. Probably the most fun I had. The next night we drove down to the Freaky Tiki. This club is crazy. I later found out it's been on Wild on E and MTV. Fun times for us. We actually had gone to Mother Fletcher's first but it was lame. This older guy there bought us some drinks and then went with us to Freaky Tiki and hooked us up there as well. He was really nice and not creepy. Just said he wanted us to have a good time our last night there. Plus I think he liked walking around with "hot chicks" (ha). Anywho....this place is nutso...it has beds with tables and stuff, flames all over the walls, tv's all over the walls. They even have a "foam room" where you can dance in bubbles....really weird. Rachel went to take a picture and slipped on the steps and busted her ass. She has the biggest bruise now. It so sucks for her. We had to leave soon after that and on the way out this cute foreign guy started hitting me so I talked to him for a bit. Oh....I almost forgot....the boxer short contest!!! Fun times for the ladies. That was the end of our fun. So sad. I am seriously sad. I wanna go back. Ok, I'm done.rT[Reconciliation Confusion still clouds my mind. Changes have been made. All or nothing has been epitomized. Things that used to mean everything to me now mean very little. I'm just tired. I feel as though I've spent my whole life trying to live righteously, putting others first and truly seeking a higher power. And now I'm just bitter. I've been run over, taken advantage of and treated like shit. I figured if this is how it's going to be, if my efforts are so in vain, then I'm going to live my life and have fun. Either way I'm screwed so I might as well enjoy it more. It's just the inconsistancies in life that boogle my mind. For example, why is it that the "good little christian" boys treat me like shit. They are disrespectful and twisted. And these are the people that are supposed to be good and encouraging. BUT...the drunk random guys from the clubs, they are quite respectful. When I say no, they say ok. Now what is up with this shit?!?!?!? It doesn't make any sense. I feel like things are out of control. I know I'm being used but I'm using other people as well. So does it matter?? I don't feel bad. I don't feel guilty. I do feel somewhat uneasy if I think really hard about it. But I'm not sure if that is guilt from my actions or from my legalistic past that would tell me to never even speak with people who lived their lives in such a way. It's fucked up. So I'm just going with the flow, trying to survive. I am having more fun which is cool. I feel more free. I'm having a hard time reconciling these things in my head. Beliefs, actions, values, virtues.....how do they all interact???rTümy apologies for the lack in posting lately. My wonderful Dell laptop finally shit. Well, not really, it is just in the shop having the keyboard replaced due to a mishap with a couple of Kendall's last summer: 1. A glass of Kendall Jackson spilled all over the keyboard, and 2. Kendall the dog pissing all over the computer while I was packing for Cali. (I guess I should have taken that as a sign.) Anyway, the keyboard is finally being replaced a year later. you should have seen the dude's face when I told him all that it had been through. later he called me and told me my computer had contracted 4 viruses. that ho. so in the meantime, i am internet-less. which hasn't been that bad. is it me, or is the world of blogging not what it used to be. it used to be fun, and now people are dropping like flies and shit. i don't know. maybe they have all gone on and gotten lives and i am just one sick, sad, sorry, unemployed fuck. well my gainfully unemployed ass is going to go soak up what is left of the sun. peace.rTü"Yes, you see love is not something that happens to you, it is something you do. So what didn't I do?" ~Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason As much as I would love to love someone, I feel I am thoroughly incapable of it right now. I am inventing my own little world, getting into the groove of the single thing. To add another person to my life right now would just mess up my equilibrium. I am drama free, worry free, just free. No wondering, "Is he going to call", and if he does call "what am i going to say!?!" No worries. Don't get me wrong. There are things that I miss. I mean, I like a penis as much as the next guy, but the hassle and drama that comes along with said appendage is just not worth it to me right now. While still in it's developmental stages, the master Monkey Butt plan includes no room for another person. If someone comes along and wants to be part of my world for a little while, that is cool. But I am not going to reshape my life for another person ever again. It's just not my style. ;)rT Number of jobs I've had since returning to New York: 2. Number of jobs I've left since returning to New York: 2. Number of jobs I have right now: 0. Weight lifted off of my shoulders since leaving said jobs: A ton. I am unemployed. Again. I have had it with the fat Nazi ho that berates me every day, and pokes me in the back to make her point. I don't understand what I have ever done to the bitch, but she was gunning for me big time. I would have been fired anyway, so I am not worried about a reference. I guess I will be working for my dad in the meantime. I just wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is I was meant for. It seems like everyone around me has found their niche, and I just can't seem to settle on one thing. Well, time to go begin the job search again...rTTTonight, I had my first taste of yokel, er I mean local politics. I figured that since I am probably going to stay in Craphole for a while, I should get involved. Especially since my father owns a large business in the town- a business that one day my brother and I will be running together (that is if we don't kill each other). It is time for me to make a name for myself here, as a force to be reckoned with if any yuppies come in and try to destroy all that my family has built over the years. My brother has no interest in politics, and while he is an intelligent kid, has no sense of diplomacy. If it were left up to him, he would tell you to go fuck yourself, and barricade the place with snipers and surround it with land mines. I, on the other hand, will tell you to go fuck yourself with a smile on my face. Seriously though. I need these people to understand that I am not just Mr. Monkey Butt's flighty daughter. I am an adult now, and as much as I don't want to accept that, i think it is time to step up, because nobody else is going to. So the meeting was very brief, and a tad boring, but we came out smelling like roses. It wasn't much of a battle this time, but I plan to continue my presence at the meetings. I am developing another elaborate scheme for my future, but like the weather here in Craphole, that could change with the day....rTĪso here i am.... moved again. just call me a blogger gypsy. I just felt i needed to start over, stop bitching, snap out of my woe-is- me routine and snap back into my relentlessly evil and vulgar (with a touch of sweetness) self. ;) I still have no idea what I want. just when i think i have a plan, I change my mind. and then i want to run- convinced that the answers lie somewhere in a bay sunrise or a bayou breeze. or maybe at the bottom of the margarita bucket. but of course, they don't, and at the risk of sounding like a total cheesy ass cliche, the answers lie in me. I just want to wake up in the morning not knowing what the day will bring. Where a smile can change your world, or silence could break it. I don't want to live vicariously through others- I Want others to live vicariously through me. I want to be surrounded by love and adventure, music and intrigue. I want sunshine, I want to dance. I want simplicity, I want beauty. Is that too much to ask?rU\I've given myself another clean slate. Stay tuned for more hijinks. I have to go hiking now.r T‚ "Sorry I'm not home right nowI'm walking into spiderwebs- so leave a message and I'll call you back- a likely story, but leave a message and I'll call you back..." ~no doubt~ Well, all you animal freaks will be happy to know that Merry and Pippin have found homes. Not together, as I had hopes, but they both went to loving homes and are sure to be well cared for. I didn't take them to the shelter, I actually took them to the produce stand and hung out with them all day preying on yuppie sympathy. It worked. I was pretty surprised, as I thought it would take me a few days before someone was interested. In a way I am glad they have found a home, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad when Pippin went. (He was my favorite, and the last to go). In the end though, I am not a cat person. After changing two nasty litter boxes, I remembered the #1 reason I prefer dogs: They do not poop in your house. (Unless you feed them Peanut Butter Scooby snacks, but I digress). But anyway, animals are animals, and I love them all. I actually am beginning to think that I care for animals more than I do people. It pisses me off to no end that people can be so heartless and throw an animal to the side of the road. To have that little respect for a living creature that didn't ask to be brought in to this world, and is hopeless to defend itself against it's harsh reality. Yeah, I may be a tad over-dramatic, but that's how i feel. Simply put, some people are terds. But Merry and Pippin are now safe, happy, and loved. Speaking of people being terds, I am not exempt from this generalization. I recieved numerous phone calls yesterday from the married (divorced?) dude from the urlLink Saratoga trip . We were supposed to go out tonight. I guess I gave him my number. I didn't call him back. so i guess i am a shit by blowing him off. story of my life i guess. i don't know what i was thinking by agreeing to go out with him. i guess the mimosas at 10 am and amstels got to me by 8 pm and my judgement was marred. unfortunately, this probably is not the last I have heard from him. apparently, he is involved with one of my father's projects, so i am sure I have not heard the end of this.... gotta lay low for a while. am i a shit for deleting his messages and not returning his calls? maybe i should have done the mature thing and told him the truth over the phone. i just can't be that mean. it is easier to ignore- isn't it??r T‘In my effort to maintain my fitness, and attempting to burn off some calories from monday's extravaganza, I decided to supplement my morning run with an afternoon power walk. I got more than I bargained for. About a mile away from home, Kendall started going nuts, and ran out in the middle of the road. I pulled her back, thinking it was just a squirrel or a deer, which it normally is. I looked over to see what was driving her so insane. It was two small kittens. In the middle of nowhere, on the side of the road. Once I acknowledged their presence, they ran across the street towards me. Kendall was licking her chops, thinking they were a snack. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't just leave them there in the middle of the road. So, with Kendall growling and leaping around like a kangaroo, I scooped them into my arms and headed for home. It was rather difficult to juggle two small kittens in my arms and keep Kendall from devouring them, but I made it home with my new little friends. I know I can't keep them, as much as I want to. It sickens me to think of how or why they ended up there, on the side of a country road. But I'd like to think that I was meant to walk that way today, and I was meant to find little Merry and Pippin. (yeah, I am a dork.) Not the question remains- what to do with them. It is clear that with Kendall, having a cat (let alone 2) Is not a possibility. Not to mention the fact that my mom's landlord looked less than thrilled when I came home with my new little friends. The animal shelter was not open by the time I got back. Part of me wants to take them down there tomorrow morning, but my dad suggested that I try to give them away at the farm this weekend. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to get too attached. A lot of it also depends how kendall handles the rest of the evening. I must be an animal magnet or something. Two or three years ago, I stumbled across a kitten in a hotel room in Meridian, Mississippi on my way to New Orleans. I hope Mississippi Frodo is doing well.... Ok, I am going to go check on the little ones.... rock on. And if you are a local and know anyone who wants a kitten, e mail me or leave a comment.r TI am never drinking again. I have to remember that I am back in NY. Worse than that, I am back in the place where everyone knows me- where I have many enemies, and very few friends. throwing alcohol into the mix only complicates matters. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect, I should never have gotten on that bus. I went to the urlLink track yesterday. It was a bus trip with the local bar, with free food and alcohol all day. I thought it would be cool to go with my father and bond, and try to make some $$. He ended up trying to pawn me off on one of his married friends. The dude was a nice enough guy, but 1. he is married, 2. he is 11 years older than me, and 3. he was not terribly attractive. Then, who steps on the bus but this asshole that i punched in the face at a concert last summer. At that point i knew it would be a bad day. We successfully avoided any altercation, but we weren't exactly civil to one another. All in all, the day wasn't that bad. I lost $20, and ended up giving out my phone # to way too many people. I think my dad is pissed at me for running m mouth about something- only bits and pieces of the day have been filtering back into my mind. I think I agreed to go on a date with the married guy. Maybe he will lose my number or forget to call. Keep your fingers crossed. Yesterday reminded me again why I left this area in the first place. I didn't want to become one of them. I didn't want to become a townie. I have come to the conclusion that even though I am back, I don'y have to end up like these people. I am going to distance myself from that whole scene- pretend like I never came back. It might be difficult. I think I'll have to get a new cell phone- In other YAY news- I have my computer back. It is virus, wine, and pee free. I can actually use the keyboard. Oh yeah, and I am no longer unemployed!! I will be starting my urlLink new job on monday. I am uber psyched. I'm thinking this place will (hopefully) pan out better than the last two crap jobs I had. Well thats enough for now....r TD My horoscope today says "You are more attractive than you know". Oh really?! Last night was the first of 5 weddings I am scheduled to attend between August and October. I was attending from the groom's side, an artist and dreamer whom I just met last year. Last night I finally met his new wife, and the entire experience was gorgeous, intimate and so meaninful. They had it in the backyard of a pretty majestic home in the suburbs, which was very well landscaped and sort of tiered with a brick path leading down to a circular firepit, where they had the ceremony. They washed eachothers feet first, and then took their vows. They stared so deeply into eachother's eyes the whole time, it was competely tender and real and very simple. Compared to the hour-long church ceremonies I am accustomed to, this was quite an eye-opening experience for me. Luckily I didn't have a moment to feel lonely or upset about my date who canceled a few hours prior to the event (a 'sorry' would suffice). Doesn't he realize some people would jump at the opportunity to date me?? Ha! Well needless to say I won't be inviting him to any more weddings. I was changing Jack's very offensive diaper shortly after the ceremony and witnessed the newly married couple and their immediate family taking shots of whiskey in celebration...that's my kind of wedding. No shots for me though. The bride's guests consisted of her colleagues from MPR, all of whom were very kind and intelligent. Jack was a bit of shocker to them (I think), but everyone seemed to enjoy his whirlwind presence. Someone asked who we were and I introduced ourselves and he said "Is there a third party to this?". I sort of didn't know what to say, but didn't feel bad necessarily either. I just said yes, but that we aren't together. (Too bad I couldn't pretend it was an immaculate conception like I ususally do.) We left at 8 just as things were heating up at the piano/karaoke and after Jack had his fill of sitting on a motorcycle parked outside. Today we will go to the Uptown Art Fair and stop by Levi's house...last time I saw him at the jazz concert at my colleague's house he kept saying "I need Jenny!". I think he likes me. They invited us then to come over for the art fair and to park in their driveway, which is nearby. I think they were planning a lemonade stand. I haven't talked to them (practically strangers actually) but I think Jack would love Levi so we will surprise them. Hopefully I will have as good a time as I did last year. Next weekend I will jet to La Jolla, CA for my good friend from high school's wedding. It will be another non-traditional ceremony, which I am very much looking forward to. We're going to the zoo too, and may meet up with my friend David who recently moved west. This weekend my child learned to say "special" (in reference to his new Very Vanilla Silk Soy Milk ), and "news" (as in no mommy doesn't want to watch cartoons, we're watching the news...). He's genius, I'm telling you. Let's hear it for my first blog. I figured there was way too much going on in my life not to be getting some sort of drama or attention out of it.r Tahhhhhh, the weather today was so.... FALL... and fall makes me think of halloween.. and boy, oh boy, that just makes me giddy. i LOVE the fall. i love the smells... i love the way the sky looks all cloudy and grey.. and the cool air that's just cold enought to put a chill down your spine. and somehow all the smells mix up into one.. from fireplaces to leaves falling.. to little ghosts and goblins ringing the doorbell, looking for candy... LOVE it. love it. love IT. ahem. sorry, i guess i'm getting a little carried away. in other news, i saw napoleon dynamite tonight. it was sweet (said in napoleon's voice, which i can't "do" at all but that won't keep me from trying and driving everyone nuts.) i'd like to see it again. and i'd like to get the dvd when it comes out so i can see all the silly extras. speaking of extras, my show is coming on in 11 minutes. yesterday, when i was at safeway buying 10 yogurts for $4.00, a woman at the checkout line jogged over to my lane and shouted in a really excited voice like she was on the price is right or something, "i'm rooting for the longshots!!!" i fumbled and almost dropped my wallet and looked up to this little lady with curly hair, looking at me like i was a celebrity. it was so weird. i just said, "oh, thank you!" and she asked if i could tell her what happens. i couldn't, of course, but she seemed to like me anyway. then, the same day, some friends and i were all down at the local bar and two guys walked up to our table and said, "we've seen you on tv." it was so strange. i'm always somewhere between embarrassed and scared and i NEVER have a good response. any help out there?rXaI've been thinking a lot today about the pastā€¦ about how romantic the beginning wasā€¦ and how romantic my life is now, although I donā€™t admit it very often. Abstract life is much better than life with details and I prove that daily by only writing from an aerial view. Someone once said ā€œlife is in the detailsā€ but I disagree. I find it looks much better from 30,000 feet. Itā€™s cloudy and rainy out today. My favorite weather.. weather to think by. Iā€™m thinking about jumping ship once againā€¦ about re-routing my life. Not necessarily by moving or uprooting myself but by changing directions.. doing something I wouldnā€™t expect of myself. Iā€™m getting bored and boredom breeds unhappiness. I want to feel carefree and easy and I think I do that best with an agenda, if that makes any sense at all. Iā€™m a planner and I need a plan.rT±i've been sitting here for a couple of minutes looking out the window, trying to think of some part of my day that's been interesting enough to blog about but i'm coming up empty. it's raining out and i've been staring at raindrops falling into a pot outside the window for the past two minutes straight. if that's the best i've got, this is going nowhere fast... this week has actually been flying by. my birthday was on monday and it was a good one... other than the fact that my best friend forgot about it. the up side of it, though, is that now she feels really bad and probably also feels like she owes me BIG time. i'll be able to torture her with this and hold it over her head for the rest of our lives.... aw, what are best friends for? coming up next week is the big 80's prom night party. topping the last party, the 70's roller skating rink party, is going to be tough to do but i'm up for the challenge. i've already got my outfit planned out.. right down to the banana clip and big bangs. all i have to do is go down to goodwill and the other local thrift shops and find the perfect turquoise-sequined-poofy-sleeved prom dress to make the vision complete. ahhhh, the 80's....rT i'm reading selected letters of Jack Kerouac 1940-1956. letters from Jack to his friends and family - except sometimes there's a reply back from Neal Cassady. Neal was the author of 1 book in his life, but he is one of the most often spoken-about "figures" of the beat generation. perhaps because he could have written more - he had so much "potential" (a truly controversial concept with me...) I am absolutely loving this book. it makes me sad that we don't right letters anymore, and i think I may just have to start writing letters on a regular basis. there's always so much to say and so much to share, and i always feel, after writing that I know myself better. my other favourite correspondence book is Boris Pasternak and Olga Freidenberg. Boris was the author of Doctor Zhivago, and Olga was his cousin and closest trusted friend and confidante. she was also a very noted scholar and really lived quite a life. that was also, for me, such a great way to learn about history from such a personal perspective. so that's what I'm doing. work. no, i'm not going to talk about work. most of my time is spent at work or thinking about work, and as much as i enjoy my job, i am very stressed out lately because of the training and progressing that i am doing. i am looking forward to taking the next step, but i am also quite wary, because i do not want this company to own me. i have so much else to do. you know? ttfn!rTDtoday was so great! i did a one on one with a girl in grade 4 in the library. we worked on fractions, decimals and subtracting with borrowing. okay, i got a little confused at this part but it worked out okay. just walked around the classes helping kids with their homework, and during recess, had a nice chat with one of the other tutors. next week i have to get his name... i feel like we're pals, except... oh and he reminds me of the guy in almost famous who plays cameron crowe. nobody cried today, but one girl almost made me cry. kids can put up walls too, you know. i wonder what has to happen to a nine year old girl to make her be so self-protective. any insight kristy? and i got an invitation to an upcoming social for all the jump volunteers, and, i wager a guess, staff too. this is sooo exciting to me. i was actually just thinking last week that i hope they do something like this soon. maybe "cameron" inspired this in me. okay. i'm hungry. i will be heading to the mcdonalds at dundas west subway station now, before fellowship tonight. talk to you later!rTRyesterday I made a little boy cry. this was in the third and final class of the day. yeah, it was stressful. the lesson was multiplying with "carrying". so, a 2 digit number x a 1 digit number. the little guy had no problems, he was very smart, but he kept trying to guess instead of follow the steps. (he's 8). predictably, he got the answer wrong everytime. i told him, don't guess. follow the steps. you are a smart boy and you can do this. but he was tired and sick of following the steps. so he started crying. the more I told him he was very smart, the more he talked about how stupid he was. oh, man, that hurt me. he just would not believe me. also, in the first class I was in, I was paired up with a boy who spoke tibetan as a first and english not so much. it took me most of the 20 minute session trying to explain. not his fault, he was soooo smart. I just could not break through. the second class was easy. i went around the class and checked their work, and said "hey! language!" every time I heard one of them swear. (you're dam right i did! 9 year olds swearing? I don't even like it when my kid brother swears and he's 22!) I really enjoy these tutoring sessions. i love telling kids how smart they are and helping them see it. helping them to see that math is really cool is really cool! okay, then, talk to ya later.rTJpeople that I used to know. people who i wonder where they are now. people I miss. it's so strange how you lose people, and don't think about them for a long time, and then all of a sudden you want them very intensely back in your life, and you have no way of making it happen. what ever happened to Ricky? he was a boy who had cerebral palsy that was a family friend when I was a kid. do you know, dad? he was the son of your friend danny I think? I remember watching a movie with him in the basement, it was years after we'd seen them and they came over for a visit. I know he wasn't my best friend or anything, but I just remember that time really clearly he really loved the movie that was on and wanted to share it with me. it was nice. about a year ago, I worked at a temp job in an office, and the guy who was at the desk next to me became a very good friend. we talked all the time, we went for coffee breaks with another girl, and sometimes just him and I went for walks together to the real nice coffee place down the street. his name was Yves, and I have no way to find him, not really. but I miss him! (I used to joke around and tell him we could go make out in the lounge - great fun!) I was on the streetcar yesterday, and I passed the area, and I scanned everywhere if I could see him and Juliana out for a break. well that job was really crappy, the people were horrible with only few exceptions. yves, juliana, josh was good for a laugh, and of course, me. i am sure they aren't there anymore. we took a lot of coffee breaks. oh well, people, I love you. don't disappear.rTÅsimilar theme from my other blog, I guess. I'm watching Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood, and he just had a guest on who sang this song as well as doing the sign language. I know I'm 27, but I can't help it. Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood is such a wonderful show. Probably this will come in handy when I become a Child Psychologist. Did I tell you, that's what I want to do? Anyway. the song. it's sooooo sweet, and so. so. so. i have the butterflies. sometimes your heart is so full it hurts, usually when you wonder if that special someone even wants your love. but you never stop loving. you never stop wanting your heart to be full. when your heart has butterflies inside it then your heart is full of love when your heart is overflowing then your heart is full of love when your heart beats for that special someone then your heart is full of love when your heart has room for everybody then your heart is full of love Mr. Roger's said this: Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like "struggle." To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now--and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain. these are links to some Mr. Roger's quote pages. urlLink You Are Special urlLink Relationships urlLink Difficult Situations urlLink Communicating urlLink Students urlLink Parenthood urlLink Parents, Child-Care Providers, and Teachers urlLink Growing in Adulthood love. Dr. Victor Paul Weirwille said "You can get enough criticism real quick, but you can never get enough love." And, actually, this is my favourite one "The best way to get people to love you is to love them." and of course "A person needs to be loved the most when they deserve to be loved the least." It may sound trite, or obvious, or cliche, but the more you love people, the more love you have to give. Like it's a muscle that grows. Or something. ok, ttfn! love kristin!rT¬urlLink www.newamericancentury.org/index.html steve, dan -- this is for you. i nearly passed out when i saw this. did you guys check out the Bertrand Russell thing? the link is over there ------> I actually heard it live on the radio. it's tres cool! anyway. new american century. that sounds so benign, no? freaking scary. this think tank with propose policies of US hegemony is actually related to the radio documentary. to see if this think tank set Bush's agenda and to see if this breaks international law. anyway. I just find it interesting. I thought you would too. so. do you guys like my new blog appearance? pretty cool, huh? Kristy! where are you buddy?rTńbecause the future's lookin sooooo brite! well, today. my first day online at home. can you stand the excitement? 3 weeks and counting.... Season 1 of Quantum Leap. I know I said that last time, but man. i'm really excited. I've been on for hours, though, and I still haven't gone over and read my favourite weblog, Wil Wheaton dot net. I'm letting the anticipation build up. ahhh. wil wheaton. i heart him. so I don't really have anything too deep to say right now, i'm just kind of stuck at the top layer, floating along. it's okay. life is okay. i've got a really great long weekend to look forward too, the Distillery District Jazz Festival saturday afternoon and maybe to my dad's for a barbecue on sunday if he permits. dad's "doin up a mess of ribs and chicken..." now i've really got to start getting serious about writing my script before I get distracted too far away from the story I have to tell. anybody know how to START a movie script? yowza. next time: plunging the depths.rT@I should really post, eh? so... what's up? I have a computer at home now, but I'm still not online. as soon it's set up I will be able to post more often. when inspiration hits, I won't have to fit it into the schedule of the free internet cafe, I'll just have to turn on my little iBook! yay! a Mac! in my possession! did I tell you what a loyal "Mac Person" I am? You know there's only 2 types of people in this world, mac people and pc people. so i'm quite happy about this deal. oh man. busy girl. work sucks. energy is lagging. money is tight. but i got this computer. and I'm working on my resume. and i'm working on my movie - sort of. so things are pretty cool, ya know? okay. i'm pretty much done now. oh! season one Quantum Leap DVD is coming out in like 3 weeks and I can't wait! ohhhh. i heart quantum leap! and, young and the restless was okay today, but no michael and kevin. i guess wayne brady was only on for the one day. but it looks like Jack and Phyllis might be heading for a reunion... um yeah. today was a day off. okay, now I'm done.rTŹI posted this at my other blog for the fellowship, I just wanted people to be able to read it. sorry for the repetition. It's altered a bit too. Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had a ball of anger in her belly. this ball was so big and radioactive that it made her sick. all kinds of sick; her heart hurt, her mind hurt, her head hurt, her toes hurt, even her fingers and her earlobes hurt. this little girl also had a very big heart, but the radioactive ball sent out poisons that kept everything from working properly, especially her heart. So she didn't know how to love the way she was made to love, she didn't know how to be happy and trust when someone loved her. The little girl wasn't born with the ball in her belly. It grew and grew from everytime the little girl was afraid of something and she buried that fear deep inside of her. For a long time, there was nobody to help the little girl to see that she didn't need to be afraid or sad or angry. because everyone around her had their own fears and balls of anger to deal with. Until one day, a kind prince was passing by the little girl's yard and he told her something nobody had ever told her before. That there's no need to fear! He said God's love is stronger, more resilient than any poison, his light can cut through any darkness. he can take that anger, fear, and sadness from you and make you like you never had it. You can be a new person, all you have to do is rest in God. Trust in him for everything. let God be your hero. It's all he wants to do! Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God.rTŠToday is the last session of urlLink JUMP Math for the year. It's a special one, with older students getting ready to go into High School. I am so nervous, and so excited. I believe this is going to be quite challenging. But I'm so enthusiastic about this program, I really believe in what they're doing. John Mighton, the founder, wrote this book called "The Myth of Ability" that basically says, that there is no such thing as an Un-Math brain. Every child can be talented in math, and no child should ever be made to feel untalented. It just requires patience and a new approach... teach them to follow the steps. Don't let them guess. Give them praise for their successes. I haven't read the book. but I plan to, over the summer. I'm getting a new, real job soon. i sure do hope, i'll still be able to do tutoring in the fall. gotta go get ready to go. I'll let you know how it goes!rTōUggghhnn...small red post saying that I feel achy. Been cooking my brain outside today. I've been studying in the garden. Should never do that again. I forget time, don't register anything, and the sun keeps on cooking me! I'm red now. I have to go kajaking in some hours, and have to face the sun again. I don't know if it's wise, but I love my Kajak. Someone tried to start a fire today...and I came to the conclusion that I must sufer from pyromania. Someone had obviously enjoyed a cigarette. And left it on the dry grass. I was lying there, after finishing my studies, and juuust wanted to relax. I was REALLY enjoying life and the birds were singing, my body was feeling all numb from the sun, I was gettign so tired and sleepy by the wind caresing my face...when I turned, it was there! Smoke was coming out of the grass!! I did nothing! Just looked at it and observed it, while the smoke was rising up the air. The smoke was getting white and thick. I looked how it danced up it way into the amazingly beautiful, bright blue sky. I was fascinated of the structure of the smoke, although my heart raced wildly, since I knew this probably wasn't good. I was devouring the smell of burnt grass or what reminded me of wood. The smell took my right back to excursions in the wood, where one had to try to start a bonfire. All of sudden the smoke stopped. The cigarette had finished burning and I was left with an empty sensation of loneliness-I had attached myself to the burning cigarette..I had had all these strange visions in my head of sirens, ambulance, firedepartments hunky guys and my flat burning and people yelling. A little 9/11 scenario in this little suburb of Copenhagen. I was kinda disappointed that nothing had happened, that the vision of me being the Cigarette hero, pouring my last drops of water onto the dangerous little butt of cigarette, had vanished in thin air. Then I wondered if all those previous toxines from my early smokingdays, really had me all screwed up? Smoking really IS bad for you...rX„"..Is the one, which tells you immediately, what the outcome will be: Good food, bad husband, horror able dinner, acing a test, bad sex, insanely demented neighbours... the last thing is an issue of mineā€¦ Insanely demented neighbours. I donā€™t know how, I just knew it: The first second said it all. Their Clampetyclamp annoying way of walking, their pathetic 4 sec. Lovemaking with no cuddle or talk, and their nocturnal journeys into an obvious extended version of Narnia. Then I knew, I would get problems with them. To be exactly: 4 years! Why didnā€™t I do anything at that point? Well, Iā€™m still struggling with the issue of why? Why havenā€™t I yelled, screamed, knocked down their door ā€“ or just simply killed them? I blame it on my insecurity. When I moved in four years ago, I was a pleaser! Hello ā€“ My name is Isabel, and I am a Pleaser. Not that I am recklessly rude now and saying all that I feel and think of, Iā€™m just more balanced now (says the insane woman behind the computerJ) But I used to say nothing ā€“ absolutely NOTHING. People could smear me in honey and place under a tree with little aggressive creatures going BZZZbzzzZZ and I would just stand there and smile, knowing that I would swell up like a balloon. I would of course look at the bright side, in a desperate attempt of denial, probably going ā€˜uhm, that honey is delicious ā€“ is it Lilly of the valley Honey?ā€™ Get my point? This would probably be a terrific case for Dr.Phil! Well, now Iā€™m here, numb because Iā€™m so angry that I feel nothing except my nerves, which just popped out on my skinā€¦Theyā€™re moving furniture AGAIN! Apparently theyā€™re in this cult saying ā€˜move furniture every night or you wonā€™t receive the embrace of Godā€™. I doubt theyā€™d ever do that no matter how many furniture they move. I mean, we live in this magnificent century, so many beautiful and practical things have been invented (or stolen), like, uhm, lets say those padded things to put under the chairs!!! Theyā€™re not made because your chairsā€™ little feet are freezing! Itā€™s because some chairs do make noise when moving them across a hard wooden floor (and it also protects them)! I donā€™t even know when or how to begin this blog, itā€™s already a messā€¦like my life, because of them. At least so it feels - I know a bit dramatic, but exaggeration enhances the true meaning of things. In my fantasy a casual conversation with the neighbours would sound something like this: Well, lets start with the beginning or something like that. I donā€™t remember when it started; graduately it has become worse with time. In the beginning it was just some clompetyclomp, not much to say, since it was sometimes not often and I got to sleep the whole night. I have a standard that says that if I can sleep all night, nothing bad has happened. I can deal with the whole world, with a perfect nightā€™s of sleep. I havenā€™t slept for 1 whole year now!!! You live right above me, and itā€™s an old flat, everything CAN be heard in the first place, but one could seek to minimize the noise. So, when the bathroom is being used it can be heard, the sneezing, talking, coughing, even walking hard with elephant shoes on the wooden floors can be heard, so maybe- just maybe and this must be insane of me to suggest: TRY TAKING OFF YOUR SHOES to start with for a change, it might help! You used to be only one, and sometimes your ā€˜sailorā€™ would come home. Thatā€™s my I named him sailor; he was only there in the Summerā€¦And THAT could be heard at night. Which is fine, coz it only lasts 4 seconds, but the BANGING of your bed against the wall, lasts for 10 and thatā€™s a bloody long time considering itā€™s 2 AM in the morning! And I have to get up early. As I mentioned, my sleep is tremendously important to me. I only want it disturbed by 3 reasons: 1) Thereā€™s a fire in my house, or a natural disaster has occurred RIGHT outside my window (which is highly unlikely, since itā€™s Denmark I live in) 2) My belly is hungry 3) My boyfriend wants sex Otherwise I really donā€™t want to be disturbed! Now, Every bloody night, I have to wait for you insane people to finish off your 3 hours marathon in a flat, which is only 58 SQM, before I am ALLOWED to fall asleep myself and thatā€™s why I ask you, if you have Narnia in your closet?? Which is strange, come to think of it. Because during the daytime thereā€™s usually not much coming down from you. Veeery quiet, like youā€™re waiting for the clock to show 10 in the evening, because then BAM..you get up and start running like wild horses through the entire flat. AAAaaand you donā€™t stop until it is passed midnight! Moving furniture dragging in obscure elephants from the closet of Narnia, and out into your flat, pretending no one lives under you and generally having a blast. I really envy you. I really wish I could do the same. But I canā€™t. Iā€™m stuck in my frustration and anger, and the beginning of an ulcer which I really enjoy nurturing and caring forā€¦ohh, and not to mention all these pimples Iā€™m getting from the stress Iā€™m being put through. Not the mental stressā€¦the sleep deprivation stress. I canā€™t shut yo out, I canā€™t just pretend not hearing you. Itā€™s like an ant standing in front of an elephant goingā€™ what, I donā€™t see anythingā€™ scenario. Not even the most experienced meditator, would be able to handle these people. Why is it that you can tell that a person is mental by the way heā€™s walking? Why walk with the heels, when Man has been created with such an anatomical (and practical) feature as feet! I might be feet obsessed, but I believe theyā€™re there for a reason ā€“ not abuse! And then the lack of common sense. Apparently, either your parents are heavenly retarded as well, or youā€™re doing all this on purpose because of reasons beyond my comprehension, or you simple lack that little genome called ā€˜Common senseā€™. And thenā€¦this is typical Danish, but WHY, oh WHY clean up your house once a month, and then have it so disgustingly dirty, that you are obliged to take a WHOLE WEEK OFF just to clean it up, because your boyfriendā€™s parents are coming over for 4 hours to celebrate his birthday? Now how do I know all this? Not because Iā€™m in the CIA. I saw you last week, cleaning windows at 8:30 in the evening, coming home from an evening stroll. During that whole week, you have been vacuum cleaning EVERY DAY for 3 days, you have been scrubbing at 8:30 in the evening your floors, walls, kitchen, ah, what the heck, your whole flat! They sang the birthday song going up the stairs, and then. the lovely symphony of chairs scraping against the floors AGAIN for 30 minutes, because apparently it takes 30 minutes to accommodate your huge arse on the chair! Well, of course, I donā€™t speak, but I speak in silenceā€¦Music on loudly in the morning, because since you get to bed late, you get up late too..BUT I DONā€™T! That really frustrates you. That and Sarah Brightman. Once, you had the nerve to come down, to tell me to lay off the music, because youā€™re watching TV. Oh, we all bow for the Princess. Well, for us mortals it is easy to see if one comes in genuine and humble asking for a favor attitude or that ratatouille stuck-up appearance of ā€˜ I rule the world, and the world evolves around meā€™ attitude. You collected the last one. But it was unfair, because at that time 7 in the evening, I still had the right to play music on loudly. After eight itā€™s forbidden. You on the other hand, infest my atmosphere, because that is what you indeed do, when you refuse to give me some proper SLEEP! And then youā€™re dragging me down to your level, by playing loud music in the morning (which Iā€™m also entitled to). And then you try to be so STUPID, that you play loud music, in what you call 8:30 in the morning (that is afternoon for me). But you only have time to play for about half a minute and then you have to be off for workā€¦how pity.. And then again. Iā€™m also pity for spending 3 pages on an obvious mentally insane person. But at least Iā€™m doing this, opening the valve with hot air. Because in the end, these are just words, passing through like air. IF you grasp them Iā€™ve accomplished what I wanted; a little of your attention, and even if itā€™s just fragments of words you remember, they are there; your mind registered the words, and I will not be forgotten. I still find your way of life immensely sad. Although thinking of it, mine is too. Iā€™m writing all this to two people I most likely wonā€™t talk to. And why? Because deep down inside, it all comes down to that second. That second of hesitation, that second of insecurity, that second when you feel in your gut it will bring trouble, that second where spontaneity was replaced by thoughts, that true and only second of pleasingā€¦rUOWelcome to a small glimps into my world. I will be adding to this blog soon :)rT˜Wow I totally forgot I had this blog....shame on me.....guess I have been stuck in the world of lj for to long and finding it hard to break free. I am hopeing that one of these days I will settle with one and stick to it. But then again knowing me, there isnt enough time in the world *LOL* Not much going on at the moment, I will go ahead now and add this site to my favs so I wont forget about it again :)rU»Hmmm I am still trying to figure this place out. Its a lot different to the other sites I have journals kept on. I guess I will just keep on pushing buttons and see where they take me LOLrT£Ah the weekend is finally here. Not sure I am glad or not. The kids school year ends this week, well it's already ended for Rickey since he was suspended the last five days of school. I guess I shoud put a lil info about myself in here, just incase someone stumbles across my blog. I am a 39 year old housewife, dealing with thyroid disorder, panic disorder and a child with brain damage from lead. And one that wasnt affected as badly. Rick and I met in 1985 and were married in 1987 and still to this day have a wonderful relationship. There really is never a dull moment in my life, although I do piss and moan a lot that I am bored. I am originally from upstate NY and now living in TN. I spent about 10 years hitch hiking around the USA and met Rick out in California. Like I said earlier, I do tend to piss and moan a lot, but all in all I have a good life and tons to be thankful for. So that in a nutshell is me :)r THSo here I am back for a quick, hello! Life is still on a full tilt, problem child and all that wonderful stuff. PC problems galore and using this VERY old laptop is just a godsend..without it I would be totally lost. Just the thought of no internet...eeeeek Not a good thing. Well till next time....when ever that will be....r!TpAh another day has gone by, and not to shabby I should add. I am going nuts trying to get a GMail account, but no luck yet...would be totally awesome to be at the start of something big..and I am totally tired of yahell...have used them for so many years, but they have been acting up as of late. My depression was pretty bad the last few days..but seems to be lifting..I still think I dont get my pms till after my period..whats up with that? I mean the week before is usually my best time..but the week after...look out!! Leave it to me to mess that up. I didnt even cry today!! *yay* me LOL Its been aweful hot here today..the humidity is really bad...I miss california's heat when it gets like this...heck out there I could walk to the store even when it hit 100*...here when it hits 80* I die!!! Well anyway, I had a pretty good day and think tomorrow will be good too :)r"T>Jamming on the alarm clock, Einishi groaned as he tried to get up from his bed. He blinked a few times before glancing at the calendar next to his bed. It's already the third week of school, but he's only gone to school once--on the first day. He debated whether he should go to school or not. What's the point? He's going to miss classes afterwards. But the un-lazy size got the better of him and he decided to attend classes, at least even for today. He made his way around his small apartment, searching for his school bag. Everywhere were either unfinished bags of potato chips or piles of clothes. He should start fixing up his apartment soon. Once he found his school bag, still intact from his first day of class, he hurried on to the kitchen, heating a leftover plate of pasta in the microwave. Tapping impatiently for the pasta, he just decided to take a short, nice bath. ----- Maybe that short, nice bath got a little carried away. He glanced at his watch as he raced to his classroom. Fortunately, the professor was late and he found the class still a mess when he got there. Pretending to walk slowly, he wondered why someone else was already in his seat. He couldn't have had that bad memory to forget his seat. Shrugging, he just walked over to the nearest empty seat, near the door at the back of the class. Ichirou-sensei, their homeroom teacher, arrived shortly. He was a man of a tall and slim stature, and donned fashionable glasses, in his middle thirties. He immediately began taking attendance. "Deguchi Einishi--oh, sorry," he said when he got to Einishi. He quickly made a mark in his record. Einishi raised his hand. "Present." Ichirou-sensei blinked a few times, before changing the mark on his record. He probably thought Einishi wouldn't be going to school for the whole year, since the latter did miss currently 99% of his classes. A girl with long hair, which Einishi believes he had never met before, came in late. "Sorry, I'm late!" She bowed to the sensei. She turned to go to her seat, but gave Einishi a look before settling in a seat in front. She might be the president of this class... Am I that rare to be found in class? Einishi thought as he rested his chin in his hand. "As you all know, today is the day we will be deciding the representatives for this class," Ichirou-sensei announced, making it sound like something to be excited about. Weird enough, the class began cheering and chatting excitedly as the sensei announced that. Einishi might have missed something--surely he did. He was the only one not getting hyped up about this. "May I ask the president to lead the voting?" the sensei said, nodding at the girl earlier. "Kobayashi-san?" She stood up, and Einishi could tell that many guys liked her, since they all stared as she walked to the sensei, with her long hair flowing behind her. Kobayashi? Einishi thought, racking his brain. He didn't remember anyone named Kobayashi, but he could understand if she was the president. All the guys there voted for beauty, and she might have already gotten to know his classmates--probably even more than he knew them. The sensei whispered a few notes before leaving the classroom. "Okay," the Kobayashi girl started. "This is a new school rule, right? So at least in this regard, we're equal." She flashed a smile. "Shall we begin the voting? We'll start with the girls." A guy immediately raised his hand. "I nominate Kobayashi-san!" "Hey, I was just about to say that!" "Too bad then." "Eizo, trying to get a jump ahead of us?" Einishi could hear the guys fighting over that petty thing. He sighed. A girl stood up. "I nominate myself, Tamura Miyako." She had quite a competitive and threatening glare at Kobayashi, but the latter just smiled and wrote Tamura's name. Einishi had always known that Tamura was the popular type who'd never lose to anyone, and she supported that lifestyle by garnering female followers. "Anyone else?" Even if he missed a decade of classes, Einishi could easily catch up with current happenings. For example, that time he could tell that all the girls were envious of the attention Kobayashi gets from the boys. Basically, all the guys voted for Kobayashi and all the girls voted for Tamura. And since the guys outweigh the girls in class by a number, Kobayashi won. She smiled sweetly and blushed a little. "This is too embarrassing. Thanks, guys." She erased the voting results. "Now, time for the boys." "I nominate myself!" said a guy in front whose hand shot up immediately. "No, me!" "I nominate me, Yoshikawa!" "Tsujimoto Hisaki!" A few more guys tried to vote themselves to get the representative position. What's so exciting about that? If Einishi wasn't mistaken, that meant having to go to interschool meetings and all that boring stuff...unless they're thinking about being paired up with Kobayashi. He couldn't help heaving another sigh as he smirked. "Wait, you guys! I can't keep up," she said exasperatedly as she grinned. "Can you slow down?" Tamura stood up and stomped. "This is getting out of hand, president. Are you sure you can handle this?" That was such an expected remark from last year's class president. "Maybe you should try to ask help from others and not hog everything for yourself." Kobayashi smiled sheepishly innocently. "Sorry, I'll try harder." "This is not going to work! Everyone is voting for themselves! Why don't you just list everyone and put one point for each?" Tamura said with an insulting tone. "That's what you want, right?" Regardless of Tamura's rudeness, the guys still continued their riot. "Stop it!" Kobayashi shouted. She was red, as she continued, "Sorry, but you guys are getting out of control. Why don't we just let the girls vote?" The class was silent. No girl wanted to cooperate with Kobayashi either. "I'll choose then." Kobayashi surveyed the class, before finally laying her eyes on him. "Deguchi Einishi."r#TŚCheck out these links for photos. urlLink Photo Number One This is a scanned photosticker of mine. I took this with my friends at Robinson's. We watched Spiderman, and then shopped, among other things. urlLink Photo Number Two This is Belle. I felt bad about cropping the picture, but ah well. She's in the other photosticker as well. She's not hard to spot. The other girl, by the way, is her older sister, Anna. More coming soon, count on that!r$TXOnce upon a time, in a place far far away, and in a time that was long, long ago, there lived a princess. This was at a time that there were many princesses in the land, and they were not uncommon. Princes were many too. Princes lived relatively easy lives, besides all the hunting, politics and the occasional rescuing of a damsel in distress, yes, they live easy lives. Think of all the good things they got. Feasts every night. Maids ready to pamper them. Whole castles -- theirs to rule. And add to that, if you're a prince, you can basically do anything you want. That also includes being able to pick any princess in the land to marry you. And because you're a prince, it doesn't matter that they don't want to marry you, or that they hate your guts, or that they think you're a disgusting pig and should get a haircut because that style is sooo last century, it all doesn't matter! You're a prince, and that's what matters. On the 15th of July, Princess Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam is born. Obviously, Princess Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam is a very special princess -- hence the long name. Before the story about this very special princess can continue, we must learn about her parents. Her mother's name was Mary Elizabeth Nostradam, maiden name Malone. She was not of any royal descent, but actually was a lowly peasant, whose family worked in the fields. Mary Malone grew up with straw in her dark brown hair and the smell of manure a constant companion. But she had a heart of gold, and Prince Roberto John Nostradam the Second, could see that. He fell deeply and madly in love with her, and because he was a prince, he was entitled to do anything he wanted. So, begrudingly, his parents, Queen Elizabeth and King Roberto John the First allowed the marriage, and on a cold winter day, when the air was frigid and you could see your breath come out in white mist, Mary Malone, a lowly peasant, was forever united with Prince Roberto John Nostradam, the Second. That day, was the 5th of December. Since that day, Mary Malone was Mary Malone no more, she became Mary Nostradam, and to please her mother-in-law, adopted Elizabeth as a middle name. So she became Mary Elizabeth Nostradam. Queen Elizabeth was very pleased, and the two women began a close friendship. A couple of months later, Mary becomes pregnant -- Prince Roberto is delighted. He orders a huge banquet, and even invites Mary's family to join. Despite the fact that there were many lovely French maidens entertaining, Prince Roberto does not commit adultery. Mary is delighted, and realizes that their bond is true. She loves him especially that night. At around early January, King Arthur passes away, quietly, in his bed, and on the 23rd of January, Prince Roberto John Nostradam becomes King. Mary, though heavy with child, attends the coronation. A couple of months later, around mid-March, a neighboring kingdom thinks that King Roberto is a wimpy king, so they decide to attack. King Roberto rides out with an army of many thousands to meet the attack. The war lasts for a couple of months, but King Roberto is triumphant. After making the necessary arrangements to take over the defeated kingdom and assimilate it as his, he makes it back in time for his baby's birth. So, it is July the 15th. Early morning, Queen Mary goes into labour. Mid-wives rush to the scene, and one is sent off to find King Roberto John, and after five drueling hours, the baby is born. "Tis a girl, milady," Brona, one of the mid-wives, says. She wraps the newborn baby girl in a blanket and hands her to Queen Mary. Narobi, another mid-wife, goes to the door, and tells King Roberto, who has been pacing outside the door for the last five hours, that he can come in now. Abigail, the third mid-wife who was the one sent out to find King Roberto John, is cleaning up. The door bursts open just as Queen Mary Elizabeth has taken the babe into her arms. She looks into the babe's face, and then up at her husband. She says, "Roberto, isn't she beautiful? Just beautiful?" King Roberto John gazes into the babe's face, and cannot help a smile breaking onto his face. He feels a fluttering and bubbling in his stomach. He feels immensely happy. His voice breaks as he exclaims, "I'm a father, I'm a father!" The next day, the newborn girl is baptised as Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam. "Why the long name?" King Roberto askes his lovely, lovely wife after the baptism. "Tis such a mouthful." Queen Mary says simply, "My husband, she's a special one. I know it. I've known it since the moment I gave birth to her. A special one like her, deserves a special name." She smiles playfully, looking into her husband's deep blue eyes. "I know you like her name too." King Roberto looks right back into his wife's light grey ones. "Well, maybe." They lean towards each other, and kiss. A quick one because Brona is coming back with Julianna in her arms, squirming and restless. "Milady, she's hungry," Brona says. She hands Julianna to Queen Mary, curtseys, and leaves. After Queen Mary has fed Julianna, she cradles her in her arms, and sings her a sweet lullaby. King Roberto sits next to Queen Mary, making faces at the baby so that she laughs, and stays awake. Eventually, Queen Mary hits King Roberto, so that he can stop making little Julie laugh. She needs her sleep. Now, don't you have any important political things to do? King Roberto rises, and says that he always has important political things to do. A quick kiss, and he is off striding towards the monks. Queen Mary stares lovingly after King Roberto for a moment, and then turns her head back to little Julie. She starts to sing again. "Sleep now, my dear child, for your mother is singing you this sweet lullaby to show you that she loves you She loves you.. "And may your dreams be pleasant with beautiful flowers and butterflies honey bees, and majestic skies "Whenever your mother sings you this sweet lullaby..."r%T.Once upon a time, in a place far far away, and in a time that was long, long ago, there lived a princess. This was at a time that there were many princesses in the land, and they were not uncommon. Princes were many too. Princes lived a relatively easy life, besides all the hunting, politics and the occasional rescuing of a damsel in distress they do, yes, they live easy lives. Think of all the good things they got. Feasts every night. Maids ready to pamper them. Whole castles -- theirs to rule. And add to that, if you're a prince, you can basically do anything you want. That also includes being able to pick any princess in the land to marry you. And because you're a prince, it doesn't matter that they don't want to marry you, or that they hate your guts, or that they think you're a disgusting pig and should get a haircut, it all doesn't matter! You're a prince, and that's what matters. On the 15th of July, Princess Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam is born. Obviously, Princess Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam is a very special princess -- hence the long name. Her mother's name was Mary Elizabeth Nostradam, maiden name Malone. She was not of any royal descent, but actually was a lowly peasant, whose family worked in the fields. Mary Malone grew up with straw in her dark brown hair and the smell of manure a constant companion. But she had a heart of gold, and Prince Roberto John Nostradam, could see that. He fell deeply and madly in love with her, and because he was a prince, he was entitled to do anything he wanted. So, begrudingly, his parents, Queen Elizabeth and King Arthur allowed the marriage, and on a cold winter day, when the air was frigid and you could see your breath , Mary Malone, a lowly peasant, was forever united with Prince Roberto John Nostradam. That day, was the 5th of December. Mary Malone was Mary Malone no more, she became Mary Nostradam, and to please her mother-in-law, adopted Elizabeth as a middle name. So she became Mary Elizabeth Nostradam. Queen Elizabeth was very pleased, and the two women began a close friendship. A couple of months later, Mary becomes pregnant -- Prince Roberto is delighted. He orders a huge banquet, and even invites Mary's family to join. Despite the fact that there were many lovely French maidens entertaining, Prince Roberto does not commit adultery. Mary is delighted, and realizes that their bond is true. She loves him especially that night. At around early January, King Arthur passes away, quietly, in his bed, and on the 23rd of January, Prince Roberto John Nostradam becomes King. Mary, though heavy with child, attends the coronation. A couple of months later, around mid-March, a neighboring kingdom thinks that King Roberto is a wimpy king, so they decide to attack. King Roberto rides out with an army of many thousands to meet the attack. The war lasts for a couple of months, but King Roberto is triumphant. After making the necessary arrangements to take over the defeated kingdom and assimilate it as his, he makes it back in time for his baby's birth. So, it is July the 15th. Early morning, Queen Mary's water breaks. Mid-wives rush to the scene, and after five drueling hours, the baby is born. "Tis a girl, milady," Brona, one of the mid-wives, says. She wraps the newborn baby girl in a blanket and hands her to Queen Mary. Narobi, another mid-wife, goes to the door, and tells King Roberto, who has been pacing outside the door for the last five hours, that he can come in now. Abigail, the third mid-wife, is cleaning up. The door bursts open just as Queen Mary has taken the babe into her arms. She looks into the babe's face, and then up at her husband. She says, "Roberto, isn't she beautiful? Just beautiful?" King Roberto looks into the babe's face, and cannot help a smile breaking onto his face. He feels a fluttering and bubbling in his stomach. He feels immensely happy. His voice breaks as he exclaims, "I'm a father, I'm a father!" The next day, the newborn girl is baptised as Julianna Arisben Riyala Nostradam. "Why the long name?" King Roberto askes his lovely, lovely wife after the baptism. "Tis such a mouthful." Queen Mary says simply, "My husband, she's a special one. I know it. I've known it since the moment I gave birth to her. A special one like her, deserves a special name." She smiles playfully, looking into her husband's deep blue eyes. "I know you like it too." King Roberto looks right back into his wife's light grey ones. "Well, maybe." They lean towards each other, and kiss. A quick one because Brona is coming back with Julianna in her arms, squirming and restless. "Milady, she's hungry," Brona says. She hands Julianna to Queen Mary, curtseys, and leaves. After Queen Mary has fed Julianna, she cradles her in her arms, and sings her a sweet lullaby. King Roberto sits next to Queen Mary, making faces at the baby so that she laughs, and stays awake. Eventually, Queen Mary hits King Roberto, so that he can stop making little Julie laugh. She needs her sleep. Now, don't you have any important political things to do? King Roberto rises, and says that he always has important political things to do. A quick kiss, and he is off striding towards the monks. Queen Mary stares lovingly after King Roberto for a moment, and then turns her head back to little Julie. She starts to sing again. ................... to be continued.r&UBHello. This is my photo blog. I'm just posting random photos here.r'T‰ Well, if I say so myself, I think this photoblog of sorts has been doing pretty well. It certainly looks nice. Doesn't it? Anyway, I would've written earlier/sooner except that the modem has been broken for about five days. I'm not exactly sure how long, since I've never really had a good sense of time -- that is, ever since my watch broke and the year ended, and my beloved Harry Potter calender (that cost a fortune) was no longer usable. Those were pretty much my only sources of time. If you were wondering how I've been these past five days, well, the answer is: pretty good. Lately though, I've been having a certain, well, reluctance, in getting out of bed (even though I have been sleeping in) but I'm guessing that I won't be having this same reluctance for long. Internet is back, there are things to do! I have discovered that my life is quite dull without the internet, really. I have gotten a few things done with my embroidery. Without internet on to keep me occupied, I have managed to do a few other things. Embroider, for one. Read. (although not as much as my bookworm-self would like) But, mostly I've been playing Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. Trying to up my Amazon's (whose name is Blotty -- in "honor" of my Yahoo! sign-in name) level and avoiding Andariel as much as possible. I have also begun using a new character, an Assassin, whose name is Sapries. Don't ask me how she got it, I was rather stumped, and lately I've been writing whatever comes to mind. Anyhow, enough about me, what is this entry supposed to be about? Well, before I can begin, I must say first that I frequent boards. I used to be a part of many boards, but now, it has boiled down to a round (well, not round, but you get my meaning) three. One of them, is the Harry Potter Boards. More commonly known as HPB . (My username is sleepless -- if you're interested in joining and giving me a point for referrals. [;)) As in most HP boards, I get sorted, and I'm in Hufflepuff! I rather think that Hufflepuff suits me, and that I belong there. It's a fun house, and really, Hufflepuff has its share of smart, brave, and kind people. There are none that are really, well... sly. Or evil. It's not canon! Anyhow, there is this new challenge, found here. It's called The Personal Badger Challenge! I have a badger myself, Badger #11: The Babbling Badger. And you bet you'll see my entry in here. I'm afraid that I'll have a hard time making it only two-hundred words though. After all, I am the babbling badger. [:) Hope all reading are doing well! For now, ciao! Edited: Oh wait, it has to be over two-hundred words! This is great! urlLinkr(U»Don't have much to talk about today. Just posting to say that I'm sorry my diary is just filled with crappy photos. I'm guess I'm just not in as good a mood as I thought I was. I'm sorry.r)U»Don't have much to talk about today. Just posting to say that I'm sorry my diary is just filled with crappy photos. I'm guess I'm just not in as good a mood as I thought I was. I'm sorry.r*U»Don't have much to talk about today. Just posting to say that I'm sorry my diary is just filled with crappy photos. I'm guess I'm just not in as good a mood as I thought I was. I'm sorry.r+UurlLink photosticker from latest trip with friend to Robinson's. In order from left to right: Belle, Anna, and me. Posted by urlLink Hellor,U9urlLink an old picture of me Posted by urlLink Hellor-U+urlLink Belle. Posted by urlLink Hellor.UJurlLink testing since it doesn't seem to work Posted by urlLink Hellor/UAurlLink Just testing another picture Posted by urlLink Hellor0T&Currently Listening to: And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - How Near, How Far Did you know this song was on the tv series John Doe? I immediately recognized it and got really really happy because it's such a great song, and how shall I explain myself? Anyhow, I'm going to go to bed soon so I'm sure Mesu will be very very relieved. (Somewhere in the back of this bare and empty room, Mesu nods vigorously) Just typing another post because it's one of these wierd things I do. I don't understand it myself, really. (Be-be bonks Mrs. Eraser on the head, and she says "Ow!) Don't mind that other post, by the way. By the way... who's reading? Anyhow, these past few entries were completely useless, and I fear that this entry will be useless too. You know what, screw the parenthesis, my muses should not be contained!!!! At this, Mesu rises up from the corner of the room, suddenly levitates and smoothly glides over to the.. the what? Center of the room? Well, I dunno. Mesu is a she, by the way. I finally remembered. Oh really, why am I doing this?r1T3Currently Listening to: Sunny Day Real Estate - 47 Actually, you know, I'm having a lot of fun here. I just wrote myself a very boring profile and well, just checked out a few things and well, did stuff. But it's fun. Blogger is very very cool. No wonder lots of people use it. Anyhow, I really have nothing to write about. And so I'm just typing around, doing nothing of much substance. I haven't had dinner yet and I'm kinda hungry. Should I go eat? "Yes!" shrieks Mesu. She, or maybe it was he, could no longer stand all this.. all this... whatever it was, the genderless Mesu can no longer take it, and is cradling his/her head in agony. Be-be, sitting next to Mesu, laughs mercilessly. "Don't stop Sarah, don't stop! Leave Mesu in agony," he says. Be-be throws back his head and laughs evilly: "Mwahahhaha!" Kiyo is worried. She is worried about Mesu and Be-be. "Look Sarah, something is wrong with the both of them. What should we do?" Sarah aka Elle aka Yu aka Mrs. Eraser frowns. "Well how am I supposed to know? I'm not a know-it-all, you know! You can't just all of a sudden ask me these things, and expect an answer from me! I just can't.. can't.." She breaks down and cries. Kiyo throws her hands up in defeat. "Oh screw it. I'm going to go raid Be-be's life-time supply of ice-cream. I can't take this anymore."r2T8In the mean time, I'll just type around. If anyone is wondering why I got a blog in the first place if I don't even know what I'm going to do with it then, my reply is: good question. Well... I already have a urlLink diary , you see, so I don't think I'll be doing a lot of personal writing, but I guess this blog is just for all things. I was thinking of putting in some stories around here too. I write, you know? Fancy some mad girl like me writing, but yeah. Hmm. I'm sorry, I'm sort of loony and giddy right now. Would you like to know more about me? Hmmm... yes, maybe. I could type up something, but you see, I'm rather tired or writing about myself so I'll just pull something up from my other blog somewhere, and anyone who's reading this can read that. The templates here are quite cool, no? Very very nice....r3T-Okay, so my name is Yu and I'm starting a blog. More details later, but I what I really want to do right now is just get this over and done with and see if this works or not! I've tried doing this before but there were some problems. Maybe later I will start writing about my dream about Spiderman. :)r4U‘urlLink Me. Cropped (again, I feel bad about that) from a photosticker of Anna and I. This was before I cut my hair. Posted by urlLink Hellor5XŗOh my goodness! I think Iā€™m coming down with something. Tonight, I will be sure to spend some quality time with my bottle of Robitussum. Need to pack! Canā€™t wait till tomorrow!r6Xß Yesterday, I was in a weird mood. I hadnā€™t been feeling 100% due to lack of sleep perhaps from the night before. I wanted to study, but my heart wasnā€™t in it. After work, I picked up my car from the dealership. I was dismayed to find my car in a moderately clean condition (instead of super duper spectacular). Afterwards, I went over to Marcusā€™ apartment only to discover that he was absent. I grabbed my badge and headed for home. His absence annoyed me because he told me heā€™d be cooking me dinner. When I got to my place, I gave him a ring. He didnā€™t answer so I left a message. He didnā€™t call me back till 7 or so citing that heā€™d been grocery shopping this whole time. I talked to him about 3-4ish and he had given me the impression that he was wrapping things up and was heading to the grocery store where he planned to pick up some dinner and head on home. Thatā€™s a long time to be wrapping things up/grocery shopping. He didnā€™t like my tone of voice, and I told him the miscommunication was frustrating and that I was no pleased. Tough. After my failed attempt at a nap, I headed over to his place b/c he wasnā€™t answering his phone. I figured Iā€™d pick up the coffee he bought for me and maybe study till he got there. Just before I arrived I called again, and he picked up. He asked where I was and I told him I was headed to his apartment. I asked him where he had been and he said he was talking to his neighbor. He was surprised that I mentioned coming to his place when he wasnā€™t there. I asked him if he had a problem with that because I already tried calling him to let him know. He almost sounded accusatory at first, but heā€™s been over to my place many times without my presence. He has no right to be angry. I arrived, but noticed that he had no pot to boil hot water or a coffee mug from which to drink. I wanted to leave almost as soon as I sat down. It would take him forever to boil the hot water and I wasnā€™t in the mood to wait around for his tortoiselike pace. I was thinking that Iā€™d also wanted to sleep early and needed to wake up early. He likes to stay up late. I made as if to go and he asked me if I was leaving. I said yes and asked him if he wanted me to stay. He mumbled something that sounded like do whatever you want and my mind was made up. I lay down and heard him washing the dishes. He had mentioned that he could wash the pot and boil water for me. Too late. I picked up my stuff and kissed him goodbye. He looked to his right and my eyes gravitated toward the direction of his gaze. He had already started boiling the water. As I made ready for bed he called me. He asked me if I was alright. I was fine. I donā€™t think Iā€™ll get mad at him anymore b/c itā€™s a wasted emotion on him. I headed home and was rewarded with many Zā€™s. I feel great today, like the title, refreshed and invigorated. Meanwhile, Ryan called. Iā€™m so excited to see him. Another bonus: Free lunch for Tilford's retirement. Yay!r7XåThis weekend was great. Friday night, Marcus, his mother, and I all went out to Jazz at the Bistro. We ordered three appetizers, some wind and had a good dose of jazz to start out the evening. Afterwards, we visited Bar Italia. Much to our surprise, we spotted Monica, Marcusā€™ sister there. Sheā€™s underage, but at least sheā€™s not at a skanky bar. She innocently replied that she had just been trying to contact the mother and was so happy to have bumped into her. Ha! Mario showed up later that evening. I heard Marci tell Mario that Marcus only says good things about him and talks about him all the time. Interesting. Marcus has been telling me that since Mario moved in with Pat, heā€™s in a better place. Maybe so. We frequented the Pepper Lounge to dance for a bit. Marci can shake her booty. Most of the people that night exclaimed how pretty she was. Sheā€™s an attractive woman, but I donā€™t see how so many people could have mistaken her for Marcusā€™ girlfriend. She does have an extraordinary amount of energy. I donā€™t know if my mom could have lasted that longā€¦ Saturday was great. We dropped my car off to the shop then went to the Botanical Gardens to look at the Japanese koi. Beautiful. We sat by the pond for a bit and Marcus took some pictures. The Garden is so large, we didnā€™t have enough time to venture out into the other areas. I almost forgot that I made a quick stop to the Soulard Market. Oh My God!! I found cheap asian bras that fit me! Iā€™m so happy. Marcus had said earlier that he liked small boobs. I wonder if that translates to his liking asian women? He said he has no inclination whatsoever, but I wonder if his denial is due to the fact that he knows I am disgusted with Asian fetishes. Ok, so we got back to my place and made ready to go to Leaā€™s surprise birthday party. I was exhausted but still had enough energy to make it out. The girls want to have a womanā€™s night. I donā€™t think Iā€™ll be able to commit to it. Iā€™m too busy. Iā€™m not sure I can put of with our ideological differences on a weekly basis either. Apparently, Lea wants to read the bible. Yeah.. I donā€™t think so. That night I had a bad dream. It had something to do with Marcus cheating on me. I couldnā€™t catch him with the other woman he had, but I did see him swapping spit with another girl. It was Shannon. However, Shannon morphed into some Asian girl. It was initially supposed to be a goodbye kiss. I was there because we were shopping. Marcus and she exchanged a kiss, looked at each other longingly for a second and dove in for a deeper kiss. He didnā€™t think I had been watching because I was supposedly distracted with some jewelry. I saw it in my peripheral vision, but my dream added cinematographic effects and zoomed in on the kiss. I didnā€™t let the second one happen. I yelled at Marcus and was crying. In my dream, this kiss seemed to have confirmed all the suspicions I had that he had been cheating on me. He denied everything. Even the kiss. I was broken-hearted and mad that I could have been so gullible and permitted our relationship to have lasted for so long. Marcus woke me up because I was crying hard. Really I was dry racking (you know like dry heaving, but with sobs). He asked me what was wrong and I briefed him on the dream. We had sex that morning. He didnā€™t want to at first, but I managed to seduce him. Bow down to my powers. The rest of the day he seemed out of it. I wasnā€™t sure what was wrong. He said nothing, but I belatedly reasoned that it must have been the sex. Hmm.. I guess I wonā€™t try to have him again. Iā€™m getting tired of this. We went bike riding. I loved it. It made me nervous at first, but Iā€™ve acclimated to the sport. We stopped early because of the looming threat of rain. However, it didnā€™t rain for the rest of the day. Afterwards, I looked up listings of Shrek 2 online. I called up Melissa and Karly and we met up to watch the flick. However, I bought my tickets online, and they did not. It was sold out, so I changed my tickets for a later showing. Marcus wasnā€™t too pleased with this. Apparently, he had made plans in his mind to meet up with Merrick. I was thinking that it would have been nice if he had let me know, but I apologized for not conferred with him prior to changing our plans. Melissa joined us for some dinner while we waited for the next showing. The movie was hilarious. We split with the group afterwards to go back to my place to pick up clothes for today. He told me that Shannon was having a get together for her birthday. We went back to his place so that he could change. I remembered that I forgot my birth control pills and asked him if he could come with me to get my patch. He demurred that if I dropped him off, we wouldnā€™t have to stay there long. I liked this plan, so I dropped him off and got my patch. When I got there and he asked me what I had been doing. He must have missed me. I shared one glass of wine with him, and then we ordered another. I didnā€™t think we were going to drink because he seemed displeased when I said I might drink before we went out. I must have been wrong because the 13 bucks I offered didnā€™t cover the tab. Well, my mind and body were tired and calling to go home. Iā€™m such a wuss. He didnā€™t look like he was going to move though. So, the urge to smoke overcame me. I had one despite his protests. I was ready to leave. He said he needed to think a minute on his plan of action. This didnā€™t please me. Shannon said sheā€™d be there for 30 minutes longer. He decided to come back after I went back to my place. While driving, I was thinking that he probably would take a lot longer than 30 minutes. He always does. I was also thinking that my dogs probably missed me more than he would and that I should never have come back to him. I told him Iā€™d be staying at my place. He said that he would only be a minute, but Iā€™d heard that bit before. I was thinking it would be a waste of my time to get mad, and Iā€™d rather get sleep. Besides, I donā€™t know if things will work out. I could tell that he didnā€™t really want me to go home, but I was bothered by his wanting to return to the bar, my dream, and his aloofness earlier that day. At the same time, I understood that he wanted to be with his friend and that I needed sleep. We really havenā€™t been intimate on a regular basis for awhile now. He says that weā€™ve been busy. Iā€™m never too busy for some action, but I guess he gets tired. I read something about a p test (hidden cipher in case someone reads this and knows what Iā€™m talking about). I thought this was strange and did somewhat corroborate my dream. More like disturbing. A dreamt yesterday that I tested negative for being anemic.r8X·Photographer P talked to me yesterday as I was making my way back to my desk. I wish heā€™d stop trying to make small conversation. I made my body and my eyes emote this sentiment in how I was angled away from him and my eyes seem to shift distractedly about the hall. His skills of observation are to be envied, Iā€™m sure. He was asking me about my bike and if I had purchased one yet. I said that I had. He asked me if I biked around Forest Park, and I replied that I had not. The knowledge of my proximity to the park must be public. He remarked that he lived 10 minutes away and passed through the area quite often. I told him that I wasnā€™t ready yet and only took my bike around the neighborhood on secluded backstreets. Luck was smiling down on me because another coworker stepped in asking P a question. I utilized the interruption and made a quick get away. Close call. I donā€™t see why he continues to make the effort of dialogue when itā€™s clear that Iā€™d rather go about my business. The hallway at work is an unwelcome opportunity for confrontation. Donā€™t get me wrong. I enjoy conversation and most of my other coworkers, but my intuition bids me to steer clear of his company. I had a dream about Gav. I was writing an email updating him on things since Iā€™d last seen him. In his response, I saw him as if he were talking to me. He was laughing and calling me that term of endearment that he used often to tease me (cheeky bastard). I dreamt that he hadnā€™t married yet. Iā€™ll contact him in the fall. Things are going well with Marcus. I skipped arguing with him this month. The likely culprit is my studies. I was reading on the website that I really need to volunteer at a dentistā€™s office. Iā€™ll try my hand in that in a couple of weeks. I had no idea it was so important. My carā€™s air conditioning isnā€™t working. Itā€™s going to be 90 something today. How uncomfortable. Tonight, when I get back from work, Iā€™m going to clean my car out. Then, my car goes to the shop and I have a fancy new loan till it gets fixed. Yay for me! Pew! The maintenance people are in the building making a ruckus. How many fat rednecked boys does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently 3. This one red headed guy has hair that medusa would envy and smells like he hasnā€™t taken a shower in weeks. Iā€™d never encountered anyone with such compelling body odor. Edit that to repelling. Yuck. Lea called me to go out with her to see a dance performance tonight. No can do. First, I need to study. Even if I didnā€™t study, I told Marcus I would hang with him. Third, sheā€™s kind of getting on my nerves. This feeling might be mutual. I canā€™t talk about religion with most people anymore. This nation has been saturated with teachings that seem to transcend logic and thought. I canā€™t base my future and beliefs on faith that I believe to be intriguing yet absurd. When I study religions that preach external salvation, it seems like a fantastic idea stolen from a storybook. People use the world myth when referring to Greco-Roman gods. Is it far-fetched to think that a monotheistic god canā€™t also be a myth or maybe that there could exist another possibility? Why does it make sense that in life, weā€™re judged by our actions, but in death, weā€™re judged by our beliefs? Iā€™m against a hell. If it does exist, then I donā€™t mind going to it because I acted on my integrity. Why would anyone want to worship a god that would unfairly reward a person despite his actions and punish a person to spite their faith or lack of. The arrogance of a person to condemn another to hell is not their place. Many people derive strength from their faith, and Iā€™m outraged that someone could be so presumptive to assume that theirs is the only truth. This close-mindedness is grates on my nerves. I find the existence of people that speak in tongues to be ludicrous. I find the belief to be tantamount to brain washing. It doesnā€™t mean Iā€™m right. I will concede a lack of knowledge. However, I think itā€™s a greater shame that these people donā€™t try to explore other thoughts. It will only lead to greater understanding. Anyway, that is why Lea is irritating me. The greater pity is that I donā€™t think she will change. Marcus has faith as well. He doesnā€™t like it when I express amazement that people believe in god, so Iā€™ve kept it to myself. After all it does help maintain tradition, a sense of closeness in the community and some social morality. Sometimes I donā€™t mind the ceremonial/ritualistic aspects of it. The wafers they hand out at communion are yummy to my tummy. Maybe I should take up prayer. Or prayerlike meditation. I do think taking some time out of the day and seeking solace in ones thoughts might do a mind and body good. Eww gross. The handyman came into my cube to talk to me. He goes like, ā€œI saw you come into the cube.ā€ I come in through a tiny slab of an opening. There are two openings, and because of a girth restraint that hinders most people, the larger one is utilized with greater frequency. I responded in an affirmative tone. Then he goes like, ā€œ So, this is your cube, you just get to hide away up in here.ā€ Yup, thatā€™s me... and my cube... and my hideaway. Meanwhile Iā€™m thinking, and what are you doing in it Mr. Creepy Maintenance Man? He left soon after. There is only so much two anonymous strangers with no common thread but a light fixture can say to each other.r9XI was lazy yesterday. So naughty! Iā€™ve figured out another regimen to adopt to help motivate my studies and me. Today, I will go home and prepare a spinach salad and drink a vial of that ginseng herb. The concoction usually gives me a boost of energy, so Iā€™m sure itā€™ll motivate me to go to the bookstore. I will skip out on exercising until maybe tomorrow night. I did my little workout routine. Iā€™m liking my tone. Afterwords, I got caught up in my book. I finished it this morning on the way to work. Makes one think about the ethics of cloning. I donā€™t think Marcus is ever going to get me that ipod, however, I did get me some booty. Unfortunately, it wasnā€™t very exciting. I wish heā€™d kiss me more or be more aggressive. He rarely kisses me on the lips anymore. If he does, he does this brief kiss pull back thing. This morning he let me kiss him on the cheek. Itā€™s irritating. Speaking of booty, my baby has such a tiny one. Itā€™s cute, but itā€™s smaller than mine now. Iā€™m thin, but his disturbs me. I read on CNN that there is an increase in eating disorders in males in America. I think he needs to find time to eat more. Things to do: buy REAL cottonballs, get two cans of coffee, study, study, study. God, Iā€™m tired.r:XĶYesterday was fairly mundane. I went home after another unproductive day at work and did a little workout then wasted the rest of the day with a nap. Karly provided a break in the day with a phone call. Sheā€™s dogsitting to Dobermans for a friend and wanted to know if Iā€™d be interested in taking my dogs out to the dog park with her. My dogs are scared to death of most things, but I thought it might be nice for them to get out and about. However, upon the torrential monsoon-like storms weā€™ve been getting, Iā€™m going to have to postpone our dog-date till tomorrow or another sunny day. That works out better for me because I can spend more time at the bookstore studying. Marcus came over last night. He didnā€™t sleep well due to Mishkaā€™s incessant barking. She was scared of the thunder and wanted to lie in my arms. This did not please him. Today, Iā€™m reading The house of the Scorpion. I'm feeling a slow and languid. It must be the rain.r;XčI had the unfortunate experience of participating in one of those speed dating events. This has become somewhat of a fad among business professionals that are too ā€œbusyā€ to meet people. The number of people varies as well as the time in which you meet. There were probably 10-11 guys for each girl that were to meet for 3-5 minutes. I had gotten dinner with Marcus earlier and accidentally spilled salsa on my shirt, so I had to rush home for a change. I shouldnā€™t have been in such a hurry because I still had to wait when I got there. My arrival was also delayed by roadkill. Poor pooch was hit in the middle of the highway. It was a good 80 lbs or more. Someoneā€™s going to miss their best friend. The batch of guys present was indeed slim pickings. These are guys I probably wouldnā€™t normally talk to in a social setting. Iā€™m just being a realist. If we donā€™t have music in common, then we probably have very little to talk about. The first guy I talked to wouldnā€™t stop staring. Gross. The rest of the guys were ok, but nothing outstanding. The last guy was by far the most annoying. I was going to start giving him a verbal beatdown, but managed to maintain my composure. This last guy put me over the edge and I wanted nothing more to do with the event. Iā€™d wasted enough of my time and dinero. Melissa understood the cruel and unusual punishment that I had to endure. The host gave me a dirty look when I told him this was just not for me. What can I say. Instead, I got plenty of sleep. I feel much better this morning. It must have been exactly what I needed. That book, The Seduction of Water, was a trite and predictable read. I donā€™t recommend it. Tonight, I will go to the library to get more books!r<XÖI havenā€™t felt like myself since Thursday. My body and mind have been running on low this whole weekend. No drinking this week and upcoming weekend for me. Friday night was supposed to be booked for dancing. The DJs from Astralwerks ended up being a misprint. That sucked. However, the night wasnā€™t a total waste. Emily called me up to go to a happy hour martini at the Chase. It was to commemorate our old drinking days. Initially, I declined citing a hangover from the night prior. However, I could not get myself to take a nap, so I figured no more of my time and effort should be wasted. I was looking cute when I walked out. Part of me wanted to look good because I knew I would see Marcus. Part of me just likes looking nice. I got there and was greeted by Amir. He was generous enough to compliment me and offer a drink. Yay for me! That was my last free drink of the night. Apparently, I just missed a bevy of boys that had been surrounding Emily. One of these boys is Emilyā€™s current interest. I called Karly up to join us downstairs, and she arrived about half an hour later with her boyfriend in tow. Iā€™d met all his friends before at his surprise birthday party. Later that weekend, I realized that Iā€™d met all of them before at a Rootā€™s concert. They are all quite pleasant and charming. One guy, Steve, joined us later and caught Emilyā€™s eye. She immediately pulled me aside to gather some info on him. He remembered me from that birthday party, and I thought he was far more attractive with a boyish demeanor after our conversation. Marcus knows them all. He told me Steve is closer to his 30s and going through a divorce. Shocking, because he looks like heā€™s ~23 or younger. Emily seemed to be acquainted with them as well. Itā€™s a small world. Anyway, Marcus came in and told me these guys thought Emily was psycho. Ha! When she and I briefly hung out with them at a Roots concert, she took a liking to Steve. (I happen to get into the venue, but left them to fraternize amongst themselves). Anyway, after that evening, she honed her telephone use on Steve, much to his chagrin. This caused somewhat of a scandal in their eyes, and she was tainted as a stalker. I never knew Emily had this kind of potential. Marcus told me about the ordeal. After cleaning up some cobwebs in my memory bank, I recalled the whole thing and how I knew them. She knows them through her friend Cara, who happens to be acquainted with all these law students. Marcus know Karly and Aroun(sp?) and friends through BP and has met them on numerous occasions. After a couple of brief rounds of dancing, Marcus and I headed out to Lo, where we were sorely disappointed by the no show DJ. He was exhausted and wanted to go home. I wasnā€™t ready to have my night end, so I called up Emily to join her at Moxyā€™s. She was hanging with her new boy and his chums. Their chemistry wasā€¦ interesting. I had no clue which of the guys she was sitting with was hers. I ended up sitting next to an outgoing guy and we laughed for a bit. This was her guy. He ran after me after I left to make sure I was ok to drive. How sweet. I went home exhausted. The next morning began too early. This messed me up for the rest of the day. Emily called to go shopping. What fun! I brought the cutest dress for $15, 2 floral pins ~$5 each, a purse $23, some toe rings $7, and skirt $20. She bought a lot, but has deeper purse strings than I. Later that evening, I went out with Lea. I think I prefer going out with large groups of people. Lea and I have serious theological differences. Itā€™s grating on my nerves. She knows Iā€™m going to hell and is positive that she knows this truth. Itā€™s laughable to hear her say such things. Itā€™s also insulting that sheā€™s not openminded enough to concede to the possibility that there might exist other truths beside her own. Itā€™s insulting that she would think that I havenā€™t reflected on these matters and that her limited intellect could dictate my possible future with any modicum of accuracy. People have been debating these issues for years and have not reached a universal resolution on these matters. As strong as her faith may be, I donā€™t think her actions necessarily reflect well on a consistent basis. Anyway, our evening was more or less uneventful. We went to Atomic Cowboy because Lea wanted to see Rick. Rick has a huge crush on her. She likes to flirt. Unfortunately, he was working at the Pageant. Instead, Peter was there. Peter is good to me. Anyway, Mario walked in later and started talking about this guy Marty. Marty has a crush on Lea as well. It seems as though heā€™s not as pristine in character as Lea had initially suspected. He dabbles in hard drugs and has a plethora of stripper girlfriends. She was not pleased after hearing this and wanted to go to Rue to see if he was there and possibly to have drinks on his tab. We hunted him down in a fruitless search, after all, Iā€™m about free alcohol. I saw some people I knew and hung out with them for a bit. I think it was odd that she was so adamant about seeing him. Why did she care? She said something about him looking bad and wanting to see how he was going to react to her (as if he would know of her freshly gained insight). Why would he react any different? It was stupid. She probably just felt stupid for having thought he was a nice guy and wanted to get back at him in a passive aggressive manner. Marcus finally came over to meet up with us and we went to a house party but tired of the scene early. We went home and straight to bed. The next morning I managed to seduce him. Our sex quota for the week was met. I wish I had more energy. I am glad that we havenā€™t been seeing much of each other. It causes less friction in our relationship. Sunday, I went to Leaā€™s parentā€™s house for a birthday bbq. Sheā€™s finally turned 21. I wasnā€™t expecting such a religious household. I had wanted Marcus to come, but Iā€™m glad he didnā€™t. He would have probably felt uncomfortable. Within 10 minutes of my arriving, they broke out into prayer. Hmm.. yeah. Dinner was nice with cordial intercourse. I got to jump on the trampoline afterwards, but knocked myself silly playing crack the egg. Thereā€™s a nice shiner on my forehead now. I left after a couple of hours and went home to catch up on some Zā€™s. Today, Iā€™m tired, but itā€™s speed dating tonight. Should be fun. Iā€™m going for Melissa. She wants to meet a new man. More on this tomorrow.r=X¢I apologize for the drunken post. I was being selfish. Iā€™m going to try not to get angry and resign myself to being temporarily disappointed with a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I woke up today feeling groggier than usual. I hit the snooze bar a couple of times, a habit whenever Marcus spends the night. I like a little morning snuggle. Marcus did end up coming over to my place last night. I wonder if he came over because he wanted to see me or if he came because he has no bed at the moment. Soon, I plan to get my Illinois driverā€™s license. Iā€™m excited. I think itā€™s a disgrace that I have to pay personal property tax on my vehicle in MO. It was foolish of me not to have my car under my motherā€™s name. Studying is going well. If I continue at this rate, I will definitely be ready for my exam in June. Tomorrow is flash card day. With the looming date of application soon approaching, I have little time to think about distractions like relationships. I donā€™t mind that I havenā€™t being seeing as much of Marcus these last few weeks. I donā€™t mind that we havenā€™t been having sex either. In fact, Iā€™ve been having fewer breakouts since our sex has been minimized to a weekly event. Itā€™s probably because my sexual frustration has taken a hiatus. He hinted that he would want some tonight. I donā€™t think thatā€™s going to happen. Itā€™s unfair that I always give into him. Tonight, I plan to stay out late, but if we happen to have sex, then so be it. A while ago, he told me Iā€™d have difficulty finding someone better in bed than he. Funny. I remember thinking that he sucked when I first met him. He only got better after he realized he wanted to be with me. Now, heā€™s just mediocre. The difference between now and the first time is that I have more control over when I come. I hope to god that heā€™s not the best Iā€™ll ever have. Iā€™m really looking forward to the end of May. I canā€™t wait to see Ryan. Good music, thoughtful conversations and great people watching. Jimmieā€™s sister is going to culinary school there as well. He thinks I should meet up with her. Maybe it will be nice. Maybe I will get free food!r>XœMarcus is a fucking idiot. I wish I had a cig. I came home today from studying at about 10 p.m. He had called, but I left my cell at phone. As soon as I had seen his call, I returned it. He was at eleven with Mario. Mario the dumbass. It was his graduation party. Marcus wanted to know if I could join him at the restaurant, but I had to wake up at 6:30 the next morning. However, I was hopped up on caffeine and as soon as I had heard the voicemail he had left, I changed my mind. Itā€™s easy to convince me to go out. You only have to ask a couple of times. I called him back and asked him how long he was staying. He said not very long unless I came. I told him I thought I might stop by. When I got there he was on his cell, not such an uncommon thing for him, so I talked to some people that were already there. He got off his cell and continued whatever conversation he had had with other people around us. I didnā€™t bother to interrupt. I figured I came out of my way to see him, I wasnā€™t interested in going further. Besides, the conversations I had struck up were refreshing. Iā€™d never talked to Barry at length or his friend Karly. I like Karly. When it came time to leave, Mario had voiced his desire to go to 609. I wasnā€™t willing to sacrifice my Friday workday for Mario and declined the invitation. I looked to see what Marcus would do. He stayed behind with me. He thought I was going to 609. I told him I wasnā€™t, but I guess he wasnā€™t listening. I told him Iā€™d drop him off to his car instead (even though 609 is closer). I used the bathroom and then left after we hugged each other goodbye. I must have been short of hearing b/c he thought Iā€™d wait for him. Some minutes later, he called and asked why I left, and I told him I wanted to go home. I think heā€™s short of hearing like me. Iā€™m upset b/c heā€™s not really there for me. I told him I understood and knew that he feels like he needs to be there for Mario. Mario isnā€™t the only one that graduated. I did too. Iā€™m just not making a big deal out of it. Iā€™m not going to my graduation and Iā€™m not throwing myself a graduation party. If Marcus feels like Mario needs more attention then so be it. He earns marks from Mario, but loses marks from me. I told him I came out b/c I heard his voicemail. I told him itā€™s not too hard to convince me to go out. My friends do it all the time. They tell me Iā€™m a pushover. Marcus says he doesnā€™t want to beg. Well, I beg to differ. I donā€™t know how long he will last. He said he wouldnā€™t be staying long. Thatā€™s what he said earlier that night about eleven. I donā€™t mind being woken up in the middle of the night, but he knows that Iā€™ve been having trouble sleeping when he comes to my place late at night. It bugs me that heā€™s not picked up on that, but that might be expecting too much of him. I donā€™t like the progression in our relationship. It seems like now, he has all these obligations he has to keep with other people. It seems like all these people take precedence now. I donā€™t mind not seeing him. Iā€™d rather know that Iā€™m not seeing him than him saying that thereā€™s a chance he might come to see me then not show up. Thatā€™s highly irritating. I think Iā€™ll be spending a lot of my time studying. He said that he might come and see me after work today. Instead, he went to Marioā€™s graduation. Iā€™m ok with that. Then he said he might see me afterwards. I know Mario. I know heā€™s going to want to go out for drinks afterwards. I told Marcus that it was ok if he wanted to hang with Mario and that I would be ok with seeing him the day after. I hate that he says well, he doesnā€™t know whatā€™s going to happen. If he doesnā€™t know whatā€™s going to happen, then say that he canā€™t come over. I donā€™t like that heā€™ll see what he can do. So far, his track record has been poor and usually something comes up. I want him to say that he has to be there for Mario. I hate cell phones. I think itā€™s funny when he says that heā€™s empathic and that he can relate to people. I think maybe he can relate to the average person. I donā€™t think he can understand me. He says people say he has an old soul. These people must be limited in scope. Most people are. I think heā€™s full of himself. I miss feeling crazy in love with someone and having that feeling reciprocated. I miss Gav. I canā€™t wait till I take my exam.r?XE I get off work early today because of a doctorā€™s appointment. Although Iā€™m not looking forward to my yearly exam, I am excited about trying a new birth control pill. You might think this to be somewhat mundane, however I see this as being a potential quick fix to my pms dilemna. Since this is a new post, Iā€™d better elaborate on the above. I donā€™t always maintain a cool temperament to put it mildly. During that time of the month, I notice the tendency to be more controversial against my will. It makes me feel so evil and difficult because all the things I would normally let slide become hostile points of contention. Before dating Marcus, I would seclude myself until the temper had passed. However, dating a person puts you at constant exposure to them. Marcus has been victimized by this uncontrollable urge that overcomes me every so often. Iā€™m not sure how much he can take. Probably not much more. He and I have been dating since August of 2003. I hold our previous history as ā€œfriendsā€ against him, and it will be a lessoned learned (never get into a relationship with someone that has previously disrespected you no matter how pretty his words may sound). It points to someone that is heavily self-centered. Although thatā€™s not necessarily bad, I know I need more. Last night, he thought Iā€™d voiced excessive complaints. They were small little things like his not helping me with the dishes anymore, his eating our leftovers yet being unwilling to share his (I combined that with an apology because I didnā€™t know he had eaten ours when I asked to eat the leftovers he had from a previous dinner in the fridge; but I still donā€™t think that was cool), and the fact that I never liked that he cut peopleā€™s hair in my apartment, yet refuses to cut peopleā€™s hair at his new apartment because he wants to keep it clean. These are all trivial, but points that I happened to bring up throughout the evening. He makes it sound like itā€™s something that wouldnā€™t bother him were he in my shoes, but I noticed when he had roommates he would comment on little habits they had that slightly irked him. I donā€™t think heā€™ll last past December. I want to say I tried, so Iā€™ll do what I can to make my temper heed my will, but I wonder how much he or I can take. Iā€™ve come to the conclusion that I canā€™t change him, only he can change himself or we have to learn to acclimate ourselves to each other. Iā€™m just waiting to see if thatā€™s going to happen. The summer months are soon approaching. I hope Iā€™ll be ready to take my tests when the time comes.r@U‹I just started a new blog because I wanted a new design. The old design sucked and didn't give me a way of receiving messages. Testing...rAX9The problem probably started when I told Marcus Iā€™d also be applying to a school in Michigan and North Carolina. Heā€™s not fond of any of those states, and I offhandedly made the remark that we might have to break up if things didnā€™t work out. Now, heā€™s talking about leaving in December (May is my deadline). My position is similar to what yours was, but there is no question in my mind that Iā€™m leaving for school. Iā€™m also not thinking of him as being the one I want to marry, even though our kids would be so cute (he doesnā€™t think this talk is funny). The biggest plus is if we break up this way, weā€™ll still be friends. Iā€™m going to cry, or maybe just tear up a little. Marcus canā€™t take his work anymore and has a sure thing waiting for him in Minneapolis. The city has impressed him. However, I donā€™t want to leave without knowing which school Iā€™ll be attending. Iā€™ll also be able to save up much more money here. I donā€™t know if things are going to work out, but the possibilities are frustrating. I'm being selfish... I know.rBX This is the coolest game. You use American icons to defeat the Bush administration. Itā€™s a nice lesson in history as well. http://www.emogame.com/bushgame.html Last night with Marcus was weird. Yesterday with Marcus was weird. I think he might be reacting to me. Early yesterday morning, he called to say hi. I was slightly upset with him for his absence the previous night when he called me spoiled. It was inappropriate. I told him I was mad at him, and he said he knew. He probably thought I was upset because he didnā€™t spend the night. I would have liked him to have him spend the night, but all signals indicated that he wasnā€™t inclined. He said I was being spoiled for wanting him to come over. I spent the night at his place for most of last week. I donā€™t like that he has such difficulty reciprocating in kind. At least he apologized in his call for speaking out of place. Last night he told me that his salon is having a sale that ends today. He asked me to cut him a check for $17 to cover the cost of the shampoo. What an outrageous request! I donā€™t believe heā€™s short on funds, so why would he ask me to cover such a cost. Iā€™ve bought him gifts in the past even though the thought rarely strikes him to do so in kind, but here he comes and tells me that I need to give him a piddly $17 to cover the cost of hair products? I have letting go of an amount, but it would have been nice if he could just surprise me with something like that. After all, he has offered to many times to give me these things and instead he turns around and decides to charge me. What bugs me about him is that he doesnā€™t follow through. For instance, he tells me that he might come over and he doesnā€™t, or he tells me that he will buy me products and he doesnā€™t, or he tells me that he will do something for my graduation and he doesnā€™t. Iā€™ve noticed that heā€™s been awfully reluctant to pay for anything lately. As a matter of fact, I canā€™t recall the last time he paid for dinner. Even sex last night was off. He went to Taco del Mar right afterwards and ate in his car. He was gone long enough for me to fall asleep and wake back up. This morning, I didnā€™t spare too many words for him, made a shake without offering any to him and left without kissing him goodbye. I think I feel a cool draft coming in. However, I am open to the possibility that I opened the window. Iā€™m so glad that he is my first. The ease at which my mood shifts is unsettling. I would be reluctant to subject others to this.rCXį I plan on taking my exams sometime next month. The pending date is to be determined, but will probably be around the 19th. I figure taking the exam right after a weekend will offer me my best chances. The application process is grating on my nerves. After much perusal online, I've determined that I should send out my applications without my DAT scores. It turns out that they begin processing in June, so I figure I should write my personal mission statement in June and give it to my dentist for initial perusal. I'm visiting with her at her office for a couple of weekends. She's faculty at a dental school here in Missouri, and I think that she would probably be a great reference. With the submission of my application, I would probably be subject to initial rounds of interviews starting in September (hopefully). The interview process is extremely formal and probably would consist of a panel. Eek! When the time comes for this, I'm going to have to do a ton of research. I've been reading up on financial costs that I will most certainly accrue and have determined that UIC is definitely my first choice. However, they say that public schools have the most stringent admission guidelines. If such a case were to arise, I will most certainly look at the east coast. All this change makes me very nervous. I was thinking that I might take some classes after the fall term expired. It might behoove me to take some histology, biochemistry, cell biology, etc. One step at a time though, you know? I'm done reviewing my biology. I'm halfway done with Chemistry have made a good dent into my orgo. Maybe by the end of this week, I will be finished with Chemistry and almost done with Orgo? I want to leave July for intensive review and practice exams. The test is 4 hours long. There is a section devoted to the natural sciences (see above), perceptual aptitude (I'm good with puzzles!), quantitative reasoning, and reading comprehension. My weakest point is usually reading comprehension. I just hope that the first three far outshines the last bit. I didnā€™t see Marcus last night. The night before he came home late (between 12-1 a.m.). Iā€™m trying to focus on my studies. Part of me is jealous that heā€™s become so fond of his neighbor John. Well, at least John is better than Mario. Sooner or later, Marcus will miss me and will visit. I talked to him about school today and said that I planned on applying to North Carolina and Michigan. Marcus said that he didnā€™t know if he could move to those states. I told him that I guess when the time came we would break up if conditions werenā€™t suitable. I know that I would not move for him right now, so itā€™s unreasonable for me to assume that he would inversely reciprocate.rDXŌMy posts concerning Marcus havenā€™t always had a positive tone, but the truth of the matter is that they indicate uncertainty. On occasion he does small things that irritate me, and these actions prompt me to make a post. Itā€™s like the news. We usually only see/read/hear bad news; however, this doesnā€™t color the spectrum of news out there. Since he got his own place, weā€™ve been amicable. No arguments. I think we might last 3 months. Yay! I had my reservations concerning the longevity of this relationship but remain hopeful. I love that he hugs me when I sleep next to him. He probably thinks Iā€™m such a schizo. The new birth control pills do help in controlling my temper now. I think I was experiencing too many side effects ie. mood swings with the overdose of estrogen/progesterone. The test month is soon approaching. I remain distraught. Mom is still pissed but is now spending time with Adrian. Thinking about sending Dad some flowers.rEXcThe past weekend was uneventful as far as amusing endeavors are concerned. However, I do have a rant. Sunday, we went over to Marioā€™s pad for lunch. I really donā€™t like him, but Iā€™m being nice to him because heā€™s Marcusā€™ friend. Marcus knows of my feelings towards the bastard. When we interact, the feeling he gives me is one filled with misdirection. He reminds me of a girl with low self-esteem. These girls are dangerous at times because they think too much in treacherous ways. I could be more forgiving if he was ignorant of his actions, but heā€™s cognizant and likes to test people. He likes to boast of his skills of manipulation. Why would I want to associate with the likes of him? Itā€™s shady, and I want nothing of it. He will only mess with me later. Yesterday, he invited us over for lunch. Next time I will be sure to say no even though he does bring in the best seafood Iā€™ve ever had. It is beneath me to use someone for food, but temptation lures me to forget on occasion. Anyway, Marcus and I made some sushi rolls and met his friend Chris. Chris is a ghetto Asian flamer, the most amusing combination. We had a nice lunch, but Mario was upset when he learned that I wanted to leave afterwards and said that was untoward of me to leave after eating. He insisted we go to the pool with him. I was not favorable to taking a dip, but relented to accompanying him to the pool (pushy people irk me). Chris went in for one dip, but Mario was really the only one that frolicked in the water. He was not very considerate of the other poolside inhabitants and made a show of jumping in different positions and making a huge water bonanza. By their looks, they werenā€™t very appreciative. He then proceeded to talk a lot of shit about the foreigners by the pool even though he himself is one. The disparaging inane comments that spew out of his mouth are unsavory. He sounds so ignorant and low class. It makes me sick to think of my association with someone so crass, undignified and bigoted. Marcus makes the excuse that Mario is just European. His mannerisms reflect poorly on his country. Marcus has had limited exposure to Europeans. More than half of the people with whom Iā€™ve ever associated were from the old world, so I think Marcusā€™ exposure has been limited. Iā€™ve never met one that comes as close to being as uncouth as Mario. To me, Mario reminds me of a spoiled party kid. Their friendship bothers me. I know that he will have many friends like Mario. I donā€™t mind being acquainted with the likes of Mario, but my time is wasted when spent in his company. The other day, I mentioned how happy I would be to leave St. Louis a year from now. Marcus said he didnā€™t think he could even last a year. Iā€™d forgotten about keeping that bit to myself. My mind has been made up that my stay in St. Louis would run until my lease expires. The arguments to leave in December elude me and rest in the area of impracticality. Anyway, I wonā€™t know which school accepted me by December. It would be a moot point to randomly leave to an undetermined location. If he chooses to leave early, he will do so without me. He must realize that our relationship is dying. Geographic relocation always works to finalize things. Itā€™s exactly what I need to separate myself from him. Iā€™ve noticed that Iā€™ve changed around him. I donā€™t like it. Iā€™ll miss him if we arenā€™t together. I can see why people are drawn to him. I love Marcus, but knowing that someone like Gav could exist makes me optimistic that Iā€™ll find another, especially if I could have fallen for someone like Marcus. Age sure does creep up on a person. As the years go by, Iā€™m realizing the limitations it brings me. However, I can only hope that things will get better. Photo P spotted me in the loop later that day. Ugh. He had cupped his hands to say something unintelligible to me, and I ignored it. People usually make comments that I donā€™t understand as I walk by so disregarding people has become second nature. I asked Marcus what the man had said as we passed him. ā€œBoeing is calling youā€. At once I knew who it was. I was rolling my eyes on the inside, but realized how rude I must have seemed. I didnā€™t really care but was not looking forward to seeing him again. I knew that I would probably bump into him on the way back, but hoped his outdoor luncheon would have broken up long before my shopping trip ended. I really donā€™t like him. He was getting on his bike while when we returned. If he hadnā€™t called out my name, I would never have seen him. I made an excuse for my earlier rudeness and kept the conversation short. What a pain. I think I was meant to be a hermit. Is it so wrong that I donā€™t like knowing people? Most fill me with disappointments or disdain. I think tonight, Iā€™ll spend quality time with my Mishka and my studies.rFXÕLast night with Marcus was great. I wasnā€™t thoroughly productive, but I woke up this morning refreshed. I like that we live apart. Helps maintain my sanity and his and giving a sense of personal space, which is something I need. His place is looking swanky. He bought a white plastic table from IKEA and this cute yellow triangular rug. I like the rug and his placemats. The table is ok for now. His pad is comfortable. This is a piece of correspondence between Adrian and me. -----Original Message----- From: Adrian Sent: Monday, June 07, 2004 7:57 PM To: mondapop Subject: RE: here's my addy Grace, Yes, you can cancel your insurance. I will call the insurance office with the number tomorrow. You shouldn't apologize. You were being very sweet and tactful, a perfect daughter. Sunny is dealing with many problems right now and reacts differently than she normally would. (I think). Don't worry about the check until I get the bill and pay the premium. I will let you know. Thanks for your encouragement. I really enjoyed our conversation. Have a good week. Adrian >From: mondapop >To: Adrian >Subject: RE: here's my addy >Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 13:34:07 -0500 > >Good afternoon, > >Hope things went well over there after I left. She didn't seem to be in a better mood when I called later that evening. I apologize for the uncomfortable situation I catalyzed. Upon more thought, I think it would be more sane for me to keep my distance until she's cooled off considerably. My tolerance is dwarfed by your own. However, I did have a pleasant time talking with you. She has spoken many times of your patience and gentleness. I'm very happy that she has someone like you in her life. > >Should I call my insurance agent to cancel my coverage or wait till the end of the week? I forgot to leave you a blank check. When you've discovered the amount I owe, please advise. I like him. He thinks Iā€™m much nicer than I am. This image he has of me encourages to me to be a better person. I think this is a good lesson to keep in mind. Itā€™s always better to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. People react positively when dealt with in a positive manner. Heā€™s good at killing people with kindness.rGX¢&The weekend visit to my mom ended with the all too familiar drama that characterizes my family life. Friday, my mom was overjoyed to see me. We had our lines of communication mixed up and she thought I was going to arrive at a later time. While I waited for her to come home from the airport to pick up Adrian, I called my sister for a brief visit. I know now where she lives. Her condo was riddled with filth. Because I had just come from a 4 hour drive, the need to relieve myself was overbearing. She directed me to my brotherā€™s bathroom. It seemed to capture the odor reminiscent of his Purdue apartment. I couldnā€™t quite place the origin of this fragrant ā€œEww de Jayā€. He kept say that itā€™s really pronounced ā€œeauā€. Torstoy looked a mess. He is in desperate need of a haircut and bath. His nails are longer than any dragonlady Iā€™ve ever seen featured in a magazine. Gross! Lucy seemed fairly active and happy, but both dogs were chubby. Poor babies. I took a peek into my brotherā€™s bedroom. There is excrement indiscriminately scattered around his bed. I made the recommendation that he set up his bed in the living room. The dogs are barred from that area. He stated that he felt it was dirtier. The whiteness of the carpet must have given him that impression. Gross! I couldnā€™t stay long because I had to meet up with my mom and Adrian for dinner. We ended up having sushi. We chatted for a bit and my mom lamented on the state of my brother and sister. She wants my brother to consider graduate school but is outraged at the notion that she would have to pay for it all. The lack of a summer income for my sister causes her some amount of restlessness as well. She wanted me to talk to both of them. I told her it wasnā€™t my place and asked her what she thought could come of it. She sighed and left the conversation for a later time that night. After my mother had taken some sleeping pills, she came and talked to me for a bit. She went on and on about how depressed the looming insurance fraud investigation made her feel. She was apparently immobilized for two weeks over this matter (I can just imagine her lying in a fetal position in front of her plasma tv display). Even worse was the lack of communications between my siblings and her. She complained that they never called her anymore. Then she stated that she wanted to go far, far away. I vocalized my objection to this idea and told her she shouldnā€™t just disappear with no way of anyone to contact her. She acquiesced and said that she would tell me of her general info. Melodrama. She said that she washes her hands of the matter, but begged me to speak with them. Saturday, we went and fixed up my car and grabbed some breakfast. Then we made a quick stop to Walmart and Petsmart (I offered to buy my sisterā€™s dogfood). I hadnā€™t planned on spending a significant amount of time with my brother and sister but was dissuaded by my mom. They had no plans on leaving their virtual game and hang out or go to the movies, so I felt like I would be wasting my time. However, the dialogue there ended up being beneficial. My brother might hate me. Iā€™m not sure. Sometimes he can be tricky, but I devoutly believe that deep down, he has a heart of gold. My sister only resents me. I can work with that. Surprisingly, they were both nice and even somewhat conversational. They paint quite a different picture than the one my mother tells. My brother tells me he didnā€™t really want to go to graduate school, but that my mother wouldnā€™t stop haranguing him about it, so he decided to goad her with financial obligations. Heā€™s not opposed to going to graduate school because that would be 4 years of sitting on his ass all over again, but this is not something he demanded as a personal goal. He has his sights on being an FDA inspector. Low pay, but excellent benefits. Living expenses are pretty much accounted for as well. What a great deal, eh? My mom told me she wants my sister to have a job, any kind of job, even one at a fast food chain. I told my mom disdainfully that even I would never consider such an option. I related the same to my sister. She tells me that my mom doesnā€™t pay for anything but tuition anyway, so whereā€™s the pressing need? Indeed! After conversing with them, I have no idea what my mom has up her ass. They seem like theyā€™re doing fine and dandy, except for the resentment they have towards the maternal figure. It seems they donā€™t call her anymore because she has neverending litany of complaints. I could see that. I donā€™t like calling her because sheā€™s always complaining about my sister and brother or somehow I end up getting in trouble for some contrived error Iā€™ve unwittingly committed. After 3-4 hours of watching them play their video games/talking to them, I headed back over to my momā€™s. She and Adrian were watching TV on her bed. I sat by her side and recounted my visit. Basically, I told her that they seemed to be getting along fine and that I didn't think my intervention was necessary. I told her that I thought they would do quite well in their respective futures. She was not pleased with this info. Somehow the discussion got on a tangent about how could I think that video games were ok and how I never had the patience for such a thing when we were living together and that theyā€™ve given her so much heartache, etc. When the heartache word spewed out of her mouth, I took that as my cue to leave the room. I went to the bathroom to get ready for dinner and wipe my eyes. I too have resentment, and it comes out when she audaciously laments on the wrongs people (namely her kids) have committed against her. I suspect birth control makes me emotionally unstable at times. This is evident in the times when my ability to stop the flood of tears and color that rushes to my face are somewhat compromised. I never thought Iā€™d be this way. Damn the hormones. It pisses me off that she would dare speak of heartache. I firmly believe that she is no position to make such a complaint within my hearing. We went to dinner, but she was as cold as ever. She even tried to pick an argument with me by condemning my passing belief that Peterson was guilty. On occasion she forgot herself and laughed, but that was rare. She abstained from eating and for the most part from dialogue. The prim manner in which she tightened her lips and the scornful scrutiny with which she directed at me really pissed me off. I managed to maintain my composure. That night, I took a long bath. Two sleeping pills later, my mom came to pay me a hazy visit. How tasteless. She managed to retain her aforementioned demeanor as well. We got into a tortuously time-consuming argument. She mentioned something I had said earlier that probably hurt her. Some years ago, I told her that the saying that with absence, the heart grows fonder and that our relationship was more stable with infrequent visits. This is the truth. I miss her and love her, but she is poison to me. I can never give her what she desires. In anger, she will throw this back at me, but add in that she would like to make the absences very long. I told her I rarely see her as it is and berated her for her childish words. I told her I spoke the words out of honesty, but that her motives for speaking the words were out of anger and with the motive to hurt. I could not condone such a thing, but if she were adamantly possessed by the notion, that I could not stop her. I asked her what her motive was in telling me such a thing and that it seemed if she had made up her mind, that she should not tell me and just to do it; otherwise her motives are obviously maligned. She started going on tangents again and started speaking of my father. I donā€™t even know how he came up and asked her. She said that he doesnā€™t have to hear from us and that we should complain to him and ask him for stuff. I asked her when was the last time I asked anything of her or complained to her. She envies our relationship with him. It is nonexistent. I told her if she behaved towards us the way he does that she would have no problem cultivating a relationship with us similar to the one we have with him. She said he was a smart man. She is a stupid woman. I told her she should be happy her kids are as stable as they are relatively speaking to their past. I have no patience for her crap. She left after a lot more exchange, and I spent the rest of the night watching anime. I love the cartoon network. Sunday, Adrian asked if I would be interested in joining him for breakfast. But of course! I can never turn down food. We had an interesting discussion. She hasnā€™t changed at all (itā€™s a good thing that I live far away from her). She still cries for attention and help. I cannot be of service. We cannot be of service. I believe sheā€™s done a great job of burning us all. He tells me that she speaks of taking her life or disappearing or never wanting to have been born. You can never be sure if sheā€™s speaking in a figurative sense, but the meaning is the same. It is to find a conduit of escape from her present situation. I wonā€™t tell my sister and brother about this, but I find it troubling nonetheless. They would only have more ammunition to throw at her. The temptation is great, but I would like Adrian to have a better chance at making a relationship with my mother stick. Sheā€™s a sorry case, but she will not hurt me again. I would be happier for her when she finds peace. I was surprised to find that she still speaks to Joe. Interesting. Sunday, I got home early but spent the rest of the evening putting things away and lifting some weights. My arms are sore today. Work is ok. Iā€™m renderingā€¦rHX4Work is boring again. However, Iā€™m reassured in that I am not the only restless employee here. Rumor is that budget for exhibits has been compromised because of this VIP initiative. Itā€™s nice to put a cause to the monotonous days. Recap from the past weekend. San Francisco was great! It was great seeing Ryan. He was as sweet as ever and reminded me of all the reasons why I like him and get annoyed by him. I did arrive sick and left in physically compromised, but it was worth it. Friday night, I arrived fairly late. We grabbed a late dinner and spent the rest of the night glued to the tube. It was nice to have a bed to collapse on. Considerate Ryan even washed the sheets and scrubbed the bathroom floors for me! Awww. Friday was spent on Haight-Ashbury. We got a lot of shopping accomplished. To my credit, I spent less than $100. We did a big club thing that night. I wasnā€™t impressed; it was way packed. Saturday, same thing. However, we ended up going to some kind of multimedia/dance party. Interesting bash. It had a lot of hippies. I danced my ass off on both nights to breaks, dub, house, and a little goa. I didnā€™t spy me any good dancers, but I did spot someone that looked like Micah. On Sunday, I met Christine. Sheā€™s nice and perfect for Ryan. She brings out a part of Ryan I thought heā€™d grown out of. Iā€™m glad I was just visiting. Iā€™d forgotten how sensitive the boy can be. To sum up the trip. If I moved to san fran, I would not live with Ryan. Bryce was nice, but I couldnā€™t live with him either. I had a nice visit and am good for a couple of years. Yay! Marcus caught my cold. He likes it when I take care of him. I like feeling needed, but I think I should stop spending time with him when I get back. I really need to focus on my studies. Iā€™m going to visit my mom. Sheā€™s got too many issues. I had a talk to her yesterday and she was commenting on how there was a dental school close to d.c. I knew that and told her that I had mentioned applying. Sheā€™d apparently forgotten. I told her Iā€™d be able to spend more time with her if I went to school there. She coyly asked if I would want that (I find coyness highly irritating). Of course I would (but probably not in large doses). Iā€™m glad to be visiting with her this weekend and brought loads of laundry and some books to study. She enjoys knowing that I study. This is good. It gives her less of a chance to start up a line of conversation that could potentially lead into an argument. Recently, this anonymous blog came to my attention. The author claims to be some Hollywood A-lister. I was reading though the comments and some guy goes off and says just remember where you came or donā€™t forget yourself or something. Sometimes that comment bugs me. Although I do see the good intent behind that bit of advice, I think itā€™s awfully presumptuous to make such a comment. The problem with that comment is that where you are now, is probably who you are or at least a facet of who you are and that you have no idea of knowing that what you were and what you are is right or wrong. When one acquires fame or wealth, whoā€™s to say that the person they become isnā€™t the person they were meant to be? The person they grew to be? Whoā€™s to say that they hadnā€™t acquired wisdom in their endeavors and unfortunately turned jaded and corrupt? Whoā€™s to say that this corruption is so terribly wrong? It nettles me when strangers have the gall to dictate the direction of oneā€™s personal growth. Anyway, the blogā€™s author sounded mature and level-headed.rIX· Things have been going to well between Marcus and me, but the relationship between the salon and Marcus has been deteriorating rapidly. Over the last couple of months, I have been sensing a steadily increasing intolerance for the politics involved. Itā€™s given me some reason for concern. Marcus has been staying here for me and to save up money for a move elsewhere. Recently, he went to the North American Hair Stylist Awards. He came back inspired and even wrote a page on his appreciation for the artistry in the nature that surrounds us. He had mentioned meeting Aveda people at this show and that they knew of many openings in salons on the west coast. He must have left a strong impression with them, because a job offer got thrown his way. I would be in tears for awhile if he left, but I know this is something he probably needs to pursue. It makes me sad. Last night I had a dream about Gav. His name on the caller ID was Gavin Nihease (I canā€™t be positive about the spelling). He called me right after I decided not to call him. In my dream, he was married or engaged, but occasionally thought of me. I missed him so much in my dream. Somehow, he happened to teleport through the cell phone into the room I was in. He looked so different. Physically, he had aged much and had a mildly bitter demeanor, but when he looked at me, there was still something in his eyes that held mine. Somehow his significant other popped in through the lines as well. She knew who I was, but that was about it. In retrospect, she wasnā€™t anything like I had imagined. This girl was white with blonde highlights. She still had a bit of her youthful exuberance probably perpetuated by this free spirited hippy evident in her personality. I liked her. My dream was spent hanging out with her. Some drama came up, but I canā€™t recall it. The thing I remember the most was that I wanted someone like her to be happy and that obviously Gav made her that way. In my dream, I decided to leave things alone and send them back to their own place (there was a problem with how this was going to perspire, but details, details). I woke up to a gloomy sky. I will probably always thing about Gav because he was a great read, but heā€™s long gone. Itā€™s futile to think of what could have been. Iā€™m trying to convince myself that I will be fine without Marcus as well. Itā€™s hard, but I canā€™t stop the inevitable. He was the best first I could have asked for.rJXqItā€™s incredulous that I used feel apathetic towards the Cure. Any fan must be a romantic at heart. Lyrics arenā€™t my thing, but you canā€™t help but catch a few. His voices bleeds with sorrow and pain. Damn. On another note, I had the most troubling dream last night. I was looking for something with a friend of mine. Weā€™d been drinking gin and tonics and smoking some cloves. He opened the patio door. The deck led out onto a grassy knoll. The house was a mansion and there was a party going on, but we were hanging out at a sparsely populated section of the house. We decided to venture out into the yard, and we did the nasty. The next morning, I lost all recollection of this event, but my friend looked at me oddly. He tried to give me a comforting pat and said that we were still friends. I remember continuing my quest for whatever it was I was looking for, but everywhere I went, people were snickering or giving me these odd looks. His ex girlfriend (but in my dream they were still together) coldly ignored me. Her friend informed me of the enormous resentment she held for me. I couldnā€™t understand it. Finally, I went to see my friend Leo. He told me that I was a naughty girl and that he didnā€™t know I had it in me. Shocking! He said everyone had been talking. I denied any knowledge, but tried to dig through the files of my memory to get a better idea. All the sudden it came to me in flashes all that had gone down on the lawn. Evidently, I put on quite a show. I was mortified. I knew Marcus would be so angry with me. I couldnā€™t believe that the second guy I slept with would be this friend. Lucky me it was just a dream. I think I had this dream b/c I lied to Marcus. A little lie that I forgot about until I gave it more thought. I had a drag of a cig on Friday night. It was a little one, but I was drunk when I smoked it. The next day he asked me if I smoked, and I said no of course not. However, a couple of minutes later when I went to take my shower, I was going through the previous nights events, and I remember some guy gave me a drag. Oopsā€¦ Iā€™m going to L.A. this Friday. YayrKTTMaybe one day all of this will have meaning. For now, it all exists as half-doodles in my little black Canson sketchbook, a few back stories as .txt files on my laptop, and a bit of daydreaming during those long train rides. I have always had the desire to make my own comic book, and such a desire has manifested itself in many forms throughout the years. (Some of you will remember, while the rest of you may have no idea.) It is my hope to take a Tolkien-esque stance with my stories, for I don't have the confidence in myself yet to be as bold and direct as C.S. Lewis in his stories. (Hmm?)rLh°h°U!Quicksilver, Shadow, Tristaanian.rMURhob, Pash, and Arialyn.rNTX Well, I've posted some preliminary images ... I guess I should say something in more detail. I figure a good place to start is general geography - a non-specific lay of the land. Cities and landmarks have yet to be set down with any real detail, so here's just a few notes on climate and scenery and so on and so forth. The explored (thus known) part of the world consists of a grouping of semi-isolated "islands" of various size, ranging from simple outcroppings of dry rock to stretches of terrain large enough to be considered a decent-sized state or a very small country. I call these rocky places islands for lack of a better name ... they are all, in reality, very high plateaus of rock surrounded not by a sea of water, but by a sea of thick, strangely fluid, and somewhat magical mist. While the mist is not harmful in itself, it is a severe impairment to vision, cannot be traveled over by normal means, etc. and seems to be a permanent cloudy covering over whatever lies below the plateaus. The air is thin and dry. Water is available, but not abundant. Only hardy trees, plants, and crops grow on the surface; growing in enough variety to be interesting and nutritional. Animals tend to be small, with the largest predators in the food chain being aviary (large birds, drakes, etc.). Rivers and lakes and streams exist on the larger plateaus, and sometimes rush over the edges and fall into the mist with very little sound. Below the misty barrier is mostly unexplored. Those who have traveled down into the clingy fog have usually not lived to come back. Barely below the surface of the mist a variety of scraggly, tough trees jut out of the vertical rock faces, eeking out an existence in the high elevations. Further down into the mist grows an entire jungle. How far below is unknown. Only occasionally has the mist parted in places to reveal a brilliant, alien green-ness that simply shouldn't be growing underneath such a thick, blinding covering. Under the mist is warm and damp, nearly suffocating with humidity to those so used to the arid plateaus. Mist/jungle flora and fauna are barely documented, and the exact depth until the surface of the world itself has yet to be discovered ... or at least reported. It is likely that large predators live in the jungle, and there are old stories of dragons surfacing from the mist in days long-past. There is only one known intelligent race to live in the jungles, and these mysterious humanoids are viewed with quite a bit of fearful superstition among the supposedly more "civilized" plateau-dwellers. Whether or not they are demons or otherwise is currently unknown, since there is no shared language and encounters are few and far-between. Above the mists, in a similar fashion to our own planet [with changes depending on latitude] there are definite seasons, with winter being noteworthy for its dry, bitter cold and summer being marked by rain that tends to blur the boundaries between rock and mist. There's one sun and probably a few moons (two or three; I haven't decided yet). The mist was not always around. That much I have decided. How'd it get there? Hmm ... Stay tuned!rOT2The Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries At lunch today, the conversation turned to an analysis of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as a reflection of 70s-era morality combined with the hallucinogenic drug subculture: "You could see how people would want to get high and watch it over and over again." "But its so oppressively P.C., complete with class-based struggles and tired morality lessons" me: "I like a movie in which the central premise is based on chocolate." This movie was also responsible for a large percentage of my childhood nightmares: "Theres no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going. Theres no knowing where we're rowing, or which way the rivers flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a blowing? Not a spec of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. By the fires of hell a glowing. Is the grizly reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing! And they're certainly not showing ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!" Now I'm 24 and it sounds like a comment on life. Even scarier...rPU³Small Stuff him: how was your evening? me: okay him: just okay? me: i had strawberries and cheesecake for dinner. him: oh. that's nice. me: i guess it was more than okay.rQT¦I'd rather be in palo alto... Why are there always abandoned cars on the side of the highway? I imagine these people, in the middle of their morning commute, deciding that they don't like where they're going. They slam on the brakes (inciting rage in at least four other highway drivers), pull their cars into the emergency lane (surely this qualifies) and calmly exit their vehicles. They look around for a moment and then head off into a different direction, perhaps someplace sunny... or someplace with grapevines. Today a friend of mine told me that those cars are probably stolen, stripped, and carelessly dumped by criminal elements. I don't like his story as much.rRT{Thunder and Jazz All this morning I've been humming Nina Simone - the sensuous honey of melancholy veined smoky with lust. I haven't thought of her in a while. She only shows up after nights of turmoil, when disorder fits right in with dinner and desire and the lonely morning light. Hers is a voice that can set things right, not by cheering up but by empathizing. Is it true that all we want is for someone to feel what we feel? Seems much too simple and unbearably difficult. This is one of those days when nothing gets done. A thunderstorm is piling up in the sky, so everything at work is dim... dimness interrupted by the criminal offense of fluorescent lighting. I hope the storm holds off for a few more hours. I like the electric feeling in the air. The whole city is holding its breath. All the 9-to-5ers are just waiting to bemoan the flooding and the traffic and the general inconvenience of it all. I like the edge-of-the-seatness that precedes a good storm. The suspense is almost agonizing. I hope it lasts. Nonetheless, it promises to be a good spectacle. Something to rescue this otherwise non-descript grayness.rSU„I need convincing... i am still optimistic optimistic i still am still optimistic i am optimistic i am still am i still optimisticrTU×Things to be happy about: The giddiness of a friend Honey soy lattes Healing a dying plant (no comment on my involvement in said dying) Lazy days Summer thunderstorms A boy that makes me laugh and swoon every dayrUTOn Photography A hundredth of a second here, a hundredth of a second there -- even if you put them end to end, they still only add up to one, two, perhaps three seconds, snatched from eternity. -- Robert Doisneau Rest in peace, HCB. Here's to a life uncommon.rVT‡Ok, so, i used to have a weblog at xanga.com, with all my friends as well. and it just got to the point that...i couldn't anymore. i was so tired of not being able to be open (my friends and i are close-knit, but i have a thingee i keep from them and it's just getting bigger, yeah, more on that later) and it hurt me, 'cause i knew how easy it would be to just say, 'hey!' but i can't! oh man, i'm silly, and secretive, and bashful. anyway, the huge secret? not that big: i don't have cancer, know the formula for cold fusion, have a secret life as a prostitute, my parents aren't getting divorced...it's not anything that big. *heaves a huge sigh* ok, this is tough to say in the open. i have a crush on one of my friends, who read my site, kyle. a HUGE crush, a crush that makes it hard to breathe, and lives up to the name *crush*! ok, enough for today? you're probably bored. :) later, i'm out.rWT'today is at least a year, if not two, since my last post. in that meantime, i've had three other xanga sites, multiple mini crushes, one devastating one, and more other random things that i can possibly say. i am apart from my friends once again. perhaps by choice this time, i learned this year that between those i hold dearest and myself is a completely different value system. i can't expect to change people, to make friends conform to what i hold important. i have to change. one year. one year more. one year more and no more. no more. no more.rXTĆa friday all alone! this weekend means i have the house to myself. may i just share, however, that this weekend is in no way mine. the act's own my fucking ass saturday morning and my job has 'property of misty's' stmaped on it friday and saturday night. after work saturday, people are coming over to drink, cause that's the cool thing to do in high school, don't you know. sigh. *pinches bridge of nose in exasperation* i have such a hard life. ;-)rYT¤"Mike! Show me your balls!"- Josh.....but then again, hasnt everyone said that at one point or another? "My boobs are too big for my bra to handle"- bet you thought i said that....nope! It was our own Miss Hillary! "Show me your tits now, BITCH!" - even i busted up at that one......that would be from the mouth of Joe "Why dont you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself!" - Jason let this wonder fly!rZTP(17:37:36) MissStressed says to Lawmanis1: *throws a runt at you* (17:37:51) Lawmanis1 says to MissStressed: stealin my words! (17:38:04) MissStressed says to Lawmanis1: he he...so! its my candy! (17:38:43) Lawmanis1 says to MissStressed: i'm copyrighting it! (17:38:59) MissStressed says to Lawmanis1: thats going on the quote pager[U„"Ok....we've been in the car less then 20 mins, and you have managed to say Crotch 5 times." Hillary said that to our lil miss jenn!r\TSee what happens when i get bored? (11:48:42) missShorty : soooo...your place or mine? i know..lets flip for it....Head at mine....Tail at yours..... (11:49:31) missShorty : whats the name of your perfume? "catch of the day?" (11:50:16) missShorty : If you were a tear in my eye...i would not cry for fear of losing you (11:50:26) EvilAppetite : it's called Come to Me..does it smell like Come to you? (11:50:51) missShorty : *L* thats a good one.... (11:51:47) missShorty : This is your lucky day...i just happen to be single (11:53:50) missShorty : Do you have a name, or can i call you mine? (11:54:58) missShorty : *LMAO* girl your so fine, i wish i could plant you and grow a whole field of you (11:56:01) missShorty : baby..your so sweet, you put hersheys out of businessr]T4So this funny thing happend when we (Me, Erik, Jason, and Hillary) went to Chi Chi's.......... "OMG!! My ice cream is FROZEN!!!" ummmmm dont remember who said that one.... "Oh spoon, I wish you had something good on it"*LMAO* that was either me or jason...we were waiting for our oh so yummy S'mor icecream.r^T>So i heard this song on the radio last night driving home from work. Its been awhile since i heard it, so i really listened to it. Man......is this line supposed to make us want him or something? Cause honestly...when im thinking sex...i sure the hell dont want my mother involved.....*L* Joe-All the Things Your Manr_U.Well I saw you with your hands above your headr`USo much for my happy endingraT¤ Girl, understand why See it's burning me to hold onto this I know this is something I gotta do But that don't mean I want to What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I justI feel like this is coming to an end And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you I gotta let it burn It's gonna burn for me to say this But it's comin from my heart It's been a long time coming But we done been fell apart Really wanna work this out But I don't think ya gonna change ya I do but you don't Think it's best we go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay in this relationship When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with I think that you should let it burn [Chorus] When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might bruise you Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over You know that it was through Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burn [Verse 2] Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to Got somebody here but I want you Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself Callin' her your name Ladies tell me do you understand? Now all my fellas do you feel my pain? It's the way I feel I know I made a mistake Now it's too lateI know she ain't comin back What I gotta do now To get my shorty back Ooo ooo ooo ooooh Man I don't know what I'm gonna do Without my booo You've been gone for too long It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn) [Chorus] your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might bruise you Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn) Let it burn (gotta let it burn) Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over you know that it was through Let it burn Let it burnGotta let it burn [Bridge] I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh) I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah) [Breakdown] Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooohOoh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?) Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh So many days, so many hours I'm still burnin' till you return [Chorus]When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might bruise you Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over You know that it was through Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burnrbTžI wanted to know, I love the way you laugh I want to hold you high, and steal your pain away I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well I want to hold you high, and steal your pain. 'Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away. You gotta win, you don't feel me anymore. The worst is over now, and we can breathe again I wanna hold you high, and steal my pain away There is so much left to learn, and no one left to fight I wanna hold you high, and steal your pain. 'Coz Im broken, when I'm open And I feel like that I'm strong enough 'Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away. 'Coz I'm broken, when I'm open And I don't feel like that I'm strong enough 'Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away. 'Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away.' Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone. You gotta win, you don't feel me anymore.rcTųOn a Monday, I am waitingTuesday, I am fading And by Wednesday, I can't sleep Then the phone rings, I hear you And the darkness is a clear view Cuz you've come to rescue meFall... With you, I fall so fastI can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts [Chorus:]OhhhhhIt seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels OhhhhhIt's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me I am moody, messyI get restless, and it's senseless How you never seem to careWhen I'm angry, you listen Make me happy it's a mission And you won't stop til I'm there Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast Well, I hit that bottom Crash, you're all I have [Chorus:]OhhhhhIt seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels OhhhhhIt's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me How do you know everything I'm about to say? Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face... I hope it never goes away... yeah On a Monday, I am waiting And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...So I can breathe [Chorus:]OhhhhhIt seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels. Ohhhhh. It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell. Ohhhhh. I love how you can tell OhhhhhI love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...rdT“So I thought the tennis thing in the title was just a vaguely clever fluorish at first but, as it turns out, it relates to real-life happenings: I am going to the urlLink US OPEN !! Two nights, even!! Early round action in nosebleed seats has never sounded so appealing. I decided today that I want to buy a digital camera. I think. The whole digital thing kind of freaks me out. This could lead to pretentious rambling about the nature of analog "aura" and the materiality of film photography, but it won't for now. Really, the accessories you have to buy just seem so plentiful. Maybe that's just because I only looked at the Circuit City website, and they are sort of in the business of selling accessories people don't really need. Like digital cameras, for example. My shitastic snapshot camera should be fine for my travel needs, and does not require hard disk storage or the purchase of expensive memory cards. The idea of dragging my laptop along on the plane to far far away is not all that appealing either. I guess it's understandable why I feel really old sometimes. Being able to take pictures whenever I wanted to would be most stellar, though. Imagine all of the Kodak moments I've been missing thusfar. I could take pictures at the US Open even. And a new urlLink Friendster picture or five. I am also coping with IPod lust as well. I find I deal with my digital desire much in the same way as I deal with my ex-boyfriends: by alternating rationalization with ridicule. It's ok to spend $275 on a portable music device because I ride the subway a lot. Really. I do. But people who spend $275 on a little thing the size of a matchbox when they could have a non-skip portable CD played for a fraction of the price are stupid and probably have a trust fund. Fucking IPod rich kids. (See what I mean??) I should leave my apartment now as it's nearing six o'clock. It's also urlLink beautiful outside . Oh the christ, I'm talking about the weather...reT‚ Venture into blogging part two. I think being alone in my apartment with an old repairman and a variety of potentially-toxic, spackling-related fumes may have gone to my head and caused me to voyage back into the world of online journalling. I don't even keep a regular journal, so this blog will probably be just as tastefully sparse as urlLink my last one . Also check out the new website for my band, urlLink always/already . Drummer Emily B. made it. She's certified awesome and also makes wonderful vegan chocolate cake. Okay, so what else? I just got back from visiting my hometown of St. Louis Park, Minnesota for a few weeks. Good times! Minnesota is really awesome and I miss it a great deal of the time. The air is so clean, the movies are so cheap, and, yes, the people are so nice (albeit at times in vicious passive aggression). It is also home to the best fucking ice hockey team in the world: the Minnesota Golden Gophers. Rah rah rah for Sky-U-Mah! I am an utter hockey dork ( urlLink Miracle is my new favorite movie. (Disney also owns a big chunk of the Twin Cities radio dial.)). urlLink Target was born in Minnesota in the 1960s. The urlLink rock'n'roll music/bar scene is clouded by American Spirit cigarette smoke and peppered with ubiquitous regulars. It's wicked. urlLink Literally wicked : recklessly aloof, rapidly aging bespectacled boys in bands and gaudily over-themed indie-rock mean girls chatter endlessly behind the backs of others. The whole enterprise is framed by a sprinkling of spray-tanned sorority girls and their frat boyfriends who have recently taken up salsa dancing. The drama is high, and the overhead is low ( urlLink drinks are cheap and there's no sales tax on clothing or shoes). Rarely a dull moment. I miss it already. In a mere 23 days I will be flying to Berlin for two months to be urlLink intensively schooled in German. I am going to be living on Torstrasse in Berlin-Mitte. I have no idea what that means. At any rate, I aspire to be the best Eurotrash I can be while I'm there. More on this, I'm sure, later. I guess for now it's back to entertaining myself in my room while I wait for the repairs in my bathroom to be finished. urlLink The heat is less sweltering today , which is a start. Unfortunately I don't think I'll be sitting on the Promenade of Rockefeller Center in drive-in themed style tonight. I'll probably just watch some tv and fold socks.rfTrI'm having a blast shopping for all the new toys and furnishings for My Asian Themed Facility and Chambers. Plans include building out various chambers, including an Elegant Goddess Bedroom, Suspension Bondage Temple, Medical Room, School Room, and Torture Room with articulating St. Anne's Cross, spanking bench, bondage table, stocks, suspension net, sling swing, and bondage chairs. We will also have a total sensory deprivation chamber! WOO HOO!!! This is going to be HOT!!! To help, folks need to be sure and visit urlLink http://www.dominademanda.com/news.htm to contribute to your Goddess building this for all of us!rgT³Plans are all seet for the House of Shaman Hot August Delights weekend gathering in late August. It will be wonderful to see all our extended lifestyle family again and PLAY! I also look forward to meeting those that are looking to be considered for personal service to Myself and/or the Household.In the meantime, we secure the lease later today for the new facilities. I've been packing up all the goodies to build out a lavish Asian-Themed Fantasy Chamber in the main room and something more Polynesian-Themed in the front reception area. The articulating cross and suspension temple will definitely be moved there, as well as several bondage tables, spanking benches, and cages. I've found a carpenter to build out a large costume/fashion wardrobe/costume armoir for the area next to the lavatory and a full-on makeup station will be easy to add. So much potential and so much more can fit into this facility. What's a Goddess to do but SHOP!rhTRSix weeks with family and children visiting for the summer is drawing to a close. Although I will dearly miss everyone after they leave, I will look forward to catching up on all the phone and email messages, as well as messages here :)So many things to review and consider, and, hopefully, some wonderful interviews to schedule soon.House of Shaman's 2-day lifestyle gathering is coming up in late August... sooner than I'm ready I fear! Now, how many submissives service trainees, slaves, and pets will it take to clean, prep, cook, and serve for 30, as well as get the gardens trimmed back and presentable? Hmmmm... I'm thinking 5-6, which will work for 2 days prior to the event weekend and then provide ample coverage for Our guests during the gathering. PLUS... 5-6 in service, will be even more eye candy and playtoys (boy/girl/trans) for Me!riTI'm so excited today, I could boink a slave silly! I've just found EXACTLY what I have been searching for... A place to house our lavish and classy Asian Themed Facilities. It is a wonderful, safe, secure 1200 square foot location in South Florida, all under AC and where I will do My Live Appointsments. We will also do our fetish photography and videos, in addition to web content production, web design/hosting, and classes for lifestyle counseling, lifestyle grooming, and lifestyle fashions. WOOT! I can have a place to offer My airbrush sun tanning, as well as colour, aura, light, and tarot readings and healings, too! I'm soooooo excited... now all I need to do is get the funds together for the first 3 - 6 months rent. Hopefully, everyone will pool together to help!rjTżI have now officially separated My Lifestyle FemDomme personal lifestyle, family, and household with Master Shaman from My ProDomme activities and commercial ventures. I am also hosting Mistress Intrigue's website now and hope to offer this service to other quality FemDommes, ProDommes, and Lifestyle Mistresses. Finally, we are also going to start more marketing efforts for Fetish Fires Fotography. We are hoping all our friends and lifestyle family will review these websites and give us their input and suggestions, as well as referrals! urlLink www.DominaDeManda.com - Sadistic Goddess and Exotically Elegant FemDomme (ProDomme website) urlLink www.FetishFires.com - Fetish Photo and Video Services urlLink www.DoMyBidding.com - Domina's personal website and a portal to urlLink Domina DeManda's and urlLink Mistress Intrigue's ProDomme websites urlLink www.HouseOfShaman.com - Master Shaman's Personal Lifestyle Household website Now, if I can get My blogs to work as well as CollerMe's journal!rkUšYes... that's right... blogging My thoughts... ideas... experiences... Such a challenge. Wondering if I can be as disciplined with Myself as with My pets?rlTWhat an unbelievable whirlwind week! So much going on and so many wonderful happenings... Two new submissive service trainees, who both have tremendous potential, will be under a consideration term with Me for 30 days... New furnishings, toys, decor, and equipment all selected and/or ordered for new facilities... AND, I get to go hot, sexy, exotic, erotic, clothes shopping tomorrow! Oh... Life can be very good and oh-so-delicious! The only drawback is that we are on "hold" and waiting for the landlord to make a final decision on leasing us the facility. Come to find out they may have to use it to expand their family business... This would normally be a HUGE disappointment for Me... However, I'm confident that if not this place, there will be another perfect place just around the corner ;) I most certainly am looking forward to the weekend lifestyle gathering at House of Shaman at the end of the month... Good food, great people, wonderful discussions, and sinfully hot playthings! WOOT! I am a blessed Goddess, no question!rmTįOuch! I detest Mondays... Again, still up at 3:15am Eastern catching up on email. Doesn't anyone use the phone anymore? LOL! Ahhh... well I did. I got 7 calls out to prospective submissives who want to train. Did the intitial screening interviews and I'm please that 5 out of 7 passed and will move to the next step in the process :) I am a bit disappointed with the current stats and numbers of actual (versus lip service) donations toward the move in costs on the new facilities. The good news is, those in training have been wonderful and not only have pinched pennies to help out, but are also volunteering their time and "muscle" when we are ready to clean, move, and decorate. Still, My disappointment in the cash contributions does not outweigh My determination nor enthusiasm for this project. The potential for all that visit the facility or "call it home" is so tremendous and positive. How could I give up on that dream becoming reality? In a nutshell, I can't. It has been 3 years in the planning and almost 20 years prior to that in the dreaming of... Ok, My pretties... if you haven't donated, get whatever you can My way to help! If you have, MAHALO Nui Loa... truly. Now, off to collapse and visit the decadence of dreamland...rnU@I want Paradise Could you be my paradise? I think I'd like that.roTMI feel like a fraud sometimes but I am really just confused I never defined myself, never thought I would have to I thought being me would be enough I am not sure who that is anymore. I live in a world of labels If I hide my contents I may be mistake for an empty jar My jar is far from empty There is still room for perfection and a few more mistakes Do you know where I could find a label to fit me? What would you write on me with your black permanent marker if you could? I am not quite full, I am not quite I have the faith of a sinner and the prayers of a beggar begging for what they do not know they want and things they do not need. I hope God loves me. Is hope enough? Am I kind enough? Good enough? Even though I want to love you in ways not depicted in the bible. If actions speak volumes, I scream a whole lot of nothing.rpT0Love poetry is interesting to write. Someone once said that all the love songs have been written, and in away they sorta have. However, as long as there are lovers and poets there will be love songs and I am not an exception: You (June 30, 2004) You are so damn beautiful I wish I was beautiful and had something to offer you other than this trembling body and a well worn heart I was warned about you Told you had a charm that could lure a goddess and every girl to your arm Well, I am just a girl like the other girls who follow you around and dream of taming your soul and making you home It would be better if you were cocky and you wore your skills on your sleeve but instead you hide behind an awkward demeanor that makes me want to take you in my arms and tell you how wonderful you are I do not understand if you are a player why are you not playing me? Why do you look so shy and sigh, than walk away from me? What type of girl could make you home? Could I take you home? You are so damn special, I hope I am special and you think of me like I do you.rqTYI have decided that my poetry can never reach it's full art potential if noone ever reads it, for my creative process is only one step in the process of art. I need people to interpret it and relate to it to be real. So, I am going to be posting my art here. It is a seperate entity from my blog rants, and deserves its own place. Here is warning however, My inspiration may come from real or fictional events or people and noone is allowed to worry that a poem is about them. Even if it is. I am also open to suggestions to make my poetry better. I will be posting both fresh and old poems.rrTĀ(D1 - Sept. 24/03, D2 - June 30, 04) I crave sweet kisses upon my lips A place to lean my shoulder Two hands upon my hips Fingers grazing gently the small of my back that escort me through doorways or try to make me laugh Hair to run my fingers through the caress of an eyelash A soul to run through rain with and in puddles splash A warmth to fill my body A tingle down my spine The look of love's sweet reasoning that says, "You are only mine"rsU¢You are so quiet, sweet and comfortable But I am not comfortable With what's rolling in my head And the place that I am Between you And every him that came beforertTokay so this was my dream the night before last (thursday night). i dreamt about bouncer and his girlfriend. i guess that she had found out that he was hitting on me and started yelling at me. i tried to make her my friend, but it didn't work. she was acting all stupid. she was sad and cried. bouncer denied me and made me feel stupid. i was really upset. i think she lived in a sororiety house and i think i was trying to get in it. i was with someone. probably TLB, because she would be the only person (well aside from bebo) who would be risky and crazy enough to go on a mission like that with me. i can't remember the details anymore. but yeah, i just was trying to get to her. and hurt that bouncer treated me like dirt. dreamt about spiders after that. dreamt that there were tons of spiders and i had to kill them. and there were just so many. just all over the place. i needed to try to kill them as fast as i could. then there was a part that i was running and i ran through a giant spider web. i was freaking out. so grossed out and trying to get the web off of me. then i noticed that there was a giant spider. and i was like.. EEEEEEKKKKKKK!!! and tried to run away. so yeah. i can't remember what happened next. stupid spider man movie. it must have come from that.ruTŪman i really need to stop taking these damn afternoon naps!!! urgh. just so tired. so here goes. i only remember bits and pieces and they are slowly fading away as i type. i guess we were in hawaii. or something like that. TLB was there and i was really happy about it. for some reason she was staying at a hotel w/ some other friends? i wasn't staying at my house either. i was staying w/ the aloha crew for some reason. Aloha and vas was there. i think chicken was there too. i'm not sure. i can't remember. so we were hanging out and i was trying to ignore vas, because i didn't want to go that same road again of our stupid relationship, plus i didn't want to get rejected. hmmm. then i think i had to pick up TLB. i don't remember what happened next but the scene changed and we were going to the club. and my ex iceman was there. and he had his new girl. i think i may have been a tiny bit jealous, but we were good friends so i got over it. there were other breakers there. oh yeah, there was a part that i was taking a shower and i was naked and there was some sort of YFC or SFC praise event that my aunt was throwing and they were letting people in. so i had to grab the rug from the floor and use it as a towel to cover my nakedness. so back to the club, i guess i had to get through the club to get TLB. i got distracted by some breakdancer lesbians. they were the butch kind. one kept hitting one me. i kept calling one of them liz. then i dunno we walked back to the hawaii house. then we were at the hawaii house and it was stalker's house. but he wasn't stalker, he was crackhead. it was so weird. so i told the manager that i was crackhead's gf and he let us stay here. then me TLB and princess were hanging out in his room. and someone came in. it was a hot guy. i don't know who, but i knew him. so i wanted to fool around. then it gets even weirder. stalker (who is now himself) comes in. and he gets mad that there's another guy there and they start arguing. then it gets even weirder. he says, well what if the circumstances were different. and then it rewinds and there's more people coming into the room and it was if other people came and if stalker hadn't come until a different time. then different results, worse results than the prior scenario. then stalker changed it again. he says what if the friends that u invited to my house weren't friends and were gangstas? and different gangstas from different gangs. then different people started coming into the room. each time it would rewind and people would go backwards and the scene would start again. this time, i noticed one of the new people come in with a gun and someone else had a gun and i knew they were enemies. so i ran out. i didn't know where TLB or princess were. i ran through a hallway and reached neighbor's room (stalker's neighbor in the dream; the hot boy). then i kept telling him to lock the door before it was too late, because stalker was gonna come charging through it any minute. he couldn't, the locks were broken. then i don't remember what happened next. all of a sudden, i see stalker w/ a gun and he's trying to go after me. but he wasn't stalker but a deranged psycho killer. he was stalker, but he had turned to a deranged psycho killer. he saw me. and all of a sudden tlb was in the picture and she jumped at him and tried to distract him. he shot her while i tried to escape. i tried to go back but i think she said to run. i did, and all of a sudden, he was in front of me. telling me scary stories. then i didn't know who it was. i think it was still stalker but he had changed. he had a towel over his head (like when athletes sweat and they put a towel on their head and the sides hang down). i couldn't see his face and he was holding me, and i couldn't get away. then i opened my eyes telling myself it was a dream. and i couldn't wake up. i kept staring at the towel and the hidden face beneath. i couldn't see the face, but i didn't want to see the face. i had a feelign i had my eyes open but everything was blurry. i didn't know what to do. it was laughing at me. then the phone rang and i turned my head and it was tlb. i woke up. omg. it was crazy. when i hung up the phone with her, i turned my head again and realized that when i thought i was awake and had my eyes open, i was right. what i was looking at (when i was thinking about the psycho w/ a towel over his head) was my chair. i had slung the towel over it after i showered this morning. it could have looked like a face because of it's shape. but omg. how scary. i was staring at it the whole time, trying to wake up, believing that it was a psycho killer waiting for a wrong move. thank god tlb for ur phone call. omg. this was a crazy ass dream.rvTĘI proudly declared my love last night. That's right, I love one of my teachers and have for almost a year. I do fear that I waited too long, for now he appears "taken". But I feel so much better now, I decided that it is really not the anwswer from him that was important. It was the telling by me. Things have a way of working out, for the best. So if it was truly meant to be...well then it will happen, if not. Best wishes to him and his happiness.rwUEHi, well it is Friday...long weekend coming up. That is a good thing.rxUHowdy..welcome ...ryTœHi Again, sorry it has been so long. I am lazy and busy, I fear more of the former that the latter. For that I am truly embarrassed. I promise I will be better. As an updat to the declaration of Love. No news to report, we will have to see what happens when school starts again. Not that I have another class with this person. But I will eventually see him in the halls, and I will let you knwo right away.rzTVHi, I have been up to my eyes in schoolwork. But on the plus side after this semester, I will officially transfer to a 4 year school and be more than half way to that pesky bachlors degree. I so shoudl have done this when I was 18 and living at home with the parents. What a drag, no time, no money. It will all be worth it in the end I am positive. So, to the matter of previous record. I have nothing to report out of the ordinary. I have run into him a bunch of times, it has been no different. Which is good. The fear was that I would ruin the friendly rapport that existed. And the hope was that he would not be able to live without me and we would live happily ever after. Well, neither had happened, so I am no better off or worse off and that is good. I saw one of the best movies the other night. Matchstick Men. Now, I actually had hopes for this one, so it is not a great suprise that I liked it. I have some very specific rules for movies, and find that most "hollywood" creations are not worth the film that they are using. And cannot believe that people would pay 9 bucks to see them. I will spare you all the critics view, just know that I do not think you or anyone would be dissappointed by this film. It is one that will be just as good on DVD when released, however. Well I have to get back to my FOOTBALL! Half time is over. Cheers- Annr{TzurlLink My Yahoo! Well.. I have registered for Cal State Fullerton. One step done on the way to my goal. Wednesday was my B-day. I have to say that I have the best friends in the world. I love them all very much. You all know who you are. Thank you for loving me back. :-) Lets see what else is new in my world....I seem to have a lot of boys in my world... All of a sudden. I am not sure if I like it. Talking to a girl in my Tuesday night English class. It hit me...The reason that I proclaim that I will be 50, single and happily love it. In a relationship, especially true of you are married. Every thought that you have, from a desire for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to the desire to take a new job (or just quit the old one, ala Office Space) every little thing, no matter how trivial, meaningful..or meaningless, good or bad, affects someone else. So as soon as you have a thought ..you have to immediately consider how that thought will affect the other person. And..I do not want to do that. Selfish? Probably. Too bad. I can take care of nobody but myself. Maybe there si someone out there whos opinion I will care about. Someone who will be able to change my mind once I make it up. A person who I will want to make happy, and will want to consider in my plans. But I have wandered the planet for 34 years now, and I have not even been tempted yet. So until then, I guess I will stick with what I have, A couple of boys that I really like, but who have their own lives. Some of them have girlfriends, some have wives(I am going to hell, I know) and some are just too busy or not around very much. If any of you are reading this, I really do like one of you more than the rest. I will not, however make you uncomfortable. I am happy with what we have, and until you make a move to change it, I will not push. Nick, you are a really great guy. See, I did not say that you are "nice" ;-) You light up my day, when we talk...and the other stuff goes without saying. I am very happy that you took a chance, and I will try to keep being myself. I really am that cool, promise. OKAY...I am off for the night ..homework to do and sleep to sleep.r|UurlLink My Yahoo!r}U”Whew, one week to go unitl graduation. I have a final test on Saturday, then I am off for the summer. So, I am off to study catch you all later.r~TĒ Unlike most folks I know, I read articles in papers from England, Scotland, Australia, just about anywhere. I enjoy them because they're not Republican; they're not Democrat. They're just journalism. Or something! Do they have an agenda? Probably. But it's not an especially American political agenda, which is why they're so great. Like the 17-year cicadas swarming outside in my trees, they are pretty oblivious to American opinion on the war. They can "get away with" saying things that the major press here just can't. ("Freedom of the Press"? More like "American groupthink"). Articles from the international press that must have Michael Moore salivating: urlLink The trail to Tehran . This British article seems pretty credible, despite its lack of "objective" tone. The connections between Chalabi and Iran and the concerns that Iran provided Chalabi with the inaccurate intelligence that brought the U.S. into the Iraq war are certainly worth following up on. urlLink Who killed Nick Berg? Okay, True Confessions time. I love conspiracy theories! It doesn't matter whether I believe them or not. And the Nick Berg case does have enough plot holes to wake up the inner conspiracy theorist in just about anyone who is not tied down by the notion that U.S. black ops. would never pull such a thing. At any rate, it's fun to see what the Aussies can print on the war. No major American paper would ever be allowed to print such a thing... true or not true. Speaking of which... I read somewhere that one of the figures in the Nick Berg video was wearing a golden ring, and that such an adornment would be forbidden among radical Muslims. I'm not asking anybody to go out and watch the video, I'm just interested in the claim about the gold ring. Is it true that Muslims aren't supposed to wear gold or gold rings? Is that in the teachings of Muhammed? Some articles from the non-major American press: urlLink For Shame . This article certainly repudiates the notion (voiced by people like Rush Limbaugh) that all the "hand-wringing" over the torture scandal is inspired by liberals. urlLink Gen. Zinni: 'It's Unpatriotic Not To Question' the Iraqi Fiasco . From my hometown paper, Falls Church News Press!!! I was attracted to this article because of the headline. (General Zinni formerly commanded U.S. troops in the Middle East... after Schwarzkopf and before Tommy Franks). Unfortunately, you don't get his comments till the latter part of the article. But still... You don't normally think of getting this type of reporting in a freebie local paper for a fairly small city. But Falls Church, Virginia is only 9 miles away from Washington DC, so politics and war policy are a part of our local intellectual playground. Enjoy!rTā Okay, so I'm not just the Prophetess of Doom. Gotta say that there is hope for America. After all, we just voted Fantasia Barrino our American Idol!!! So it looks like we haven't completely lost our minds! For weeks, I was wondering. I'd see lesser talents move forward, as better singers (Amy Adams, Jennifer Hudson, and ultimately La Toya London!!!) got the boot. I was reading the American Idol boards, shocked at the hatred and vituperation I was seeing spewed there against the black contestants.... who, this year, just happened to be the most talented singers in the competition. It was pretty shocking to see George's bounce called "the jigaboo bounce." (Anybody who doubts the depth of racism in this year's contest needs only to have read the official forum on the AI website). But I remained somewhat optimistic that, as the numbers dwindled, the strongest singers would remain. It didn't quite happen, as I realized when La Toya left the show, but Diana De Garmo was in my Top 3 of the 5 final contestants (along with La Toya and, of course, Fantasia), so in the end we did get a good finale. Fantasia outclassed Diana by a landslide, but Diana put up a good fight nonetheless. Then there was that vote. I had read the teenybopper posts, lamenting the boot for JPL and John Stevens, and I knew that Diana had inherited those boys' votes. I also knew that some bizarros were holding up Diana (much to her embarrassment, I'm sure) as some "Great White Hope." So, regardless of the performances on Tuesday night, I had no idea how the votes would actually go. In the end, though, the most promising American Idol won. Okay, yeah, I was kind of more a La Toya fan, but I also voted for Fantasia each week. And after she sang "Summertime" on Movie Night, I had no idea which way I would swing in the end if the finale came down to La Toya vs. Fantasia. La Toya I thought was the better singer, but Fantasia I thought had the greater musical mind. (That is, Fantasia was the musical genius, who could keep on reinventing songs). I've also got to admit that before Jennifer got the boot, I really wasn't sure how I would go in a vote between the 3 Divas in the Top 3. But it didn't happen. Anyway, I had decided weeks ago that I would definitely buy Fantasia's CD, because I thought it would be musically interesting. I would buy La Toya's more to support her career. In fact, when it came down to those two in the bottom 2 a few weeks ago, I said to my husband during the commercial break: "You know, I hate to say this, but I'm almost hoping that La Toya's the one who goes. She's gonna be fine. She'll definitely get signed. But she's too much like the two High School girls (just a whole lot better!!!). Fantasia is the one who's different. She's got the best chance of standing out against Diana and Jasmine. So I guess I prefer Fantasia to move on, since one of the Divas has to go tonight." So I guess in the end, even though I tended to think of La Toya as my American Idol, my real American Idol was Fantasia all along. But I'm still gonna buy La Toya's album. Okay. I did it. I'm not all serious all the time. Gotta have some enjoyment and fun in the blog. Yes, it's true. I'm a fan of American Idol . And I can hardly wait for Fantasia's music to hit the shelves!!!r€XX The following was written in early May 2004, shortly after the torture scandal broke, and only a few days before my nightmare-conversation with M... A year ago, when I read that our soldiers were breaking into houses when women--but no men--were home, I knew the hatred that would result. I knew that Fallujah, or something like it, would happen. But I never suspected that we would torture Iraqis. Why? Because we have been taught all our lives that "Americans just don't do that." Now we know that that is false. The scariest part of all this for me is that there is a vocal minority in this country proclaiming that the torture is no big deal... that it may, in fact, be necessary in order to "extract information" from the people who oppose our presence in Iraq. That notion is utterly repugnant to me, and it frightens me. At this very moment, America is fighting for its soul. Do we go the way of the Romans--living only for spectacle and sensation--and become a nation of Caligulas? Or do we reel from the shock and horror of the images we've seen, oust the parties responsible, and implement a solid plan to insure that the torture does not continue? When I see the sexual humiliation of the prisoners, when I see our soldiersā€™ glee at all the degradation, when I hear about the rape, the sodomizing, the beating of prisoners, when I see that leash in the hand of that West Virginia girl, and when I read all this excused by ā€œinformation extraction expertsā€ as part of a strategy for breaking prisoners downā€¦ then I know that our country is taking the road to Caligula. We're not quite there yet. Too many people are truly repulsed by the torture. But we are on our way. Our soldiers have become savages. Our government has no clue that they have already lost ANY chance of "winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people" and that the only possible result of extending the occupation would be the oppression of Iraqis, the futile deaths of Americans and Iraqis, an ever-increasing hatred and brutality on both sides, and--ultimately--an international jihad against America that America cannot "win." I was horrified when--without any evidence at all--my government started trying to pin 9/11, and then the anthrax scare, on Iraq because I knew then that they were willing to create any excuse, and invent any evidence they desired, in order to enable them to have an "adventure" in Iraq. We are ignorant. We know nothing about the Middle East. Entire "invincible" armies have disappeared into the Iraqi landscape. But we pretend that our military power is enough to sustain us.... and that everybody else wants their country to be just like ours. Such arrogance the Greeks once called "hubris." And I am afraid that the end result for my country will be the same end result that the hubristic protagonists of the Greek tragedies suffered... utter destruction. I am certain that when we have debased our consciences sufficiently to argue collectively for such torture, God will turn us over completely to our ā€œenemies.ā€ But our true enemy will be what we have allowed ourselves to become... the antithesis of America.rTĀA couple of weeks ago, I had a lunchtime conversation with my good friend, MM. This is a loving, compassionate Christian man who believes strongly in grace. This is someone who has been there for me when I was at my lowest point. But when the subject of the Abu Ghraib torture scandal came up, he became a person I didn't even know he had inside him. This new stranger was telling me that he couldn't be bothered worrying about the prison torture because, after all, "those people" were shooting at American soldiers. He also informed me that for the President to apologize to the Muslim world was ridiculous because "they" don't apologize for what "they" do to "our" people. Well, let's put aside for a moment the fact that the "they" he was talking about are terrorists, rather than the legitimate governing body of a nation that proclaims a commitment to justice, democracy, and freedom. And let's put aside for a moment the fact that--according to U.S. Army Intel sources--70-90% of the people inside the prisons in Iraq are innocent folks who got rounded up because the soldiers needed to have something to show for their raids. Let's put all that aside and consider for a moment the central issue: American soldiers not only played the psychological torture games that we've seen in the photographs, but also savagely beat, raped, and sodomized prisoners. There are stories of soldiers riding prisoners like animals, including one very reliable report of an incident involving a frail 70 year old woman whom soldiers rode "like a donkey." Worse yet, according to the Army's own investigation (as stated in the Taguba Report), this bestial savagery was committed at the behest of military intelligence, the CIA, and civilian contractors. Not exactly the work of a "few bad apples." In the America I grew up in, there was no place for torture... under any circumstances. Even if all the people in the Iraqi prisons had been shooting at American soldiers, we would have had an obligation to behave like human beings, not animals. In fact, one assumes that in war, people on the opposing side will be shooting at us, which is why safeguards exist for the treatment of Prisoners of War. Oh, the war is over, so these people are just criminals? Well, who decided that the war was over? Obviously not the Iraqi resistance. It's their terrain. They're the ones who get to decide when to end the hostilities. That's just one of those quaint little conventions of war which I imagine--like the Geneva Conventions--the current Administration believes is outmoded. (A little aside here... Did King George III declare the war with the colonials over before the colonials decided to stop fighting? Or did he even consider the American rebellion a war? Methinks he thought it treason, not war. But he was wrong, and his country ended up on the losing end of that one.) Okay, back to the Geneva Conventions... When I was a kid, I heard about American POWs being tortured by the Viet Cong. I have since learned that apparently the reason the Viet Cong considered it okay to torture American soldiers was that America had never declared war, so technically the Americans were not "Prisoners of War" and were therefore (according to the Viet Cong) not covered under the Geneva Conventions. It is doubly ironic that today, the U.S. is using a similar semantic argument to deprive POWs of their Geneva Convention rights. Amazing, isn't it, the semantics games people play in order to allow their inner monster to get its freak on? So anyway, my conversation with M was when the keening began. I cried all the way home. It was like I had suddenly woken up in some weird nightmare where America had become an apologist for brutality and oppression. I had never known, never suspected, never wanted to know that this person I so dearly loved, respected, and looked up to had such a hideous monster lurking inside him. I suppose I should not have been surprised because I've got a hideous monster lurking inside me too. That's part of being human. But M's monster was one that I had never wanted to meet. Now I have. And now I get to learn how to relate with a person who has much more darkness in him than I had ever seen before. But hey, he's done it for me. I guess that's friendship. At any rate, what was it that 9/11 did to us? It seems to have turned us into a pack of rabid wolves. Maybe Osama's point was to turn us into "them." If it was, then preliminary findings indicate that he may have partially achieved his objective.r‚TżI know, kind of presumptuous, isn't it, to label myself "Cassandra"? Back in college, I was the doom and gloom girl, proclaiming that we had built our castle out of sand and that it would someday fall. It's been a long time. Nearly 26 years. But now I think I'm seeing it happen, and I don't think I can keep quiet. I guess for me, part of the reason I'm writing this is that I'm a Christian... yeah, the theologically conservative kind. I find myself really out of step, though, with other Christians concerning the state of the world. Everywhere I look, people are all bright and cheery and optimistic, thinking that all we have to do is send the troops into the Middle East and everything will turn out rosey for the United States. We'll make the world, as my friend FW so aptly put it, "safe for Ken and Barbie to procreate." Me? I say, "Don't count on it." You can throw all the military might you want at the Muslim world, and the end result will be a mentality of martyrdom. You're not going to overwhelm them militarily into backing down. You'll just create a resistance. The more you crackdown on that resistance, the stronger it will grow. And anyway, they live there. They know the sand, the heat, the terrain. We're the invader, the occupier, the foreigner, the external force that's attempting to tell them what our laws are for their country. So I guess I'm wondering what history books--or gee, what current events reports--the Bush Administration failed to read. And I guess I'm also wondering why I woke up one morning and apparently found myself in the middle of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) with people I love turning into the very monsters they think they're fighting. That's the only explanation I can think of. And it's not a pleasant thought.rƒTDI missed the last few days of my journal. Spent the last half of the weekend in the hospital with a spastic colon ... GOD that sucks. Started a mini drawing after reading a Poppy Z. Brite book .. her first. Lost Souls. It looks pretty good and I am actually surprised! I am heading back to bed now before the Boogums get me!r„T|got Quake 3 yesterday. I know I know .... its an old game with an addon already... But it is one of those things that I have wanted but just never could justify spending the money on it. Anyway, I found it at Futureshop for $29.00 Canadian which I thought was a steal. My next purchase is Diablo II! Another game I just loved even though I never did honestly kill Diablo, I had too much fun running around the dungeons =] Work on the site is going ok although with quake I think it will slow down a bit =] I have a few things that I like to do when I am not working. I probably should have more and actually get a life lately but the site has taken up all my mental power. I have been planning and scheming on this thing for months. Dragon and I are getting along a lot better and we have decided not to move but save up some money and move around December. That way it won't feel so rushed.r…Tė... I know that he is going to think I rejected him because I quit on the work so early in the game.... but the whole feel of what he was doing was just pornography.... (not that there is anything wrong with porn) ... but it is not what I want to express.... there are enough porn sites on the Internet and I wanted mine to be more than just pics of what was being done in the wide wide world out there. So I quit on it and am in the process of regrouping. It seems that there is a lot of thought that needs to go into the page but very little gain is coming from it and it is frustrating. My user base has dropped a bit but I am not ready to unveil the page in all its glory (grin) because the glory of it is still bouncing around in my head....r†U„started work on the site again today ... People that do flash should be paid a LOT.... its hard! I think I have arthritis ... my joints are hurting all the time nowr‡TĀI realize that I have become narrow focused. Which in some cases is good. But I realize that it is mostly because of theWorm. Today Dragon was trying to tell me about Ethiopian churches and I blew it off as unimportant. But actually it would have been interesting. But since it didn't have anything to do with Art or computers I deemed it as not something I wanted to waste time with. I hate that wasting time has become so important to me.....rˆTĖI found out my kids computer had the SirCam virus and so did I. Got it from a friend sending email. I had to reformat their drive because I couldn't get it off of their's but it came off of mine ok. It's not why I had to format my drive because it happened RIGHT after I formatted it. But the good news is I bought the kids a CDROM for their computer and they are going nuts playing all those games that asked for CD now =] So they are happy even though they lost all their MP3z. For the most part the formatting here is done. I would like to figure out how to embed this journal into my own site but my site is mostly flash and I am not good enough at flash to make it work with the instructions they give here. I am going around again in Diablo in Nightmare mode and am really annoyed about the negative numbers in my resistance. Is this normal or a glitch? I feel horrible. I am sick all the time now and creativity is pretty much down to zero. I an not loosing weight any more and gained 5 pounds eating too many McDonald's McChickens so I am feeling pretty depressed. I am never going to get theWorm out of my head. He has changed my life forever and I don't even have the energy to hate him any more for it.r‰UuBaal is dead. My Golie hit him in the head. Then he went to bed in Hell. What happens next even Tyreal won't tell.rŠU9I defeated Diablo!!!!!! Now on to Baal! hahahahahahaha!r‹UjOk. I think I got the system back up again. And I am tired tired tired..... I use too damn many programs!rŒT$I formatted my hard drive yesterday because my puter was having serious problems. Its going to be a bit before I am seriously posting anywhere. I also paid to be a Livejournal Mega User =] As an artist and a mammal I just could not stick with the formatting provided by a free account! =]rTJSearching and writing down all your favorites and interests is a good way to get to know yourself. Some things might surprise you. I always envied those people with large lists of things they knew about themselves. Huge biographies and lists of interests and things they wanted to do with their lives, things they have done.....rŽUóThis was a surprise! I was going through some interests that I could have and "love" came up ... and I could not honestly list it as a interest/favorite. This is not a good thing! Very interesting. Another chuckhole in the road back to me.rh°U…I can't sleep. Too much good music and too much good creativity going on. My eyes want to close but my mind doesn't want to let go.rT¼OK ... I dumped theMistressKali account and persona. It just seemed like a persona and not really me. Also I seem to be healing up quite a bit since leaving theWeasle. I have started a large painting (51" x 81") and it is coming along quite nicely. I have refrained from painting people for a bit until I can stand looking at them again with out their faces rotting. (Although it would lend to some interesting art albet a bit biased one!)r‘TŽI am starting to have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal, sometimes I feel like I am being beaten down by the sun. I am half convinced something is coming to a head, and the other half thinks that the whole thing will just cease to exist. One day I will just pop like a bubble and nothing of me will be left behind but some residue on the sidewalk..... I took off all the banners from my site. They were raping my art and I hate them and want them gone. The site costs me $10 a month to run so big fucking deal if it gets any traffic or not. If you want a decent fuck film that is tastefully done and more about erotica than merely sex go rent Henry and June. I was lying in bed and I saw a man. (I often see lots of images in my head right before I go to sleep. I try to ignore them most of the time. I don't want to be that intimate with my creativity) I saw a man standing on the edge of a deep canyon and I watched him lean forward and fall. Then that man was me and I was wondering what I would think on the way down. I mean by that time your death is inevitable. I wondered if I would be afraid or if I would be relieved. Or would I be faced with the same situation I find myself in a lot of times. With a lot of regrets. Existence is so much easier than living. No there is not something better than in the middle. I am fucking losing it...........goodnight..............r’U‘myDragon's mom died yesterday. I am going to be gone for awhile. We have to go over to the island for the funeral till Sunday. my baby is sad.r“UöWhat else do you want me to say????? Everything runs great (except pagemaker 6.5). My Litestep program runs awesome [ http://www.ls2k.org - get sum!] It hasn't crashed yet. This was well worth the 200 I paid for it for the sanity it gives me!r”U¶I am in the process of installing windows2000. WindowsME blows. So if you guys don't here from me for a couple days its because I have a new toy to learn =] Love ya! theSpinner()r•TfThat's it I am done. I am tired of flashin' today. I figured out how to make the pages turn in flash and I am sure if I knew more about it the job could be done a lot easier. But I have to make due with the knowledge I have. And the knowledge I have now is tired out and can't do this anymore. Goodnight everyone who reads my journal .... both of you =]r–TDThe date for the wedding is tentatively set. We are getting married on 12/12/2001 at 12:01 AM by firelight in Stanley Park at 3rd beach. If you add up the numbers in the time they add up to 13 =] Now this is all going to depend on when the divorce papers go through however! But here's hoping I will be Mrs. Dragon then!r—T}Ok. I found out today that I have a thing for older men. My fiance is 10 years older than me and urlLink inspectorjury is my choice for Santa clause babe of the month. I have sweated over Sean Connery and inflamed over Peter O'Toole and it never really hit me until just today. I have the hots for older men because personally men close to my own age are too immature and some of their logic is down right silly! Yes it is true that older men can be set in their ways. But I am an accommodating person that doesn't have to have things my way all the time! And there is nothing like experience anyway you look at it girls! Unfortunately I think I scared him away with my straightforward ways though. I sent him a Yahoo! about fishin' and made a couple posts to his page but theSpinner seems to have advanced on the little spider too fast and maybe he was afraid he would get eaten =]r˜TIWell the bus strike is finally over in Vancouver and we got 3 days worth of free transit service. Funny they didn't give us Friday free though! Probably figured they would get all the drunks. Better to put them back in cars where they belong you know. Have you ever had those periods in your life where everything goes so perfect you can hardly believe it? I once had a theory that life is balanced like a coin. The more time you spend on the bad side the more good side you get. So I figure I have been miserable for a long time. So ... if half my life is over the rest of it should slide in like a well lubricated coconut conjac! (its an Asian thing around here) I haven't touched the painting since I had my epiphany however. So I am not sure my theory of taking it easy on free on my art is going to work. Maybe I am scared. (Or maybe I have spent too much time at the beach and formatting this journal I paid 25 bucks to put up a background and move the links around =] But yet I am happier than I have in years. There is only one painting I truly miss that I don't have anymore. The best one I ever did was one of a boat in the ocean that I literally danced with as I painted. To David Lee Roth if I remember right. I need to spend more time in the sun. I am too freakin' pale! (I need to learn to keep one track on my mind!)r™TÓOk. I had some pictures taken of me and was surprised when they didn't turn out TOO badly. Talked to a guy on ICQ today that only spoke French ... I don't speak a word of french but used this link for translation http://translation2.paralink.com/ It was the first time in years that I blushed. Even french written is erotic! I think this is a language I want to learn. Many people in Canada speak french and being multi-lingual would help in becoming a citizen.ršTA couple times (and in previous hardcopy journals) Dragon has asked me if I write bad stuff about him. This is his insecurity talking and he probably wouldn't be totally the man I love were it not for these insecurities. It presents a certain charm within him. But I want to write this entry for Dragon. urlLink My Dragon, My husband, My love. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. You came at a time when I needed you most and you were exactly what I needed. I cannot imagine not ever needing someone just like you in my life. Your quiet subtle ways, your generous heart and gentle hands are everything I dreamed I would find in someone. When you growl it is mostly in playful ways, when you tease it is always with consideration. I love you so very, very much. You truly are the love of my life and I will forever remember that fact. Yours (and I truly mean that) your wife and mater›T‰Something happened to me yesterday. I woke up feeling great and something in my head had changed. It was as if Terry (who was theWorm) didn't matter anymore. As if he finally found his way out of my head and let go his tail around my brain and headed out the door. And I was glad to see him go! It feels like it didn't matter that I was with him. I feel freer and not devastated anymore.rœU7I am bi-polar. This whole thing could be just a cycle.rT what I mean by losing myself. I have been through a sort of "cult deprogramming", only I am did it on myself. I know this is sounding weird =[ God this sounds weird to even me. If any of you read my journal at times I talked about a guy that I called theWorm. Living with theWorm was hell ... he had some very strange ideas about a lot of things and had some very effective programming techniques. And after living with someone for 5 years they tend to become cemented. When someone has been taken from a cult they are deprogrammed by pretty much wiping everything out in their brain that had to do with the cult, and in doing so leaves a pretty big hole. The problem with that is while you are in the cult everything about what you were before is twisted around what you are becoming. Either it is used against you or it is assimilated in a way that makes it fit within that cult. So, when you are deprogrammed it leaves you with pretty much nothing. And looking backwards is like falling into an abyss that you swear you will never get out of. And writing this in the light of day when I am fully awake makes me wonder why I started this. But I did so I will finish this quickly and get back to our regularly programmed schedule =] So anyway, in order to leave him I took a bottle of lighter fluid to my insides, and set a match to it for about 2 months. Then it took about 4 months to get rid of him. I won't go into any details about the "cult" or answer any questions about it. I can't think about it. I have been gone from him for 1 1/2 years and I can't look back. But in burning him out of my brain left my insides very raw. And in healing the burns left me numb. And lost. They say that if something is taken out of your life it leaves a void, and the only way to not go back to it, or to just totally suffer from it you need to fill the vacuum. You can quit smoking that way, and help with grief from loss of something special to you. And I have tried to fill that void with my new family and by moving to another country to completely new customs and surroundings. And for the most part I am happy. I have no real stressors anymore and life is very peaceful. But I am missing and my art is terribly suffering for it........... One good thing has come from this I think. I have realized I think what is wrong with my creativity. Without life there is no art for me. And I can't speak because I can no longer stand to see. I can't look. I can only take fleeting glimpses of the world I once knew and played in. Because what was I was so wrapped up in the World of theWorm to look at it is like looking at the sun while pouring acid in your eyes. And all this sounds stupid even to my ears. Forgive the indulgence of a worn out old woman guys, and thank you for listening...............ržThere is why I brought the last entry up ..... I am looking for reasons ... which is another reason I started this journal ... to help me find myself. Again .... as if it was the first time that I have said again and hoped it would be the last. See, I am a chameleon. I was in a mental hospital once and they asked me "If I was an animal, what animal do I think I would be." (yeah I know, and I wonder why I still have problems => ) I answered right off. "I am a chameleon, because I am all things to all people." I was a lot younger with a lot more energy back then =] I have seen through the years (through asking other people about this) that the testimony to my "chameleonness" is the fact that nobody knows I am a chameleon. They think I am who they see me be. Unfortunate for me I got too good at it. I have forgotten my original colors. I have lost myself..... I have looked to my friends and lovers and family to help out in this department but they can only tell me what I have been to them...... and once again I find myself saying like I have when I was young and going through the mental hospital phase .... "Time is running out, I have to figure something out now." I didn't know why time was running out then either...... but I think this time it is because the paths of my life were laid down in the dirt of the Earth I have been akinned to, and the winds of time and tide erase them quickly ... my mind is forgetting where it came from and where it has been. I am losing myself and now I am losing the way back. I mourn for a lot of what I was .... but the most agony comes from the sole love of my heart and soul.... my artwork. I have mourned over the loss of my feelings, the loss of my connection to nature and a lot of other things I thought I was connected to. But I have learned to live without them ... or at least I think I have .... But the art I cannot live without. It IS me. Or such a part of me that I cannot tell the difference anymore..... I am stuck. I cannot create. I cannot perform and I cannot speak. I cannot speak. I used to speak with my hands and now I have no more words. (more later .... I hurt)......................rŸT’I have wondered why I started this journal and I guess it was about the same reason that others started there's. Hoping to find acceptance in ones words, hoping someone is hearing them and reacting in a positive manner. Hoping someone is caring about what you are saying. I suppose. I have read my friends page every day. I have read your words and I have thought about you as people.... what your lives are like .... wondering if you read mine and wonder.... , I was amazed to find another woman that uses Litestep, it is such a male geek tool type of thing. I have used it since '97 when everyone was using the wharf and MorpheousX changed the way we look at themes and themeing. I have wanted to ask you for a screenshot of your desktop and wondered if you are in DeviantArt? Which brings me to . I have admired your work a LOT since I found your webpage a couple of years ago. I remember agonizing over the long wait between dragons ... but understanding because I have a website of my own that comes from my soul ... or at least it did back then.... I know how hard it has been for me to forge something of myself (both in the making of myself and in the "part of myself" sense of the word). Bajema IS on Deviant, at least a recent addition. The site came out with its "art" and "application" slogan soon after I made my first theme for Litestep with the slogan "merging Art and Application" for my thePheonix() theme.... I was tickled. I still visit even though the images load so damn sloooow! =] I have wanted to introduce YOU to Litestep for some time now. I think your sensitivity and vision would lend a great deal to the skinner/themer world... and with you so into computers and art I think you would get a big kick out of Litestep as your desktop..... I have had a lot of fun themeing for it... (See I watched Magnolia last night and it has made me think of how we are all linked together ... or not =]) ... I have watched you agonize over the loss of your wife and the moving of your family and it has made me think about a great many things.... About how I am 10 years younger than my Dragon love and I have raised my kids to want to be forgers in their life ... so I know they will leave all too soon leaving me in a full identity crisis because .... well ... what else do I truly have to "be", you know? I have been a mother for so long I wonder anymore if there is anything else ... and if I really want there to be. Where do you go and what do you do when your reason to keep moving forward is gone? I have wanted to suggest a good many things but who the heck am I to tell someone that obviously deserves respect and care due to their wisdom, intelligence, and the fact that they have worn out a more walking shoes than I have worn so far? But I have so badly wanted to suggest maybe a roommate that needed you might be helpful? .... I want to tell you ... your body is beautiful... I very much look forward to seeing your photos in your journal as you seem to typically un-male but obviously so.... thank you for sharing... but to be so obviously female seems so insulting but I have so terribly wanted to ask you if they put something in the water in Columbia that they sure didn't where I grew up and was dating..... (blushing here) You are such a peaceful human being and I mean human being in all its sense. I like your down to earth.... and the stars you keep looking at that you probably don't realize live in your eyes =] - I know someone that is so much like you .... her heart hurt much like I have heard yours such speaking. I wanted to tell you that it is going to be OK. I have seen her quiet strength persevere through so much. I have wanted to say, please realize your strength IS the same sensitivity that causes you so much pain. To kill one is to kill the other .... be careful. The thing that makes you so strong is the thing most people would say was weak. ... you seem to tender right now =[ I wanted to tell you also that it was going to be ok. It is the differences that make us interesting and wonderful =] It is why I always smile in glee at Baskin Robins ... 31 flavors is what makes life special =] And there are those out there that think so =]r Uxhave too many problems of my own to justify or attempt to hurt someone else. Now excuse me, I have a house to clean.....r”TģHot pastrami on fluffy white bread with mozzarella cheese melted on top is good. I had this fight with T the other day. She wants more deeper intimacy with me. I am horrible. She has been there for me and keeps telling me that I am not the only one that has been hurt. I feel like she is telling me that she has been there for me and she is hurt too so it is my time to give back to her. The problem is I don't think I have what she wants me to give anymore. So many road inside myself have been shut down and abandoned. The weeds have taken over and the roads are gone leaving no trace of how to navigate the area any more. And it is not like when you are growing up making the roads of who you are that you make a map along the way. =[r¢TŒI noticed that since Dragon's mom died I have not posted much. Most of the time I just want to browse and sleep now. I think I broke a pattern that was sustaining me and now can't establish it again. I spend too much time on the net. I went rollerblading yesterday for the first time since spring. I have barely been out of the house unless it was with Dragon. What is wrong with me? It is easier to sit here. I feel like I worked 3 jobs the last 5 years with Terry and raised 6 kids. I feel worn out still after a year and a half of being without him. Maybe I am too happy. But I just don't want to think about all the things that happened anymore and all the things that was said while I was with him. I am mentally tired I think. I was brainwashed for 5 years and now that I have most of it cleared out I am empty and scared about what to fill my head with. Thought shy like gun shy I guess.r£TcSchool started on the home front yesterday and time has been short for most things. It seems like I just get up and I am going to bed. I homeschool my kids so everything is up to me. We are in a heavy curriculum this year because I am preparing them for taking their equivalency test in a couple years. urlLink Myka is 14 and urlLink Britty will be 13 in a few days. (Myka will be 15 in January) I just can't believe that. I remember vividly when I was 15! 15 was a rough year FULL of changes. It was after a year of serious contemplation about myself. The year I won beauty queen and all the kids boo'd. The year Kurt Stephenson broke up with me. I thought about him all year long. He was my first true love. Funny 15 years later I found out he had came over to my house looking for me just after I had left home and I cried. Imagine crying about someone 15 years after they leave you. He was a chicken shit anyway. Broke up with my in a Dear Jane letter. Kurt, if you ever read this I think you are a chicken shit and give me back my sophomore yearbook! It turns out he married April Robinson and had 3 kids. She is like some ideal mother into heavy parenting issues. (And he broke up with me because he thought I was a boring stupid airhead) It still hurts. Breaking up with Kurt has hurt all my life. Mostly because I never quite understood why.r¤U­Ok it has been awhle but I am still alive. I bought the Lenore, Johnny and Sqee trad paperbacks and have been laughing my ass off ever since. This shit is toaster classic!r„TūI am sitting here with $12.00 of smoked salmon, $10.00 worth of prime BC bud and I am thinking about my last entry =}and it doesn't take a whole lot a pot to see the connection here! =] I have to say that BC bud is nice. American pot always seemed way too harsh to me. It always had a nasty little edge to it. Ok come on give me a break ... I have to have something to give this massive unit I call a brain a break! They say you should never write while you are stoned. But this journal is such a catharsis for me that I decided I will allow my hair to come down for just this once in an environment that is a cross between writing in a paper journal with a lock and hiding place and just totally taking ads out in the paper, buying space to tell my soul!r¦U|on Angelina Jolie =] http://www.absolutely.net/jolie/ I would like to spend one week with her just to watch her move......r§UĢand its too early ... waking up at 6 makes for too long a day .... where's my spork? I want my booties and my PJs .... I'm tired of oatmeal ... here you eat it .... {mashes spork into screen .... splonk}rØTÆI have strange dreams. Like, what most people would consider nightmares I consider adventure dreams. I dream a lot about being chased by things that want to kill me for some reason or another. I have to use my wits and my speed to stay one step ahead of them, or my strength if I am caught. These dreams I consider playing in my sleep. I play too many RPG's, on the computer and around the table, I think. What I consider play dreams now used to be my nightmares as a kid. My nightmares now are something else. My nightmares now are me dreaming about blatantly true life..... sometimes they show up symbolically but for some reason are always pretty obvious to me in their meaning. Like one time I had a dream my mother was half naked sitting on her bed, and she was very skinny and tiny looking (my mom is only 5' being half Polish half Irish) She was shooting up. She was looking down at her arm and slid a needle into a vein and injected herself. Then she looked up with tears in her eyes, went all glassy eyed and collapsed softly, crumbling to her side. The look on her face as she collapsed was a reflection on how she felt about life. My dad is an alcoholic and beats my mom and generally makes her life miserable with his ranting around the house all the time. It got 100 times worse when he lost his job of over 30 years. He never bothered much to get another one. He just stayed at home to terrorize my mom. I think about the way life must make her feel, being so tiny against such a vicious animal, and for the most part, even though my mother is a very strong, very capable woman, life must feel very draining and very sad to her. Life was the drug in her arm see. It withered her and made her very sick, but it was a choice. I never wanted to admit that it was her choice. I never understood why she stayed with him. I just remembered feeling very confused about the whole thing and waiting for the day when whatever it was keeping her there would go away and she would come live with me and he would go away... My dad has tried to knock me around a couple times, but I usually knock him on his ass and for some reason, having someone fight back usually takes all the violence out of him. One time I called the police after he beat my mom but she wouldn't admit to the policeman what happened. It showed me then her life was a choice. And I am hoping maybe it showed her that I love her. But no matter how cut and dry it looks here in black and white it made a very big impact on me. I mean ... how do you stomach such a thing? I was leaving my mother to the hands of a monster that day. I was so desperate to save my mom but seeing her look me in the eye then looking at that policeman and telling him nothing happened, THEN standing there while my dad had the policeman escort me off their property ... it made me realize that I could not force her to go. She had made the choice to stay for whatever reasons, and while it was difficult for both of us to live with the decisions she makes, it wasn't me putting that needle in her arm, and there was very little I could do about it except sit and watch and be there for her. My mom had it bad against the odds too. I have been divorced. But most of my family stay together forever. Its just the way its done. We probably have the lowest divorce rate of any family I know. My grandparents families celebrate 50 and 60 year wedding anniversaries as common as retirement parties. Mostly if someone is not with the mate they married in their early 20s it is because the mate had died and they usually stay then with a new mate if they get one. My mother had a lot to live up to and I realize that, but in a way seeing her struggle to make life work in spite of my dad made it easier for me to divorce my husband when I realized he was a deadbeat drug user. I did not want to find myself sitting on my bed crying and sick when I was 50 because my mate was a low life. I learned the hard way, and after too damn many bad men, that you make the choice wisely before you mate for life. I mean sometimes you really can't know, about what your mate will be in the future. But generally I think with a little thought you can tell. Like taking a hard look and evaluating honestly your mates behaviour. Stealing the last $20.00 I had for diapers to buy drugs and Pepsi's should have been a dead give away..... I don't know why I didn't see it at the time..... maybe I was too busy dreaming about life sucking evil moster dudes instead of seeing I was living with one? I am ironic like that =] Oger invasion on the home front? No problem! I eat me wheaties with them every morning. "Have another bowl of alien space dudes honey?" ... but the real world ... those are my nightmares ... gets me every time .... keening in my covers, blinking back tears and bile ... convincing myself to drag in every breath ... you're awake now .... Just breathe, breathe...... I wake up in cold sweat with life staring me right in the face saying, "See, See! For all your strength and answers, Sheena, you are a worm! A soft bodied little worm on the sidewalk drowning when it rains .... you are insignificant compared to My power..." It sucks when closing your eyes gets as bad as opening them ....r©TĄSo we were walking along Dragon and I, just minding our own business. We were going to the hardware store to buy legs for the couch his brothers delivered without them. When we walked out of the store and there was this black rabbit sitting on the side of the parking lot eating grass..... Now, living in Vancouver you would not believe the incidents of wolves and other predatory animals we get here. And that doesn't include the cars! So I am thinking ... someone has lost their pet (or chucked it after the Easter wore off it) and by morning it is going to be some kind of pizza, whether pavement or snack. So here I go on this crusade to save this rabbit. I don't know about you but it is damn near impossible to catch a rabbit (by his toe or otherwise). Our only saving grace (and his) was the fact that he decided to hide amongst the piled up skids that were in front of the hardware store. As it was, it took us a full 2 hours to trap it so I could grab it. Now, almost $200.00 later .... we got a free rabbit. No one can decide what to call it (It is a male Mini Rex, one of the Velveteen rabbit breeds) I call it Cinder Rabbit, wants to call it Hobo, wants to call it Evil but we all just wind up calling it Funny Bunny for the most part. It has ear mites ... So time for a trip to the vet as rabbit mites can be severe and very hard to eradicate. Welcome to pet ownership ... I wonder what the Rottie will think of it when we buy it in March?rŖT“ I haven't posted for awhile. My last comments weren't met with much success on my end. I had another dream about painting last night. Although this one was a little weird. It was about Christ and turkey (Monday was Thanksgiving in Canada). Although Christ and Thanksgiving don't really relate to each other. It was about this traveling evangelist that I thought had a good message in my dream. He was getting discouraged and was going to give up on helping the world in his way. Because people were so ungrateful and generally angry and very negative most of the time when he dealt with them. I drove down to the states and found him in the parking lot at a Safeway and I told him "Of course people are negative and degrading when they come to you, it means you are doing something right. Christ himself would not become some famous fancy preacher because he said he preaches to those that need his help not those that don't" It meant he was attracting the people that he needed the most and that needed him the most. I was painting a picture of Christ being crushed, and scenes of him being hung upside down on the cross with "turkey is more important" written on the crossbar. Who knows. I am not a religious person but mainly because I don't see how being religious has helped most people. For the most part the more they get into any religion the more they seem to judge those people that are not of their religion. Needless to say I don't really believe in God as a whole. and I were talking about this last night before bed, she asked me what I believed. I told her that I believe God is everything but pays very little attention to the meanderings of any one person or groups of persons. For the most part we are like cells that run through blood veins, or even skin dander. I said that doesn't mean you can't affect the way things work through means not usually applied day to day. Whether it be prayer, chant, or magick. But that I also think that the message that God would give to his people would be a lot simpler than it has been said. Anyway, there is no purpose to this post. Just rambling. Meet BTW. She is the gf I talk about in my journal. She is coming up for a visit October 18th. It's been nearly 3 years since I have seen her. I have known her for 4 years this November. Probably the oldest friend I have. My life changes a lot..... I can't say what I will be doing from one year to the next.r«TCDragon and I had a fight last night. He doesn't want me to go to club inferno because he is afraid I will find someone more interesting there and leave him. Let me tell you something .... don't ever leave someone to be with someone else even remotely... because they will fear that you will do the same to them forever! We managed to get calmed down enough to have sex and he did the one thing I think no man should do after fighting with their woman. Fuck her and fantasize that she is something else. And then fantasize about the one thing she is insecure about also! Fucking can be an emotional time for a woman (I have managed to staunch that part of me for the most part) and especially after a fight. If you are the type to have sex after a fight please remember to use that time to bond again, not to establish breeding rights!r¬TøBefore my last bf I believed in living Poly (being in a Polyamorous relationship....) But it seemed that in the case of my last relationship the male side of the relationship just took it as a way to collect more females for a harem where each female played a role of his choosing for his own good. And I seemed to be the one that went without sex in favor of serving him his dinner and washing his clothes. Other males were not allowed BTW. So now that I am on the other side of the relationship (being that it is over for a year now) I am struggling with my own fears and they are getting in the way of the relationship and growth. I am not as sure as I used to be that not sticking to the traditional monogamous relationship is such a bad idea.... especially with all the insecurities that I have. It seems that doing what you wish because you can hurts a lot of people if you do not temper it with just because you can doesn't mean that you should.r­Töand when it isn't it is called perversion? =] Just a little observation to explain that to each their own and definition of where to draw the line is relative to who is involved and the whims of the time. I have been involved in BDSM for several years now as well as 3 separate 3sms and I can honestly say that while some things are different much remains the same. We are human beings as ever and much is static in our behaviour. We deal with the same jealousies and feelings of inadequacy and fears no matter if someone is holding a whip over our backs or serving us a TV dinner while we watch Archie Bunker. One thing that people don't think about when they fantasize about 3sms is that we are not dealing with fuck faces pasted on the air of our minds while we jack n jill. We deal with multi-faceted human beings with moods and ideas in a changing fickle world. If you think one relationship spins your head and stirs up your world ... just imagine how a relationship with 3 people would take a blender to it. In a 2 party relationship you deal with at least 5 relationships. You have the relationship as a whole, you have the way 1 person deals with the other and the way the other person deals with the first and then you have the way 1 person deals with the relationship as a whole and the way the other person deals with it as a whole............ in a 3sm you have at least 13 different relationships! 13! I know what most people would say... I said it at one time myself.... "But I am not in this for relationships, just the sex and fun!" It is NEVER just sex and fun EVEN if you and your partner skip around to not having sex with the same person more than twice. It changes things in your relationship forEVER! Especially if, as a man, you just want to sleep with more than one female. Because sooner of later she is going to think of some other guy and BANG! Your dick is in an uproar and I don't mean with a pleasant stiffy! (This applies to women too!) There is no way around this.... adding another person (even if an amalgamation of many people and you and your partner) is going to change the way you look at each other and feel about each other. As to why BDSM is appealing to people. This is as diverse an answer as to why people like a certain song or band. First off let me explain my role. I am a switch... meaning I like to be a top as well as a bottom. I like being a top because I naturally have a domineering personality and being able to manipulate people to feel a certain way (whether by their request or my whim) turns me on. It is why I am an artist. It is why I write stories and poetry. I like to be able to make people react from a gut level before they have time to think about the correct response. And since I am a switch I get a kick knowing that I am the cause of someone feeling that feeling I get when I am a bottom. Why I am a bottom..... First let me clarify something. I do not "like" pain. I do not orgasm when I walk barefoot down the street and stub my toe or step on glass. I do however like the endorphins released by the shock of such an event when it is by choice. Much of my life and thinking is contained in a self monitored package with all the checks and controls necessary to existing in every day society. All the while I still having this brain that composes art in peoples faces while walking down the street in that instance before eye contact is made and self preservation kicks in. And it screams when contained too tightly! But it has learned one thing..... The controlled side screams too.... and the controlled side, for all its strength and carefully finished exterior, shatters when it gets too exhausted, by whatever method ... be it pain or stress or overwork. If you cause it unpleasantness for long enough it will release and the doves will weep for joy in their cages shuttering with that pre-anticipation of unfettered flight. The innocence of lambs will frolic unknowingly in the bliss before their inevitable slaughter, completely unaware so therefore free. And I get that feeling you get after a REALLY good orgasm (the one better than the feeling you get right after a MUCH needed piss!) And through its extremes it has much the same anaesthetic effect of walking on sharp rocks with a toothache.... Bliss is found through much needed release caused by the extreme distraction the pain provides. You reach this point (by the same building process much like an orgasm) where everything else in the world is reduced to the point right in front of your eyes. And in a society where we are bombarded second by second with the colors and choices of mass advertising, millions of different songs to listen to, and sights to see...... this is an extremely profound place! There is NOTHING but you at your most real. You have been stripped naked and dropped right back into the womb. The you that you were before society got its hooks and claws into you. Anyway ... I could go on and on but it would only be a redundant attempt to explain Nirvana through Backstreet Boys videos. It is something you have to experience. Meditation through flogging. It is said that monks and priests do it to get closer to god... and Buddhists starve themselves in fasting and sitting in dark rooms with only incense and a straw mat for comfort..... It is a place you arrive .... not a place you can go.....r®ThMy favorite part from T2 was the writing etched into the picnic table in the desert "There is no fate but what we make" It suggests that we have control over our lives. We have the ability to make it what we want to make it.... be it that we are smart, clever, ???. They say the human brain only uses 10% of its potential. What do we do with the other 90%? We use it as a hat rack. Maybe we don't use it at all. But what if there was something productive we could do with all that extra grey matter. What if it is that part of our brain that holds the potential we have of NOT being a victim to our surroundings and people with more money or political power? So becoming theSpinner was an attempted to turn on a few extra brain cells. Becoming my own spinner of my fate instead of some old woman I have never met sitting in front of a loom without my name on it.rÆTŠ A little further into peaceful in my mind over this thing What would I do? has been asked to me...... I would like to say I would side with peace. I, myself am a peaceful person, and would never decide that terrorism to this scale was a viable solution. (Notice I said "would" never, not "could" never. I am an animal and have many instincts that would support an act like this) I would say round them up and do to them what has been done to the bodies in the WTC. Leader first. With followers watching. But that eye for an eye theory is what started this whole thing and what has caused the bombing of these buildings in the first place. I am not so ignorant to think that the US was an anonymous random target. We have done our own atrocities as well through the years. So this is a bad solution I think. So would be going into the country that houses these people and declaring war. Although a temporary solution that would make others think twice about doing something like this ... the third time they think about it, they will merely think about how to do it better and how not to get caught so they can continue fighting for their "cause". If instead we negotiate peace with these people then it will show that anytime someone wants something from the US all they have to do is terrorize us into terms. Of course we could refuse to trade with them. But that would cause us to have to use OUR oil instead of stock piling it for when the Arabians run out of theirs. (Which may be why they are taking such sudden action now, to jack up the price they can get for their oil to cash in their cow until she dies) But the oil company would go nuts over this so its not going to happen. I would recommend threatening retaliation and begin all out occupation tactics until the terrorists are turned over and then give them a public execution. And then start preparing for nuclear war someday soon (within the next 10 years) because this suggestion will only escalate. We could arrest the terrorists and imprison them for study. Only by learning and knowledge can we hope to find a solution to what is wrong with OUR tactics that cause them to take theirs. See, I live in Canada now. I left the US because there are things wrong with it that not only cannot be easily solved ... but the powers that could solve them really only want to continue them because they line their pockets and insure their children's children stay in power. And damn the consequences to the "little people". Which is exactly what has happened now. Do you think it was the stock holders that occupied the WTC? No it was the people making them rich that did. Is it the powers that are suffering right now like the families that have been devastated by actual family deaths? Trade will go on as soon as they can find a building to put it in. Money will continue to flow. And as soon as a few weeks go past us with the news clogging up our TV entertainment we will want to hear about something else. THEN the powers will move and come up with a solution that we will never be privy to. So what would I do if I had the power? I would apologize and then do nothing. But in the future ... I would remember that my actions have consequences and try an ounce of prevention next time so nobody gets pounded.r°T01:25 pm Makes me glad that the decision on what to do about this incident is left in someone else's hands. I would like to say however that I am sorry for what our government has decided that has hurt your country. (Afghanistan and others) I left the US after 32 years of living there because I realized a few things about "our" beloved country. I have seen our country support Iraq against Iran and Iran against Iraq and realized that the American government is an opportunist. When I hit 18 I started to vote for who is in office but quickly realized that it was a fixed situation. Our choices are limited to who makes it on the ballot and who makes it is usually who is the richest. And they didn't get rich by supporting what is right all the time. But what would make them richer. So, there you are. You can't make a difference if you don't vote and you can't make a difference if you do. I want to say that I never chose to help one country annihilate another. I never chose to support violence. And I never chose it to the point that I left America and moved to another country and took my tax dollars and the tax dollars of my family and future family with me. They do bad things in America and they do good things. Pretty much like any other human being. People are not all bad, and not all good. But I can't say that if my children were in the position that some of the Afghanistan families are put in that I wouldn't be fighting back either. Just like some of the Americans are fighting mad here because their families and the families of other Americans have gotten hurt. But it is never as black and white as some of the messages I have read here would like it to be. This is not an incident of merely "them" doing something to "us" and "us" retaliating against "them". This is an on going situation of twists and turns that many of my "fellow Americans" are not aware of and will never be aware of. Our government makes many decisions every day that 99.9% of the populace doesn't even know about and has done so for years! How can you condemn someone when you don't have all the facts? I ask that of all of you. I don't know why who ever did this decided to take this course of action. I don't think it was right but neither do I think what is happening in their country is right. So I ask the people of the Middle East. What can be done to make your lives better? And realistically. Because writing our Congressmen and President does just about as good as pissing in a bucket to fill the ocean. Over throw our Government? There is no way we would ever get coordinated enough to do something like that. So what can be done? To stop all this hurt on your soil and ours. I "have" done the one thing that I could think of immediately. I have educated my children and tried with anyone around me that cares to listen. I took my support away from the people that were doing this to other countries (and their own people as well) and moved to a country were many many people of different nationality seem to live in relative peace right next door to each other. My neighbors are from China and India, Europe and France, Japan and from the Middle East. All in the same neighborhood. The last loud noise I heard was when the neighbor what building a shed in her back yard and woke me up each morning hammering. We smile at each other and look out for each others houses and make sure we leave parking for each other in front on the street. What else can I do to try and make sure someday in the future neither of us has to suffer so much? Laurie Nevard, Polish, German, Irish, American and Canadianr±TōEverybody is talking about "It". And I have decided I don't want to. I am sick over It. I don't understand It. I am confused and penetrated and I have determined that I will never make sense of it. I do want to say to the Arabian people. I love your horses and your desert is beautiful. Your people always have such kind, interesting, intelligent faces. If someone from your country did this then I want to say I still love your horses and your desert is beautiful and I still like your faces.r²Tæ"Loneliness is the most terrible poverty." Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. The ocean is made of drops. "Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out... and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel... And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man" - with his mouth. Mark Twain I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Mother Teresa Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind? Kahlil Gibran to guys, the difference between "bad girlfriend" and "naughty girlfriend" is like the difference between "underwear" and "panties". ~theSpinner "It's not Cults that kill young virgins Curiosity is what is killing young virgins" ~theSpinnerr³T¶Today, I saw a man push a mentally handicap woman off the bus. He was about 6'4". She was about 5'3", maybe 90 lbs. soaking wet. As I walked to the Grandvillbe bridge I realized then several things within a span of seconds. It is not myself that keeps me alive. It is other people. I myself have nothing good to live for. I live for others. I realize it is not me that has a problem. It is other people that have a problem. They are the ones that need help. I only need help coping with reality. People wonder why I want pot. I wonder why you don't. I wonder how you do it. I pushed the man back. I told him he better be thanking his maker that he was not born that way instead of picking on those that were. Later I thought of a lot of things to say and do. But at the time I was just in shock. I got off the bus and cried. I cried all the way to the bridge and back. I watched people walk along happy and loaded with things they had bought from the shops. I wanted to grab them and beg them. "I just saw a man push a helpless woman off a bus. Tell your children not to push people that are worse off then they will ever be ... Where are you going??? Why are you happy???? How can you live with things like this? ??? Are you blind?!?!?!?!?!" He called her a freak before he pushed her. He told me I looked like a freak too. After I pushed him. No one else on the standing room only bus did or said a thing. When I got off the bus people saw me bawling. Every of of them saw me crying. Every single one of them turned away and just kept on walking. They all looked the other way. I realized .... yes, they are blind. You people tell me to cope by being blind. I believe you. I KNOW it is the only way and practiced it for a couple years now. To the point of pushing out of my life anyone who dared ask me to open myself and see. But here I am begging for help in trying to be an artist again. I cannot be blind and not beg to be able to express myself. I am lost. I am sorry Tammy, my GOD you don't realize how sorry I am. I am sorry I cannot be what you needed me to be. I can't be what I need me to be. I can't see and I can't be blind. You beg me to feel you and in every action I do and word I say I beg not to. My heart begged not to feel harder than it begs to. My whole soul is at war with itself. I have seen too much and felt too much. Please, PLEASE understand. It WAS because I could not join you. To let go always brings me to this. I have my own bridges too T, and somedays I so want to cross them to the other side. As I was walking down the street I looked in the windows and saw my reflection. I do look like a freak. I noticed that when I left home. I noticed that there was no way I could go inside the art galleries that I set out to look in because I don't look like someone with enough state of mind or money to buy the art there. I would be asked to leave. I look like a freak. I look like someone that has lost the ability not to care. I know why I can't feel. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO!!!!! God... we are lost. I did not want to have children. I did not want to bring them into this world knowing what they would see and feel. Now, I work hard to keep them away from it. Because there is no coping but brutal, pain induced blindness. There is no solution to this. I wanted every person out there to go home and tell their children not to push handicap people. I would not have thought that it was a neccessity. Who would have thought that man's parents did not teach him that? Before I got on that bus another one much less crowded was coming behind it. I almost waited, but I got on the crowded one anyway. As I passed the woman she flipped me off. Her hair looked like it had not been brushed in a week. I walked on past and stood behind this other woman and the man. As I waited for my stop I realized I was on the wrong bus. It wasn't going to stop where I needed it to stop. The small woman realized that too and yanked on the chain several times and cried out over and over. I realized she could not speak. The only sign she knew was the finger. The man explained that the bus would not stop. She of course didn't understand. She yanked the chain some more and cried out some more. The guy told her if she did that again he was going to push her head through the window. I thought. "Buddy I would like to see you try!" The little woman walked up to the bus driver and tried to get him to stop. The women in front of me turned to me and said. "Could you just back off a half a meter? I need to breathe." I thought, I don't smell and it was a crowded bus. The two guys behind me were at my back as well. I thought, god we can't even stand to be next to each other let alone help one another. The little woman came back and stood at the door and kept yanking the chain some more. The guy called her a freak. She didn't even turn around. I think she was either deaf or couldn't understand him. The bus stopped, the door opened and she started to step out and flipped the bus driver off. The man behind her pushed her out the door onto the sidewalk. He didn't have a problem touching her. I pushed him back. We had words. The little woman got back on the bus as the woman in front of me quickly got off. The little woman pushed me because she saw me pushing the guy and thought I was the one that pushed her. I ignored her and shouted at the guy and got off the bus. He moved to push me and I turned and said. "Go ahead and try it, I'm not as retarded as she is." He told me I looked it and the bus left. I thought about the other woman and thought. I need to breathe too. I started to pray. "God, please help us. We need help! We are losing!" I thought about that other woman again and wondered why she didn't do something as she was standing right there. I realized that she wanted me to back off because she wanted away from the little woman. I wonder if she was afraid. I wonder which one of us she thought would rub off on her. The little woman's retardedness ... or my humanity. I don't blame her. I don't want to be human any more either. I feel sorry for the other woman. She was in between a rock and a hard place. I have learned to bite and scream incoherently like that little woman. She is me. Tammy I am sorry all I could do was babble and flip you off. September 11th, 2001 - "Please tell my wife I love her" That is a few of the words this man in the World Trade Center said. He needed someone to speak for him. His life was over and he knew it. Do we really, REALLY need to ask why things like this happen? Have you asked why? Go outside and watch people for a week and you will get your answer. Try dressing weirdly and don't act normal. Or you can be blind. Who is going to speak for those who cannot speak? I pray it will be you. I pray very hard. Will somebody answer my prayer and do something for someone today? Because remember this: What are you going to do if you have a stroke and are rendered like that woman? Who is going to speak for you? i told you when I saw that nun cut someone off in traffic that this world was lost.r“T"i am free" "goddess descent into hell for 3 days" "dante's inferno" "have you ever been in love? its a story about punishment and hell as well" 'the harrowing of hell' to harrow: distress and torment, to split asunder. to divide. to separate yourself from god.rµT Neopets, the Macro Society. The whole world has got their eye on your prize and they all want it bad. Living on this earth may be expensive but it includes a free trip to an early grave. Does every idealist turn into an opportunist? I wanted to "change the world with my message" And I wanted to do it for free. My "future son-in-law" buys my daughters pussy with a few baubles and a "soul searching smile" . My favorite philosophy turns out to be a scam. Neopets is starting to SUCK! Don't ever evaluate your life too closely. Once you open your eyes you can't close them again. fiction can be more real than reality 12:40 pm Richard Bach (another sell out traitor) once said that fiction can be more real than reality I think it is because ppl are afraid to express their true selves IRL but in fiction they can attatch parts of themselves to the icons their fantasy mind makes. For instance. Create a "role playing character". Give it all the attibutes of yourself. Not just the good stuff but the bad as well. Go to your nearest gaming store and tell them you are looking for a DND game. Go play that character. After you get over the initial embarrasment don't you think it would be easier to do this than to walk up to a perfect stranger in the streets (or even a friend of yours) and tell them everything about yourself? Your deepest darkest secrets, exposed to the world for all to see an ridicule? ------------------------------------ BTW - Richard Bach, Leo Buscaglia, Thea Alexander, Dr. Wayne Dyer, L. Ron Hubbard, haven't said anything new since they discovered their formula for success. I went to Richard Bach's webpage long ago and it was talking about his new book in the same sentences he was talking about the need to rebuild his house. Fuck you people. You sold your souls to the man and have become parrots, mimicing your betters, the person you used to be. And Tammy ... Dr. Wayne Dyer, was Terry's mentor. Becareful who's path you follow. I think you had it more right sitting in the woods with an alter of twings and tin foil and your own vision of God. I think you need to get back what you had, not discover where to go from here. wicca should always be given freely if it is to be given at all. 12:52 pm I was reading a book I bought about wicca (now this is sort of a contridiction) but one piece of advice that I thought was very sound was if any wiccan offers to teach you to become a witch and charges you a fee it is a scam. ( a fee beyond supplies I mean ..and supplies you buy yourself, not through them) wicca should always be given freely if it is to be given at all. wicca=knowlege but see, we are in the information age! if you have information surely you can find some sucker that will pay you to know it. We are a nation of have to be salesmen. And we either have to sell ourselves or we have to find someone else to sell. Your soul is up for auction to the highest bidder from the moment you are born. Each child born today has $18,000 in federal debt 01:22 pm If you don't think your soul is for sale to the highest bidder from the moment you are born think on this: Each child born today has $18,000 in federal debt. And this was in 1996! I can't find the recent one. Now ... do you think you make out a check each month to the federal government when you get a job to pay this? No way! They do that for you. They take it out in taxes. But the debt still goes up! They are eating you to pay for the debt you owe AND make even more debts owed that you and your children have to pay. Whatcha going to do? You got to eat. Someone has to pay for you if you don'tr¶U?"its all to easy for us to condemn people for human nature" ~mer·UÜdo your peers determine your value system? if the ppl around you thought something was ok do you immediately think it ok as well. do you ask them a moral question and base your relief on their response? or your destress?røT If you are spending too much time on the internet and are concerned that it is affecting your concentration, you are not alone. The addictive nature of web browsing can leave you with an attention span of nine seconds - the same as a goldfish. "Our attention span gets affected by the way we do things," says Ted Selker, an expert in the online equivalent of body language at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in the US. "If we spend our time flitting from one thing to another on the web, we can get into a habit of not concentrating," he told the BBC programme Go Digital. uickly Bored With literally millions of websites at our fingertips, the attention span of the average web surfer is measured in seconds. "When I'm on the internet, my attention span is shorter for each thing because there are so many things to choose from," said one American web browser. "So instead of focusing on one thing and getting the most out of it, I find myself getting bored quickly because I know there are so many more things out there to go to." It seems that web surfers show a maddening unwillingness to stay put on any one website. Sticky Sites Ever on the lookout for engaging content, most online viewers spend less than 60 seconds at an average site. This is a challenge to commercial websites which are desperate to attract readers and keep them there. "People talk about this in terms of stickiness," explains psychiatrist Pam Briggs, of Nottingham University in the UK. "If a website has stickiness, it will keep your attention glued to that site rather than let you click on another one as your competitor is just one click away." Other digital distractions, like e-mail or instant messaging, are also vying for our attention. "E-mails are very seductive," says Pam Briggs. "You can't leave them alone when your computer beeps to tell you have a new message, even though you are working on quite an important task." Stay Focused And if all this was not enough, quickie movie breaks are a growing distraction. On Shortspan.com, the shortest film is 12 seconds long, while the longest is three and a half minutes. Shortspan.com's founder, Beth Hall, has seen the popularity of these shorts skyrocket over the past 10 years. "Primarily our audience is folks that already knew about Shortspan or are interested in movies and search for the word on the web. We also get lots of folks on their coffee break at work." If you find you are spending all night on the web, unaware of time melting away, experts have some advice for you. "Give yourself a question, give yourself a goal, write it down. Follow that goal, know why you're surfing," says Ted Selker. "Because if you don't know why you are doing it, you are going to be pushed around by the most exciting words in a never ending sea of information." Thanks to BBC Newsr¹TƒOk, this is going to sound a little strange. But for those of you who follow eastern religions it may be of interest. The yin/yang symbol is made up of the white top teardrop, which is the male aspect, and the bottom dark teardrop which is the female aspect. Within each of the teardrops is a circle the colour of the other teardrop. The simplistic explination is thus: The summer solstice (male aspect) begins at the top marked by the small dark circle and winter solstice the white circle on the bottom. Man can never mix into woman and woman cannot mix into man. Black and white. Unfortunately the seasons are a lot like life, they have a lot of grey areas to prove you can mix the two. But, I have always thought of it this way. There is a little bit of man in woman and a little bit of woman in man. Otherwise we would not be able to comprehend or recognize each other as friend and not foe at all. Now here is the weird part.... If you look at a womans clitoris it is sheathed by a tiny hood. If you pull back that hood and look at it from the top, it looks exactly like a tiny penis. And if you look at an uncircumsize penis (the way it was intended) from the top, it looks like a rose bud before blooming. A tiny part of man can be found in woman and a tiny part of woman can be found in man! Physical evidence of the yin/yang. Anyway, this was one of the revelations I found in a pipe dream =]rŗTremember the times when a man could quote his linage back for generations after generations? Was that to keep his past within him or to make him responsible for his name. As in if your great great grandpa did something you would still be responsible for it?r»TIt is also true that we are not always what we believe we are. That we believe we are going to die, but live. We believe we are going to fail, but make it through. Sort of suggests that maybe our life isn't as in our hands as I would truly like to believe it is.r¼T‚If the world stopped spinning, what WOULD happen to us? Would we be crushed? Would we fly off the face of it into space? I believe I can fly..... ohh...ahhh...acckkk... splat! 03:16 pm So much of what we are day to day depends on what we believe are. Like, sometimes right when I wake up and right before I open my eyes I am totally what I want to be. But then I start taking stock. It is not something I do on pupose, more probably something that happens as I become more conscious. I become aware of how fat I am I become aware of how much work I have to do to be the artist I want to be I become aware of how much I don't want to get up.r½TfI just saw a nun cut someone off in traffic. Dragon says it could have been a bank robber, or I say then it could have been a hooker or a stripper. I really hope so. I would like the think that nuns hold the last regimin against evil and they uphold what is good and right. But if that was a nun then I dunno. I am thinking now there is no hope in a nun will cut someone off in traffic. I mean now I am thinking if I decided to be come a nun and an old nun in a convent offered to go down on me I think I would lose it and run like hell. (Dragon says, "Yeah, and then you will be cutting people off in traffic!")r¾TgDo you think some music was written to be listened to stoned? Meaning do you think some music was written with stoners in mind? I was listening to the Matix soundtrack last night while bringing in the new year and I completely understood the music. Sometimes I think being stoned is as close to Grokking as humans can acheive in this point in our evolution.ræTx I believe we all are far too great a victim to the patterns we create in our lives. We create our patterns I think because we are creatures of habit and we need structure and habit in our lives to function in today's society. Anyway, I hear people talk about their lives and the things they want to do with it and the problems they are having with it and I am forced to think about a behavior I heard from the old bf. Take a look at your possessions. And for each thing ask yourself. Have you used this in the last 6 months? Are you going to use it in the next 6 months? If not, throw it out. Now I realize this is drastic behavior and in no way can apply to everything in your life. In fact in a way it seems to be counter-productive to getting anywhere in life. Our things are a conglomeration of our accomplishments in life in a way. But there is one possession where this philosophy seems to be a good thing. And that is the problems we possess. If you have "used" a problem in your life within the last 6 months and plan on using it again and again in the next 6 months you have possessed that problem for a year. People tend to come to me with their problems and I listen to them over and over, and unfortunately (for both them and me) usually it is also over and over and over, etc., etc., etc. Now what is wrong with this picture? Well I think if you are still holding on to a problem from the last 6 months and it is not solved by now, you have the next 6 months of your life to either work on it, solve it, or shut up about it. Its a pretty simple thing really. I like things simple. If you have this on going problem and you are talking to your friends about it a year from now and you are not working on it do NOT blame the person that is involved in this problem unless that person is YOU. Here's the thing. I am probably being judgmental in thinking this. There are a lot of people out there with problems that they just cannot solve. They are not capable for whatever reason (mentally, financially, etc.) But I think this works for most problems people have in their lives. Most of them are at least workable if not, for the most part, completely solvable. Here's another thing. If you think I am specifically talking about you then I am probably not. If you know I am talking about you I probably am, because I have said similar things to your face before. However it's a thought for everybody.rĄTzI have never understood why people take so much offence to controversial subjects. If no one ever said anything contrary to my own thoughts then I would never grow. But we strive to keep things "above board". (What is this board anyway? and how is it set?) When I was growing up my parents told me never to talk politics or religion with anyone. These were personal subjects. What they were trying to tell me is these subjects will cause fighting and contention. People run from contention it is a bad thing they are told. If someone is contending you then bad things happen. ? huh ? I don't get it. That is saying. I don't want to hear anything that doesn't correspond with what I do or would believe. (Because sometimes we hear things that we don't believe but in hearing them decide we DO believe them because they fit us) But how did you know? And what if you are bloody well "wrong" about what you believe and you hear something different and decide it fitted you MUCH better than the "truth" you believed before. Wouldn't you be grateful to know? Or how about if you were "right" and you heard a "wrong" "truth". Now you can look at that and say, "Boy and I glad I believe the way I do, because that is drivel. I think we should be grateful for contention. It helps us define who we are. Course if you don't want to know who you are, you are running away anyway and I just wasted my breath. =]rĮT§ There are so many misunderstandings that people take for granted. "Majority rules" being one of them. People hear that and they lay down their arms, their brains, and their dictionaries and assume it means "Majority is right" or "Majority is law". When I was 17 I made some decisions that caused a good handful of people a great deal of pain. But just because something causes pain does that mean that it is wrong? I left home at 17, choosing to live on the streets. It was a better thing for me to do than to live with a drunk of a father that beat my mother and caused chaos in the house at every turn. I figured if I had survived the chaos of my father for years and years, then I could survive living on the streets. I was right. For the next year or so I lived anywhere I could lay my head.... and people freaked. They freaked while knowing of survival shows where grown men braved the elements for months and months .... But one 17 year old girl sleeping on the streets scared them to death. I was not old enough, I was not capable. They were wrong. My mother was the one not capable.... she doesn't think she can survive without my father and still doesn't. I on the other hand raised 2 incredible young women, one of which I slept in a car with. I have NEVER seen them as anything else but whole people, human beings, strong and capable. And because of it my kids and I are CLOSE. We are not as close as we used to be because of someone I allowed in my life that I needed to heal from.... but still today we are closer than most people are and we are at our worse. My kids make GOOD decisions.... and not always the easier ones ... not always the ones that cause no one any pain. They chose what they feel is right. And sometimes if I sit down and think about it I end up realizing that too. There have been times my "children" were right when I was wrong, and I tell them that. My "kids" are 15 and 13. My convictions and my judgments have not gotten better since I was 17. In fact they have gotten worse. I now base my decisions on fear and the fear of pain. I don't necessarily act on what is right anymore. I am getting old and worn down. Because so many other people chose what it easy instead of what is right. "Kids" are growing up even faster these days. My oldest daughter practically runs her own household downstairs and she is 15. We did this to our kids people. Because while we were working on achieving the American dream we gave them time to think. And they did, and they grew. And they remembered ... that is wasn't so long ago in our evolution where "girls" that started to bleed were married because they were women, and they were ready to take the role they had been trained all their lives to take. Wake UP people and lay aside your fears and judgments that aren't really yours. Your "children" are human beings, and they are changing the world at a faster rate than YOU are. Most of what you do today will just be come home from work and not die!rĀTŹWouldn't the things that determine how "manly" you are actually be determined by the size of your balls? Or more accurately the testosterone production of said testicles? AND wouldn't what things that should be liked by someone "mainly" be determined by culture and not hormones? Take for instance the difference between Italian and British cultures. The Italians are stereotyped as very expressive men ... The more you display your emotions (usually in a macho kind of way) the more manly you are... but in Britain you are manly if you can control those emotions instead of letting them control you. I am saying it this way (linking manly to penis size/testicle/testosterone production) because most of the questions asked are about what things you enjoy doing and how you respond to the society you are in.... Technically that makes me a "bigger man" than most.... I scored 7 inches =] NOW ... lemme give you the tune from Cluey You-us to the News-us. It doesn't matter how long you are .... and it really doesn't matter how thick girthed you are ... you are NOT going to make a woman have an orgasm by vaginal penetration. AND for you ladies lemme clue you in too. The longer the penis the greater chance of "premature ejaculation". This is a plain physiological fact. And as proof I offer this ... Ever wonder why horses schlongs are so long? What do animals that have "no true sense of sexual pleasure" (i.e. they do not have sex for pleasure) need with a penis that large? Quite simply they need it for quick ejaculation. The greater surface area allows the stallion to penetrate and attempt to impregnate in just around 6 to 30 seconds (although 30 is stretching it) It seems that the greater surface area supplies more stimulation (more skin is getting stimulated at once) causing quick ejaculation which is needed to ensure they are not left vulnerable too long and be attacked by predators. It would appear that nature has given them the tool they needed to insure survival eh?rĆT*I think it is man's fate from God as reward or punishment to forever ponder his meaning in life. He questions his place, where he belongs in the grand scheme of things. And he questions who he is. And many times in this asking of what stuff he is made he will dare to dream about what he should be, what he wants to be. But mostly it becomes what he will never be. Sadly, for reasons that are perceived as beyond our control, most of us fall short of what we want to accomplish. We have many tragic reasons, the kids the job our surroundings the lack of a silver spoon, and even some of the utensils we freely use on ourselves, bad decisions made at crucial moments, the wrong turn at an innocent fork. But what if I told you that the blame was ok to take one step further? And that you could accept responsibility for the whole 10 course meal that is your life and still not puke over the thought and shame. What if I said that you not only are what you eat but you are also how you eat it! See the question of who we are is a very simple one as long as you do not try to look at a complex being as a sculpture made of stone. Rather look at is as one made of clay, constantly being molded from one shape to another by the decisions and whims of the artist. And by these decisions you become who you are today. You, as well as your fate, were written page by page letter by letter to make you who you are at any given time in your development. Written just as books you were. And just like any book you can look at it in its entirety, hold it in your hands, feel it and even taste it if you want to. You can see it is a whole book held right there in your hand as plain as day .... but you will never understand it unless you read it. You will never be able to tell what it is about unless you look inside! Page by page, word by word, you understand it just like it was written. You can see how patterns developed and how nations were made, a huge nation of a person build brick by brick, stone by stone by the decisions they make every day. Because that is who we are! We are what we chose to do and how we chose to act every day of our lives. Read your book, this is you! Se there ... that decision you made to cheat on your wife, that is you. The decision you made to not pay back that credit card because the company was unjust is you too. The decision you made to turn your back on that guy in the alley getting mugged. When you chose to do this or that or to move left instead of right or to go forward or retreat. They all are who you are. It was a question very simply answered wasn't it? Now the tough question is do you like you? Is this the you you dreamed and wanted to be? If so that may be great! If you are an ax murderer or a politician you might want to read on however. If who we are is made up of what we do every day then who we are becoming is a matter of how you chose to act and react. Will you act galantly when the boss fires you from your job when you just bought that expensive house in the Villiage? Go home and tell your wife but tell her that everything is going to be ok because what you are left with is what is real. Her and the kids and the knowlege you have in your head that knows you are going to pull it out of the hat as long as you stick together? When your tired as hell and your daughter spills juice all over the clean laundry you had just folded do you yell at her and flay her ass and not see her for the rest of the day. Does this happen over and over again until you don't really see her for the rest of your lives? Because didy ou know all that time she was hiding under the porch outside crying alone in the dark thinking that crying alone is all she will ever find from humanity? Decisions like these are made all the time and they are so eailsy done. Too easily. Moment by moment we chose who we are. but most of the time we are so quip about it. The decision of what to do flies out of us before we ever bother to think about how it makes us look. And how it makes us. Man is shaped by his actions as surely as his actions held a knife and his body were made of clay. And with every single action we define ourselves. Many people have an idea of who they are. they say the are noble, they say they are strong. The will claim to sensitivity or to intellegence. And they very well may be. But only if they claim to footwork as well. If you want to know where you are going look where you have gone. Because chances are until you see the pattern of your behaviors the next step you make will be made as easily as the one before it, by rote as patterns are usually made. And do you want that choice to be made so easily? I mean what if your path is like a plate set before a banquet? But this banquet holds very strange wares. Cake and cream and juicy roast beef and broccoli with cheese sauce.... and plates of mangled slug bodies and dead puppy parts and week old fish heads ... and shit. Now as it is your habit to just blindly scoop up whatever is put before you and shovel it in your mouth, claiming it sight unseen, chances are you are going to eat some gross stuff! Not to mention it's probably very bad for you. Is this sounding like your life? Then why are you eating blindly and THEN acting accordingly? You are what you do every day!! You are what you do every day!! You are what you do every day!! You are what you eat from your head down to your feet. Life is your dinner table, and we can chose what we eat and how. Even when the choices seem so limited, make them yours. We can sit and eat it with dignity, or we can rip at the table cloth in protest. Either way is valid, but make SURE of your decision. Because your dreams are becoming true, you are becoming what you should be. Life is like a book with all the pages blank in between, you are writting the Great American Novel ... and it is you! I told you the blame was not so hard to palate. Bona petite!rÄU0my faith was shaken but my convictions were not.rÅT¬funny though ... Jesus summed up the whole Word in two things. Love God Love each other yet Jesus weeps? wonder why? What did you do today to make the world easier for one other person? When you offer your hand did your feet follow? or your mouth? Today I laid on bed with a belly ache and did nothing. I ate too much last night when I got stoned. I should appologize to whomever I failed today. But Jesus will still weep.rĘUÖThis book will not "teach you how to draw". I don't teach developing technique, tips and tricks, or how-to's here. What I do teach you is how to get the picture in your mind onto canvas through touching textures.rĒU–Touching for visual reference is a visual tool for artists that involves learning textures through touch so they can be recreated later at the canvas.rČU&Survival Arts of the Primitive PaiutesrÉU*Making Indian Bows and Arrows, The Old WayrŹU9urlLink The Traditonal Bowyer's Bible, Volume 1 -2 and 3rĖU2Earth Knack: Stone Age Skills for the 21st CenturyrĢUNaked into the WildernessrĶU)who the hell even knows this blog exists?rĪT<this is insane, i'm having dreams about him, i can't concentrate in class, i can't stop thinking about him!!!! last night in my dream, i skipped school to go to Mary Ward and i pretended i was a new student just so we could be together, and he did anything, everything for me... It was Danyelle and him's anniversary yesterday. she blew him off for another odd reason. He said he was gonna talk to her about it, bitch, whatever, do Something about it... but i knew what must've happened today. he got angry, she was all nyah, 'oh i'm so sorry, i was just So busy and i couldn't get outta it. i swear there won't be a next time'. and he goes, yeah, yeah.. whatever. 'i'm not joking,...', and she grabs him, kisses him, reminding him of how 'hot' and how much a a whore she is, but how damn lucky he scored. and they make up. End of story, enough said. anything Else you need to know? but when i ACtually find out what happened... Then i will tell you... but i place my bets, and they are final. Je, Carol Wing Ka Kong, suis amoureux de Philip Michael Vito Loconte.rĻTB He.. is amazing. Yesterday was so incredible, and he is so unbelievably irresistible. I guess you could call it date #2. I had planned to go for a walk with him, just in the area, by the park, but after deciding that i wanted a Betta fish, we walked to pacific mall instead. so we walk, and we talk. it's awesome. He is so sexy and we are always flirting, and i can't keep my eyes, my mind, Or my hands offa him! Well i resisted for the time being, but i jsut couldn't stand it anymore! His hands, so soft, his seductive lips, God what was I to do?? so tempting... so delicious... (well i never Touched his lips :P too bad eh?) yeah,.. so SExxxY. and we all know what the XXX stands for;) chloe and bryan. sex maniacs, porn stars, whatever you want to call it, but you know it's existence. His birthday present for me.. he had planned to kiss me. And he said, when and where. And i when i wanted it, he couldn't pull through. why? Did he realize it wasn't right? not when he's still tied to danyelle. I don't get it. there's no point pushing him either. I just want him to mean it when he does something like that. To really mean it, coming from his heart. On that topic, I'm wearing a wish bracelet which i put on on my birthday before i went to bed. I know if anybody reads this, my wish is doomed to die. But i must let it out, because if i don't, i feel that my wish will have no hope of manifestation. I wished that the man whom I truly love, would finally love me in return. And I knew i couldn't waste this wish, but now that it's down in marble, I fear i might have. But we can all understand why this is so. Moulin Rouge, Christian, Satine,... "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return." it has started to fall apart, and the desire for it to shatter, and know that the one i love loves me in return has less strength that my desire to wait, and wait until I am ready to commit to love. On the other hand. Do i love Philip Loconte? Could i possibly love him? or.. puppy love, i suppose. But i surely hope not. I could do better. better looking, smarter, more sensible, understanding, somebody who'll take care of me better. But i am 15, could i possibly find a soulmate at my current age? This goes back to Alan Reynolds. How did i feel about him at that time...? I thought i loved him yet i was only blinded until i realized he could not possibly feel the same way. He was and is out of my league. But such strong feelings that such a young age were naive. I suppose i didn't comprehend them well enough to know my heart had only lied because my eyes had decieved me, thinking that he had felt more. I know there are 18 milllion other guys out there. but i damn still miss talking to Alan. anyway. Love. "Make love, not war" was what he said.. hehe ;) love you phil!rŠTThis situation is complicated, so i might as well write a 'schlick'. ..actually scratch that, that's TOO complicated for me. I am falling in love for Philip. Not even sexual healing. I want to be in his pants so incredibly badly. Yet my romantic desires overrule the sex. who wants sex when you can have Love? (okay, even I wouldn't raise my hand for that suggestion), but I really really really really really really really really really really like this pretty white italian boy. I like him so much, that I believe if i could spend more time with him, I will understand love, once again. but do i want to get into that now? he's in grade 11. i'm in grade 9. a 2 year difference, adn in 2 years he'll be in University. getting laid by all these hot girls, adn he'll love it. and i'll know nothing if we were going out. BUT if we were, he would respect it enough not to do that. Did i mention that his sexy baby Danyelle is a whore? :O whoops, oh my, it jsut slipped out. :P fine, she's hot, and out of phil's league, how could she fall for him? :P yeah, i don't want to break his heart, that danyelle'll dump him. Don't want to sound too enthusiastic, yet this is my only chance except for saturday ;) may 22. what should we do? hmm....? :D love you all, love him love myself love life.rŃTÅ%Bowling it is.... again . How come there is absolutely nothing to do in this isolated home some know as Sarsborough? In this area where Phil and I live, there are really only two potention things we can do, well 3. ......... * "Contestant #1, behind which door do you think the prized BMW Cabriolet stands....???" "uhhh... time to test my luck... *eyes closed, fingers crossed, pondering hard* Door.. number...3!" "This is the breathtaking moment which may or may not change the course of this lady's life.... aww.. I'm sorry. Unfortunately our contestant today hasn't chosen the right direction. On the other hand there is a consolation prize......" * ~Just so you know, ladies and gentleman, the consolation prize was a trip to the bowling alley. Club 300 Bowl at Old Kennedy and Steeles. It was a gift certificate for 2, 2 games each, and 2 pairs of shoes totally up to $16.84. All on the saturday morning of your choice. *cheer, applaud*~ Just in case your appetite has grown, Date #3, and Date #1 has followed the same course. Bowling, 2 games... a lot of.... touching, laughing, joking, touching... but with a tiny bit of kissing, and MUCH more caressing and touching this time. * "Contestant #2. Today may just be your lucky day. A chance to win a fully funded, including every single souvenir you buy, trip to Paris, France, the city of love , with your most intimate and passionate childhood lover." "times like these drive me mad... *eyes closed, fingers crossed, pondering hard* Door #2, I choose you!" "Don't go away, we'll be right here, and waiting for you to return, and watch the revealing of the prize behind Door #2...." *We'll be right back after these messages* "Okay who's up for the second round of... (insert stupid game show name here).. We've tortured contestant #2 enough for today, so we'll get started with opening the mysterious door." " WHAT? YOU PROMISED ME A TRIP FOR 2 TO FRANCE, NOT THIS *FUCKING SHITFACE* OF A PRIZE. WHAT THE *FUCKING HELL* DO YA TAKE ME FOR YOU *DAMN FUCKED UP FUCK* [censored] FUCK YOU! " *snow flakes the screen, blurred, black outs..* "We're sorry *fucking big grin on his face* .. technical difficulties for you guys watching behind the big screen from your couch. Unfortunately, incase you missed it, Contestant #2, overreacted when he heard he unfortunately did not win his lucky grand prize of today. Now let's show you what he does recieve." * ~Ladies and gentlemen, the prize behind door #2, is of course admission into the grounds of Pacific Mall just at the corner of Kennedy and Steeles. Yes.. we know the doors are open to the public, but hey this option is for the low cost, free of charge, in other words, cheap people who work excruciatingly hard every sunday for 8 hours, teach a well developped skill of swimming . Congrats to contestant #2. *cheer, applaud*~ Well, yes option #2 is to wander the aisles of Pacific Mall. The dreaded community of mall rats jabbering away at an unknown dialect. Seemingly completely foreign to the lands of Canada, so therefore finding solace under the tuscan sun... Whoops. I meant on the floors of a Chinese owned, and regulated mall. Whatever it is to you, the real question is, what is there to do in such a place? Shop, eat, arcade. Well.. shopping is not an option when you have $5 in your pockets. Eating is not and option if I plan to make a change to my physical aspect. And... Let's not go towards the arcade section. Either way, walking and talking *wow, can carol rhyme!* is my first choice, although there are better places, soon to be revealed behind Door #1..... * "Are you ready for the moment of truth? Today's prize for Contestant #3, is your own private jet, flying wherever you want, whenever you want, however you want, and in whichever direction you choose, whether you want to take the longer route, the shorter route, or the extreme route to the end of the world. Gas, pollution all prepaid onto my tab.. as well as whatever other needs, youre desires shall be fulfilled. Box of ice cream, check. Box of kleenex, check. Box es of condoms, check. You name it, I supply it." "the right choice huh... what shall it be this time?? what did the others choose?... *eyes closed, fingers crossed, pondering hard* Door #1. and it better not screw me over." "Well... you chose the last door standing, now let's reveal whether or not it really Does contain that prize or not...." "huh? is that what the inside of a jet looks like?" * ~Oh come on.. you didn't really think either of the 3 doors had something valuable in cash behind them. But todays theme of consolation prizes is all just a matter of time. Time. Quality time. For a little more information, the consolation prize for Contestant #3 is.... A walk in the park. Whichever park you choose, the one with trees, a canopy, a covering, a campfire. Or the traditional, playground, with lots of toys... big toys.. and all that jazz. Yes, piggy backs inclusive. and whatever else you want.~ Gimme a break. Yes, we know walking is always the option, through the park, and whatever other terrain you want to explore. But please, isn't there anything else you could remotely do in scarborough? get shot. Not a bad plan... as a matter of fact, I won't be needing to plan it if I decide to walk through Tuxedo Court to get to McDonalds or where ever else for lunch one day.. Seeing that I live in the school where kids are golf clubbed in their heads, beaten with whatever else, and shot in the apartment adjacent to the school. ... I think I have that remote chance for it to happen. Sounds good? But yes... the traditional walk. I like it. I'm a sucker for sappy love stories. I'm a sucker for romanticism. The old stuff. Hand holding, 80s style, whatever else. It's a good way to know each other, have fun, whatever else.... Just to get to the point, I'm here to relieve all the bottled up emotions. Whether it's pain, fear, joy, sadness, stress, discomfort, happiness, love? I am loving every minute of it. yet on the other hand, I need to ask myself that one question. of whether I actually want love or lust? I know in myself that I want love, but why is it. that when I see that face, that seductive smile. that seductive face. it's that "I wanna fuck you so badly" face. or the "Can't I kiss you" face. Why do I fall for you so much??? I must tell you. you Aren't drop dead gorgeous. you Aren't glamourously beautiful. But... but that smile. It isn't your teeth from years of braces, and elastics and struggling. It's just that smile you cast out to me.. so seductive... but only because seeing that smile means knowing that you're having fun, having a good time. means you do have fun with me, means you do care, and it means everything else in the world is at peace. I drown staring at you. I drown staring at your face, you eyes, staring into your eyes... why I can't I stop staring? Why can't I stop smiling, and just kiss the goddamn face outta you? ask me this... And know what i'll say? I don't know. no, not that I don't know what to say. but In fact i'll say it. I don't know. Is is because I am in love? Or... because I am just so pretentious adn I wish everything between us could be perfect, jsut the way I want it. or WHAT? what do I want out of you, Philip? and how come I can't get it? and how come I'm the one chasing the guy? Aren't guys supposed to chase for the girls? I am so confused.... Why do I keep kissing you... All the time. . I know it only pains me to know... why do you do this? because it pleasures you?. because it pleasures me because i'm not thinkig? or what? just because i'mnot thinking about it, not about later. shouldn't be the reason to torture me... torment me. Screw with me? (my mind.. not.. physically.....), and what's wrong with me? how come I can't just stay out of your pants? Is it because it's that face you give me.... the seductive face again? and i jsut love seeing it so much. or something but I wanna please the hell outta you so badly sometimes, and I guess I can't do anything about it... but. just WANT you soooo badly. so Unbelieveably badly it kills me to the bone. Yes it's all you. all your fault i'm so messed in my heart, messed in my head. Yet i know you care, I know you don't want to hurt me, I know you care. but why can't you just resist me for once??????? why cant I do it??? oh yes. here it bites me in the ass once again. "I can resist everything except temptation." Big fucking deal. Is that the only reason though? that single liner. the one I use day in day out to explain all my actions. Unfortunately I'm starting to realize that perhaps this is just a cover to hide what I feel, what I want, the want to be a rebel sometimes, and... I don't know.. I am so confused. wow. What can I say? one word sums up who you are. One word tells me exactly about you. everything I've ever known about you. seductive . I just love watching you struggle. Not Just struggle, but I love watching you have so much fun. I love that face, and how come I can't open up and put to worse how I feel sometimes when i'm with you? Why am I always left speechless at the bowling alley? is there a reason to hide what I'm thinking or do I go blank staring into your eyes like that? Don't know Can't tell How can i? Here's a poem for ya, think about it... In conclusion, I live the life... And you know it ;) I had a blast as I always do, and Philip just makes me smile So hard my mouth hurts afterwards. I love this guy. I like him. He likes me. I love him. He likes me.rŅXéi think i did ruin my wish. Otherwise reversed it. But with love comes hatred and sorrow. Let me start from the beginning.. I went over to Phil's today. got on his bed, did some stuff.. "stuff" i'll stick to for now. But what it really consisted of was... kissing, caressing, nudity, blowjobing, and handjobing... alright. so we were doing 'stuff' when his sister came home.. it was pretty hilarious. and i sneaked out the door. But don't you think we went a little far? a little far considering, today was the first time he's ever kissed me. ever done anything further than hugging me and holding my hand. Perhaps too far? if I could've resisted him... would I be in the dilemma I think I'm in now? So i just spoke to him.. and I asked what our current status was.... Philip says: (6:09:32 PM) Ā Ā Ā dunno.. Philip says: (6:09:44 PM) Ā Ā Ā are...we...still....friends? WHOA, I was hoping at least a little more after all that we did this morning.. Philip says: (6:10:29 PM) Ā Ā Ā i dunno Philip says: (6:10:37 PM) Ā Ā Ā if i want anything more than friends right now Philip says: (6:10:51 PM) Ā Ā Ā im sorry.. what did you say?.. Sorry? funny I don't believe it. no more than friends? of course not, just fuck buddies. karol says: (6:11:07 PM) Ā Ā Ā oh so all you really wanna do is just fool around with me? Philip says: (6:11:18 PM) Ā Ā Ā no.... Philip says: (6:12:27 PM) Ā Ā Ā i dont know carol don't know, eh? that's quite appalling, I was quite sure I had the correct answer. karol says: (6:12:37 PM) Ā Ā Ā so what Do you want? Philip says: (6:12:49 PM) Ā Ā Ā i gues Philip says: (6:12:51 PM) Ā Ā Ā right now.. Philip says: (6:13:00 PM) Ā Ā Ā just... to be friends karol says: (6:13:34 PM) Ā Ā Ā just to be friends adn to fool around whenever you want. Philip says: (6:13:47 PM) Ā Ā Ā look im sorry sorry again? sure you even feel that way? Philip says: (6:14:04 PM) Ā Ā Ā maybe it would be better if you didnt come over tomorrow ding ding ding! is this the first thing 'Right' you've said to me today? karol says: (6:14:16 PM) Ā Ā Ā Yeah.. perhaps Philip says: (6:14:51 PM) Ā Ā Ā k Glad you don't want me over. I don't want over anymore. not if all you want is just to fuck with my mind and everything else. karol says: (6:15:11 PM) Ā Ā Ā i mean it's not like it really matters to you anyway Philip says: (6:15:29 PM) Ā Ā Ā look carol Philip says: (6:15:36 PM) Ā Ā Ā im sorry still? and not at all dishonest? Philip says: (6:15:39 PM) Ā Ā Ā what do you want me to say oh the possibiilties.. what about '*cloying 80s' romantic* oh carol i love you i'm so sorry, won't you forgive me? You know I'm just being a fool.' or 'sorry I was so decieving, maybe I Shouldn't have led you on so far like that.' or NOTHING. Philip says: (6:15:43 PM) Ā Ā Ā and believe me i do care care my ass. but I believe you, I suppose you care. karol says: (6:16:22 PM) Ā Ā Ā there is nothing to say Philip says: (6:16:45 PM) Ā Ā Ā ok good. dont wanna hear from you anymore. not now at least. Getting myself tied up in a knot. I think it is my own fault. I'm just incompetent. Perhaps posting this will only make my situation worse. I don't see what good it will do. But what good is just deleting this in 3 minutes? I feel so used. Yes I had fun. And some would say that's all that matters. But I feel.. like nothing. like i'm worth nothing. I'd love to stay friends. but stop deceiving me! I don't want to be friends and a little more knowing that i'm replaceable. Knowing that i'm not near the best, or that i'm just so ordinary, like everyone else disgusts me. I can't live without standing out. I couldn't live without being special. but what can I say. there is nothing to say. irresistible yet repulsive.rÓTźDamn am I glad none of you know about this site. (cept henry, but he won't tell, or he's already forgotten). So yeah. Ever heard of that proverb? I read it in The Alchemist. "Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time." So clueing you in from the very beginning. Tomorrow is Phil's birthday. July 27. Happy 17th. So we went out, had a GOOD time, and we came to the conclusion that since it's his birthday, he can do Whatever he wants (cept fuck me) However he wants it. and that he could even ask me to do Whatever he wants (cept fuck me) However he wants it. So he did. or actually, I offered to the birthday boy.... And my tongue was all over his face, all wet, and that was turning the pump on. he closed his eyes. I opened my mouth. ...... So we get to a certain point. and we're behind the trees that are behind the hospital, or at least the ambulance thing. And then while we are getting far, and having such a fuckin awesome time. ..... These kids are walking towards us! YES! BUSTED AGAIN. So Phil's like. oh shit! not again!!!!! haha. so we start running, and then THEy start running. And that REALLY made my day. That was the fucking funniest thing that i've done for such a LONG time. okay, it wasn't very FUN, but it was damn FUN-NY. jezuz. I can't believe it. Last time, we were on his bed and it's his sister, and now this time, it's these crazy kids chasing after us! So yeah. I better keep my eyes open. or better yet stay away from that for a while. Since you know how that saying goes. It's damn well gonna happen another time. The question now is WHO. What if the next time it's our parents?? yes, how I could fancy that. that would be the end of us, I'm sure of it. yeah... I love it. I love being with Phil. he keeps me in line. I mean Other times I'm this crazy girl who sometimes you guess you just can't control. And at Other times, i'm fully stressed becuase my expectations are way too high and i'm too ambitious. So he keeps me where I should be. Relaxed, but not forgetting my responsibilities. I'm glad I have so much fun with Phil :) Thank you. And happy birthday, it's gonna be a fuckin good one. I guarentee it ;)rŌTThe situation at hand is too much for me to say, too much for me to handle, and it's just confusing me so much, I don't get it. I can't tell you because it's so... weird. What should I do?? help me please......... help me. *go here is you are confused. I sure am.rÕT...I know. I can't seem to change my template and make my own. I don't know why, perhaps cuz I'm cheating and frustrated. I need more butterflies. Go to my xanga by pressing the link. This is what my site will look like soon. I hope! Bear with me... you have been uncovered on my Xanga. I hope I do not regret this. althought some entries date back So far.. I am going to make those private. They will humiliate and embarrass me. -----okay they are gone, they never happened and you don't know anything about them.rÖTj .. is what I am. No doubt, because I had such a wonderful time, and I was just so pissed that he knew so little about me, yet could I blame him? well Yes and No, because he just seemed to forget everything I've told him, but because he has a bad memory? or we discussed these things at a time where he didn't even care about me? or what? Either way you could somewhat blame it on me, because perhaps I only told him once, or something (didn't he?). But that's not the point, and now he's angry that I am mad at him. Now what am I supposed to do? "you know.. im not as stupid as you take me for.. if you wanna be mad.. fine w/e" :'( No, I don't want to me mad, and I know you're not stupid and thank God for that. I'm so sorry that I made you feel so bad, but that was thursday's trouble, and today's saturday, and I just had an amazing time today. You're fun to be with, and I that's what I love so much about you. I'm so sorry it's hard for you to see that. I know that sometimes I try to hide my fun factor because it makes me so vulnerable, and it hurts to know that you're... jsut using me? But you don't seem to want anything with me except for.. that. And it's not fair for me because all I seem to do is pretend. I lie to myself, make things better, make things better than they really are. But it's all just a stupid lie. a STUPID lie. I'm just making things difficult for me, for Us. If you don't get angry, or if you can actuall withstand my stupidity, then all the better, because the only thing it'll mean in the future is how much we can fight together and still live afterwards. I'm so sorry. I know you care, but still you don't because I know you hate it when girls get mad at you and it's completely beyond your control. completely beyond? not quite . And I am going to apologize again, because I am such an idiot. I can't help it and I suppose it's just within my nature. I don't want you to be telling me "fine w/e" because at that point, I realize that it's Not fine, and you don't want w/e to happen. I'm not happy, and I know you aren't either because of it. Sorry, don't bother trying to make me happy again because that would just be a waste of time. I will be delighted to just see you smile. Philip, I know I can be confusing, and, yeah I guess two-faced :P and whatever type of crap you have in store to call me. Just say it. I'm an emotional bitch.r×Xū.. You heard me, confusion. That's the one word he chose to describe me. And I guess he is right. I am confusing. TrĆ©s . So it's becuase I'm naive, and I think too much, and I get too worked up, and i'm So nervous, and I guess it's because I'm so unsure of my life! Sorry, if you're reading this. I deeply apologize for my talents in confusing people. okay! time to be cheerful again. Cuz that's who I am, no matter how confusing, I am always sooooo cheerful. :D "I can't believe how chee s y you were at 7am. Oh well I guess you're used to it." "I can't believe how chee r y you were at 7am. Oh well I guess you're used to it." (i swear, in the yearbook it looked like cheesy the first 10 times I read it. but matt swears it's cheery.)rŲTwhat the hell is wrong with me??? That was my one big chance and I completely blew it, once again. It's nothing new, Carol's on a roll, and once again she blows her one good chance because of her insecurity, or some other reason, or the hell I don't even know what the fuck it is. I finally get to the point where he's mad about me, whether or not it's just sexually, I still drive him crazy. And there's something WRONG with me. I get all PISSED just because he forgot when my birthday was. Oh yeah, btw, it Started when he forgot my number. What next is he gonna forget my NAME too? *rolls eyes* CUT. Wait, roll that back a touch. Look closely in that corner. What's she doing with her eyes? Rolling them, AGAIN? this girls got some major shit wrong with her head. what is WRONG with me??? I still can't get it, I like this guy so much. More than he'll ever know, more than anybody will, because, I thought at least, we had an amazing relationship. At least I had thought that because I thought he knew a lot about me, I thought he cared, and knew me well.... but he knows so little. And maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm so paranoid, or maybe, God please don't let this be, I'm right. But whatever my mind is trying to tell me, or whatever those signs outside are, I keep thinking that, He doesn't want to change the fact that he knows little about me. That he doesn't want to know more, he never did, and never will. I'm praying that i'm just being paranoid, I really hope it's just that too. I'd be depressed, and i'm not joking one bit, if he truly felt that way. I'd bawl my eyes out, until I went blind. Somehow, someway, I just want him to read this so much, for him to know that I love this guy. I care for him so much, and perhaps he just cares for everybody, but he cares for me too.. and so what if he makes me feel so special sometimes, but right now I feel like a dump. A pop can trashed onto the floor of a strip club. Trash, yet way beyond that. Trashed for being fucked with. Trashed for being toyed with. Trash for just getting a little carried away with somebody who I really care about but doesn't seem to care that much about me. or does he? how am I supposed to know? AGH know what pisses me off the most about him? his STUPID phrases. "maybe" "i dunno" I HATE THEM TO HELL. It's just that, they.. scare me. I'm scared to think of what really lies under the cover up. Yes? No? Maybe? I do know that you don't want to hear it? I'm trying to get you to stop talking about it because this topic sucks and the truth will kill you? I'm fucked and I don't want you helping me? I'm a boring person so it's your call? I hate you and will never tell you? You're confusing me, now ask me again, without any of that context? I don't want to tell you cuz it'll kill you, and it won't be anywhere sweet? I don't want to tell you because it's embarassing? I don't to tell you because you'll get pissed? You'll Get Pissed Because I'm Just Waiting To Fuck You Inside Out, And That's All The Use You Are? The truth will hurt, and I'm not ready to see you hurt? I don't know? *tear* Hearts don't break. Most times they just bend. If he ever read this I would be devastated, I'd be vulnerable to him. Too vulnerable, more than I already am. You already know he's got me. he's taken me away, swept me off his feet, away where he can fuck me til the days dies, and then throw me into the gutters for prince charming to rape me and let me die of aids. AM I TOO MUCH OF A DRAMAQUEEN? is my constant pestering, and constant jabber what's driving him away? maybe. Maybe i'll just stop talking for once. Okay, dear diary, it's said the deal's done. the next time I talk to him, I won't talk so much. No, straight, direct, no dramatic stories, exxagerations, Whatever it is. I don't care. I just won't talk. I don't get it. I want him to know how I feel yet I'm at a loss of words, or I don't want to tell him, I don't know how, I change the topic. or something Ijust can't tell him. or he can't take me seriously, or Something gets in my way.. :'( I don't get it!!!!!!!!!! I want Philip to just spill his mind out to me, I want to know everything, everything. Even if it doesn't relate to me. just Everything. No more secrets. Secrets hurt. Maybe writing it out is My medium, but I know talking is his.. tell me Philip, tell me you love me tell me everything that you're thinking of, anything, everything, just Tell me how you feel about me. Truthfully, no lies, no secrets. I just need to know. otherwise these paranoid thoughts will never leave my head. I'm not joking they only get worse. I'm going to grow up to be a schitzophrenic. that's what. i'm 99% sure on that too. whatever, I love you still and I want you to read this, but I don't want you to know how I feel so precisely to this point.rŁT...after such a wonderful 'date' out with Phil. watching farenheit 9/11. And we had an amazing time, and we're going mad for each other. A little too crazy at sometimes. (parents out to pick up my sister, so we had the house to ourselves for a while). Anyway on to the real story.... I started talking to Andrew Elliot again since I wanted to go to Wonderland with him to make good use of the wasted seasonspass that I shouldnt have bought in the first place. And then.. I dont' exactly know how, but talking to him somehow lead to asking him out/?? Okay i'm not even going to try to explain because I don't know What was happening in my mind! We were talking and I dont' know why but I started to remember that he had once asked me out, and I rejected him althought it wasnt' a blatant 'no' . And i STill don't know why but I brought that up!!! OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?? how STUPID of me... and then to top it all off... "anyway, does teh invitation still stand?". what WAS i thinking? we all know that nothing of this sort is ever going to end happy. I'm crazy about Philip, but somehow I just can't seem to admit it's the truth becuase he won't. he's pressuring me to denying my feelings for him, in a way. It's becuase he hates talking about it, I don't know what the hell is going on in his mind (besides the dirty thoughts). And so I don't want to honestly tell him how I feel without joking, or fabricating anything in fear that he doesn't feel the same way, potentially harming our relationship as close friends right now. So now, I suppose I just was afraid of what's happening, I need somewhere to vent all the bottled up emotions, and what better than to let them out on somebody else?? Except look at all the disasters I may have caused. If Phil does indeed like me, then he's not gonna be happy at what i just did. And if Andrew really wants me, then he's not going to be happy when I reject him a second time, or blow our plans, or stand him up or SOmething I may do in the future. And now you can already tell i'm not happy, seeing that I need to write it out to you, it's already a problem. And then? i'll keep thinking of Phil, things Aren't going to work out with Andrew, he'll be sad, i'll be guilty, i'll want Phil more just to vent out MORE emotions, and then blow him (and do a terribel job), or get him to eat me out and then he'll want to turn it down a notch cuz we're going to fast. and God knows that's not a good thing.... UGH, if I can already predict exactly what will happen, then why am I still doing it? Is it because I was unable to think of this earlier when I needed to know. Or is this supposed to happen, so I can remember in the future not to make the same mistake at a risky time? Or maybe its supposed to help me remember and want Philip more, which is a better relationship and will keep us together longer? I don't know. God help me, lead me through cuz I don't know what to do. Is trusting my instincts the way to live it? or should I have been more rational. And what now? trust my fickle mind not to be all over Andrew at Wonderland? or ensure myself that i'll keep my greasy, selfish paws off of him even if he wants me too.? Or just pounce on him and lead him on. then what do I do about Phil? I like him a lot. And God knows how I can't keep my hands off, my mouth off, and any other part of my body away from him. he's just so warming and caring, it's hard not to resist. And then add in then Crazy about each other Factor, the Extreme Wanting, the Mad Kissing, the Driving Each Other Insane..... :s okay. I know I could never go out with Andrew. Younger boys rarely appeal to me. but Andrew always makes me smile. he lets it go my way all the time. (is that good or bad). And Philip.. well, 5 words. He keeps me in line. (whether calming me down, or uping the mood). (sigh).... school with Andrew all year next year is going to be harsh without one single dirty, or clean thought about him. Oh well.. let's just let it unfold the way God wants it too. thanks for the advice and consolation. I'm still nervous though.rŚT®Hiya! 'Sup?? Well um...nothing much is happenin around here. We went to Hibbets in the mall and i got a jacket there. And...o yeah chris got his bass(finally) 2day. And my mom got a "Patriot Fan Package" 2day. From this lady in Mass. Mom ws really excited bout it. she got a cup, key chain, shirt, and a car decal thing. But chris or justin hid it and won't let her put it on the car. lol Um...and we're going 2 WL 2morrow w/ a bunch of peeps. Stace and Ed r coming up w/ me. And then i guess we're meeting other peoplz there. And then Ed's spendin the night! yeah! And..um..i think thats bout all that we're gonna b doing. I'll let u no wut happened @ WL sometime soon. g2g ttul! BerrŪTĢHello!!! 'Sup? wow i've had a LOT goin on like the last couple of days. Sat we did a ref clinic up @ AB Tech. it ws um...interesting...2 day the least. lol the guy ws like really corny! but that ws a good thing cuz i would've like fallen asleep if he wsn't. Like every 1 in our lil "group" passed. Chris and Teak got like 12 wrong, the max aloud. And becky got like only 1 wrong! and she ws like the most worried! After that we went to the Biltmore mall, and ate @ Chick-fil-A. And after that we walked around 4 a lil bit. then we dropped off Jared and picked up Justin @ the Musselwhites, and on the way home Mr. Musselwhite let us put in tobyMac, and we like put up the bass like all the way! it ws soo awesome! And then we didn't go 2 church on Sun cuz it ws snowing, and i did some work 4 my dad on the internet. fun! lol and 2day i did skool and kicked the soccer ball outside. that ws interesting! the ball like "floated" on the ground. but ne way. i g2g ttul! BerrÜT4Hey 2day we went 2 WL, and i snowboarded again. It ws ok. I didn't fall 2 much, so im not 2 sore. but other than that it ws rather un-eventful. although somthin happened that i didn't want 2 happen, but w/e. and 2morrow is the Ref Clinic. Im excited about that. But um, ok well, i guess i'll ttul cya AmberrŻTīHELLO!!! Guess wut!? Im hyper! surprise surprise! lol and guess wut else!? i spilled a salad @ chik-fil-a 2day. and it went ALL over the place. it was awful! but kinda funny, although not @ the time. and we're going 2 WL 2morrow! yeah! but ne way. o man! there's this really cool soccer trick kinda thing that chris and i can do! its so awesome! yeah so. Um...so...yeah Laura is really making me mad right now! she won't tell me somthin, and she's LYING!! LAURA!!!! ok g2g cya l8t! bye!! BerrŽTzHEY!!!! sry i haven't been on IM or updated in a while. Im like really behind in my chemistry and all that so i got "grounded" from the internet. o man i got so mad @ my mom 4 that. but...i guess i deserved that...lol. but neway. ok well...o yeah..in my brit lit class...every1 but me dropped out of the Tues. class so now im the only 1 an now im gonna have 2 move 2 the Wed class. so...but hey, now my Tues r free after 1!! lol Fri we had band practice...finally! we haven't had it in like 4ever. omg Fri. night we had a bible study @ the Hostetlers house, an Corrie an i were having an "argument" about how 2 spell Chick-fil-A. Corrie said that it ws spelled "Chick-fil-A" an i thought it ws spelled "Chik-fil-a" and...its spelled wit a "ck" not just "k". but o well. o yeah...and we played soccer in the basement, and i...um...broke 1 of the hostetlers doors. it ws 1 of those kinda doors where there are like slats going up and down the door. and i like popped out a couple of the slats. i felt so bad! but Joe an jared got it fixed, so. but neway. ok well i g2g. um i prolly won't b on a whole lot so if u wannna talk..call me. ttul! AmberrßT>Ok u guys...please ignore that last post...unless ur like really bored an r lookin 4 somthin 2 amuse u...seriously..its like really weird. haha. but...some of u know that i can b like that...lol. ok but neway...read it @ ur own risk...haha. ok that ws pretty stupid 2. ok id better got off this thing...cya l8r! amberrąT‹Hello!! Ok 2day chris had his 3 R's class an i ws SupposeD 2 have my Brit Lit class...but im like the only 1 in that class so i g2 move 2 Wed...which i don't really wanna do..but i g2 take the class, or so says my mom...lol but o well. SoOo...o yeah..chris had an indoor soccer game 2day. My dad an i got there like 5 mins till the end of the game. Chris had 2 games an they lost both of them. the 1st ws like 7-4 an the second ws 9-3. so yeah...they kinda stink, or @ least the Def does. but ne way. o yeah...we went up 2 Dick's 2day...my fave store!!...an there were these AWESOME pair of shoes there...but they were like 90 bucks. haha but i wanna get them ne way. i don't really think its gonna happen ne time soon though. but o well. I can dream. Hey! we're goin 2 WL on Fri, i can't wait! cuz...some1's gonna b there! yeah!!ok im really sry! im a lil hyper 2night...so...well i g2g...ttul!! bye! BerrįTlhey peoples! yeah i no..its the second time i've been here..but o well! I can't wait! there's like only 2 weeks till the soccer ref clinic! Thats gonna b so awesome...theres like so many people going 2 that...@ least that i know. i mean..yeah ok nm. id better go...b4 i freak u guys out..i think i've already freaked out 1 of my friends on IM..so...cya l8r!! BerrāTåHey peoples! 'Sup?! yesterday i got these dvd's 4 soccer, an they're called "Soccer Secrets" or sumthin like that....but ne way, they're pretty cool. they like teach u diff techniques an stuff like that. i watched em 2day, an they've got like a music video, and Mia Hamm does this really cool lookin kick. it ws really neat..but ne way...O yeah! an the Panther's played an AWESOME game last night! the end score ws 29-23. they played against the Rams, and man. It ws sooo cool. they went in2 2 OT. It ws so funny though, cuz the panthers, in like the first OT tried 4 a FG, and Casey missed. So the Rams got the ball an then they tried 4 a FG, an chris ws so sure that they were gonna get it...but they didn't. It fell short by like a couple of feet or somthing like that. Then the Panthers got the ball back an they got a TD. It ws an awesome game. An the Patriots beat the Titans like 17-14 i think. and the Packers r playing the Eagles 2day. I hope the Packers win...well i g2g cya l8r! AmberrćU)O wow...i am like sooo weird! haha. BerräTZHey peoples! As u can prolly tell from the title thingy...ima lil hyper 2day. but o well. thats not unusual. Ok um...i'll prolly just stay wit this blog 4 a while...so um...i dunno if i'll ever post in that other 1 again...but u can check it out from time 2 time ifn u want 2. K well...i'll write more l8r...when feel like it...so cya l8r! Amberråe(TŚHey! Wussup!? Friday we went 2 WL and omg it ws soo awesome! The snow ws PERFECT! I went down a new slope 2. It ws like the 2nd most difficult. But it ws really really kool. Joseph and Corrie Holder and Jared H. went w/ us. Omg and next week they're(WL) is gonna hve a FULL day for only a HALF day price! I really really hope that we can go. But idk...cuz i hve soccer practice and classes... :( I asked mom if i could skip my Wed class...ha ha ha...she said no. lol But o well...maybe we'll go Fri...and I'll jus let Laura teach YB. ;) haha K well i g2g ttul! Ber "Hey Soundman turn me up man, let it surround them. Right here right now." John Reu "Feelins, inside my head! I don't know but I'm thinking bout you." Relient KręTŒHey peoplz! 'Sup!? We had soccer try-outs yesterday and 2day @ Faith. And man...I am soo sore and tired. But its a lot of fun. Im pretty sure I made the team...Stace said that Mrs. Heidi wants me 2 b a forward...so yeah! And uh...um...man im soo tired! We did a lot of fun drillz and stuff. Our first game is like March 11. I can't wait for it! K well im not gonna write ne more...so ttul! BerrēT]Hello! Friday we went to the Winter Jam and it ws AWESOME! Relient K, Audio A, Newsong, and some other people were there but i can't remember who they are. lol But man Audio A ws soo cool! They were my fave. And Relient K played Sadie Hawkins Dance!!! I ws sooo happy! I luv that song! O yeah and sat way up in da balcony! It ws soo cool. After the Jam we went to Wendy's to eat. And on Sat. we had Justin and Taylor's b-day party. We had lotsa kids runnin around the house...it ws crazy. Then this guy, Joey, came over and did like a reptile show. It ws pretty cool. Well thats bout it..g2g ttul! AmberrčT~Im FREE!!!! Im not grounded ne more! yeah! lol Um ok well Friday ws the first day of Friday Classes. it ws pretty cool. Laura and I taught Yr. Book and tyler sain ws being rude and talkin a lot...as usual. I ws gettin pretty mad @ him. But ne way. Um then that night we had the V-day skate party...and it wsn't all that gr8. I ws kinda bummed about lots a stuff. then Ed and Erin C came over and we did like a "girlz night" thing. We stayed up and watched movies all night. Ed and i were up till like 6 am and got up @ like 9. it ws crazy. but fun. found out some stuff that i didn't want to...but ne way. well i g2g ttu guys l8r! AmberréTHiya peeps! Um I won't b able 2 get on IM 4 like a week...cuz i got grounded...lol. But ne way...Im @ laura and becky's house doin yr book stuff for this Friday. Can't wait for the classes 2 start up! It's gonna b awesome! I hope...lol. K well i g2g ttul ~Ber~rźTéHelp!! Im like really really bored! There's no one on IM! We have Friday classes this Friday, and the V-day skate party @ 5 that night. O and I asked Faith's soccer coach, Mrs. Heidi, when soccer try-outs start and they start the 23, and they'll know what the team is the 26. I can't wait! I jus hope I'll make the team. Stace says I will...but...idk. But neway. Chris has a soccer game 2morrow and Ed's gonna come. And yeah...um...well there's not much else to talk about. cya l8r! AmberrėTMy computer is being stupid to day. Its being really s...l...o...w. And that aggravates me. And Becky's on! yeah! I asksed my mom if I could go to the homeschool prom in april, and she said that i could. I can't wait. Um...theres nuthin else to write about..so ttul BerrģTŲHiya peoplz! K well yesterday we had class registration, then after that we had band...and I officially quit...lol...i mean like i'm not playing the piano/keyboard cuz Corrie and I were doing it 2gether...but i jus decided to let corrie do it all...she didn't like that too much. then shepherd ws supposed to leave @ like 5, but didn't and so we were late goin to the movies up @ biltmore. but o well. We went to c Miracle, and man...if u like Remember the Titans, u'll like this one 2. It ws awesome. Susannah, Abi, Laura, Becky, Corrie, Chris, and Joe all came and saw it. And we were gonna walk around the mall when it ws over, but the mall ws closed...bummer. But we're gonna go another time and do that. i g2g ttul AmberrķTčHey! Howz it goin'? Im really bored. Ok well last Fri. we went 2 WL, and Ed and i went 2 the top! it ws soo awesome! But sadly it ws out last time 2 go. :( I wish we could go again. And then...on...Sat...we, didn't do nething...no wait, yeah we did...we went to my cuz B-day..it ws interesting. they played "Red Rover Red Rover," and this kid got clotheslined. It ws awful but kinda funny @ the same time. You shoulda seen everyone after that...they didn't run too fast! and then sun...we went 2 church. and then on Mon...we did nothing...and tues chris had his classes, then he had a soccer game, and we brought dinner 2 the Toney's. And 2day i had my class, and now im waiting 2 go 2 church...fun! and im talking 2 Ed on IM. g2g cya l8r! BerrīTņHey!!! Im all better! lol I ws sick 4 like almost a week. ugh. i had da flu. and i had 2 miss TWO of my soccer games! but we won them so...thats good. we started reffing a couple of saturdayz ago!! and its sooo much fun!! I LUV it. there are some cute guys there 2...lol. i've had 2 do the lil U6 kids! and they are soooo cute. i don't really like reffing them though....its kinda boring...but hey its work. and i really really wanna be a center ref!!! i've only ever been an AR(assnt. ref). but thats fun 2. omg one of the guys...his car got paintballed...he ws really p/o. i would b 2. and uh....o yeah...the proms like THIS friday...and we STILL don't really no wut we're doing 4 it. um....uh...i can't think of ne thing else 2 say.....so ttul!! BerrļTOk, ok, ok.... Im updating! lol I had a game on Thurs. and.....we lost...2-0. But we did so awesome...@ least i think we did. ;) North had played like 7 games, and that ws our first...so. And our goalie, Erin, that ws her first time ever being a goalie, and we were so, proud? i guess of her...lol she really did awesome. And ya i got 2 play! a lil less than half...but thats ok...it ws FUN! lol But i really can't wait till tues...we play again. And i'll hopefully get 2 start this time...lol. Well..i g2g bye!! BerršTIHII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im Updating!!! lol ok...um...uh...lol idk wut to say! o ya...we got our first soccer game Thurs. @ North. And im not gonna get 2 play, cuz i missed practice 2day...and mrs heidi won't let u play in a game unless ur @ practice..which i can understand. And i could'nt go 2 pract. cuz im really really far behind in my skool...urrrr!!!!!!!!! But im really really hoping that i'll get 2 play @ least a lil bit...but idk. Um...let me see...man! o yeah! Sat we had a Korean Family come up from Columbia SC. They went hiking up in Dupont..i didn't go cuz of skool...and then they came home w/ us and spent da night. Then we went to this lunch thingy @ the Hall's campground. that ws really fun. we played soccer, and o man...it ws soo kool! Of course playin soccer ne time is fun! lol Well.... i think thats all..g2g ttul!! BerrńT•HEY!!!!!!!!!! Omg guess wut!? I can maybe get my restricted lisence 2morrow!! Isn't that gr8!? I really really hope i can. It all depends on if my dad says we can take his "baby"(the fury) off of the insurence plan...so i don't hve to pay too much $. But i can't wait. its gonna b so awesome. *sigh* lol sry um...o yeah the St.Jacques brought over a foosball table last night from the McChristians. Its pretty kool, a lil tiny but...fun. And we reffed last Sat. And I went to Chick-fil-A w/ laura and Becky then we went down Main Street and i bought a skirt @ this really kool store. its like a retail store and its got all these really awesome clothes for really low prices. but ne way. and...uh, Sunday we went 2 church, and i had a cfa meeting. not a whole lotta people were there. just a couple that i knew, corrie, erin, miss wanda, mis gail, andrew, and uh...i think thats all that i knew. well i g2g ttul BerrņT-Hi I had 2 work 2day...and it ws sooo much fun. I've never had that much fun @ work b4. (it kinda helped there ws a really cute guy there...lol) One of the guys there, Andy, he kept gettin on 2 me cuz I don't "pop" the bags when i opened them...4 baggin and stuff...and i told him i didn't know how...so he said he'd teach me. he never did though. oh well...it ws a lot of fun 2day though. I like couldn't stop laughing. Ok but ne way. I also went to wal-mart to get a new stop watch cuz i lost my other one @ the park. and...um...we're gonna go 2 soccer 2morrow! i can't wait. i haven't played w/ the "hommies"(as my friends call us) in like 4ever. i jus hope someone isn't there...ok sry. and...oh yeah! we start soccer back up on Mon!! i can't wait. then we hve a game tues against Prov. Acad. We beat them last time...so i think we'll beat them again. @ least i hope. oh yeah and we're reffing this Sat too. i can't wait 4 that either. omg and we got our first paycheck...and i made $55!! i ws soo amazed. thats more than i make @ Chick-fil-A. well i g2g ttul BerróTøHEY!!!!!!!!!! IM BACK!! lol Well...we've been doing really good in our soccer season @ Faith. We had a game yesterday and we won 5-2. I made 2 of the goals!! My first two!! I ws sooo happy. And I got MVP of the game. it ws awesome. uh...there isn't a whole lot goin on in my life...uh...o ya...we had the prom thing. it ws a lot of fun. kinda. yeah. it ws. well i g2g...sry it ws soo short. i'll come back when i hve more time. ttul! BerrōTMHiya! Howz it goin? I can't remember the last time i did a new thing. i think it ws a while ago. oh well. Um...yesterday...yesterday we did...nothing. And 2day...we...went 2 church! And it ws awesome! oh no wait...we DID do something yesterday. we went 2 the graduation...and MARISSA wsn't there! lol jk. i mean like u weren't there...but..oh nm. it ws really kool. Joe, Kristin, Susie, and Steve all graduated. there were other's...but i didn't know them, so. and i got 2 see Ed..i hven't seen her in a while. Oh yeah...back 2 where i left off...church ws awesome cuz Monday Morning ws there!! They did a free concert cuz Randall, our YL, wsn't there. So they came instead! they actually, i think, go 2 our church...whenever they're in town. But it ws soo kool. they did a couple of new songs. I luv that group now! lol k well i g2g ttul! BerrõUŅHey peeps! Howz it goin'? I had a thing written the other day...but then it got messed up...so it didn't go out...and i didn't feel like writting another one. wait...g2g be back in a lil while to write more...röT]Hey!! Wow this is really kewl! it looks really neat here! lol sry It's obviously been a while since i've been here. lol So...uh...yesterday ws Mother's day and we went to Holmes State Forest w/ da fam. That ws fun. Oh yeah...back up to Sat. Chris and I reffed, it ws our last games. :( Im gonna really really miss it. then we went to CFA(chick-fil-a) and we met Erin, corrie, susannah, and Abi there and got somethin 2 eat. And andrew was there...lol. Corrie and Erin were teasing me about him...but oh well. then we went to Express Yourself, its like this craft place, studio thing and we all made mother's day stuff. Mosaics...thats it. I mean...yeah. I did a butterfly. it looks really kewl. And then...we...went home. O yeah...soccer's over too. Im really sad. But Im gonna try out 4 HFC. i think. i really really want to so. but idk. well i g2g ttul Berr÷U`oh yeah...i didn't get my license. yet...im waiting on the insurence thing...soo hopefully soon!rųTŗMy hair is pink...well kinda pinky red. its really kool. I got this die stuff, thats supposed to be red...but its kinda pink now. But thats ok. it looks really neat. ok so um...We haven't been doing a whole lot lately, so...um....but thursday and saturday i worked. it ws kool...specially saturday. but i had 2 be there @ like 8 in the morning. that wasn't kool. andy and erin where there when i got there, and andy had found this little green tree frog on the window and he put it in a cup. it ws really kool looking! he ws soo cute! the frog got loose in the office too, and jeanette got "mad" @ andy and told him 2 put it back outside. and there ws this really mean guy that came in l8r, he had like this really bad attitude too. he like...yeah. he ws just a yank...lol. u guys know wut that means? haha...i think its really kool. ok but ne way. im workin next saturday and thursday too. i can't wait. its gonna b soo much fun. g2g ttu guys l8r AmberrłTąHello peoples! Wussup!? I'm really bored.no well...not really. im lookin @ UNC Soccer stuff. There's a lot of realyl kool shirts and stuff. im goin to a soccer camp this yr! i can't wait. Its gonna b in august @ UNC. and my mom and i are gonna get a tour of UNC too. and im gonna get a UNC nike soccer ball. it looks really kool. lol but ne way. oh yeah..and i worked yesterday, and friday, thursday and tuesday too. friday and sat where the most awesome though...for reasons which i don't wanna say...lol. but saturday we were really busy. i mean like i hardly left the counter after 12:30. it ws crazy! we were busy 4 like 3 hrs straight. I spent the night @ Corries house on Fri too. it ws awesome. we watched A Walk to Remember, and LOTR Return of the King. We stayed up till like 3 in the morning. it ws awesome. so yeah...thats wut i've been doing. oh yeah! and i got my license on Monday! its soo kool. i drove 2 work on thursday. it ws really kool. but yeah thats all...ttul!! AmberrśUaHey guys...i got a new guestbook thing...its kinda towards da bottom. so ne way...g2g ttul AmberrūT€Hey hey hey!! lol ;) Wussup!? I'm like really bored cuz i've been like cooped up @ work 4 like 8 hrs! i saw marissa there...that ws kool. Man, camp ws awesome! There were so many kool peoples there! Ok let's c....we got there Sun @ like 5 sumthin. We had dinner...and guess wut? they cater(thats prolly not right..oh well) out! it's soo awesome! so we had like the best food ever. then we did like an orientaion thingy...and idk if u guys hve ever heard of the "midget guy" but its where u hve like 2 peoples and one person is the head and the feet(they use their hands for the feet cuz their REAL feel r under the tabel) and then da other person is the hands...but they like can't see....so like if they hve to brush da other person's teeth...they can't see and they like make a HUGE mess of the person....well I was that person....and Erin D ws the hands. And she like got toothpaste all over my face. But it ws gr8. it ws so much fun. and then on Mon we went Rock Climbing...or rather rock rapelling...but that ws kool. but it ws soo awesome. and then on tues we did the low ropes course, and on Wed we did paint balling! that ws the coolest. it ws soo much fun. and on Wed the group went white water rafting but i didn't go cuz i had try-outs. so. and...uh...we um...yeah. thats basically wut we did all week. Along w/ like other stuff. Omg and they had fooseball. Thats like my fave now. lol and we had a water fight on tues. that ws really kool. i got soaked. and...yeah so it ws a really kool week. I can't wait 4 next yr. Tomorrow's SUNDAY!! yeah!! lol idk y i like did that. im weird. ok well i g2g cuz we're gonna eat soon. so ttul!! luv ya guys! AmberrüTŒHello guys! Guess what? I had this big whole long thing written...then I clicked on something in my e-mail so that I could go to that webbie...and it did it on THIS one instead of opening another one...so I lost it all. And I'm gonna get rid of my guestbook. If you guys wanna write or w/e...just do it in the comments. Cuz I'm gettin tired of that guestbook...lol. So neway. I've been workin a lot. It's a LOT of FuN! lol oh oh oh guess wut? I went and played b-ball 2day w/ some guys from Chick-fil-A and Ed and Chris. It was a lot of fun...even though I can't play b-ball worth crap...lol sry. But there wsn't a whole lot of people there; only David, Jimmy, Chris, Ed, Andy, and me. So it ws 3 v3 . I missed like all my shots. oh well. And um...um...oh ya...the yearbook's almost done. we're gonna send it to the printers on Mon. So thats kool. And um...I think that's all. Ok well g2g ttul bye!! amberrżU‹well i had something written...then it got messed up...and i don't really feel like writting ne thing else...maybe l8r...sry! ttul AmberržTČHey guys! Im back from soccer camp! yeah! omg that camp was soo awesome. but it totaly made me realize that im not really THAT good at soccer...i mean i have soo soo much stuff i have to work on. like my dream is to play on UNC's soccer team...but that kinda got shattered there. or at least it got a lot farther away...meaning im gonna have a lot of work 2 do in order to get good enuff. but it ws so much fun and i learned so much. UNC's really weird. I mean like its so spread out. its not like some other campuses i've been to. like all the buildings are kinda all over the place. but its nice too. and i got this really kool t-shirt there. it says "its a tar heels world" on the front and then on the back it says, "i dream of a world where there are no blue devils" and there's this pic of a little baby and he's got this face that looks so hopeful, and he's got his hands clasped in a prayer! its so cute! or at least the pic is. and i got a new soccer ball too. it looks neat. and im gonna get new cleats sometime soon too. cuz mine are gettin too small. And marissa gets to play soccer for faith!! yeah!!! thats soo awesome! we're gonna have an awesome team this year. i can't wait! k well hey i g2g..ttul!! Am,berr’TYo yo! Wussup!? We had the yearbook signing party the other day...and it ws really kool. We played soccer and it ws the bestest game we've played in a long time. I think its cuz marissa was there. dude girl, u rock! and man becky! you were doin awesome too! I think ur gonna do awesome @ faith! oh yeah, and my mom talked to Miss heidi, and she said that lacy, starla, and some other people are going to be there still, and that Stephanie and Erin B aren't gonna be there...which really sux cuz that means we don't have any goalies. Which is really bad. But we're gonna have some good offense! Specially if marissa plays. girl u gotta get your mom to let you play..hey i know...I'll send her an annonimous e-mail saying that she's gotta let you play...lol. Well hey i g2g 4 now...ttul! AmberrUI am trying this outrXÆThe sunā€™s graceful fingers Tease the Brisbane River playfully My sunken soul is ignited with a sparkle As the sky meets the earth with such dancing glee Bright yellow sunflowers Adorn green fields and my backyard Such pretty things of nature Godā€™s creation to warm our cold hearts A rainbow in the sky Reminds me of Godā€™s covenant to man Never again will a flood destroy all life On His faithfulness man can always depend The puffy white clouds Overflow with Godā€™s glory As it rains His grace pours out Providing dry souls rest and recovery All glory and praises to God For He has given me life and hope My King my Redeemer and my Lord No more in darkness again Iā€™ll groperXĻNo one can compare to Your love Patient and kind forever Dwelling in You brings endless mirth No other love do I desire I do not boast in my achievements How can I be proud When You are the one carrying me Through times of famine and drought You rebuke me gently Never keeping record of my wrongs Your anger lasts only momentarily Your favour will be my eternal song How can I go on delighting in evil When I know You have died for me I will rejoice with the truth For Your truth has set me free Seeking to protect me You made the ultimate sacrifice Bearing my sins upon the tree This selfless act Iā€™ll always prize My trust is in You My hope rests in You Your love never wavers Your love perseveres foreverrXĘI never knew How much my sins cost Until I understood The last words of Jesus Christ Upon the wooden cross ā€“ ā€œMy God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?ā€ I know How it feels to be abandoned: Betrayed, unloved and despised. But what has Jesus done to deserve this? Then I remember that My dirty sins were cast upon His broken body ā€“ The mocking crown of thorns His bleeding torn palms, His bruised fractured feet, His slashed wounded back. As He took my sins upon Himself Godā€™s holy presence had to leave Alone, He bore the pain of separation And torture from His creation The wages of sin is death And sins have to be paid, in full. Nothing in the world is free So He paid with His life on the tree. I understood now Jesus made a choice, and paid the price. He became the Redeemer of sinful lives To release people from captivity Sinners just like me. My sins directed Christ to the cross It was His love that brought Him there All because of me.rX(In horses and chariots manā€™s Hope reside Such ambitious races cannot be tamed Towards speed and rewards it strives With temporal joy it rides in vain On false dreams Hope cannot survive Futile ascent it tries to gain Of true strength it is deprived Alas! Hope falls and becomes lame Crestfallen with colours faint Too dejected to be revived In silence Hope remains Hardly alive Then comes a light Holy brightness from a saint The Son of God Jesus Christ Hope now breathes again With His promise of eternal life In Christ Hope shall forever sustainrXSImprints on rainbows ā€“ dark shadows in a brief life spoil the coloured years. Waves on brown sand dunes ā€“ mark the oscillating days of passing moments. Fragile veins on leaves ā€“ ephemeral lives on earth snapped broken by Fate. Faith held tight and close ā€“ transitory prints in life are made eternalrTŚI am into one of my dampened moods again Once again Down the black tunnel I tumble Endless Groping aimlessly What am I trying to grab hold of? Understanding? I understand why things have become the way things are. Misery? I am miserable enough.....or not really enough? Disappointment? Disappointment with what? Myself? With God? Or with him? The hard knock of reality that things will never change? Reality. What really is reality? Is all that is in front of me reality? Or is reality something far beyond my sight. Awakening? Awakening to ...... Melancholy is addictive. Truthfully I thirst for it. I frolick in Melancholy. It's nice. It caresses my fingers like an old friend. It is my familiar friend. Never left me.rUurlLink Brisbane 2002rTŚStill. I am still alive. I still want to continue wanting. Still. 'Be still and know that I am God'. Still ness knocks your breath out from your frail lungs Suffocates your brains Tears the oxygen from your eyeballs Enters into the dark corners of your heart And gnaws away endlessly Till you cringe in invisible pain Your nails cutting into your cold damp palms Tainted with puddles of salted tears It is not enough. Still. 'Be still and know that I am God'.r T1"He liked a woman who played games with the same passion that he did. Too often they were half-hearted. They thought games were only for fun. That there was no point. They didn't realise that that was the point. Pointlessness was the very best motive for almost anything." - Idioglossia, Eleanor Bailey.r T²You could, if you wished, deny that Mister God existed, but then any denial didn't alter the fact taht Mister God was. No, Mister God was, he was the king-pin, the centre, the very heart of things, and this is where it got funny. You see, we had to recognise that He was all these things and that meant that we were at our own centre, not God. God is our centre and yet it is we who acknowledge that He is the centre. That makes us somehow internal to Mister God. This is the curious nature of Mister God, that even while He is at the centre of things He waits outside us and knocks to come in. It is we who open the door. Mister God doesn't break it down and come in, no, He knocks and waits. Now, it takes a real super kind of God to work that one out, but that's just what He's done. As Anna says, 'That's very funny, that is. It makes me very important, don't it? Fancy Mister God taking second place!' ~ 'Mister God, this is Anna' by Fynnr TĪ 'If you are full up, you can use anything to see Mister God. You can't if you are not full up...If you are full up, you don't need it (the cross) 'cos the cross is inside you. If you're not full up, you have the cross outside of you and then you make it a magic thing.' She spoke quietly and slowly:'If you're not full up inside you, then you can make anything a magic thing, and then it becomes an outside bit of you...If you do that, then you can't do what Mister God wants you to do...Love everybody like you love yourself, and you've got to be full up with you to love yourself properly first.' She smiled. 'Fynn, there ain't no different churches in heaven 'cos everybody in heaven is inside themselves...It's the outside bits that make all the different churches and synagogues and temples and things like that. Fynn, Mister God said "I am", and that's what He wants us all to say - that's the hard bit.' '"I am" ....that's the hard bit.' 'I am'. Really get around to saying that and you're home, really mean it and you're full up, you're all inside. You don't have to want things outside you to fill up the gaps inside you. You don't leave bits of you hanging around on objects in shop-windows, in catalogues or on advertisement hoardings. Wherever you go you take your whole self with you, you don't leave bits lying around to get stamped on, you're all of a piece, you're what Mister God wants you to be. An 'I am', like He is. Hell's bells! All this time I had thought that going to church was in order to look for God, for praising Him. It didn't dawn upon me what Mister God was doing. All this time He had been working overtime trying to knock a bit of sense into my noddle, trying to turn an 'It is' into an 'I am'. I got the message. I was beginning to get the hang of this 'I am' stuff. Considering how important it was to Mister God, I was finding it not too impossible to cope with. The tricky bit was looking inside yourself to see what bits of the works were missing. Once you'd overcome that hurdle the rest was fairly simple. My first real peek inside myself caused me to slamm the door in a hurry. 'That's me in there!' Holy cow, I looked more like an overgrown Gruyere cheese, full of holes. After getting over the shock, I opened the door a crack and took another peek. It wasn't long before I was able to identify one of the holes. It was shaped like a motor-bike. What's more, I recognised that hole. It was an exact fit of the motor-boke in the shop-window down the High Street. After some practice it became more and more easy to identify the holes...Somewhere down the line it had all gone wrong. I was certain that I hadn't started out with these holes. It was those damned banners that kept on cropping up:'Get on', 'Get ahead'. 'A motorbike makes you someone', 'A car is even better', 'Two cars, and. brother, you've hit the jackpot.' I had fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. The banners were inside of me and they were rooted in pretty fertile soil. THe more banners were inside me, the more bits of me were outside me. 'Most of a person is outside'. You can say that again. Like a child learning a new word, I found myself struggling with 'I want to be me', 'I do want, I really do want to be ME'. ~'Mister God, this is Anna' by Fynnr Tw"Death was the gateway to possibilities.... "Why did God rest on the seventh day?" "I suppose He was a bit flaked out after six days' hard work", I answered. "He didn't rest because He was tired though." "Oh - didn't He? It makes me tired just to think about it all." "Course He didn't. He wasn't tired." "Wasn't He?" "No - He made rest." "Oh. He did that, did He?" "Yes, thats the biggest miracle. Rest is. What do you think it was like before Mister God started on the first day?" "A perishing big muddle, I guess, " I replied. "Yes, and you can't rest when everything is in a big muddle, can you?" "I suppose not. So what then?" "Well, when He started to make all the things, it got a bit less muddly." "Makes sense, " I nodded. "When He was finished making all the things, Mister God had undone all the muddle. Then you can rest, so that's why rest is the very,very biggest miracle of all. Don't you see?" ........... "Being dead is a rest. Bring dead, you can look back and get it all straight before you go on." Being dead was nothing to get fussed about. Dying could be a bit of a problem, but not if you had really lived. Dying needed a certain amount of preparation and the only preparation for dying was real living, the kind of preparation old Granny Harding had made during her lifetime...Granny Harding was glad to die; not because life had been too hard for her, but because she had been glad to live. She was glad that rest was near, not because she had been overworked but because she wanted to order, wanted to arrange, ninety-three years of beautiful living, she wanted to play it all over again. ~ "Mister God, this is Anna" by Fynnr Té"It's all pretty obvious, so obvious that it would take an idiot not to see it! We all know that Mister God made man in HIs own image and images are found in mirrors. Mirrors turned you back to front or left to right. Images were 'take-away' things. So putting it all together, Mister God was and Mister God is on one side of the mirror, Mister God was on the 'add' side. We were on the other side of the mirror so we were on the 'take-away' side. We ought to have known that. When Mum puts the toddler down and backs off a few paces she does so in order to encourage the toddler to walk to her. So did Mister God. Mister God puts you down on the 'take-away' side of the mirror and then asks you to find your way to the 'add' side of the mirror. You see He wants you to be like Him. ... On our side of the looking-glass the whole place was littered with holes of various depths of people living at the bottom. On Mister God's side were appropriate piles of whatever, ready to fill up the holes if only we'd got the sense to ask for them. The piles also had names like 'Generosity', 'Kindness' and 'Truth'. The more you filled up your hole the nearer to Mister God's side of the mirror you got. If you managed to fill up your hole and still have something left over, why then you were well and truly on the 'add' side. Mister God's side. You'll understand of course that Mister God looks into His mirror and sees us all, but we can't see Mister God. I mean, after all, a mirror-image can't see what's looking at it. As Anna said, 'Your face reflection can't see you, can it?' Occasionally Mister God sees fit to do something about somebody's hole, He - well - He sort of fills it up for them. It was what we called a 'mirror-cle'! ~"Mister God, this is Anna" by FynnrTæ"You go to church to make Mister God really really big. When you make Mister God really really really big, then you really really don't understand Mister God - then you do. ...When you're little you 'understand' Mister God. He sits up there on HIs throne, a golden one of course; He has got whiskers and a crown and everyone is singing hymns like mad to Him. God is useful and usable. You can ask Him for things, He can strike your enemies deader than a doornail and He is pretty good at putting hexes on the bully next door, like warts and things. Mister God is so 'understandable', so useful and so usable, He is like some object, perhaps the most important object of all, but nevertheless an object and absolutely understandable. Later on you 'understand' Him to be a bit different but you are still able to grasp what He is. Even though you understand Him, He doesn't seem to understand you! He doesn't seem to understand that you simply must have a new bike, so your 'understanding' of Him changes a bit more. In whatever way or state you understand Mister God, so you diminish His size. He becomes an understandable entity among other understandable entities. So Mister God keeps on sheeding bits all the way through your life until the time comes when you admit freely and honestly that you don't understand Mister God at all. At this point you have let Mister God be His proper size and wham, there He is laughing at you." ~"Mister God, this is Anna" by FynnrTC"Most people I knew used God as an excuse for their failure. 'He shoud have done this', or 'Why has God done this to me?', but ... difficulties and adversities were merely occasions for doing something. Ugliness was the chance to make beautiful. Sadness was the chance to make glad." ~ 'Mister God, this is Anna' by FynnrT™"Everyone has a point of view, but Mister God hasn't. Mister God has only points to view." What about this difference between 'a point of view' and 'points to view'? This stumped me, but a little further questioning cleared up the mystery. 'Points to view' was a clumsy term. She meant 'viewing points'. The second salvo had been fired. Humanity in general had an infinite number of points of view, whereas Mister God had an infinite number of viewing points. When I put it to her this way and asked her if that was what she meant, she nodded her agreement and then waited to see if I enjoyed the taste. Let me see now. Humanity has an infinite number of points of view. God has an infinite number of viewing points. That means that - God is everywhere. I jumped. Anna burst into peals of laughter. "You see," she said, "you see?" I did too. "There's another way that Mister God is different...Mister God can know things and people from the inside too. We can only know them from the outside, don't we? So you see, Fynn, people can't talk about Mister God from the outside; you can only talk about Mister God from the inside of Him." ~ 'Mister God, this is Anna' by FynnrT'"Does God love us truly?" "Sure thing", I said. "Mister God loves everything." "Oh", she said. "Well, then, why does He let things get hurt and dead?" Her voice sounded as if she felt she had betrayed a sacred trust, but the question had been thought and it had to be spoken. "I don't know", I replied. "There's a great thing about Mister God that we don't know about." "Well then," she continued, "if we don't know many things about Mister God, how do we know He loves us? ... them pollywogs, I could love them till I bust, but they wouldn't know, would they? I'm million times bigger than they are and Mister God is million times bigger than me, so how do I know what Mister God does?" ... "Fynn, Mister God doesn't love us." She hesitated. "He doesn't really, you know, only people can love. I love Bossy, but Bossy don't love me. I love the pollywogs, but they don't love me. I love you, Fynn, and you love me, don't you?" I tightened my arm about her. "You love me because you are people. I love Mister God truly, but He doesn't love me." ... "No," she went on, "no, He don't love me, not like you do, it's different, it's million of times bigger...Fynn, you can love better than any people that ever was, and so can I, can't I? But Mister God is different. You see, Fynn, people can only love outside and can only kiss outside, but Mister God can love you right inside, and Mister God can kiss you right inside, so it's different. Mister God ain't like us; we are a little bit like Mister God, but not much yet...You see, Fynn, Mister God is different from us because He can finish things and we can't. I can't finish loving you because I shall be dead millions of years before I can finish, but Mister God can finish loving you, and so it's not the same kind of love, is it?" ~ 'Mister God, this is Anna' by FynnrTGThe more wretched your life was, the closer you were to the truth, to the gritty nub of existence... ~ Timbuktu, Paul Aster I agree with this statement. Children with problematic families generally mature faster. My sisters and I did. The more wretched our lives were, the closer we were to the Truth. Now, just change the small 't' to a capital 'T'. The more wretched we were, the more we need God. In ugliness, we witness His beautiful goodness. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now and found Was blind but now I see!rT{I've got a cat on my desk. It's a small ceramic/plaster one, with tiger stripes and tawny fur. Its curled up sleeping on a blue and white pillow. It's only half the size of my hand and the pillow is just folded up material. That cat has been with me since highschool, a forgotten birthday gift from someone or other. Its been with me through five moves, three boyfriends, a degree and numerous bouts with depression. I can't even remember who gave it to me. It could be even older than I think it is. I remember it being caked with dust at several points. Laying packed for months at a time. Sitting out of place in my nicely adult and classy bedroom, its orange-pink highlight clashing with the dark wood and purple fabric. Its childish air looking out of place admist the classic black lamps, white porcelain and wrought-iron votive. So its here in my study, amongst the chaos that is my desk. It sits beside a plaster angel candleholder covered in tarnished brass paint. My confirmation candle stark white against the greenish brass. Books litter the desk with sheets of paper thick like carpet. It's kin to the white-purple dragon incense burner, its bashful sleep interrupted by puffs of smeet smoke coming from its nostrils. It's covered in glitter and sits on tarnished silver coasters. Tarnish seems to be a running theme. Awfully apt and terribly pretentious, but still, a running theme it is. Continued with the wrought-iron candleholder, empty since the fragile glass cups smashed. Three fake flowers poke haphazardly through the holes. A broken jewellery box lays open beside it. I can't work out if the surrounding reflect me or I reflect them.rXé I've decided to use this as a real diary would be used. Self-referential whining, far too much angsty goth type info about me and my usual rantings. Just so my lj friends don't get swamped in my self-destructive tendencies. So. First up fuck I feel like cutting and fuck I'm an idiot. I went and looked at the ritual cutting section of BME and it just fucked me up worse. I shouldn't have but its just not going away. I always do this when Nova is out. No-ones home and I feel like shit. I'm not going to but I feel like a failure just wanting to. Second in line is the poems I wrote. That got reviewed by some dick who didn't want to face what the poems were about. this is the poem: memory slips hit me for six trip me up and send me down sitting sweet soft and gentle but allofasudden your sweet sweet scent is overwhelmed by the stench of lust and I'm choking on pillow dust a hand on my neck holding me down a traitorā€™s voice telling me I'm going to love it while my every fibre screams no allofasudden your warm soft breath sounds harsh in my ear hot on my face and that voice is whispering my pain and deadening my nerve and I stop saying no allofasudden I'm broken violated alone in my head allofasudden I remember and you are gone replaced by a screaming memory slipping through my senses this is part of the crit: ā€œstenchā€ ā€“ I think I said this last time, stench has negative connotations that donā€™t work for me. "and that voice is whispering my pain and deadening my nerve" - not sure why you had it spaced out here, and found this quite lack lustre. "and I stop saying no" - not enough lead-up, and seems to contradict the previous line, this person whispers your painā€¦. And that is a good thing? I edited my original version because I though the meaning wasn't quite clear but it turns out the reviewer is an idiot. *sigh* Maybe it is shit, it wouldn't surprise me since I'm no poet, but I didn't think I'd buried the meaning that deep. Is it just me or does it seem like the reviewer is a bloke. Two girls who commented got the meaning, one from the original one from the rewrites. The whole thing has been fucking me up for days, as has another discussion elsewhere. I guess I'm just fucked up. And the spacing won't work properly. Fuck it.rTWWhat are your promises carved in stone? What is your material? How did you carve? What was the promise? I've got a promise of acceptance carved with ink upon the stone of my skin. A promise of pain to come and pain to go. A promise that I will go on. Etched into my flesh with ink and scars. Dark against the pale. Permanent and soul-deep.rTThe one place where if you have to go there, they have to take you in. Which it isn't. That's not home. That's your last resort, that's obligation and duty and family. Home is where you imagine yourself on a dark day. It's where you take the ones you love. It's where you can let your guard down and go the way you want. Sometimes it may be people. Sometimes it's a place. Sometimes it's nowhere to be found.rU¬So at some point you find The One right? The One completes you, makes you happy, makes you everything you are and everything you aren't. But what happens when you change?rTóWe all put faces on and off. I put one on for class. It's my approachable face. I try not to blank, or glare. I try not to repeat lyrics in my head over and over. I try not to envisage hurting people. I don't smile because that isn't really approachable, not when I've forced it anyway. I didn't realise what I did until I walked into the bathroom on the way to class once. I walked in my usual self. I build up a wall around me. Not a wall to keep others out but a wall to hide me. I keep my head down and my face blank, or glaring at the ground. I stride, not walk. I keep my face turned away and my headphones on even when the battery has run flat. I went in as me and came out as something else entirely. I came out with my belongings safely stored, my face clear of all emotion except a sunny sort of bewilderment. I stopped thinking of terrible lies, broken promises and dead oaths. I wandered and I sauntered and I skipped along to class. These faces I wear are nothing like me, but are still of me.rTäsometimes it feels like the world is speaking in tongues. The moon keeps shining strangely down on me at night. It will shine blue and harsh on tiled floors, hanging low in the glassed-over gaps of my ceiling. Looming greenish yellow, glowing toxic behind clouds and mountains. Painting gothic panorama's of silver-flecked black clouds against the grey-blue sky. My rune won't stay put, it faces the harmony keepsake towards me. It's like there's a message I'm too tired to see.rT‹If I can remember to do that, its a good day. Even if sometimes it sets my chest on fire and air barely squeaks through my throat. Even if sometimes it catches and tears come to my eyes and I can feel the tension build in the back of my throat. Even if I just stop sometimes, all or who I am caught up in another. If I can remember to breathe through that I am doing okay, I can get through.rT I made some prayer beads, Anglican ones you understand, not the rosary... Inexpensive rosewood baubles and a cheap gold cross. For my faith and my salvation. I guess we all need something, a symbol to cling to. So why does it feel like I'm still missing something?rTŠEarly morning light sometimes seems blue. Clean. Harsh. Afternoon light is sometimes surreal, in it's gold-yellow pervasiveness, covering everything. How do you know when to shed light on something? When to open it up and let the light burn away the secrets and lies? How do you know when to dull the light to candles and smooth away the edges? How do you know when to come out of the dark?rTDarn it! I'm still trying to figure this thing out. At any rate... there's an EBay conference in town this weekend and I'm signing up as the PRESS. I AM the press, well, not ALL of the press, but I am a part of that megolithic multinational meandering piece of crap known as the press but it doesn't make me proud, especially in light of how recent events in this country were covered. But that's another blog... So, can you do tables and all sorts of nifty html tricks inside this thing? A Table I guess you can. Oh yay.rU¾I'm still learning how to move around on this (in?) thing. I just figured out how to add another post. Whee! We're rockin' now! I also learned how to do pictures... let's see if this works:rT£Oh man! A blank box. I hate blank boxes. This thing should ask you questions such as "what's your favorite color" or "do you like macaroni and cheese?" Better yet, how about those a/s/l questions chatters throw at you all the time that nobody ever answers honestly. Or do they? I have no idea what this thing will be about. I've never done this before. I'm not even good at keeping a diary or journal. I even tried that Artist's Way program and couldn't keep up with the "morning pages." The only thing I can think about in the morning is "coffee" and getting the cat off the top of my head (where he likes to sleep) and taking the dog out for a pee. Maybe this BLOG will become a sort of "morning page" except I'll be writing in it at all hours of the day and night whenever my brain has been fueled on caffeine and I feel the need to ruminate on whatever. So... has anyone seen the new Escher-style Google logo? It rocks, huh?r TłI hate it when I get ideas and I don't act on them right away. I get these thoughts in my head that remain for hours -- almost to the point where the entire thought has a beginning, middle, and an end and I can do amazing things with them. But I don't write them down or do anything to hold on to those thoughts so they disappear and are gone into the ether forever. I meant to write an entire spiel about how many numbers you had to press to get someone at Earthlink to talk to you. It brought up an entire issue about customer service and how it's all just gone downhill in this country. You can eventually get someone on the phone to talk to you, and they seem nice (or drugged... based on how many irate customers they already had to deal with... wouldn't want THAT job), but the length of time it took to get to that one voice is just astounding. I know there are more people in the world, but is this the shape of things to come? If so... I will volunteer to be the first settler on the moon, Mars, wherever...r!U¼Wah! I forgot I had this blog... I completely forgot. Please forgive me! Really! I pray to the Blog Gods to have mercy on my unblogging heart. I've been distracted, terribly, but I'm back.r"TżRoberto Hernandez Possibly Headed Back to D-Rays In what has been a very intense day for tireball.com reporters, about five minutes ago my cell phone telling me the Devil Rays have contacted Roberto "Boom Boom" Hernandez about closing games for them. At first, I thought they were talking about an acting position, considering Hernandez's shitty job with the Atlanta ball club last y ear. Neither side could be reached, but rumors with us high ranking connected guys tell me that the Devil Rays are pussy hurt the Yankees nabbed Flash Gordon, and they responded but getting their own dark skinned pitcher. Last year with Atlanta, Roberto went 5-3 with a 4.35 ERA. He posted a horrible 1.73 WHIP, walking 43 people in 60 IP. Roberto after blowing another save.r#T4DRays saying Goodbye to some turds Travis Lee, Ben Grieve, Rey Ordonez, Al Martin and Terry Shumpert all who are career under achievers and have struggeld horriably over hte last three seasons are not going to be offered arbitration by the Devil Rays. The Devil Rays are apparenly realizing that picking up other peoples trash will not pay off and will try and develop some of their own talent. Travis Lee is the only of these players worth mentioning their stats he hit .275 19 HR and 70 RBI last season. This collates great into their 2005 pennant run.r$T_Rockies tell Stynes to go elsewhere The Colorado Rockies are apparently telling Chris Stynes to hit the road. Stynes hit .255 with 11 homers and 73 RBIs last season. Stynes, never known for his power strugged since his fluke 2000 season with the Reds. Styles smiled his way to 550k of the Rockies money last season. He started 111 games at third and 4 at second base. Quoted from the Denver Post "....the Rockies, feeling confident of signing Vinny Castilla, have instructed Chris Stynes to pursue a starting job elsewhere." Apparenly the Rockies are dumb enough to think Stynes could be a starter.r%TµBaerga returns to Dbacks The Arizona Dbacks resigned bench player Carlos Baerga to a one year deal worth 1 million. The 35 year old Baerga hit .343 as a pinch hitter mostly. It was the first time since 1998 while with the Mets Baerga had more then 200 hits in a season. Baerga was unavaible for comment as I called him and asked if he signed with the Dbacks because no one else wanted him. Photo shows Baerga doing better times.r&TšDean Palmer on the comeback trail Tireball.com favorite Dean Palmer is trying to make a comeback to the game he loves. Palmer,34, hit a sparkling .140 with 0 HR and 6 RBI last year in an injury filled season. In fact the last two years have both been injury filled, seein Dean play only 30 games. Dean's best seasons came in 1998-2000, when Dean was a legit 30 homerun threat. This is supposed to be an attempt to revamp the Tigers infield, I think it's just them trying to lose a 129 this year.r'TpBraves resign Jaret Wright The Braves pen will be alot better now that Jaret Wright is back for another season of ball. The ex-Indian, ex-Padre was only half bad as a reliever for the Braves. With the expected departure of Ray King, Wright and Juan Bong will be expected to fill a large role. Wright will most likey be the top set-up man for closer John Smoltz.r(UĢMets to sign Matsui Kaz Matsui seems destined to end up in New York. Last month it seemed that the Angels were the only serious bidder but Matsui has gained interest from the Orioles, Yankees, and Mets.r)T/Yankees to sign Colon The New York Yankees are expected to sign right hander Bartolo Colon to a 3 year deal worth reportably 36 million dollars. Colon is expected to replace Andy Pettite. The Yanks however still refuse to rule out Pettite coming back. Colon spent last season with the White Sox.r*TAfter the first 23 rounds of the draft the Angels have acquired a large number of bats which expect to carry the team. Team owner John claims "with a lineup featuring Glaus, Branyan, Cirllio, Catalanotto, Aurilia, and Greg Colbrunn there's definite power on this team." Tim Naehring, Travis Fryman and Robb Quinlan expect to be key players off the bench for the team. This kind of sitting around will not be tolerated in Anaheim this season Alfredo Almezaga expects to start at second base against left handed pitching, Brian Roberts against righties. It is uncertain who will play center for the team yet as there's no one who's ever played a game in center on the roster. One guess had been Frank Catalanotto but he's better suited for a position in one of the corner outfield spots. The team is also noticeably lacking in pitching. The rotation is comprised of Bud Black, Ismael Valdes, Chan Ho Park, Joe Kennedy and Danys Baez. Mike Bielecki expects to get considerable work as a long reliever and the back end of the pen is pretty solid featuring Brad Lidge, Ricardo Rincon, and David Riske. The question is whether this team will be able to get the ball into their hands. The Angels plan to carry 11 pitchers so they will undoubtedly need to acquire a few more arms to fill out the bullpen. The team has been eyeing Dustin Hermanson, William Van Landingham, Casey Fossum, Chris Carpenter, Scott Kaminecki, Mark Guthrie and Brian Boehringer as possible late round additions. The team has not ruled out a possible trade later for arm.r+TPCurrently the draft is in round 24 of 30. The Atlanta Braves are on the clock. As always the urlLink Free Agent (Avaliable players list) and urlLink draft history report have been updated. To view your teams current roster simply go to your teams page and click on Minor Leagues. All of the drafted players are automatically placed in AAA. Everyone will have to call up their 25 man roster before the season starts. I'm gonna be working on the site later today so that team links appear on the opening page. Currently you would need to click on a link like Standings to find the teams.r,UtThe first few rounds of hte draft have been completed. Rounds 1 and 2. Rounds 3-10+ should be completed later today.r-T”Brian Jordan won the NL player of the week award. Jordan hit .526 with 8 RBI while slugging 1.105 in 19 at bats. It was the first time he's won the award and the Giants have taken over the NL West. Troy Glaus, as no shock, was the AL award winner. Glaus hit .619 had 20 RBIS in 21 at bats. He leads the AL in homers and runs batted in. The Angels have opened up a three game lead on second place Texas.r.T³In what can only be described as total domination... Troy Glaus destroyed Cleveland and didn't look back. In three games versus the Indians Glaus went 9 for 11, had 3 walks, hit 7 homeruns, scored 11 times and drove in 16. Numbers that would make anyone drool. He didn't stop there though. In the Angels next game gainst the Blue Jays Glaus again went 3 for 3 hit 2 more homers and scored 3 times as he was selected as player of the game for the 4th straight game. Maybe more impressive is that during those 4 games Glaus only struck out twice. His three homeruns off of Scott Erickson on 4/29/2004 was the first 3 HR game in TBPB history. Two days later Glaus was selected as player of the month for April. Glaus wasn't the only player on the Angels beating up on the Indians and Blue Jays though. Frank Tanana won the AL pitcher of the month award with a 2.72 ERA and a 5-0 record to boot. Robb Quinlan hit 3 homeruns himself, 2 against the Blue Jays. Jeff Cirillo is hitting .429 over his last give games and Ruyss Branyan has hit 3 homerins and is hitting .278 over his last five as well. Frank Tanana continued his great starting pitching going 7.1 innings allowing only a single run to the Indians. Joe Kennedy also threw a complete game allowing one run to the Tribe. In one game agains the Tribe the Angels scored 16 runs on only 15 hits and Brian Roberts stole 5 bases. With the domination of the Indians the Angels moved into first in the AL West for the first time all season. Bud Black who missed his last start will miss his next start as well, as he was placed on the DL. Casey Fossum will take his turn again. In his last start Fossum went 7.1 innigns of shutout ball in a win against the Tigers.r/TtThe trade that sent Kirk Gibson to the Dodgers, Mike Scioscia to the Angels and Micheal Barrett, Mark Kotsay to the Mets is paying off for all teams involoved. Michael Barrett is 10 for his last 18 in his last 5 games. That's a large jump from his one hit he had whine with the Angels. Mark Kotsay however has had troble with the trade he is just 3 for his last 20 and the Mets have lost 7 of thier last 10 games falling to second in the NL East. In Los Angeles Brian Boehringer hasn't done anything to show he deserves to be in the majors. He has allowed 5 ER in only 8.1 innings of relief for the Dodgers. Kirk Gibson has been hot of late. He's 7 for his last 16 with 2 homeruns and 4 RBIs. The Dodgers are 7-3 since the trade. The Angels have plugged Chone Figgins in as the teams centerfielder versus lefties, Figgins is 8 for 21 since the trade and has been a spark at the bottom of the order for the team. The other player the Angels picked up, Scioscia is 9 for 25 with 2 homeruns and has 8 RBIs as the teams catcher. Scioscia has picked up the slack in the bottom of the order and in turn the Angels have won 7 of their last 10.r0TtThe Atlanta Braves offense just needed to get on base. They did that, Chad Moeller drove them in. Moeller, considered an average catcher, had an extrodinary day. Moeller drove in 9 Runs in the Braves 13-9 victory over the Dodgers. The Braves are the hottest team swiming the lumber now and lead the NL in runs scored. Moellers 2 HR and 9 RBI's no doubt helped those stats.r1T|CHICAGO - Opening Day. Not what the Cubs had in mind. Higginson took a pitch from Tom Candiotti in the 1st inning left his bat for a two-run double. In the 3rd inning, a shot estimated at 388 feet, cleared the wall in right field. His 3rd hit was a RBI triple off Dennis Cook in the 5th inning. A single in the 6th off Scott Strickland accounted for his 4th hit. Higginson said afterwards that he was "pround of his accomplishment" and that he was "even happier" that his team was able to win the game. The Pirates won both games against the Cubs and currently occupy first place in the NL East. The Cubs couldn't get Higginson outr2TåThe hot rumor is that the Anaheim Angels are actively trying to shop starting pitcher Chan Ho Park. Park has already told the team that he will not resign with them this year in hopes of a larger free agent deal. The Angels have been actively looking for a starter since. The one deal that seems to fit the team the best is trading Park, reliever Mike Bielecki and first basemen Greg Colbrunn to Texas for Frank Tanana and Paul Konerko. Tanana is also a free agent at the seasons end.r3T¢With a shortage of starting pitching in the league, the Dodgers are looking forward to Orel Hershiser carrying the team again this year. In 1985 and 1988, Hershiser had seasons a pitcher could only dream about. In the years '87-'89 he was throwing more innings than any starter. Hopefully this year he'll be able to save his arm a few times and turn it over to the bullpen which consists of Rod Beck, Todd Jones, Jim Gott, Greg McMichael, and Joe Borowski. But is Orel going to put up another '88 season? Supported by such hitters as Shawn Green, Dave Hansen, Mark Kotsay, Eric Karros, Scott Podsednik, David Dellucci, and Brad Fullmer, we'll just have to wait and see.r4TMthis is what she said gets her through it -- "if i don't let myself be happy now, then when? if not now, when?" NYE once again. i'm starting to get accustomed to spending them alone, or at least, sitting at home. jimmy eat world -- clarity on the headphones, and i'm thinking of the first time i heard this record my favourite record, my favourite boy (my how things change, darling) wrote my first song in months this morning -- about that moment when you know the mess is just too big. and there's not enough mr.clean in the world to do the job. feel like i've been writing the same moment overandover again for the last year and a half feel like feeling it slip through my fingers for the last time is all that i have left of him except i think i'm getting ready to let it go. >>32 minutes and counting. do i get another start when big and little hands both point at twelve? do i *blink* and never dream of him again? >>25 minutes. i have rendered my heart to another and in this second, i feel worthy i love you more...MORE!! (heehee) i am making a cd of all my favourite bands for davey who told me last night that both his mom and brother said he should keep me around, after hearing 'too much' thank you for that, monkey -- you make me warm >>18 minutes. touch wood, but this year has to be better than the last by default. happy NY's all!r5Tŗso the same two people have been calling our house over and over for two days, asking for this jonathan character. and we KEEP telling them there's no jonathan here, but they just keep calling back. spent the morning at the hospital today, going through round after round of various tests and shit. "here, i'm going to stick this needle in you now" and then "here, pee in this cup." do you know how hard it is to fill a pee-cup to a predetermined magic-marker mark ? and then "take off all your clothes, put on this gross-ass hospital gown, and sit in this reallycold chair until we x-ray you, ok?" anyway. after starving myself for the previous twelve hours, and not even drinking any water for the same amount of time, i was informed my the nurse at the blood clinic that i had to take an appointment for that particular test. GOOD TO KNOW. remind me to thank that *excellent* specimen of a doctor at the walk-in clinic for informing me of that little tidbit. so NOT ONLY did i starve myself needlessly, what she's telling me is that i have to do it again . also , it turns out that its some retarded blood test that takes two hours.(mostly spent waiting in a reclining chair, as i understand it) hopefully john'll come sit with me. also, it seems like NYE will be spent doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing at all, as has become the custom. i have never been more anxious in my short pathetic life for the holidays to be over, and normal life to ensue.r6Tsorry to ruin that for you. i got some so-called sea monkeys from my nanny, and apparently they're actually realted to brine shrimp. so if anyone can tell me why one earth they're called "sea monkeys", i'll give you three shiny pennies, or something. you can hold me to that.r7TŸwoke up this morning hoping that it wouldn't be christmas anymore. stumbled out to the kitchen and saw the mountain of (badly) wrapped gifts, and realized there isn't any escaping it: i have to go to my mom's tomorrow. i already know the scenario: christmas day will most likely involve me trying in vain to find someplace to hide in a house full of people who only want to pinch my cheeks and talk about my future. i used to think it was terrible to be one of the children at christmas; sitting at the little table, largely ignored by the adult population, but now that i'm grown, i'd happily sit in the corner with the 'under-twenties', and disappear, unnoticed, after dessert. i don't know where these feelings are coming from. maybe i forgot my pills. my boys were in from their respective cities today, and we engaged in our requisite holiday bonding. possibly the only thing i love about christmas is the inevitability of the three of us meeting, watching movies, getting high, and talking about bands we like. it's what we do. it's what we've always done. we went to shoot some pool before heading into lennoxvegas to chill at robbie's, and robbie and i played our usual game of "who's the hottest guy in here?", which is always hard for me, because i personally think that the two of them are easily the most attractive in any room. i don't tell him that, though: i point out some kid in a red hoodie who looks like he's barely eighteen, and make a joke about how i like 'em young. i don't know why i do stuff like this - maybe i'm a jerk. maybe. and finally an e-mail from the absentee boyfriend in my inbox today, after five of the longest days of my life. i write him back, tell him that i'm fine. neglect to mention the fact that i'm skipping out on christmas parties to play videogames, and that i haven't been able to sleep, or that i've been so out of it i keep forgetting to take my pills. i will say a lot of things (even some that maybe i shouldn't), but i will not say that it's better when he's here. i will not say i miss him, or that the reason i sleep like shit is that i keep waking up expecting him to be there. i will just wait. wait until the holidays are over.r8T|my hand, hesitating over the 'enter' key. 'the martyr', from cursive's 'domestica' blasting through my headphones. i've heard it a million times today at least. i always do that : listen to a song i like so many times over that i know it inside and out--every drumbeat, every chord change... i press the key, send all my carefully chosen words spiralling off into cyberspace. all i want to say is 'happy birthday, merry christmas' to the one i used to say everything to. instead, i catch a frightening glimpse of a self i thought was long gone. i get it together, and hit the key. i am stronger than this. i am bigger than this.r9Tœskipped out on annette's annual xmas thingie. stayed home and tweaked my webpage instead. played the sims, and built a mini-lennoxville, with all my favourite bishops people, including sim-michaela, and sim-john, who ended up falling for each other. just like in real life. ok. i am officially pathetic. mike was supposed to get home tonight sometime, so hopefully we can chill tomorrow or something. maybe blaze. or drink. i need to de-stress. i realize there's something kind of funny about that statement, since i've been unemployed, and out of school for like, 8 months or something like that, but seriously...christmas just fucks me up. hrm...more laterr:T=taking a quick break from the Official New Year's Cleaning of My Room in order to cheer, and whoop, and just display general signs of happiness due to the fact that john is coming home today. *dances around room* other than that, its just same old, same old. laundry, and the emptying of drawers. there's still the closet, too, i guess, but since it's basically the Museum of Breakup, maybe i'll just leave it another year or so. i'm listening to broken social scene, which always reminds me off rez life last year, and of the wonderful sam. (which makes me wonder if he's back from nfld yet... hrmmm...) anyway - this record used to depress the hell out of me, but for some unknown reason, now make sme incredibly happy. or maybe everything makes me happy right now, i dunno. also...my red bra is missing. this annoys me greatly. i suspect foul play. actually, i'm sure a ransom note is coming any day now. in reality, i had it at xmas, so i'm relatively sure i left it at my parent's somewhere. which doesn't exactly increase my chances of ever seeing it again. *growl*r;Ti am writing you from somewhere far away, where degrees of heat are measured in some wildly different way. i walked outside in my shirtsleeves today, orange and blue stripes on the white quebec landscape. i am waiting to feel the bite, and maybe its warmer than usual, but i ask myself if i'm not a little number than i have been in the past. made the trek downtown to your apartment / my sometimes home, to maybe bang out a few lines of code on my mac. i walked in the door. saw you. saw her. i'll be honest, and it disgusts me how revealing this is of my insecurities : at first, i thought you were hooking up. that was my immediate reaction, even in light of the last few days events. and i knew, as soon as i thought it, that I was wrong, and had no other choice but to turn on my heel and go process, which I am still sort of doing. i am going to say one more thing about this :: you don't understand this yet, but i can totally empathise with your feelings of being discluded on football night. i know this feeling because, for as long as I've known you, i've known that the two of you, during last year, made a bond that I will never ever penetrate, and as close as you and i get, we will never talk about the same things, or hang out the same way as the two of you. so you don't know it yet, but i understand. disco lights. pounding bass. a small, small shirt. i hope this will make me feel better.r<Tit's funny how the last few years of my life have read like the cheap script of some angst-filled teen movie. i think about this often. maybe it wouldn't even be cheap, just a story in the vein of those early nineties movies about angsty twenty-somethings : like Reality Bites. We would all still be in the city, living off our respective bank accounts, in some basement apartment in a notso- fantastic part of the city. We'd make music until the wee hours of the morning, and go out to great indie shows every night. And of course, don't forget the random, intense (but necessary) love affair that all works out in the end. or doesn't. good times. Isabelle often tells me that part of neurosis is always wanting to be in some other time than the now. And i think that she might be right. I realised today, sitting in my favourite greasy restaurant with John that I am perpetually unhappy with the now, and wistful something fierce for the days of jordan and toronto, and hallam street or bathurst street... bah. and then i realised that the only place those people and places even exist anymore is in my head. torontomichaela, and torontojordan are just fictional people who existed once. but how am i supposed to exist now, have this new relationship, be functional, when i'm haunted all the time? and then i realise that i'm going all fluxy on john, sitting in a room with him, wishing i was somewhere else, and i don't know if that's fair, or if we should even be together in the first place, with him tossing the word 'love' around the way he doesr=T)haven't written in awhile, mostly because my hospital cubicle lacked an internet connection. how inconvenient. i'm starting to wonder if this time of year will continue to affect me this way for the rest of my life, if i will have to block out almost two weeks of my life every february/march in order to go get myself straightened out in the psych ward. its funny - i've been there a few times, and never really felt any connection with the people i shared the floor with, yet somehow, this time i felt a tug when i left, like i was leaving behind my only allies, the only people who can fully understand what this is like. and i'm back to feeling the way i did before : alienated. like i don't fit here. like maybe i never will. and i'm thoroughly discouraged with school, as i've come to the conclusion that the creative side of my brain easily outweighs the analytical side. in the hospital, the nurses and doctors would often ask about my hobbies, and i realised the truth: i don't really have any anymore. i used to spend my free time painting, or serenading my friends with the songs i had written, or acting in a play, or doing my radio show. but that all ended when i dropped out of school last year, and decided to reinvent myself as a cs student this winter. since then, i've been nothing but anxiety and insecurity, caught without a spare minute to even entertain the thought of doing the things i love. my anxiety has caused me to neglect my relationships, and i find myself more or less alone in the middle of all of this. so i talk with my doctor about what i can do to make it better, and she reminds me that university isn't really for everyone, and that maybe doing a three year program at a CEGEP might suit me more, and while a month ago, i would've scoffed at an idea like that, this time, i stop and remember that when i was in high school (almost 6 years ago now), all i wanted in the world was to get into this one photography program in Montreal. anyway, the more i think about it, themore my head hurts from thinking about it, so for now i'll stop.r>Tok. plan b. instead of using my own template for this blog, i will take the easy way out, and use one of the pre-made ones, as they are much prettier than anything i could make with the few free minutes i have amidst all this studying. exams = bleah. especially when you know damned well that everyone else is at home, having their respective summer vacations, while you pick up the slack for while you were out of commission mentally. whatever. sometimes, you think you know exactly how things are going to turn out. my grandmother calls it "borrowing trouble", and everyone in my family is especially good at it, but me, i take the proverbial cake. anyway, despite the fact that saturday's phone conversation will john seemed to go well, when i got to thinking about it, i started to take the lack of mention of our relationship as a glaring sign that i was in for a massive comedown. 2:30 am. he pops online with one of his trademark witty screen names, and i can't decide whether to msg him or not. at this hour, it's pretty much guaranteed that one of two things is going to happen: 1. we'll end up fighting about our relationship, which will ultimately lead to it's demise. or 2. we won't talk about anything at all, and i'll go away feeling empty and awful. i decide to msg him after all, keeping in mind what has become my mantra in the last few days: keep it light. keep your expectations looooooooooooow. emphasis on the drawn-out "low". i do everything right, and somehow the conversation just pours out. he loves me, and that's all that matters. and with that, the past two, almost three weeks of utter hell draw to a close, i hope.r?T¦"and i know i don't deserve this - the capacity to feel to laugh and to cry and to praise - for that i live and breathe and wake each day is nothing less than your grace in awkward and glorious movement." | "if i could" | mineral | mineral on repeat. somehow, i am here, at 1am, revamping the blog, because its better than trying to sleep and realizing that i still can't, not after almost two weeks of this hell. it seems that i undertake the revamp everytime something earth-shattering happens in my life. so here i am. my "couple days'" grace in the john situation had pretty well run out, so i swallowed hard and called him today, as agreed upon. and the truth is, the conversation itself didn't really go that badly. we talked for more than an hour about all the silly stuff that he and i usually talk about : family guy, stupid things we and our friends have done for a laugh, our dogs... you know, mundane chatter - but in a good way, considering the current state of affairs. still, the fact that he didn't mention our relationship at all kind of didn't put me at ease. it makes me wonder if this is going to be one of those situations where we're just broken up and no one ever speaks of it again. i wouldn't blame him, after that marathon (and fruitless) conversation we had at the beginning of last week. funny thing, though - as we were about to hang up, he told me he loved me. before i had a chance to say it first. so now i'm all, "what did that mean?" - did he decide, over the past few days, that somehow, he could forgive my transgression? i mean, that's what those 'few days to think' were for, right? or was it just an act of habit? i don't know. this is agony.r@Tßt-minus approximately 24 hours. until the conversation. until the inevitable. i am frantically trying to figure out what on earth i can say to change the direction towards which everything seems to be veering off madly. sadly, i am coming up empty. i love you. there's no way around it. i tried to play it cool, to stay unattached, but still i got sucked in. and now your love is all around me, but about to be yanked away. punishment. for what i did, and what i am. how can i convince him that i'm not going to kill myself, not on "his watch"? how can i convey that i don't care what price i have to pay in order to win back his trust after my infidelity? i would wait indefinitely. i would jump through hoops. i would bend over backwards. i just want to hear your voice again, telling me that i'm safe, that everything is not as bad as it seems. i know i brushed it off a million or so times, but it actually did make me feel better to hear it... what to do, what to do?rAT×sometimes. i don't really get what moves me to do certain things. the doctor says that i have this intense fear of abandonment that will easily drive me to do crazy things, just so i don't have to be alone. i guess that's how i ended up in some other guy's bedroom last monday. i guess that's how i ended up trying to kill myself the day after, alone in my bedroom, with no outlet that suitably served to confess my sins. two bottles of pills, and one fervent stomach-pumping later, here i am, and the truth is, nothing makes anymore sense than it did before. i still feel exactly the same way. and everyone is telling me that i have to stop thinking this way, that ending my life is not a choice that i'm allowed to make, but it's so hard. especially right now. there's one thing i have to be clear about. i love john. so much. and i know (for all of you who are reading this, and know me well) that i've been bitching non-stop for the last month, or that i've been completely insecure for weeks, but i love him, even when i'm all pissed off. and i honestly thought...well, that this whole thing would work out. part of me, i guess, is hoping it still will - that monday or tuesday, we can have a conversation, and i will somehow be able to reassure him that this sort of thing will never happen again. give him my doctor's phone number or something. put him in touch with my mom, in the event that he's worried... i don't know. i just want to be with him - that's the only thing that makes sense to me right now. But part of me is pretty sure i'm going to be denied; that i've done more damage than even love can survive (once again). and i don't know how to handle that. sarah harmer is all that's keeping me sane this weekend. i've been thinking a lot about catharsis - about getting everything that's inside of me, that's been lingering, and eating my heart out for the last years - out, and into the open. maybe then. maybe i won't feel so much like i'm losing it all the time.rBT7This blog is the place for me to rant and complain and de-stress over my senior year of high school. I needed a dedicated spot to keep track of grades, deadlines, SAT scores, who accepted me and who didn't, and so on, and I felt a new blog over here would be great. Just for some background info, my name is Amanda and I'm a senior at Coventry High School. I'm a band geek. I have a 3.7 GPA and rank 101 out of a class of 439. I'm a member of National Honor Society, Rhode Island Honor Society, and Spanish National Honor Society. I like to write, draw, and compose.rCTI tell ya, they say the SAT is easier than the PSAT. And then they say the ACT and SAT are different enough that you can excel at one if you suck at the other. Man, I hope that's all true... I took the PSAT last October and scored a 186 -- 62 verbal, 56 math, and 68 writing, or something along those lines. Anyway, I was in the top 20 percent and qualified for National Merit Scholarship, and I'll hear back from them in September. I was projected to get, therefore, no less than 620 verbal and 560 math, and in fact, the PSAT people scaled it up to about 1220 because the SAT is supposed to be easier than the PSAT. I've taken 2 practice SATs. The results have been less than 1220. In my own defense, I rushed one just to see how I do at the pace I always take tests, and I got an 800 total (part of my problem is I never actually read passages, I skim them). I took the other at 3am in a sugar buzz and got a 900 (again, I am a passage-skimmer). The least I can say is that they ARE going up, right?! I have two more practice tests out of my SAT book, and if they increase by 100 each time, I can get an 1100 on the last one, and maybe a 1200 on the real SAT! Still, I'm curious about how I'd perform on the ACT. I do want to take the SAT at least twice this year, and if I'm not satisfied, I'll take the ACT once. I pretty much have to take the AP Psych exam 'cause I'll be taking AP Psych, and it's like, "Ahh, what the hell?" I might also take the AP Spanish Language exam, and maybe AP Chem, 'cause my Chem I teacher said an AP Chem class would cover what my school covers in both Chem I and II, and I'm taking Chem II this year. And if I can brush up on my music history, I might go for the AP Music Theory exam. Except I suck at sight-singing. Like I always say, we shall see.rDTwI just wanted to give a shout out to Justin for being so awesomely accomodating by taking me to see the Garfield Movie this past weekend. I've been an avid Garfield fan/collector for most of my life, so I knew when he came out with a movie that I would have to go see it (they'd kick me out of the club otherwise). So Justin donated 90 minutes of his time on a Saturday night and shelled out $18.50 (NJ movie prices are ridiculous--another reason to live in the 'burg!) to make me happy. It was a cheesy kids' movie of course, but it was cute, and I can't express my gratitude enough to Justin for putting up with the kid in me. :DrET6Ah, I miss Ren and Stimpy . . . Anyways, hi there and welcome to my blog! If you're here, you probably know me and are one of the few people I still talk to on a regular basis--thanks for stopping by to read what's been going on with me! Or you're like me and check IM away messages constantly throughout the day and got the link from there. If you don't know me, I'm not sure why you're here, but feel free to read on anyway! So I've been meaning to start a blog for awhile now and just never got around to it. I guess I was putting it off partly for fear that I'd only post every three weeks or something, and then I'd feel bad I didn't spend more time on it. But Justin encouraged me to do it, and I enjoy reading his, so I thought there might be a few people out there who'd like to take time away from playing games while making it look like they're working to read what I post. Maybe it'll even be entertaining... So I guess this marks my official (albeit belated) entry into geekdom. No turning back now! So this is just a post to say welcome, stay as long as you like, and please come back from time to time! I'll be posting as often as I can--or as often as I have something to say, which, knowing all of the exciting things going on in Harrisonburg, will be all the time!! /sarcasm ...It's Better Than Bad, It's Good!!rFTBefore I write what I want to say about the Convention this week, I wanted to give a little background on what got me to this point, because I'm sure some of you will be surprised to see me involved in politics... When I was growing up and even through most of college, I never paid much attention to politics, or even to current events. I think when we're young and haven't ventured away from home much, we tend not to see how these things affect us. What goes on in Washington seems to be so removed from our lives that it doesn't matter. And those few times when I did try to watch the news in order to be more informed, I just got frustrated by all the crime and negativity that local news channels tend to focus on. And politicians always seemed to be doing something underhanded or self-promoting, so I dismissed politics as something I'd rather not be involved in. September 11, 2001, was the first day my opinions started to change. It gave me such a jolt that I knew I'd have to leave the protective bubble I'd spent most of my life in to that point. I started watching news daily, listening to NPR, reading Newsweek. My eyes were opened to a whole new world I'd never realized was there. And it made me realize that these things affect my life in a big way. So I was learning about the world, keeping up on current events, and I thought my eyes were pretty open. But another jolt came when I saw Bowling for Columbine. I thought it was an amazing movie and among other things, it made me be more critical of the information I was receiving on a daily basis. At this point I considered myself fairly well-informed. I wasn't just soaking in information, I was analyzing it, finding out more, trying to determine what was credible and what was suspicious. But despite all this knowledge, I wasn't really doing anything. I mostly have "W" to thank for that. Granted, I didn't vote for the man, but I stood by him when our nation was in a time of crisis and I was ready to go wherever he led this country. But gradually I saw how he was steering us way off course, alienating our country's friends, and totally ignoring the people who had entrusted him to protect us and make this country a better place. Soon I knew this guy had to go. The credit doesn't all go to Bush II, though. Several months ago, I heard that Al Franken would be hosting a new radio show, so I decided to tune in. I always liked his Stuart Smalley character... Well Stuart Smalley this was not. But it was better. He talks frankly on a daily basis about the awful things this administration is doing and about what needs to happen in this country. And he's definitely no Rush Limbaugh. He listens to people, gives facts to back up his information, admits when he's wrong, tells people what they can do to get involved, and does it all with a little humor thrown in. I listen to it religiously now, and it has inspired me to want to take an active role in what goes on in this country. For that reason, I'm doing something this year that I've never done before--voting. I know, shame on me. But if we learned anything from the last presidential election, it's that every vote CAN make a difference (or should , and will as long as they're all counted...::rolleyes::) And I've finally found a candidate who I think is a perfect fit. 1. He's not Bush (that says a LOT...) 2. He stands for so many of the things I believe in. 3. He has a vision for this country that I believe in wholeheartedly and want to see come to fruition. In case you hadn't guessed, his name is John Kerry. :D ( To be continued in my next entry... )rGTõOver the years, we all accumulate things that we don't necessarily need, or buy new things that make the old obselete. Somewhere along the way, some brilliant (and maybe a little greedy) person, realizing that one man's trash is another man's treasure, invented the yard sale. So I've accumulated as much unneeded junk as the next guy... OK, possibly more than the next guy, which is why I decided it was high time for a yard sale. I pulled together a nice pile of junk, tagged everything with prices, made signs, and waited for the customers to come. Justin's friend Brian and his fiancee Jennifer came over and brought some of their stuff too to add to the appeal. We didn't have to wait long before the customers came trickling in. Our road is fairly busy, so it was a good spot for pulling potentional customers in off the street. We haggled, we talked, we sunburned... and in the end, we made almost $150 all together! Who knew junk could be so valuable?! And I've got plenty more where that came from...rHTsSo Justin and I were looking into getting a new monitor for my computer. After looking into it, we figured we might as well just buy a whole new computer since it's not that much more expensive. But then we started thinking that if we were gonna get a new computer, we might as well go all out and get a nice one. So here I am looking at the monstrous 20" screen of our new iMac. I've always wanted to give an Apple a try but was a little scared of jumping into unknown territory, being that I'm so used to PCs. But man, this thing is niiiice! It's great for doing stuff with photos and there's a neat program where you can write songs with all sorts of different instruments. I can't wait to play with it all a little more. Justin's even more excited about it than I am, so I have a feeling we'll be fighting over it most evenings. Guess we'll have to start learning how to share...rITwThe country that gave millions of drunk people the opportunity to prove in front of a crowd that they can't carry a tune now has given video-game-junkie white males a chance to redeem their reputation for having two left feet... Yep, move over Karaoke, Dance Dance Revolution is here! In case you're not up on this fad that hit arcades several years ago and is now sweeping video game players' homes, here's how it works: Instead of a hand-held controller, players use a large pad on the floor like this: The screen gives you a series of arrows to step on at specific times to the beat of the music, with dozens of songs of varying speed and difficulty. This addictive game is the latest addition to our "game room"--though it's as much a workout as it is a game. A word of warning to those who haven't tried it before: as corny as you think it is beforehand, you will get addicted.rJUI"Art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life." - Pablo PicassorKUV"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of AlexandriarLUą"The great mission in life has nothing to do with any struggle between classes, races, nations or ideologies, but is rather a personal quest to enlarge the soul, liberate the spirit and light up the brain." - Tom RobbinsrMUH"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." - Oscar WilderNUĄ"If we, citizens, do not support our artists, then we sacrifice our imagination on the altar of crude reality and we end up believing in nothing and having worthless dreams." - Yann MartelrOUb"Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable." - George Bernard ShawrPUh"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." -Scott AdamsrQUh"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up." - Pablo PicassorRT¶Last week I attended the Alternative Press Conference in San Francisco. I met many great cartoonists and I'd like to share some of their work with you. Kris Dreesen - urlLink www.girlthrow.com Paige Braddock - urlLink www.janesworldcomics.com Carol Lay - urlLink www.waylay.com Gina Kamentsky - urlLink www.t-gina.com Wayne Chan - urlLink www.turtlecomics.com Raina Telgemeier - urlLink www.goRaina.com Jeremy Lambros - urlLink www.abusecartoons.com Ellen Forney - urlLink www.ellenforney.com and also check out: Manual Comics - urlLink www.manualcomics.com The Cartoon Art Museum - urlLink www.cartoonart.org Friends of LuLu - urlLink www.friends-lulu.orgrSUa"I prefer drawing to talking. Drawing is faster, and allows less room for lies." - Le CorbusierrTTThis weekend I participated in the first (and hopefully annual) Art for Charity Days at the Cornelia Arts Building in Chicago. Special thanks to urlLink Jason Messinger for organizing such a great show and being so supportive about my work. 20% of my proceeds will benefit urlLink Lambda Legal . The best part of the weekend was meeting fellow artists, enjoying their work and stories. Check out this great work! urlLink Jeanette Bezazian urlLink Brian Justice urlLink Michael Bonfiglio urlLink Michael T. PrichardrUUĒIt's time for a professional to step in. The website is currently under re-construction. Look for a new, improved site sometime this summer. In the meantime, listen to urlLink Air America Radio .rVUbJust back from NY. Spent Saturday at The Whitney Biennial. Check out urlLink this related site.rWT”I should be a better blogger. When I'm up in the middle of the night I really enjoy finding people's blogs to read. And it's even better if they are funny, smart, insightful. I like to think that now and then I'm any one of those things, but I realize my blog is totally lame. What are the elements of a good blog? First and foremost for me as a reader, there's the balance of self-understanding without self-absorption. That's key. And being able to tell a story helps. Having a story to tell helps even more. Most of us don't think we have stories to tell but we do. What are blogs generally about? Just whatever is on people's minds at the time of writing, I suppose. For me that would be: politics, how to finish a home remodeling, surviving my chronic upper respiratory tract infections, making art, and selling things on the internet. Oh and my goldfish who just won't die. This ties in with this week's cartoon of the week so it's fitting story to tell here. I'm currently going through a nightmare pet situation again. Here's the deal: we have this goldfish named Boomer that we got shortly after moving into this house three years ago. He has grown at least twice his original size. His old home was an Eclipse three gallon tank with filter and BioWheel, which is supposed to maintain a healthy bacterial balance in the tank. But he outgrew that. This fish has at least tripled in size. So we got him the six gallon version of the same tank. He's thriving in that, now four times his original size. I even painted a custom backdrop to make him feel even more special. (If fish can feel special.) At five times his original size, he's pretty happy. (You see where this fish story is going, eh?) So then we have the perfectly good three gallon Eclipse tank free for a new occupant. We thought it would be fun to give to our friend Pat who could use a pet. After cleaning it out thoroughly, I filled it and added a fish from Chicago Aquarium. He died overnight. I asked them what it could have been and they said, "ammonia." A no brainer apparently, but I didn't get it. I had put ammonia lock in the water - how could it have happened overnight? Doesn't ammonia need a while to build up? So I decided they were wrong, their fish was sickly. I cleaned out the tank again and went to Petcare. Got a little orange goldfish who would later be named 'Ade' because I got her the day Adriana was killed on The Sopranos. After a few days in the tank, she started getting brown spots all over her. According to some pamphlet on goldfish care it's hemorrhagic bacterial septicemia. Great. My fish is bleeding from the inside out. She didn't eat for the first week we had her. I can't imagine how she survived. No eating, no poop, just bleeding into her fins for a full week. I decide the tank must be the problem and I put her in an old-fashioned biowheel-free goldfish bowl, exchanging 50% of the water every day. I threw away the Eclipse 3. She got a little better. She started eating. She was doing well. Believing her on the mend and thinking she deserved another chance at BioWheel living, I went out and got her an Eclipse Profile three gallon tank of her very own. I carefully set up the tank, let it run for an entire weekend so it would be all ready. I took no shortcuts. When we got home from our weekend away, I put her in the new tank and within 24 hours she starting dying again, swimming on her side, acting like the ammonia had gone to her head, divebombing the bottom of her tank. All this time, Cindy will walk up to her perfectly healthy seven-times-his-original-size Boomer and feed him in his happy little tank, almost mocking my sickly, splotchy, now crazed little fish. Ade is back in her old fashioned goldfish bowl now, back to 50% water changes every day. She's not swimming on her side anymore, but she's not eating again. And now I have an Eclipse Profile 3 drying out downstairs. Cindy actually verbalized the thought I wouldn't let myself speak: I'd love to put another fish in there just to see what happens... I'm picturing tanks on every countertop with fish in various stages of demise. Goldfish hospice. I don't think we're zoned for that.rXUŽThe Lincoln Square Chamber of Commerce Guide and Directory is about to come out with my piece on the cover. urlLink See the article online .rYTś Life has been pretty hectic with my two favorite people having monumental birthdays on the same date this year, but the celebrations were worth every second of effort. During the mayhem, I've tried to keep on top of my work, and I'm proud to announce I've delivered two commissions, been interviewed and photographed by the Chicago Tribune and done a Cartoon of the Week every week except one. (I got busted by friends for re-running an old cartoon that week.) I do realize that blogging, general accounting and making new architectural caricatures have suffered but I'm catching up quickly. Yesterday I went downtown and took some great pictures for future pieces. The best part of going downtown was that I had a Zek sighting! For those of you not in the know, Pam Zekman is a legendary Chicago watchdog journalist. She's one of my all-time personal heroes. I've even invented a slogan that she doesn't use: "If you're life is a wreck, call the Zek." We watch the pathetically painful Channel Two News every night just hoping to catch one of her always entertaining segments. Whether she's chasing a mob boss down an alley with an outstretched microphone and screaming, "Why aren't you working? The city is paying you right now!" or having a door slammed in her face by the head of a predatory lending firm ("You Channel Two news? You Channel Two News?? Get out of here Channel Two News!!") she's the toughest broad in the Midwest BAR NONE. I love that woman. And I got to see her on the street yesterday. Too cool. Ade the fish still carries on with her humdrum existence. I've decided she's just a low-tech fish. She refuses the great advances in the fish-keeping industry in favor of a clean water only existence. Whatever. As long as she gets healthy enough to be passed to her rightful owner. At which point I know I'll go down in the basement, see that new Eclipse Hexagon tank lying empty and run out to the fish store for a new occupant, starting this whole ugly cycle anew. If you don't know what I'm referring to in that last paragraph, the story is in an earlier blog entry. But a now-scarred friend points out that I must warn you: THE LAST BLOG ENTRY REVEALS A MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT IN THE SOPRANOS 2004 SEASON. If you are waiting for the season reruns or DVD release, and don't want to know what evil fate awaits a certain female character, DO NOT READ ON! Do send your best wishes to Studs Terkel, though. He apparently took a spill over the weekend and is recovering at an undisclosed location. All the best, Studs!rZUāToday I did not disguise my residence in order to throw off "visitors" who now know the location of my house and hence can climb through the window, cut off my legs, and replace them with salami whenever the mood strikes them.r[UxThis day I did not save the chip of my chipped tooth for the dentist to emulate in reproducing for the chip in my tooth.r\UxToday I didn't challenge the Four Fabulous Flying Fungi to a fencing match to the death (or cheese, as the case may be).r]U½This day I managed not to realize that I could not eat the raw cookie dough hiding underneath my bed in a neat, blue ziploc container that would hold my desire without fear of freezer-burn.r^U^This day I did not fail a friend in respecting his boudaries made of pizza lined trench coats.r_UÅToday I did not attack an Albanian fire-rabbit who, despite the telling bread crumbs on the floor, had really not eaten three hundred pounds of my very own, signature, one-of-a-kind-squid pancakes.r`U{Today I did not give a firework to a French librarian in exchange for the privilege of taking off my shoes in the mortuary.raUyToday I did not waltz into a bagel shop and steal 40lbs. of Russian Sailor spit with an incredibly large novelty thimble.rbUUToday I didn't do anything I was supposed to do. Nor did I eat fried green tomatoes.rcUvToday I did not wander aimlessly in a forest of dead iguanas while fighting off rabid chickadees with nothing to lose.rdU\Today I did not compete with Vishnu in a Connect-Four game of epic, and cosmic, proportions.reU9Today, I did not go medieval on a fake zombie's rear-end.rfU…Today I didn't push David off the cliff at Hillbilly golf, even though I really wanted to. (Going over par is no reason to be snide.)rgUPI didn't stalk Ed Johnson, sell 18 hats for $175,506,496 or eat mushrooms today.rhUƒToday I did not dissuade God from temporarily avoiding a downpour of rain while I hiked down a mountain and watched my sister melt.riU”This day I did not steal the cute asian twin baby girls or a curly headed indian baby boy while commencing to commence at the commencement ceremony.rjUThis day I did not fall on my face in front of all the customers at Ye Olde Steak House while attempting to seat patrons with grace and agility.rkUMToday I did not much of the possible, feasible, and the grey area in between.rlU%This day I did not do the impossible.rmUŸToday, I did not capture a boat of illegal immigrants in the yaught I don't have and force them to harvest my fields of kiwi with nothing but their bare hands.rnUNToday, I did not yell "Shut the duck up!!" at Andrew's angry, hissing mallard.roUvToday I did not brutally incinerate the people who cut in line while we were waiting for receipts for parking permits.rpUfToday I did not skip on the trapeze while juggling watermelons for a crowd of angry and irate midgets.rqUMToday I did not feed the camel I don't have a barrel of very salty cucumbers.rrUkToday I did not give Caitlin credit for her wonderful idea of creating this blog (How's that for paradox!).rsTeToday I did not wage war upon a colony of dustbunnies who refuse to pay my tyrannical tariffs because it would require me to actually get off my lazy rear and do work. Today Martha has not climbed on top of her roof where she was not abducted by aliens while eating fried worms. Today, like yesterday and tomorrow, Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.rtU‡Today I didn't tactfully handle an unwanted gesture of social good will without being a cruel, selfish, lazy bureacratic tax collector.ruU3Today I was not sent up the river without a wombat.rvULToday I did not eat three hundred pounds of tuna with a plastic butterknife.rwU…Today I did not raise my war flag high as I sailed on the oceans of orange ketchup riddled with toxic raisins bent on my destruction.rxUToday I didn't yodel the lyrics to "I'm too Sexy" while strapping a salami to my neck and running head first into a large mound of green jello.ryU|Today I didn't host a hoe-down in the middle of a blizzard, in Alaska, as a going away party for the Patron God of Florists.rzUßToday I did not raise a tiny seed into a varmint eating zombie tree from Venus while explaining to Elizabeth that affirmative comments even with conjunctions are not allowed and that double negatives vere dangerously close.r{U|This day I did not not understand what the hell Dylan was talking about in his mentioning of "Easterly" in a previous post.r|UMToday I did not leave the gates of Hell open while I went to go walk the dog.r}U`Today I did not hurl a pole throw the third story window of a rich, wealthy, young poodle tamer.r~UmToday I did not grow a third pair of earlobes while chastising Easterly who is dangerously close to cheating.rU—This day I did not let the sand slip through my fingers, and instead I kept a bucket underneath my hands to catch the few balmy, beachy, peachy grains.r€URToday I did not fall in love with a skeleton of the past dressed in neon overalls.rU†Today I did not sail the Seven Seas in search of a lost bus ticket that was my only real pass to salvation in the great state of Iowa.r‚UToday I did not die trying.rƒUJToday I did not tango with a tarantula because it just wasn't in the mood.r„UZToday I did not blow away on the wind's of change only to find I'd left my wallet at home.r…UToday I didn't gallop into the horizon only to simultaneously prove that the world is flat and that gravity, does in fact, exist.r†ULThis day I did not attempt to crush his soul, but where do I cease the pain?r‡UæToday I did not raise an unholy homeless army of vagrants and send them out to strike stink and bummery into the hearts of the streetwalkers under the slogan "If it ain't drunk, it ain't me!"rˆU{This day I did not succumb to the serene and subtle sounds of the solitary, stilletto-clad soul singing a sorrowful sonata.r‰U§Today I did not craft an invincible plan so foolproof that only the Hand of God Himself could prevent me from finally obtaining the fabled "Last Cupcake on the Table."rŠUĖThis day I did not resist the urge to watch a British comedy filmed with American actors while creating a birthday collage of press-on nails, sea shells, and empty makeup compacts with fingernail polish.r‹U†Today I did not finish my ACT and promptly drive to ACT headquarters, whip out a nailgun, and go to town on the creators of said test.rŒU|Today I didn't waste away into an oblivion of dust particles and cause someone to get a really, really nasty sinus headache.rU\Today I did not rise up, excel, conquer, and do the Hokey-Pokey with an inebriated squirrel.rŽUtToday I didn't raze an innocent fishing village because it had the severe misfortune of being named "Flamableville".rUkToday I didn't howl at the moon in the deep, dark grass in the big, black trees that are made out of glass.rUtToday I did not begin a 24-hour posting marathon instead of leaving for Georgia to be ready for my flight to Africa.r‘U½Today I did not transcend my adolescent form to become the One True Oyster and establish my shiny realm/utopia under the sea with a group of demented crocodiles armed with yodeling pillows.r’U‘This day I did not begin my training as new head blackberry picker for the Elysian Fields off of Highway 1 in Maryland for three dollars an hour.r“UŸToday I did not celebrate my birthday by putting on a grass hula skirt and run up and down The Strip while singing songs from Fiddler on the Roof in Sanskrit.r”UMToday I did not unilaterally invade a donut with sprinkles of mass yumminess.r•UWToday I didn't go where the Wild Things sing in the blue, blue grass of the Tidal Ring.r–U˜Today I did not destroy the world with my robot legions programmed to waltz to Rhapsody in Blue while wearing three piece suits made of yellow Post-Its.r—U‹Today I didn't plan the demise of all civilization while yodeling the Spanish National Anthem through a half-empty half-gallon of icecream.r˜UdThis day I didn't ransak the crevices of my body with the infernal regurgitation of flatulant fluid.r™U£Today, I did not go anywhere near the Forbidden Sofa Cushion in the Living Room of Fear, fiercely guarded by the Dog Who Is Not Large And Is Really Irate About It.ršUKToday I didn't boomshakalalalalawhoopwhoopdeedoo at least until happy hour.r›UČThis day I did not cheat on my boyfriend even though I technically can't cheat on him when I've got real bannana earings hooked onto my turtle wedgie... by the way, how DO you get those things out?!?!rœUŠToday I did not reveal the One True Pretzel to the Committe of Novelty Shoehorns for its' 14th annual Anti Blue Elephant Maiming Festival.rUBToday I did not bow down to the Almighty Ham Sandwich of 100% TunaržU`Today I did not wallow in the lush and boutiful vegetables of my hard earned, two figure income.rŸU›Today I did not ruminate on the possible implications of the proposal presented to me on the subject on whether I should or should not, indeed, do the dew.r U_Today I did not assault a yodelling panda who would not sign my petition to "Stave the Quails."r”UmToday I did not kill a rabid mutated kidney bean with a carefully placed, but foolishly aimed, jello javelin.r¢U„Today I did not glance in a dreamily hostile manner at a troupe of juggling anorexic chimpanzees on performance dehancing lollypops.r£UfToday I did not create my own universe of dancing iguanas for my own perverse amusement or tax breaks.r¤UToday I did not tear myself into two separate but equal parts in an attempt to segregate mind from body, heart from soul, and head from neck.r„U™Today I did not capture the elusive "Forgotten Puzzle Piece of Indecipherable Sky" during a voyage into the heart of the Mediterraen Sea Food Restaurant.r¦UmToday I did not fire my secretary because she was unable to tie my shoelaces into magnificent ice sculptures.r§UÓToday I did not take on the world only to realize it wasn't the world at all, but a poisonous caterpillar that caused me to break on in song and change the world in ways I can not cope with and retain my sanity.rØUˆToday I did not yell obscenities at a wandering toothpick repairman while using my flaming balls of wax to cultivate a new denture crop.r©TToday I did not retain any qualms over harboring illegal aliens from the wartorn nation of Luxembourg after I accidentally forgot to tell them that their library books were not only due, but were also time bombs out to ruin their reputations, lives, and impeccably maintained upholstery.rŖU¼Today I did not experiment with new posting options while engaging in a battle of wits with an orange bluebird in a red convertible in front of the whitewashed CAPITAL building.r«ULToday I did not rival the majestic elm or attack its delicate sensibilities.r¬U_Today I did not Dance the Jig o' Death without a cleverly concealed tire iron in my right shoe.r­UµToday I did not ponder the heinous crime of infrequent updates while partaking in the most divine Albanian Zebra Frog induced halleucinations I've ever had the misfortune to forget.r®UXToday I did not try to make up for missing yesterday by writing two times as much today.rÆU€Today I did not symbolicly misinterpret a spear aimed straight for my lung to mean that my 5 o'clock date was postponed to 7:30.r°ULToday, I did not do anything resembling an occult ritual or productive work.r±U’Today I did not rain thousands of anti-assassin party pamphlets on a completely unsuspecting troop of Girl Scouts in the middle of the Everglades.r²UCToday I did not dance with a flamingo who had two left feet of fur.r³UgToday I did not have a duck or walrus souffle served on the rotten husk of yesteryear's aborted dreams.r“U¢Today I did not entertain any qualms I had about a nuclear teddy bear with a strictly choreographed song and dance operation involving sparklers and laughing gas.rµUĒToday I did not dramatically implicate my cohorts in a series of murders, larcenies, and jaywalking that ended in public execution for all but the most depraved lunatics found in the judicial system.r¶UsToday I did not fly into an electrical light meant to distract me from my tuberculosis ridden peanut butter target.r·UsToday I did not fly into an electrical light meant to distract me from my tuberculosis ridden peanut butter target.røUøToday I did not melt into a gelatinous blob, pour myself into a series of limited edition soda bottles, and sell myself as a new "High Powered" energy drink to the unsuspecting masses.r¹ULToday I did not defend an assault to my honor with pistols, tuna, or purple.rŗUŖToday I did not frame my latest death warrant for the murder of three mailmen, an icecream truck driver, and a hobo who saw all of it despite him being three states away.r»UńMaybe this world is another planet's hell. -Aldous Huxley If you must focus upon detriments of your life, focus upon the ones that you are willing to improve. It is then when you are fulfilling a purpose, rather than just talking about one.r¼Uŗ"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Aeschylus This is pretty self explanatory. It's hitting close to heart these days, and I thought it to be appropriate.r½Tø" Relationships, of all kinds, Are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, The sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand And squeeze tightly to hold on, The sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, But most will be spilled." This truly hits heart, not because I feel just a sense of comprehension, but instead because I feel such a strong sense of relation. This has indeed happened to me so many times in the past, you think I would have learned by now, but I guess that is not how things work with me. The moment I feel as if I can consider someone as a good friend, I grab ahold of whatever I thought I had, in all hopes of capturing the joy of being able to share my life with another person rather than keeping it locked up inside myself like I have always done. But what are you supposed to do? Put all fear at hold for fear of running this newfound aquaintance off? Or, be the person that you are, and show this new aquaintance how you truly are on the inside? Because then aren't you showing the person the "real you," and isn't that the preferrable of the two because you'll be gaining a friend that accepts you for who you really are?r¾XŸI refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.ā€ -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1929-1968 Although the concept of world peace is so strong, and the possibility of never having to fear for one's life is so completely forthcoming, I do not believe that "the bright daybreak of peace" is something that can honestly be anticipated. Perhaps it is a flaw in my remembrance of the Bible itself, but didn't God witness conflictions, even with one solid language and set of beliefs, and react by creating numerous dialects? And perhaps it is the realist within myself that acknowledges the fact that since then, there has never been any situation that has even hinted to a possibility of a worldwide state of peace.ræTšDo not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glint on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn rain. When you wake in the morning hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die. -Mary Frye The sight of these words make me long for my Grandmother even more. Even though the poem itself suggests that she is not dead, but instead in everything around me, I cannot stand the thought that she is so close, but yet so far away from my very grasp.rĄT/From 6:30-1:30 I worked at Hardee's today. It was so stressful to the point where I was on the very brink of shedding tears. The female employees there are deliberately making it hard for me to do my job, not to mention the fact that I'd never touched those breakfast buttons in my entire life! But, on the brighter side of things, I got paid today. I worked 44 hours in the past 2 weeks, and definitely got paid for it. It's really nice! Tomorrow I work from 12-4:30, but fortunately I'm working with Kenny. He's so nice to me, and sure makes the time go by faster. Mom and Dad are going out tonight and I am so completely enthralled; we're all watching Lord of the Rings and vegging out. So nice! I also think I'm going to surf the web for a bit, and continue my college search. I know I want to attend a small campus, but then again want it to be by a larger city, so I could be subject to a wider array of diversity, and things to do as well. But, I need financial assistance, and that alone scares me; small colleges are expensive! But I'm sure it all will work out, because I'm a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason." God will be watching, so it'll be cool. Oh, and last but not least, my tennis record ils 4-3! Not bad, as long as I've won as many matches as I've lost, I'd consider myself in the green.rĮTŻTonight was the football game, and I am really ready to pull out my own hair. To the point of going bald, probably, if I could do it painlessly. Aaron is all over Jessie! Heather wasn't at the game, so I had to sit with my fellow saxophonists and I was ready to cry I was so upset. No one would talk to me past 2nd quarter, and I'm really really frustrated! WHY? That's all I want to know, because believe me, if I knew I would fix it. I'm really tired of always getting left out of everything by everyone. Marie's obsessed with John and wants to hook back up. John doesn't. They both tell me what they really think, but I'm too afraid to tell the other, but know I should to save each from humiliation. But I don't have the heart to break anyone's hopes! Me, well, things for me have just been peachy. I absolutely love the fact that I have friends who really care about me, who will stop talking about themselves for one freaking moment and ask me how my day went, or how am I today.rĀTŠAll of my friends are mad at me and I don't know why! Heather has been biting my head off this week over any little thing that she doesn't like, and Marie, well she won't even talk to me. Why? Because I told her I didn't want to spend every waking minute of my day discussing her recently ended "love life" with John Green. HE broke up with HER. That's that. Things are weird in school. All of the boys are bored because Danielle's taken (Alex's little brother, just a heads up), and she is not floating around anymore. Well, at least not as much as she used to. Aaron, well I do feel bad for the poor boy. But, hey, now he knows how that feels. The Melaro's are in stage band with me, and now I have someone to talk to. My classes are pretty cool this year: I am taking VHS too! Um...I'm getting treated differently because I am a varsity tennis player. Today MRS WILLIAMS of all people started to talk to me. And nicely, at that! Oh, and at Marie's party last weekend, she dared Robbie to kiss me, and he did. I didn't even know he was coming until he was there, to tell you the truth. So today at the tennis match, he was talking to my sister and some of her friends, and was all like "I was thinking about taking Jennica to prom." Yeah right. I would be afraid, number one. I would give him the wrong idea, number two. And number three, no freaking way. He plans on TAKING me? Why not first plan on ASKING me?rĆT•Tomorrow is the first day of my junior year of high school! I'm excited; this is my chance to change. I want to care more about how I look (okay- that sounds too weird- I just want to look nice), make new friends, possibly get a boyfriend, and just have a lot of fun. People always seem to have gotten the wrong impression of me, and I want my "image" to change. I want to be seen as loud, individual, fun to be around, but also at the same time intelligent and caring of others. I know I'm already seen as that by my close circle of friends, but that's just it-- only a few know the real me. Others see me differently. Way differently. We're playing Geneva tonight at their courts. I don't want to play them! My record thus far this year is a measly 2-2. I don't want a 2-3, because that would just be too pathetic. I know I don't deserve to be third singles. Yes, I worked hard, but Deirda or Catherine could easily beat me, and they are only playing first doubles...the spot I should really be playing. But oh well, I'm here and I am working my best at it, hopefully so the Bragga's can think that it was a good move on their behalf to put me there in the first place.rÄTUToday at work was relatively fun, for once! Kenny was working, and he's always a riot. I drew him a cow, he taped it to an unmentionable spot on the front of his pants and started grinding the freezer. Ahh! Needless to say, the time went by fast... Marie had a party lastnight. Greg, Ricky, Justin, Robbie, Jesse, Jessica, Ali, and Tyler came. It was pretty fun actually. I love hanging around medium sized groups. Not too small, but not too big. It was comfortable. I took a whole roll of film between Friday night at the football game, and lastnight. Now I just need some money to develop them.rÅT_Things are so screwed up. I don't even know what to do about anything. It's like my brain is telling me to do one thing, and my heart is telling me another. And this "confliction," is really messing me up. Why do people think I have no feelings? I am one of the most emotional people I know, and I know that for sure, yet so many mistake me for someone else. I'm uptight. I'm scared of my life and the people in it. I am easily hurt by the actions of others. I am caring to all others, and I expect that of everyone I know. But I don't get it more often than not, and that hurts. I lost my Edgewood match but played extremely well, and put up a good fight. Today was a match vs. Mentor, and I beat the girl, 4-6, 6-0, 6-2. It was bad, I played bad. I need to figure how to play *my* game, and not play good against the good people, and bad against the bad people. It's weird. "Meet the Teams," is tomorrow night. It's going to be fun, well at least I hope. Aaron's not going to be there, and that's not too good. He is the one person in my squad that know's what he is doing. He and I are cool now. I know in the spring it was touch and go there for a while because he practically left me in the dust for Danielle. ( And what a wise move that was, too.) I have a lot of fun at band these days, and that's good. Because I haven't had too much fun lately other than that.rĘTŹToday Marie called and said that "her relationship," as screwed up as it is right now, is "all better now." Why? Because she apologized to him for being mad that he spent more time with his ex. Oh God forbid he apologize for screwing her over for another woman. HUGE mistake, enough said. I am just about ready to go pick up my paycheck from Hardee's. It'll probably be around $100, and that's cool with me. I really need to put together a birthday present for Heather because her 17th is tomorrow, and to do that I need money. Talk about waiting until the last minute, especially for a best friend. Shh.... she'll never know. Tonight is the game, well, at 4:00 to be precise. I'm really scared to tell you the truth. Not only is the fact that I am playing a singles match against an Edgewood girl highly intimidating, but I guess a lot of people are coming to watch. I don't want a blue million people coming to watch me lose! (Talk about being negative, Jennica.)rĒTIOoh, Marie and John are.....well *reow* lately; John's been spending more time with his exgirlfriend, and denying it. I don't know what to tell Marie....how am I supposed to know what's best for her? I hate giving advice. It's like "Tell me advice or I'll hate you." That or "Tell me advice, it'll be wrong, and I'll hate you anyways." It's a lose lose situation. Hardee's is disgusting. There are too many ego-hungry girls there. Gary, the GM, is a dick. But hey, Kenny, the hot 18 year old drive through guy is funny. A "friend" came in today! Kenny said that he only saw him in there once before today, but has a feeling that he'll be in a lot from now on, and I am in agreeance. It's scary. I'll just have to be the "fry girl" whenever he walks in. Haha. Tomorrow is our first tennis match! I MADE THIRD SINGLES!!!!!!! Wish me luck.rČTßLately things have been...well, interesting. Heather and I are as distant as ever. I wonder, is that bad? Which is better: a friend who you are close and intimate with, or a friend that you simply kick back and enjoy life with? Marie and I are cool actually however. We're getting closer I suppose. Her and her boyfriend, John, are pretty good together. I wouldn't know from experience, but hey, somethings you don't need experience to make a decision. I've been having a lot of fun with Aaron and Jessica in our saxophone squad for marching band. I find myself laughing all too often at the small insignificant things, but I'm ahead for doing so. Because it's better to laugh at everything than to laugh at nothing. That's for sure.rÉTqThere's got to be more to life than waking up, going to work or any other required activity that is planned for that day, and coming home. And then most of my home time being spent miserably loathing my life, or being used as an "example" by my parents to demonstrate their lack of normal parenting skills. Is there something wrong with that scenario, or is it just me?rŹTķI started at Hardee's today. I'm really excited about the money, but what teenage girl wouldn't be excited at the prospect of pocket cash to spend? Tennis was crazy this morning. I challenged Allison yesterday and today and beat her both times 6-4, 6-4. I truly hope that I can earn the vveerrry prestigious spot of first doubles. :-) Next year I'm going to be second singles! Yay! Oh, and Suzanne said I looked skinner and asked if I was losing weight. That's always a nice thing to hear.rĖTÕArgh... things are kind of weird now. I just think that there is just so much stuff going on, I'm getting sucked into the oblivion of "scheduling" and "time management." Well, I'm gaining some valuable life lessons, and that's about all I can say. Mommy and Daddy should be proud... "Our little girl is growing up." Whatever. Growing up is disgusting. :-) Tennis NEC's were last Saturday! Yay! They were great. I lost to Edgewood's Andrea Essig, obviously, but I did play the best ever on her. I did score like 4 points, and I was quite satisfied. My consolation match, well, that was easy enough. I won 8-0. Then, my true feat of the day, I beat the Lakeside girl 8-2! Last time I played her, she and I were tied all the way through, and I was intimidated. Marie has got that "I've got Jessi, I don't need you attitude lately," and I hate it, but there's nothing I can do. Heather and I are the same, kind of in some kind of screwed up limbo land where nothing is wrong and everything is amusing. Well, I guess its better than arguing with her, and wondering why she's my friend. I've also made a lot of little acquaintences in most of my classes, and thats great. In my mind at least. Friends make class time fly by! I've got an AP test tomorrow, and I'm supposed to be studying now (notice the key word there: supposed). I've got a pretty good chunk down, but a lot to go. But I needed a break! (And the other part of me contradicts: Yeah right, Jennica, you just don't want to do it)rĢT:Wade called lastnight... finally. Heather gave him my number last THURSDAY and yesterday was TUESDAY! What's up with boys and the whole " I'll call you thing," and they wait forever. Ahh! The frustration! I got my paycheck yesterday, and although I am requiring myself to save half of it for a car (if I ever get past being lethargic and actually go get my permit), I have like $80 for homecoming. I iced my wrist all weekend, and I thought that it would be somewhat healed by now, but I guess I thought wrong. My forehands suck, and if I get 4th at NECs on Saturday, I think that would just be too bad. I have expectations for myself, and I worked too hard this season to let it slip out of my grasp! But yeah, other than that things are good. I'm making a lot of new friends, and I have so much fun at school these days!rĶTI really should be studying for AP History right now, but I don't really feel like it. I hate that class, I know I should drop it, but I won't because Dr. Patterson would be disapointed in me. I am honestly not too worried about the big test, but rather passing the class. That's my priority. Edgewood Band Night is tonight in Ashtabula. Joy. I honestly hope it is somewhat fun. I am really tired of band not being fun. It's aggravating, everything has been really aggravating recently, but I guess that is a big part of being a teenage girl, I guess, now isn't it? I guess everything is so hard to swallow, especially when it is all going on at once.rĪT So many freaking things are going on right now, and I don't even know what to do. Marie is really being horrible towards me recently, and I know its because she knows she can get away with it and still have me there for her when she's down. Today I said something about Aaron and Jessie, and she said "Well maybe it's weird, but probably because you're jealous of her because she got something you wanted but could never have." Me, being the better of the two, left the lunchtable, and went to sit in the lobby by myself. Heather and Jen are talking, and I read an email. I knew Jen would lose it in college, and she did. No specifics, because I really don't feel comfortable with putting them on the net, but I am really worried for that girl. She used to be a sweet little 4.0 girl, but now she's horrible, and I'm glad I don't have anything to do with her. But what really irks me is that Heather told me before that the only reason Jen is acting like that is because Heather was a bad influence on her. Well, if that is completely so, then this is Heather's fault, and Heather is one of my best friends!!!! How could this happen?!!? I'm really iffy about homecoming. I was excited when Wade asked me, yes, but now I realize that he probably asked me because that was the closest he could get to her. I feel horrible, probably because I don't know the boy very well, and am entirely too shy to do much about it. I know Heather gave him my number, but if he doesn't call, then it's just going to be pretty bad. I feel bad. If he is going to pay for everything...I'm going to feel pretty darn bad, but no one will know because I'm not going to open my mouth and ruin everything for myself. I'll just smile and pretend I don't think about anything. Argh!! I feel like screaming. Today in tennis I screwed up my right wrist even more than it has been screwed up. I couldn't even hit anymore, and had to sit out the rest of practice with ice. But, the good thing about that was that I got to talk to Ricky and Tyus, both of whom have been incredibly nice and polite towards me lately, and it really makes me feel good. Like I've got some good friends. You know? Jessie thinks that I hate her, but really it isn't her. Nor is it Aaron, directly at least. It's just that I would expected a lot more out of him, but I guess he's hormonal and now the typical boy. Funny thing is, I really liked him before because he wasn't like everyone else, and now he is. But anyways, she thinks I'm mad at her because what, she stole Aaron away from me?? Oh my goodness! Things are so wrong!rĻT*Wade asked me to homecoming! Yay! I'm really excited, but I'm afraid I am going to be a bad date! He's really cute and nice, so I know I'll have fun. Heather said she'd give him my number and tell him to call me. Ah, the wonders of being an old fashioned girl. I ain't callin' NOBODY! Marie is upset right now because she doesn't know what to do with herself no that she has no boy. I don't know what to do, she thinks Ricky and I have some sort of secret fling going on. Argh. Then Ben is all depressed and contemplating suicide, but then casually throwing in that if we went out to go see a movie, he'd be cool. I'm not stupid! I helped Aaron ask Jessie to homecoming. It was hard. But hey, I guess friends have to do what they have to do. I tried to handle this maturely, and I guess it worked. Joy.rŠTšThe football game was really a lot of fun lastnight. For once, Aaron wasn't being a dick, and I actually enjoyed sitting next to him. Heather, Marie, and I all got along beautifully on the bus, and we were making homecoming plans! I THINK I HAVE A DATE! Heather called a boy today, and asked him if he knew anyone I could go with, and he said no, commenting that he didn't want me to go with any of his friends because he thought I was better than that. So Heather suggested that he take me, so he said he would, and that he'd ask me! Heather is going to go with Joe if she can, and now we need to find Marie a date. Homecoming is going to be a lot of fun this year!rŃTõThings with Greg are really weird. I'm not going to play stupid, and pretend that I don't know what's going on, because I do. And I guess I can comprehend why he is acting the way he is. But I don't *understand*. I am just a girl, and no one needs to worry about me. Marie keeps telling me not to worry about these little things, but I do. I worry about a lot, but I have reason to. Things always get spoiled, so I take extra precaution these days. Who can blame me for wanting to keep what I've got?rŅT·I NEED A DATE TO HOMECOMING! There are a few people that I would go with if they asked me, but I know it's not going to happen, so why get my hopes up? Alex says he'll try to warm Aaron up to the idea of taking me. I just wish people would mind their own business. If someone is going to ask, I'd rather they do it because they want to, and not just because they want everyone to stop harassing them. Why do others insist on meddling in my life? It's MINE! I'm going to start volunteering for the junior high girls tennis team starting tomorrow. I really need volunteer hours, plus I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to share my knowledge in a positive way. Okay okay, I need volunteer hours for National Honor Society, not to mention college. I need to start rolling down the path of post-high school prep! AHH! School is really fun this year, so far at least. I'm a bit more social, at least during 6th period, and it's all for the better. Plus, my classes are fun, aside from Biology of course, and I'm not super stressed out yet (I love my run on sentences ~ oh well, that's what a journal is for; it doesn't have to be gramatically correct) I can use; as many; of these; as; I want; to!rÓT‚Aaron and Jessie like each other, and the other doesn't know. I know. I would love to remain quiet, but I know that's a little out of reach, especially when it comes to something as demented as this. He is 17 and half, and she just turned 14. I'm sorry, but there is a problem there. He is really mature, well at least in all areas except this, and although I'm sure she may be in some aspects, she cannot be in all. I don't really care though, oh well. If he wants to do that, and ruin his reputation, then so be it. I'm not going to tell him what to do, and as far as I can contain myself, I'll keep from sharing my opinions as well. Homecoming is coming, and yes, I guess I'll talk about it some more. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!! I have no one to go with really; I'm sure Heather isn't too enthused, and Marie, well, she has got a mind of her own lately. It was the whole "Miss Independant" theme after John broke up with her, but she's back to "I love him, I love him! I dont know what I'd do without him! He's my best friend!" Argh. So frustrating, not to mention sick. But I love Marie to death, and I'm sure it is difficult to get over him, so as long as she asks me for advice, I'll give it to her, and as long as she is upset about everything I'll console her. It's all listed as the duties of a best friend. Or at least I'd like my friends to do that for me. School is improving for me, especially stage band. Katie Baltzell told me I'm a lot chattier this year, and that's good. I'm trying to be! Last year I was really inclusive and it only was harmful. I really had my feelings hurt in that class, but this year I'm having a lot of fun. Nick and Neil Melaro are in there, along with Ricky and Justin, so I have some pretty good friends. Tennis is really great, I'm doing well at my 3rd singles spot with a record of 4-3, and Heather and I are having a lot of fun thus far. I'm just having fun this year, and I'm really working on my happiness. I haven't had too much luck with that lately, and I guess I've done a good job hiding it, because a lot of people would be surprised if they only knew what went on. But as of now, things are good, and I'm happy!rŌTŻArgh! -- I'm so stressed out about everything! Money, AP History, tennis, my job, you name it it's worrisome. But, I am trying my darndest to remain relatively positive, because once I let myself fall down a few notches, it's pretty darn impossible to lift me back up. I went shopping lastnight at Walmart with some of my paycheck money. I got some sweet new makeup, which I so desperately needed, a new blowdryer, and a few knicknacks that I really liked. I still have $40.00 left, and no spending that! I'm saving for homecoming, not to mention Chicago. BUT.... Mom said she'd give me $100 on top of my $100 from wreath sales last year. Now, if I could sell at least a few wreaths this year, I'm set to go!! Homecoming is rapidly approaching, and I really would like to go with a date. But, that's probably not going to happen, so I've already got my 2 best friends, Heather and Marie, as backup dates. :-) I need to go airbrush tanning, get some new shoes, shaper, and I'll be set.rÕTģI don't know what is wrong, but something is. I wish I could pinpoint the emotions that I am feeling, but I'm feeling too many... After school today something clicked in me. Heather and Wade were talking, and Heather is going trick or treating tonight with him and his nieces. I don't know why that bothered me, but it did. It's not really that I'm jealous; that's only what an average bystander would think. I guess I got to thinking about how I would love to get asked by a guy to do something like that. Maybe it's just me being upset about Sarah asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. I don't know why. Is it that the boys here at Jefferson are already taken, and the "leftovers" are the cream of the crop? Or is it me? Do I have some sort of personality quirk that people find annoying? Am I monsterously ugly? I just want to know what. I was watching a Baby Story this afternoon, and I felt sad. At the rate I am going, I'll never get to that point in life. That just makes me feel really sad.rÖT+I'm freakishly busy lately, and hardly have time for anything anymore. Dear God! Between UN papers, AP homework and notes, not to mention the exam coming up next Wednesday, and working all day on Saturday and Sunday so I can have enough money to go to Chicago.... Oooh boy. Tomorrow I kind of made plans with two different people; Marie and Heather. Heather wanted to come over tomorrow and play some tennis because it is supposed to be in the seventies. (Yay!) Marie wanted me to go with her and Greg out to Chinese and then to the Powderpuff game tomorrow night. I kind of want to go with them, probably because I'm partial to the Chinese part of it, but then again, I need to spend more time doing stuff with Heather. She's graduating this year, and I intend to have a blast. Let's just hope Marie doesn't realize what I'm doing, otherwise she'll freaking pull me hair out. I'm busy deliberating on what I should write on the back of Wade's homecoming picture I need to give to him... if anything. Ah, I'd hate to be pathetic, but it's too much fun to pass up.r×TI'm so frustrated. A lot of things are going on, and wow... I guess I'm really stressed out. I've been biting everyone's head off recently. :-( Ahh... oh well. Hopefully my friends are patient enough to bear with me. Tonight an all new episode of ER is on! I'm so excited.rŲT‰Ah...! I have to go to work tonight from 5:30 until 9. Not bad. Don't want to go, but it's not that bad. I'm just glad I don't have to pull an 8 hour shift. Argh.... I forgot to bring home my history book to do AP this weekend. Again. God, I am so forgetful. I need to get a new brain... mine has gone to dust. I think I am going to go to "UN" (ha) and really get some sort of a start on it, at least so I can get some points. Better than zero out of 15! Heather came over earlier to pick up her stuff that she left at my house yesterday, and to drop off some stuff she borrowed to wear for the dance. She brought some nasty, hairy, slouchy "I hate life" boy into my house and introduced me to him as "Tim," the guy I now realize she went out with last summer, and the very same guy that wants her now. Yay! I am so excited for her! She gets into a scratching eyeballs out arguement with her "beau" Michael, and now spends all day today with this guy. I know, I know, it isn't any of my business, but still, I can't stand to even think about the guys she gets involved with. I care about her way too much to see her around people she can do way better than.rŁTÅOMG! Homecoming tonight was absolutely crazy! I have a BLAST. Well, the second half when I was with Wade I did at least. The first half was crazy, Mike was being a dick, and Heather was stuck with the shaft. But, they got into a huge arguement, and Wade and I went off on our own. After that we danced, but I did feel really bad. I didn't want Heather to be left alone, so we went to go look for her to see that she wasn't actually alone, and she wasn't. So we gave them their space, went and danced some more. Danny and Alex VanAllen were there, and Danny was being stalkish and possessive of me. Argh, I knew that was going to happen. But oh well, I wasn't about to dance with him, because I know I'd give him the wrong idea. :-) But... things with my date Wade were a lot better than I had feared. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, danced a lot, and had an overall great time. Things at time were hectic, but he was so well mannered! He gave me his jacket twice to wear because I was cold, and made sure that he didn't leave me for more than a few seconds at the most. He walked me to the door, and I hugged him goodnight. It was really great. Oh, and we got some sweet pictures done too, I hope they turn out good. :-)rŚT I have finished my VHS paper today, and my brain is fatigued. It is nearly 1,500 words long, which isn't really a big deal, but then again it is because it was an extremely difficult topic to write about: The Positive Benefits of Human Relationships. I'm so proud. :-) I learned a lot of new things, and I'm actually really surprised at how much I enjoyed writing it. I've spent the last 6 weeks trying to pen an acurate definition of love, and I've finally realized that with all of the words I've written about it, I haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Love is just to deep to describe, and to varying to pin down. It's different for everyone, and how am I supposed to be able to honestly say I've written a definition when I've never actually felt love for someone of the opposite sex in a romantic manner. Tomorrow I get to stay at home again and chill, and yay (!), get to go shopping tomorrow night and skip the game at the same time, if that isn't the best thing that's happened to me all week. I am really hating those darn games, and it's just too cold on top of everything else. The people aren't actually that bad. Okay okay, Jessi and Aaron are always drowing in each others eyes, Ricky keeps asking me if Heather likes him (which, God no, she doesn't), and Marie is too busy reveling in her own baton twirling skills to notice anything around her. But I have fun with Heather, and that is great. Mom and Dad's 18th anniversary was tonight. They went out for a few hours to eat at Kork -n- Kettle (where I might be going for homecoming?) and came back home because they felt a little sick. But on a more "romantic" note, I think that is so unbelievably awesome. Mom just told me not too long ago that she was 16 when she got married to Dad. That is absolutely crazy, yet so completely enthralling that I am left drooling to hear more. I couldn't even imagine acquiring a worthwhile boyfriend this year, yet alone find the person that I am destined to spend the rest of my life with. But, hey, you never know; I doubt either of my parents thought it to be too attainable at the time either. I guess sometimes things work out totally different than you may have expected, and who's to argue? God is keeping an eye out, and He wouldn't let something too bad happen to those that He loves so dearly.... right?rŪT·Homecoming is next Saturday, and I have no idea what I am doing. I don't like the fact that making the plans is solely up to me! Wade asked me, and in doing so, I assumed that he'd care enough to even talk about it. He's paying, at least I hope so, and therefore I do not think that I am entitled to make any choices. Him not talking about anything is telling me that he doesn't want to go with me, and you know I wouldn't be too surprised if that actually was the case. I should have known that this is his way of practically going with Heather. But I swear to God, if the 18th comes around, and I have no fun, I think I'll pull all of my hair out... I have spent entirely too much time hoping things will work out well. Things around here are crazy, and I hate to complain, but it gives me bad feelings to even think about it. There is so much tension between everyone, and I don't like being here. I'm much more comfortable at school, and that is crazy! I'd much rather be around those strangers than my own family?! That's is wrong, but I can't help it; it's how I feel. But on a more positive note, Mrs. Payne gave me (along with 3 others) a lovely thank you note and a $30 gift certificate for the Ashtabula Mall this morning, which is absolutely wonderful because I really need that money for some stuff for homecoming. There it is again, that dreaded H-word! I need to stop, I think it's all this nervous energy flowing through these fingertips of mine.rÜTI honestly feel as if I'm stuck in this swirling oblivion, screaming, but no one hears me. I'm not going to point my fingers at the world, and pass it off as their fault, and not mine. It is mine. I'm too odd about certain things; I don't like faking friendship, and get upset when things begin to fall, I get hurt entirely too easily, and I hold grudges against those who have crushed my heart. But that's the thing! A smile is much more beautiful when it is follows a tear. I know I can make things better for myself, whether it be to just positively acknowledge what I have been gifted with. I'm a strong person more often than not, and I need to work things out within this twisting mind of mine, because, I'm not going to spill my problems on a friend and burden them with my own insecurities.rŻTThings with Marie are rapidly deteriorating, and I don't know what else to do besides watching it slide. I have tried, I really have. But everytime I talk to her I get so upset! How could she do this to me?! I thought I was a great friend, but why under the sun would she drop me for Jessi? Her and I have history, they don't. (As if that really matters, but hey, I'm trying). The tennis party was tonight, and surprise surprise: I wasn't allowed to go! I am actually in trouble with my parents right now, but I don't really care. They are the ones that flip over everything. I am only 16 freaking years old. How the hell am I suppsed to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and still remain civil. I just haven't had that much experience with stuff in general. Obviously I need it. Things are so bad right now. I am just really fatigued, and things are falling around everywhere I go. I am trying, I really am, to keep everything together and to remain somewhat positive about life in general. But, I am slipping.rŽTWade came over on Saturday, and it was actually a lot better than I thought it would be. I have to admit, I was afraid that things were going to be really ackward, but that's completely normal, right?! Haha. But yeah, my parents like him and he things my family is cool, so everything's all good. Then, on Sunday, I mustered enough courage to call him. And finally yesterday he sat at my lunch table. So, basically, I feel a lot more comfortable with things. Yeah. Tennis sectionals were today, and in a way I am glad that the tennis season is done and over with, because the whole match thing was frustrating (my record ended up being 10-6.... not bad). I am pretty sure that I am playing through the winter at the fairgrounds, and that starts mid-October and goes all the way through April, which if you ask me, is AWESOME. I'm going to be further skilled by next summer, and hopefully will be able to play 2nd singles well. I got home today, and saw that Marie called and left a message on my machine. Do I want to call her back? Because I know all I am going to hear about is how wonderful of a friend Jessie is. And that drives me up a freaking wall, because I have totally lost her. She has gotten so darn full of herself, that it drives me crazy! How does anybody honestly expect me to listen to her rantings and ravings every day. FOR ONCE, just for once, I'd love to have her ask me "How was your day, Jennica?"rßT8Things around here are so, well, stupid and annoying that I feel like ripping every single hair out of my head and shoving it down someone's throat. Wow, that was vivid. My parents are constantly yelling at me and biting off my head for every little thing. I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now, and I'm balancing it all surprisingly well considering my short patience fuse; however, they always "nitpick" for lack of better terms. Never say anything good about what I do, but just yell at me for what I haven't managed to do. Personally, I feel as if I am doing quite well, and I could care less what stupid little thing I get yelled at for the day. I have more important things to fret about, like my HOMEWORK. Bye Bye Birdie play practice was tonight. God.... it is going so bad. Telephone Hour is okay, Sincere is okay, but One Boy is absolutely dreadful, and I feel bad singing loud because I am the harmony, not the melody. But Sarah DeyArmand doesn't know her lines, so on Wednesday when we do act one again, I'm belting it out. I'm tired of waiting. I am just so freaking grouchy today, but oh well. People are stupid. Marie is really being dumb, and my sister is being ever so annoying and harassing about dumb and petty little things about "whether or not I have a boyfriend." I hate it. Everyone feels as if they need to conclude why I am the way I am, and what's more, tell me their conclusion. WHY? Because I think about it, tear myself up into shreds because that is exactly what I feel like right now, and feel even worse, because in all actuality, I am what they say.rąTWork lastnight was absolutely crazy. Kenny was there for a few minutes before he clocked off, and dear God... I got a lovely open ended invatation to "bang heads" to some 50's music. Enough said... Later though, a really cute college guy came in. I've never seen him before, so he must have been from quite a distance away. He was joking with me and asked me what sandwich I'd recommend, blah blah blah. His *father* walks in, jokes around with me some more. A few clever comebacks (on my part) later, he tells me "If my son comes to visit me more often, I'll have you to thank for it." As if that wasn't enough, he later beckons me to his table and asks me how old I was, and was flabbergasted when I replied that I was merely a junior. What was he up to? Trying to hook his son up?! Ha.rįTœ It's been entirely too long since I have written, and there has been a great void in my life. :-) Okay, okay, in all honesty, there is a great void in my life, but it is not because of not writing in my journal. There's a lot wrong lately, indeed -- I cannot pin point everything, but I figure hey it won't hurt to type away. In the best of light, its that much less time I have to bite off everyone else's head. This weekend has been horrible, well, this week in its entirety has been horrible. After a smashing tete-a-tete with Heather because she ditches me for Jen which lasted until Thursday, I had hoped that my weekend would be a little bit better. Ha! Well, we had a snow day on Friday so I couldn't get my AP History books or notes to cram this weekend.... the test is on Wednesday and I will have no time. Not to mention the fact that I have to play my saxophone solo on Saturday afternoon and it is absolutely dreadful. The volume goes all the way down to ppp for the ending two and a half lines, and Jesus Christ! -- I can't even play that quiet and still sound nice. My reeds are utterly useless; Vandoren Javas are definitely not the thing to be using when I am trying to play a nice classical piece smoothly. Okay I admit it! I AM stressed out, but I am feeling so low lately. I know that I am mediocre at a lot of things, and I am normally okay with that. But lately I hate to acknowledge the fact that I don't stand out in anything I do. I blend in with the other 6.5 billion people in this world, and to the average bystander I must scream "conformity!" I hate that! I utterly loathe being around people that are at an extreme in one thing they do: Aaron can play the saxophone beautifully, he is the most talented musician that I know. Sarah is phenominal with her acting abilities, her talent is so versatile. Marie is practically fluent in Spanish and is working diligently to get her Mentorship program completed for high school credit and to get a head start on her major decision. Heather for God's sakes is so damn skinny and gets all the attention from guys around her. And then there is me. Just Jennica. I know I need to stop it... I am going to end up dragging myself so low that I can't pick myself back up. I've done it before, and I know I am completely capable of shredding myself to pieces. I can do it the best- I know what my flaws are, where my weakness lie, and therefore I know which buttons to push. I don't do it intentionally, mind you. It is human instinct to be insecure with what you've done, what you've accomplished, especially when you see someone else doing it better than you; however, I know I need to rise above that and see myself in the best of light.rāT.I got called into work tonight, and my, it was nonstop action. Chicken was big-- yeah, obviously it is a Sunday night and people don't want to cook dinner. And God, I got bitched at tonight more than I do at home, which is a mild wonder, mind you. But hey, 6 and a half hours at $5.50 a pop--- whew! Am I racking in the dough! Okay, Okay! In complete honesty, my day was actually kind of nice. And I feel completely insecure about that fact, as much as my last two statements diabolically opposed each other. I feel good, but I am afraid that because I feel so good, the only way that I can go is down. Something will happen that will hurt me; someone will say or do something that will allow what I have allowed myself to feel tragically come crashing down. I need to stop, I know I do, but I can't help myself.rćT3Oh my goodness.. this afternoon, well technically late afternoon/early evening, has been the best of my days in a long while. A very long while. Kenny asked me to prom, and I so happy that I literally smiled for the rest of the day, up until dinner at least. Indeed, I felt a little insecure about the fact that a guy was asking me, especially after my lovely rendezvous with Wade at homecoming. So, although it may not have been the most appropriate thing to do at the time, I asked him flat out if he was asking me just so he would have a way to get there. He said no- actually, he said something along the lines of prom not being that important, but he'd have a blast going with me. That's flattering. And as if things couldn't get any better for me, he wanted to take me to Bilo with him to pick out flowers and a card for his mother. He knew I was going on break so he waited for a good 15-20 minutes in the lobby for me. Plus, guys who treat their mother great respect women...always nice.I feel important, I feel special, and God-- I haven't felt like this... ever.räT:Happy Wednesday... thank goodness that the beginning of the week is over with. Maybe it's psychological -- we know its Monday (or Tuesday--whatever the case may be), and we convince ourselves that that is bad. I don't know. In all honesty, this week hasn't been nearly as bad as I had anticipated, and that's great. Kent is over with (and I don't feel incredibly guilty because I managed to pull of an award with Alex), my term paper is finished (turned in to the MLA satan, gratefully), I made NHS, and I'm good. Okay, so today, Marie and John go into Dr. Pattersons room at the end of lunch (to do God knows what), and Heather and I are just sitting there--I'm thinking what it is that they actually do because they evidently feel as if the lunch room is not adequate for their endeavors. So I grab Heather and tell her we're going to find out. We sneak down there (I was wearing my bright red heeled hooker boots-- you hear them coming a mile away), and sneak into the office. Just as we think we did something successfully, Marie spots us. Oh my God, she was so mad. But it was so great. The whole situation is pretty disgusting actually, she's so infatuated and its amusing, but that's that. I don't care. It's her life, and as a good friend, I shouldn't denounce what she thinks is good for her, because I'm just wasting my time.råTI am so frustrated with Kenny right now. I haven't called him back after Tuesday because he really didn't want to talk to me then... we were supposed to do something tonight but he hasn't called me. What? Have I, yet again, attracted the wrong guy and getting my hopes crushed is completely inevitable? Probably. God I hate being this type of girl- so completely placing my heart in his hands, and if he doesn't call I'll believe that it was my fault, when I know that it is his fault but will refuse to believe it.ręTČBeing bold and daring such as myself, I normally would never discourage turning down a good dare... except swallowing pickle juice (I cringe just as I mention it). Oh my God, its like... permanent goosebumps in a jar. Anyways... let's just say I am now $2.00 ahead. :-) Wonderful. Today was a good day. I woke up to my alarm clock -- and of course I pushed snooze a good 5 times -- and when I went downstairs, much to my dismay, I realized that it was an hour behind. I forgot to "spring it forward" on Saturday night. I changed like a madman and practically ran to the community center for the senior Easter breakfast this morning. Chad was already there, and being the lovely friend that he is made a short but effective comment on how I look like a trainwreck--- and on top of that a lot different without makeup. Indeed, he needs to really work on his charm but hey, maybe he won't grow up to be a schmoozer like most of the guys I know. Dad took all of us out to Chinese tonight; probably a sheer attempt to cover what happened yesterday, and I am so not one to argue. I can never turn down a nice steamy hot order of broccoli and garlic sauce. But it was nice-- we didn't argue today like is typical of any school vacation week. And to top it all off, we played a mind boggling and table turning game of Pictionary this evening that did not result in any hurt feelings or torn hearts, but instead a bunch of sore mouths after all of that smiling. So yeah, it's been good.rēT¼Mom and Sarah just went to Chinese. That shouldn't bother me, but the fact that they totally just lied through their teeth to leave the house-- and me-- drives me absolutely insane. And it should! Just tell me the fucking truth... don't lie because (1) it is totally hypocritical, especially for my mom to do, and yeah, Sarah too seeing as she tries the hardest to emulate Mom down to the way she does her makeup; and (2) they are leaving the house to get away from me and Matthew. ME and MATTHEW- STOP PUTTING ME IN THE SAME CATEGORY AS THAT 12- YEAR OLD TORNADO! I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like him. So yeah, thanks guys. Okay, I feel like screaming-- and in a way it is kind of sad that this is the only way I ever have to vent. Kenny blew me off not once, but twice this week. Screw it-- I swear to God, is it me? I think I'm cursed, honestly. Why in the hell am I wasting my time with this boy- stupid me, I actually thought he liked me, that I finally met a good guy, a good well mannered and smart guy that I like. Well, I just got the cold shoulder for a Lord of the Rings game yesterday, so putting in that perspective, I should just go drown myself in my own stupidity. I haven't heard from Marie since Monday when she called me a bitch for being a little frustrating (and I was completely entitled to be upset, mind you). She told me that if I didn't go to calling hours I would be in the wrong. NO. NO. NO. Woe is she, no one wanted to listen about her and her fucked up life with her practically nonexistant and practically imaginary "boyfriend" John. I'm tired of swallowing what I want to say so I can listen to her. NO. It's not happening, and Monday definitely wasn't the day to try to overpower me again to talk about herself, and on top of all of that, call me a bitch because I didn't want to drop Dot's death. I had to gulp down my emotions when Carolyn died, I didn't want to talk about it but knew I had to because she was my best friend. Again, STUPID ME.rčTĪ"Everything happens for a reason, and God is always on my side." Ironic. God-- you did this for a reason... I wrote this for a reason-- you knew this before I did-- you knew I needed to reassure myself that I can handle anything this morning. Dot's gone. Lastnight at around seven she drove off of the side of the road and hit a tree... and God took her with him to His home. It is so hard to swallow this because Dot was so full of life, goodness she had a 16 year old son, Brad. Why? I know he needed her with all of his heart, I don't think he has a father. She was the only one that he had, and now he has no one. Goodness, I am hurt so much today, and I am not even directly affected... I don't know what to do.réTOh goodness, today hasn't been the greatest of days. It started off horribly-- confrontation with dad (whats new) and dealing with my wildly unrestrained siblings as fun as that is; but hey, the day did get better. I worked with Heather and Kenny, my two favorite Hardees people of course-- my best friend and my boyfriend (God I feel so weird saying, or typing that rather). I argued with my dad again when I got home-- again, absolutely horrid experience. But... we apologized through eye contact at dinner, and I feel okay now. I read some AP, listened to the Les Mis soundtrack, watched some Friends reruns, and here I am now. No, not the greatest of days indeed. But, I have all of my limbs, I am not plagued with any serious contention, no illness thwarts my ability to live my life to the fullest, so I'm good compared to some. And I guess that's all I can ask-- to realize that when I am having a bad day, that many have it worse than me, and I really need to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and God is always on my side.rźT®Ahh... another day come and gone, thankfully. Sometimes I really wish that I could entirely jump this "stage" of life, and leap right into the heavens where I would not have to deal with the woes of life. But, indeed, then I realize that that statement itself sounds suicidal, and I do not intend it to be so at all. But I guess I'm safe typing it here, as I don't really have anyone to misconstrue my words as they do when I speak them. My friends are completely forgetting me. And whats just as bothersome, I am asking my self if I am really that forgetable? I lost my best friend on Wednesday for good, and I'm working on losing the second one. It's inevitable, I should know that by now. I get to the point where I can share pretty much anything with someone, or goodness, even cry in front of them and not feel guilty, and they disappear. I really cannot do this much more, and I mean this wholeheartedly. The words that are coming out of my mouth these days should not be disregarded or underestimated. I mean what I say (and what I type), and I mean that I cannot be stepped on for much longer. I am just about to break into a million pieces and scatter into the wind, nameless and lost.rėT\Today should be entitled as a "blah" day, and it is worthy of said title. But it wasn't. I stayed home from school and called off of work because I have been feeling horrible the last couple of days, all culminating in this morning's aches. Honestly, I have been so emotionally down this week, I think it spread to a cold. But that's besides the point. When mom came home from work, and brought Sarah and Matthew with her, things all of a sudden turned somewhat upward for me--and I am surprised. I have gotten to the point where I know no one cares, I don't care, and I don't care if I stay like this. It's really gotten to be a permanent part of my life and I don't think it is going to change for a while. But today, I drove my parents and sister around town, went to Sonshine Corner and found Kenny's birthday gift (God I really miss him today-- I just want to be with him again) which I didn't feel too confident about when I first (reluctantly) decided on it, but am feeling okay now. Then we all went to Chinese which was nice. Matthew wasn't there, indeed, but it still was nice, circumstances considered. We're all at home now watching movies, and it's still nice. I don't know, perhaps its just me sick and dillusional, and I know I'll wake up tomorrow morning and cry because its another day that I don't want to experience, but for now, I'm in this really weird mood. Actually I have the perfect way to describe it: it's like I'm standing in the eye of my latest hurricane of a life, and things are calm, but for only a few minutes before things spiral again. Wow, that's kind of scary. I am really scaring myself.rģTuWalk on through the wind, Walk on through the rain, Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on With hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone. I really need to get out of Jefferson. The longer I stay here the longer I ache. I am happy for Heather, I really am. She is going to be able to take her life to an entirely new level, hopefully a level better than the last. It is just hard to swallow the fact that I am not going to be able to see her very often anymore. She'll want to move onto bigger and better things, away from this part of her life she'll probably just refer to as a rut. And I don't blame her. I would probably do the same thing. Actually, I know I will do the same thing. But just a year later than she.rķT6Work Friday night, Saturday night, tonight, and again tomorrow night. Whew-- one more night to go, and then I have 3 days off (hopefully one of which I will be able to spend with Kenny). :-D Tonight was an absolutely hideous night, but it is over with. I want to type it out, but I think it's best left as what it is: the past. I really need to stop dwelling on these petty things that really bother me. I honestly think it is my greatest flaw. Ah... Jennica in a nutshell. Two more weeks of school, two more days of it with Heather. It's going to be weird, probably for the worse, but I'll learn to deal with it. I heard Jen Konopa got a job at the Cove as the new shot girl. I don't exactly know how I feel about that, but lets just see if Heather will tell me or just lie about another thing concerning her and Jen.rīTI am ever-grateful for this site. Honestly, it is not like there are throngs of people lined up to hear my woes. It's really easy to vent to someone, or something rather, that does not yell at me when I push its "keys" too hard or too often, or does not scold me when all I can say of my day is something negative. So thanks. Here we go again then--all of these little things that like to pile on top of my head (and scream into my ear) and finally just explode I guess. Tonight in entirely was so bad I suppose it could constitute as one of those days. The "prom dilemma" of this past weekend bothered me to no extent, but I didn't feel like complaining to anyone. Ha. Mistake. It came back to haunt me today when I watched the video my mom so painstakingly taped on Saturday and the pictures I developed. I looked so freaking horrible compared to most of the girls there, and I'm not just being critical of myself. I liked my hair, but my body is getting horrible and I really thinking that I looked like a crossdresser. My face looks like a pug dog. Completely flat. And it is really sad that I never notice these things until they are too late. I saw the pictures and cried, and the tears just haven't stopped flowing from these eyes of mine since. Once--just once-- I would love to be able to dress up, people to actually tell me I looked pretty, and for me to feel good about myself for before and after the pictures. Just once. Mom won't let me go out on Thursday night with Eliza, probably to Ashtabula or something. She says I am abusing my privileges, but I cannot see it, especially considering the fact that I haven't gone out with anyone since Kenny and I picked up his tuxedo like 3 weeks ago. I've talked about it but haven't gone because of various occasions that my attendance was requested. But not to mom, geez, she makes it sound like I've been out every night upon night. I don't understand. Indeed the weekends are "the time to go out" according to her, but maybe she should realize that on weekends I work more often than not. Perhaps we can also throw in the tidbit that there are only a couple of weeks of school left, if that, and it's not like the most grueling and intense grading period is looming ahead of me right now. Heather had seven days of school left. Seven days, and BAM! she is completely out of my life. No more skipping fourth period with her, no more pastry club, water fights, daring hallway endeavors-- nothing. The only friend, if we shall call her that, that I have left to hang out with is Marie. It's my senior year, the last year at this high school that I would like to refer to as a rut in my life, and all I have is Marie. Love her to death, but I cannot stand this every-other-day friendship. Who could? Anyone with a shaky heart and able to get their feelings heart over virtually anything most certainly could not, and sadly I fit into that category. Praying. Maybe that will be the answer, but I know I am being so pretentious right now that God probably could not be moved by my selfish wants to help me out of this point in my life. But I cannot do this myself; I cannot dig myself out of this mud puddle that I am currently sinking downwards in, and that worries me. Summer is breathing upon the back of my neck, ready to jump forward full force and I have nothing to do. I guarantee our family will fight, I will be the scapegoat for the majority of our problems, and I will sink even lower. This is what happens every summer, but I'm really afraid of this one because unlike every other year, I am not looking forward to leaving school.rļTPMe: Why do friendships have to be temporary...disposable? Jesus, I keep clothes longer than I keep friends! Max: Because friends can't handle your awesomeness? Max: But really babe, Life is a tragedy to those who feel and a comedy to those who think. Don't be offended she isn't your friend. Just think of it as her loss, and laugh.ršTTalked to Aaron today. Can't tell you how I feel about that quite yet. I want to hang out with him next week, but I'm afraid he'll think more of it than I will. I made pina coladas and watched American Pie 2 with Eliza tonight. She hates Jefferson, I hate Jefferson... we have something in common. Argued with Marie. She called me rude, and I told her she was being a fruit. Ah, the wonders of a good friendship. Attempted to talk to Max. Her mind is elsewhere. Talked to Ben. He's confused and drowning in his own testosterone.rńU¬My Chinese fortune for tomorrow, and how true it is: "Don't offer to pay for others in any sense. Empty promises will cause upset. You must consider yourself for a change."rņT6Just got back from the pathetic attempt of a street fair hosted by our very own Village Council. The beer garden was bigger than the fair itself-- including the rides, which I may add were also equally as embarassing. Marie and I had to sell tickets, and we got out of it a good 45 minutes early, thank Goodness. No hot guys though. I really need to meet a new guy. The question is where... but the good ones come along when you aren't really looking (actively, I hope). So does that mean I am screwed because I am now keeping my eyes open because I'm single again?róTCWent to NHS with Marie today. Saw Matt Kidd... I swear he gets hotter everyday. Went shopping with Eliza for 7 HOURS. Hung out with Marie again. Yay! And tomorrow... (drumroll, please) I am getting a pedicure with Marie and Shauna. Maybe even Chinese, but we'll keep that one on the low down. I love incomplete sentences.rōT,I am a Natural Beauty! You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless urlLink Definitely the better part of my day! :-DrõT People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must mbuild upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.röTHow to make a Jennica Ingredients: 3 parts friendliness 1 part humour 5 parts energy Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little curiosity if desired! Username: urlLink Personality cocktail From urlLink Go-Quiz.comr÷T‘I just got home from Marie's, and I can honestly say that I had a blast tonight. I guess that was totally in line, after my partial nervous breakdown this morning. We went to the ice cream shop and split a turtle sundae, and then stopped at Bilo Video to get a movie, and eventually (after much deliberation) decided on Chasing Liberty, Mandy Moore's new flick. Truthfully, it wasn't that great, but entertainment with my best friend was quite enough. Marie and John have gotten quite chummy lately, and I am so unbelievably happy for her right now that words could not describe. Not a lot of people know Marie like I do; she has tried from seventh grade on to find a "boyfriend" of sorts, and has not been successful, probably because just like many her age, she was attracted to something she just could not have. Then, completely out of the blue last year someone actually pursued her, and off and on over the past year and a half, they've been "together." I don't necessarily like the boy because he doesn't treat her well, but she is truly in bliss right now, and I don't blame her because for once, something with a boy is actually working out. And I hope that this continues, because I love seeing her so happy. Oooh... Dad and Sarah are arguing. Sarah got in trouble and is trying to defend a situation that she has no footing on, and her desire to be the "goody goody" her soul cries to be. But it drives me absolutely coconuts because I hate hearing her try to cover the mistake she made-- the only way she can do so is to step all over Matthew. She searches for the temporary solution, and to me, I just cannot see the goodness that my parents think she epitomizes.rųTMy life is rated PG-13. What is your life rated? J Juicy E Exhausting N Nice N Neglected I Influential C Careful A Arty Name / Username: urlLink Name Acronym Generator From urlLink Go-Quiz.comrłT] Max is such a sweet girl. I wish that she lived closer, we'd have a blast together. I think the greatest part about her is that she is not afraid or intimidated to tell people what she thinks or feels; to me, that is the most admirable quality in a person. Life is too short to have people step all over you, and for a person not to do anything about it, and have their feelings crushed into the ground as if they were cheaper than dirt. And just by talking to her over the net for a while, I can safely make that judgement of her, and I love her so much more for it. She makes me smile, and unlike most of the people that are in and out of my life right now, she has never said an unkind or insensitive thing to me before. On the other hand, I tried to call Heather to tell her that I can't go to the club tomorrow night, but she wasn't home; if she's not home, she's probably up at Hardee's, so I went up there and there she was. I succeeded in telling her I can't go, and succeeded in getting highly upset, again. I'm too damn sensitive. All she had to say to me was "Oh, can't you do something with Marie?" CAN I DO SOMETHING WITH MARIE?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I feel so loved; it was me or Dr. Feelgood's and they chose Dr. Feelgoods. A skanky nightclub with red glitter all over the walls and drunk guys everywhere. Incredibly fun, but I am so much better. I guess that's just me though. A representative from Anderson University in Indiana called me this evening to say the college was "highly interested" in me. After looking at their website, I am "highly uninterested" in them. Get this: Sexual misconduct is any violation of campus standards related to sexual behavior, including premarital sexual relations and homosexual behavior. Sexual misconduct may include cohabitation, overnight visitation with someone of the opposite sex, or other sexual conduct not believed to be in keeping with university standards. Pregnancy outside of marriage is the result of sexual misconduct and is a violation of campus standards. Students violating campus standards related to sexual misconduct are subject to disciplinary action, and are usually required to undergo counseling. Parents are informed when pregnancy outside of marriage is known. This is YOUR CHOICE to make. Okay, I can understand the first paragraph... I believe it is up to the individuals involved, but I can understand it. But the second paragraph is completely out of the question. Pregnancy outside of marriage results in counseling and parental notification? What the fuck? An extremist Christian school for you. Hahaha, the craziness!rśTłI just got back from the Senior Center's ice cream social, and it was mega fun. I had tennis practice this morning until ten, so I had to bicycle home in a fury to take a quick shower and be at the center by eleven. I wore a cute outfit, and did my hair too, because you gotta dress up for these things, and it poured on me halfway there. But it was so much fun jumping in the puddles. I wish someone was with me, but I still succeeded in getting soaked and having a blast. Haha, and my hair got so unbelievably curly because of it! Chad was at the center with me for about an hour, and I swear to God he gets cuter everyday. So not "dating material," but a great friend nonetheless. I love happy old people. They are just the thing to make a bad day better.rūTU"The glitz, the glamour, the nervous smiles. I got so caught up in it, I could almost feel my heart breaking, when I was left all alone backstage. I sat completely alone in the dark auditorium, watching with tears in my eyes and envy in my heart. A little boy sitting in front of me, turned and stared, like little boys do. All I could do was smile and think "I swear I have friends". and from the depths of my heart I thought... "They are all up there, doing what they love...without me". I shrank back into my seat, feeling small and utterly alone, but I couldn't help but smile for my those who were up there, having the time of their lives, and being completely fantastic." Thanks to a fellow blogger, I am able to express in words (or cut and paste rather) my life in a nutshell, well at least in the past 2 months. Thank you ever so kindly.rüTX Just got back from Matthew's baseball game up on Club Field. They lost...again, but it was just as much fun as it would be if they had all played better. I don't know what it is about baseball; I think it is the uniforms the guys wear that are so hot! No, no, not the little boys on Matt's team--I'm talking about like high school guys and up. Okay, nevermind, this is going nowhere... haha. Surprise, surprise. Mom and Dad won't let me go to Dr. Feelgoods on Friday night with Morgan and Heather. Dad says anyone who wants to go there "must not have their head screwed on right," and Mom ever so kindly added that the only reason I want to go is because I am a follower; only because my friends are going, and because I don't get invited out much, I jump at any and all opportunities, regardless of their worth. Ouch, that burned. I really WANT to go, I don't feel OBLIGATED to go. Mom says that it just isn't my "scene," and I'd like to think otherwise. I am a fun and responsible teenage girl, and please don't begin to argue that teenage girls wouldn't want to go to a club to dance and meet new people...ahem... cute guys? Argh... my parents like to argue that they actually know me better than I know myself (and how many times have I heard that one?), and it just is not true at all. So I guess if, well "when" really, Heather or Morgan calls to see if I can go on Friday I will tell them I am not aloud to go to the club. I guess if they are good friends they'd be a little more flexible to where they are going that night. Friends would do that, wouldn't they? God, I hope. Mom kind of put things in perspective for me today by telling me something I've been telling myself the last couple of weeks: Let what you love go, and if it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours. I've gradually been letting Heather go, and it really doesn't look like she's coming back. It hurts, oh God it hurts so much, but I think that I am better off. I was in awe over Mr. and Mrs. Bragga today at tennis practice; truthfully, I'm always admiring the relationship that they share, but today it was really endearing. You know, they were high school sweethearts. God, I really wish that I would meet someone new- I guess I am kind of glad that Kenny is out of my life (in and out in a snap, practically) because I don't think we were the greatest match. Indeed, I had a lot of fun with him when we were together, and I never thought this when we were around each other, but I guess I kind of saw the situation through rose-colored glasses. Who knows? I'm not living in the past anymore-- I really want to start over, and as difficult and unfeasible that is for me right now, I want to do this ever so badly. I don't know. About what? Again, I don't know. I'm not extremely upset to the point where I cannot function. Surprisingly, I'm verging on happiness here. Yeah, crazy, huh? Well, that's me for you.rżTPWriting in this online "journal" of sorts has become quite the routine-- haha, for once I can actually keep a tab of my emotions in a positive form! No, actually, it's really nice to go back and read my later entries, because then I think-- as I did today, at least-- that I have become much more positive over the course of the last month or so. Anyways, Mom let me drive all of us up to WalMart today, and even over to Walnut Beach, which was a blast by the way. The water was freezing, so I sprawled across the blanket to bask in the sun, and oh do I have a sunburn to show for it. But it doesn't really hurt, so I'm hoping it's temporary. I went to hang up babysitting signs today, because as of last Sunday, I am no longer employed at Hardees; by my own accord, of couse. I hated it there. So, I'm hoping at least one person will call me, and I'll be able to get some money for this summer. Tomorrow is our first tennis practice! I am somewhat excited... indeed it is not going to be anything like last year, and yeah, Sarah's in it this year, so it's going to be even more weird, but I'll make the best out of it. I hit with Jen last week, and I wasn't bad considering the fact that I haven't played for about 8 months, so hopefully the Braggas won't be wholly disappointed in their future 2nd SINGLES player... Just can't let Allison pull ahead...ržTLastnight I spent the night at Morgan's-- she actually called!-- and it was pretty fun, considering it was the first time I've ever been over there. Surprisingly, I was not wrought with angst or unfamiliarity. We went on a great search for marshmallows because we were going to have a bonfire, but because it was late Sunday night it was harder than we had anticipated, so we ended up going to Dairy Queen because there was like 4 really hot guys. Always fun! Um... went to Hardees because Mom wanted me to ask Heather when her brother Donny's birthday was. Things are so unbelievably tense between us two. She got a tatoo on her freaking ankle! God how stupid can you be? And it was a lizard on top of all of that, how hideous and cheap. Aside from yet another rant, we got into another "mini-fight" lastnight and I didn't want to see her today, but it was alright I guess. No cat fighting, and that's always a plus. Matt's game started at 6 but we got rained out...again. I was actually looking forward to it. But it's okay I guess, I'm searching for more scholarships right now, and it's proving quite unsuccessful, so I need the time I can get. Anyways, I gotta go, Dad's harassing me to get off so he can play. Whatever, I'll finish up explaining my eventless day in explicit detail later!r’TŗI was thinking... how have I changed over my junior year? I want to make a list of memorable things that have happened this year! :-) Fun! (1) I have experimented with my hair more... pretty adventurous. Let it grow out or a while, but then cut it short again. And I learned how to do an updo! (2) I swear more, but only when the situation merits a good curse word. First time I've ever said fuck in front of my parents, ouch. (3) Got and lost my first "real" boyfriend, Mr. Kenneth Carvahlo... a lot of firsts...haha (4) Began my driving rendezvous! Can get my license on September 1! (5) Began and quit my first job at the infamous Hardees. Better forgetten. (6) I have become much much more rebellious-- skipping class and the like. :-) almost got my first detention. (7) I actually had the nerve to tell the deemed "senior king" Peter off because I can't stand his egotistical ass. (8) Went to both homecoming and prom with a date! (9) I rode my first rollercoaster ever this year-- and it just so happened to be the biggest in the world. Millennium! (10) I went away from home, to Chicago Illinois to be exact, with my Model United Nations team. Mom cried. I loved it-- well, not her crying, but the trip. (11) I won awards at both Kent State and YSU this year all by myself! (12) Dancing-- ahem-- that one will remain exclusive between me and a few others who shall remain unnamed. (13) I got accepted to the National Honor Society and while I did not deem it as my accomplishment of the year, my parents were happy. (14) I made 2nd singles on the varsity tennis team and won 3rd all NEC. Kicked this girls ass from Lakeside, some fat chick who had a mean forehand... enough said. Hey, I was proud.rTI just got back from Matt's gig at Jennifer's Coffeehouse. I went with Doug--the most conspicuous of all true "party-goers," and it was alright I guess. He really didn't talk...he's the shy genius type. Very nice though, I don't mean to judge. Just not my type. He has a nice car though. God-- I can't believe I just typed that... it sounded so hollow and pretentious. Haha, no, he is a well mannered boy, good natured, and I had fun. Matt Kidd is just so cute though, but I could never allow myself to get mixed up in the love triangle he's entangled himself in. It's just better to gaze from afar... We met Rachel and Beth at Rachel's and got there around 7, but they didn't start until around 7:30. The coffeehouse itself wasn't too shabby, but pretty typical of Conneaut in that it wasn't the Tajma Hall of all coffee shops. I saw Jo though! God it was great... I met her other couple of friends and we talked hair. She got my number and we're gonna do something next week, which is exciting because I need to go out with some new girls. I want so badly to expand my horizons: meet new people and do new things. I think I am already beginning to do that a little bit, but I don't know if I can continue this. I got my hair cut today, too! It's actually really cute and flippy. I want to highlight it so bad, but I can't because I am currently without a job, and without money. I want with all of my heart to look nice-- I want to do my makeup and hair and wear clothes that make me feel good. I think that I will try to fulfill this goal of mine. Ah, what a new haircut can do for you... ACTs are tomorrow morning. Ugh! I took my practice test today and I got a 24. I shouldn't complain, it's not nearly as bad as Marie with her 16, but just isn't good enough for me. I need a 27. I want to go to a good college, but my GPA is so messed up right now, and I need a solid ACT score to show college admissions committees I am smarter than what a glance might entail. So yeah, I'm going to pray so hard tonight... I need all of the help that I can get right now.rT—Kenny is so unbelievable. He hasn't called me since last Thursday, and I want to know what the problem is. Is this his discreet manner of "breaking up" with me? Is he extremely busy (I doubt it) and has no time to call? Is he upset with me, and does not thrive on confrontation? I hate this. I don't like not knowing what is going on, because I can't do anything to fix it. Breakfast this morning was actually a lot of fun. Marie did indeed pick me up, a few minutes late, but at least she came and wasn't grouchy. We sat by Greg, Doug, and Rick, and "chatted." Mr. Bragga even paid for breakfast for all 15 of us! And the tip! Completely amazing; not only is he one of the nicest men that I know, he is also the most generous. This world needs more men like him in positions of authority as he is currently. People who actually cared, not out to stab the next guy in the back and rob him of all of his worldly goods.rT+It's about 8:20 and Marie should be pulling in any second. And I guarantee she'll complain about the garbage cans being out, even though I pulled them a good 5 feet away from the driveway. Ah, the woes of a new driver! Actually, we have an NHS meeting this morning at "Mugs," the local diner for those who wish to be seen by rising members of our thriving little town here. Not my top choice, but hey, I get breakfast and I get to see some of my friends. Not to mention finding my genius friend Doug Walton because I think we might be going to see Matt Kidd play at Jennifer's Coffeehouse tomorrow night in Conneaut. Still have to find the number for my mother so she can call and make sure they don't "serve alcohol," because you know me, Jennica the hidden alcoholic. Wish me the beginnings of a great day!rT¹I love weird objects: crazy shoes, crazy hair, wild and unrestrained personalities not afraid of what the world might through back at them. They make me feel so fulfilled, although I do not quite know why. I absolutely adore just pausing and letting the very winds of life blow through your hair, in one ear and out the other, and letting these winds inspire creativity. God, I don't know what is with me tonight, but I feel as if the entire world is in my hands. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and do it because no one is stopping me. I am not stopping me, like I normally do. I feel so content right now, and I don't know where this has come from. Goodness, I swear I have split-personality disorder. Just an hour ago I was crying and could safely say I felt for the first time in my life why some people commit suicide. They feel cornered--I felt cornered--and that's really scary to admit. But at the same time it makes me marvel at the way that I work. I have true confidence in ways that some could never imagine, and I know that I am able to conquer many of the things that I fear just because I would like to know that I set no definite borders for myself. I love the things that scare me.rTlMy goodness; for once, I do not have any negative words pouring out of my fingertips. I don't think there are any words that could describe what I am feeling right now. I am not in complete euphoria, but I've had a lovely day. And I am listening to Whitney Houston's Greatest Hits right now-- a person could never feel down while listening to the queen of soul herself. :-) I only have three more nights of work at Hardees, and that is so completely exciting to me. I'm not going to have a job, indeed, but it is going to be so nice to not have to deal with the people there anymore. Liberation at its heightened best.rTĻOooh... something is getting under my skin today and I cannot quite pinpoint it. This morning was fine, actually, so I'm kind of surprised. Dad actually let me drive Mom and Sarah to the mall-- we had to help Sarah pick out an outfit for her singing "debut" at the Lake Erie Speedway next weekend. She got the cutest little pink outfit, complete with a "pimpin'" hat... she is really going to look hot. Then we came home and BAM!... irritation. I'm sure it has something to do with her hip outfit-- and then me standing there with my nasty hair, nasty body, and a tee-shirt and jeans. Actually, yeah that is it. I love clothes so much, but nothing will fit me, and I don't have any money to buy the ones that do. I guess I'm a cute person on the inside that's screaming to look cute on the outside. But it's kind of impossible-- I've got the most screwed up body proportions and I end up looking stupid more often than not. I hate the way I look so much, and I am afraid that I am going to grow up and become one of those really fat women with a huge gut and a nonexistent sense of fashion. Graduation was lasnight; I've been dreading it because it has been the primary source of the majority of my angst this past week, and It was just pulling at the corner of my eyes for tears. Heather didn't say a lot to me yesterday, actually she ran off to do something else, and I didn't see her afterwards. That is that. Our friendship is basically through, and it absolutely kills me. I went through drive-thru lastnight, and Kenny was working. He said that a friend of his had died, and I really want to know what happened. He didn't say much, and I didn't push it. I guess he'll call when he wants to talk to me. I completely understand not wanting to talk to anyone... actually that is what I am like all of the time. I think I am supposed to be going to the mall with Morgan tomorrow.. we get paid! I saw some bras on sale at Fashion Bug, and I am going to get them if we go. I need them so bad.rTĖI don't know what to do. Everyone around me tells me to shrug these petty indifferences the world has with me, but it's harder done than said. Perhaps if the transition from being put up with to hated was gradual, I could handle this rapid decline. But it's not like that. It's all of a sudden, and just as people's opinion of me has lowered, my outlook on life has taken a nosedive. I know I cannot deal with this for much longer. I tell myself I can, but deep down I know that I am not strong enough to swallow the hatred that the last month--and all of the people and places-- has thrown into my face. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow, it will be another day, I will fall even lower, and go to sleep again. Marie came over tonight and we went out to ice cream. A medium turtle sundae to be exact, and absolutely delicious at that. It actually was the highlight of my day thus far, and again I find it amazing that I can have such a horrible day... such a horrible week, and something so small can make me feel better instantaneously. And what's more, how quickly I can fall back into this limbo land where anything and everything can leave me in tears. This is wrong, it feels wrong. A person should not feel like this. Ever.rUgborderline urlLink Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by urlLink QuizillarT¬Professor Batty, you make me smile. Erin's little brother is absolutely adorable, and such a joy to be around. So inquisitive, and so bluntly honest. Hopefully when he grows older, he will keep his impecable mannerisms, desire to learn, and quirky personality, because these are the qualities that that set you aside from the remainder of the 6 billion people in this world. I am really liking the single scene... again. I like not being obligated to call, obligated to talk, you know, just the whole "obligation" of being there for another person. I don't think I'm very good at that. I'm not reliable. Not consistant. Although, I must admit, I am sure it wouldn't seem like such a hindrance, or such a downfall on my behalf, if I actually cared about the person. So, I guess I am not entitled to say that I am truly exhausted from making attempt. I cannot denounce what I have yet to experience-- meeting a person that will bring something out of my very depths that I have not seen before. However, people talk about how greatness and sheer optimism just seeps out of their pores when they are with someone that they love, but I've never heard someone admitting that a bad side surfaced. Is that because it doesn't happen, or because no one can bring themselves to admit that they failed at what is deemed to be the most natural, easy thing that could ever ever be done when the situation is real? I guess my point is that I think it is better off for me to be single, because I don't have "what it takes" to be with someone that I do not think the world of. And at this point in time, I think the world of no one. I don't know where that came from. Goodnight to all, and have the sweetest of dreams.r T>Something about the last four or five months hasn't been so appealing to me. Although I didn't know it then, I am can now say readily that I was not happy. But the past week or so has been rather enjoyable, and I am beginning to feel as if I am tasting the goodness of life. And it's pretty sweet. :-) If Erin calls back anytime soon, I might very well perhaps go to see Sarah in "Fiddler on the Roof" a second time tonight. After all, I have a comp-ticket, and I can't let that go to waste. Birthday countdown continued: 4 days! You better all be there for me on Monday!r T Mom is taking me to get my hair done for my birthday on Monday (yee-haw!), and I know I want to do something wild that would really make people think, "Jennica?" So how about a cute platinum blonde pixie cut with hot pink? Any objections? :-D Marie and I went over to John's house earlier, and what I saw really made me smile. You have Marie, who is completely head over heels for one boy ("one special boy... one boy to walk with, one boy to talk with, one boy... that's the way it should be..eeeeeee" lol). And as cute as the notion of her adoring him so is, it was even more adorable to see the feeling returned. They are both tickled pink over each other. It's so nice to finally see Marie floating in sheer ecstasy; for her to be completely oblivious to all else but her feelings for one person. It's so raw, so pure, and so untainted, and so rare! She's truly a gem. I'm liking these comments you all are leaving me. They make me smile. For those of you who have, keep it up; for those of you who have not, by all means do!r TUJust waiting for Marie to come pick me up; we're going out to Mugs before our NHS meeting this morning. You know, sometimes I really just sit back and marvel the friendship that we have. One day we are laughing, talking, and enjoying everything for exactly what it is -- no more, no less. And the next, I can honestly say that I do not wish to converse with her ever again. But I know, no matter what happens between us, that if I ever need anything, she is the first person that I could go to because not only would she help me through whatever it was that I had trouble with, she would do it with a smile. I love you! Never again shall I underestimate the power of prayer. I feel so good. So... new. Now hopefully my sickening optimism will begin to effect those around me. I saw that someone left a comment in my blog yesterday afternoon, Professor Batty, and I am left pondering whether he was a passerby or an avid reader, left hanging on my every word. :-) Nonetheless, having a complete stranger tell me that I was awesome was indeed wonderful. People should engage in that sort of thing more often.r UmYou know I'm awesome, so why don't you tell me so? :-) http://blunttruth.bolt.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=7243211r TMJust a heads up, Mr. Hero's mayonaisse is really really good on wafer fries. Mmmm.... and I hate mayonaisse. Oh yeah, I have the next 3.5 days off. How very sweet. We were watching a home video this afternoon, and there was a clip of Grandma at her old house. It was nice, to finally see her face again. Birthday countdown: 6 days!rT•My hand hurts, I burnt it on the grill. Ugh, gotta be back there in exactly eight hours and fourty-four minutes. My paycheck better be big, lol. You know, I put up with a lot of the things you do, but I am not going to put up with this petty, immature, seventh grade little merry-go-round you think you have me on right now. Go play with Christina, maybe if you are good your mom will give you a cookie.rTI hate Ryan. Sczherlonko or something. Jerk. I hate driving, I suck at it. I swear to God, I didn't see the red light. I have to work tomorrow with the "hot chick" everyone talks about. I hate shallowness. I hate how Marie is starting to hang out with people who have no running definition of the word "class," and suddenly she seems to think it's rubbing off onto her. And have to listen to her tell me that making out, hypothetically, on the first date, or making out in the back of a loaded pickup is "not a big deal." Had I have asked her that two months ago she would have been vividly opposed. But then again, nothing is ever shielded from the turn of time. And yes, I hate that too. The only person I can ever depend upon is myself. Here's to my usual inner grouch. Cheers.rTaHeather came over tonight. I actually enjoyed myself. I want to talk to Marie, and hear how her night out with "the Greene's" went. My tongue is about to fall off. Damn this jalapeno cheese. Why are some faces beautiful, why others are just average? http://www.uni-regensburg.de/Fakultaeten/phil_Fak_II/Psychologie/Psy_II/beautycheck/english/index.htmrT*Dear friend, Part of me wants to call you right now, to put all of what has been going on behind is, and to have you back as my only true friend. But the other part of me rationalizes: wouldn't it hurt less for me not to talk to you, than to talk to you and realize that I am not important to you anymore? You say I have never opened up to you. I'm sorry. I just cannot seem to live life sans this happy masquerade that I've been putting on for everyone. I honestly don't think that I could pen my emotions into words, and furthermore, tell those words to you. I truly believe that if I actually "opened up to you," as you so casually coin it, you wouldn't want to be friends with me. You are friends with this happy, optimistic, fun girl that I've been throughout junior high and early throughout high school, and I am so afraid that if I begin to tell you some of the things that actually actually go through my mind, you would find out that I am not the person you've always thought me to be. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know why God put me on this Earth, and that is a question I need to find out. But this is what I know right now: that you are the one person I've ever been able to trust e-v-e-r, you are the first person that I want to call when something good happens to me, the first person I want to call when I just want to cry. Advice? I come to you first. But what I also know is that throughout the course of the past month or so, I have not been that first person on you've come to for the things that really matter. And that hurts more than I think you could ever imagine. And there is nothing that I can do about it right now, because I've already told you how I feel. If someone is your true friend, you let them go, and they will come back. So now I am just waiting. So, they say that people change with time, and with that, I am assuming friendships as well. I do not know what to do. They also say that you never stop loving your first love, so I guess that could also mean you never stop loving your first best friend. You know who you are.rUćThe therepeutic benefit in being alone sometimes is so completely underestimated. All day I've been around practical strangers, or been by myself. No dealing with my family, no dealing with my "friends." Just me. And I like it.rTeWhy do people lie to themselves, and others, day in and day out? Isn't life precious to live life in truth rather than fallaciously? Yeah, I'm talking to YOU. You have hurt me so much in the past two weeks; I don't think you could ever imagine. Maybe that is because you're too caught up in yourself to notice, or because you just don't know me well enough.rUßBarbie Got Back! Go you! You're the closest thing ever to a true black Barbie. Shake that fat ass of yours. urlLink If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by urlLink QuizillarTųThis is me: I am extremely stubborn, and it takes close to an earthquake for my opinion to ever change. I see everything in black and white: either it is or it isn't. When I am sad or hurt, I cry; When I am frustrated, I cry; When I feel as if there is no possible thing I can do or say to help a situation, I cry. But, as quickly as a resort to that measure, I'm finished. My pain soaks in. But what most people don't realize is that just because I don't cry doesn't mean that I don't hurt. Actually, me yelling and carrying on could very well be much better than me staying quiet, because I remember what you people have done to me, and I will never forget it. I don't trust anyone. I can't even trust my family. I am too afraid of getting hurt, getting disapointed. I can't open up to people, because I'm paranoid. I think I'm finally going to trust someone, and they'll betray me. My self esteem is now at an all-time low. I feel ugly, I know I'm getting fatter, but I don't have the motivation to change it. And what's worse than my angst about my outer appearance, I think that the person that I have become is unattractive as well. I chase away people, completely unknowingly. I completely fuck up my relationships with those I care about, but I don't realize it until it's too late. And then starts the dwelling... I frequently alternate between feelings of high self worth and complete and utter disapointment with myself. So people get mad. I am paranoid and narcissistic. At the same time. And I hate it, but it's me But I'm Jennica. Incredibly eccentric, friendly to all (even though at times I shouldn't be), fun to be around, and worthy of your love. So, note to all: I'm not as scary as you might perceive me to be.rTsSometimes I wonder why God put me where He did; why I have the friends I do, why I live the place I live, and why he made me the person that I am. Because sometimes, I just wonder how much of it is shaping the person that I am becoming. Instead of dealing with what is thrown in my way, I've become accustomed to just grin and bear it. Is this what the purpose of living life is? For a quick "run-though," when instead of dealing with problems, I just glance, smile like I care, and continue on my way? I'm just beginning to realize that I'm doing things all wrong. I'm worth a hell of a lot more than people are treating me. So, their gonna start doing things my way, or no way at all. I don't understand. Why do some people tend to breeze through life happily while I have to work to achieve any sort of satisfaction? Please God, help me. Stop making waking up so damn hard.rTsWhat an eventless day. I went to the senior center, but Chad nor Vickie came, so I had to "chicken and rice myself" by myself. Woe is me. :-( But on a more positive note, I sat next to Millie today and we lamented over the extremely tall UPS man because he was too young for her and too old for me. There shall be a void in all of our lives from now on, for we are living it without seeing him. Haha. I got some stuff to bring to Hardee's later for Heather. She tried to call off of work, but being the witch that Cindy is, she "was not allowed." Whatever, don't tell me that of the growing list of employees, floating around 30, you couldn't get ahold of the other 25 who weren't working tonight? Sdaflkasjdf. I've still got to go get her some dinner, but I am not sure yet. Something that will last a while if she can't eat it right away. Maybe some chicken and rice soup and an eggroll. Back to work tomorrow, but with Laura and Cindy so it's alright. Then I'm not working for the remainder of the week-- Friday, Saturday, and Sunday here I come!! Note to self: Download "Let Love Keep Us Together" and call Marie tonight.rTA great day; the closest to the definition of "satisfactory" that I have gotten to in such a long while. And what's even greater, I don't know why. Heather is sick--- yes, still!--- and I am pondering what to bring to her tomorrow to make her feel better. I'm going to make her dinner, bring some extra cans of soup, some movies, the newest Cosmo, Vicks, and DayQuil... I don't know what else yet. I guess I just realized that I am not the only person hurting right now, and sometimes I have to just paste on the "political smile," and be there for those that care for me, even if it is just a fraction of my feelings for them. Lost Aaron's piano copy of "Aria," and called him just to tell him so. Completely dodging the verbal lashing I expected to receive, I can now feel just a little bit more relieved. Well, I'm off to indulge myself in "Under the Tuscan Sun," and a huge bag of potato chips that just seem to be screaming my name from the opposite room. I'll be back tomorrow night, same time, same place. :-)rTųI don't know why I haven't been writing about the "goings-on" of my life. Too lazy perhaps. Or maybe it's just that I haven't been able to put my emotions into words. Got my AP scores, a measly 3. Dissapointed, but not to the point I am not going to carry on with my life. I know I worked my ass of in Dr. P's class, and a score is not going to make me believe that more. So what's done is done, I'm moving on. I talked to Heather yesterday for the first time in about a month or so. I don't quite know how I feel about that yet, but hey, a single conversation is not something for me to build any assumptions on. She' s a friend, that's all I know. Not my best friend anymore. ***Note to self: Ask about NHS meeting if I haven't already missed it.**rTĀWent to Mary-Jane's today from about 8:30 until about 5:00 and it was actually nice. She is such a sweet "ol' lady," and she's fiesty too-- my kind of person! I really felt guilty taking money though, because I'm used to volunteering my time with the elderly, but I didn't argue when he threw like twenty seven dollars my way for "adult sitting." Eliza and I played tennis from 8 until about 9:30, when it got so dark we couldn't even see the ball anymore! Hahaha, these guys came so I initiated a grunting contest, and we successfully reeled them in. What can I say, watching Wimbledon not only put a lot of plays into my mind that I can't pull off, and Serena taught me how to grunt. Time well spent.rTcUgh, bad day. Screw it all. Kenny, ooh, well, I can safely say I achieved what us women like to call CLOSURE this evening, and it feels sooooo good. Ben stopped over today by surprise, and asked me out for Friday night. Fine with me, I just hope he is not anticipating any more than going as friends. I'm just tired of dealing with the stupid trivials that boys have thrown into my face, and frankly, I'm not in the mood to tolerate it anymore. I have to go to "adult-sit" tomorrow morning. It's going to be really weird. I'm going to wish myself the sweetest dreams tonight because I think I deserve it.rU®I am still on the edge of decision when it comes down to whether or not I call him. I am not over him whatsoever, and this is making me a nervous wreck. I'll be back later.rT•I still haven't talked to Marie. Well, "still" doesn't accurately describe the situation I guess; a single day doesn't deserve so drastic of a word, but hey, a single day seems like an eternity when someone you care about is no longer talking to you. But I'm not going to think about tonight, because you know what? They say the only way to have a friend is to be one. And that's all I've ever done to this girl. She's talked about John, and even though it sometimes hurts me, I still listen intently. And then she goes and does this, virtually the only thing she's had against me in a while. Yeah, the things I wrote about her weren't the most flattering comments, but for every bad thing there was a good thing. And Marie completely refuses to acknowledge that, AND the fact that I never intended for her to read any. What I expressed online I have never expressed to her in person, because I love her and would never put our friendship in jeapordy. I miss Kenny a lot. I miss talking to him, I miss seeing his McDonald's smile, and I miss the way that he smells. Part of me is seriously debating calling him. And I don't know if that is completely stupid of me, but I think that I would regret it more if I didn't call him at all, then if I did and he blew me off. Because then I would know that we're not talking for a reason, and that it's better off this way. Alright, I'm going to bed. Wish me very very sweet dreams.rT­Mr. Hero's hired me. Yay. 21 hours next week, so if I keep thinking about the money maybe it will sound a little better to me. Um... I'm babysitting an elderly woman with multiple sclerosis the next two days. Just a little out of the ordinary, but hey, again it is money. Dyed Matt's hair lastnight--- I didn't buy a bleaching kit so his hair is a little on the orange side. But nonetheless interesting, perhaps verging on cute.rU6What are friends for, huh? I'm speachless... for once.r UŌOn my way to Mr. Hero's for a job interview... ugh. I don't want it. Gotta get Matt a card for his birthday. I wish there was a fast forard button to my life. If I had my pick, it be about 4:00 tonight right now.r!T&Spent all night chatting with Marie about her life with John -- perfect in all its entirety. It really drove me nuts; indeed, I don't like to talk about myself, but I sure as hell don't want to talk about her perfect boy hours on end. And it gets a little tiring when I hear the "sexcapades" of others who attend Jefferson, and all the while Marie and her not-so-comforting voice saying "you need to meet a guy like John." I need to meet a guy who doesn't call often, and gets angry when you mention it; I need a guy who doesn't really place me high on his priority list. Um... yeah, I went through that, and frankly, it's not worth my time and expense of emotion. I barricaded myself in Matthew's room all afternoon, watching movies and roasting in the stifling heat. Not bad, actually. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" often frequents my list of "must-sees;" who can resist a love story that verges on surreal-- complete with the physical transformation from the ugly duckling to the swan, the introduction to the perfect man who loves the not-so-perfect woman, and the almost fantastical blossoming of the close-minded family to a friendly "free for all"? Definitely a must see. So here I am, yet again, continuing my seemingly pointless college search. My time is running out, and thus my patience is weaning as well.r"UāEvidently, the psychotic trait runs in the family. Going to Marie's tonight... Lord help me. We're going to the library tonight too; I want to get a book with a suspenseful plot so I can divulge myself in someone else's life.r#ThSt. Anselm's Argument Point By Point: 1) God is defined as the being in which none greater is possible. 2) It is true that the notion of God exists in the understanding (your mind.) 3) And that God may exist in reality (God is a possible being.) 4) If God only exists in the mind, and may have existed, then God might have been greater than He is. 5) Then, God might have been greater than He is (if He existed in reality.) 6) Therefore, God is a being which a greater is possible. 7) This is not possible, for God is a being in which a greater is impossible. 8) Therefore God exists in reality as well as the mind.r$T_I don't know where I am at in my life. Marie says I have to learn to love myself unconditionally before I expect anyone else to. She's so right. It's just that I don't know how. Girls I know are being stupid. Sex is not what makes us all tick. Especially when you are in high school. Parents are going psycho... please let tomorrow be a better day.r%T—Heather called and left a message on the phone, so excited to talk to me because she just talked to Kenny. Well, she called from work, so whatever he had to say must have been good. My stomach is churning right now, and I just don't understand why. I've been trying to tell myself that I really don't care what he has to say, and that I was just too good for him (that itself was eas to say). I'm trying to dissolve any emotion that I may have felt for him to just throw heartlessly into the winds of time, easily to be made a part of my past, but it's just a little more difficult than I had imagined to eliminate as part of my future. Or future thought that is.r&TEYour Husband Generator by urlLink Lady_Galadriel Name Your Husband Is You Met pool party You Have 9 children You Live russia In a basement You And Your Partner Are Best Known For constant rude outbursts Created with the ORIGINAL urlLink MemeGen !r'TŸI am so frustrated, well, frustrated does not even begin to describe my angst right now. AAaaaaaaaaaaa- why do people automatically assume that I am some strong person who can stand up to my problems and stare them right in the face? My way of solving the problem is running away from it, and licking my wounds in the dark away from all else. Calling Heather is never going to help me, it's just not the way I choose to deal with my problems. Heather has not called my house, so why call her? In fact, when she had the chance to come spend time with me, she blew me off and did not call me back. On my behalf, what part of that is inviting for me to call her and try to extend our friendship another month? And what part of that is inviting for me to make an effort not to end our friendship on a sour note? She is ignoring me. She could just as easily be calling me. But no, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me because I am "upset." Upset! After how many years of calling you a best friend, you run away because I am upset? Frankly, I hope she moves out of her Clay street house further away from me. I hope she goes to college and never calls me back. It just hurts too much to continue anything with her... I can't even think about the situation, yet alone call her and try to mend it. It's just not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. She's my past. Mom says I can have a bonfire the weekend of my birthday, and I am actually pondering it. I really don't want this to verge on a party, I just want people to come over and hang out. I don't like the added stress that people are not going to have fun though. So that is the only thing that might actually stop me. Possibly.r(T0Asdlfakjsdofalf. I try to just keep some things in the past where they belong, and someone has to bring it up all over again. It just hurts so damn bad, and I don't think anyone begins to realize that everytime I hear her name, my insides just ache thinking of the two years of my life where I could safely classify her as my best friend, and she just drops me at the beat of a drum when I'm "upset." Nice. Really really nice. Went to see Spiderman 2 with Jessie tonight. Sarah was and probably will continue to be angry with me for being what she would like to define as "two-faced." I would like to call the same characteristic not judgemental of others for rumors, or mistakes they have made that are not so easily forgotten. People are more than they act to be. They have insides, they have feelings, and just because they are not friends with my sister does not mean I am going to shrug of their politeness to me as if it means nothing. Talked to Marie on four separate occasions today. First time she was livid, second irate, third satisfied because John called, and fourth tired and ready to go to bed. She's like a gerbil in one of those little running wheels...keeps going around and around, eventually too tired to carry on, but goes through the same routine the next day like it's her first time. Only Marie. ;-)r)TĀWent to Geneva on the Lake with Eliza lastnight. She met Mike, practically the only truly nice boy that I know (but am NOT interested in). They exchanged numbers. Yay! Ran into Mr. X. and was clued into a major part of his life that he's successfully kept a secret from those who are not close to him... until yesterday. I am was, and still am, completely shocked, but hey, I guess that's a part of life, and something I'm growing to deal with. I'm going out with Jessi to see Spiderman 2 tomorrow night, and we're supposed to meet Kyle there. Hopefully it all works out, because Kyle really needs to hang out with friends now, and who better than me and Jessi? We're cute, and a lot of fun! Talking to Max now-- God I know exactly how she feels, but I don't know what to say to her. No words can describe my sense of empathy towards what she is going through, not now, but most of the time. I feel the same thing most of the time, but I never know how to deal myself, so I am not the most qualified person. I really wish we lived relatively close to each other... we'd have so much fun! Max rocks my world. Note to self: Download "This is War", by Smile Empty Soul. Remember to download it, Max says its sweet.r*TšI stumbled across the most beautiful song today: "Slumber My Darling" composed by Stephen Foster (composer of "Beautiful Dreamer") and preformed by Allison Strauss. A lulluby in its purest form, this song could be the soundtrack of my life, playing every second of everyday, keeping me mellow and relaxed, and I don't think I could ever grow tired of listening to such joy. I absolutely love it. "Slumber, my darling, the till morn's blushing ray brings to the word the glad tidings of day; Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight, Thy pillow shall sacred be from all outward alarms; Thou, thou are the world to me in thine innocent charms." Tell me you wouldn't enjoy being lulled to sleep by that.r+TüWork tonight was actually nice. I'm making new friends! (*Ahem* and tip money) :-) Well, truthfully, I think my self esteem gets just a tiny boost to and from Colucci's Pizza, because I have since realized since my "initiaton" into the virtuous shop that these girls actually like me. I must not be coming off nearly as high-falutin or arrogant as I must to the others in my life, and it makes me happy. That someone is actually seeing Jennica. I'm just not used to that. Mom is still iffy about Teaching Academy next year. I want to go, and spend half of my day away from the horrors of Jefferson High. But, mom thinks I am skipping out of what I've worked so hard to get to: my last year of high school, where I don't have any extremely demanding classes. Dilemma... Back to band tomorrow after a whopping two-day hiatus. Dreading it... Dreading it so much, but what's new? Just one more year... Oh speaking of graduation, I called Grove City College today and made an appointment for a campus tour and an interview on the 18th. I'm really nervous and really frustrated, because it's tuition is the cheapest of any college I deem worth my time, and Mom is really going to give herself an ulcer over the tuition. Hopefully, financial aid will come through for me, because I fear that is the only way that I will be able to fulfill my dreams. I've got to challenge Allison tomorrow for tennis. No practice, thank the Lord. Mr. Bragga was playing hard-ball with me today and it really made me angry. Normally, I would have no problem throwing the ball right back into his court (figuratively), but I can't really do anything but stick up for myself for fear of losing a top varsity spot I know I would have otherwise. Ah, the woes of forced respect, even through it's not really earned.r,TƒYou are driving me up the WALL. You're blind. You are not assertive, and that drives me insane because I am the complete opposite. Maybe one day, years down the road, you will look back and understand why I said the things that I said. Not because I'm jealous, not because I am just simply "mad," but because I see people stepping all over you, and I think you deserve more than that. Hopefully I'll just have the patience to keep putting up with this. And you. You went for a stupid boy, too. What's going on with all of you girls lately? Don't you realize that if someone doesn't treat exactly how you know you deserve, that someone down the line will? I don't know. Well, what I do know is this: I'm always there for all of you whenever I think you need someone to fall back on. So why aren't you here for me now? Is it that you think I know you care? Because I don't. Tell me once in awhile.r-T"A chickpea in a pot leaps from the flame, out from the boiling water, Crying, "Why do you set fire to me? You chose me, bought me, brought me home for this?" The cook hits it with her spoon into the pot. "No! Boil nicely, don't jump away from the one who makes the fire. I don't boil you out of hatred. Through boiling you may grow flavorful, nourishing, and united with vital human spirit. I don't inflict this suffering out of spite. Once green and fresh, you drank rain in the garden; you drank for the sake of this fire.r.UVickie: "You've got way too much wisdom for a girl your age. You're like Yoda or something, but the way cuter teenage version."r/TMI bought a car! It's so wonderful, and what feels so great is that it is mine and that I paid for it by myself! I wish you all could just fly over here, sit in the backseat, and revel in the uniquity. Marie, Heather, and I all hung out tonight at the house with my family, and I really had a blast. It's been so long since we've had fun like that, and it was completely called for. Everyone's been so stressed out lately; Marie with John, Heather with college, and me, well, when am I never stressed about something or another? Anyways, it was a really great night over here, and well, I felt energized. Max is giving me a speech on the difference between showing off your body and being a slut. I hope my comment about Kenny didn't throw her off the brink of insanity. I have gotten so tired about hearing and talking about sex. I'm tired about hearing and getting caught in the middle of lies. And I wish so badly that I could just tell everyone what's happening, but I can't. So I stay dazed. It's probably more of a permanent character attribute by now. But hey, this perfected fake smile comes in handy so much. I don't even know what I'm talking about really; the one thing that I hate about teenagers is the drama of all of the sexual tension. Ugh. I'm giving myself a headache. Tennis tournament again tomorrow for the, what, third day in a row. And it really bites. Thank goodness I don't have to play until noon, because I can sleep in, play tennis, and have some workable amount of energy on hand by the time I go to work. Tonight has just not been a Jennica-smile day, and I apologize for the excess of cynicism. I'm giving my self a freaking stomach-ache. I just need to remember to live my own life and to not be affected by others. The same things will be there to bother me wherever I go; it is a shame these are the things that bother me so.r0TśI know I promised a solid, truthful entry, but I just don't know if I can fulfill that tonight, guys. I'm literally exhausted, and my eyes feel as if they are going to slam shut. Just a lot going on, and I'm not used to it yet. But, time will fix that. Mom has been dropping hints that she wants me to go a community college lately; I haven't been completely oblivious to that fact, though I've pretended to be. I just am not ready to admit that all of the work that I have done over the past 3 years has been for nothing. Not having study halls, juggling all of my classes, extracurriculars, and a job to accomplish "satisfactory" grades. And then to go to Kent? I sound selfish, I know. Picky, selective, high-falutin, sure. But I know that I am a smart girl, and I think that with my intelligence comes more choices. And I want to take advantage of those choices more than you could ever imagine. Marie is making me really angry right now; truthfully, the situation is not even worth typing out. What's new, huh? When are we not arguing? I just know this whole John jealousy thing is getting a bit old. Tiring. I love Eliza so much. I've gotten to know her a little bit better than the average bystander, and have gotten to see the person that she is behind the facade that she falls back onto as a defense mechanism. I just wish that everyone else would look past the choices that she has made, and pay a little bit more attention to the person that she is. I want ice-cream. But I guess I'm leaving that one up to Ben.r1UņMy arms hurt. Ooooh, my legs hurt. My back hurts, too. Damn this tennis thing. Conditioning sucks. My entries lately have been pretty empty. I'm sorry. I promise I will be back later tonight, and I will write an entry worthy of my own blog.r2T½Kenny has a girlfriend. I don't know how I feel. Indiffent, I suppose. I have actually come to the point where I've just come to expect things to work against my favor. I suppose I'm just waiting to be proven wrong. I am really glad that I've been able to "spill over" to Colucci's pizza this week. Indeed, it is the very epitome of drama-- like I need that, but still... I'm not used to girls actually getting along with me. These girls do! I'm giving myself two lines this evening to relieve my inner teenage girl rantings: I've finally been able to style my hair where it looks cute today, and I ate a lot of pizza; I hope my behind isn't greeting all of these extra calories with open arms!r3TÅMother of all torture: Calling Aaron for a ride to band. Tried Dani, she was asleep. Tried the umbrella, I couldn't find it. I know I'm only feeding his sense of dominance. But in the short-term, it's good for me. I have a ride in the pouring rain. Busy day today: band (sectionals too, until 1:30), and then work from 4-9. With Jessica and Julie. Working with Ashley and Terri is alright, hopefully this isn't worse. I'll be back later. Like 10ish.r4TThank Goodness! Blogger is finally working for me. Sorry for all of you virtual addictees who were drooling for my next words, having to go a good 4 days without my sheer (yet quite unconventioal) wisdom. I was not there for you. But, alas, I am now here. Tonight was my first night at Colucci's and it was, interesting. That place is the closest thing I've ever stumbled across in my life, as secluded as it is, that has closely resembled a true life soap opera. Quite amusing the place is, I must admit. Humorous as well; who cannot help but to chuckle when dealing with salivating teenage girls and quite promiscuous teenage boys cavorting as if there were no tomorrow? I surely cannot. :-) My birthday was yesterday, and I had a nice day actually. My family made the day special for me, as my friends did not. I guess I know who really cares, now don't I? I did get my hair colored, but not blonde, as disappointing as that was. Instead, I went black and red. A little Kelly Osborne, but hey, it totally matches my personality. I think I found a car that has actually passed my Dad's inspection, and is something that I can afford. The bad thing is that it is a huge '89 Cadillac. HUGE. But, indeed, it is a car. I think I should pimp it out, get a fuzzy pink wheel cover and some looovveee beads.r5TĄHad a pleasant night with the family. Trevor's paperwork from the doctors and hospitals came however, so we were a little down. I think that Bill is having a harder time with it then he will admit as the papers brought him to tears last night. All I can do it hold him as we're both going through the same thing. Losing a child is never something I want to have to go through again. Looking at Teagan brightens both of our thoughts though so that is a help for sure. Yesterday I did pretty ok I guess. I had some oatmeal for breakfast, then some beef stroganoff for lunch, then 3 chocolate chip cookies at school while we dropped off some paperwork because I promised Teagan a snack and well I couldn't help myself but to get myself some as well. Then I had some tuna and cheese pasta salad for dinner. Then I had a Reese's that Bill brought me, and some potatoes with cheese. I really need to have a talk with him about not bringing me junk like that. I know he does it just to be sweet and doesn't think much of it but he sure brings a lot of junk into the house that I can't seem to turn away from. Also been feeling guilty about the amount of snacking I let Teagan do as I don't want him to have the same problems as I do. I missed my therapy session last night because I had to work. However after talking to an old support group buddy yesterday she has changed all of her eating habits on her own just by focusing on herself more and realizing what her problems are. Perhaps I could do that with my Prozac and not paying some lady to listen. Who knows. Perhaps I just don't want to go back. I just hate having to rely on Prozac and a therapist to feel like I can fix my problems. Why can't I just fix them on my own? I think I'm going to try Weight Watchers to see if that helps me stay on track. Just for the accountability and the ideas of healthy cooking. I'm having a hard time coming up with healthy things to cook all the time so it's just easier to revert to my old ways.r6TWell it was my birthday so I allowed myself to have 2 peices of cake and not feel guilty. Although, now that I look back I am feeling guilty lol. Anyhow, with me being at work all weekend I really ate a lot better. I had some slips, but that's ok. I am a bit nervous about getting bored at work and wanting to eat from the vending machine because on Sunday things are pretty slow there so there is a lot of down time where we can just dink around on the internet; however I got bored and went straight for the vending machine. So I've got to leave the money at home so I can't do that. I think that's a good solution. When I bring something to eat for lunch though I'm amazed at how full I feel when I'm busy and not focusing on food. My surgery actually is working if I would allow it. If I could just get control over my brain. I have therapy tonight but need to reschedule because I have to work. Although now that I have a lot going on it doesn't seem to be something I want to do now. Perhaps I don't need therapy, I know I do but I don't want to go. How's that? I sure don't want to take that hour that I could be spending with my family and spend it lying on the couch listening to her tell me what to do to fix my problems cause I think they're unfixable. I can't find her phone number anywhere to reschedule so hopefully she calls me to verify my appointment. Don't really feel too much different being 26, just feel like I should have more of myself figured out as I'm getting a little older. Hubby's birthday is the day after tomorrow and he's gonig to be 30 I wonder how much of himself he has figured out. They say you're supposed to really grow up at age 30 so I'm anxious to see if it actually happens with him cause he doesn't have much growing up left to do just in the finances department.r7TpIt's amazing how little I actually need to eat when I'm not thinking of food. Today was my first day at work and I had a breakfast burrito for breakfast, then a vegetable soup for lunch, bag of mm's and then dinner and some snacks after that. I wasn't bored so I wasn't in there looking for food. I was thinking about it the whole time I was at work though hence the mm's. I didn't really crave them just felt like I was being too good so I had to sabotauge it in some way. Maybe that's my problem perhaps I won't let myself succeed. It was a great day though. My first day working in almost 3 years and I felt so good. I did miss my husband and son but it sure was neat to come home to them after a day at work. I truly am blessed with a fabulous husband and a wonderful son. My husband deserves so much more thanks then I can ever give him. I came home to a clean house and laundry done. Although he's banned from laundry cause all my new clothes need special wash instructions and he never pays attention to that lol Went shopping yesterday for clothes and it was so fun. I kept looking in the mirror thinking why would want to wreck this? Why would you want to go back to buying huge clothes that are not fun to pick out and ruin this body I've worked to get. Damn I've done a good thing and just seem to want to wreck it but I'm determined not to let food take me over again. I'm trying.r8TīAnother lazy day here at the house. I'm still in my pajamas and Teagan doesn't even want to get dressed so he's just in a diaper. Feeling bummed I'm going to miss the circus day with Bill and Teagan tomorrow, but oh well. Had another snacky night, but so far today I've not had a desire to overeat and the small temptations that have come in I've been able to ignore today. It's weird how it changes so much from day to day. I had 1/2 bowl of cereal for breakfast and then for a snack I had some celery with peanut butter. That was good lemme tell ya. And since then I had one urge to just grab something but it went away quickly so I didn't pay it much notice. I wonder why that was so easy to ignore today but in the evenings it's near impossible to ignore. I don't get it. Last night my weakness was Doritos that I had bought at the dollar store and some ice cream Bill brought home from Culver's. You know it's kinda starting to piss me off that he doesn't pay more attention to what he brings in the house. He knows I'm struggling with my temptations so why would he bring ice cream home? I think it's cause he truly doesn't understand what I'm going through. Either that or he just thinks I'd like the treat and it's only one. Who knows but we don't make the greatest pair when it comes to our food problems. Maybe I should tell him not to bring temptation into the house but I think it's the only thing he knows to do to try and cheer me up or do something special for me and gosh forbid he sit down and think of some new way to brighten my day. Who knows, but I don't need the extra temptation. That ice cream he got me is going to last for days so I'm just going to struggle every day to fight it off and then end up eating it. In fact I think I'll go get some now.r9TQ We had a late night last night. We were up discussing what to do about Teagan and having to go to a babysitter while I'm in class. Neither of us are comfortable with the idea of handing over our only child to a stranger for 8 hours a day. By the end of the night we had decided that I would wait 2 years to go to school and I'd just continue to stay home with Teagan during the day. I was up a long time after Bill fell asleep because not only do we have to worry about what we feel, but we have to make sure we're doing the best thing for Teagan. We hadn't considered what effect it would have on him to be home with me for 5 years in a row. The way he stands at the fence longing to go and play with other kids, or the way he follows the older kids around the neighborhood because they don't want to play with him but he doesn't care. We don't want him growing up and getting beat up all the time cause he's a mamma's boy. After waking up I called Bill at work again and we discussed it further and decided to go ahead and check out some home care places. Luckily the first one I went to this morning I loved. Not only are all her other kids she takes of Teagan's age, but she has tons of animals that he can play with and learn how to be around. The only disadvantage is that she doesn't do anything educational, but I figure he has 12 years of school ahead of him to get educational knowledge, why not let him enjoy his childhood as much as possible. I left him with her for an hour while I ran to an appointment sorta as a trial run and he didn't want to leave when I came to get him so I am feeling pretty good about it. We'll see how I feel the first 8 hour day without him by my side constantly. I sure am glad we decided this way though cause I sure would like to get school over with sooner rather then later. Last night I did pretty good with my eating I think. We had taco salad for dinner and I just snacked on that all night and since it's mostly meat and vegetables I didn't feel too guilty but of course since I ate on it all night long I still felt guilty. I really think that I am too hard on myself sometimes, but oh well. I also had some clementines too. I woke up this morning feeling rather full so I skipped breakfast but got super hungry around 11 so I don't think I should do that anymore cause then I really wanted to just stuff whatever I could get my hands on in my face and I did with a candy bar. So that wasn't a smart choice to skip breakfast, so I'm going to try to make sure I at least eat something for breakfast every morning. I'm a little nervous about everything that is coming up. Teagan, school, work and I don't want to fail at any of it so I'm under a bit of stress and I haven't even started. I know I'm smart enough for school, but I still haven't figured out why I'm so lazy so hopefully I get that figured out before I'm bogged down with homework.r:TŃI kept myself so busy yesterday I barely had time to gorge in my eating, but of course when I came home in the evening and got to watching tv I ate like there was no tomorrow. A cheese tortilla, 2 Clemintines, a few peices of chocolate, 3 packages of fruit snacks. I don't know what my deal is but I wish I could get control of it. Luckily I'll start working in the eveings soon because that seems to be my weakest time. Got registered for my classes yesterday and that'll keep me busy too as I've got 4 classes to keep up with, plus work, plus my family. I am rather pissed though because all the money I'm making from my part time job is just going to go to pay for Teagan to go to pre-school while I'm in school. Damn!r;TøOf course I spent the evening eating anything I could. Almost cause I know that I shouldn't. It doesn't really make sense, but I'm still doing it. I keep stepping on the scale too and my weight is changing daily which is frustrating cause then when it goes down I tell myself I'm not doing that bad and allow myself to eat some more. I'm registering for school this week so hopefully the busy tasks of school and working part time and my family will keep me away from the food. I thought a lot last night about what I like to do for enjoyment and I just really can't come up with someone other then the computer and laying on the couch being a couch potato. Those don't seem to me like valid things of enjoyment. Who knows. I did however take an hour last night and get on the computer while my son and husband played upstairs and that was just my time, although I was down here feeling guilty for doing so the whole time. Oh well one battle at a time.r<T\Well today was the first day with the new therapist. To tell the truth I don't even remember her name. I didn't really care cause at the beginning I thought for sure I wouldn't like her. I was shocked to know her knowledge of gastric bypass so I was intrigued. However, most of the session went to talking about ways to help with my son and his behavior, but that's ok because that could help me too. Although I wish she would of given me some type of assignment for the week because I know I'm just going to stuff myself with more food and it seems the more I try, the more food I eat. I wish I could figure out why I eat so much but maybe I already know and just don't want to face the answer. That's probably what it is. Every time I get close to figuring it out I leave the therapist, perhaps I should notice a pattern. She did ask me some questions that I really didn't have any answers to. Like what do I like to do with my spare time. Well hell I don't know. Ever since I was 17 I've been involved with someone and then became a mother. I've never just been me so how am I supposed to figure out what I like or what type of person I am? I keep saying I want to be a teacher and that's why I continue to try to finish college, but do I really? Why do I want to be? I can't really answer that. I think it's cause it's what I've always thought I'd like and it would require too much thought to think of something new and I'm far too lazy for all that thinking. Or perhaps it's not lazyness but actually the way I am. How am I supposed to figure it out and why do I even have to. I guess maybe I just need some more Prozac.r=TßWell figured out why I'm having such a hard time controlling my food intake. I'm pregnant!!! Woohoo! We're so thrilled. Due date is April 28th. Looking forward to that and hoping that everything goes well. I am still going to do Weight Watchers though or I am going to let myself get completely out of control with eating since I have to eat more frequently for the baby. I still need to learn some responsibility so I'm going to do the WW at home program as soon as we can afford it. I got a bad speeding ticket so I think I better pay that first before I get in trouble hehehe. My mom and dad are coming to visit us this weekend and I couldn't be more excited. Teagan is excited too. It's been too long. So that will be fun to have my hang out buddy back. Met a new gal that is quickly becoming a super close friend and so between all of this I've been feeling really good about things. I even stopped taking my Prozac and am still feeling good so I'm hoping I don't need it anymore. So much for the fun clothes though, that's the only part I don't like. Oh well it's well worth it!! Now that I know I'll be having another baby soon I am going to start looking into getting my tummy tuck as soon as the baby is born because I can't stand this skin anymore, especially on my stomach so I'm going to start looking into that. I'll probably have to go back to Colorado for that though because my original surgeon tries to include it with the original surgery so that insurance will cover it so we'll see!!r>TĮWell I keep gaining and losing the same three pounds for some time now. I don't know if this is how my life will be as a post op but I really want to get down to 155 pounds. I'm so close. I always quit everything though when I get close to acheiving my goal. It seems I can't let myself succeed at anything. Anyway, a friend of mine is sending me some Weight Watcher coupons and I'm hoping I can do that once they come but I'm sure I'll find some excuse not to. Don't I sound pathetic. Met a gal in Wisconsin finally and I had such a great time. I had such a great day. It felt so neat to meet someone and not be worrying about what they were thinking of my size. Instead I was wondering if she was going to kick me out of her house for teasing her too much lol. Teagan had fun with her kids too so it was great all around. Hope to get to see her again soon. She didn't think I was too crazy so that's a plus. I am so addicted to eating fruit lately that it's all I'm eating. Not doing so well with controlling the junk intake lately. Hoping that I get a boost from joining Weight Watchers or something. When I am not too lazy and really try then I do ok but I usually am too lazy to try. I'm just lazy all around lolr?T+ It's been a little while. Seem to have been busier now that I'm working and not as much time to dwell on my failures so haven't had much to say lol. I'm really enjoying my job, and the time that it takes me out of the house and the independance of earning some money. However we came into a large conflict with me going back to school, and working as I just didn't feel that I could give my all to everything. I honestly believe that it's my role in this world to do something with children but I just don't think I want to be a teacher anymore. I think my role with children can be better served with my own child and bringing another child into the world and helping those that are at a disadvantage. Why waste all the money to go to school when I can help kids in a stronger way for free? lol Who knows. I know my mom is going to be pissed when I tell her my decision about school, and so I've been putting it off. Fear. All I've ever wanted to do is make her proud of me and she values school so highly. However, I value kids and my family at the same height she values school so I hope that some day she could understand that from me. With all this on my mind and the business of work and such I haven't been back to therapy. I don't really want to go back actually. I want to know that I'm strong enough to fix this on my own. Or perhaps the Prozac is working again and it's fixing me and I'm not really saying this or really strong enough to be fixing things it's the Prozac. I hate taking that but I'm afraid of what I'll turn into if I don't take it. If I'll turn back to food for my fix all or if I'll just lay in bed all the time and close out my family. I have been doing really well with my eating with all the distractions so I've figured out that is one thing I need to continue rather then turning to food for my entertainment since it's something I know I like in this world where I haven't spent much time trying to figure out what I like, I just need to figure out what I like to do and keep busy. I have some slips at work cause they have that vending machine and I keep getting candy bars. That weakness I haven't quite figured out yet. Some days I don't even care the candy bars are in there but if it's slow at work and there's not much going on then that's all that's on my mind. It's weird how food is involved in my life.r@T’Ok so I'm 7 weeks pregnant as of Monday, September 8th and I've gained 7 pounds. My lowest weight from the surgery was 166, now add 7 onto that. Egads!!! I feel like such a slosh. My pants are even getting snug. I can't believe 7 pounds can do that. Everyone keeps saying oh just ignore it you're pregnant. Screw that. Pregnant or not I'm only 7 weeks along, no normal person gains that weight. However, I'm scared to cut back on the eating though since the baby doesn't get as much as a normal baby anyhow, so I'm in a mess and it's driving me crazy and making me depressed. I'm back into my mode of trying to sleep all the time, granted I'm tired from the baby, I'm not doing anything around the house. I've just become lazy again so I need to get out of my funk. I gave it a start today by picking up the house a little. I just am so stuck. I mean I could eat healthier foods, but those aren't keeping me full either. I just don't know what to do. If I don't eat every so often I'm getting so sick. They pulled some blood on me yesterday and I asked them to run a blood sugar and a thyroid to see if that gives me any clues as to why I'm so hungry all the time. My shrink keeps calling for me to reschedule. I guess I should call her back but I'm not sure I liked her so much. I just don't know if I should be trying to work on my problems while I'm knocked up and it's driving me nuts. I mean literally it's almost all I think about. I am obsessed with this weight. Sure I could be exercising but what depressed, lazy, tired person wants to do that? Sure as hell not me that's for sure. Had a really nice time with my parents visiting. Wish there was a way Bill could have his job and we could be close to my family but I don't know how to make that happen so here we sit. I miss my sister a whole bunch too and her phone has been broken so I haven't gotten to talk to her. She's turning 21 on October 18th and now that I'm knocked up I can't go get drunk with her for the first time ever. Sucks! Hubby gets to go out of town in October and I'm super jealous we can't go on the trip with him. Oh well at least he'll get some time to relax, he deserves it. So that's it for now I guess.rATjI'm 13 weeks along now. So I'm to the second trimester so I'm terrified now that something will happen to the baby. Every little ache or pain freaks me out, so it's going to be a long trimester. We did get to hear the heartbeat a few days ago and that was very reassuring. Teagan even got a kick out of that. He calls it the hutta hutta. Teagan is pretty much potty trained! Minus a few accidents here and there and sleeping in pull ups he's doing so well. He's getting so big, even told me I pissed him off the other day lol. I've gone back on the Prozac. I think it's a thing I'm just going to have live with that I need for the rest of my life. I am getting so moody and so horrid and just back in my rut that I knew I needed some help so I started it last week and it'll take a little while to kick in. I can't take them in the morning however due to my morning sickness so I've been taking them at night even though the bottle says in the morning so I'm hoping that's ok. So we're just trudging along. I've stopped stepping on the scale cause it was too depressing. I'd lost 7 pounds, then gain 2 then lose 5 then gain 6 it just is too much so I don't look at the doctor either. I know the baby needs it so I'm just eating like I should be for the most part. Since I can't keep a whole lot down I just eat what works. I've started dumping on the strangest things these days and I've heard this happens once you are a ways out from the surgery. It sucks. Oh well. Oh and I look pretty goofy getting pregnant with all this skin yeah it's yucky I don't know how Bill gets turned on by all this but he still does so guess I'm good to go.rBTŖAhhhh it's been a while I know, so sorry. My pregnancy is 22 weeks along and it's going very well. We are having a girl, so we're thrilled. I am a bit nervous about having a girl but it must be meant to be that I have one! She's been doing so well after what happened with Trevor that I know it's meant to be. I weigh 178 at my last checkup so that's rather bothersome but I know it's for the baby so I'm trying to ignore it. I don't step on the scale at home at all anymore. I went from 166 to that awful fast so it's kind of a shocker. I don't like it so much at all actually. My pregnant belly doesn't look like a normal one because of the extra skin so it really bothers me, but I try to not focus on it a lot and rather just grab something to eat lol. I've lost all focus on how to eat like a post op and such and I'm not beating myself up about it because I'm pregnant. I have to suffer enough being pregnant so there's no need to make the whole thing miserable with self punishment. After this is over I will be able to have much more control over my body. Little man is doing so well. He's loving school, and we love having him go. We're hoping in the month of January there will be some more days open for him so he can go a few more days a week. We'll see. He loves it. Right now all he's focused on is what Santa is going to bring him for Christmas, he's dying for a GameCube, and Santa is going to deliver of course! You can definately tell he's my husband's child. He's very much into electronics rather then the regular toys. That's it for now! I hope everyone reading this has a beautiful and blessed holiday season and much joy in the upcoming year. I can't believe it's 2004 already.rCTŽOkeydokey; I know it's been a rather long time. I'm going to be 9 months pregnant on Monday and we're dying for this baby to get here. Been a long road. I'm weighing in at 196 as of last Wednesday so I've lost a few pounds in the last week, but that's ok. I was really hoping to not go over 200. I can't wait to not be pregnant any more. My body has been through so much in the last few years I just want to be normal again. Lil man is in Colorado with his grandparents for a visit while we relax and wait for the baby to come cause she was trying to come early and I was put on bed rest and some medication that makes me super sick to stop the labor. He got tired of the trips to the hospital so we thought it would be the best thing for him. He's having a blast. Bill is anxious for the baby to come as well, it's been a long road for us. Can't wait to get back to "normal" I was going to school, but had to put that on hold as well because of the baby trying to come early, so a few of my professors are going to let me finish up after the baby comes so I'll be busy. Not working anymore so that helps. So that's about it, just waiting for our new addition!!rDT»Our bundle of joy is here finally!! Shyla Lee was born on April 22nd at 3:09 pm, weighing in at 7 pounds and measuring 19" long. She was just an inch shorter then her brother. Delivery went well and she's doing just great. She's beautiful. If you want to see pictures you can see my family at http://www.geocities.com/billnjulie2001. Hubby has been home on vacation for 2 weeks and this is his third. He'll be going back on the 17th and I'm a little nervous about having a full house, but think it'll be fun. Top weight that I got to during pregnancy was 198 pounds and when I got home from the hospital I weighed 188 and now I fluctuate between 181-183. I was at 166 before I got pregnant with Trevor so I'm hoping to get back down to that. However, I have noticed my hips are wider and I don't know how to fix that. Sure is hard returning to cutting back on my food intake I'll tell you that much. Well the little one is awake so I must go!! JulierETWell here we sit waiting to find out what my husband's kidney biopsy reveals and we're just hoping that it is something that can be fixed. It baffles me how we just keep running into problem after problem. Luckily, we've been fortunate to find some good friends in Wisconsin so that we don't go through it alone. Teagan seems to be feeling the stress too as he's acting out pretty badly, but we're trying to go easy on him. Hopefully it's over soon. So just wanted to whine about that, and also wanted to whine that it's hot out. Yeck!!rFTUWell I had to reschedule the darn appointment for the plastic surgeon, but that's ok, it can wait, not like I'm losing weight like water over here or anything. Hubby is too sick for me to have to take time off from the house to recover from a surgery. He's getting his biopsy done this week, so we're hoping for good news. Sure would like SOME good news, really starting to think that Wisconsin is bad luck for us, but that's ok as a family we can handle anything. Having a rough time with Teagan and his attitude lately so it's been kind of stressful around here. Shyla doing great though. Later!rGTUgh you'd think after all that I've put my body through to get thinner that I'd eventually have figured out why food is so much a part of my life, but yet I have not. Here I sit as I'm thinking, thinking, thinking about food and I can't stop. It consumes my day!! No matter how busy I am with the kids all I think about is what I can eat. Was supposed to be doing South Beach with a friend of mine to get some of this baby weight off and the first day I blew it. I swear it consumes my life. Then when I do give in and eat something I feel guilty and then I think screw it. Oh what frustration! I thought having the gb surgery would help this, but after doing a lot of research and talking to many in support groups after 2 years a lot of people that have had the surgery go through realizing the the surgery didn't fix anything, it was just another quick fix that you can mess up like any other diet. Would I do it again? Probably because it was nice being skinny for the short time that I was. I'm not as huge as I was right now by all means, but if I keep eating this way I'll get there. I thought the malabsorption would help control that but it doesn't. Nobody knew the long term effects of the surgery when I had it because it was new and not many people had it long enough to see what it does.rHXĀ So I got a message from Ashley last night about the whole situation with me and Andrew. From:Ā ash ley Sent:Ā Thursday,Ā JulyĀ 22,Ā 2004Ā 12:06Ā AM To:Ā *****************@hotmail.com Subject:Ā RE: arrg Tammi. To tell you the truth, I dont think you and Andrew will ever be friends again. Things change, sometimes for the worst. You will get new friends and move on. Maybe 5 years down the road you will see him and he will wave. But thats probably as close as you guys will get. Dont get mad at me but this is life sweetheart, take it or crumble it in your pocket, shit's gonna happen. I wish I knew what Cody meant, too, when he told me that you need to stop what you're doing. Think about everything you've done. That's as much as I can give you. I have noticed before you have used people. You dont ask; You hang on....EVERY GUY-- That's not flirting . Thats not a habit . Thats just rude. And I guess everyone saw that. But sometimes you tend to ignore people when they warn you (hint, hint). Lol. Just work on those and stop talking to Andrew. Ā .ā€¢Ā“Ā Ā ā€¢Ā“ĀØ)Ā Ā Ā  Āø.ā€¢ĀØ) (Āø.ā€¢Ā“Ā Ā Ā  (Āø.ā€¢Ā“ .ā€¢Ā“Ā  Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā  Ā ( Āø.Ā“ĀÆ`-> Ashley! Needless to say, I was just a tad pissed off when I read that. Andrew and I have been fighting for almost a month now, and I have been doing everything in my power to try and talk to him about it, try to make up for pissing him off, and all my best friend can say is that we'll never be friends again? What the fuck? Where's the encouragement? Where the fuck's the "Don't worry, Tammi, everything will work out, you two will be friends again"? Where the fuck is my best friend ? To that, all I have to say is this: Gee, Ash, I totally feel SOOO much better now. So Andrew and I will never be friends again, ever? I will move on and maybe see him in a random grocery store five years from now and MAYBE he'll wave? Oh, yeah, I am just SO fucking positive and happy at that sad, depressing truth . What are you? Fucking PSYCHIC, now? Indeed, I have to practically SQUEEZE MY ASS CHEEKS TOGETHER just to hold in my UNRELENTING RAYS OF SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS . Yeah... not asking, being rude, and ignoring hints are on my Top 100 List of Things To Work On Not Doing Anymore. It's ON THE LIST. I'm getting to it. And I'll stop hanging on guys from now on. In fact, I'll also shave my head, wear acid-wash jeans, date Anne Hesche, and get tickets to the next Lillith Fair concert. Also ON THE DAMN LIST. Let me tell you something-- I may have pissed off Andrew a little bit, and yes, maybe it will take some time for he and I to warm up to eachother-- but DON'T YOU DARE go and say that we won't ever be friends again. Don't you fucking say that. I have been nothing but nice to him ever since it happened; I have tried to talk to him; I have tried to pay him back; I have tried my hardest to get all this bullshit over with, and now the only thing you have to say to me is don't talk to him? FUCK YOU .rIT Althoug its only 3:20 in the morning it is none-the-less New Year's Eve... *sigh* There really aren't a lot of words going on tonight - could be the onset of exhaustion knocking on my door... Michael O'Connor. I am so going to set myself up to be hurt again this time. He admits he's bad at relationships because he just loves women - "I love to love love". But in the end, could it work? Could there be ANYTHING? Tonight will be lonely - a new year and still no one to kiss. Ah. I don't know yet what the day is going to bring to me, so there is no point in pondering pending yuckiness. When he sings he just grabs me - I'd even dare use the word kismet on this one... I think I have already. Isn't there some rule about this - and if not shouldn't there be? Why can't someone dig me first? Why not this beautiful man? Why not this time - something, ANYTHING. That word haunts me as I am trying to find me. It's time - way past due. Who am I, and am I really worth much of anything to anyone until I know that secret answer? Faith... got to have faith faith faith... and so on. I'm in here - peeking around the corner - shy? WHO is shy to themselves? Self-modesty. Shit. "A decade ago I never thought at 23 I'd be on the verge of spontaneous combustion". I know that I am a very desireable person - why can't I show that. DAMN IT! WHy did I turn my cheek when he kissed me tonight? Why didn't I just kiss him last night? Next time - there will always be a next time - or a next year... which one will come first? Lame.rJTmThings are starting to fall into place - finally something is going right and in my favor. This afternoon I'm going to fill out my apartment application at Camelot. I can't believe that I'm going to be moving again. I thought, well hoped, this place would work out, but sometimes friendships just aren't meant to be this close. I asked Bob if he could help, and he actually said that he woudl - color me suprised!! I hope this move will help me bring some closure and peace to my life. Honestly, with so much changing for me and things going crazy, what is one more move? One more change? I often wonder who is in charge of pulling the strings of my life. Ultimately I realize that it is me, and I am at least fortunate enough to know that much! I've just decided that although it would be incredibly nice to have someone to share all of this with - I should be grateful for those that I do have. My family loves me and I have a few good friends, what more is really important? My life is more together than I had thought - I'm VERY happy about that. I know things could be a lot worse, and lets never hope for that. I never want to be one of those people that lets life's burdens rule them. It's not worth it to suffer for attention. I've been down, most likely I'll be down again, but remembering that every down has to come up is very important to keep myself breathing.rKT'And here we go - moving yet again. I hope this time it will work out good - I'll be alone again, and I can see that is definitely a positive decision. I didn't want to move again, ever, as if that was possible. I'm pretty excited all at the same time though. I'm going to have a dishwasher and a sliding glass door... and stuff and things. It's weird, but I think I'm actually beginning to find some faith again - but I feel like a poser now believing that I can believe in God. Isn't it supposed to be something you know without thinking? Anyway - another friendship is coming to an end - tragic? Probably not. I have spent nearly the last 20 years defending Marie just to have it end like this. Lame. I suppose I should feel bad or something, but really, I've let her hurt me repeatedly since we were kids - it never mattered if she was pitting me against someone or sleeping with some guy I was into. I'm not sure if she was always just jealous of me - can't help but wonder if she still is. I know she would have traded childhoods with me in a heart beat... but isn't she supposed to be the happy one getting married, having another baby, finding a house??? Sometimes things don't make any sense, and maybe those things that trouble us the most should be the things that trouble us the least. *sigh*rLTSo tonight I decided it was going to be stupid night at the big party in my head. I knew that he wouldn't share my feelings - how many times has Shawn told me that he doesn't want any relationships right now? Why do I have to be such a moron? Somehow I thought it would be a good thing to get this all out in the open - but always realizing that rejection was going to be ultimate. The only good thing that can happen at this point is the fact that Shawn is completely capable of acting like I never said anything in the first place. I just don't want to be like all the other girls that are "so in love" with him - I don't want to be seen that way. I'd like to think I'm above all that. I have this desire to see Shawn all the time - I feel like me when I'm with him. I'm finally comfortable with someone else - like maybe someone can really understand me ans where I'm coming from. I feel like this is important for me. I need to be needed - isn't it just my nature? I do think that if someone would help show me that I'm a good person, then I could possibly believe it myself. Despite all this, I am (yes really) human. He has the hands - the working/fixing hands. Why now? Why him? I heard this morning a sermon about how we only seem to ask God for things around Christmas... and it's sad, but true, at least in my life. Here I am, asking for help to find some better life and love - and what have I really given to God in my life? I would like to understand - because for whatever it might be worth, He more than likely understands me.rMTżSo another year has passed by... I think I am beginning to reach that age where it doesn't seem possible time has gone by so fast. I'm approaching 24... alone. My problem is the people I set my heart on. I have strange feelings for my best friend, Shawn... even though I can't even explain to myself what the are exactly. I have normal "crushes"... but nothing ever comes of them. God -- I'm 23 and my journal sounds just like one I would have kept at 16... I'm full of broken and unfinished thoughts. Perhaps I should just start speaking my mind - going for what I want. But is it worth the pain and most likely the heart break? Ugh. I've now realized that I was just in love with the idea of being in love with Bob - honestly, if Glenna makes him happier than I did, then I should, can and will be happy for him for that. I will most likely never respect his carelessness for his friends feelings, but I guess he has done what he needs to do for him at this moment. I do thank him VERY MUCH for helping me realize that Mark truely is my past - something that I think I knew for a long time before I was willing to openly admit it. It's funny when you actually reaize how many days have passed without even thinking about someone you always thought would haunt your mind. So much is changing in and around my life right now that i am completely amazed at how well I have kept myself together. To some I may seem completely off - but I'm the one who knows how much closer to the edge I could be with all this. I love the holiday season, but it is so much nicer with someone to hold hands with in the snow and wrap your arms around for warmth. This will be my second in a row alone. Please God, don't let me become the crazy cat lady... please... is that asking too much?rNTłI can say with some level of certainty that Michael O'Connor is finished being my friend. Am I really this much of a sociopath? I don't know exactly what my problem is - I'm obsessed? I thought this time I was cool... but then that whole "rule" thing. New rule - NO MORE RULES !!! I like Melissa - I would just like her more if it wasn't such a "serious" thing with her and Michael. They met on a blind date - go figure. For the first time in so long i asserted myself, and that made me happy, but most likely I pushed too damn hard and now I'm trapped behind my own fucking creation - MY FIREWALL! SHIT ! I've got to stop and just be a normal person for a while. Last night was so much fun - and oddly, as much as I want to know Michael, as much as I fantasize about him wanting to know me, hanging out last night in the hot tub I did not plot ways to make him mine over hers. They fit together - I'm the odd puzzle piece. What else is new? Ask Bob. Ask Mark. I guess you could ask anyone.rOTtAnd the new year has come and gone in the slightest blink. Where will this year take me? Why can't I keep Michael off my mind for just 10 minutes? Why - because he absolutely fascinates me. I just want to know everything there is to know about this man - but do I have the guts for the rejection? I need to convince myself that failure is not my only option in all of this. After all - he did call - and he did say he liked talking to me (said I was hip). So what am I so afraid of? Maybe I'm just afraid that he really is as bad at relationships as he says he is - or maybe I'm afraid that I am. In my life I've only had 2 1/2 "serious" boyfriends. Patrick left me for someone else, but didn't he try to hold on to me just a little longer? Mark tore me up, but only after I ripped him a few new assholes. Bob said I wasn't ready for what he wanted - or was I, but just not with him? There is someone who will push all my buttons right and keep me on track. Could it be that Michael is that one guy? Shit. I'm late for my date with Nick. I hope I can put Michael on the back shelf for a while. What am I doing to myself?rPT~I may wonder some day why I can't seem to keep a journal, most likely I'm lazy - or perhaps I can't even explain myself to myself. Maybe it's because I've once again found myself completely into the unavailable Charlie Hoffman - not only is he taken, he's also only 19. I loved 19 - I never wanted to leave - I only hope I come across as half as smart as Charlie does. I just love talking to him - it's real conversation, about real things - I miss that so much. I told him how I felt abotu things - about having a "crush" on him, and most likely he already knew, I'm sure I'm even more obvious than I think I am. I just want to drop everything just to spend time with hiim. Other than this newest turmoil... Slept with Bob Chaffer (fate coming true?), slept with Jason Rosso, slept with Ben (again). Maybe I'm a slut, maybe Tom and Kris are right - maybe that is my destiny. FUCK ME . Anyway - I'm going to smoke 7 more minutes off my life, and maybe go suck down 10 more cups of coffee - I'm good with all that after all. I need to think, need to clear my head. And besides - maybe I'll run into Charlie... *sigh* I WAS RIGHT :^}rQT·I'm not sure if its really the 26th... pretty sure though. Just talked to Charlie - this is the longest crush I've had running for quite some time. But, I don't know why since it isn't going anywhere, and that is just about the same as nowhere fast. He's in Montreal right now - although he is coming home a day early - I should be so lucky to think it was because he kind of misses me... Most likely no, but it kind of makes me happy to hope for all that. And what else... Oh yeah, Bob is talking about breaking up with Glenna - but all he ever does is talk... and talk... and talk. I'd have sex with him - not one doubt in my mind. Life is a crazy thing - I'm not sure I'm as of yet equipped to deal with it all very well... I'm as fucked up and fucked over as everyone else - but its so much easier to think no one else can understand. April is almost here - planning some changes. 1/2 pack a day and weight loss - am I asking too much of myself all at once? Maybe then I would feel better about myself - afterall, we all make our own destinies. But nasty fate always puts her evil hand in the deck. Anyway - tonight I sleep and think of Charlie, wonder about Bob and never figure out me.rRTŗFour years ago today I started my job at the UofR - thankfully, that chapter ended last year. Maybe it wasn't the best decision at that time, but ultimately it was for the best. Why can't I keep Charlie off my mind - that is a lost cause. I just love that this person wants to talk about real things - not just stereotypical "guy things"! We talk about government, and last night he even asked me what my biggest fear was... I'm not sure anyone has ever cared enough to ask me that. But that girlfriend of his... is it Nikki or Nicky... Where was she last night? She is supposed to be home this weekend. I met her last week, I can't say I was impressed - she didn't say anything but "hello" to me. Oh well, next fall Charlie is off to Potsdam - with his girl... i wonder (at this moment anyway) if he will miss me even half as much as I will potentially miss him. As it would turn out - Charlie is everything I never knew I always wanted.rSTAsk me what has not happened since last entry... Everything continues to fall apart - but I believe this may be the never-ending story of my life... Oh well, it must be what keeps me normal and "sane". Still smoking, still gaining weight. Had sex with Bob, fucked things up worse with Bob. He's not for me - I think I'm beginning to realize all of this. He's worth the fight - just most likely not worth mine. He broke up with Glenna - she's still always around though so sometimes it's hard to believe. Basically he now has his license back to fuck whoever he wants and keep messing people up. More than likely he's still fucking Glenna too - it's his breakup pattern. But I broke up with him - right? I'm the one who wanted out... Not exactly how I remember things. But, life is a continuous journey and these are the lessons I have to learn and the crosses I have to bear. Started another new job at Thompson this past Monday - here's hoping I'm good at it and enjoy it. So far, no major problems with co-workers, 4 days later that is to say. Time for a deep breath yet? Falling farther and farther behind financially... will I always have to have 2 jobs? Where's my shining prince with the big wallet? Anyway - it doesn't matter much - trying to find me as always - it's healthy right? Thought for the day: We were not asked to be born, and just like our parents we will spend our entire lives trying to figure out who we are and what we're doing here. Why not make the most of it all and seize the moment, right?rTTčAnother piece of my life in writing - I'm not very good at this journal thing - perhaps I'm just too internal. So much has happened/changed over the last 4 months that I cannot possibly put it all down in words.l The major happening is Britt Bounds. We are connected - he just hasn't caught up as of yet - and just might never. I seem to have this continuous pattern of being into everyone who is not into me. Sure - he's got a girlfriend now, will they last? Will I still be a part of his big picture when they don't? Am I even willing to wait and find out? I never talk to Bob anymore. Or Shawn. Charlie left for Potsdam without even saying goodbye. I never hear from Nikki anymore either. Maybe I've just become completely self-absorbed. Maybe that's a good thing. I need to find love - badly. Not family love, friend love or self love. REAL LOVE. I try to stay cool, I try to sound cool at the very least - but am I trying so hard I come across as lame? Who values me besides my cat? Ah... I'm really too torn up to think about me right now. Tonight I will fall asleep thinking once more about how I ruined things with Mark, how I gave up everything with Bob, how I miss Charlie too much and how it will never connect with Britt.rUT$Who am I? What am I doing to these wonderful people around me? Why did I have to go and make things awkward between me and Jeff? Am I really this stupid? I'm totally falling for Chris Ruscio - but I'm holding on to this guy staying at my house for some seemingly indeterminible amount of time... Am I fucking with him - or me? But that's just it... there is no fucking - just MIND fucking - and I'm the only one playing this hand of fool's cards. I know I've put this wall between us, and sadly enough I'm kind of having fun doing it. Perhaps it's just because I know someday he'll just be gone - like everyone else. Which is also why I don't know why I'm trying to fool myself into thinking anything will ever happen with Chris - don't they always say things only happen when you least expect them to? And in an even more twisted reality of what I'm doing to Jeff - the thought of him reciprocating is almost terrifying... So why would I let him believe that is what I want - when what I really want is this guy who lives in a shit hole and will most likely never want me... How does that work anyway? How does anything work - my brain most definitely is not working... Sleep... and just let the bed bugs bite me so hard I can't come back to this really stupid reality I'm forcing my hand into. AMEN.rVTQI love these people living with me - Jeff Cole and Stelia Nappi mean a lot to me - even if they are no longer together. In my mind they are and always will be. I wouldn't trade the experiences they've helped to provide. If I could do more for them I would, but my hands are completely tied. I lend my ear every time I can, to either of them - without bias or prejudice to the other one. I have internalized most of their pain within myself in my struggle to figure things out. Maybe its more about me finding me - understanding human pain. Maybe I just like them so i give. Maybe I was always jealous... maybe I still am. They are still happy to be with each other, if not awkward. Why am I not able to hang out with former lovers and boyfriends? Most likely I'm not as hip as I wish I was. I know I'm neurotic - but I thought I was pretty good at hiding it most of the time anyway. Someone needs to blow one of those party favors in my head to set off the right electrodes or fire some synapses in the right direction... Or maybe I'll just keep living vicariously through those around me...rWT‹Tonight I finally made contact with my newest and brightest - Chris Ruscio - most likely won't go anywhere - hell he even said he was happy being single, not having to answer to anyone... Ah well - the dreaming is nice. He's crazy with energy and so beautiful to look at. Here's the thing though... Britt stopped over tonight too... I can say with some certainty that I'm not over that one yet either. Of course not - that would make this all too easy. I'm always afraid I'm giving up a good thing. Well, as far as good things go - Britt doesn't even think twice about me - but why would he? And then I ask myself, why would Chris? I'm beginning to think no one will see the beauty that is me - the beauty of gray. I know I have a lot to offer, but the right person has to come along at the right time... and be receptive. But this one... I'm not sure anyone can tame his energy - let alone me.rXT‰Hardly a day goes by that I don't somewhat reflect on what fate has brought me to - and even though I realize this is where I'm supposed to be, it's not where I want to be. They say I'm the only one with the power to change things - so who the HELL keeps turning off my circuit breaker? I live with Abby now - not so horrible as of yet, but still I'd rather be sharing this space with someone I loved... I guess we all make do and get by. He's out there - why can't I feel his energy? 24... Where will I be when I'm 58? Still watching syndicated reruns of Dawson's Creek and thinking of good cat names? I'm really feeling lonely - although earlier tonight I had a fleeting good minute where I knew I was too fucked up for a relationship and I was actually happy about it. But wouldn't this all be easier if I had someone to say good night to and hold during the night? And so it goes. My parents have taken me over financially - which is an enormous weight off my shoulders - but now I will owe them the rest of their lives... *sigh* I need something, if I even cared about sex I'd say that was it... But I need more. I feel myself smiling through my depression more and more each day - where is my cowboy to take me away? Who wants to be with a fat and depressed chick though? Somewhere... That's me, always finding the wrong aura... I think my internal mood ring will be black for quite a while.rYT*It's interesting to go back and read all the stupid things I've written over the last year - right now it's laughable what I said about Jeff. I've fallen in love with this man who harbours enormous amounts of childhood pain... It's not my fault - and I let him explode on me... But I want him here - here in my bed, in my life, in my heart. For two months now he has been near to me - in waking hours and sleep - but tonight he slept on the couch... Tonight he swore he didn't care about me... he wants nothing from me - not my love, not my home... I know myself well enough to know I need to be needed, and most likely to be wanted. I don't believe he doesn't care about me - or even that he doesn't love me. The hardest thing to believe, though, is I LOVE JEFFREY DAVID COLE !!! DAMMIT! I don't want to be in love - I don't want this hurt - I don't want... this rejection. Love love love love love. Training myself to say this word and feel this word. I do mean it, and I do feel it... Why? Why now? Why him? Why me... Love love love....rZTĶHow can you fall so much in love for someone who so much does not want you there? How can you ache so much to say the right thing and more importantly take back the wrong thing? How can you love when you thought all your love was gone? How can you not start a new year, let alone a new day, without wondering how it is that you've gone so far just to see you're really still on square one with everything you've learned still sitting just a finger length away? How can you not expect to be compared and compare people to others in and from your life? How can you know so much, but have so little to go on? How can you want to do wonderful sweet things for someone who just tried to carve out your heart? How can you wish someone who can't stand your face was lying next to you? How can someone love and hate you in one breath - and how can that same someone say they're leaving and still be so there? How can you say you just don't care anymore, when everything about you craves to care and be cared for? How can you end an argument that has no collective beginning - an argument that began in two separate pasts? How can you begin to understand anyone who is not your direct clone? How can you close doors and maybe never reopen them? How do you not tread on painfully familiar territory with someone you never wanted to walk that path with? How can you be called beautiful when you hate yourself for giving up? How can any of these questions ever or never be answered?r[T{Oh Jeff - What a mess - I must confess... A letter that will never be written, a poem never heard, a song never sung. I thought I could do this - thought I could outlast this stark reality that I never even wanted. I can't come home like this - this is a mess - MY mess... I still love him, even while he hates me, even while this all falls apart around me more and more with every breath I exhale. I can't stand hearing him laugh with Abby while I sit beside the ugly green-eyed monster. I can't explain this without causing a fight - a further rift between two people already so far apart. I wanted to be the first to move on, but when he doesn't even care that I'm standing still, what's the point? It's time to admit that I just can't do this - I'm failing out, dropping out... falling off. I don't want to be the forgotten "princess" in someone else's limelight. I don't want to be the outsider, the third wheel in my house ! I built here, let people in, made it theirs... and I still know its mine - but now I can't take it back. Another mess I've made, uncleanable, unimaginable... PAINFUL - and I'm alone in this misery...r\TNew beginning? Blank page? Just a journal with no real soul to call it's own. Worn out recording. I still love him - can't stand to see or feel his hurting anymore. Why can't he need me and let me in? Why can't I figure out how to reach him? Why can't I just let go? It's not a " fear " of lonliness - I'm lonely day in and day out. It's anguish - tormenting pain. I don't feel psychic - I definitely don't come across that way... Energy fields just push their way past my boundaries. Oh well, someone needs to feel the blunt of hurt for those that cannot carry it. I'm just so tired. ALL I REALLY WANT IS SOME PEACE, MAN So much to do - never any time. Ah - let's kick out our ya-ya's and slam the door. Blahbedy-blah. I think it's my brain twitching this time.r]TŌ"Quarter Life Crisis". I've stopped going along with the crowd and started to comprehend that there are many things about myself that I didn't know and really don't like. I've started feeling vulnerable, wondering where I'll be in a year or two. Then I get anxious, because I don't even know where I am right now. I started realizing that most people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that I thought were so close aren't exactly the greatest people I've ever met, and the people I've lost touch with are some of the most significant. I look at my job... it's not even neighboring what I thought I would be doing. I know that I'm going to have to start at the bottom - and that really scares me. My opinions have gotten stronger. I see what others are doing and find myself judging more because suddenly I realize that I have certain boundaries in my life, I'm constantly adding to my list of what is agreeable and what isn't. One minute I'm insecure, and then the next... "secure". I smile and weep with the greatest forces in my life. I feel detached and intimidated and doubtful. Suddenly, change is the antagonist and I'm trying to adhere to the past for dear life. But the past is wandering further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where I am or move forward. I get my heart broken and wonder how someone I loved could do so much damage to me. I know that I'm not a bad person. I go through the same emotions and questions over and over. I talk to my friends about the same old topics because I cannot seem to find a resolution. I worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for myself... And, while winning the race would be fantastic, right now, I'd just like to be a contender.r^TŠMaybe I thought this was over - then again there was a point when I thought we were over. He left me in February to pursue his dreams and get away from our mess... But in May he wanted to come back - made promises that I should have known better than to believe... And here we are in June - my front door has been kicked off the hinges, my bathroom door punched off its frame and so many large and small personal items broken in hit path. He said and says he loves me - but I can't avoid the thought that above all that he hates me with some deep rooted and malevolent persistence. But I love him. I love me. Where is the line, how do I somehow keep stepping right over it? Love - that's how. There is nothing I can do for him - nothing he wants done. he doesn't even care enough about me OR himself to do anything to help. This has to be the end of this - I can't stand to watch him killing himself every day - because I'm not dumb and I love us both too much.r_TY"It's always all about you!!!" Does it only become all about you when someone else tells you it is?? My theory is that people only say it's all about you when they realize it's really all about themselves. I find that it's mostly said to me just before being told to get out of their face, because they don't feel like talking or resolving whatever the issue is that is causing you to act as though it's "all about you"... So, who is it really all about then? When two people are involved, can it even ever really be about one or the other? Don't we always consider the other person, even if it is not in a kind light? I locked the door when I left, not because I didn't care about the other person without a key, but because I didn't want them to be there when I returned... and in that simple thought alone, wasn't I thinking and caring about what the other person would or would not do? And, just as an aside, I would have been very hurt if that person wasn't sitting outside of the locked door when I did get back. As it stands now we are both being all about ourselves... I'm sitting in the computer room typing this, and the other person is in the living room watching a movie for the millionth time. I know in my heart that the other person is just trying to avoid dealing, but I won't say that. I don't want them to feel that I think it's always about them.r`T3And so time moves on... and we move on... He's back, all of his stuff is back, we're back. It's nice talking baby talk in the privacy of OUR home, it's nice eating cold pizza and watching art films together, it's nice knowing he's coming home to me after work. It's just really nice to know that he is mine.raTŗJust when you think things may be going better than you thought... He left this morning in my car and took all of his stuff too. Sometimes it hurts to love someone. I guess I shouldn't have believed things were alright when we went to bed last night, I guess I shouldn't have believed that he would stay. By the end of the night last night we were laughing and holding each other on the couch... Maybe if I had gone to bed at the same time he did. Maybe if I had gone downstairs and made him all that fried food crap he wanted. Maybe. How hard do you have to fight for someone for someone to realize that you need them? How hard is it to admit that someone fought as hard for you as you for them?rbT,A new year - a new page - but the same old story to tell. I'm not happy - and this is definitely not new. For two years I've held my tumultuous love to Jeff - that has definitely not changed. My music is all played out - the soundtrack to my life is on pause. Maybe it's just skipping at a slow tempo. It's been two weeks since he left (this time)... I don't sleep. I don't eat. I obsess about how to help him - how to give him help he never asked for or wanted. This time it was just too much, too far. "I can't promise that I'll grow those wings, or get this tarnished halo shining. But I'll never betray your trust, angel mine." Man. I can't even think - let alone express myself - even to myself. What am I going to do now? I'll bet he's going to be hard to get over. Get over? I can barely move, let alone breathe. Maybe it was never right - but for more than two years he's been my world - my universe ! For all of the names he called me, the nasty comments, grabbing me, throwing me... why does his exit hurt so much? I guess I just want to know that hate is not his final association with me. I have tried to convince myself that it really was me being a bitch - but I can't. I guess I never knew the right thing to say or do. But, I'll be damned if I didn't always know when his anger was coming. Somehow I always had something wrong to say that pushed it over. Please, someone - open the door... I don't think I can stay here anymore. I've loved - I've lost, and it really fucking hurts. Although he has left me three or four times before - this is real. He doesn't call - he even asked me not to take his phone calls - or take him back. When this all started I thought it was just for fun - nothing serious. Here was this man, fresh out of a reoccuring relationship... and he really seemed to want me. Even then I thought he would leave and leave me - I just never thought two and a half years later he would take so much of me with him when he did leave. I wish I could say I didn't even notice he was gone - but there is so much still here, here in the wake he left. The wake that is loving Jeff Cole. I feel his touch, his arms, his lips. I hear his laughter, his heart, his soul. Mixed in with all of this is the feeling of fear. I was afraid of him leaving. Afraid of him not loving me. Afraid I was saying the wrong thing. Afraid I wasn't lavishing enough of myself on him. How could I even think I was ever what he wanted, much less needed? I'm not even what I needed. All I needed was SILENCE! My own silence. Not one imposed by Jeff and his sidekick "Anger". I needed release - from me and my life. I wanted someone I could share with - not be afraid of his response. I don't know. I don't know. I love him. Time. Just time. We both need to heal and grow. And then, if time permits and all forces are aligned, maybe then it will be time. Until then this will be my onus. Until that time passes and I start to heal. It's so hard to deal with believing this is the final end, the last goodbye. I cannot follow him on his dreams and I most certainly will never be the one to make them come true. Right now I just hope that someday, some way, somehow, someone will bring Jeff back to me - My Jeff... God dammit. He is as limitless as the cosmos. As unconfined as the universe. Boundless as the milky way. But... Small enough to touch my world, my life and my heart. Jeff has so much to offer - I just hope he can find a way to tame his heart long enough to share it. "It wears me out. But if I could be who you wanted all the time."rcT·Funny how sitting around doing nothing can lead to doing so much. Krista stopped by last night, and although I was playing hookie from work we went out in search of food -- not an easy task on a Sunday night. We went to some little dive called Neptunes in Honeoye, but of course, the restaurant was closed -- had a drink and headed to MacGregors in Canandaigua. I ran into Victoria Roberts and Carrie Stocks -- they were both so trashed I doubt they even remember it today. I haven't seen them in like 7 years or so... strange. Krista ran into an old friend too -- Arend (strange but very cool name). I like this guy. He's not my Weezer-geeky guy, and he's spoken for as well (what else is new anyway). He's smart... I dig that a lot. I'm ready to make all those life changes I've been promising myself I will make for years... I just hope I have the energy to do it. Shawn Fenner actually sent me birthday wishes (although 2 days late) yesterday. It was nice of him to do so, since he's taken on the junior high role of dissed boyfriend as of late (hard to believe he's 31). Ralph still hasn't called, and he's still fucking Gina so who realy gives a shit anyway? Yes... 27... I'm 27. Yuck.rdT¤ Pleasure or partnership? My best friend has been married for almost two years -- and his wife just told him three weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. She didn't want to talk about it, or seek counselling -- she was done, and had felt that way for the past six months. Keeping in mind they are both in the Navy, and have both been on and off shore for the past year and a half -- he had no idea this was coming -- she completely blindsided him. I really liked his wife too. But I really like him more. You see -- this best friend of mine has always met the qualifications of my ideal mate -- he's good looking, honest, hard working, loyal and we have the same kind of background (it happens when you grow up together). I wouldn't necessarily say I've had a crush on him, but the thought did entertain my mind a few years ago, but it didn't work out then, and life ticked on. When he got married to this girl that he had only known for about seven months, my heart did break just a little, even though I was involved in a relationship that ended up lasting a year and half after he got married. One more truely great guy off the market. As I have said, I really did like his wife. And then a couple weeks ago he called to tell me she was leaving him -- perhaps he thought I could sympathize, as I had ended the forementioned relationship a few months back. He then came home a week later -- after a night of (some) drinking and (a lot) laughing and (even more) reminiscing -- we had sex. He knew I felt a little guilty, but as he said: "I feel a whole lot guiltier than you". So, if we both felt guilty -- why did it happen? Since we have both said there were no regrets -- yeah, sure. This is not the first time I have been the lucky recipient of just-out-of-a-relationship sex, and dare I hope it be the last? I have yet to meet that guy that can end a relationship (be it serious or casual), and not seek out new sexual endeavors. I'm not like that, none of my close female friends are like that. I can end a relationship and go over a year without getting laid -- or even wanting to for that matter. I've been out of a relationship for over seven months, and until the time I slept with my friend I have turned down more than one proposal of sex -- because I didn't WANT to have sex! I think it just felt alright to do it with my best friend of years and years -- and the fact that I felt it was all I could give him in my sympathies for his situation. So where does the line between pleasure and partnership fall? I don't have casual sex, I'm down with committed relationships. But I do like to be touched, although not by strangers or people I just met that night. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?reT„Never seen a blue sky Yeah I can feel it reaching out And moving closer There's something about blue Asked myself what it's all for You know the funny thing about it I couldn't answer No I couldn't answer Things have turned a deeper shade of blue And images that might be real May be illusion Keep flashing off and on Free Wanna be free Gonna be free And move among the stars You know they really aren't so far Feels so free Gotta know free Please Don't wake me from the dream It's really everything it seemed I'm so free No black and white in the blue Everything is clearer now Life is just a dream you know That's never ending I'm ascendingrfT#started a new job today babysitting for some kids- it pays $10 an hour for sitting on my ass and watching movies. i couldn't ask for a better job. i'm gonna be able to buy my ipod by thurday, since they have me there for 10 hrs a day. this is too easy! nothing else to do but enjoy the ride!rgT<It's too late to cry I love you. The wind still blowing, my heart still aching One side of my eyes see tomorrow, And the other one see yesterday I hope I could sleep in the cradle of your love, again Cry for me, somebody, with dry eyes The real folk blues I just want to feel a real sorrow It's not bad a life in the muddy river If life is once Hopeless hope, and the chance with traps What is right, or wrong It's like a both side of a coin How long I must live till I release? The real folk blues I just want to feel a real pleasure All that glitters is not goldrhUÅ'lo all this is actually my third blog- i decided i needed another one just for myself and given to a select few people. that way i can semi control who visits. so, enjoy the upcoming posts! -kozyriU±You are Saria, Link's best friend and Sage of the Forest Temple. urlLink Which Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time Character are you? brought to you by urlLink QuizillarjXMthis is not ment to be creepy so please don't freak out... alix i'll miss you Since youā€™ve gone I been lost without a trace I dream at night I can only see your face I look around but itā€™s you I canā€™t replace I feel so cold and I long for your embrace I keep crying baby, baby, please... the police "every breath you take"rkT“so one thing i never really, okay, never talked about was my obession. no NOT with Eddie Izzard. though that is one. and NO, not anime... IT's HARRY POTTER AND ALL THINGS IN THE HARRY POTTER WORLD yeah, i said it! whatcha gonna do 'bout it, chump?! i really truely am obssessed. hey i sould make a site (i originally wrote sight, gods above am i stupid) about HP. maybe i will... oh, ALIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A LITTLE HELP HERE?!?!?!rlTKOne, two boys by the river Down by the water Tellin' riddles in the dark With fireflies under the moonlight Carvin' the insides of a tree with a knife Ever hear the one about the boy's big sister His best friend come along He tried to kiss her The only difference That I see Is you are exactly the same As you used to be One boy lives in a tower With bow and arrow And the artificial heart With his girl Maid of dishonor He loaded the cannon With a jealous appetite They say that children now They come in all ages And maybe sometimes old men die With little boy faces The only difference That I see Is you are exactly the same As you used to be You always said that you needed some But you always had more, more than anyone The only difference That I see Is you are exactly the same As you used to bermUŗi have been in utah. on my one and only trip this summer.... lots of fun thou- went horseback riding and white water rafting. lots of fun. missed all you guys!!!! lots of hugz ::hug::rnXˆprocrastination \Pro*cras`ti*na"tion\, n. [L. procrastinatio: cf. F. procrastination.] The act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off to a future time; delay; dilatoriness. Procrastination is the thief of time. --Young. Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, Ā© 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc. distraction \Dis*trac"tion\, n. [L. distractio: cf. F. distraction.] 1. The act of distracting; a drawing apart; separation. To create distractions among us. --Bp. Burnet. 2. That which diverts attention; a diversion. "Domestic distractions.'' --G. Eliot. 3. A diversity of direction; detachment. [Obs.] His power went out in such distractions as Beguiled all species. --Shak. 4. State in which the attention is called in different ways; confusion; perplexity. That ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. --1 Cor. vii. 3?. 5. Confusion of affairs; tumult; disorder; as, political distractions. Never was known a night of such distraction. --Dryden. 6. Agitation from violent emotions; perturbation of mind; despair. The distraction of the children, who saw both their parents together, would have melted the hardest heart. --Tatler. 7. Derangement of the mind; madness. --Atterbury. Syn: Perplexity; confusion; disturbance; disorder; dissension; tumult; derangement; madness; raving; franticness; furiousness. Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, Ā© 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.roTWriters are not just people who sit down and write. They hazard themselves. Every time you compose a book your composition of yourself is at stake. ~E.L. Doctorow Dear Fellow Bloggers, I am sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies. I used to be a blog snob. I used to think: Why must my friends write about their lives on the web, rather than tell me what's going on in their lives in person, or on the phone, by e-mail, or even by that almost extinct form of communication, letter writing? It all seemed so impersonal. I guess I thought that by blogging, my friends would somehow become less close to me, because they might not share their lives with me in person, on the phone, by e-mail, or by snail-mail, now that they can just say: Read my blog! What I didn't realize is that blogging isn't simply a chronology of one's life, it's a way for someone to let people into their lives, their thoughts, their feelings, in a way that sometimes isn't possible with other forms of communication, no matter how close you are to someone. Blogging is also an outlet for creativity, and I'm all for creativity. There just isn't enough of it in this world. Sure, there's creativity all around us...music...books...art...etc...but it's not necessarily coming from us. Many people nowadays are so caught up with the race against time, to "catch up" when there's always more to, they push that aspect, that creative aspect, of themselves away from them. Blogging, I've seen, is a way to bring that aspect back. Of course, blogging is many more things to many more people...but I've chosen to write about communication and creativity because those are what this blog will be to me. Needless to say, I think I am becoming quite attached to my blog. Yours truly, ss PS Thx to james for bringing me back to writing.rpTvGrr...writer's block. So much pressure! Since this is my first blog, I feel like I should have something interesting and insightful to say. But all this work setting up my new blog has made me quite hungry. I think I need a snack before I get back to writing. Next time I'll stop by with a full stomach. That way, it'll be easier for me to figure out how this thing works...rqTuBeen awhile... My sister moved back into the house a little while ago. In an effort to re-integrate all the "stuff" she's brought back from her apartment, including various items her roommate left behind because she moved back out West, we've been trying to once and for all get rid of all that junk that gets shoved under the bed, in closets and desk drawers, the useless nick nacks that pile up on virtually any flat surface in a room and any other "things" that have accumulated dust over the years. One of the things I found while doing all this cleaning and reorganizing was an old diary I kept when I was 8-9 years old. I remember that I'd gotten the diary for a gift, and thought it was quite cool...that is, until my dad saw it and decided that it was a good idea to incorporate a "daily diary entry" into my homework routine! So, instead of writing in the diary when I felt like I needed/wanted to, I had to do it as a requirement. This diminished my interest such that most of my entries were reduced to boring bits of wasted paper. However, I did manage to find a few gems. Maybe if I'm bored one day I'll post a few, spelling mistakes, unfinished sentences and poor grammar included. In the meantime, back to the shoe box it'll go, with all my other items of nostalgia. It'll be funny for me to read again sometime in the future...a bit of history that reminds me of "me" as a kid.rrTųHow does it happen that we can associate certain sounds, smells, or places with events, or people, or other places? Today while walking up the steps at Kipling subway, the dampness and humidity reminded me of swimming lessons when I was a kid. The mustiness of the hallways at Innis College remind me of the bio building at Waterloo. Those "Holiday" candles from the Gap remind me of vegging in res in first year. And maybe I shouldn't include this, but people with B.O. remind me of a certain smelly person at Sheridan College :S boo... Good or bad, these reminders usually hit me out of the blue. Sometimes though, I'll know what they are, and seek them out. Sarah's songs. Starry skies. Beaches at night. Wings. Abercrombie and Fitch. Beetles (eek). Sheep emoticons (to the rescue!). The Cranberries. "Hey...wha happened?" I'll laugh, I'll smile. I'll think of you, I'll think of us. You're not so far away right now, but fast asleep, I'm sure ;) I think now's a good time to pop Sarah into the cd player...rsT­I've logged on numerous times over the past week in an attempt to record my thoughts. As you can see, I haven't been successful. I have a tendency to keep what's "in my head" in my head. Sure, I'll talk about what's going on my life, and certain things that are bugging me. But my real fears, my real stresses and worries, my real beefs - those I keep mostly to myself, possibly a select few, or most often, to one person. I know it's unfair for me to do this. It's unfair for me to not confide in friends when they trust me so much to confide in me. It's unfair for me to burden one person with all of my mind dumps. And it's unhealthy for me to keep things inside. I suppose I just don't want to seem weak to other people. By voicing my concerns, I feel that those concerns become more real. If I keep them in my head, maybe they'll go away or I'll figure out a way to deal with them. This doesn't always happen though. Instead, I'm left feeling anxious and unsettled. I even have a hard time letting others know my goals, my hopes and my dreams. It's not that I think people will say, "That's not possible". It's that I, myself, think that I may not make those hopes and dreams a reality, that I'll fail. It's the thought that I might not be able to fulfill the goals I've set for myself, that I'll fall flat on my face, that prevents me from telling others, and maybe even from putting my whole heart into what I really want. This isn't even what I intended to blog about in the first place, but I guess you can't really control this sort of thing. Maybe I needed to get this out there so that I can organize my other thoughts and finally get them out there, out here. Be ready for a possible flood.rtTéFound this in today's newspaper - I hope it doesn't encourage people to make more typos! Cn u rd ths? Making the e-mail rounds: "Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe."ruT8Top 5 procrastination techniques of the day: #1 - Play useless games on the internet. Catch flies with chopsticks at urlLink http://www.wickedintellect.com/flash/games/fly.swf Attempt #1: 3 flies Attempt #2: 8 flies Attempt #3: 25 flies! #2 - Watch reality tv. Ok, so I didn't use this technique today, but I was very tempted. I thought about it, so some time was wasted there. #3 - Chat on MSN with friends about reality tv shows that somehow turn us in mindless zombies when we could be doing something more meaningful with our lives. #4 - Read. You can read anything, really. However, it helps if you've got a good book that you can escape to. A book that makes you think is a bonus. That way, you are at least using your procrastination time wisely (if this is at all possible). It's certainly much better than watching reality tv like a mindless zombie. It's also better than chatting about reality tv, for that matter. #5 - Blog! Then, in attempt to edit something, erase your post "by mistake". This means you'll just have to spend some more time re-blogging.rvUPYou said the words, And I said them too; Then you told me That you already knew.rwT‹I've been meaning to sit down and blog, but as you can plainly see by the lack of entries, I haven't done so. So before I start getting really behind... Excerpts from my life October 4th, 2003 - present --- Burning Out: I'm still on the learning curve at work, so it's been both rewarding and frustrating at the same time. I'm racking up some good time in lieu though - I'm looking forward to three weeks off in December to recoup and re-energize. --- Montreal: Not a place I'd normally choose to go for a relaxing vacation. Images of late night partying, drinking, hectic street festivals and being on the go to the next "attraction" always pass through my head. That being said, my last trip to Montreal, just this past Thanksgiving weekend, was exactly that: relaxing . You're the best james! You're the reason I didn't burn out. It was way too short of a trip, but I'm looking forward to our next one, whenever or wherever that may be! --- Kill Bill: Very stylish. Funny. Great fight scenes. Also THE most violent and gory movie I've ever seen and will probably ever see in my life, with the possible exception of the second installment, in theatres next year. --- Friends: You know you've got a keeper when you haven't seen/talked to someone in a long time and you can pick up where you left off right away, just as if you'd talked to them yesterday. Not recommended as a normal occurence, but it happens from time to time. Thanks to my friends for being patient and understanding during this crazy-hectic time in my life. --- Baking: Make sure you have all your ingredients BEFORE you start, or at least make sure you've got a means of transportation to get to the store to buy those eggs. Otherwise, you'll just be left with a half-mixed batch of raw ingredients. Totally unedible. Sigh... --- Geocaching: Seems to be the coolest new urlLink game around. I can't wait to get started!rxUWhen the heart overflows, it comes out through the mouth. ~Ethiopian proverb I'm about to burst, but I cannot find the words...ryTFlu update (see blog of Nov. 20): I haven't gotten sick yet...phew... I think I'll actually go and get the flu shot this year - I've held out long enough. It's supposed to help protect me from SARS too, and really, I don't want to get sick (from the flu or SARS) and potentially pass it on to the people around me, especially my friends and family. I would explain my past stubbornness, but it would take too long (and no, I am not afraid of needles). Just know this: getting the flu shot doesn't mean that you're 100% safe - it just protects you from the strains all the health people think will hit us this flu season. That virus mutates like crazy, so the doctors and the scientists at WHO (even though they do the best they can) can't always predict what's going to happen. Scary, no?rzU•I just told james that I haven't gotten sick from the flu in at least 3 years. Now I'll probably be attacked by the dreaded virus in no time flat...r{T»My grandmother left this world on Nov. 4. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but I don't think death is something you ever get used to. I wish I'd gotten to know her better - I think the language barrier, the generation gap and the differences between the world she came from and the world us kids lived in was too much to bridge when we were young. We knew though, that she loved us, and though we didn't express it much then, we loved her too. Thanks for being there for us, grandma. We'll miss you. --- Shortly after the funeral, my mom told me something that I will never forget: one of the my aunts was saying to my mom that she (my mom) was the only one with the patience to listen to the elders (other relatives, friends, acquaintances who are still with us) talk for hours on end. My mom said simply, listen to them now, because when they can't talk to you anymore and you WANT them to, you won't be able to do anything about it - it'll be too late.r|TĮFor children, childhood is timeless. It's always the present. Everything is in the present tense. Of course they have memories. Of course time shifts a little for them and Christmas comes round in the end. But they don't feel it. Today is what they feel, and when they say 'When I grow up . . .' there's always an edge of disbelief -- how could they ever be other than what they are. ~British author Ian McEwan As adults, why can't we do the same?r}U©It's been over six months since I started going out with james! Warm and fuzzy - yup, that's me - thanks for all the good times james - I'm looking forward to many more.r~TuWow...it's been such a long time since I've been here that for awhile there I couldn't figure out my password! And...I just realized that almost every time I blog, I seem to be playing catch up. I guess that's the story of a procrastinator's life. So...to catch up: I had my three weeks off in December, and that was great. It's all a blur to me now; about the only things I remember are the pain and frustration of my first snowboarding trip (and looking forward to my next one) and spending lots and lots of money during xmas. The best xmas present? It was from james, of course! A nice little Canon S400 digicam that fits in the palm of my hand. I'd post some pics up right now...if I knew how. I guess that's something else I'll have to play catch up on... Oh, and the festivities...james invited me to dinner with the family xmas eve, which gave me warm fuzzies, even though I was a bit nervous...then james and I spent the countdown to new year's separately (with our own girl/guy friends), which kind of surprised some people...if we were Ben and J. Lo we'd have been on the front page of the tabloids in no time flat! But really, no big deal...we compromised. I wouldn't want to spend my new year's away from my bf every year, but once is ok. --- I saw Wonder Boys yesterday, which stars Micheal Douglas, Tobey MacGuire (sp?), Katie Holmes and that guy who's always getting arrested - Robert Downey Jr. It's a funny and insightful movie about an English prof (Douglas) who's life is changed by this awkward/socially disfunctional but brilliant student of his (MacGuire). I feel like I'm writing a movie review right now...anyway, Douglas's character can't finish the follow-up book to his debut novel, which won him many accolades. During the movie, Douglas pulls out his manuscript and starts typing page number two thousand something...we later find out that the story has no direction and that decisions aren't being made in order to provide that direction - a sort of allegory for his own life. And I guess it could represent many others' lives as well, including me, with my almost constant indecisiveness... --- As we emerge from one of the worst winter storms in recent memory, I am thankful that I didn't get wiped out by a snowplow or swerve into oncoming traffic. I was up in Eganville (north of Ottawa) Sunday and Monday, where it was too cold to snow...on the way down for meetings in Peterborough, the weather got steadily worse. I ended up doing a 180 into a snowbank, then I got into a van with two strangers cause they offered to get me to someplace warm and call their friend who had a tow truck. Lucky for me that a) the men were actually nice people who didn't want to abduct me; b) the car was not demolished; c) I was not hurt. I really should prepare myself better for those types of situations... I decided then that I wouldn't be braving the roads again until today and stayed over at the Lindsay Inn, where I ate a whole pizza and watched tv all night (including the movie mentioned above). --- Tidbits... TV: I'm back on the reality show bandwagon. Current addictions - Donald Trump's The Apprentice and the third season of American Idol. I found out yesterday that the contestants on Idol have to go through a pre-screening process before they face the wrath of Simon. What I'm wondering is: how do some of these people, who very obviously cannot sing, get past the first audition? Music: Cranberries (No Need to Argue), Madonna (The Immaculate Collection) and U2 (Achtung Baby!) - all on cassette! Why? Because I finally learned that not all rental cars have cd players. Car: NOT the Hyundai Accent. I rate it the most unsafe car to drive. EVER.rTA small dwelling in the wild meadows will be enough if you are there with me. ~Inspired by a Japanese Love Poem Dear James, Wish you were here with me right now - I hope you had a great time this weekend, and I'm looking forward to seeing you soon! Wanda PS~Happy Anniversary :)r€T\We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it. ~John Lennon It's not so easy anymore - we're not in school, we've got careers, bills to pay, other friends to see, family to be with, boyfriends and numerous other responsibilities. We recognize that we've changed, but are we readily adapting, supporting and remaining true to each other as friends? Do we really even know what's going on in each other's lives? These are questions I hope to get answered when I go away with my friends in a few weeks. We all need a vacation, and though it's been rough trying to arrange our schedules and deciding on a place to go, we've finally settled on something that works for all of us. At the very least, we'll all be together! For this trip, I hope that we'll all be able speak frankly to each other about what's going on in our lives, good or bad. These are my closest friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't know them very well anymore, and that they don't really know me. Of course, we're all guilty of neglecting each other, but if I can count on one thing, I can count on my friends always being there for me if I need them, even if we're not in constant communication with each other. Even so, I miss my friends, and it's frustrating when you've got great people around you that you can't see more of. This trip will give me an opportunity to reconnect, look after and nurture the friendships that are so important to me.rTeYou have to laugh at yourself because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. ~Emily Saliers Let me just say in my defence that it's been a busy few weeks at work... time: 5:05 pm --ring, ring-- james: hello? me: hi! james: what's up? I'm still at work...kinda busy... me: oh, I'll call ya later then... james: it's ok...what's up? me: I got a text message from telus mobility saying that I get free local calls on my bday, so I'm calling you! james: umm...that's great, but you DO know that today is not your birthday, right? --silence-- me: ok then...I'll call ya later! --click--r‚TeAnd you thought Princess Consuella Bananahammock and Crap Bag were bad: "A German court has ruled that parents do not have the right to give their child a silly name, reports The Independent on Sunday. The judgment arose when a woman wanted to call her son Chenekwahow Tecumseh Migiskau Kioma Ernesto Inti Prithibi Pathar Chajara Majim Henriko Alessandro."rƒXPSometimes I feel like the ocean. A wave comes, a wave goes. But underneath the ocean is always calm. ~The Dalai Lama comĀ·pasĀ·sion (km-pshn) n. Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. --- Sitting in the car on the way home, I'd intended on blogging about something else today. Something trivial, something that was irking me. However, after reading about the Dalai Lama's visit to Canada, my negative energy is all but forgotten. Like so many others, I've been affected by his presence in our country. And like those many others, I'll probably go back to my selfish ways very soon, but for a short while at least, I've paused to think about who the Dalai Lama is: He's this person who works tirelessly for peace, a person who is faithful to his religion and who has faith in humans (even the Chinese government that kidnapped the Panchen Lama and continues to oppress Tibetans), a person who inspires not only his own people, or those who follow the same religion, but people of all different backgrounds and experiences to be better people. A person who really is a man of his word. There can only be one Dalai Lama, but how many people in this world are even remotely like him? I really don't know (and that's a depressing thought), but at least that gives us all a starting point to strive towards.r„T¶My stomach is still rumbling...there is still a possibility that I'll keel over with severe abdominal pain... Mistake #1: The last time I ate a breakfast sausage was maybe five years ago. This morning I decided to eat two. Why? Why didn't I remember that eating those things is equivalent to eating a few spoonfulls of lard with my eggs? Mistake #2: I knew before I drank that glass of chocolate milk that the chances of my stomach revolting against it was very high. But who can resist chocolate milk? mmmm...so yummy...so dangerous...I was living on the edge - unfortunately I fell over. Mistake #3: Late afternoon - time for me to drag my lazy butt out the door and go to the gym. The pain in my midsection had subsided. I told myself that if I got a good workout in, then maybe I could go and buy myself a shake from Booster Juice. And so I did...and what do you know? They were selling half-price shakes! My lucky day...or so I thought...I tried to convince myself that the frozen yogurt in the shake, though a dairy product, should be ok because it's got all that good bacteria in it. I was wrong. So have I learned my lesson yet? Well...I just had a piece of chocolate cake with tea. Maybe I should just go to sleep so I won't have a chance to get my stomach in more trouble... --- I had a clown sighting today while driving home from the gym. He was westbound in the left-turn lane, ready to go northbound. Luckily I was in a stopped position in the southbound direction. I wasn't totally paralysed, but sat fearfully in my seat, hoping he wouldn't look at me... And he didn't, thank goodness. He made his turn and went on his way. My light turned green, and so I sped away from that disturbing sight.r…TÓThen I see you standing there Wanting more from me And all I can do is try Then I see you standing there I'm all I'll ever be But all I can do is try Try All of the moments that already passed We'll try to go back and make them last All of the things we want each other to be We never will be And that's wonderful, and that's life And that's you, baby This is me, baby And we are, we are, we are, we are Free In our love We are free in our love ~Nelly Furtado, Tryr†T0Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. ~Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken Sometimes I wonder if I chose the right path... After completing my expensive university education, I chose to forgo the usual process of mass mailing resumes in the hopes of landing a cushy job at a pharmaceutical company or government lab with a good starting salary, health benefits, great overtime pay and possible bonuses and pension plans. I chose instead to remain in Kitchener-Waterloo with a summer job that paid less than $10/hour to work with youth my age to develop a camp focusing on social justice, non-violence and environmental awareness (of course I was most interested and had a background in the latter topic, but learning more about the first two topics were definitely eye-openers for me). Our target audiences were children from low-income families and kids who had some type of learning disability that prevented them from going to other camps, so that made me feel like a good citizen who was "giving back to her community". Anyway....yes, I'm getting to the point: This job turned out to be the best I'd ever had, and served to place me firmly in a career path that was previously not so clear - I saw that this type of work meshed well with my values and wanted to continue working in the environmental field, and if possible, making a difference in young people's lives. And so, after the job ended, I went back to live with my parents to look for a new job. Starry-eyed and full of hope, I even thought that I might land my "dream job". Months passed, and still nothing had come up that I felt passionate about. At this point, with personal funds dipping dangerously low and my parents' constant nagging, I was almost convinced to go back to the mass resume mailing process. Instead, against strong parent-pressure, I decided to postpone real life by going back to the well-known confines of school. January rolled around. Walking down the hall of the college that looked more like a high school, I was once more placed in a "first day at school" situation: am I going to fit in? Will I do well? And now also: is this actually going to help me with my career, or am I just piling more debt on myself for no reason? Well yes, I did fit in (though strangely enough, the one person I really considered a friend and is still one now also went to Waterloo) and I did do well (there was a lot of griping about college policies, but that's for another time). As for helping my career out...well, I'd say yes to that too. I mean, I didn't get a job right out of my program, but I was less jaded about government and industry jobs. I still wasn't ready to go applying to these places though...I just wasn't ready. I needed more time in the non-profit/charitable field before I could make a difference in these other areas. Volunteer and raise some money for yourself - a good way to get yourself off the ground in the environmental non-profit sector, that's what I found. Within 3 months of volunteering, I wriggled myself into a paid contract, then six months later I got a full-time position. My parents still weren't too happy about the lack of supposed "security" and benefits of a more (in their eyes) traditional job, but hey, it's my life, isn't it? About a year and a half later, I applied for my current job: what I thought really WAS my dream job: I get to run programs where I work in the field, in the office, with students, liase with other non-profits, government agencies and academics. I get to educate people, monitor ecological health and help people take personal action to improve the environment in their community. People are getting to know me. I can really move up. I'm one of two full-time staff, so my input into the vision for the future of the organization gets heard and I get to help implement it too. Sounds all so wonderful, doesn't it? It's all peaches and cream on the outside, of course, but almost a year later, I'm wondering, is this really what I want? Is this where I want to be? I'm having a tough go at it because there's just so much to deal with. I have dreams (more like nightmares) about work, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my "to do" list. Working with so many different people is great, except when you spend more time managing them than actually getting stuff done. And when I hear about creek clean-ups, tree plantings or environmental events, I don't get that feeling of "hey, I can go volunteer and help out"...I feel instead like I have to go and work, because inevitably it becomes a good networking opportunity for the organization, or I get asked to bring a booth or guest-speak. I'm really having difficulty drawing the line between work and leisure time. I know - the road will diverge once again, and at that time, I'll have to decide what to do. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could cut the path myself whenever I feel that it's the right time. I know I shouldn't wait too long though, because I might burn myself out before that. Hopefully though, I'll instead have achieved the balance I'm seeking and I will have left all that anxiety behind so that I'm just enjoying it all again and keep on my current path, or maybe I'll have achieved or set in motion an established direction for the organization enough so that I can feel comfortable choosing another path.r‡U©I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savour) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. ~ E.B. WhiterˆXĻThe spacebaron my keyboard at work isnā€™tworking properly. The result isthat Iā€™m getting all these horrible typosinmy emails and Word documents. Either that, or ittakes meforevertowriteasentence because I haveto go backand fixit every coupleofwords.See!?! Itā€™s getting worse and worse asItype! I needtofind anewkeyboard... What Iā€™m really trying to say is: The space bar on my keyboard at work isnā€™t working properly. The result is that Iā€™m getting all these horrible typos in my emails and Word documents. Either that, or it takes me forever to write a sentence because I have to go back and fix it every couple of words. See!?! Itā€™s getting worse and worse as I type! I need to find a new keyboard...r‰T¾ Mountains, hills, they're all called "san". ~ L.M. Dong (my dad) Family History Lesson No. 1 The marriage of my parents was a semi-arranged affair. His real mom and dad having passed away when he was quite young, my dad travelled to Canada with his adopted mother c.1967, the last year the Leafs won the cup. After completing his high school credits and finishing up his tech diploma at George Brown College, he wanted to settle down, so my grandma checked around with all the other ladies in Chinatown to find out if they had any relatives with whom she could set dad up with. The result was that my dad was introduced to my mom through my great-grandmother (my mom's grandmother), whom my grandma had met way back when they both lived in China. At the time, my mother was still living in Hong Kong, having raised my aunt and uncle to adulthood by herself since the age of 14 (mom's mother had passed away that year, and her dad had gone to Brazil and wasn't ever able to come back...a story for another day). Mom and dad exchanged pictures and letters in the usual way, gauging their interest for each other. My mom was able to come to Canada in 1974. They had a pretty winter wedding, and they've been together ever since. --- Family History Lesson No. 2 Sitting down to dinner yesterday, us kids decided to inquire into our family history a bit more. Already knowing that dad likes to, let's just say, "elaborate" while telling his stories, we were firmly duped. Kids: So, dad, how far away was mom's family's village from your family's village? Dad: Oh, it was far, very far away. Over a mountain it was. Kids: We know how you and mom met, but how did grandma (dad's side) come to know great-grandmother (mom's side)? Dad: Your grandma used to live in the village next to your mom's family. Kids: Does that mean she travelled over the mountain to find grandpa? Dad: No. Kids: So how did they meet? Dad: Grandpa came over the mountain to see her. He travelled so very far. Then he brought her back over the mountain. Kids: Wow, that must've taken a long time. Did they ride on horses or mules, or have a carriage to sit in? Dad: Of course not! We walked everywhere in those days! Kids: So how many days/weeks did it take to travel over the mountain? Dad: Oh, about 2 and a half hours. Kids: Per day? Dad: No, in total. Kids: What? That's not very far at all. That's not a mountain, that's a hill! Dad: Mountains, hills, same thing. Kids: No, it's not the same at all! You made it sound like it was an epic journey for grandpa to bring his bride home! Dad: It's more interesting that way. Mountains, hills, same thing. It's all the same in Chinese. Mountains, hills, they're all called "san".rŠXRide the Rocket - The Better Way. ~ Toronto Transit Commission Here goes my transit tirade...it was inevitable... Iā€™m a big supporter of public transit. Iā€™m very happy that I get to sit on the subway or GO train, sleeping or reading on the way to work. I mean, who wants to idle on the DVP or 401 for an hour (at least) each sleepy morning and another hour after a hard dayā€™s work? Or watch not only cyclists, but pedestrians pass by while trying to squeeze into the adjacent lane because of construction up ahead? Or deal with those insensitive drivers who fail to signal, blame it on you, then throw their empty coffee cups out their window towards your windshield? Not me. However, there ARE a few things that bother me about public transit...pet peeves, really, but Iā€™m beginning to notice that these things are bothering me more and more. So, if youā€™re ever thinking of taking public transit, or if youā€™re already a transit-goer, take note of the following, because I might just blow up with Rocket rage one of these days! Top 5 Transit Transgressions 1. Not getting up for elderly, pregnant or disabled people - What happened to common courtesy??? 2. Wearing backpacks ā€“ Take the backpack off and hold it in front of you or set it on top of your feet ā€“ this takes up much less room and greatly reduces the risk of knocking over the kid behind you and giving him a concussion when you turn around! 3. Leaving the newspaper on the seat or floor ā€“ Yes, I suppose I can give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're leaving copies of the Metro around so that passengers succeeding you can read the paper too...but Iā€™m really not that optimistic. People are just lazy. Put the papers into the recycling bins! Chinatown is dirty? Look at the subway! 4. Standing in front of the exit door when there is no need ā€“ If the train/bus/streetcar isnā€™t crowded and youā€™re not getting off at the next stop, MOVE. Youā€™re in the way of both incoming and outgoing passengers. 5. Not wearing deodorant ā€“ Enough said.r‹T@I miss James, but I can't call him becuase he's in Minnesota. He's been there for the last five days, training with the IT geeks down at head office. I know, I'm generalizing. They're probably not all geeks - it's just more fun to imagine that they are. I'm sure they're nice people - actually, I know they are because they're throwing a bbq for James as I blog! --- urlLink Summerlicious is here! Yay! Yummy food priced affordably at nice restaurants. What's not to like about that? I hope I'll have the opportunity to go eat with some good company (nudge nudge, wink wink)... --- Now all I can think about is food... I can't eat because it's too late. I'll just feel gross if I go to sleep right after eating - it's like I'm asking to become rounded at my waist - and I'll feel even more guilty about paying those monthly fees for my much under-used gym membership than I already do. --- I was at this function with James last weekend - a cocktail party in the home of one of his colleagues. Sounds very chi chi, doesn't it? Well, it was. That house was really, really super-nice, and beautifully furnished too (everything shipped up from Los Angeles!). Anyway, there were all these people there that I wouldn't have expected to be there: the Russian painter, the hairdresser, the personal fitness trainers. And we spoke to these people, the usual small-talk, because that's what people do at cocktail parties. James and I aren't fans of this "small-talk", but I can do a decent job, and on occassion I can even get right into it, if the mood strikes. However, the mood didn't strike that night when one of the personal trainers started talking to us: Trainer: Do you have a gym membership? Me: Of course! Trainer: Do you use your membership? Me: Of course! Trainer: That's good, that good. Most people don't. Don't you think that's a waste of money? Me: Of course! What a load of crap! Shortly after this exchange I came up with an excuse to go to the bar. --- Time for bed. I'm done with my random ramblings for the moment. I'm probably not making much sense anymore anyways...rŒT7One of the poets from the reading I went to (see blog from yesterday - no, I'm not a pretentious art-fart) said that writing about difficult, sad and otherwise negative moments is more interesting than writing about happy moments. I've always approached writing with a similar mindset - I mean, I don't know if the negative moments in my life are very interesting to other people, but writing about these events allows me to vent out my frustation in what (I believe) is a less stressful and less annoying (at least to my friends, who don't have to listen to me go on and on) way to "let go" of problems/issues. So what about the happy moments? Are they really less interesting? Well, I don't know...I guess I'm just selfish and want to keep all those memories to myself. Maybe I'm just not into sharing... There are other reasons too, I suppose, for not shouting out to the world that I've got it good and that I'm happy and in love: I don't like making others feel like I'm boasting or competing for "happiness points" and I also find it tough to write about happy events (especially when they pertain to love) without sounding super, super cheesy. I also think that those who are around me a lot know whether I'm happy or not, anyway. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about my relationship here (one that has recently passed the one year mark in happiness). I know he knows I love him. I know that he loves me too. It's really just as simple as that. Why get complicated? As he said to me, may our story be one that never ends... --- Cheesiness surfacing...must go...rXdI went to a poetry reading today. Not suspecting that I would be chosen, I entered a contest to win tickets to attend a reading by poets who were shortlisted to win the urlLink Griffin Poetry Prize . I won. Initial reaction: Yay! I won something! (Right now you're thinking: geez, this girl is some crazed artsy-fartsy type who's going to go on and on about poetic form, provide you with some pretentious review of the poets' works, then tell you who she thinks should win the prizes and why, etc, etc. You are SO wrong...) A couple minutes later: Ummm...what am I going to do? I don't know much about poetry at all! I mean, there are some poems that I like, but I might be totally lost in there. I'd feel quite silly then, wouldn't I? --- I went to the poetry reading with my sister. I saw her dose off a couple times, but I stayed awake. I actually liked the experience as a whole, and even liked and appreciated (with my limited knowledge) some of the poems. Of course, a great deal went over my head, but hey, it was something new and it was free, so I'm not complaining. Here's part of a poem that I enjoyed: Whatever you meant to love, in meaning to You changed yourself: you are not who you are, Your soul cut moment to moment by a blade Of fresh desire, the ground sown with abandoned skins. And at your inmost circle, what? A core that is Not one. Poor fool, you are divided at the heart, Lost in its maze of chambers, blood, and love, A heart that will one day beat you to death. ~Excerpted from ā€œMonologue for an Onionā€ published in Notes from the Divided Country: Poems by Suji Kwock Kim.rŽT0From my cold, dead hands! ~ Charlton Heston at an NRA meeting held in Denver, Colorado, shortly after the Columbine High School massacre in 1999 After watching Bowling for Columbine , I can't watch another Charlton Heston movie. Nevermind that he was Moses and is an oscar-winning actor - the man has loaded guns in his suburban, gated, most likely very highly secure home in LA. He says he feels safer that way. Somtimes I just don't understand our "friendly" neighbours to the south. Go and rent the movie - you'll discover a man - one-time cohort of Timothy McVeigh - who sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow (again, because he feels safer that way), a woman who thinks that there are mostly white people in Canada, which she gives as her explanation as to why we don't have as many gun-related deaths here, and banks selling firearms...things that make you go hmmm... While you're at it, go see Fahrenheit 9/11, another great Michael Moore film. Mr. President, shame on you. --- I wonder if I'm going to get tagged by US Intelligence for saying that?rU^colourful displays of affection beaming with the happiness of a smile to be envied by others.rTāI want to hide away tonight with you climb into the darkness, into the warmth beside you I want to hide my face from the world and feel the warmth in the dark places beside you into our cave away from everything else away from the world I want to climb into the warmth of saftey into the darkness will you come with me my love? will you hide with me and hold my hand? will you pet my hair and whisper giggles? the warmth is so inviting beside you I feel safe with my eyes closed.r‘T*such a smile takes away all worry how strong hands can cup and hold so gently my face a gentle kiss melts the world away making this depression slip aside into the light some days are so horrible I know the pain that lurks within me and how it creeps taunting me with the loss of you filling me with fear that you may leave you help me fight. you give me strength so I may fight harder I will make it go away! with you beside me, I will overcome this pain and torment... We will fight together and win! this sickness will not control me any longer.r’TĀ...pulling my leash with urgency until my face is so close I can smell his scent everywhere. He pulls the leash to bring my face to his. I pull away, teasing. A hand is at my head and wrentching my head back by my hair - the leash wrapped around hand and yanked forward - tongue shoved into my throat as he makes me kiss him - hand strengthens its grip until it hurts - leash pulled closer, tongue becoming more urgent. I am released. I am in love.r“TĖbeyond the call of gods and of heroes beyond that taste of salt on lips i feel the infinite wonder i taste what gods feel within their caves of plato what majesty is within these walls feeling the stone never to be toppled the eyes never to close out the light the infinity of darkness within these strong barriers protecting soft hands and delicate sensations from damage the will of Her that allows passage from one to another to another and then to end resolution. the world changes the surroundings alter the mystery understood to be complicated again the power of Her to be enclosed in another form another gender another being and myself patterns seen but not understood too quickly life seen in photographs.r”Ttake me home with you forever where I may rest and sleep in your arms now all is forgotten I have no cares nor woes my hands are stained with earth the air is filled with the smell of life the sun is warm and does not burn me I hold your arm and smell you beside me feeling your smile on my face the night wind is chilled it flows through trees like water the ground is firm and holds them firm against the warmth of the earth the shining light of the stone the fire within that cannot exist I feel the life beside me when I am safe against you forever I feel the earth inside me and the presence of the Divine around and through mer•Tseductive secretness behind doors warning me to never let in the silence warm air inviting sleep and quiet reflection wind moving and creating the noises that silence me strong arm protecting me from the nightmares that envelop my mind in the darkness his body warms me while his eyes consume me blessed be this place of saftey and serenity I am at peace at last with him that holds me at night.r–TFor being so kind to me when I need you most; for holding my hand and petting my hair when I cry; when you bring me water and chocolate icecream; when you offer cuddles without saying a word. Without you my life would be so much less - Through you I have learned what happiness truely means. Because of you I can see myself with a family and dream dreams of children and family Yules together. For making me stronger then I ever thought I could be; for making me believe in myself; for making me feel beautiful when you look at me like you do; for helping me see the sight of love when I look back at you. Thank you my love. You make me so happy.r—T…blurry outside sounds as people mingle and pass in the darkness focus on hazel eyes filled with wonder and ... searching lips moving; mind's attention soaked with longing the background melts away bodies moving closer without moving touching without intent feeling the warmth of another's breath the past fades away I have found my heart within him I know the meaning of desire at last.r˜T0my body feels broken while my mind rejoices at the thought of you the warmth of a smile dulls the pain in my legs the promise of an embrace erases the sight of another hill sweaty bodies mingle in the dark warm places of the mind sleep envelopes me safe within your arms to be awoken with a slight kissr™Ttransported through the air into the mall across town through the throngs of girls in pants too low and boys with gold necklaces into the shop beside the bank near the bathrooms the colour of love is present not being over-powered by the sound of elevator music and rap mixed togetherršUūlife that has over-come the garden taking control with vibrant chaos and green-ery burnt by the sun again, cut by a blade drowned again by the flood to be trampled by a foot and hand again bless-ed sweet water washing away the dirt and grime againr›TWhite that blankets has turned grey Quiet of the evening danger promises slick noise to be hated trudging trudging trudging sludge sludge sludge in an office building I hate with people I pity instead of the white forest quiet reflection nature instead of consumer drive shallow endeavores win over thin ice and frosted trees the spring is coming the holly king is dead the oak is reborn again i mourn the holly prince as She celebrates the rebirth both celebrations are lost on those who worship here i pity myself for my presencerœT>The fire that forms The rain that cools The air that shapes delicate fleshy hand touching history cold and eternal history of persons, animals, the Earth, the gods feeling the power within and sharing knowledge of one another leaving a part to take a part that will be shared again something small and light within my pocket; cupped within my hand; held between my fingers; thrown out into the ocean. shaped and moulded for shelter and the religious rite fallen through war and time stands ever as a monument to a forgotten past to be remembered only by those who ask.rU#urlLink Behold the Dark Goddess!ržUurlLink Behold the Sun God!rŸU™brilliant colours swirling within my head to be consumed with the orgasm of a thousand exploding stars how such a small thing can produce such majesty!r UØthat moment comes so quickly seeing all that is to be understood I see the possibilities you help me see the present we make the outcome visable to others and myself.r”TMighty fury drowning out the sounds of death creating life through destruction a pity that they do not understand those who cannot hear Your song whispered in the trees flowing through the river death is not punishment from Your touch but a promise of new life.r¢Tuthe strength of the sun is warming my back welcome great king sit upon Your great thrown in anticipation of the end. the lily and honeysuckle welcome Your presence and the cherries rippen under Your touch. the Lady greets You with open arms Her partner and consort for the Great Rite welcomed are Your blessings these days for this is the time of Your greatest strength.r£Tthe fury comes in bursts into the mind the eyes see the possibilty of revenge against ... torture through seeming kindness works here hours wasted but not in vain self-glory hands dirtied in the striving of perfect retaliation the rewards are sweet to the taste and eyes the ears are rewarded with praise and the pride with stiffled fury of the victim the sweetness is better then any hot mealr¤T«Attack of the Dots Ok ok I couldn't help it. I mean there was all this talk of these amazing new templates that blogger has published. At first I was all like, "Mine is better than anything they could make." But no, I humbled myself and picked one. The one with dots. Cool dots. Not to be mistaken with Dots the candy. Ewww. So lets see, It's been a while. You know what that means. I have stories to tell. Woo woo. The Doctor Visit So I had to get my ears flushed. You might think to yourself, why? Well you see I have ridiculously small ear canals so the ear wax gets stuck in there impairing my hearing. So what happens is that they take this huge syringe thing with a rubber tip on the end and they stick it in my ear while full of water. Then they let all the water go into my ear and it circles around behind the ear wax and slowly bulids up pressure to send it out. The first time i had it doe it took about 6 syringes and all was fine. Well this time after about the 3rd syringe I could feel it moving. The "physicians asst." went to go fill to syringe up and next thing I know, I'm on the floor. I didn't even know I was falling. Odd? yes. You see it affeted my equilibrium and therefore ripping me of any sense of balance. It was so wierd. I was like an out of body experience. I know that the majority of you who read this have heard the live telling. But i had to tell it again. It was awesome. The English Notes So english is famously boring. Like put you to sleep boring. And thats what I do. I spend the entire class struggling to stay awake. My eyes are usually half shut. I'm nodding off. I'm sure it's hilarious to watch. But it's horrible. I live in fear because once last semester I feel asleep in the front row mind you and Maley came over and grabbed me and sat me up straight and yelled. It was traumatizing. So to avoid that I take notes that no one can read because I can't see them because I keep going cross eyed because I'm SO tired and my eyes are shutting. So one day last week it was really bad. I was falling alseep. Well much to my surprise I let myself go and did fall asleep. For how long? I don't know. But i do know that I wrote down on my notes what I was dreaming. Something about "wild toilets." Yes, no kidding. I can show you. I wish I would have remember that dream. Sounds exciting. The Run in with the Cops So post-working on Friday night I decided to hang out with Jake for a while to celebrate him making it through his first night of work. We went and got Whataburger (a love that we share, which is odd because most people hate it, but we're awesome) and then we went to the park to eat it (parks being another common bond.) So we're sitting around eating our Whataburger when suddenly we are both blinded by this horrific light. Then we see headlights through the spotlight. Then a car. Then those infamous rubber bumpers. Oh my, it was a cop. The conversing went a little something like this: Cop: What do you think you're doing? Jake: Sitting? Cop: Do you think you should be? Me: Are we not allowed to sit in a park? Cop: The park's closed. Me: I didn't know parks closed. For future reference could you tell me when a PUBLIC park might close? Cop: Well uh 11:30. Maybe 11. Me: Hmm..ok? Cop: GATHER YOUER THINGS AND LEAVE Yea I was trite. I mean come on where does it say you can't sit in a park after 11. HOW DO YOU CLOSE A PUBLIC PARK? I mean it's a big space. A public space. I was ranting for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Anyways it was amusing. I couldn't help but think, what if I were there with a boyfriend and we were going at it? What would happen then? That would be scandelous. An even better story than this. We can only hope I'll tell that story some day. Well I think thats all for today. I'll be updating more regularly. Last week was just crazy busy. I apologize. I'm truly sorry. Please Comment more. It gives me more reason to blog. That way I know people are reading and that I'm not just wasting my time. Time is precious. Maybe even money. Oh I'm Vice President of The Teenage Republicans now. Movie Quote of the Day: This is to honor the release of Shrek 2 which was amazing. Go see it now: This is from the first Shrek by the way Shrek: Ogres are like onions. Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes. No. Donkey: Oh, they make you cry. Shrek: No. Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. To all the Republicans: Goodbye To all the Democrats: Go Play in Trafficr„T‡Crystal The Informant: I'm just letting you know that I will not be updating on weekends. This is a business and I'd like to think it's a successful one SO I will be closed for business on Saturday and Sunday. I'm just telling you because I don't want you to think that I'm pulling a Jake with my blog already. Fear not my good friends. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself Aha. ha. Wow. That is all. If you need entertainment since most people don't feel like updating lately I would check out the daily (and sometime more than daily) rantings and enlightenment of urlLink Casey Ford . I'm sure you'll enjoy it. ~Crystal Outr¦TńShhh....Ugoff needs Silence. Well I have just witnessed the end of a great thing. I knew all those people. They were my friends. Ha. Get It? Wow. I need a life. Ok. Well I didn't cry. I almost did. It was surprisingly happy and thanks to Chandlers comedic relief, funny. I'm happy with the way it ended. Thats how it should be. And awesomely enough my favorite character is Joey and lucky me he's doing a spin off. So I'm not left with nothing. I have something to hold on to and look forward to. Yay. Wasn't that a fuzzy moment? Let's take a moment and Awwww.... I'm still devestated by is ending. I mean come on, Thursday nights will never be the same. The only time that I have ever been this saddened by a series ending was when Sex and the City ended followed closely by Seinfeld. I mean Sex and the City and Friends in one year. WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME? Next thing you know they will be ending Everybody Loves Raymond. That'd be the icing on the cake. I might lose it if that were to happen in the near future. An honorable mention into this season of finales is the series finale of Frasier. While I was not a obsessive viewer in the past 11 years I have seen my fair share of episodes and grown to love Frasier. Justin is going to be devestated. Thats one of his top shows. And with all the TV he watches you know that it has to be good to be in the top. OK well I hope that you have gained as much from this blogging experience that I have. This was special. Don't expect these warm fuzzy moments often. It's not everyday that your favorite TV show ends forever. *sniff* This is Crystal Out Ok I lied. As a last note, Did anyone else just LOVE that Burger King commercial. That Ugoff guy, classic. I quoted it in the title thing and in my profile. Shh.. Ugoff needs silence. Burger King bows to Ugoff. Sexy. You know they paid a record $2 Million per 30 seconds for commericals during this festivitiy. I'm really done now. Goodnight Friends (that has a duel meaning). hee.r§XpFree Lorenzi... Well it's been an interesting past couple days. Wednesday I had part one of my IB Psychology Exam. It was nice. I slept till 3rd hour. Got up. Ate a hearty breakfast for my "brain food" and then arrived in style @ lunch. The test was as I expected. Difficult and I won't bore you with the details since most of you don't take Psych and would skim through this paragraph wondering what the hell Reductionism is. Because yes there was a question on it and I didn't know. The first words out of my mouth upon leaving the teachers cafeteria were " WHAT THE HELL IS REDUCTIONISM?" only to be bombarded with a plethora of "OH I KNOW." It was an experience to say the least. I'm not looking forward to next years exams. Thats for sure. So you and I are in the same boat since both of us are baffled by reductionism. Since i talked about it after saying that I wouldn't. I don't feel bad. I don't. Other than the IB torture chamber last night was the season finale of the OC. It was sad. I'm happy she kept the baby. I wanted her to. I'm pro-life for the record. It may have screwed things up, but it was necessary. I didn't cry. Does that make me inhuman? I guess maybe I'm just not as attached as everyone else. Or I'm not a cry baby. I most likely will cry tonight though. It's tragic. Series finale of Friends. I'll probably post afterwards because I'll either be so happy with the ending and sad that it ended or upset with the ending and sad that it ended. Either way it will be an emotional blogging experience. I mean I've been watching this show since I was 7. Thats 10 years. Thats more than half of my life. This is HUGE. Can you tell? I wore my PJ's to school today in honor of part 2 of the IB Psych exam. This was a much more plesurable experience. I opened the exam book and looked at the first question and I smiled. Then I giggled. That might have been distracting but wow it was so easy. I was thrilled. The rest of the day was insignificant with the exception of a run in with school securiry. Dun dun dun.... You see the dead woman walking (Jenna) and I were on our way to the restroom during Biology when we were stopped by the talking caution sign (he was gaurding a spill in the hallway) and given the 3rd degree. This man was Mr. Reynolds. Better known as the "attendance dream" in the past. You may or may not remember that, but it sounded good in my head. So he gets all tough, puffs out his chest and says "Why aren't you in class? Where is your pass?" So of course I laughed at him and he escorted us back to class where we were given the infamous CD pass. How embarressing and yet amusing at the same time. It was the highlight of my day. I just can't take that man seriously. It's funny because anytime that he does the announcements no one listens. The same thing with Mr. Masterson. I swear as soon as we hear those two easily recognizable and annoying voices everyone immediately tunes it out. Well tunes it out even more than before. It's no secret. The annoucements aren't all that entertaining. I like the video annoucements though. They are usually a good display of horrible acting and the lack of intelligece among the student council. Was that mean? Ha. In true blog form I have a quote of the day. This won't be a consistent tradition but when something good presents itself I have no choice: *I walk into Bio* Dominic McDevitt Parks: Hey Crystal. Me: Huh? Oh umm. Hi. Yes? DMP: You know how Maley yelled at you for wearing PJ's to school today? (to clarify she looked at me like a bug and yelled "you wore Pajama's to school?!?!?") Me: *laughs* Yes. Why? DMP: Well I wear them everyday. Is that a bad thing? Me: Umm...well maybe fashion wise. I dunno. *laughs and runs back to desk* That was the first time he had ever addressed me specifically. I wonder how long he had been holding on to it for. I mean English was 4th hour and Bio is 7th. Anyways, it made me chuckle. I'm also glad he realizes that he wears PJ's everyday and that maybe it's no so "hot" or "fashionable" and so on. I was worried that maybe it was only me. And the rest of IB. He's an interesting character. Let's see. This blog has no order and is very unchronological. Suck it up. This is how I think. And it's my blog. Yesterday afterschool I took the Toxic Kid home with me. We arrived and I saw the big gray van parked in the driveway. You might be thinking, "Oh No, Your mom was home??" No it wasn't quite that bad instead it meant that the invasion of the house cleaners (better known by me as Mexico) were there. You see there are like 12 of them and they go like one to a room and I can't hide. They are everywhere. So Jake got to experience Mexico and the funny thing was they made him nervous. Anyone want to venture a guess as to why? No, it's not because it's racist. No, it's because he felt bad making it seem like he had anything to do with the mess that they have to clean up in our house. He wouldn't eat, drink, take off his shoes, lay on the couch, or basically do anything. It made me chuckle because as soon as they left he kicked off his shoes and sprawled out on the couch and had a cheese crisp and diet coke. Ah, what a kid. In the latest news Lorenzi is gone forever. Rest in peace buddy. Despite the saddness of the situation he did achieve his goal. That goal was to become a legend around the halls of North Canyon. And I'll say he definately did that. This blog entry is dedicated to him. FREE LORENZI signs and stickers can be seen posted around the school although now that he is officially gone forever from the halls of North Canyon it might soon change to WHERE'S LORENZI?? upon his request. He's an inspiration. I will miss the 4 layers of clothing that don't match in any way shape or form every morning. I think that about wraps it up for today. There's about an hour left until the Friend's festivities begin. I know I know, I can't wait. I will blog again. Afterwards because I'm obsessed with the show and with forcing my opinion on people. Hee. Movie Quote of the Day: Today's quote comes from one of my favorite Disney Cartoons of all time. Finding Nemo. God I love this movie. I shall explain that my favorite character is Jacques. So this quote is all him. He's awesome. Gill: Jacques! No cleaning! Jacques: I am ashamed. Gurgle: He's from the ocean. Jacques: Oo, la mer. Bon. [Spins Nemo around as he cleans him] Jacques: VoilĆ”. He is clean. [Nemo is sleeping, Jacques throws many rocks onto him] Nemo: ...uh... AH. Jacques: Suivez-moi. Nemo: [stares] Jacques: Follow me. Not even the french kids can make me as interested in French as Jacques does. OUI.rØTėWait, is it? OH my, IT IS DT.... Hello all. How are you feeling this fine evening? Ok I lie, it's not fine. In fact it's quite unnerving. You see tomorrow is the BIG day. I won't be going to school tomorrow because I wittingly convinced my mother to let me stay home for the morning till I am forced to enter the Hell that is the lecture hall. I am so excited. I get to sleep till past 10, on a school day AND I'M NOT SICK. It's what is keeping me going right now. Minus that joyful image and you have a ball of anxious nerves. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. I hear the physics kids were in for a real treat and an even bigger one tomorrow. My apologies. On a lighter and more fluffy note as shown in my Title I had a Daniel Thai spotting. Thats right folks, I saw him outside of school with his mother and brother. He was pushing the shopping cart for her, in Albertson's since thats where this miraculous moment took place. It was adorable. Can't you picture it? Anyways it was Justin that first spotted him and then again Justin who wouldn't go up to him, but rather made me do it. It went a little something like this: *I sneak up behind him, get ready and them turn around and walk back to Justin* *Justin pushes me back into the DT force field* Me: Daniel? DT: *spins around horrified* Oh my! Me: Wow, I'm seeing you out of school. This is odd. You leave your house? DT: *Signature DT Glasses push up* Why yes. Me: Can I get a handshake? DT: Ummm... *looks around frantically for someone, anyone he knows for fear of embarressment, you know I'm girl* Sure *shakes hands* Me: *laughs* Are you renting a movie? I thought you didn't watch movies. DT: NO, I'm filling out a Albertson's preferred Customer Card Application Me: Oh, Justin had one of those. He's quite proud of it (up to this point you probably forgot Justin was there since he flew the coop on this adventure) DT: *Looks at Justin* Uhhh, Justin Ienuso, right? JI: Yes. *Laughs and proceeds to wave hand in the air for an appoaching story* Yea, I used my card today. Saved a $1.50 on powerade and cashews. Awesome. Me: I'm not sure Daniel, did you say my name? Do you even know me? DT: *laughs hysterically* YES, you are Crystal Pierce. *glasses push again* Me: *laughs* Awesome. DT: Yes well. Remember when they didn't have cards....*proceeds to explain the conspiracy and rip off of Albertson's* We all exchanged goodbyes and he scurried off to find his mom. IT WAS SO AWESOME. I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT FOREVER. HE KNEW MY NAME AND I SAW HIM. Ok I'm over it and you YOU ARE SO JEALOUS. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hmm, then I went around trying to cash a tax refund check. No luck. Quite Boring. Went to the library. Boring as well. Then went on an adventure with Matt MacDonald Always a good time. Today's included Wendy's and the library where he found a book on Black Hair Care for his english project. Only him. It had a lot of inpiration talking in it like: Just think to yourself, "GIRL my hair can be clean and I can shampoo it and God gave me this hair and God doesn't make mistakes." We had a good time reading it. You can imagine. We also went through some of my Huck Finn Book trying to read the Jim parts. You should try it. Hours of fun. I then attended the North Canyon Orchestra Concert featuring all sorts of Rock music. But more importantly the cello man himself, JUSTIN. It was a good concert. Jake was loud. I dropped his camera. He cried. Ha. Other than that we dropped a lot of stuff and made a lot of noise. We may have been distracting. BUT I had fun. Thats all that matters, to me anyways. Oh yes, Justin was amazing as usual on his pretty sound making piece of finishing wood. That is all for tonight. I best be going to bed. Big day tomorrow. Wish me luck, you know like the luck of the Irish. Good Movie. Movie Quote of the Day: This comes from the classic Sandlot. You should recognize it and IF NOT same comment from yesterday applies. This movie, like Happy Meals, is a rite of passage for children Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek! Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam! Sandlot Kids: Yeah! Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it! Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl! [entire group stands in shocked silence] Phillips: What did you say? Ham Porter: You heard me. Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath. Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face! I want to be able to insult people like that one day.r©T6Man am I awesome...Crystal In the Box? How original and yet unoriginal at same time. So for the 5 of you who will actually read this relgiously (and I say that because I know that you will check it everyday and that if I don't update you will yell and scream and annoy me to death) I feel good about this one. I have had 2 in the past. There was Better Than Cleo which I'll be honest, flopped after like 2 months. Then there was Old Habits Die Hard which lasted for like 2 days and I never even got the word out about. But shhh...we are all about new beginnings and forgetting the past in MY BOX. I will refer to this site as my box for it's like we are communicating in a box. Literally. I crack myself up. So today what did I do? Well I went to school and while I'm sure I could bore you with the details of every minute of my crazy exciting IB life, I'll skip that. Afterschool me and my pal Jake went to his house and played DDR. For those of you who see sunlight one every 50 days when you actually leave your computer, that is Dance Dance Revolution. I'll tell you, it's a revolution all right. (I'm feeling an Orange County reference here. Jack Black is awesome. "let's get naked and start a revolution!") Quite the addicting game. I've played it on 2 occasions and I'm hooked. I may not be good. In fact I may look like I'm doing an Irish Jig, badly, most of the time. But I try and I will say I am improving. I'm actually learning that the patch of space in the center is not an option. You should never stand there unless of course you are selecting which crazy song you will be dancing to. Sometimes people like Jake don't have a board (or pad) that actually works. *cough* That makes it a bit difficult. Jakes pad couldn't handle the heavy flow of dancing, if you know what I mean. No? Just me. OK then. Moving on. I came home and thought to myself, "I should study for psych." Yes, my IB psych exam is this wed and thurs. You can imagine my excitement. Well I decided that I didn't really want to study. SO I went to the TV. I hoped that maybe nothing would be on so I would be forced to study because I had nothing better to do. But no. Office Space was on. Damn it feels good to be a gangster. If you've never seen it, I recommend it. Alex Muir lives by it. You may remember the whole beanie protest. I am quite certain that movie inspired such antics. I personally love it. Of course I Love almost every movie. You will notice that I will reference this in this box quite often. In fact I feel a movie quote of the day coming on. God I'm awesome. I feel as though I have said enough for one day. I'm sure that I'll come back in a few hours and add. Because I'm OCD like that and I'll think about something that would be good in here. Movie Quote of the Day: Since I have spoken about the greatness that is Office Space here is a quote by my favorite character Milton, played by the Amazing Steven Root. Milton : And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this place down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your nation's board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt. That may have been wasted on you if you have never seen in which case GOOD because you don't deserve to live you stupid piece of sheltered kumquat. That is all. I've been working on my template and I've made steady progress. I want my old one back but sadly I don't know where it went. So instead of crying I'm making due. I don't know what the codes are for all of the colors, like say yellow. You know my favorite. If someone could help me out that'd be swell. And for you who helps me I would retract the Kumquat statement from your general directionrŖX“Placebo ā€“ Nancy boy I read some reviews of Stingā€™s book Broken Music on Amazon.com, and I was a bit surprised to see that almost every single reviewer gave the book 3 or less stars (out of five). I love the book! Sure, it might be a bit heavy, filled with words that no one uses in the daily life, but thatā€™s just the type of person Sting is. He uses the words he needs to express himself, and to make the readers experience more believable. I would recommend you to check out the book as soon as possible! When Iā€™ve finished it, Iā€™m starting on Lolita . My copy of the book has a very amusing story behind it: I spent all my shopping days in England looking for the book. But no one had it in stock. Not even Barter Books! And on the second last day, we went to Metro Centre, and there, right before I was about to leave HMV, it was sitting there on the shelf, with a price tag saying Ā£2.99! How cool is that? So I went over to it, grabbed it, and paid for it. I think Sylviaā€™s gift will arrive tomorrow, so Iā€™ll go pick it up, and then go over to Larsā€™, because he wanted to watch Lost in Translation , so I offered to lend him my DVD, and watch it together with him. Yay. So, loads of fun going on tomorrow. Last night, while talking with Lars on MSN, I realized that I wonā€™t be going to band camp again till Iā€™m 19! And thatā€™s kind of sad, because I really wanted to go this year, but I couldnā€™t, and Iā€™d totally forgotten about my exchange year next year. Iā€™m not saying that Iā€™d rather go to band camp than to the US, Iā€™m just saying that Iā€™m gonna miss it. I really hope Iā€™ll get to play in some kind of band in America.r«XŒBruce Springsteen ā€“ Atlantic city So, Sylvia and me are having a very educational chat about what type of swear words we use. I use stuff like ā€˜poopā€™ and ā€˜peeā€™, while she uses ā€˜damnā€™, and ā€˜crapā€™. Yup. In case you were wondering. I watched ā€˜The Butterfly Effectā€™ yesterday, together with Susie (aka my kinder-garden home girl). Itā€™s a truly amazing movie, and I loved it. I didnā€™t really think that Ashton Kutcher could do such a serious part (no offence, Ashton), but it turns out that heā€™s not just some hormone-sweetheart-celebrity boy, heā€™s an actual actor. Yay for him. I was planning on renting another movie tonight, but thatā€™s as far it got (to the planning). So I guess Iā€™m gonna strap myself to the sofa, and watch some quality Saturday night television till I drop. Also gonna consume some unhealthy amounts of crisps, candy and Pepsi. Gotta have Pepsi, right? Itā€™s so damn hot! Itā€™s like, 30ĀŗC outside, and about the same inside. I had to sleep with a pony tail last night, because my hair was so warmā€¦ And I also had to have my bedroom window wide open, and my door, and the terrace door on the other side of the loft was also wide open. Obsession of the moment: Tara MacClayā€™s song in ā€˜Once more with feelingā€™. Also: her dress in that episode. Amber Benson rocks! Looking wicked good singing in that dress, right? Wish I had one just like it...r¬X(in my head) Michelle Branch ā€“ Breathe Why would anyone set up a camera, and videotape themselves typing on a computer keyboard? To erase some very embarrassing clips from the tape? Yes, that might be one option. Because they are extremely self-observed? Might be an option, but highly unlikely. Because theyā€™re bored? Sure, that could be it. Now, you might ask yourself, why is she asking these strange questions? I have no idea. Spent a very pleasant evening with my kinder garden-home girl (gotta love that word, right?), watching TV and a movie. Sheā€™s the first person to agree with me on the whole England-matter, which I will not bring up again. Anyways, the townā€™s very quiet, and extremely hot these days, and I can hardly sleep at night, so I spent my nightly hours here, in front of dear old ā€˜Puter, typing away like a slayer in a graveyard (my metaphor! I made that up just now!). I mean, whatā€™s the point of lying in bed, twisting and turning till youā€™re so exhausted you fall asleep, just to wake up half an hour later, to flip your extremely hot duvet, or to take off your nightgown, and slip on a top, or to open the window even more, or to just lay awake in bed again? Canā€™t really see the point in that, but thatā€™s what Iā€™ll be doing in a little while.r­X1A lonely, petit girl, sitting in her room, dressed in casual slacks, like she always did when she had a day off. Her fingers were pounding the black keys of her computer-keyboard, and her eyes were fixed on the screen as she typed away. Little drops of water slid down her forearms, where her wet shower-hair came in contact with it. She raised her right hand, and threw it back, behind her shoulder. The sound of the birds outside filled the silent room, and the dull breeze was beginning to lower the hot temperature. Sheā€™s been sitting there all afternoon, all by herself, like she usually did. She didnā€™t mind being alone. She kind of enjoyed it, not having to worry about everyone being okay, and not bored, and satisfied. She enjoyed the natural silence, the time by herself, not having to dress up to be someone she wasnā€™t. She scratched her eye, and stopped typing for a second, and looked up to listen. There were sirens sounding clear and far away. It was probably an ambulance. Sheā€™s never been able to tell the difference. Not that sheā€™d ever tried.r®XóOh godā€¦ I just want to go back to school, make new friends, learn something, and be happy. I wanna grow up; get rid of all the teenage-worries, feelings, and problems. I just wanna be me, without all the obstacles. How come thatā€™s so hard?rÆTćI am home now from my road trip. And I hate Florida. I can already feel the weight of loneliness hovering by me. Lest you think I am overly dramatic, consider once again my situation, and then also remember that I live with my parents. There isn't going to be somebody asking me to come over at 9:45ish anymore. I will come home, watch TV for a few hours, play around on the computer, maybe talk to her on the phone, and that will be my life. It makes me feel very very sick.r°Tzis leaving this weekend to move to Seattle. We're taking a road trip across the country and then I'll be flying back. It'll take us about five days and I think we're probably going through about 10 states. Now you have to understand, because I have known this girl for about 3 months max and I feel like I've known her my whole life. I was floundering here in Florida before we met on a strange occasion. Abandoned, alone, quite lost. So masked and internal it was disgusting. And sure I'm still struggling through some of that. But I probably haven't been as happy as I am now in over a year. Needless to say, this is not the most exciting thing in the world--her leaving. Instead, I'm terrified of falling back into feeling the way I felt before. The solution I hear most often? "Then you better get out and meet some people." And where do you suggest I do that. I'm sure I'd find really good quality people at bars, which I visit somewhat frequently, and clubs, which I never visit somewhat infrequently. (past statement heavily laden with sarcasm) So explain to me, where else does one go? Mind you I work till 9:30 or 10 at night. So I have gained and will lose one of the greatest individuals I have had the opportunity to encounter in a short amount of time. I will be alone again. I will claw my way to eventual recovery. And maybe I'll just have to move out west.r±T·I am so glad to have a job. It pays for my car, my food, my shelter, etc. etc. But as soon as I get another job lined up, I'm putting in my two weeks notice. Or better yet, if it wouldn't affect my future job apps, I would do something to get me fired or walk out and quit on the spot. The new thing that's kind of thrown it off the edge is that we're now in the business of serving water and towels. My boss brought in a silver tray and now we're supposed to fill up cups with water and take them around to see if people want water. First of all, I don't work at a country club, I work at a YMCA. Second, people don't want us to bug them and serve water. Third, I didn't get a 4-year degree in exercise science to walk around with a silver tray with water cups while people laugh at me. I got it to teach people how their body works and how to make it work for them. So I refuse to do it. We'll see how long the idea stands. So I've been revamping my resume to kick butt status. And it will go out all over the world, and I can't wait to sift through the numerous offers for millions and millions... or at least the offers that have me moving out west... and not carrying a silver tray...r²TŌI've been sitting here for the past five minutes trying to figure out what it is that I want to get out of me and here onto this computer screen. I feel like a fake. Like I put on this big facade of someone who's okay with life. I mean sure, I have normal things that everyone deals with: I don't LOVE my job, I'm unhappy with my lack of involvement with the opposite sex, etc. etc. But people don't know that I come home and when I get alone I don't like myself. When I'm alone in the morning before I go to work, I'm rarely happy. I'm not saying that every Joe Schmoe has a right to see these things or should be exposed to these things. What I am saying is that I don't feel like I can even show these things to all of the people (save one) who love me and are supposed to accept me unconditionally. And I feel like a schmuck for thinking these things about myself. I mean, God, get over yourself, Brooke. Really. You make yourself feel the way you do. You like having "problems" and being "tormented" so that people don't know you and you're mysterious and you have this alter life. Does the fact that I go for help mean that the above is not true, or does it make it more true? I can see it both ways, and the fact that I can see it both ways makes me uncomfortable. But you know what, I would like to be a happy person. I would like to be content with my present situation (whatever that may be) even if I'm not necessarily content with every aspect of my life.r³TģOk..if you plot feelings out on a graph this is what you get feelings--------crush---------like-------------love At this point my feelings for this guy are inbetween crush and like...*sigh* a few weeks ago i just finished telling my friend Casey, that love lifes are a bit like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (you know the movie with Dick Van Dyke). It's a car that can fly, float on water, but just as easily do the things that regular cars do. Her love life is presently in a traffic jam, while mine...well...mine...was driving along smoothly and began to fly, but abruptly landed, the it sorta went along a daredevil, twisty road, before deciding it was going to ditch that life and run up a hill adn try to fly. So it acted like peter pan and thought a happy thought and went for it, but right in mid-air it took out the parachute and flew down in the saftey of a traffic jam. Then deciding that it got bored it flew off a cliff, did not fly, but instead found itself blowing up and now the driver (a.k.a. me) is floating in the middle of the ocean...lol...yes..i know i relate my life to children's movies but what are you gonna do? *sigh* presently a chitty chitty bang bang that is not mine has found me in the middle of the ocean and i am presently deciding whether or not i want to grab hold or let it pass...at any rate...whats the point of getting together with someone??? As quoted from When Harry Met Sally "You had someone to be with, to go places with, you had a date on national holiday's..." BLEH.r“T4I'm not sure why but i ADORE taking quizes of any kind :) here is a bit about myself -------------------HAVE YOU EVER----------------------- 1.) Been so drunk you blacked out? actually i havn't... 2.) Put a body part on fire for amusement? no...not that i recal anyway 3.) Been hurt emotionally? ya...*sigh*...it all started when i saw ashley's face...lmao...nono...in all honesty...ya i have and it blows!!!! 4.) Kept a secret from everyone? ya...somethings are better off not said...trust me! 5.) Had an imaginary friend? according to my mother, when i was around 3-5 years old i had 2 imaginary friends...Bobby and Segein...Bobby was the boy who narrates "The Cat in the Hat"...Segein was my imaginary friend from France... 6.) Wanted to hook up with a friend? once! 7.) Had a crush on a teacher? no. thats just wierd and creepy 8.) Thought an animated character was hot? nope...raunchy 9.) Had a New Kids on the Block tape? my mom owned one and i listened to it when i was 6 10.) Been on Stage? yep...i prefer to work backstage ----------------FAVOURITES------------------ 1.) Shampoo? pantene pro V 2.) Hair Color? brownish-orangish-redishishishishishish 3.) Cartoon character? the Quick bunny 4.) Fave Food? 5.) Fave movies? lotr, breakfast club, first matrix, charlie and the chocolate factory, 6.) Fave Ice Cream? CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH! 7.) Fave 'normal' drink? Uh...water ------------------RIGHT NOW------------------ 1.) Wearing? MY JAMES DEAN SHIRT 2.) Hair is? in a bun 3.) I'm feeling? hyper...2 hyper for my own good 4.) Drinking? ice cream soup 5.) Thinking about? a certain special someone... 6.) Listening to? summer stars__taking back sunday 7.) Talking to? scott, phil..o..ya...and kayla ------------------IN THE LAST 24 HOURS-------------- 1.) Cried? nope 2.) Worn a skirt? hell nope 3.) Met someone new? 1 new people :D phil! 4.) Cleaned your room? no...but i should 5.) Done Laundry? no but i should 6.) Driven a Car? i wish -----------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------ 1.) Yourself? ya 2.) Your friends? of course 3.) Tooth Fairy? nope 4.) Destiny/Fate? to a certain extent getting into this topic would result in me babbling on and on for hours 5.) Angels? of course 6.) Ghosts? of course...souls that havnt recieved prayers 7.) UFO's? kayla!!!!!!!Mickey!!!!and....Casey....kinda....but she doesnt really fly...so i dunno ------------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------ 1.) Do you fancy someone? no 2.) Who have you known the longest of your friends? all of 'em the same...cept mickey 3.) Who's the shyest?: we're all crazy 4.) Who do you go to for advice? people know who they are 5.) Who do you cry to? who ever is there first 6.) What's the best feeling in the world? knowing that someone likes u for u....or so i've been told 7.) Who will respond to this email the fastest? kayla 8.) Who won't respond? ashley 9.) Who sent this to you? ally 10.) Do you want all your friends to do this and send it back? yep....i like reading these things hahaha....i amuse myself (in a non sexual way of course) with quizes...I can be so funny sometimes...hahahaha...don't I just want to make you laugh. Incase you can't tell I'm crazy crazy hyper...maybe i should lay of the oreo cookie ice cream soup...it is a tad...watery isn't it? I'll bet your thinking...you know...I've never had the privilage to try it before...i suggest you run out to the nearest grocery store and buy some ice cream...dieting? well...your in a spot arn't you? *sigh* ok, so besides the fact that I'm going...insaine...what else is new? Nothing accually...lolrµT—Hey well...this is my blog, which i am determined to start and keep going...not like the rest of my blogs which were abandoned after 1 or two posts which in the end is pointless and a total waste. At any rate...from my profile u can see that I am a huge fan of the 80s. Probably one of the best eras ever. lol. For those of you who like the movie The Breakfast Club I have a little something. At one point during the movie, Bender is running thorugh the hall screaming what me and my friends thought was "I wanna be an airforce ranger." But no...if you watch the movie with captions(you should if your a fan of the movie..lol...you'd be surprised at all the things you've missed)you'll see that this is the whole song Airborne Ranger I wanna be an airborne ranger I wanna be an airborne ranger Before the day I die There are five things I wanna ride Rifle, lifeboat, automobile Virgin's mother and a ferris wheel I wanna be an airborne ranger I wanna be an airborne ranger If this a shorter version of a real song could someone tell me the whole song...or if anyone has links to anything fun about The Breakfast Club just post it on comments please. Thanks. :)r¶TFI just read my first blog and realized that I sound completely mental. Actually, I'm a really happy person. Ask anyone who knows me and they would tell you that I'm a positive person with a great attitude. I suppose because I'm so sunshine on the outside, that writing tends to bring out the dark side of the moon, so to speak. There is some Yin to the Yang. If I were acting, or even doing something with a play, I would be a much happier person. Hopefully "blog therapy" will help motivate me to get out there an actually do it, and not sit around and feel sorry for myself and beat myself up for what I haven't done. Hopefully a few months from now I won't even be writing my blog, because I'll be working on something and wont need to vent my frustations to the internet. More positive and upbeat blogs to come... I promise.r·TĄ&This is my first official blog, so mabye I should start off with the typical 150 things about me. I really do want to comment on the idea of a blog, which is basically an online diary, but I think i'll wait until after the list thing, so you can have some insight into where I'm coming from. 1. I'll be 25 on Saturday. 2. Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I feel very young. (So profound) 3. I live in New York City. (Actually, Brooklyn-Park Slope) 4. I'm from North Carolina. 5. I went to the University of Tennessee. 6. I'm the youngest of four children. 7. I am in love. 8. I'm getting married next September in N.C. 9. I moved to New York 2 years ago to become and actress, and to acheive fame and fortune. 10. I hate auditioning. 11. The longest I've gone without acting has been the two years I've lived here. 12. I'm thinking of taking the playwright angle. 13. I'm a really good actress and singer, but put too much pressure on each audition and usually bomb. For this reason, I don't go on a lot of auditions. 14. This is very discouraging. I am easily discouraged. 15. I am extremely sensetive and by this I mean, affected by things I hear and see. 16. I cry at movies. A lot. 17. I don't apologize for this or think this makes me any less strong. 18. I like the fact that I feel things deeply. 19. I cried at Glen Garry Glen Ross because my father, brothers and fiancee are all salesman and I don't like the idea of them getting hurt, rejected or yelled at. 20. I don't like to see people hurt, especially ones I care about. 21. Ironically, I never give money to people asking for it on the subway. 22. My rule is that I give money to people that have taken me away on a journey or entertained me by playing an instrument, or dancing with a life-size doll. Whatever makes me forget about the thing that I'm worried about at the moment. 23. I sometimes give food to people on the subway. 24. I am a worrier. 25. I don't like that aspect of myself. 26. I'm working to change it. 27. A few days ago I started making a list of things to be happy about. 28. I realized that if you have to make a list of things to be happy about, you're probably not happy. 29. Sometimes I think I need medication. 30. Sometimes I think I just need to be doing something that means something to me. 31. I tend to harp on the negative. 32. My theory on the glass half empty/half full is that it depends on the goal. If you are drinking it, and it's halfway, then it's half empty. If you're filling it up, it's half full. 33. I think the glass half empty/half full thing is a terrible way to identify someone's philosophy. 34. Kris (the fiancee) says it doesn't matter what the goal, I would always say half empty. 35. I disagree. 36. I am, however, very hard on myself. 37. My personality test on emode says I'm a critic with a heart, or something to that affect. 38. I'm not critical of others, just myself. 39. My IQ test on emode says I'm a genius. 40. I'm not sure I believe emode, or I would have done much better on the SAT. 41. I'm also really good in social situations, and aren't most geniuses a little socially inept? 42. Statement 41 may show how much of a genius I am NOT. 43. I'm a terible spellar. 44. I have a sense of humor. 45. I love the new show "Queer eye for the straight guy." 46. I want to hang out with the Fab. 5. 47. I suppose I'm a little bit of a fag hag. 48. I love gay men. 49. I own a boa. (scarf, not snake) 50. I love jazz standards. 51. I've sung in night clubs before. 52. On stage I could be- probably am a diva. 53. Off stage, I hate divas. 54. I hate pretentious people. 55. I believe people hate things the most that they see in themselves and don't like. 56. I find myself being pretentious sometimes. 57. I live in New York because I like the prestige of saying I live here. 58. Hate is a strong word. Please replace the times I wrote hate with "dislike." 59. I dislike people who feel sorry for themselves. 60. I am very prone to feel sorry for myself. 61. Sometimes on the subway I feel better by saying "At least I'm not that person." 62. I think this is terrible, but kind of funny at the same time. And everyone does it. 63. I have good hair. It's curly and thick, but can be straight with some work. 64. I think I am an attractive person, relatively speaking. 65. I'm about 20-30 pounds overweight, which is a big problem. 66. 20-30 pounds sounds like a lot, but doesn't really look very unnatural on me. 67. I would probably have more confidence if I lost weight, but it happened once before, and really, the only thing that changed was the outside. I was still me on the inside. 68. I worry about how many more cat calls and "eye rapes" I would get on the subway if I was much thinner. 69. There are more parts for thin people, and more room for them in the entertainment industry. 70. I think casting directors aren't sure where to put me. 71. I'm pretty enough, but not thin enough to be a lead. 72. I'm too pretty and to thin to be a character. 73. I'm going to have to write my own part. 74. I think I could be a good writer, though i don't have the jouralisitic style of the magazine and newspaper journalists I know. 75. My vocabulary is small for a writer. 76. I overcompensate by using the big words I do know a lot. 77. This is an example of something that makes me pretentious. 78. I like meeting new people. 79. I'm extremely friendly. 80. I was voted most outgoing in high school. 81. I care a little too much about what other people think. 82. I need to stop doing that. 83. My favorite dessert is Key Lime Pie. 84. My favorite meal is crab legs. 85. I'm currenlty on the Atkins diet. 86. I've lost 13 pounds. 87. Lately I've fallen off the wagon and I'm back on the bread. 88. I recently started drinking coffee on a regular basis. 89. Recently I've found myself to be more hyper. 90. I love Harry Potter AND Lord of the Rings. 91. Alan Ball is my idol. 92. I'm writing a play right now, and really enjoying it. 93. I am slightly supersticous, and don't like to indulge details about the play until after its finished. 94. Spiders in your house mean good luck, and you should never kill them. 95. I am very afraid of spiders. 96. I'm too soft hearted to kill them, and too supersticous. 97. In my old apartment, I used to feel guilty about killing coachroaches. 98. I know this is ridiculous, but it's a living, breathing thing, and i'm taking it's life away. 99. I don't mind if Kris kills it. 100. To me, every living thing is a work of art. 101. Ecosystems are amazing. 102. I probably have more respect for creatures and grass than I do for some humans. 103. I taught myself to crochet earlier this year. 104. It's no where near as exciting or fun as I thought it would be. 105. In fact, it's a lot of work. 106. I like to paint. 107. I'm a mediocre painter. 108. In elementary school, i used to be one of the best. I won awards. 109. I remember my mom telling me that "Some one is always going to be better." 110. I think she said that, maybe I just realized it. 111. My mom died from breast cancer when I was 14. 112. I don't think she meant that comment in the way in which I interpreted it. 113. She was a very good mother. 114. She was a very kind person. 115. She and my father taught me that the important things in life are family, friends, love and character. 116. I'm thankful they taught me this. 117. I miss my mother's presence a lot, especially now that I'm older. 118. I never got to know her as an adult. 119. I feel that is a hole that will never be filled. 120. I'm lucky in the sense that I have a wonderful family, and we can all lean on each other. 121. I met Kris on what would have been my mom's 58th birthday. 122. My dad remarried six years after my mom passed away. 123. My stepmom is a wonderfully gracious person. 124. She means a lot to me. 125. My dad and I have a special relationship. 126. He is a really great father. 127. After my mom passed away, he made me lunch every day and cooked dinner everynight. 128. He was completely out of his element. 129. He was alone with a teenage daughter; all my brothers and sisters were older, out of college. 130. Because of our situation, I was especially good in high school. 131. It wasn't until college that I hit my rebellious streak. 132. I was a late bloomer. 133. I weigh the same thing now as I did in 9th grade. 134. I was diagnosised with epilepsy at 8, and was put on a medication called Tegretol. 135. A side affect of tegretol is weight gain. 136. I gained 20 pounds in one month in fourth grade. 137. Being a chubby kid and teenage may account for a lot of my self esteem issues. 138. By the time I was 14, I had "grown out" of epilepsy. Seizure free. 139. Now scientist have discovered that sometimes when girls go through puberty, they have seizures. 140. I wonder if that's what my case was. 141. At first I thought all the tests and stuff were cool because I got presents and lots of attention. 142. One time I seized and was in the hospital for a few days. When i got back to school, one of my classmates didn't want to sit next to me because she was afraid. 143. Then I realized that epilepsy made me different in a bad way. 144. I tend to digress. 145. I just noticed after number 100, things started to go downhill and got a little personal and dark. 146. The internet is a voyer's playground. 147. Secretly, I think at the same time, people want to be watched and thought of as interesting, especially now that reality TV is all the rage. 148. Reality TV is not really real. Have you ever noticed how good looking all the people are? 149. It's amazing, as much as people like to peek into other's lives and psyches, people also want to bear their lives and hearts to strangers in hopes that someone out in the vast greatness will see it and say, "I know your pain.. here is the answer to all your problems." 150. Or maybe that's just what I want.røU/This is a test blog. I'm just getting started.r¹TSI'm going to bed now. Just a few things: 1. I finally got my social security card in the mail after i bitched out four people on the phone. 2. I cut my finger on my METRO card today and it really hurt and i'm pissed. 3. I found out you have two years to renew your lisence after it expires. No test, no additional fee. 4. I'm tired.rŗTTomorrow straight after work Kris and I are getting on a plane to go to North Carolina for a family reunion. It should be fun and really nice to see the family. I'm a little stressed about getting to the airport. I hope we allow enough time. We are so broke it's not even funny. (Is it funny when people are broke? Why would that ever be funny?) It's a huge stresser. I hate it. There are so many things stressing me out I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could just relax. I tried that. I should try harder. Why do I have to overanalyze everything and think and think and think about it? Why can't I just be mindless like some people. Or not mindless, but not so worrisome. (Sigh) Margaret and I aren't talking. I can't believe we've gone this long. Over something so stupid too. I don't even want to deal with it. I've always done this. When something stresses me out or bothers me to the point of giving up. I just leave it. Then I try to avoid it the rest of my life. Which is the thing with Margaret. Is this normal? I mean, should people get resolution? And the thing is... I really need a friend right now. I guess the main thing is Kris. Just like in my play, Catherine has to choose between New York and the love of her life. And it's not just New York, it's the dream of becoming, well, famous. Kris wants nothing more than to live in a suburb and have kids, have a nice house, a dog and a fishing boat. And I want fame. I want to be famous to be perfectly honest. Crazy. And kind of stupid. Ironically, or not at all as I believe God hears us when we hurt, Vic just imed me and sent me a link to a song he and his band did. I said I thought he was playing jazz, and he wrote, "Nah, I want to be famous too much." I was like "ME TOO! I was just writing in my blog about it." Long dialouge about being famous, and how you're suppose to "create a buzz" on a small market first. So maybe it's not about being famous in New York, or successful, but being on top somewhere else... like in Nashville or Raleigh?r»TBeen a while... almost a month. Things are better with Margaret. I actually sent her a really mean email and she started to read it when the black out happened. How destined is that? So at the party on Friday, she thought I hated her and was sad. So we both got drunk and Kris pushed us together. We're talking now. She actually just got engaged on Sunday. Crazy. We're so old. Last night I got really upset about mom. I don't know why.. it kind of came out of no where.. me thinking about it. I realized that I was mad at her... really mad at her b/c I feel like she just left without saying goodbye, without caring... I feel like she didn't fight for me, like I wasn't worth it. I guess I'm hurting b/c I feel that way. I always have dreams that she's there, but that she just doesn't care. I have dreams that she and DeeDee are buddies, and that she's just ignoring me. It's like, everyone else talks to me, but she doesn't even look at me twice. It's really upsetting. I remembered that when I was a kid I had a dream about her where she said something to me about being sorry that she couldn't be there to see me grow up. So I went to the closet and dug up my old journal to find the dream. I had been crying pretty hard - dont know where it came from. It scared Kris.. woke him up. I kept crying, then read the journal and cried some more. It was weird looking back though. Ten years. I was 15 years old. Funnily enough, the voice is still the same though. It's strange how much you can change, but still stay the same.r¼UŽIs this even working? I think that it's time I update the blog... how does one leave comments? I'm at a loss with all this fancy technology.r½TÓThey leave me at home. Not that I minded; I don't particularly like the notion of Lou driving my car, maniac that he is, but a fix is a fix and a fact is a fact, and the fact is, we need a fix, all three of us. And honestly, I'm tired of the ride. We've been out to the spot at least three times this day, in varying permutations: me and Lou, me and JP, me and JP and Lou and Sophia...I really just want to stay home and nap. Reid goes with them this time, leaving the dog, Thunder, with me. Thunder is his guide dog, a big slobbery Lab who isn't above snatching an unattended burger from the table and scarfing it, bag and all. Since we have no money for anything but the nightly fix, burger-theft is out of the question; the dog lays on the floor with his head on his paws and waits. JP has gotten paid today, and we're flush with cash; in fact, they're going to stop at the Maplewood house for a sack of weed, a treasured indulgence. We're certainly living large again...an empty fridge, a house full of packing boxes for the move in two days, and a sack of weed. The sink is full of dishes and cold greasy water--no hot water since the gas was been turned off--and we have no dish soap, no truck rented for the move, no idea of where we're going or where we're going to put our stuff. The only "stuff" we care about is the box with the needles, my notebooks, and all the music. JP's guitar, his amp, the TV, my computer, the CD player, the four-track...all are in the pawnshop waiting to be redeemed. At least without the rent to pay, we'll have enough money to get them all back. Then we'll clean up, get the band together, save some money, rent a new place, and get to work on immortality. Yeah, right. I sleep for a while, maybe an hour. When I wake up they still aren't back. I wonder what's happened, but then again delay is the only constant at the spot. "Go around the block" means a five-minute wait. "Five minutes" means fifteen. "Ten minutes" and you have at least half-an-hour to cool your heels before the pack-man shows up. "Half an hour" means you might as well go home. None of us ever go home. We always wait. The door opens. Lou first, leading Reid; then JP. I know immediately that something isn't right; JP's wearing the look that says "See, what had happened was...." "Hi puss," he says. I'm not going to be charmed. "What happened?" JP and Lou exchange glances, and JP puts his arms up over his head, his most adorable-little-boy-telling-a-huge-fib gesture. "See, what had happened was..." he begins. Lou cuts in. "I didn't crash the car. The car is fine," he says. "Sorta." Visions of seizure and reposession dance in my head. "'Sorta'? What does 'sorta fine' mean, JP?" "No really, it's fine, I promise." He pauses. "It's just...not here right now." "Well then WHERE is it, if it's not here???" "It's over on Maplewood," he says. "We....sorta got a flat tire." All the air goes out of my lungs in a rush. "A fuckin' FLAT? You get me THAT scared over a fuckin' FLAT???" "Welll, we didn't know how you were gonna take it!" he laughs. "You idiot, I thought you got the car seized or something." I'm prepared to be magnanimous, now that I know what the problem is. "So where's the...you-know?" They glance at each other again; clearly, THIS is the part they'd rather not tell me. "We didn't get to the spot," Lou says. "We stopped at Maplewood to get the sack, and when we came out the tire was flat. It's over in front of the house over there. We'll have to go get it in the morning, and I'll take the tire off and go get it patched over at that place on Western." I'm more pissed about the lack of dope than about the flat. "How long has it been since our last shot?" I ask JP. "Four, five hours, maybe. You're NOT going to get sick," he tells me sternly. "It'll be fine--we'll just get the tire fixed first thing tomorrow, and then we'll go over to the spot like always. No big deal...It'll be fine," he tells me again. And though he's always been right before, this time, somehow, I'm not so sure.r¾TMIt is a Friday afternoon in mid-May. All the long ride home from the south suburbs I have been thinking about this weekend and what it holds, all the promise, all the things work does not give me. I have been sitting for the past two hours on buses and trains, headphones blasting, waiting for my rewards. In my pocket is my paycheck; I will cash it at the currency exchange when I get off the train. My stomach flutters as I climb the steps at the Division stop, cross Milwaukee, cross Ashland. The sun is shining and I am minutes away from home, minutes away from the place I'd never leave if it wasn't for the raw and naked need of money. I walk back down Ashland, turn left at the corner. Our block is a picturesque mess of old houses, some dilapidated. The people on the streets are a mix, weighted towards the Hispanic; the nearest grocery store is the little carniceria on Ashland where we go to buy sacks of rice, of sugar for our Kool-Aid, where JP goes to buy his daily pack of Newports. JP and I are two separate anomalies on this block; even more strange taken together than apart. But the signs are creeping in, I notice as I walk. Closer to Ashland, there is new construction happening; big three-story cinderblock buildings, with balconies and sliding doors. Some of them have "For Sale" and "Coming Soon" signs, quoting numbers I can't even imagine paying for an actual HOUSE, let alone a glorified apartment in a yuppie-building. But they are nothing to me, a minor annoyance at best; they are not part of my reality, neither past nor future. Someone else's, perhaps, but not mine. Halfway down the block, in the miniature yard fronting someone's house, stands an old-fashioned 1970's soda machine, rescued from a junkyard or some failed business. The coin slot says 25 cents, and miraculously it still works; more miraculously still, 25 cents is exactly what you pay. The sodas are some off-brand generic, but still cold and sweet and delicious, especially when a quarter is all you've got left. Four houses away I can hear the bass thumping from our front room. JP has probably been home for two or three hours by now, which means that unless he's being really chivalrous, he's got at least an hour's head start getting high. Two houses away I can hear the melody line of "Lithium" or "Rape Me". Kurt's been dead only a year, and we still talk about it as a puzzle, something to be deciphered: why? was it Courtney's fault? was she fucking someone else? But the music still stands, the centerpiece of JP's dream, and before I even open the door, I already know JP is pacing the floor, living room to kitchen, kitchen to living room, drumsticks in hand, punishing the air. To the right of the door is the living room, with the old blue couch from my parents' basement, flanked by two end-tables of our own construction. Each table top is a painted mirror, a curved yellow-gold design inside a square silver frame; each mirror-top rests on four cinderblocks stolen from the vacant lot down the street. The table farthest from the door is the surface from which I snorted my first line of heroin, five months before. Of course, that was then, and we're more efficient now. Six weeks ago I sneaked the 40-year-old syringes from my dad's old army kit, and three weeks ago, we finally got the nerve up to use them; we've since learned about the needle exchange--Fridays on Wood Street, Monday evenings in Humboldt Park--and we've amassed an impressive collection of paraphernalia. We keep it in a black-painted wooden box, on which I've painted designs in gold, and we keep the box in the bureau in the kitchen. We each keep our own set of needles, separate from each other's. When I walk in, the box is on the mirror table, opened, needles spilling out. My set still sits in tbe box, waiting. On the table next to the box there are three small foil packets and a glass of water. These are the things I see first--then JP, his eyes, his sweet smile. His voice is rough, his eyelids heavy; as I'd suspected, he's got a head start on me today. I go to him and bury myself in him for a moment, knowing that for the next three days we will be inseparable. That used to be enough, and to some degree it still is. Neither of us admits what we both now know: we -are- addicted, we -do- have a habit. To ourselves, to each other, we pretend that it's still an exception, a weekend recreation, a reward for surviving another week. Neither of us admits that what used to be just a Friday thing became a Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday thing; neither of us admits that were it not for rent and food and bills, it would be more than even that. And right now, neither of us admits a thing, because right now there's something more important--three little foil packets, waiting on the table. Right now there is a whole long night of sweet oblivion, of heroin and sex and music, of our own insular world and our eternal future.ræT/I am lying on the bed in the back bedroom of the apartment at 1460. In the morning I have to go to work, and it's after midnight, and though we've been snorting it for a few days, I'm not dopesick, of course not--I just have a cold, that's all. And cramps. In my hands. And if my mind is racing...well, that's just how my mind always is. And even though it's a huuuuge coincidence, JP has a cold too! It's amazing how couples can share these things. We lay in the gray room, with the little TV on the north wall, not-watching _All In The Family_ reruns on channel 50. I haven't written a thing in weeks--a strange situation, since we'd sold the car in February based on just that plan: sell the car, buy JP a guitar, amp, and 4-track, buy me a computer, and use the remaining money for.... Well, that was the problem, wasn't it. I mean, it's not like we used it ALL for that...right? We bought some CD's, didn't we? And then as I lay there on the bed, in the bluish light from the tv...the music starts--the Earworm of the Damned. It's time for AN-I-MAYYYYY-NEEEEEE-AXXXXX And we're ZAAAYYYYYYYYYNEEEE toooo the MAX So just sit back and reLAX, You'll LAUGH til you coLLAPSE We're AN-UH-MAYYYYY-NEE-AX! I try to think of something else. Anything else. I try to count, to say the alphabet backwards--nothing will get the damn song out of my head. It's moving at unnatural speeds, like a warped record, a calliope from hell. Meanwhile my hands are cramping, right in the middle of the palm, like I need to crush something. I clench and unclench them but nothing helps. And the song keeps going. JP looks at me; he's sitting across the room in the battered orange chair--he can't lay down because the pain is in his back... "I'm sorry," he says. "God, look what I did to you. I'm so sorry." The night goes on, and neither of us sleeps.rĄTŠThe first time I quit heroin and meant it, I switched to vodka and orange juice. The vodka was filched from my mother's liquor cabinet, late at night after she had passed out and would no longer remember how full the bottle was when she'd fixed her last drink of the night. After two or three drinks, I felt sufficiently competent to face the facts of my existence, to wit: I was 25, divorced, bankrupt, and several weeks into the aftermath (or so I thought) of an addiction that had robbed me of a lot of things that didn't matter anyway, as well as the only one that DID matter: my fiance, JP. Even the vodka couldn't take the edge off THAT memory--his eyes widening as he took the needle from his arm that night, then his gasping struggle for breath as his throat closed, the heavy sound as he fell to the floor...the voice of the policeman coming into the holding room where I was cuffed to a hospital bench, telling me "He did pass." His official time of death was 11:10 PM, they told me later. After five or six drinks, when I looked at the back of my hands, I would see two parallel lines of livid scar tissue, reddened now by alcohol: putting my hands together I could read the time, the first minute of my "new, improved" life--11:11. By that point in the night, of course, nothing would matter except the things I couldn't obliterate. Eventually I would pass out, into troubled sleep, smack-haunted dreams.rĮUØI am at my dad's apartment with nothing to do but watch re-runs of Star Trek: the Next Geration. So I'm going to go to that now. Does anyone even read this blog? MarkrĀTOk, so the blog didn't start of the way I thought it would. The damn Work Nazis at school kept us slaveing away like manics. And for what? A stupid number on a piece of paper. That just burns my toast, you know what I mean? So now I'm going to do what I was going to do. This a story that I wrote when I was 12ish. I don't really remeber, truth be told. It will give you a slight idea what my stories started off like. The Magic Pig One day, a few years ago, there was a poor farmer with only a little plot of land and a pig. There was a famine in the land, so the farmer's marajuna crop wasn't doing too well. The police soon came and arrested the farmer for growing an illegel crop. The farmer asked when he would be let out of jail. "When pigs fly I expect," said the cop. The farmer then thought of a way to excape the unearthly sentence. "Can I have your word on that," ask the farmer. The cop seeing no harm in the idea replied, "Sure, but make it quick." So the farmer ran out to the pig pen and brought his pig into the front yard. "Fly pig," commanded the farmer. The pig didn't move. "Fly pig," said the farmer though gridded teeth. The pig didn't seem to mind much and started to chew on some weeds. "Fly you freakn' pig, fly!" yelled the farmer. Then the pig did somthing most unexpected. The pig got up on his hind legs, walked straight up to the farmer and said straight to his face, " I'm a pig, not a bird. Get it straight." The cops were so stunned at the talking pig, that they didn't see the farmer making his escape. The farmer wasn't seen for 5 years, and was found at a pot party smoking weed and was sentence for 10 years in jail. Yep, that's the magic pig for you folks out in cyberland with nothing to do but read random peoples blogs. I pity you with all my heart. Speaking of heart, I had to go to the doctor today. Don't worry, I'm fine. But the whole story is kinda funny, well, not really, but I'll tell you all anyway. My chest hurt whenever I breathed today. And the pain was in the left side of my chest, around my heart. I have had this pain on occation for awhile now, but it was getting pretty annoying by the time I was on to second period. I was talking to my best friend Olay after class and we completely forgot the time and before we knew it we were late to class. This was more a problem for me since my teacher one pet peeve was lateness and would have given me a detention had I walked into her class several minutes late without a pass. Olay suggested that I go to the nurses office and fake a headache, take a few asprin and leave with a pass back to class, thus saving me from a dentention and the frist few minutes of my next class :) This was a amazingly good plan and I am greatly indebted to her for thinking it up. Insead of complaining about a headache, I decieded to be somewhat honest and tell the nurse about the pain in my chest. The nurse got very nervous when I pointed to where the pain was and quickly sat me down and started to take my blood pressure and check my pulse. She then insisted on calling my mother and telling her about my chest pains. I went along with everything, even drawing things out longer than nessacary just so that I wouldn't have to go back to class. Eventually I left the nurse's office with a tylenol, a offer to leave school whenever I wanted, and a doctor's appointment at 4. The rest of the day passed as did the pain and when I got the doctor's I reliezed I had absolutly no idea why I should be there. The doctor told me that what I had was called plural catch. It's when a piece of lung gets stuck inbetween the rib cage. He even provided useful illustrations of how this would happen, which was very nice of him. As it turns out that sort of thing happens to a lot of adolecent girls. Usually during a growth sprut. That was a more pointless story then the one with the doped up famer and the talking pig. Sorry about that folks. If your still with me, you are all sicker than I thought you were. Good night everybody! Until next time, this is Mark, the Unfortuantaly Name Female!rĆT<Hello and welcome to my blog. I, Mark the unfortunatly named, welcome you with open arms. I hope dearly that we may all become good friends in due time. Enough with the happy hippy shit. This is how this blog is going to go. I am going to post amazing and awe-inspiring writings and such and you are going to read and like 'em. They will be wonderful, good and wholesome, don't you worry about that. Best of all, you will get to read my horribly morbid children tales. I have always been throughly annoyed with the stupid and predicable happy endings that children stories seem to always have. Since the young age for 8 or so I have been writing seemingly run-of-the-mill short stories that end horribly morbid. I doubt that I will have to force you to read them. The fun will offically start tomorrow. Be ready for it. MarkrÄTOkay, for some strange odd reason, myself and my friend Olay cannot get onto this blog. So this post is a despreat attempt for us to activate the blog. Nothing truly important is going on in this post so you can completely ignore it. I personally don't care. MarkrÅTMy friend Kelly has been kind enough to give a few of her ideas for the list since no one else has said anything. General Cluster- the general at Big Horn. How dumb are you to piss off a bunch of native americans with rifles better than yours? Edgar Allen Poe- this guy rocked. I personally love him to death. BUT YOU DO NOT MARRY YOUR COUSIN! THAT IS JUST EW! Thank you, come againrĘU¦A new person for the list. Julius Caesar- He may have had a wonderful salad named after him but him was definatly not a wonderful person. He is now on the slap list.rĒUķWell, I haven't gotten any emails, but I will not be discouraged! I will continue on. I will hold my head up high and go about me life as if nothing happened. *crawls into a corner and cries patheticly Just go now, all of you. Just go.rČXĒ Sometime in the near or distant future time machine will be developed and I, for one, want to be prepared. The past is full of despicable and evil people that deserve a good slapping. All of known history is full of these people. And once the time machines become available problems such as this will be able to be rectified. Therefore I am making this list that will record all the people that I, when the opportunity arises, will want to give a good hard slap. King David- this dude is just fucked up. That whole Bathseba thing was just nasty, not to mention wrong. He ended up losing several kids that way. And what the hell are you going to do with that many wives and concubines? Bloody prick. Abaslom- this kid was worse than his father, Davie-boy. He got all of King Davidā€™s wives and concubines and fucked them all in brood daylight with everybody around and about. He was a nasty kid and eventually died a gnarly death, but what can a little slap hurt? Hitler- One word- Holocaust. Need I say more? Yes, I realize that even with the beauty of time travel I may not get close enough to him to lay a finger on him without getting thrown in some concentration camp, but bare with me here. This guy needed some serious slapping, you have to admit that. Stalin- the guy is to admired for his faith in communism, but when itā€™s killing billions of people, you need to give it up. He had a slap coming at him for a long time. Queen Mary Tutor- she killed thousands of people just because they didnā€™t like her religion. What more do you need for a decent slapping? King Henry VIII- I seriously had second thoughts on this one. What person who had five wives, started his own religion for his own convenience, and was incredibly sexist is not somewhat amusing. But for all those reasons and more, heā€™s got to be slapped. Not to mention that weight problem. Donā€™t tell me they didnā€™t have dietitians back then. Adam and Eve- the whole reason we are in this rut. Every person one this planet wants a piece of those two. Pol Pot- dude, this guy was evil. The Khmer Rouge is up there with the Nazis. Why would genocide be a good idea in any scenario? I guess you have to be psycho for that one to make sense. If anyone is getting a slapping, this guy is getting one. Those were some of the obvious ones. Now I want some of you people to tell me who deserves to be slapped and why. somethingmorbid88@yahoo.com don't be shy and don't send anything nasty. Mark, the slapper of bad peoplerÉTĒProm was on Friday night. And I was stuck watching the worst TV programs I had ever seen in my life. Since I am but a measely sophmore, they would not allow me to go to the prom without a Junior or senior date. None of my older friends asked me and I didn't get to go. Diana liked it and I haven't heard from anyone else. Oh well. The drearyness of being a semi-unpopular teen. But I'm not bitter. No, not at all. but still,... *sigh* All purpose markrŹTŅOkay, I have a very amusing creative writing class. And there are many a story about that class. One of which involves a conversation between me and Carrie. I was telling her about when I was in seventh grade my mother got one of my warts removed thru means of liquid Nitrogen. A lot of blood collected under that pact of skin till there was an inch high bubble on my finger. Me, being the werid person I am, liked to chew on this bubble because of its enjoyable resilence. One day, the last period of the day, I was sitting in study hall, absent-mindedly chewing away on my bubble when suddenly some lukewarm metallic tasted liquid burst in my mouth. I cupped my hands as the blood from my bubble flowed out and pooled into my hands. I had no idea what to do. Here I was, in the middle of study hall with a pool of blood in my hands. It's not exactly something that happens everyday. Now, what I actually did really isn't that interesting. I sat very quite for the rest of the class except for when I tried to wipe my hands off on a piece of paper. That didn't work very well. Once the bell rang I ran over to the nearest bathroom and throughly washed my hands. However I still was sitting in a public area with my hands full with blood. That notion is amusing in of itself. So me and Carrie got to talking about my missed oppertunities to be really freaky. We came up with many scenarios, some of which I will now share with you... Say to who ever sees the blood, "I just couldn't take it any more. They were driving me crazy." or "The bodies were like that when i got there." or "you know that really annoying kid in our history class that you hate so much? Well, I did you a little favor, if you know what I mean..." or the plain and simple "Opps." There was also a few running out into the hall and screaming scenarios. Run out into the hall and scream "I did it, I finally did it. They thought was was to chicken, but I sure showed them!" or "I love the smell of fresh blood in the morning!" or just laughing manically. That one is all-purpose. Then I got to thinking, some of you all might want to contribute to our little disscussion. You got a good idea, let's hear it. somethingmorbid88@yahoo.com. And remember, nothing nasty. MarkrĖT¼Here something humorus for you all in cyberland. I was in my creative writing class and my friends Lily Diana and Carrie were talking about this one girl that submitted poetry to the literary magizine they worked on. They refused to publish it and the girl thought it was because it was to morbid. We'll let you all decide. I am a Vampire I like to drink blood grrr. I am a creature of the night fear me, you mortal... It just goes down hill from there. What I think I'm trying to say is that your beautiful works of art that you worked ever so hard on can still be shit. You have to listen to what all those critics are saying or else you end up like this girl here. morbid enough for you? MarkrĢUOurlLink Counter Culture - The Online Comic - updates every Tuesday and SaturdayrĶUAurlLink Google Image Result for art.koti.com.pl/monet/monet11.jpgrĪUJurlLink Google Image Result for www.eldalamberon.com/gallery-pat-bird1.jpgrĻT=My school had an art show yesterday and I had promised my one friend who had artwork in it that I would go. The art show itself was set up in the lobby and at 7:30 there was a choir concert. I had also promised a friend that I would sit with him since he couldn't find anyone else. All and all it was a wonderful evening. The art show was amazing. The pure talent of some of these kids is awe-inspiring. And the choir concert was quite nice two. I'm afraid that I might have ruined it for mike but constantly commentarying, but that's what I do at these sorts of things. One girl that sang an entire song was especially good. I know her personally and she is exactly to sort of person that you could hate to the core of your being with an undieing passion if she wasn't the sweetest thing you've ever met. She amazingly pretty, smart, funny, popular, talented, and now she's one of the best singers I have heard in a good long time. Man I wish I could be like that. I have just finished reading Madame Bovary. I liked it a lot but not so much that I would continue to explore french literature. The french culture is notoriously depressing and heavy. Nothing that I need at this time of my life. Madame Bovary wasn't bad at all, in fact, compared to Julius Caeser which I read earlier this year it was straight up cheerful. If I was to ever meet Emma, the main character of the book, I would have to slap her. She had such high expectations for life and love that she could not be satisfied. She would suddenly get an idea in her head and she would follow it passionitly until she reliezed that this wasn't all that there was to life. Then she would drop it like yesterday's potatoes. The novel itself was beatifully written. The translation I read was very poetic and lovely. I believe it was done my Milard. Oh well, that doesn't matter. As a change of pace I have started to read Catch-22. My english teacher highly suggested it. So far I enjoy it and look forward to continuing. I get a lot of shit for picking my reading material from the engligh teacher's shelves, but the books are worth it. MarkrŠT@Right. So... okay. This is a blog. Right? And I'm the writer of said blog. And I'm supposed to write a whole lot of cool and interesting stuff in here. But I don't feel like it right now. My brother is here. Ben. He just got divorced. It only took a year. That's pretty good, right? Yeah. So, I'm going to go now....rŃTšMy last entry was much to emo. I was very tired and downtrodden when I wrote it. I must me happier in the future. Well, there is another story you call can hear about. I warn you, this one is from the daily life of Mark herself. It involves a boy. A very nice boy. That I like quite a bit. and so does my best friend Olay. H o l y....SHIT! Yah. So. That sucks. But we both talked it over and were very mature about the whole thing. We decided that since the boy in question is to shy to ask either of us out, if he even liked one of us, that we would not let this come between our friendship. Olay was pushing me to accept such an offer if it was given, but I feel as though it is my friendly-duty to reject. That is, of course, provided he asked me. Olay has told me that she would do just that if he were to ask her and I should do the same. But if he were to ask her and she were to decline, I would feel guilty for stopping what might have been. And if he were to ask me.... uh oh. mark outrŅTWWandering aimlessly online I stumbled across this poem. It is very beautiful and I like it but I am having troble figureing out what it means. Read it and send you interpritation to me at somethingmorbid88@yahoo.com Touchstone, The by William Allingham A man there came, whence none could tell, Bearing a Touchstone in his hand; And tested all things in the land By its unerring spell. Quick birth of transmutation smote The fair to foul, the foul to fair; Purple nor ermine did he spare, Nor scorn the dusty coat. Of heirloom jewels, prized so much, Were many changed to chips and clods, And even statues of the Gods Crumbled beneath its touch. Then angrily the people cried, "The loss outweighs the profit far; Our goods suffice us as they are We will not have then tried." And since they could not so prevail To check this unrelenting guest, They seized him, saying - "Let him test How real it is, our jail!" But, though they slew him with the sword, And in a fire his Touchstone burn'd, Its doings could not be o'erturned, Its undoings restored. And when to stop all future harm, They strew'd its ashes on the breeze; They little guess'd each grain of these Convey'd the perfect charm. North, south, in rings and amulets, Throughout the crowded world 'tis borne; Which, as a fashion long outworn, In ancient mind forgets.rÓTµMy aunt and I were planning to visit each other in DC. It was a pain in the ass to get all the plans together and several people started screaming at each other. The day before it all happened my aunt's boss finds out she wants to leave tomorrow and they won't let her because some guy is coming in and they want everthing done by the end of the week. So, that was a waste. But a relief at the same time. Everything was getting a bit much. Vacations can be so stressful. My mother, a friend Bill, and myself went to French creek for a picnic. The food was good, escpecially my mother's potatoe salad. My mum then gave me a handfull of pretzels as desert. I don't like pretzels very much and found an oppurtunity to get rid of them. A goose family. I crumbled up three pretzels and threw it at them. They seemed to like it so I gave them more. Eventually there where over twenty geese eating these pretzels. Now, I really don't mind geese to much. But when there are twenty geese surrounding you and your family, hissing sharply for more food, you get a little freaked out. It was like that one Alfred Hitchcook movie "The Birds". My friend Bill thought it would be cool to have them eat out of his hand. So he got some bread and tried it. The geese seemed to like his fingers more than the bread. The hissing and the inconsistant "ow"'s became a constant background noise. I got very frightened at the hissing and continuous nipping. So I did what any somewhat rational person would do in the situation. I ran. And I refused to come back for 10 minutes when all the 20-some geese where gone. There more to the story. It has to do with fishing, Irish men, and hot dog meat, but I don't feel like it right now. MarkrŌU†by the way, this is the website I used http://www.geocities.com/superkickassdesign/l33t.html try it out, it's pathetically amusing...rÕT,mY fR1eND d14N4 Ju$t $H0W3D M3 TH1$ oNe W385i+E +H@+ W1Ll tR@N5l4+3 wH@+EV3R J00 wr1TE IN +O le3T. i dON'T kn0W 3x4cTlY wh@+ L33T I5 BU+ IpH J00 c4n r3@d +H15 m35$4g3 j00 9eT th3 1dE4. i'M TErri8LY bOR3D. @nD i +RuLy h@Ve NO+h1ng b3tt3R t0 DO +H4N wR1tE +h1$ 5tUPId pO$T In l3E+. *$19h* m4rk 1n l33+rÖT"I want to write an essay. I have this great idea for one. And I wrote a killer opening paragraph. It was great! But I was writing it in church and my one friend that I was sitting with wanted to chit chat with me and I wasn't able to finish it. It's a great idea, i swear it. Just the thought of it is really intelligent. But I don't know what I'm going to do with it once I write it. It's a mean idea. I don't think it is but I know others will. I write it with no ill-will to anyone. I write for my own benefit but I want to share my ideas and writings with others. So I'm going to write it, when I get the inspiration again, and post it one here. Wow that was a worthless blog. The entire thing is just me rambling on about some essay I want to write. I didn't even say what the damn thing was about. Sorry about that folks. Church was o.k. Nothing special. Amy, my youth leader, gave me christian fiction book about Noah's wife's mother and she wants me to read by the end of the week. Yah right. My Mum just gave me two books that she wants me to read so that I can see what the authors do with annoying characters. One is about this super ditsy pre-teen that, if I knew her in really life, i would hunt her down and murder her in her sleep. Or maybe while she was awake and aware of her surrondings. That would be exellent. Luckly for her she doesn't exist. The other is about some old rich widow whose biggest fear is becoming the main topic of gossip in her small town. She's an odd one. Not to metion I just started Jane Eyer which is an wonderful book and I really want to keep read. And now I have Amy's book on top of it all. Holy Snickerdoodle, this blog just keeps getting worse and worse. Now it has even more worthless ramblings then before. And none of it is nessaecary. Oh dear... Too bad Stubborn Markr×To Ok, so your probably all wondering why I haven't written in this blog for so long. I could give you the truth or the exaggerated truth... Truth- I have been at a christian camp meeting for the Penn. Conv. of SDA church at Blue Moutain Academy in Hamburg. I was there for one week, exculding comeing back for the last two days of school. I made many new friends and met up with some old ones. And I got to see the movie Equilibruim which is as good as, if not better than, the Matrix. Don't believe me? Watch it. It's on sale at Best Buy for $10. Exaggerated Truth- My mother grew tired of all my complaints (I sleep on the floor, I have to obey whatever my two evil step-sisters tell me to do, I have to clean the fireplace so often I get cinders all over me, etc.) and she threw me out on to the street. I decided to go to my grandmothers house on the other side of the woods. She's old, senile, and completely bedridden but because of all the morphine her doctors have been shooting up in her she's a hell of a lot nicer than my mom. So I head out with only this little basket of food and my red wind-breaker across the woods to my grandmother's house. I get half way there and I see these three pigs in this one brick house be terroized by a wolf. I knew it wasn't any of my buissness but I had to help out the poor piggies. So I sneaked up beside him and karatie chopped him in the neck. He was out like a light. The pigs were very grateful and gave me a lift to my grandmothers house. Once I got to my grandmother's house I went in to find that she was out by the lily pond. I went out back to find her but all I found was this really big talking toad that wanted me to kiss it. I have no problem with toads unlike all those ditsy girls out there so I did. And what do you know, it turned into a hansome prince. He was very grateful to and gave me a free coupon for his dragon-saving-services. As it turns out, my grandmother got turned in to a pumpkin-shaped carriage. And her famous spoon collection got turned in to pretty gray horses. Now, I know it was mean to take advantage of this but I got in to the carriage and it took he to an enchanted castle where this pretty girl was chatting up a big beast thing. I tried talking with them about the Inappropriateness of inter-species relations but they just gave me a magic bottle that said "Drink me" on it and left. Now, if my mother had given me any good advice it was always to relay on the kindness of strangers. So I drank the stuff and found myself in a high school computer lab where I am now relaying this entire story to you. What will I think of next? I maybe going to Italy this summer. hooray. MarkrŲTI was looking outside my back window and saw the brand new patio furnature that my mum just bought cheap. I thought that it was a shame to let them go to waste so I went out and sat in one of the chairs. I live in a nicely wooded area and I got to watch the wind in the trees and listen to the chirping of the birds. It was all very pleasent and serene. I was breathing in the warm soft spring air. The sun was almost set. It was beautiful. I decided to take a walk around my backyard. Then I impulsively did a cartwheel. Being successful at that I tried a forward flip and ended up on my back. Not hurt bad I tried again and again. I couldn't make it work for me. Then I came up with the bright idea to bend my knees and land on my hands and go from there. So I get as far as bending my knees and as I lunge forward I chicken out and land very painfully on my right shoulder. It still hurts. And the worst part is that I can't complain about it because I hurt it being really stupid. Dammit. Outside just isn't as appealing anymore Injuried MarkrŁTEJust finshed Catch-22. At first it seemed like such a silly book but it changes on you. It is actually a mind-reeling satire that shows the stupidicy of war and those who wish to benefit from it. I really enjoyed it and recommend it highly to anyone that has three weeks to spare. It's a very long book but it's worth it. I also read Oedipus Rex. I thought that it would be very boring and dry but it was surprisingly modern. I could relate with all the characters. The plotline, though a bit unorthodox in a way that I disliked, was logical and made sense. Except for in one scene a random messenger is very much intwined with the controversy of Oedipus's misfortune. I thought that Sophceles resorted to a very convientent coniencidence with that one. Now onto On A Pale Horse by Piers Anthony. *sigh* I have no life. Bookworm MarkrŚU